Year of My Fake Engagement

Not the end...but the BEGINNING.

2009-09-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

September 12, 2009.

So, I've reached a major decision. I am finished with this blog. I realized something scary today. I've spent the last 255 days of this year focusing on men when all I wanted to do was have a year without them. I've given the men in my life too much credit and too much opportunity to rule my emotions. They don't deserve this much responsibility and neither do I. Therefore, I would like to spend the next 110 days of my year focusing on me. My likes, my dislikes and what makes me happy.

I won't stop blogging. I'm starting a new blog and titling it “The last 110 days”. My goal is for the rest of the year, each and every day I am going to try something I've never tried before. Hairstyles, makeup, clothing, food, socializing, books, etc and so forth. I hope you will tune in to my new blog and I hope you enjoy it 110% more than this one.

Someone just informed me today that this blog just “sounds so sad” and they were absolutely right. Because I'm putting all my energy and focus into what makes me sad...my relationship with men. So now I'm moving forward and putting all my energy and focus into what makes me happy...my relationship with myself. Hopefully 110 days are enough to restore the person inside, who I know is waiting so anxiously to get released from jail!

Thank you my loyal followers for being so friendly, helpful, supportive and non judgmental!

Not Interested?

2009-09-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

September 12, 2009.

Ugh. I had a mini internal breakdown last night.

Had an audition yesterday in Burbank right smack in the middle of rush hour. So afterwards, instead of heading all the way back to M.B. in that awful traffic, I headed to the Oaks where Nikki and Lacey were at work, so hang out and wait for traffic to clear.

When I got there our friend Maf was there. We know him through one of Nikki's ex's and he's just an awesome guy. Him and Nikki went on a few dates, but decided friendship was a better idea and he's one of the rare and wonderful guys that actually meant that.

So, I chatted with him at the bar for a bit. He's like this crazy master at reading people and as soon as I walked in he goes, “How're the boys?” and I gave him this look apparently and he said, “Wow! You are just so not interested in guys right now.” And I got all worked up and started passionately arguing that I am interested, it's the guys who aren't interested in me.

But then, later on the drive back down to M.B. it hit me. I don't think I am interested in guys right now. At least not any of the guys that L.A. has to offer. And I think that's my whole problem. I go through the motions of being interested, because, well, that just seems like what I'm supposed to do. Everyone else is flirting, and drinking and hooking up and having one night stands...isn't that what I should do too?

But here I am going through the motions, but I'm sending out this vibe to every guy that comes in contact with me that I'm not interested. Subconsciously. Without even realizing it. I'm turning men away.

Wow.

Lacey and I had decided to go out to Mucho's that night with Goofball and his whole clan. We did a little pre-gaming at the apartment and then met up with them on their walk down to the bar. They're fun guys. We got to the bar and had a drink and did some dancing and one of their friends who was with them was chatting me up and seemed really interested and then, just disappeared.

Oh well, I was just being friendly. I danced a bit more and hung with Lacey. Then I went to go get us another round of drinks and was standing at the bar for a ridiculous amount of time waiting to be noticed while the bartender kept waiting on people that were there after me. I have no patience for bad customer service. Even if you're working a very crowded bar, fucking pay attention to the girl that's been staring at you holding out her credit card for the past twenty minutes. So, when that happens to me I refuse to give that business my money. I walked away. That's when I realized i'm just over it.

I'm over the games.
I'm over the guys.
I'm over the drunkenness.
I'm over the one night stands.
I'm over the trying to be noticed.
I'm over the hoping it'll turn out to be meaningful.
I'm over standing there like an idiot because I have no interest in striking up a conversation with anyone around me.
I'm over pretending to be like everyone else.

There was one moment I was an absolute complete bitch to one of the drunk guys there and if that guy ever reads this, I do apologize. I was just so OVER IT.

He walked over and started chatting with me and Lacey and he goes, “Hey, where you guys from?”

Without even looking at him, I go, “Nowhere you've heard of.”

“Try me! I know lots of places!”

Lacey chimes in, “She's from Kansas.”

Drunk guy, “What? I know Kansas, I'm from there too! What part?”

Me still not looking his way, “You wouldn't know.”

Drunk guy, “You're right, I'm not actually from there, I'm a liar.”

Me, “Yeah, you all are [liars].”

Lacey starts laughing at this point. Then I pretend like I'm about to puke, thinking the guy can't really see me. But apparently I wasn't as sly as I had thought, so he goes, “Well, I'll leave you girls alone, I hope it wasn't the sight of me that was making you want to throw up.”

And that's when I realized I was being a bit too bitchy (I swear I'm not always like that) and so I said, “Oh, no! I'm sorry, she (pointing at Lacey) made me do a shot of whiskey and it always makes me want to puke!”

Drunk guy, “Well, have a good night!”

Yeah, that was pretty low. I just get in these moods where I don't want any guy to even approach me because no matter what comes out of his mouth, I won't believe it.

I'm so jaded now. I wish I weren't.

I walked home alone because Lacey was trying to spend more time with Beans and I just needed to get out of there and I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I text four guys trying to find someone who was awake that I could talk to on my way home, because it's a little scary anywhere you are walking home alone. I text: Drummer, Seattle, Adain, and Pete. Ugh. I really wish I hadn't.

And thank God I don't have “the ex”'s number anymore because I really considered dialing it last night. That would've been an absolute disaster.

Don't know if I'll be going to bars again anytime soon. It's just so hard. How do you be social without seeming like you're out there to be hit on? And without being an absolute bitch?

Oy, work tonight will at least keep my mind off of things. I hope.

No Prospects.

2009-09-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

September 10, 2009.

Lonely. I kept looking at my phone today wondering why I have no calls and no text messages from any boys. No one for that matter. I live with my two best girls out here, so of course I have no messages from them. But, no prospects are texting me, calling me, seeing what I'm up to. I've managed to turn off, piss off, or push away every single guy that is or ever has been attracted to me. WTF?

I just want one that's genuinely interested...is that too much to ask??

I was reading my horoscope today for the month and yes I do like to read it but no, I don't let it determine my life. But let's watch and see. It predicted that September was going to be a very hard month...the 17th especially. Something drastic is going to happen which may make me depressed. And as far as love goes, I may meet someone older, only this time “the age difference doesn't bother either one of us” or I may meet someone that doesn't live here “only this time it works out.” I read that and I exclaimed, “Fuck my life!!”

I don't want an older guy and I don't want any more long distance. I just want someone my age who's looking to enjoy life, have fun, fall in love for a bit and lives in the general area.

Ok horoscope...hope you're wrong!

Today was my day off, but I spent the whole day in doctors offices. Blah. I hate being a responsible adult sometimes. It just kind of blows.

Alright. I got nothin'. Updates tomorrow.

Feeling at Home.

2009-09-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

September 9, 2009

Today was pretty sweet. I woke up bright and early to go to my first official meeting for the new restaurant in M.B. It made me feel so much better about my living sitch and about my money sitch. I think it's gonna take a lot of stress off of me. Super, super excited to start working down here!

Then I went to the mall with Nikki and Roger, got my eyebrows threaded (which is awesome, btw, if you've never had it done before, it's sooo much better then waxing!), bought some new jeans and spent money I shouldn't have spent.

Then hung out at the apt until work, carpooled there with Roger and made absolutely no money this evening. There was no one there. I had a total of about 7 tables in the 5 hours that I was there and only one of them was a 4 top...in restaurant speak, that's pretty bad.

I've made some awesome plans with one of my co-workers though. We're gonna set up weekly meetings with one another to motivate ourselves to further our acting careers. I'm pretty stoked! Our first meeting is next friday and our goal for next week (we're gonna set a goal for each week) is to buy a book recommended by one of my acting teachers and have started reading it by next Wednesday. It's a book about confidence...that thing that makes the great actors really shine. We both could use some of that these days. I just think this will really help us both stay active and keep hustling until we are the next Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. (I know that was a really random reference, but I admire those actresses because they both made a living doing what they love and I feel remained true to themselves the entire time.)

Well...now that my career and my job seem to be falling nicely into place, I'm still missing the man. But, I've heard often enough, you can't have it all!

I've been thinking about M2 and how I really, truly enjoyed the very short time I spent with him and do hope that he contacts me sometime. We didn't exchange numbers...I just always feel now like, what's the point?

It just leads to false hope that they'll call or stay in touch. Bullshit. I have tomorrow and Friday off, so I hope I get into some trouble. I'm lookin' for it!

I'll update tomorrow!

Keep your dreams big and keep chasing them! One day you're bound to succeed or at the very least get further than you ever imagined!

M Squared...

2009-09-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

September 8, 2009.

Well! I was definitely on a mission last night. I wanted to make out! We spent the whole day at the beach, which was awesome, getting drunk, which was awesome, then came back to our apartment to eat some fish and drink some more.

We had a blast and we had quite a collection of people come down to hang out. It was nice though, because they all came at different times, so it was never too many people.

Adain swung by and it was really nice to see him. We were chatting in my room and I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to kiss him. I think he was thinking the same thing because shortly after that thought passed through my mind he hopped over to sit on the bed with me. Then we just sort of started cuddling and I was rubbing his back and it was just sweet. Then eventually he kissed me. It was funny because, we've kissed before, but it definitely felt like a first kiss, since it's been so long.

I was really enjoying my snuggle fest with Adain, but it was about 8pm and we had all decided to go out to Hermosa last night, and I knew I'd regret it if I didn't join the group. As much as I loved the thought of spending the night next to Adain, I chose my friends. He had just gotten off a long weekend of work, so he was too exhausted to go out with us. I told him he could just crash here and I'd see him when I got back, but he had to go back to Venice where he'd been staying and collect his belongings. Oh well.

So we headed to Hermosa which started out pretty badly. It was empty and most everything was closed. But we eventually ended up in Patrick Malloy's. Lacey's Drummer had taken her car because he had to go back to his place to get something and he was bringing a friend back with him...

So L's drummer and his friend, M2(squared), met us back in Hermosa. We were calling him M2 because they have the same name...so we needed some distinction. I was digging M2 and I am single, so even though I had kissed Adain earlier that evening, I wasn't about to miss out on this opportunity. I know...back to my old habits.

Well, M2 was apparently digging me as well, so we didn't try to mask our attraction.

Oh gosh, but before he got there, Mike from work had been hanging with us all day and he is just the worst when he's drunk. He's an ass. Since Nikki and Lacey both pretty much had guys with them, I was the only “available” hook up. Of course, the fact that I'm totally not interested in him didn't phase him. He was convinced it was gonna happen. So at this last bar we went to, I got a case of the hiccups so he grabs me and says, “This'll take care of that for you!” and he goes in to kiss me. So I turned my head and he kissed my cheek. And he was still holding onto me and I was trying to get him off of me and I was saying, “No, Mike, I don't wanna kiss you!” And then the next thing I knew his tongue was jammed down my throat.

I pushed him off of me and walked away, Nikki and Lacey had seen it and were freaking out. Yup...Mike raped my mouth. Disgusting. I was pissed. Apparently he'd been saying to Lacey all night, “Yup, Irene wants me...we have a past.” So gross.

Well thank goodness for M2. He was there to protect me. He was very sweet. He's from Minnesota and was out here on business, so alas, nothing is going to come of it, but it was fun!

We all came back to the apt at who knows what time, and Lacey and her drummer, M2 and I decided to go skinny dipping in the ocean...again, clothes coming off. This is becoming a theme. I can't let that keep happening.

Well, the four of us ran down there, stripped down and ran into the water. It was so much fun! Then we ran back to the apartment and I just remember M2 going, “I need to shower!” So I grabbed two towels and said, “Ok, let's go shower!”

So we showered together and made out and it was all sorts of fun, then we climbed into my bed nakey, made out some more and yes, got our groove on. Yet again, I have to reset my counter, but I have to say 38 days...not so bad!

This morning when I woke up, I tried to piece everything together. M2 and I chatted for a bit. He's really a nice guy. I like him. More than I was expecting to. Unfortunately, I ended up having to drive him to the airport at noon because his flight plans changed. He was supposed to be here all day and leave at midnight. Bummer.

Things that were pretty cute of him:

-He asked to see my headshots...(really??)
-After round 2 this morning he looks at me and goes, “well, that was kind of random.”
-He tried to give me money for gas since I took him to the airport and didn't have much so he said he was gonna send me money. I told him I wouldn't accept that and he said, “Ok, well then I'll buy you dinner next time I'm out here.” I smiled and said, “Deal.”
-He kissed me on the cheek and said, “It was nice meeting you!”

Why does the Midwest have to keep all the good ones??? It's just not fair.

Lacey called me a couple hours ago and informed me that her drummer is no more. She asked him today to define what they were and he said, “I just don't have time in my life for a relationship right now.”

What does that mean?????????? I mean, what've you been doing? You've been taking time to come hang out in Manhattan Beach, you've been sleeping over, you've been having her sleepover, isn't that just as much time as a relationship would take up?

Guys out here are just idiots. Sucks, cuz L's drummer was a lot of fun and I liked them together. And, I have to admit, I was regaining hope that there might be someone for me too, if Lacey's and Nikki can both find some good ones, there's gotta be one out there for me! But, maybe not.

Adain was gonna come hang out today, but plans changed. I ended up running around a bit after the airport. I'm kind of glad that he didn't come because I think he was really just expecting and wanting to have sex, and I didn't really want to. And I know this sounds terrible, but I probably would have because otherwise I would've felt like a tease. Not that I told him I was gonna have sex with him, but I think that's what we were both thinking about last night when we talked about making plans today.

Well, my life is back to normal. No stable guys. Whatev's, I guess I just don't have time for a relationship right now...

When does the Party Stop?

2009-09-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

September 7, 2009.

Happy Happy Labor Day!

So, basically, I didn't post yesterday or the day before because my life has been one nonstop party since I've returned to Manhattan Beach interspersed with a bit of work here and there.

I got back at 8:30pm friday night and Laurie dropped me at home and had to run because he was off to hang with Madrid. Then I received a text from Lacey saying, “Get ready! We're going out!” So I got a little dolled up and waited for Lacey and Nikki to get home from work. We called up the boys we had met the first night and they were out at a walkable bar so we met them there.

One of them stopped when they saw us and goes, “Oh, are you the Dong Bongers??” Oh man, I hope we're not forever called that, but it was pretty hysterical. Well, we drank beer did some shots and headed to another bar called Beaches cause the girls wanted to dance.

It ended up being the three of us, Goofball and one of his friends that we just met that night. Goofball is so damn funny. He's 26 but definitely looks older and I swear that his mission in life is to just get wasted. Screw the hot girls that dancin' up on him and just give him that damn beer!

After Beaches we walked back to our place because Gb was dying to hit the dong bong again. On the way we walked on the beach...it was pretty awesome. Gb gave me a piggyback ride for a bit and then I remember us running for some reason back to the apartment. I don't know why we felt the urge...we just did.

And Lacey felt the urge to strip down...yup, into her skivvies. It was awesome. We have a pretty badass pic of it, and i'll post it when and if I get her permission to. When we got back to our place I decided it was my bedtime and I just went straight for bed. I'll admit, I was sort of hoping Gb would come cuddle, but really only because I've been dying to cuddle with someone. It's been sooooo long!!!

But, he was a good boy, didn't try anything and was more interested in the Dong Bong, which we have now deemed his girlfriend, since, he is so in love with it, he would probably marry it.

Yesterday, Lacey and I went shopping in preparation for this evening's activities and then laid out on the beach. Goofball, Beans and Alan met up with us. They're really cool guys and I'm glad we've met them already.

Lacey has quite the crush on Beans and I'll be honest. It kind of upset me cause, I do too. And I always choose my ladies over guys, so after she admitted that, I knew I couldn't do anything about it. Plus, I'm not about to compete or show off for a guys attention, so I just kind of laid low.

I had to work yesterday and was so anxious to get cut so that I could go party with the girls back in M.B. Unfortunately, even though I got off fairly early I had a snag in the road...my tire went flat. It was inevitable, I had hit it pretty bad a few months ago and had a bump in it, so it finally couldn't handle the stress. Ugh. I pulled off into a hilton parking lot and called the girls. I just didn't know what to do. I don't have AAA anymore and I don't know how to change my tire (I know, typical girl). So Lacey and Nikki showed up to help because Nikki does know how to change a tire (I know, badass girl), and when they showed up I had just about every Valet there trying to help me. It was ridiculous. The whole thing took about two hours because first, we couldn't get the spare out of my trunk. We had to break a piece off to get it out. Then the lugnuts on that particular tire were different than my others, so we needed a special rachet, which no one had, of course. Then when AAA finally showed up they forgot the proper tools, so they had to go back get it. ARRRRGGGGHGGHHH! It was so frustrating.

Finally, we got the spare on and were able to head to M.B. to start our festivities.

I drank...a lot. I just went for it. Balls to the wall. Then we headed out to more walkable bars and I proceeded to just get wasted.

I was supposed to hear from North last night, but of course, he's MIA. I just think I have to be done. No more chances. Things with guys shouldn't be this forced or hard to achieve. So, Lacey's drummer showed up last night and brought a few people with him. They weren't very fun. So, once again on the walk home, Nikki and I decided this time that we would strip down to our skivvies. I only ran around in my bra and jeans, but Nikki pulled a Lacey and was in her bra and undies. Awesome. Then Nikki and I decided that we didn't want the rest of the group to catch up to us, so we sprinted home.

I don't know what it is about M.B. but it brings out the stripping marathon runners inside of us. Ridiculous!

Today is just gonna be one long day of partying as well...i just made myself a wine smoothie and am about to head to the beach! Hope ya'll have a great labor day too!

Flying "home".

2009-09-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2009.

I'm f*ing freezing!!!!! I'm flying back to L.A at the moment and trying so hard not to shake from how cold it is on this damn plane. I hate flying.

Well, it turns out that Laurie is picking me up from the airport. Not what I was expecting, but a pleasant surprise. Drummer had responded with, “Ah, I would but I'm gonna be in Santa Barbara!” and Laurie responded with, “What airport and what time?”. Of course, there was no response from North.

Lacey was totally willing to come grab me, but she's gonna be at work, so Laurie is a sweetheart and he said that he's gonna be in the area and he'll come get me. Yay! No cab fee! It's funny because I totally wanna buy a round of drinks to thank Laurie or something, which costs money, but for some reason it just seems like a better way to spend my money than on cab fare.

I dreamt about Drummer last night. I dreamt that it was tomorrow and he came over to hang out and we were talking and got real close and we kissed. Sweetly and innocently. Don't even think there was any tongue involved. Then, in my dream it was just assumed that he'd be sleeping over, so he climbed in my bed and for some reason I had to finish something I had been doing earlier. And then, the next thing I knew I was finally ready for bed, but it was 8am and Drummer was getting up to go do something. So, I had completely missed my opportunity to snuggle that boy all night.

Strange dream.

So I daydream about North and my subconscious dreams about Drummer in the night. Dream analysis anyone?

I also dreamt in that same dream that Jess hadn't moved away because she had a disagreement with her boyfriend and she was still living in L.A. and owned a Llama. Perhaps, my mind was just being creative last night. Who knows!

I believe I'm still going to see Drummer tomorrow night. I have no idea what the plan is for tomorrow yet, but I hope whatever happens will be fun. I need adult fun. Not sex, but flirting and drinking and swearing and maybe a little making out. That would be fun.

Man. Being an “adult” is a funny thing. You have all the freedom in the world to do whatever it is you want. So why do some choose to do things that make them unhappy?

I want to be an actress. At least that's what I've told myself my entire life. Then how come when I think about going back to acting class next week, I get nervous and want to postpone for another few weeks. Yes, there's the money issue. I don't have any. But, I know that my teacher would let me write her an I.O.U. if I needed. So, what's scaring me or holding me back from having the life I've always wanted?

I have an audition coming up on Sunday. I'm happy to have an audition right when I get back because I get too comfortable when I'm away from this competitive grueling acting scene. I need to dive right back in, hence the reason I should not take a week off from my acting class. I need to go right back in, have my butt kicked by my teacher, get better at this thing I supposedly love and supposedly want to do for the rest of my life and freaking make a name and career for myself!!!!! Just do it!!!

Alright, so that was more a little pep talk I needed for myself. I hope that helped, Irene. Get back on track and hustle!

This blog was a bit random, but these are the things that go through my head while in a state of half awakeness on this long flight back to my future in L.A.

The future can be quite intimidating.

Mr. Fearless...where are you?

2009-09-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

September 3, 2009.

Happy birthday big sis!! Today was her 27th and it was awesome. We did the worlds at Epcot and I learned that I like Norwegian men. They are pretty darn beautiful...got a pic with one that should be my future husband. Perhaps I'll spend a summer in Disney and meet the man of my dreams.

I wish I had a boyfriend to return home to. First, I may not have anyone to pick me up from the airport tomorrow night. In a midday drunk-at-Disney state of mind I stupidly (and embarrassingly) sent a text to three boys I wouldn't mind having as my chauffeur's tomorrow. Laurie, North and Drummer. Just to see if any would be available and/or willing to pick me up.

Lacey has offered, but depending on what time I get in, she might be at work. Blah. I really don't want to spend money on a cab. Yuck.

Today was a whole lot of fun, but I really miss being around people my age with my same interests. I just became so damn boy crazy that I would check out anyone and everyone that appeared to be over the age of 18 and under the age of...well, 80. Not cool.

I keep daydreaming about North. Not sure this is such a great thing, but it sure is fun.

Sometimes though, I just can't picture myself with a boyfriend anymore. I'm a very independent woman and I need a guy who's okay with that. Sometimes, and I know this will sound horrible, but I feel too manly to be a girlfriend. I'm not feminine enough for most guys. I like dressing up and being girly, but more often then not, I like being strong, wise and powerful.

Alright...I need a fearless man to come my way!

Leaving Florida tomorrow and back to life as I know it in good old L.A. Can't wait!

Learn from Mothers Mistakes.

2009-09-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

September 2, 2009.

Yay! I'm beating my pattern! One two punch in the balls! I just text North, because quite frankly I was thinking about him all last night and all this morning and I miss him. I think we could have a really great thing and I'm just not ready to throw in the towel.

He's not like typical L.A. guys, that's why I knew there had to be something up other than him just not being interested. Apparently (I just learned) that his temp job has gotten extended 10 more days. It was supposed to be over and done with on the 27th, but now it looks like he'll still be working till this upcoming Friday.

After I text him that I was in need of some “adult conversation and a large glass of liqueur” he called me. He said, “I'm not sure if I have much to offer in the way of adult conversation, but...”

Adorable. I just really like him. I was picturing one of the Saturdays that we hung out and how I was sitting with him at one point, in a rather cozy position, very couple-esque and we were reminiscing about college. I loved that. It was really special to me.

So, I just told him that this next weekend once I'm home he should come and hang out at the new place. Since, after all it is going to be labor day weekend and there will be crazy parties and what not going on. He said he just might come down to hang out on Sunday...sounds good to him. Perfect. I know this is terrible, but now, if Drummer comes and hangs on Saturday, at least I won't have to be entertaining two guys at once.

I still think Drummer's quite cute and a great catch, I just can't shake North yet. Plus, Drummer'll be going on tour with his band in October and I just don't really want to date someone that's gonna be gone for awhile, even if it's just a month. I don't like that.

Man oh man, I'm ready to be back in the west.

I'm alone in the hotel right now because everyone else is going to the nearest Hess station to pick up some chewing tobacco for my bro-in-law. Sometimes I look at my sister and I just can't help but wonder what's going on in her head. Quite often I have to bite my tongue about things.

She's now a step-mother to an 8yr old, which means if it were her own, she would've had her at 19. Eek. She loves her stepdaughter but when I watch them, all I see is frustration in my sister's eyes. She's constantly telling her what not to do and very rarely says sweet things. Not that she isn't loving, I just feel like she's taken on the role of sergeant so that Daddy can be the best friend. The one who doesn't have to discipline. Then, Sister gets annoyed because Daddy isn't disciplining. It's a ridiculously obnoxious thing to witness.

Then, today, when the rain hit while we were in the park and we all had poncho's except for bro-in-law, and b.i.l. hasn't had his chewing tobacco for a week and hasn't had a single beer yet today, things got tense. And I just couldn't help but think to myself (and I held my tongue) that I was witnessing my father.

My father was a great dad. He was a great friend. He was funny and fun and lovable and generous. But when it came to being a husband...he was sort of a baby. My mom was constantly trying to “fix” whatever was ailing him at the moment and trying to make him happy...to no avail. Well, this is what I witness with Sis and Bro-in-law. He was a big baby today.

I just want my sister to be happy. That is all. And if she honestly believes this is the happiest she can be, then so be it. I believe it too. I just hope she isn't settling for someone that will drive her crazy like our dad did to our mom.

I love/loved both my parents and wouldn't trade them for the world. But, I do wish I could take all those years of depression and strife and fighting and tears out of my childhood and out of my mom's past and replace it with laughter and love and singing and joy. I fear our family wasted a lot of precious moments, believing our time together was endless. It was not.

Now, it's just me, my mom and my sis and I'm not willing to see any of the three of us unhappy! We are magnificently strong, beautiful, fun, smart women who deserve just as much in the men we end up with. I will not settle!

Uh-oh...

2009-09-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

September 1, 2009.

I'm checking out dads and their twelve year old sons....this must stop!

Three more days until L.A. I need my crazy life back!

Eek!

"Hungry Eyes"

2009-09-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

September 1, 2009.

Another month...new adventures! I'm still in Florida with the fam. It's been fun but yesterday I experienced the sending and receiving of what I'd like to refer to as “hungry eyes”. I miss guys my age that don't have wives and children!! I miss flirting. I miss making out! I don't really miss sex. I never, ever crave it anymore. Maybe I've curbed my appetite.

Well, we were down by the pool bar yesterday at our resort and there was a boy (and by boy, I mean guy my age) buying a drink. He was fairly attractive and our eyes met...we fell in love...and lived happily ever after. Right.

We spotted each other and our hungry eyes spoke to one other as only eyes of 25 year old single people in a world full of 10 year olds can do. We were craving adult conversation, drunken nights and hooking up. I could see it. I could smell it. I was, of course, with the fam, so there was no flirting that was to be taking place. Humph. I miss L.A.

It's just so different here. I watch these families with their wives and husbands and kids and grandparents and I just think to myself, 'I don't know if I ever want this.' The dads are all frowning, the moms are pulling their kids this way and that way. The kids are either whining or crying or drooling or pooping and the grandparents have their arms loaded up with bags and stuff that no one's going to remember a month from now.

Happiest place on earth? Not so sure.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my family and I'm having a blast with my sis, bro-in-law and niece. But, I think a week of this is all I could handle. I can't imagine this being my immediate life.

Perhaps when I meet Prince Charming, I'll change my mind. But, I doubt it.

I text Drummer last night. Just want people in L.A. to know I'm still alive. I feel like being gone for a week makes me miss so much stuff! I know I'm probably not really missing much, but it feels like a month.

Also, I went to bed last night thinking about North. It's just so perplexing. He's done with work and he seemed to be enjoying my company when we were together, but no word from him. It's kind of shocking. I expected at least a “Hey! No more work! Victory is mine!” text, but my phone has remained silent.

Granted, he knows that I was going out of town, so maybe he just figures he'll give me space and talk to me when I get back. But really?? No word whatsoever? And then I do what I always do and make excuses for the boys I like, because I know I do these things myself. What if he's just waiting to hear from me? What if he assumes I haven't text or called because I'm the one who's over it? Argh!!!!

I'm just so frustrated with the whole 'mating game'. I just want a fun guy to spend time with and do things with and hang out with and sleep next to. I don't need marriage and kids and happily ever after. Don't they get it?? I'm probably the best girlfriend they could hope for?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

Well, right when I get back there are going to be big Labor Day weekend parties going on all over Manhattan Beach. I've already invited Drummer, and I do hope he comes. I just wish it was going to be North. But, I obviously can't have them both there. Not gonna happen.

Alrighty, three more days with kids, candy and grumpy parents then it's back to Never-never land where I get to act like a child with people my own age, who refuse to grow up and get real jobs.

My niece said to me today, “I'm gonna go to college in California so I can live with you out there and then we can work at the same place!!”

“Cool!!” I responded with a great big grin. In reality I was thinking in my head, if in ten years (when she's off to college) I'm still working my restaurant job...it's time to re-evaluate my life.

I've gotta get a move on!

Someday my Prince will come.

2009-09-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

August 29, 2009.

First day in Disneyworld! It was splendid! It was just as magical as I remember it being the last time I was here which was when I was in highschool (almost ten years ago now...wow!).

To top off an amazing day, in the morning, right when we arrived we were spotted by a Disney employee who invited us to lead the afternoon parade! He saw us all wearing mickey ears with our names on them and knew we had the Disney spirit in us. I think my face hurt from smiling so much!

We rode in the very first car in the parade along with a couple from Puerto Rico who were there celebrating a birthday. Our only requirements were to smile and wave like the world depended on it. It wasn't hard to do. My mom was hysterically laughing for the first five minutes in disbelief. It was definitely an awesome experience that's pretty rare.

I was smiling and waving my heart out when I caught eyes with a boy (and when I say boy, I mean guy about my own age...25) in the crowd. I don't know why he stood out, but he was staring back at me. We only go about 2mph along the parade route, so we had a good long time to stare. I could feel myself blushing, but couldn't look away. Huh.

So, we finished the parade and went on with our day. It was so much fun and I love my family to death. For some reason it's hard for me to express my feelings of joy to them. Sometime ago I decided in my head that it wasn't ok for me to tell them I love them or miss them or am having the time of my life with them...I think it has to do with my fathers death, but that's a whole long story for a whole other time.

Anywho, I love them, I miss them and I'm having the time of my life with them!

We decided to make Toontown one of our last stops before the end of the night parade. We were traversing through Mickey Mouse's house when I turned around and saw the boy from the parade standing across from me. We locked eyes. I quickly looked away again and blushed. We kept walking, I turned back to look and we locked eyes again. Then we heard the train coming that was to take us back to Main Street, so we rushed over and got on it.

Ok, I know this is silliness, but my heart literally skipped when I saw that boy again. I mean, I thought it had fallen out of my chest for a moment. It was probably just a normal human reaction to a surprise filled moment, but I don't know. Disneyworld is full of magic...

Who knows if I'll see him again, because this could've been his last day here. But, I sort of feel like if I see him again, I have to introduce myself or something. I mean, what would be the chances...

It's funny though, because if I were with my girls from Cali, it would be a whole 'nother story. Flirting with guys in front of the fam....hmmm. Not sure how to go about that.

I'll just leave it up to fate. If it's meant to be, a moment that is too perfect to plan for will present itself. For now, I'm off to dream of Prince Charmings and shooting stars!

Universe, take the lead...

2009-09-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

August 28, 2009.

Flying into Orlando right now. I'm super excited to see my family. It's gonna be one great week. For some reason, the past five hours I've had Drummer on the brain. I'm ready to be happy with someone. Someone who's sweet.

Last night when we were leaving the bar where he played a show, Nikki said, “He seems really sweet.” He is. He's genuinely sweet. He's from Texas.

My biggest worry about the situation though is that he just looks so young. I feel no matter how many times he could say he's 25, I just don't see it, so I would constantly feel and act as though I was with someone younger and less mature, which is not the case at all, but it just feels like it.

I guess this week I should try and clear my mind of all things related to boys. I always tell friends when they have to decided between two guys to not talk to either one for a week and at the end of the week, see which one they miss and who's the first one they want to call.

I didn't mention the other day how I found a pic of me and HSSweetheart the other day during all my packing, so I text him. The pic was dated Aug. 23d, 2001. I found it on the 24th, almost exactly 8 yrs later to the date. He responded and told me that he had just found pics as well and wants to call me later this week to “catch up.” It makes me happy that we can be some form of 'friends' after all these years and all the ups and downs. It's time for me to be with someone like him again. A genuinely great guy. Affectionate, emotional, caring, passionate. Yup, I'm ready for another relationship that lasts longer than a year....I'm ready universe! Lead me to that guy!

Goodbye Oaks!

2009-09-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

August 28, 2009.

2:41am.

Sittin' in my bedroom in Manhattan Beach...no more Sherman Oaks!! I'm completely moved out and moved on! So freaking exciting!

Yesterday was rather ridiculous. Nikki and I got up at 5:30, drove Lacey to the airport (she's off for yet another wedding) then headed back up to the valley as the sun was rising to finish cleaning our apartments. We cleaned until 11am, grabbed some lunch and headed back down to M.B. with a truck load of stuff.

We organized, showered and napped then it was back to the valley to do the finishing touches before heading out to see Drummer play a show in Glendale. When I got back to my apt I expected to be all set and final with my moving arrangements because Lil Bro had been there earlier and I had requested that he clean the microwave and swiffer since I pretty much did everything else. Well...when I got there, the place was still a mess. Awesome. So I cleaned as furiously and as fast as I possibly could. I was drenched in sweat. So much for looking cute for Drummer.

I was pretty pissed. But Nikki is awesome and she helped me get out of there as fast as I could. Then we grabbed a rewarding snack at McDonalds before heading to the show, however, I managed to spill McFlurry on my white shirt on the way...thank goodness for moving, because I had some clothes in the back of my car to change into. (Just to show you how ridiculous this past evening was, I had been sweating so badly from cleaning that I had taken my shirt off to avoid getting it all sweaty and disgusting, then went the the McD's drivethrough in my bra....needless to say, I made that guys night! Nikki was just cracking up the whole time.)

We finally made it to the show about 20min in, but we still got to see them play about 4 more songs. So, not too bad. Drummer is adorable. He gives great hugs. I can't wait to hang with him more. Tonight was kind of rushed. As soon as they were done packing their van they were ready to head back to T.O. But we invited them all to come hang on labor day weekend down in M.B. I hope they do.

I had been avoiding asking Drummer about that because I kept thinking, “well...what if North comes to hang?” But, I still have no word from North and I'm kind of over it. Bah!

Well, I just wanted to write real quick, hopefully I'll be able to post this soon, i've been sans internet due to moving, and I'm catching a flight in 6 hours to Florida to hang with the fam. I'll try to keep updating this week, but I make no promises!!

Drummer's adorable.

Digging up Emotions.

2009-08-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

August 25, 2009.

Boy do I have a lot of feelings boiling up in me! I just spent the last hour and half studying/preparing for my acting class tomorrow.

My teacher believes in using “substitutions” meaning events and people from our actual lives that bring about similar emotions to the characters we are playing.

I find this incredibly difficult and I think I figure out why. Because I don't want to go there! My scene tomorrow involves a girl who is “in love” with a boy that's completely wrong for her, yet she's convinced herself and now trying to convince her friend that the boy is in fact in love with her...only to end the scene discovering that he's performed an ultimate act of betrayal.

So...my substitution? Tony. Every inch of my body needed to believe that Tony could actually love me. I need to be loved. I feel very forgotten and lonely these days. Sure, I've got the best girls in the world by my side, but there's only so much emotional support they can offer. I need someone to tell me they love me and prove to me they'll stick around.

Todd fled the scene never to be heard from again.

North no longer texts or calls and I think has forgotten I exist.

Tony was a complete ass and truly believed I'd still want to be friends with him even after he betrayed me along with one of my good friends.

And, that leaves...no one. Me, myself and I. I haven't been letting myself dive too deep into these emotions lately, just because it becomes a pain in my ars. But tonight, I dove....oh how I dove in order to do my scene work. I still don't think I'm 100% there because once I start rehearsing with the actual lines I lose some of my emotional prep. But, I'm on my way. Ugh. Acting can be so cruel.

Tomorrow I get to show the class how good, correction, how great I am at acting like a girl who so badly needs to be loved that she'll lie to herself and prove to herself that this asshole really loves her. Because if he doesn't, who will?

I hope I can just let myself go completely into this role. It's the only way it'll be good. And I think i'm terrified of showing the class what I can really do, because it's too honest.

Yup.

So there's that. I spent my whole day in Manhattan Beach today. It was lovely. Lacey and I went for a morning jog by the beach, walked to a local market to grab some bottled water, came back, I unloaded my car, we unpacked all the kitchen stuff I had brought. I tried to organize my room, but it pretty much looks like a tornado dropped a mack truck right in the middle of it. Then I went and read on the beach until sunset. It was lovely, but I'll be honest, I kept thinking the whole time, “I wish someone would approach me so I could make a friend.”

Moving is tough. Even though I'm so psyched to be in Manhattan Beach, I'm a little nervous because everything is new and different and I have to learn a whole new part of L.A. Where to shop, where to hang, where to workout, where to go to be social, etc. I'm nervous! It's like the first day of school all over again!

Well, tomorrow I go back to the Oaks for class, work and then to pick up the rest of the stuff that's at my apt so that I can spend all day on thursday cleaning everything! I'm so tired of cleaning! But the nice thing is that I'm going on a week long vacation (and may not be blogging) starting friday and when I come back, everything will be in M.B. and all of my affairs in the Oaks (literally and figuratively) will be behind me! That's pretty darn exciting!

Alright, I'm off to clear my head so that I can get some rest before tomorrow's emotional rollercoaster.

Sweet dreams!

I want you to want me!

2009-08-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

August 24, 2009.

“There's blood in my mouth 'cause i've been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but i never say anything.
And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news,baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
'Cause we'll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we'll all be portions for foxes.

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news. I don't blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news,baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
I like you”
[ Portions For Foxes Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

I just heard that song, it's by Rilo Kiley. Wish I could say I wrote those lyrics, cuz it pretty much sounds like my life. Oh Rilo...how you sing my soul!
Not much news to report today. Still packing. Still cleaning. Still no word from North.

I was feeling pretty happy earlier today so I text Drummer, “What are you doing tonight?”

Apparently he's driving up to Redwood City to play a show tomorrow. Our schedules really just don't match up. I told him I'm leaving on friday for a week so we better hang soon!

It's funny for awhile I didn't want to hang with him again because I just don't want to lead him on if I do in fact have a chance with North. But now the more I think about it, I've been pushing away the one boy that's genuinely interested in spending time with me. Drummer texts all the time trying to get me to hang out and I continually say, “Not tonight”. Well, not anymore! I think I'd like to spend time with a boy that wants to spend time with me.

It's all just part of my pattern. I go for the unavailable, uninterested ones because they're more of a challenge. C'mon...who doesn't choose the hard to get ones?

Over that game. Drummer...let's hang!

p.s. Nikki's already had sex twice in the new place...I feel some bitterness arising in the next few weeks. Thank goodness I'm headed out of town for a full week! Eek!

Exhaustion.

2009-08-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

August 23, 2009.

Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion. Moved a bunch of stuff out of the Oaks and into MB yesterday. Came back to the valley, met up with Nikki and Lacey and headed to The Roxy to see a band play. Lacey knows the drummer so we went to support. It was a rather good time!

Then L's drummer invited us all to come hang out at a house party in the Woods. Nikki had an early morning, so we dropped her back in the Oaks and headed back down to Hollywood to attend this party.

We agreed that if it was lame we'd head out quickly. But we also decided we wouldn't allow it to be lame. Or rather, I decided. As soon as we got in the door I chugged a beer. Then as Lacey keeps saying, I was “on fire!” We had groups of boys around us all night long and I just kept 'em laughing. L's Drummer was a lot of fun! I like the idea of her and him. I won't get ahead of myself, but I think they're cute together.

I was just insane last night. I didn't do anything too stupid. Except I ended the night by making out with this rather tall, very shy gentleman. Man was he shy. It's funny how the very first kiss got me thinking, “yeah...not as fun as I'd hoped.”

He was incredibly sweet, a complete gentleman, but I was honestly, just drunk. This is the first guy I've kissed since North and I started locking lips. I didn't like it. I miss North's lips. I don't think I get to see him this weekend. I finally heard from him (but only because I initiated it) and found out that he's been working almost 80 hours nonstop this week. No wonder he's been MIA. Just wish he'd have desired to text or call me on his breaks. No such luck.

I don't know when I'll get to see him again and it makes me rather disappointed. I need to move on, but I don't want to.

Gah!!! Nikki said to me yesterday, “Don't worry girl, it'll happen when you least expect it.” I don't know how I could expect it any less than I do now. I literally feel as if I'm just destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of everyone saying, “It'll happen when you stop looking.” “You'll find the right one when it's your time.” Blah, blah, bite me.

Ever notice that the people saying this are always in a relationship?

Humph. Well, we closed out that house party last night. Lacey and I left at 5:30am with her drummer and we went to get breakfast (best bfast I've had in L.A. at this place called K24...check it out, it's killer!). Then Lacey and I came home as the sun was rising and crashed in my bed until about noon when I had to start getting ready for a rehearsal for class.

So, yeah, I'm pretty exhausted and running on very little fuel right now. My eyes don't want to stay awake, and yet, I'm planning on driving down to MB to drop of a car load of stuff, spend the night and then come back up here tomorrow for a whole 'nother load of stuff.

Moving is ridiculous. I have too much stuff. Wish I knew how to be a minimalist.

I want a boyfriend. Blah!

Welcome Back to College

2009-08-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

August 23, 2009.

It's only 9:27am and I just can not wait to blog about last night.

First, what is the deal with people being so damn quiet in L.A.????? When I first moved out here I thought L.A. was going to be like this completely crazy party town, where everyone is wild and drinking and doing drugs and having house parties and pool parties and out until all hours of the night.

This is not the case. Apparently, if you're hanging out on your deck with two girlfriends drinking a glass of wine and laughing at 1am on Friday evening, your neighbors scream out their windows, “PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!”

Well. This is just not gonna fly! So we were feeling good last night after our wine and we decided to venture down the street. In our p.j.'s and Nikki and Lacey decided to go sans shoes. Not even five minutes goes by and we meet someone.

His name is Bert. He lives a couple blocks down. He has four single roommates. He invited us to come back to his place...oh yeah and we were carrying around the Dong Bong (have I mentioned that in early posts, man, I hope so!). So, it being our first night in Manhattan Beach and all, we decided to go make some friends.

If you've never been, basically Manhattan Beach is like one big college dorm with the brainy obnoxious neighbors that are trying to get sleep because like fools they signed up for the saturday classes also.

We walked the short four blocks and entered Bert's place and were introduced to his 4 “single” roomies. One by one. We met one outside. He was a goofball and may be the most fun of them all. Then we met one who was chillin' on the couch...he's a bit socially awkward. Then Goofball gave us a tour of the place and we met Beans, who was asleep, so Lacey jumped on him to get him up. Then a few minutes later the last one emerged from the basement, along with a girl, who seemed too comfortable with him for him to seem “single”.

We stayed and all took coors light out the Dong Bong....yes, everyone did. All the boys seemed a bit more excited about it than the girls. It was pretty awesome. We apparently made such a ruckus that the cops were called on us. What is the deal California?!?!?!?!?!?!? But the cops were chill and just told us to “close the windows”, just like they did when they showed up at my place. So weird.

We stayed for a bit longer and the thing I loved, absolutely loved about this scenario, was that the guys weren't obnoxious and trying to get in our pants. They were literally just hanging out with us. Oh my goodness...is it possible to have a guy friend in Manhattan Beach? It just might be! Psyched would be what I'm feeling right now.

After quite the fun evening, we realized it was 3am and we had abandoned our apartment leaving the door unlocked and candles burning(yes we failed safety class), so we decided to head out. But we didn't get very far before Nikki and Lacey both decided they had to pee and couldn't wait 4 blocks. They crouched in front of our new friends apartment and did their thing. Just then Goofball appeared and shouted, “I saw that!” And Nikki and Lacey took off running down the street, dropping the mug Nikki was carrying and smashing it all over the middle of the street.

Turns out all Goofball wanted was someone's number so that he could call us tonight and invite to come over to party with them again. Awesome. We made friends our first night in the dorms, er, I mean, in Manhattan Beach!

It's gonna be one wild and crazy year! I can smell it! We're in trouble.

* * *

Well, back in the real world, aka the Valley, I'm gonna do some packing today and possibly some more driving because, surprise, surprise another friend of mine who I know from back East is visiting Covina. I think it's like a 45 minute drive east. Ugh. So sick of driving, but I guess August is just a month for me to reconnect with people from my past. I'm gonna go have lunch with him, come home and pack up my car, then get ready for another crazy evening with the girls. Tonight we're doin' up Hollywood. Man, oh man.

Updates tomorrow!

Wine with the Ladies....

2009-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

August 22, 2009.

Lacey got me good tonight. I had my performance tonight (I'm in a female quartet, if I hadn't mentioned that before) and Lacey and another girl from works were planning on coming. I was really happy to have friends come to see my work. I text Lacey to make sure she didn't get lost on the way, “Did you make it?” and she responded, “Nah...I'm sorry, I'll see you tonight girl! Xoxoxox.” I just about cried. I was so sad that she wasn't coming. It made me realize how important it was to have her there.

But, she got me. When we came out on stage she was right there in the second row...

It was a decent show, of course I fumbled...damn nerves.

But tonight is one very extremely exciting night....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

WE'RE SLEEPING AT MANHATTAN BEACH FOR THE FIRST NIGHT!!!!!

Just for the record, I love these girls! I know we'll probably have our tiffs now and then, but damn, I love these girls!!!

This is going to be one of my favorite living situations probably ever. Ever.

So, I have a feeling that most of my blogging is gonna be about these girls rather than boys. Especially since there really are no boys happening in my life lately.

Still no word from North. Drummer's out of town. Adain called today out of the blue to invite me to a pool party this evening...but I felt like he really just needed a “date” or something. It was weird. I didn't go.

And that's all folks. Gonna go enjoy our first glasses of wine in our brand new lovely apartment! Hope you're all having a lovely evening as well! Toodles!

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

2009-08-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

August 21, 2009.

I got away for a night and it was just what the doctor ordered. I think L.A. is the cause of all my symptoms. I was feeling so stressed and angry for no reason. I didn't realize this until I was in the middle of Yucca Valley spending time with one of my best friends (Ike) and his Aunt and 8 yr old cousin. Real people, with real values and real lives. It was just what I needed.

Ike is great. He's spent the entire week there with his family helping out because his Aunt is struggling with cancer as well as being a single parent. So he's basically been a 25 year old father of two for the week (his cousin's friend has spent almost every day with them also). I just sat back and watched as he nonchalantly took care of these two 8 yr. old girls and what respect they gave him! Every word they listened to. He barely had to raise his voice and they understood he meant business.

Ladies...Ike's a catch! He's fun, he's smart and damn he's gonna be a great dad someday!

I told him I'm proud to have a friend like him. I really am. It's been about 10yrs that we've known one another now and he is irreplaceable. Why have we never been together, you might ask? Well, two reasons 1) because he dated my cousin/best friend and you just don't cross those lines and 2) because I would never ever want to fuck up the relationship we have right now. He's one of the greatest guy friends I ever/will ever have. I love him!

Man, but in the short amount of time I just spent with his family, it just made me realize I need to take a step back from L.A. every once in awhile. It gets to be too intense. I also realized I have a goal for myself: I want to take a trip to Europe. A nice long, soul searching trip.

I don't know when this will happen, but I'm gonna start raising funds and picking places that I must see. This will happen before I'm thirty! I'm positive. I'd like to go with someone, but right now, I don't have to know who it will be. I'm not quite ready to decide yet.

Hmm...

Heard from Drummer today. He's adorable, I think he was in my dream last night.

Haven't heard from North. At all. Tomorrow's saturday, so maybe tomorrow.

Broke the cleanse a bit last night so that I could eat dinner with Ike and the girls. My stomach doesn't completely hate me!! But I'm gonna do the cleanse still for the next few days. I just want to feel like I have a clean slate.

Alright. Performance tonight. Moving stuff and a possible audition tomorrow. Life is good. No need to stress!

An Almagamation of Feelings...

2009-08-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

August 19, 2009.

It is my very bestest friend's birthday today, so I first have to give her a shoutout and tell the world that I love her very much and world...if you do anything to make her cry, I'll have to kick your butt!

Ok. Well, I'm feeling a little lonely this evening. A little lonely. A little sad. A little stressed. And fairly hungry.

It's day 2 of my cleanse. I've done it pure for two days! Although, tonight I did not to the salt water flush because I may have quite an exhausting day ahead of me tomorrow and I don't want to be dehydrated.

Lets see:

Tonight I'm lonely because...

I haven't heard from North since Sunday and it just kind of makes me wonder.
I'm tired of not having a guy that sticks around.
I want to talk to someone and have no one to call.
I miss my girlfriends from the East.

Tonight I'm sad because...

Refer to most of the reasons I'm lonely.
Add that I'm doubting my acting ability.

Tonight I'm stressed because...

I have to pay my first months rent tomorrow and my bank account is extremely low.
I have now made plans to meet up with Ike tomorrow which involves me driving two hours away, going on a strenuous hike and they either telling him I can't eat dinner with him because I've started a cleanse, or eating dinner and potentially getting sick from having solid food in my stomach.

*phew!

Tonight I'm fairly hungry because...

Well, because I've been intaking nothing but liquids for the past two days.
However, I'm surprisingly not as hungry as I expected I would be.
Perhaps tomorrow will be another story.
I'm not ready to break my cleanse after two short days!!!! Noo!!!!

I think the main reason diets and cleanses fail is because peoples lifestyles don't accommodate for it. People are social creatures. Being social involves going out to eat or going out for coffee or going out for ice cream or going out for drinks...none of this is helpful when trying to avoid the intake of calories.

Well, I text Drummer tonight. Yup. I'm lonely. I just want someone to “watch 'I Love You Man' and drink Jack Daniel's” with...like Nikki and her boy are doing tonight. Not fair. I'm bitter. Yup. I said it. I'm bitter. And bitterness shall take me to sleep! Buenas Noches!

Cleanse...

2009-08-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

August 18, 2009.

So day one of the Master Cleanse has come and (almost) gone...

The first part isn't so bad. You spend the day drinking a pitcher of homemade lemonade with cayenne pepper in it. Which, actually tastes pretty darn good.

But then...you have to chug 25 oz. of salt water. I almost threw up. A couple of times. This part is supposed to flush out your system. Awesome...can't wait. I did this about 20 minutes ago because I was home for the evening, no place to go, no people to see and I have the apartment all to myself. Well, it's supposed to take affect within 30 – 60min and lil bro just got home...awesome. Now I have an audience as I run to el bano every 5 minutes as my angry bowels yell at me!

Oh cleanse...I hope you're worth it.

I have absolutely no, and I repeat, no boy news to share with you today. I spent my day rather productively! Lacey and I walked to Trader Joe's to get supplies for our cleanse, then we came back to my apt and cheers'd our first glass of lemonade. Then we did level one of the 30-day shred...thanks Jillian! After which we chilled for a bit and watched the videos we took during our trip to Palm Springs. Lacey hadn't seen them yet. Made us miss Jess terribly! Come back from Hawaii!!! We need our fourth lady!

I then drove Lacey home and I ran a few errands and then did loads and loads of laundry in between packing up the kitchen. I have to say, I feel quite accomplished! The kitchen is looking emptier and emptier and cleaner and cleaner and I can't wait to start moving stuff into the new place.

The only boy I talked with today was Ike, my friend from home, who is currently in Cali helping with some family drama. He had a rough day and called because he needed someone to listen. I wish I could see him while he's in town. I just want to give him a great big hug and let him know everything's gonna work out, but he's about 2hrs south and super busy. I told him I'd drive to see him. I totally would. A hug would be worth it. He seems so stressed.

It's funny because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and is way upset about it. Last time I was home he was explaining to me how he's just ready for a relationship and wants to be settled down finally. I told him I was feeling the same way. He had started seeing a girl that we both knew in highschool and was really excited about this new prospect. Now, barely half a year later they're already over and done with. It sucks. I feel your pain Ike, I really do.

No word from North today, but not letting myself worry about it. I'm busy, he's busy. Life happens. Meh.

But I was thinking in the car on my way home from rehearsal this evening how I'm really ready to be with someone who's around a lot. More than once a week. Someone who hangs out with my friends and comes to my house on the nights I'm not at his. Someone who wants to hear about my rehearsal and is excited to come to my performance on Friday, flowers in hand. Someone who's just always available whether I want them there or not. And I don't mean, like, has no social life or life outside of me, I just mean someone who's able to come over if I need them near me. I don't know if North will be able to provide this for me for a very long time. I don't know if Drummer would be able to provide this for me, although I do believe he might try.

So, there you have it. Caught in my usual, same old, same old position. But, the rest of my life is pretty darn exciting! So, I'm not gonna let my singledom get me down!

Night!

Weight Matters...

2009-08-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

August 17, 2009.

Wow, so I'm terribly boring on the man front these days!

Haven't heard from North today, but I wanted to give it some breathing room. I feel like I've been texting him a lot lately and I definitely don't want him to ever feel overwhelmed. I'm still dying to kiss him though! Argh!

Drummer text me tonight, wanting to hang out. I'm kind of relieved that he lives in Thousand Oaks and not closer, because if he did live closer, I would more likely accept his invites to hang out and we'd probably be kissing and doing more than I feel we should be doing at his point in time. I feel great about not having been with a single guy in any way since North. It's an awesome feeling, even if he doesn't know it, I like knowing it.

Went on a hike with Lacey this morning, and we're gonna get up and be adventurous again tomorrow morn. Then, she wants to start the “Master Cleanse”, I think it's also called “The Lemonade Diet”. I want to do it with her, but I'm somewhat nervous because, excuse my French, I don't want to be caught in the middle of work and have to shit my brains out or be hanging out with a boy and have to run to the bathroom five times in a row...

Oh cleanses, why are Americans so obsessed? Do other countries use cleanses as much as we do? I wonder. Probably not, because most often American's do it to lose weight and people from other countries are always naturally thinner and don't have to worry about obesity as much. Man. To not have to ever worry about your weight, how wonderful! Think how much time we would all gain if weight was never an issue!

Sometimes I wish I didn't want to be an actress because really, I'm only concerned with how thin I am when I think about how I look on camera. Bah! Whatev's I'm determined to make it as an actress whether I'm thin or entirely huge! I'm in it for the talent and not the looks....Take that Hollywood!

Updates Mañana!

Hasta Luego! (I'm learning Spanish...trying to put it to good use!)

Piercings.

2009-08-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

August 16, 2009.

Why are piercings so intriguing?

North called me tonight (after I text him: “So, i'm just gonna tell you, i'd like to kiss you again soon.”) and informed me that he went and got his lip pierced this evening after he got off work.

Now, my first reaction, naturally, was to wonder what it's like to kiss him...hmmm. I think I'll like it. He's so different than guys that have been interested in me in the past. I never date guys that appear to be “bad boys” but are really sweet. I tend to date the ones that look like “Mr. Niceguy” and turn out to be assholes. I like this change.

I really don't want to wait till next Saturday to hang out with North again, but most likely that'll be what's gonna happen.

The girls at work are all telling me to still spend some time hanging out with Drummer. Keep my options open. I haven't seen him since almost two weeks ago now. I wonder how quickly he'll lose interest if we don't hang out soon. I'm just not entirely sure I want him to be interested yet.

I was telling Lacey tonight that it's just so hard for me to see him as his real age because he looks so freaking young. I truly feel as though I'd be robbing the cradle! I mean...if he still looks this young at 25, when will he start to age?? I don't want to be 30 and dating someone who looks like they could be my son! Alright...yeah I'm getting ahead of myself. Argh!

Anyway, once again, not much to update on the man front. North is awesome. I would like very much to kiss him. Especially with his lip ring. Rarrrrr!

Getting up bright and early to go hiking...man do I need the exercise! Wish me luck!

Saturday Nights...

2009-08-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

August 15, 2009.

Manny just left this morning. We went out last night to Rocco's. I was in a foul mood due to issues I'm having at work right now. I may need to find a new job in the very near future. Argh!!!

But anywho, I tried to snap out of it at Rocco's so that I didn't ruin everyone's evening and ended up buying a round of shots that cost me $75...yeah, awesome. Then some random guy with braces (not that I'm judging) decided it was the end of the night and he better make his move now or never. He sits down at the table I'm sitting at with Manny and shakes his hand. I have my back to Braces...on purpose (guys, if a girl doesn't open up to you physically, read: she's not interested and you pretty much have no hope of getting her interested). Braces extends for a shake and introduction with me. I shake his hand quickly and keep my back turned.

Braces: What are your aspirations?

Me: I have none.

Braces: C'mon, everyone has aspirations. What are they?

Me: To die young and beautiful.

Braces: What? C'mon!

Me: Perhaps tonights the night.

Then he launched into so incoherent mumbo jumbo and I just got up and walked away. Yes, bitchy. But do you notice? He still didn't even get the hint when I was being rude, so I don't feel so bad. Why are guys so lame?

Anywho, I went to hang with North for a little bit tonight. He was quite cute. Called me to make plans and said, “Well, it's Saturday!” Referring to the fact that we have indeed spent the last three saturday nights together. I enjoy this fact very much so. Tonight was a little shorter though. His brother was coming in to spend the night before heading back to Chi-town, so I couldn't spend the night tonight, unfortunately. I would have really loved to, but gotta respect the fam!

We always take forever to kiss...the whole night is always a lead up to it. It's kind of fun, because it's a guessing game of when it's gonna happen. Well, we sat and watched brainless t.v. For two hours, then I got up to leave so that he could do what he needed to do with his bro and he grabbed me and pulls me in tight and kissed me. It was so nice. We just stood there kissing for a bit. I really like doing that.

And, I haven't kissed anyone else since we started hanging out. I'm rather proud of that fact! I've kept myself pure just for him! Man, I wish he was ready to dive head first into what could be an amazing relationship, but he's not. Sucks for me!

Next saturday, I'll be moving my stuff into Manhattan Beach apartemento!!! I'm so psyched, but also a little nervous because this is going to change quite a few things for me. I'm gonna try to get North to come down to MB next saturday...let's see if I can be persuasive. I hope I can!

And that's pretty much the news on the home front...when company's in town things are pretty quiet in boyland.

Patience is a virtue...

2009-08-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

August 13, 2009.

Todd's on my mind right now. It's not that I'm missing him, I'm just kind of in awe that he came and went from my life in a very similar fashion to the first time he came and went from my life. I just can not believe that he has not called, text or emailed me at all. It just seems so weird. For a quick moment things between us were going so very well. Then in a blink of an eye it was just over.

I guess though everything happens for a reason. If Todd were still in the picture, I would not be speaking with North or anyone else for that matter.

Still conflicted about North. I'm just so tired of not being in a relationship.

Went to Manhattan Beach today with Manny, Nikki and her latest. Nikki and Marine were all over eachother all day. I just don't really get it. She moves on so quickly and gets so deeply involved with each and ever latest. I can't even bring myself to show much affection in public, just in case that guy isn't around the next weekend. I don't let them label me their girlfriend, just in case it doesn't last too long. But, I want a guy that's gonna be around each weekend and I want a guy that's gonna last a good long time. I'm so conflicted!!!

Why can't North just be ready??

Well, last night Manny and I got into a heated topic...my sis/his ex. We were painfully honest about how we felt about her recent marriage and how everything ended between them. I know that he feels “sorry” for her, but other than that I can never really tell what he wishes would have really happened. I wonder if he still loves her, but I could never ask.

I think he's looking for someone as well though, I think he's ready to find something permanent and I hope he succeeds. He's a great guy and he really deserves a great relationship.

Oy vay. Life can be cruel.

I guess “good things come to those who wait..”blah blah blahhh.

Ok, real quick, before I go and watch a movie, randomness, Pedicab text me the other day. He wants to see me because he's in LA. What??? It's almost been two months since that adventurous night in San Diego and I thought it was all well and forgotten. Apparently not.

Ha. Oh dear.

Simple Solution?

2009-08-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

August 12, 2009.

Went to silverlake with Manny and the girls. It was like an acting class reunion. The bartender was from my class, the bouncer was from the class and one of the girls sitting at the bar was from my class. I now realize I have many persona's and I rarely let them mingle. So, here was my Manny persona, my drunk persona, my class persona all clashing heavily against one another.

I only had three drinks tonight, but I feel pretty darn tootin' wasted. I drunk text North. I want to be with him tonight. I just want to feel his lips against mine and lay next to him fingering his tattoo. Ugh. I'm too impatient!

We're all going out again on Thursday and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of work. Then Nikki wants to go line dancing at Borderline on Saturday night and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of his bro in Santa Barbara.

I might call Drummer, but a part of me feels guilty doing that for two reasons, 1) because I really like North and don't want to jeopardize anything between us and 2) I don't want to lead Drummer on thinking that there could be more between us, because frankly right now, I'm not open to it.

Oh man. Why can't I just have one clear choice and it be good and not complicated and I won't have to wait for it or fend off other options, “in case” it works out. I need a simple solution!!!!

Where's my simple solution?!?!?!?!

I'm tired of going to bed alone. That is all.

Mini post

2009-08-11T20:43:00.001-07:00

August 11, 2009.

Going out with the girls and Manny tonight...this should be interesting. I'm super exhausted, but I know Manny wants to have some fun, so I gotta get myself some energy and get ready for what the night has in store!

Wish North could hang out...dang his work schedule. We text briefly this evening, but not too much. I tried to go the whole day without texting, but alas...I just like hearing from him.

Updates soon! I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell!

The way things were...

2009-08-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

August 10, 2009.

I'm pretty happy, but a little doubtful.

I started cleaning and packing up my apartment today for two reasons. 1) To get a head start on what may become a very stressful month and 2) My sister's ex, Manny, who's like a brother to me is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.

I never knew how much his opinion mattered to me until today. I was scrubbing the house because I want him to be proud of where I live and proud of the life I've gotten for myself.

It's interesting, because Manny and my sis were highschool sweethearts and dated for 7 yrs. My sister decided at the end of the 7yrs that she needed a ring on her finger or she needed to move on. Well, they were already living together and Manny is a product of divorce and isn't too fond of the idea of marriage. So, when Jennifer (my sis) confronted him with this option, he told her he was “happy with the way things are” and that he doesn't want to get married.

What a tough place to be in. They had to break up. Not because they didn't love one another, but because they wanted different things. So, I've remained friends with Manny because, well, frankly, he's been around since I was 16 (almost ten years!!!), he taught me how to drive stick, he knew my father (who passed away years ago) and he's just a great person. I honestly can't imagine my life without him.

My sister knows we still talk and hang out, and it doesn't thrill her, but she's openly admitted to the reason being that she's jealous that she doesn't still get to hang out with him. Understandably. I've told her that if she ever wants me to stop seeing him, I would, in a heartbeat. She's my sister and of course more important to me. But, yeah, I'd probably be somewhat bitter and a bit upset. She knows she can't do that to me.

He really is the one stable male relationship I've had since before my father passed away. So, I kind of really need him in my life.

Needless to say, I'm psyched that he's coming tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's gonna be a blast!

On to North News...he's adorable. He text me all day yesterday and a bit today. Everytime I think about him I smile. When he walked me to my car on sunday morning he held my chin in his hands and kissed me, oh so gently, goodbye. I loved it.

However, here's my dilemma. He's definitely damaged from his very recent past relationship (why does this keep happening to me, ahem, Seattle). I truly believe he likes spending time with me and I truly believe we could have something great. But, I'm not willing to get into much of anything with him until he's over his ex...which will take quite awhile, seeing as it was 10yrs long and only been 5 months apart. Eek. I'm ready to find a relationship and he's def. not ready to be in one, at no fault of his own. I do want to continue to hang with him, but I'm worried that I'll be giving up something I want and falling for someone I can't be with.

What do I do? I guess I just have to see how it goes. Take it slow. And if something else comes along that says, “I'm ready and willing...” I have to be open to that. I can't wait around for someone anymore!
Ugh. I wish North had broken up with this girl years ago and that he was just now ready to seriously date. Then it would be even more perfect than it already seems to be.

Alright, 6 hours before I get up to hike! Laterz!!

I'm just a little person...

2009-08-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

August 9, 2009.

I have a pattern of meeting guys that I really really like, but who aren't ready for relationships. And, I supposed I'm probably the best girl they could meet at those moments because, unlike others, I won't run screaming for the hills, nor will I flip out on them and make them feel bad.

I'll tell them till the cows come home that it's fine and we can take it slow and not to rush into something they're not sure about. Because, I feel as though if I act accordingly, I'll still be getting pretty much what I want, they'll still be getting pretty much what they want and we won't have any of that drama bullsh*t that screws up relationships.

I hung out with North last night. It was awesome. We had beer and whiskey. We talked about how f*cked up dating in L.A. is and shared stories. I told him I keep a blog about my dating life, but I didn't give him any clues as how to find it. I don't think he's a sleuth like Seattle was, so I'm pretty sure my secrets are safe for now.

We were gonna watch a movie, but literally just spent the entire night (from 8:45 on) just talking. Although we've been friends for so long, we haven't kept in touch that well, so pretty much the last four years of each other's lives had been a mystery and all we knew was hearsay from mutual friends.

Then, the coolest thing about being on “date” with an old friend is that you can reminisce. This doesn't happen with strangers. We started recalling moments of our past that we had shared and not until this very moment in time did we realize we had shared them. Funny how that works.

Man, it was a really great night. Again, one of my favorite L.A. evenings spent with a guy. Granted my best nights in L.A. have been with my girls, so that's why I have to define that it was great night with a guy.

I told North straight up that I don't ever want him to think he needs to rush into things with me. I want us to be friends no matter what and even if we decide that the kissing needs to not happen between us anymore, we will still hang out. I know he's been through a lot and I, like I said in a previous entry, just want to be that “fun” part of his life. He was uber relieved to hear this. I knew he would be.

My only request was that he always be honest about how he's feeling. I just hate wondering and worrying when I can't tell what's going on in his head.

Ok, so my most favorite moment of the night was when we was sitting at his computer and I had gone over to stand next to him so he could show me a music video, after it was over this song came on that was unbelievably perfect for the evening. Here's the youtube video:

It was just so ironic because it was exactly what we'd been saying earlier in the evening, “Let's have some fun...you're the one I like the best.” Man how perfect.

I spent the night and this time, I did sleep in my undies, but again, no sex. Yay! I have no doubt in my mind that if we do eventually sleep together, it will be phenomenal, but I'm in no rush. I like what we got goin' on and I hope we're able to do it for awhile.

He's so funny, I told him how down in Manhattan Beach on labor day weekend there's gonna be a big crazy wild block party and he should come down to hang and he said, “Are you still gonna wanna hang with me in September?”

To which I responded, “Yeah, I'm still gonna wanna be friends with you in September!”

I hope our fun lasts for awhile. He needs it. I need it. It could be something very good.

Calm after the Storm

2009-08-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

August 8, 2009.

Well, as you all know, I can be, um...yes, a bit melodramatic sometimes. Ok, yes, most of the time. But how boring would a non-melodramatic blog be? Hmmm??

Well, I have a ginormous headache. And I do believe it's from the stress caused from the information overload the other day. I was feeling oh so shitty that I actually manifested pain in my own body. Humans are incredible creatures. Well, I'm slowly but surely getting over the shock of the other day's news, but I still have a headache.

Good news is...I've heard from North and we're supposed to hang out tonight! I went all day thursday and pretty much all day friday without him texting/calling and vice versa. Then on friday night, I just felt so stupid and kept thinking, “Well, what if he hasn't text or called because he thinks I'm over it...” So, I text him.

Me: “Hey...”

North: “Hey, dude.”

Ohmygod!! “Hey dude”???? He's soooo over it. I'm not texting him back. He hates me. Our friendship is over. He must think...*riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg*.

He called even before I knew how to respond to that. I'm an idiot. I do overreact.

We chatted briefly. He said I sounded “underwhelmed” or “perhaps that's just you.” I explained that I still just feel really weird about the whole situation and I'm just not sure how to go about it. Also, I told him it had been a somewhat rough week...possibly why I sound “underwhelmed”.

Then he said, “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

And like a complete dork I responded, “Yeah! Well, if you still want.”

So, he just called me a little bit ago and told me he gets done at 8pm and feels like a chill evening...so dinner and a movie at his place. Sounds good. Check. See you then.

I have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO work on my defensiveness. I don't let myself get excited when I answer his phone calls because if I don't care now then I won't care later when it all falls apart. This is no good way to live. I went for a long walk with Lacey the other day and we talked about how it's just so much easier when you don't care. And it really is. It's probably less fulfilling, but it hurts less also.

Humph. Well....in other news, just so you know there's more going on in my life than boys, we signed our lease yesterday down in Manhattan Beach!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so uber psyched! Totally new chapter in my life.

I was telling Nikki and Lacey (my soon to be roomies) how I feel like this apartment is the first one I've ever chosen to live in because I wanted to and not because it was a necessity. I'm in a part of L.A. that I think I will truly fall in love with and probably won't want to leave for a very long time. I'm living with people who I truly adore and feel as if they've been my family my whole life, even though I've know them less than two years. It just feels so right. Everything will work out. The sun will shine and the waves will roll in Manhattan Beach. And I'll be out there attempting to soak it up and surf! Yay!

F*ck my life.

2009-08-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

August 6, 2009.

Fuck my life. Fuck it.

I guess karma really is a bitch because I just can't seem to catch a break.

My phone is silent. No word from Todd, no word from North.

Heard from Tony and fucked up my entire day. Just when I was getting over what happened between us six months ago, he had to go and tell me the whole truth and fuck me up as if it happened yesterday. God, I don't even know if I can bring myself to write about it. I want to rip him out of my life and my memory and pretend he never had his dirty as balls in my life.

I'm nauseous and wish I could just throw up a whole years worth of hatred, sadness, anger, contempt, blah blah blah. I just want to purge myself of that past so badly!

And now I just don't know if I can ever trust anyone, guys and girls alike. I'm really fucked right now.

I trusted that Todd had changed and genuinely wanted to make things happen between us and now he's MIA just as if it were still the first few months after we met.

I trusted that North genuinely was excited about what was happening between us and now he hasn't text/called for a whole day, which is odd for him. I don't think he has any intention of contacting me again.

I trusted that Tony and fucking Lindsay were telling the truth about what actually happened that night in february. But now I'm just an ass for falling for their bullshit. Turns out, Lindsay had suggested the whole threesome bit and Tony went with it and after I left and was walking back to my house in the sketchiest part of town with no more battery on my phone, they fucked. Then to put a cherry on it, I paid for Lindsay's cab back to my place and she made me feel guilty for leaving her alone there.

Have I said it enough yet? FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Yeah so fuck my life. Fuck it.

Past Comes a knockin...

2009-08-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

August 6, 2009.

2:27am

Had a very unexpectedly interesting night.

Um, first, I'll update about North. Think he's officially scared off. But then again, I could just be overreacting because I'm a very paranoid person. I mean when I left this morning everything seemed fine, kiss goodbye, hugs, the usual. But he didn't text me all day. I couldn't take it anymore, so around 3pm I text something stupid, just to get the ball rolling.

It didn't go as planned. I tried again a bit later. Again, not the response I was hoping for. Then, no phone call, no nothing. I mean, it is very very possible that he worked till late tonight and perhaps is even now just getting home, but he usually is a texting fiend!! So, I'm a bit saddened and nervous.

He's not a California a**hole, so, what happened? I get it if he's nervous or wants to take things back a step. He's been through a lot. So, I don't want to rush, but I need honesty! I can't stand not knowing how someone's really feeling. I'd rather he be honest and tell me he's not interested then avoid talking to me at all cost. That's so much worse. Ugh. I'll stop. I'm sure I'll hear from him tomorrow.

Ok, in other random news, I get this text from a number I don't know while I'm at work: “Hey Irene! It's Drummer from the rock band L***. How the hell are you? I wanted to drop in because rumor has it that you live in la and I do now as well...”

I don't know if I mentioned this in earlier posts, but I worked on Warped Tour last summer and became friends with a bunch of band guys. This guy is in a particularly popular band, so I won't mention which, for privacy sake. But, it was so unexpected that he even remembered who I was! I mean, I remember hanging out quite frequently with a couple of his band mates, but he was always kind of shy and in the background. Well, it turns out he moved out here about a month ago and now he wants to hang. He said, “We should grab a drink sometime!” So I said, “Definitely!”

Then, to make the evening even more exciting and random than it possibly could be, an old familiar face walked into C's while I was working and I think my heart literally stopped.

It was Tony.

I have not seen nor talked to him since February. Wow. My body was stuck to the ground even though my mind was screaming to run away as fast as I could and I have no idea what I looked like but I imagined that it wasn't pretty. Wide eyes, jaw dropped, eyebrows raised, possibly mouthing the words, “F-no!”

But, I am an actress, so I simply smiled and said, “Hey, how are you?” And stood there having about a five minute convo with him. He said, “You look good.” I didn't know how to respond, because usually you say something like, “Thanks, so do you!” But, that would have been a blatant lie.

Then I sighed and said, “Well, this is awkward.” And we actually kind of had a laugh about it being awkward. Then I got distracted by customers and he was just there to pick up a to go order, so he paid and came over to say goodbye.

He said, “Well, I would say see you soon or call me sometime, but I know you wouldn't.”

And I said, “Yeah, you're probably right.”

And he said, “Do you still even have my number or did you delete it?”

And I replied honestly, “You know, I don't even know.”

Then he said, “Well, I got a new phone, so I don't have anyones anymore.”

Me, “Is this the part where I'm supposed to give you my number?”

Tony, “Well, I feel like we should have a conversation.”

Me, “Yeah, I suppose we should.”

Tony, “So what's your number, I'll call you.”

Me, “555-----”

Tony, “What time do you get off? I'll give you a call later.”

And he actually did call. I didn't hear my phone ring, but he left a message. I don't know whether or not I should call him back. I mean, he was such a disastrous part of my existence last year and I've actually gone since Feb. without talking to him. If I invite him back into my life now, things could go downhill...and fast. The weird thing though was that despite how angry he made me back then, my first instinct was to hug him.

No matter how hard I try not to have feelings (and I don't mean love, lust or desire, I sort of just mean caring) for him, I always find myself magnetized to him. I think he feels the same. Why else would he have come into C's to pick up some food, knowing I was working tonight? He knew because I was the one who answered the phone when he called. And he came anyway, instead of hanging up, he ordered and came in. He knew he was going to see me.

And c'mon, if people don't believe everything happens for a reason, then explain this. Tonight of all nights I run into him...I wasn't even supposed to be working tonight. I was supposed to be at a rehearsal an hour earlier, but somehow, I got stuck staying late. Hmmm?? So, I'm curious why I was supposed to run into him tonight. There is a reason.

Ok, wow, this post is uber long. So, I'll make this last bit short as possible. After seeing Tony I needed something fun. I got off work and text Drummer and told him I'd meet him up in Thousand Oaks later at Borderline Bar & Grill where he was checking out a band. I haven't seen him since last August. About exactly a year. I was kind of nervous that I wouldn't recognize him. But, I did. He's a 25yr old man that looks precisely 16 yrs old. He has the babiest of baby faces.

I had forgotten how old he actually was, so all night I felt so wrong hanging out with him. He was clearly hitting on me and I just felt like such a cougar. I kept thinking, “oh god! His mother would hate me right now!”

But at the end of the night he made a joke about not looking his age and how ridiculous it was that he was 25. I was ever so relieved!!! Now, I might actually hang with him again. Man. Age is pretty important. I just hated the thought that I was hanging out with a boy and not a man. So weird.

Nikki and her current beau came along and they were drunk and super fun. I'm glad they came. I was DD, so nothing stupid took place, thank goodness. I'm glad I didn't kiss Drummer or he didn't attempt to kiss me goodnight, because if I do hear from North soon, I want him to know in his heart that I've been good.

Argh! Drummer text me once I got home and said, “Glad you came out and I can't say I won't hit on you more next time we hang...”

What the hell? Why are all these guys coming out of the woodwork all of a sudden?

It's weird, but I like it! If I'm surrounded by options, but keep them all at a distance and in the “innocent” zone, I think I'd be able to abstain for quite awhile. I know, I know. I say this all the time!

Time Travel

2009-08-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

August 5, 2009.

Just got home from North's. Went over there last night just before midnight. I was dying to see him. It was definitely weird. Not in a bad way, just in a “I've known you forever, but not quite like this, so I'm not sure how to act” sort of way. We watched some t.v. And it took him what seemed like forever to work up the courage to kiss me.

Finally, he snuggled his nose into my neck and then made the transition to kissing me. Then he asked if that was ok. I said, “Definitely.” We kissed some more, then moved over to his bed. He lives in a studio with a very tiny couch, the bed was the most reasonable option for us anyway.

We made out a bit and rolled around, but did not have sex.

I actually didn't want to. Not because I'm not attracted to him. Because, I think I'm just so very in my head about this situation. I like him a lot. I've known him for almost 7 years now, but I barely know anything about him. I'm terrified to have sex with him. I'm terrified that we'll have sex and I'll never see/hang out with him again. I'm terrified that if we continue this or take this further, we won't even be friends that once in awhile see each other.

I guess I never realized how much I cherished North's friendship. Humph.

I do know that waking up in his bed this morning was one of the most delightful feelings ever. Even though I had about 5 minutes to jump out of bed and change back into my clothes (he gave me p.j.'s to sleep in) so I didn't get a parking ticket.

I lay there thinking, “The ticket's almost worth it...” I'd rather have stayed in bed with him.

Ok, so what's different about this situation than ones in the past is that, I really would have said no, had he tried to have sex with me. It's always been easy to just have sex, because I don't care about those people, who cares if it's bad, who cares if I'm bad, who cares if we never speak after...

Also, I didn't sleep in just my undies, like I normally would with someone I'm sleeping next too. I've even done this when I just met the guy, but with North, I didn't want him to see my granny panties or think that I was “moving too fast”.

I changed into p.j's in the bathroom. Again, I have no problem changing into things in front of guys. Ever. I'm very confident in my body and I feel comfortable showing it off. However, I was so nervous. I just didn't know what exactly was going on between us, and again, I didn't want to seem too forward.

What's funny, is that North joked about us, “not being good at taking this slow”, but in reality, this is extreme slow-mo for me. I haven't taken things this slow since college, go figure.

There was a moment when he was on top of me and we were making out, I heard one of his neighbors doors slam and I couldn't help but chuckle a little because it felt like we were time traveling back to freshman year and were in his bunk in the dorms and his roomie was going to walk in at any moment.

How strange. I need to get out of my head and go with my feelings on this one. Or else I may not go anywhere.

Truth Time!

2009-08-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

August, 3, 2009.

So, I've been texting back and forth with North all day today (and yesterday too). He's just simply adorable. He text me last night before bed that he would text/call in the morning and wanted to know how early was too early, because he didn't want to wake me up. I told him, “as long as it's not 6am, you're fine.” But what I really wanted to say was, “Call me anytime you want, I'll be happy.”

So he called me around 1pm, which was his lunch break. We talked shortly, he told me I sounded “somber”. I suppose it's more of my defense mechanism coming across. When he called me, I originally missed his call, I didn't hear the phone. I debated not calling him back (cuz I'm a chickensh*t), then made myself, because I really like this boy and I don't want to play the usual games with him. I want this one to work out nicely.

After our short convo, (in which he requested that I let him know if he's ever texting/calling too much, because he doesn't have a “sensor” for that sort of thing. Um...a boy in LA that's worried about calling too much??? Unheard of!) we continued to text and I said:

“Truth time: I'm pretty anxious to hang out with you again.”

To which he responded:

“Truth time: it's hard to get all of that out of my head as well.”

Yay! So then we decided that we need to make some plans. He wants to “actually take [me] out”. He's super cute! I requested that we have a late date this weekend, since he works until 8pm, I believe. He told me that he's about 90% sure he can make it happen. And he was very adamant about making sure I knew he really wants to make it happen.

I told him not to change his schedule, but rather to “fit me in”. I want to be as low maintenance for him as possible right now. He's got a lot going on and I want to be the “fun stuff” and nothing stressful added to his plate.

Things I know about his past...his girlfriends family was R.I.C.H. They bought him gifts all the time and paid for so much...i believe even the last apartment he was living in was paid for by her/her family. She was tall, skinny and blonde. But, I never really thought of her as beautiful. We do have similar looks though, so he must have a type.

Man, the Midwest knows how to grow 'em. I haven't stopped smiling all day because I just keep thinking about him. I'm dying to kiss him again. It was so nice. I don't want to have to wait till this weekend to see him again, but I am willing to.

Man oh man oh man....

Happy Time.

Old Friends, New Flames

2009-08-03T01:46:00.000-07:00

August 3, 2009.

1:22am

Whenever I miss more than one day of blogging you can tell there's lots going on. It's always the exciting days that I don't have time to blog.

Cliff Notes:

Todd has used up his last chance
I have to restart my “abstinence” counter (old habits die hard)
May be starting something interesting with an old friend
Still pretty stressed

Um, to expand a little. Text Todd on friday night inviting him to come hang out with me and my friend who was visiting. No response. It's officially monday and still haven't heard from him. No excuse for this, especially since he's the one that really wanted to give 'us' a go. I give way too many chances. That was Todd's last. I promise!

I got drunk out of anger on friday night, don't remember half of the evening, but do know that I booty called CRAgent we got our groove on. He's really quite cute and sweet. But i've only seen him about three times now and I've always been drunk. I can't quite bridge the gap into hanging out while sober.

Hung out with, North, an old friend from college last night. He's lived in L.A. for about three years now and I saw him very briefly when I first came out, but haven't seen or talked to him since. He's been in a relationship with the same girl since I met him my freshman year of college. I've always enjoyed his company and despite his many “issues”, I think he's a really great guy. Well...he's single now. And in my opinion, I had one of the greatest nights I've had in L.A. with him last night.

We were drinking with Ann, who was in town visiting me these past few days. We all went to college together. So we went to North's place, grabbed some dinner and then a bottle of vodka and got a bit tipsy. Ann was clearly all over North. I'm sure she's always had a crush on him, he's great, he's talented, he was in a band...she's a sucker for that. But Ann has quite the 'tude and can be difficult to get along with sometime. She clearly annoys the hell out of North. So, I just sat back and watched as North sent me messages with his eyes and Ann flopped all over North. Later, after Ann was passed out and North and I were spending a quiet moment with a glass of water in his kitchen, he told me that I'm “really good at acting disinterested.”

That I am. It's called my defense mechanism.

Well, North and I kissed. I've known him for 7 yrs now and nothing has ever happened between us until last night. It was really, really, really great. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all night. I'm dying to hang with him again and dying to know how he feels about what transpired.

It was just such a genuinely sweet evening. We kissed a lot. I wouldn't even call it 'making out' because it was filled with more care and less lust. He's a great kisser. Man. Even writing this I'm zoning out because I'm just thinking of how great it was.

Ann had passed out in his bed, so he and I crashed together on the floor. However, we didn't want Ann to know anything had gone on between us, so in the morning time, we acted completely cool. She asked as we left his place, “Did anything happen with you guys?” and I casually said, “No”.

But wow. Whatever that was, was pretty freakin' great.

Now, worries that I have about the situation. North is incredible. He hasn't really been single since he was about 15...um, yeah. So, I don't want to rush him into something he's not ready for. But, he was the one doing all this relationship talk last night and explaining how he's just so tired of L.A. and will never fit in because he's not just looking to get laid.

Despite what this blog leads you to believe, I really am not looking to just get laid either. I really truly do want something meaningful and worthwhile. I think I could have this with North.

And, sure, I know what you're all thinking, “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” I'm really going to try to take things slow with him. As slow as I can handle.

I actually get nervous when I think about sex with him because we've known eachother for so long, it could either be incredible or a really bad idea. So, I'm gonna put that on the back burner until I'm totally ready.

Emotionless sex is easy. It's when you truly care about someone that it gets complicated...

Things I don't want to forget about last night:

The way his eyebrows would lift up as if totally surprised every time I kissed him
When he made me lean in to kiss him so that he would “know I was kissing him and not vice versa”
“Truth time”
Pinky swearing that if we felt awkward in the am we'd be honest
Him telling me, “You smell really good...sorry, was that creepy?”
Him taking pictures of us, because he wanted to remember this moment
How hugging him just felt right
The way he cupped his hands around my chin and pulled me in for each kiss
He told me I'm the perfect height
He was wearing a shirt that has batman and robin kissing, so I said, “So, I guess I'm Robin...” and he replied, “If that means I'm Batman, hell yeah.”
He joined in when I did “runway” down his apt. hall
I told him he's “fun” (refer back to Lacey's and my conversation about Todd and other boys not being “fun enough”) North totally is.

Think I need to see him again tomorrow. Haven't felt this way about a guy since the infamous ex and I started dating...eek. Scary shit.

Re-Focus

2009-07-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

July 30, 2009.

1:00am. About to go to sleep. Lots of jargon (hehe, I like that word and it's not used nearly enough) on my mind. I have my very best friend from college visiting me for the evening. She's asleep in the living room next to a man I've never met before and she's only known for a month, 90% of which she has been on a road trip across America with him.

He seems really nice and she seems really happy. That's all that matters.

It's funny how when you see old friends you realize how much you've changed. I mean when me and Kasey get together, it's like no time has passed at all, yet I feel like I'm different in many ways. It's a strange feeling.

Nikki and I are going to look at apartments down in Manhattan again tomorrow. I still haven't told my roomie that we're moving out in a month. I know, I need to...like tomorrow. He needs to know so that he can also start making arrangements. I guess I'm just freaked because I know this will not be the greatest of news to him and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I just hate disappointing people. It sucks.

But, I gotta look out for myself.

Todd text me tonight while I was at work: “When are you leaving to road trip up north?”

My response: “Well, we wouldn't be leaving until Sunday or Monday.”

No response from Todd.

I wanna be over it. I really do. But for some reason something just keeps me hanging on. Why is it that I just can't let go? I guess I just fear that we could have something really great and I could be just throwing it away...am I?

Befuddled. I think it's upsetting me so much because I actually care. I have feelings for Todd. I like him...a lot. It's just not going anywhere and I'm not sure it ever will.

**

So a funny thing about this blog is that I tell very little about myself other than my dating life and experiences with men. And I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't put so much focus on the man part from the beginning and just blogged about who I really am and what I really do, would I have been able to abstain and keep from dating this whole year? I think, yes. I think I would have found a deeper love for myself, since the focus would've been on me and how great I am (yes, I know, it sounds selfish and self-centered). I looked at this challenge all wrong, and now here I am halfway through my year, already failed my previous goal. Man, I'm a slow learner.

Now where does one go from here? Do I refocus my blog and tell you things you never knew about me? (Because, believe it or not, there are great things going on in my life that have nothing to do with men) or do I keep the focus on men because that's the theme and purpose of this blog? Then at the new year I can start a brand new blog with a brand new focus...

Opinions? Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Advice? Let me know!

Over the Valley...and through the B.S.

2009-07-29T00:40:00.000-07:00

July 28, 2009.

Shouldn't have done it. I text Todd. It was 10:30pm and I was missing him. Text him to see if he was still awake. He responded that he was about to put down the book he was reading and head to bed. Not the response I wanted. Then asked when he was going to get to see me, to which I responded, “Was hoping tonight, but I guess not. Prolly not for a week.”

I have a friend visiting for the rest of the week, so I wasn't exaggerating and we may be taking a road trip to San Fran for a couple of days, so I really probably won't get to see Todd for a week.

Now, any sane person that had feelings for or was hoping to start a relationship with or wanted to show some form of emotion for someone else would have taken this opportunity to say, “That's not ok. I'm gonna come over now.” or “I can't wait that long. Come see me tonight!”

Well, then, Todd is not a sane person that has feelings for me or is hoping to start a relationship with me or wants to show me some form of emotion. He responded, “I feel like I'm being punished.”

I feel like I'm being punished. Well, so do I. I feel like the world is punishing me by handing me man after man that is void of showing me affection. Man after man that is void of wanting to be with me. Man after man that oggles my best friend and pretty much ignores the fact that I exist or have a personality too. Yes, world, I feel like I'm being punished.

I guess that's it for me and Todd. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not willing to sit around week after week in hopes of seeing him at least once and that one meeting just being mediocre. I am not ok with this. Todd, it's been fun. Better luck next time.

I did see Adain tonight, for the first time since that unforgettable evening back in February with Liam. Adain got back into town the other day and text me, so I suggested that we meet up at C's for dinner and catch up. He almost didn't come, but I think I made him feel guilty, which was not my intention at all. He came, we chatted, it was kind of weird.

Another man from my past called me tonight, Mack. I can't believe this, but he has not been in any of my blog posts this year! That is a shocker to me. He was a rather interesting part of my life last year. I won't go into detail, but I've known him almost as long as I've lived here now and long story short, he was in love with me and tried to date me last year the same time Tony came into my life. Tony won, but ever since Mack has been on a mission to get me drunk and sleep with me again. Yuck. Anywho, he called tonight and if I wasn't feeling lonely, I never would have answered. But I did and I offered to get together for a drink next week after my friend leaves town. Um...yeah it was a moment of desperation.

In other news: went to Laurel Tavern with Nikki and Mike tonight after work. 'E' from Entourage was there. He is in fact as adorable in person as he is on the show. I made no attempt to introduce myself. Mike introduced me to his director/writer friend, this arrogant son of bitch from Britain. Did I mention, I hate Hollywood?

Directors type? Funny you should ask, it's so original: young 20-something women. How old is Director? Oh, well, let me tell you! He's clearly in his late 40's. Did I mention I hate Men?

Gross. I can't wait to leave the valley and prove to Hollywood you don't have to suck dick to become successful. Can Not Wait!!!!

Opposing Forces

2009-07-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

July 27, 2009.

Really want to see Todd tonight. I have such opposing forces at work inside me right now. Too bad this isn't an acting scene or it would be award winning.

Fact: I'd really like to see Todd tonight.
Fact: I don't know if I want to be his girlfriend.
Fact: I really want to abstain for the rest of the year successfully.
Fact: If I do start a relationship with Todd, not sure he'll be able to abstain along with me.
Fact: I still notice/think about being with other guys.
Fact: Todd is very comfortable to be with.
Fact: Todd genuinely wants to be with me.
Fact: I don't want to hurt him and am terrified that I will.

So, here I sit, not wanting to contact him because I have two ways to go about this. Contact him and hang out with him and potentially face the reality that we really shouldn't be together, or don't contact him, go MIA for a bit and he'll get the picture.

That's pretty shitty and I don't want to do that. I don't know what I want to do. I was feeling so focused on this topic last week when I hadn't spoken to Todd yet. I felt clear, focused, energized, optimistic, and happy. Now I'm back to be just plain confused again.

Blah. I want to be a robot with no emotions.

Different Kind of Heartbreak.

2009-07-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

July 26, 2009.

Just said goodbye to Jess. She leaves L.A. tonight and leaves New Mexico for Hawaii in 6 days. I'm heartbroken. I cried, and still am crying. I feel like this past year has been magical because of my girls and now we're one down. It's pretty devastating.

I know I'll see her again, it's just kind of the end of an era. I've never felt a bond with a group of people quite like I do with these girls. When the four of us are together, we're unstoppable. Now that it's down to three...we're still pretty powerful, but we have a weakness.

I text Todd tonight while I was hanging with the girls at C's to see when he gets back from San Diego, where he was for a convention for work. He responded, “Just got back 20 min. ago.”

I just don't know. I don't know. I'm being stupid and pathetic and want to find everything wrong with the situation between us because I'm terrified to be in a relationship, yet crave one so bad. So, I got annoyed that he didn't respond, “Just got back, really want to see you!”

Then we text back and forth a tad bit and finally he asked, “Sleepover tonight?” to which I replied that due to lack of sleep and the glass of sangria which is floating around in my system, I'm incapable of driving. He informed me that he carpooled with his roommate and left his car at work. How inconvenient. Guess we're not having a sleepover tonight. Then this got to me and I just couldn't help but think, if he really wanted to see me, he'd make it happen.

I guess I know what I should do and need to do, I just don't want to do it. I desperately want to be held tonight. I'm really sad. But I want someone who understands to be holding me, not some stranger. And if I called up that person, it would have to be...

...someone I have yet to meet.

I want a man who makes me feel as beautiful and as powerful as my ladies do. I won't settle for less.

*Just realized I didn't fill y'all in on what happened Friday night. After I blogged about wanting Todd to contact me, he did. About 1am and after a couple beers he worked up the courage to text me. We had a quick back and forth which led to him coming over so that we could discuss what happened last weekend.

He came over, we hugged for what seemed like forever, then went to lay down in my bed and talked a little about what happened between us. He apologized for overreacting since, “We're not labeled.” and told me it made him realize that he truly has feelings for me.

I told him that I can't go back to the way things were because “it wasn't enough for me.” Meaning, I was really enjoying my time with him, but if we're spending every weekend together, I want to be able to spend weekdays together also. You can't have a relationship based on two days a week. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that he has complete and utter control over his schedule and if I want to see him more, he can make it happen. He had been giving me space, which my email said I wanted.

So, we snuggled all night long. Woke up next to eachother. He told me he loves waking up next to me. I said, “Ditto.” Then he went his way and I went mine. No call, no text, no nothing, until I text him tonight. Not good enough. I need more.

Something's Missing...

2009-07-24T20:57:00.001-07:00

July 24, 2009.

Just got home from work, realized it's Friday and I have no plans. Sort of missing Todd. Still haven't contacted him and vice versa.

Sort of hoping he contacts me tonight, drunk or sober so that I have a reason to start communication again. It's been one week since that massacre of a weekend.

That is all.

"She's a Hater!"

2009-07-24T03:13:00.000-07:00

July 24, 2009.

There is no better word to describe how I'm feeling right now, than 'SHIT'. I've had one of the most incredible days (yesterday technically) and yet right now, because of my past, I feel like shit. And not just the kind of human feces that comes out when you're eating a healthy diet full of veggies and fiber, but the kind that oozes out of a dogs derriere after he's eaten human food off the kitchen floor and knew he shouldn't, then a little kid accidentally runs through it while playing in the grass and his favorite shoes, which are now soiled with this oozy dog shit get thrown in the garbage and taken to a landfill, there to forever sit and stink amongst its own kind.

Ok, well let me back track.

Spent all day yesterday with my girls. It was our last thursday with Jess...she leaves for Hawaii in just a few days. We're all gonna cry. So we took her to Six Flags: Magic Mountain, since she's been dying to go. It was a blast, it was hot, it was sweaty and the lines were long, but every minute was worth it to be with my ladies.

Then we had to rush back, Lacey had work and I had an audition then off to rehearsal.

I almost didn't go to the audition, because, well, I was feeling exhausted and lazy. But, something just kept saying, “Go...you should go!”

So, I went. And...........long story short, I got the part! Not gonna say too much about it, because still want to keep me, myself and I a somewhat secret. But, I just have to say 'thank you' to my girls first of all and secondly to this blog, because without the things I've experienced this year, I never would have gotten the part. I read the sides and I just about died, because this girl is me, this girl is Nikki, this girl is Lacey. Not so much Jess, because she's not single and totally devoted to her man. But, wow. It just had to be me! And, here I sit, still semi glowing after my first (already) rehearsal with the cast.
I'm stoked. I feel rejuvenated. I remember why I came to L.A. To act. Not to fool with boys, not to find true love, not to be a waitress in a crummy restaurant. I came to L.A. to be an actress.

I'm back. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Anywho, I rushed out of rehearsal, because, although this was such a great opportunity, I was being a shitty friend and missing out on Jess's going away party at Senor Fred's. I sped back to the valley and discovered that S.Fred's was closed, I had missed a call from Seattle (really?) and my phone was now too dead to call and find out where everyone was. Luck of the draw. I drove by Off Kilt and there was Nikki. I pulled a U-y (how do you spell that, I've never tried before) and ran across the street just in time to spend the next 45 min with my ladies.

The night was great. I was referred to as a “hater” because I made fun of a guy who was hitting on Nikki and using pathetic pick up lines. I'm just so over being “nice” and pretending. I almost announced to everyone outside that I no longer like men. Just to get them all to shut up.

I wasn't even drunk, but I was fiesty! I'm over sugarcoating bullshit. Just freaking say it like it is!!!!!

So, finally here I sit at home, 3:08am on friday and I just read the email and listened to the message from Seattle.

Again, long story short, turns out some photos and comments leaked into the internet and Seattle is requesting that I delete them. He is completey right, and I told him so, I was just kind of stupid. I haved a shared page with my girls where we post pics and what not so that we all have access to them. However, there's a password and only the four of us know it and we only post things on there knowing that it's for the four of us and not the world.

But alas, the internet sucks big balls and somehow our whole page has been public. Um...the only thing left unanswered right now is how exactly did Seattle stumble across this page...and why?

I wrote him an email, accepting all guilt. I do feel like an ass. It was rude and childish. I should've known better at my age than to trust the internet. Now I know. Better to learn this now than when something really serious came up (like my sex tape...haha, totally joking. Or am I?)

Anywho, I need to try to be less of a “hater” I suppose and go back to being a nicer person. I used to be so nice that I never used a swear word. I don't know how I ever f*ing did it. Damn.

Alright. Well, I'm gonna try to get some sleep and not let this ruin the incredible mood I was in earlier as I was orgasming with joy in my car over my career achievement.

Live and Learn.

I'm Engaged!!!!

2009-07-22T17:35:00.000-07:00

July 22, 2009.

I feel awesome not having a single guy in my life right now. This is what I was supposed to be experiencing all year long and my life kind of tumbled off the wagon...

Well, now's my chance. I really don't want to fuck this up. So, guess what.....

I'M ENGAGED!!! (again.)

I was at class today and it's hard not to admire my classmates, most of them male, single and actors, so of course they're charming. I just kept watching one of them, thinking, “He's adorable...I wonder what it would be like to hang out with...STOP IT IRENE!” Ha. It's like an addiction, I'm gonna have to break.

Was thinking about heading into work early to chat with Nikki before my shift starts, but she just shot me a text letting me know that Sam is there. I really don't want to see Sam and be fake and pretend to be happy to see him. However, on the other hand, he lives with Tony (not sure I mentioned that in previous posts or not) and I'm sure word would get back to Tony that Sam saw me today and that, well, let's be honest, I looked great!

Ha. Oh why do ex's always make us want to show off what they've lost? It's so childish and pathetic and totally rewarding when you get to do it!

So, undecided whether or not I'm gonna head in early or not. I'm leaning toward no...but we shall see. As for now, I'm gonna enjoy my silent phone and my empty apt (lil' bro is somewhere...) and get ready for my shift.

Please send engagement gifts via my email online. Gifts of all sort are appreciated! Thanks!

Random Thoughts.

2009-07-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

July 21, 2009.

Harumph. What to say. What to say...

Didn't text/call Todd tonight. I just don't think I'm gonna. I just don't see a point to it all.

One regret I have is that I left an oil dish at his house the night I went over to cook dinner. I really like that dish and I'm sad to see it go, but I don't really think there's any chance of ever seeing it again, unfortunately. Last time I slept over, I saw it in the kitchen and thought about grabbing it and putting it in my purse, but then I just thought, naw, I'll grab it 'next time'. I should've just grabbed it right there and then.

Moral of the story ladies...don't leave things at boys places. You may never get a chance to get them back. Grrrr.

Absolutely silence on my phone today. No boys are curious as to where I'm at. It's somewhat calming. A little ego deflating, but all in all a good thing for moi.

Mike at work came in tonight and announced that he saw my 'ex', Tony. “Homeboy's gotten fat!” I gave Mike a high five. I'm a terrible person, but I love hearing this. When Tony and I first got together, he was beautiful. Now we no longer talk and I know he can't possibly be getting together with girls more attractive than I, because, well, this is Hollywood, and he's fat. Yes! One point for the home team!

Went for a brief drink with Nikki to porn star karaoke at Sardo's after work. Tried my very best to give off a bitchy vibe so no one would hit on me. Two attempts and I just kept up my ice cold treatment. Nikki's too nice. She's just so willing to chat with everyone that says 'hello', even if she knows right off the bat she's not interested. I'm not willing to do this. Think I'll start claiming to be a lesbo.

On the drive home, we passed by the house I last saw CRAgent at. Kind of wanted to text him. Didn't. I realized then it would be my fault for inviting a man into my life.

It's just plain hard to be single. As much as you want your independence and freedom, you can't help but crave that nighttime affection.

It's been forever since I've hung out with a boy that I like in the day time or just, for hanging out sake. I miss it. I wanna go back to high school for a day or two.

Friends...should stay out of it.

2009-07-20T17:29:00.001-07:00

July 20, 2009.

Why is it that once you make a decision and resolve to something the universe throws a stone at your face? So, after I text Todd yesterday afternoon about possibly grabbing a coffee and chatting for a bit, he didn't respond. I took this to mean that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and that was that.

I've been a little sad thinking about how it all went down, but I've been putting a positive spin on it and realizing, what this meant; I have a 100% clean slate right now. My phone is silent, there are no boys knocking at my door. Wow. This is my opportunity to keep it that way.

This thought was growing on me. No ties to anyone right now. Free to do and be whatever it is I want to do and be...

About 20 min. ago, Todd just text me. He wants to meet for coffee, how's tomorrow night?

Crap. I don't want to meet with him anymore. What am I gonna say? “Thanks for meeting up to discuss “us”, just wanted to tell you in person that I like the idea of there not being an “us”. See you later!”

I told him that I sent the text yesterday and was shocked to hear from him, he just got it this morning. I haven't committed to meeting up yet. I'm still not sure I want to. I told him I'll keep him posted if I'm available tomorrow.

I mean, what is there to talk about anymore? I don't think I want anything from him. I want him to know I'm sorry for acting so dramatic and drunk the other night, but that's about it.

Ugh. What's a girl to do?

I don't know what to do!

Oh man, and now I just got another text from Todd explaining that his phone was “confiscated” the other night after his last text to me, because his friends were being, “well...friends”.

Great. So that means they all think I'm an asshole and don't want him talking to me. Which now makes me feel even less like talking to him, because if we did happen to talk things out and decide to either continue what we've been doing or start something new, his friends don't like me.

ARRRRHGFHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm really upset now.

On to the next chapter...

2009-07-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

July 19, 2009.

I feel lousy. Things with Todd just went south incredibly quickly and I fear there's no chance of fixing our current situation.

Went out with my coworkers last night, back to Rocco's it was. I wasn't really in the mood to drink and I sent Todd a text asking what his plans for the evening were. He said he definitely didn't want to go to Rocco's. Understandably, I would never have asked it of him.

Rocco's was kind of dull. I mean we all had a decent time, but I'm just so tired of guys and bars and drinking and hook ups and blah blah blah. I text Todd when I was feeling especially low during the evening and informed him “I'm over the bar scene...” to which he responded, “Thank you!!! Good, time for vacays with Todd.”

Um...I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just didn't. Then later on in the evening we were texting back and forth about me possibly cabbing it out to see him and we weren't getting anywhere and I was getting increasingly frustrated. I just wanted him to want to see me so bad that he didn't care what he needed to do to make it happen. So when he kept texting me, “we'll talk tomorrow”, I got angry and told him I'm “over it.” And he replied, “I figured.”

I guess what I really meant is that I'm over how f*ing hard it is to get together with that boy. It shouldn't be so freaking difficult to coordinate plans and make it happen. Especially if we both want it. I told him I'm sorry and he wrote back:

“No, you are not, I know what you wanted, you emailed me the script, I just can't follow it, I got in too deep, it's fine. Trust me, I'm ok. I truly want the best for you. Don't give up on your goals and dreams. We still hang out, I promise, we just need to be strictly friends. Like you originally said. I'm going to sleep. Night.”

Then I tried to call him right after he sent it and his phone was off. I was pissed. I replied, “ok great. Have a good night. I won't waste my time tomorrow.”

I'm an ass and now I'm just sad and angry. I didn't expect this with Todd. I did/do have genuine feelings for him. I think I'm just petrified to trust another man ever again. I hate that I let myself start to feel for him, because now it just sucks. This feels like a mini breakup. Not nearly as tough as when you break up from years of “I love you's” but still more painful then never hearing from a fling again.

I DON'T GET IT!

I text him about an hour ago asking him to meet me for coffee because I don't want to leave things like this with him. It just doesn't seem right. But, no response. I'm very sad about this. I guess I was a jerk and probably deserved this, but God, when will it end???

Alright. Off to rehearsal. Blah.

Confusion and Cocktails.

2009-07-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

July 18, 2009.

I was on a roll, I was doing so good and then I had to go and get drunk last night.

(To the tune of “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...”) What a mess, what a mess, what a mess, what a mighty big mess!!!!!

Went out after work with Nikki, Miguel, lil' bro and his friend who's visiting from Minnesota. We went to Rocco's. Saw some guys that were at C's earlier celebrating a birthday, so we introduced ourselves and started up a conversation.

Earlier that night I had hoped to see Todd, however, he at the last minute changed plans, which upset me a bit because I got off work a little early and was excited to see him. I didn't want to wait. I'd been waiting since Monday to see him! So in a grumpy state of mind, I resolved to not see him at all.

He had been texting me and calling and I ignored him for a little. So, back at Rocco's, I'm in a conversation with the birthday boy from C's and in walks Todd and his entourage. He was pissed. I could see it in his eyes even though he wasn't saying it.

I went over and said hello and hugged everyone, etc, etc. Then, in walks Laurie and Madrid. Oh F*ck. So, I'm surrounded by men and two of them from my past/present, who don't know anything about the other and I don't want either of them to know about the other, so I'm trying to do the rounds without looking or being too flirtatious with anyone. Ugh.

Well, I think I successfully pissed off Todd to the point where he didn't want to be around me anymore. He left with his friends to go to a different bar down the street. This kind of upset me also. But really, I was just creating drunken drama.

I resolved not to let Todd bother me and still have a good time flirting with boys. That I did. I chatted a bit more with Laurie and Madrid, who threw in another comment about how I'm always “surrounded by guys” whenever he sees me out and he wondered, “Which one of these is your boyfriend.” To which I strongly replied, “None of them!”

After Laurie and Madrid headed out, Nikki and I exchanged numbers with the Birthday boys and told them they needed to come out with us tonight...I proceeded to text the number I received with the following message: “You're hot! Let's make out tomorrow night!”

Ugh. I'm an ass.

Nikki and I decided we're going back to my place with lil' bro, Miguel and friend from Minnesota. Oh god, why do we do the things we do when we are drunk!

I'm gonna just make a long story short. Miguel headed out about an hour later, friend from Minnesota ended up in bed with me and as for lil' bro and Nikki...well, yeah, they made out.

But, this was not before a drunken Todd climbed over my gate and arrived at my apt unannounced. I was in the living room making out with friend from Minnesota (ew...never would've done it sober) and Nikki bursts in (she was out having a smoke) to announce that Todd is there and save my ass from being caught. Todd comes in and we immediately go to my room to talk. He was pisssssssed! We proceeded to have a heated conversation about “us”. I proceeded to weep and beg him to stay the night, which he refused. Then after he left, I had friend from Minnesota “lick my wounds.” Ew again. Why oh why!

Ok, well, we didn't have sex, for the record. We tried, but (thank God) he couldn't get it up from drinking too much. But we fooled around and we woke up on opposite sides of the bed and haven't spoken yet since the incident. I left early to retrieve my car from C's and him and lil' bro have been at the beach all day. I'm not looking forward to when they come home tonight. Awkward...at least he leaves tomorrow.

Alright, so where does that leave Todd and I? Who knows! He's been golfing all day and I have to work later, so I probably won't be seeing him until tomorrow. I'm such an ass and I feel like a fool. I do wish that he had just stayed and slept over, that way I wouldn't have friend from Minnesota on my list now.

I went to coffee this morning with Lacey and told her all about the debauchery that was last night. We discussed my options with Todd. I think I've decided I can't be with him. Our lives just aren't working together. I never have time, he never has time and that's not going to change any time soon. Todd doesn't know I'm feeling this way yet, but I text him today to let him know we need to talk and we're planning for tomorrow, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I might try to see him tonight after work.

It's funny because a man from Lacey's past has all of a sudden resurfaced and wants a second chance and the similarities between him and Todd are unbelievable. And the way Lacey is feeling about her situation is exactly how I'm feeling about mine.

We like these two guys. They're both what you might call, “a great catch”. But we're not “crazy” about them. There's something missing and we both know what it is. They're not fun enough. They're not wild enough. They're not outgoing enough. They're both very “put together”. They are country clubs and we are dive bars. They are business men and we are servers. They are a bit “soft” and Lacey and I have balls. And yet, neither I nor Lacey are quite willing to just walk away. Somethings holding us down. We feel as if we need them for some reason.

I think I may have pinpointed what it is. I said that we don't want to let it go, because although it may not be great, it's good. And in L.A. when you find a guy who wants a relationship, you hold on, because that's rare. So, in a sense we'd both kind of be settling...but still happy, just not overjoyed.

I wanna be overjoyed. I want every inch of my body to crave that other human being. I want to desire that person in my life.

I'm exhausted. Nap time. More stories tomorrow.

In My Head...

2009-07-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

July 15, 2009.

I guess “drunk blogging” is the next best thing to drunk dialing. I did send Todd a silly drunken message saying I wanted him to come over, but I knew it would be in vain since, he's an old man and always in bed by 10:30pm.

He invited me to go see 'Harry Potter' with him and his roommates tonight, but alas, I was working until 10pm. We sort of made plans to see each other Friday night when I get off work. This secretly upset me, because, quite frankly, I don't want to wait till Friday to cuddle again! We were on this awesome roll of sleepovers and I was enjoying it and now I just feel like a brat. It's not good enough for me! Waaaaah.

Ha, but I was talking with Nikki tonight after work and one of her ex's is coming into town and she's hoping to rekindle some sort of relationship with him. She's so excited. I've never seen her this excited over a boy and it's great. She just kept saying, “He's so much fun! I can't wait for you guys to meet him!”

Now, Todd's great. He can be a lot of fun. But, I do sometimes wish I had a guy in my life that was a better match for my ladies. Is that ridiculous? I want someone that makes my girls laugh and that my girls always want to invite out with us. Todd's great, but he's a bit subdued.

On another totally random side note, so last night my drunken dreams were ridiculous! I dreamt about Laurie (I had been texting him throughout the evening) and I dreamt that we were laying in the same room together and sort of holding hands with one another and there was this crazy chemistry between us. All I kept thinking though was, “I won't do anything stupid. I really like Todd!” Then Laurie came closer and we were cuddling/fooling around, not kissing though, more just like touching one another and then Jess came barreling into the room and saw us and ran away. In my dream (maybe in real life, too) Jess was in love with Laurie and was so upset at me for betraying her like this. I immediately jumped up and chased after her, she's way more important than a stupid guy. But after that dream, man, Laurie's been on the brain.

Oh subconscious...what are you telling me???

Ha, alright, well, I'm off to get some reading/studying done so that when I wake up in the morning I feel a bit more like an actress...

Goodnight!

drunk

2009-07-15T02:24:00.000-07:00

july 15, 2009.

2:25 am.

Drunk.

Wishing Todd were here right now. Drunk and wanna make out. Yeahya! But, jess is passed out in my bed and I'm eating some za with Nikkie and lil bro right now, so no chance of that sh*t. K, i'm gonna go before i say antyighng else stuoopido.

NNightieoooooooooooooooo.

Sight for Sore Eyes.

2009-07-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

July 14, 2009.

I opened my front door last night at about 11:30pm and discovered a rather adorably drunken Todd with bed head staring back at me. I invited him in and within 20min. he proceeded to pass out on my bed and not awaken from his snoring slumber until about 10:15 this morning when I had to get up and rush off to class.

It was pretty cute. Wish I had been the one getting drunk with him, but I honestly enjoyed being home alone for a bit. The quiet was pleasant.

I did start to wonder though. Yesterday morning Todd had promised to call when he was done golfing and he wanted to join me at a DVD release party I had been planning on attending. Well, when I still hadn't heard from him around 9pm, I just figured he must be having fun. However, if we were an official couple, would this have upset me more than it did?

For some reason when he text me and told me that they had been drinking since their golf game was over and that he'd be over “soon”, I was not upset in the slightest. I was happy to hear from him and even more happy that he was still coming over, but not one angry thought crossed my mind.

Hmm...I hope it's just because I'm cool like that (haha) and not because I don't really care. Because I do care. At least I think I'm starting to.

Whateva, not much more to say. Had class, rehearsal and more rehearsal today. I should be feeling fulfilled artistically, but something is missing. I'm feeling unmotivated and empty these days. I gotta figure this dilemma out! On to more rehearsals tomorrow...oy.

Updates soonish.

Some Re-blog-nition if you will...

2009-07-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

I went to one of my favorite blogs: Adventures in Normality and discovered that she has bestowed upon me a very sweet award...

Here are the rules:
This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

I would like to pass the love on to these lovely blogs:

Symphonic Discord
Based on a True Story
The Way I See It
Chicklit Sanctuary
In a city of 647,000 zombies
Sarahahaha!!!

Slowing Down...

2009-07-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

July 12, 2009.

Todd's a great listener. I invited him over last night to join me for a drink and a movie at my place when the UFC fight was finished. I couldn't get the sound on my computer to work (per usual), which is what I watch movies on (no t.v. for me!) and I was getting frustrated, but Todd just grabbed me and cuddled with me on the couch and said, “Forget the movie...”

Then he proceeded to listen to me ramble on about work, palm springs, Nikki, life in general. I realized I was talking...A LOT, and he was just listening intently, taking it all in.

Guys, it's true. Women like men who listen. It's just comforting to know someone cares about what you have to say however menial the topic.

We decided to go lay down in bed and I told him to tell me more stories about his life. I lay next to him as he held me close, it was my turn to listen.

Ok, I think Irene is falling. Maybe just a bit.

The strange thing about L.A. is that even though everyone is so “beach bum” chill, they're always in a rush to find the “next best thing”. This is true in their dating habits as well. Hence, no relationship for me the past year and 9 mo's I've lived out here.

This has infiltrated my mind as well, and I've forgotten that sometimes, you fall for someone gradually. The more you hang out with them, the more you learn, and the more you like. I'm gradually falling for Todd. Just because it wasn't passionate right away, doesn't mean that won't get more and more passionate down the road.

But, I have to admit it is tough, because this L.A. mindset is hard to get rid of. I met Nikki down in Manhattan Beach after my audition today. She was hanging out with her “next best thing”, and Surfer. We all hung at the beach for a bit, then headed to Sharkeez for a bite to eat where I met her “next best thing”'s roommate. Cute. Sweet. Funny. Oh my.

I mean of course I'm not smitten, but my mind started turning and I had silly 'girl meets boy' thoughts. Then I had to stop myself. What about Todd???

Of course nothing happened, not even a number exchange, but if this is happening before Todd and I are even official, I'm kind of scared to become official and take the chance that I'll f*up. I wanna be so head over heels for someone that I'm committed to that I don't even realize other males exist. Is this possible?

Nikki said that before I got there she told Surfer that I had a boyfriend so that he would get the hint that nothing is going to happen. She told me that she was explaining to the two of them that “Irene's trying to be good and date just this one boy.” And they looked at her and said, “Well, isn't that what 'dating' means?” Whoops...not in our bubble.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly shake this L.A. mindset because even today, I've been thinking about Madrid and how we should set up a time to go surfing again (no, Irene...that would be bad) and CRAgent contacted me today out of the blue. Haven't heard from him in weeks, but he was recovering at home from his weekend in Vegas and asked if I wanted to come hang. I kind of wanted to (no, Irene...that would be bad).

Argh, being single is almost easier than being in a relationship I think. Less rules and regulations. Less chances to f*up.

Todd and I are not labeled yet, but I kind of want to act like we are, just so that I don't screw up a potential future with him. I'm happy right now. Let's not mess with that.

Redemption.

2009-07-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2009.
3:40pm. Ok, almost thirteen hours since my last post and I take it back. I don't hate Saturdays...they're just always one of my more busy days, so I was feeling grumpy about not getting to sleep in and not getting to sleep next to Todd.

He redeemed himself today. He text and said he laid down to take a nap last night and didn't wake up till this morning. He said he was really upset at himself for falling asleep and tonight I should consider him my “stalker” because he just wants to go wherever I'm going.

Will commented on my last post: “whoa...are you falling for Todd???? :)”

Am I falling for Todd...hmmm?. Well, perhaps. I think I'm falling for the stability that he brings to me. Knowing that he genuinely cares for me and likes spending time with me and doesn't need the sex factor is really fabulous. I'm feeling more and more able to be myself around him (I was having concerns about this) and I'm enjoying his company more because it's him, Todd, and not because it's just a guy.

Falling for him...I don't want to jump on that train just yet, but perhaps if things continue to go as nicely as they have been. I think we're both equally terrified to jump into a full fledged relationship just yet, but I could see maybe in another month or so.

I do find myself still looking, when guys pass by or come into work, I definitely check them out. But, I'm quicker to push any thoughts of them out of my mind and focus on Todd, and it often makes me smile. I think that's a good sign.

I guess I really like the balance that Todd and I have right now. We're into eachother but there are no rules or limitations that we impose. He likes that I'm uber social and go out with my girlfriends all the time and never asks me to change plans for him. I like that he goes golfing with his boys on the weekend and would never ask him to change those plans. I'm just terrified that this may change...I'll try my best to keep it how it is, because for some strange reason, it's just working.

So, I'm gonna step back and just let it work, I suppose.

And in case any of you were wondering, I have not had sex this month and I'm trying my hardest despite sleepovers with Todd to keep it that way. I want to make sure I've got a good clean slate for awhile. Let's just hope Todd doesn't explode (no pun intended). I think he genuinely cares enough to not try anything until I'm 100% ready. And trust me, it's just as hard for me to say no, but I always try to think about how I'll feel the next day if I keep the promise I made to myself to abstain.

Oh poor Todd...he had no idea what kind of mess he was getting into...

Set Up For Disappointment...

2009-07-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2009.

3:08am. Still up, I'm trying to play “catch-up” on my email situation since I was in Palm Springs this past wednesday and thursday night. My email is insane and I can't go about two hours without checking it, or else it's an impossibility to sort through the mess. Ugh, it's a full time job.

Anywho. Palm Springs. Wow. What an experience. I'm proud of myself though. I did not get sunburned. I did not give my number to anyone even when asked. I did not kiss a single strange boy. I did not get extremely drunk. I had a blast.

It was crazy as usual. Not quite what we were all hoping I think, but nonetheless whenever we go out, we do it right!

I missed Todd like crazy. I was almost sad to go, because I wanted to sleep next to him again. I text him and told him I was missing him and he was “happy to hear this from” me.

So, today I text him all day long, tried to get him to come out with me, Lacey and Nikki tonight. We went out to check out a D.J. that Lacey's been on a couple of dates with and she didn't want to go alone. Todd didn't want to venture into Hollywood with us, so I told him we could meet up later and “end the night in the oaks.” He said he'd call.

He hasn't called. Or text. I'm kind of really upset. I text him around 1:30, when we were leaving the bar and heading back, “Where you at?” No response. I mean, sure, he has a crazy weeks and I know he gets exhausted, but then text me when you're getting sleepy and let me know that you won't be staying up much longer, or text me and try to get me to come over earlier or I don't know, just don't go all MIA and then expect me to understand tomorrow when you text or call and apologize for “passing out.” Ugh. I was really psyched to see him.

It just sucks because I realized the other day, I'm beginning to genuinely have feelings for him and I don't ever let this happen and now I feel as though, I'm letting it happen and I'm just gonna be disappointed in the long run.

Blah. I gotta get some sleep, I didn't mean to be up this late still...I'm looking at a solid 6hrs right now. Yuck. I hate Saturdays.

Eek...what do you think?

2009-07-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

Just sent it away into cyberspace:

Dearest Vienna,
I wanted to write to you because I feel as though I haven't been completely open with you. I had such a great time with you in San Diego. It was strange because it did feel as if we had known eachother from before. That is why I was so glad to get the chance to see you again in L.A. Once again, I enjoyed that day very much. You are so genuinely sweet, it's rare to meet someone like you. I am feeling though as if it would not be wise for us to keep talking.
You and I live so very far apart and I've done relationships like that before and I can't stand to do it again. It wears me thin and makes me sad a frustrated. Also, there is someone from my past here that I have been casually seeing again and I'm interested to see how things work this time around. Maybe it will be better, maybe worse, but I can only discover that if I give him my full, undivided attention.

I'm sorry that I've been distant this past week. I've been trying to sort things out in my life and make things a bit less complicated. You are wonderful and I'm sure you will meet someone who deserves your sweet words. At this point in time, I am very undeserving and feel bad if we continue to communicate the way we have. Feel free to email me whenever you feel, or not if you don't want to.

I hope you have a great rest of the week and thank you for coming into my life...

hugs,
Irene

One Man Woman...?

2009-07-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

July 8, 2009.

I'm at my wits end. I think I've had all that I can handle.

Spent the night with Todd last night. I didn't work so right after my rehearsal I headed over to his place and he took me out to dinner. We discussed relationships. It seems to me that as much as he doesn't want a relationship, he wants to be with me just as much. I think I'm feeling the same way. Relationships scare the crap out of me and yet, I think I could make it work with him. I didn't say this to him, nor did he say that to me, it's all inferred.

But something was just so different about last night. We went back to his place, put in a movie and just started making out. He knew I wasn't gonna have sex, so it was just this really passionate, intense making out. I loved it. I want Todd and only Todd. That's what I felt last night and this morning, waking up next to him.

No more strange guys from bars, no more foreigners and one night stands. Just nights with Todd.

I heard from Vienna this morning. Makes me feel so guilty. I haven't talked to him for about a week and he says he “misses me”. I'm about to write him an email explaining that we shouldn't keep in touch. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible, but also try not to hurt him too much. This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.

On my way home from class this afternoon, Pedi text me. It's been awhile for him, too, but he's now saying he wants to come visit this upcoming Monday and stay in L.A. for a little while!!! Nooo! I don't want this. Now I have to break his heart also and tell him that the truth is I'm a two-timing slut and he needs to find someone more deserving of his attention. Although, I'll probably lie and say I'm gonna be out of town.

I'm feeling very unhappy and uncomfortable right now and I think once these two issues are resolved I will begin to feel a bit more calm. I need to lessen my life, not add more baggage. That was the whole purpose of this year and I haven't felt that I needed it until just this moment.

No more. I'm going out tonight and tomorrow with my girls. It's Lacey's birthday tomorrow and we're stealing her away for two nights in Palm Springs. I'm excited but at the same time, I almost don't want to go. I don't want to get drunk with strangers and make out and give my number to men. I don't want to.

So, I won't. I will come back with lots of great stories, but hopefully the best ones don't involve me...

Arghhhhh! Off to write an email..

Fading funk...

2009-07-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

July 6, 2009.

Man, still coughing, but my mind feels clearer. I think my funk is slowly fading.

Yesterday I was feeling quite a bit better when I woke up. Still spent most the day being lazy, drinking orange juice to ensure my complete recovery before the concert Lacey and I were attending that evening.

We headed off to the Hollywood Bowl at 5:30 to see Tegan & Sara and Deathcab for Cutie. The main topic of our discussion was: Boys. Men, if you will.

We were talking about how it's hard to have a girls night when we all go out because 1)Nikki is prime boy bait and they can't help but flock and 2)Nikki is so boy crazy even if we wanted just a girls night, I don't think she could handle it!

Lacey and I are not unattractive. We've both got great eyes, great smiles, great style, we're fun, we're positive, we're happy, we're smart, we're sassy. So, why is it that when a man walks into a bar we are the last thing he notices?

We're tired of it. We want to meet guys that genuinely care about the girl inside (I know that sounds like such a “fat kid” thing to say), but for reals, we both are pretty confident within ourselves, but time after time, when we're stuck talking to the “wingman” or the “less fortunate looking” ones, we can't help but wonder.

That leads us to our next problem, we're so tired of “looking”!! And I don't mean that as in, we're tired of trying, because even when we're not “trying” our bodies and minds are instinctively “looking”. For example: Last night at the concert we went with the intent to have a good time, just us girls and great live music. We succeeded in this, but there is no doubt in my mind that Lacey was thinking the same things that I was every time a cute boy walked by. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't want to look, your brain refuses to give up.

Oy, well anywho, that was just my random rant.

Last night Todd slept over. I warned him that I still couldn't kiss him, because I still have something and I don't want him getting it. As if sleeping next to me and not kissing me will really deter anything from getting to him...eek.

Well, I loved sleeping next to him last night. It was so comforting. I kept waking up and I'd realize he was there, I had forgotten and I'd reach over and rub his sunburned back gently or I'd wrap my arms around his waist or toss a leg over his. It was so nice. I needed it. Comfort.

I know I sound hypocritical since the last post I'm talking all about “clean slate” and such, Todd being one of the things I would have to erase, however, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not done figuring out what it is exactly that I want from this. I genuinely do like him. I enjoy his company. I just have to figure out what it is that's holding me back...

Clean Slate.

2009-07-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

July 4, 2009.

Worst 4th of July ever.

I spent the entire day at home, sick, drugged up, and cleaned my room, did some laundry. So it wasn't totally a wasted day, but it was pretty horrible.

I worked last night and after work, I had decided to turn down Todd's offer to buy me a red-eye flight to Arizona because even though I knew my fourth was looking pretty pathetic, I just couldn't imagine myself flying while still sick and having any fun without my girls. Ugh. I think I genuinely pissed Todd off. Didn't hear from him until this morning. He said that I am “impossible.” Which I guess is entirely true.

I had called Seattle after work to let him know my plans. I told him that if I was feeling up to it, I would go surfing with him in the morning. He could tell I was still pretty sick and knew I wouldn't be up to it. But he told me he'd keep me posted and maybe we could meet up later in the day.

Then last night at about midnight, I was already passed out and Seattle text me: “Just read your blog. Want to know what I am thinking? This will sound weird, but a no sex sleepover.”

I didn't get the message until this morning. Oh well.

I was pretty miserable all day and I just kept holding myself back from calling Seattle and telling him that the only thing I wanted was to spend time with him. I hated knowing that he's here in town and not with me.

I text him around 3pm to let him know I couldn't handle being in the house by myself anymore and was wondering what him and his bro were doing for dinner. Maybe we could meet up. Didn't hear from him for awhile at which point he still didn't know their plans.

So, I waited till about 9pm to find out their plans. My girls had called to tell me they were headed to Santa Monica. I desperately wish I had gone with them, but I'm still sick and would probably feel even worse in the morning if I had gone. However, I was hoping Seattle would be willing to hang out, even though I was pretty miserable. I just wanted to rest my head on his lap and watch t.v. all night long.

He called me and we discussed this briefly, then he said he'd call me back with the plan. He called back and said point blank, he's not coming over.

That's it.

Now begins my clean slate. Nikki kept saying the other night that all we need is a “clean slate”. Leave all the Seattle, Todd and every other boy bullshit behind. Let's start with a clean slate. I think she's absolutely right. I just wish I could abide by that completely.

To be completely honest, I see no point in contacting Seattle again in the future. He knows this. I didn't have to say it, he could sense it.

He just kept trying to explain himself on the phone, “I just don't see a point in coming over there since it's not going to change anything and it's just going to be harder in the morning.” Fine. I get it. You are 100% correct. Then I don't see a point in staying in touch if it's not going to change anything. Done.

Clean Slate.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July.

Breakfast with Seattle...

2009-07-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

July 3, 2009.

Just got my hair did. Figured I needed it to make me feel a bit better after having breakfast (at noon) with Seattle.

I picked him up and we exchanged an awkward hug, then headed to a diner down the street for some food. For some reason I could barely look at him. I was in my “defense mode” the entire time. Not allowing myself to enjoy too much and remaining at one level the entire time...this is just how I work and I hate it. I felt like I was at a business meeting.

The meeting consisted of discussions about the boys in this blog. I don't know why Seattle seems so comfortable talking about all this, maybe it helps him move on. Who knows, but it's kind of weird for me to sit and casually chat about with him.

I kept having to fight the urge to hold hands with him or put my arm around his back, you know, couple stuff. It just felt so strange.

But then again, when I went to drop him off I felt like he lives here and we just never see eachother. It didn't feel like, “I may never see you again.” Which also felt strange.

He lingered in the car, not wanting to get out and said he wished we could hang out more. As do I, I just don't know how to “hang out” with him. I got out of the car to give him a hug goodbye and it felt...like heartbreak. It was hard to let go, and I could tell we both felt it.

Bah! I'm even starting to cry just writing this right now.

He text me after saying, “Thanks for driving out here; it was good to see you, even though it was kind of hard. Hope you have a good night at work.”

My response: “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem 'cold as ice'. It was really nice to se you and I just kept wanting to reach out and hold your hand or hug you and I was just trying so hard not to.”

But what I really wanted to say was, “What the hell are you really feeling?!?!?!?! Don't “thank” me for coming out there! This wasn't a business meeting, drop the formal bullshit and tell me what's really going on in your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He wrote back, “I know what you mean about wanting to reach out, but I wasn't serious about the cold as ice thing so no worries. I think we were probably feeling similar things.”

So, I prodded: “And what might those things be...?”

Seattle: “Well, I was feeling happy to see you, wanting to touch you, sad about what happened between us, and conflicted about all of it.”

I guess that's as good as it gets.

I'm not really sure what it is exactly I'm feeling. Frustration...maybe. Sad...a little. Sick still. Overwhelmed...perhaps.

And now, I have a headache and have to go to work in an hour and ½ and still no word from Todd.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I need a vacation all by myself!

Short and not so sweet...

2009-07-03T01:42:00.001-07:00

July 2, 2009.

Went out with Surfer and friends tonight down in Manhattan Beach (my future home). So not into him.

Seeing Seattle in the morning for breakfast. Possibly meeting up with Todd in Arizona friday night after work or saturday morning.

Oh lordy...we shall see.

Eh....

2009-07-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2009.

Ok, on to a new month. New beginnings? Doubtful. But new hope, I suppose.

Just got off the phone with Seattle. I cried. But not for the usual reason that I cry when I talk to him. I'm upset because my choices for the fourth of July right now are as follows:

1)spend the day alone since my girls are all working
2)spend the day with Seattle and his bro
3)spend part of the day driving 5hrs by myself to Scottsdale, AZ and meet up with Todd and his friends.

None of these are appealing to me because:

1)The fourth is my favorite holiday because it's spent with family and friends...not alone
2)If I spend time with Seattle I might end up crying anyhow...I think it'll be tough to see him and “just be friends”
3)I don't want to take a road trip that far alone and then spend the day with Todd's friends, who are great, but they're not my friends...

So, I don't know what to do right now. I'm pretty unhappy. I know I'll figure it out and probably have “the best fourth ever!” I'm just super bummed right now that it's not gonna be spent with my girls. Then through the conversation with Seattle, I realized just how much my girls really are my only friends out here...I've sort of lost all my others. This is not so good.

Ugh. Ok, well, let's see, it's a new month. So, I'm gonna set some new goals for myself. The first may be silly, but I think it'll actually be the easiest to follow:

1)I will not give my number to any guys this month. I don't like giving out my number usually anyway, because most often the guy asking is not one that I'm interested in, so I think if I just say it's a RULE for myself, then I'll be able to say no and walk away.

I would say my second goal is to not have sex, but that's a given and I'm pretty sure I'll somehow fail at this one, not that I'm planning on it, Vienna's in, well, Vienna; Todd's been super good at, well, being good; and I found out that I can actually say “no” to Madrid. So all in all, I think I have a good chance at success this month. We shall see!

That's the only goal I have so far, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other great ones.

Btw, as far as my goals for this week (no alcohol, no sleepovers) I'm doin' just fine!

Updates soon!

PS. Chatted with Vienna on Skype this morning...he's super sweet. I could have some gorgeous Austrian babies that would look like they were straight out of 'The Sound Of Music' if I ever desired to have children...not gonna happen.

Karma

2009-06-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

June 30, 2009.

I'm at home in bed with a very sore throat right now...barely able to talk. I think it's karma.

I was supposed to be up and surfing with Madrid this morning. He called me yesterday and wanted to go on a “surf date” with me today. Very cute. So, I agreed. I slept through my alarm this morning and through a call from Vienna and from Madrid. Man oh man...karma.

Was supposed to work tonight too, but Lacey's going to cover for me since answering the phone usually takes a voice.

Ok, so I've been setting weekly goals for myself as a way to accomplish the things I need to accomplish in my life. I think two of my goals for this week are: 1)no drinking (the 4th is exempt, however) and 2)no sleepovers.

I think I can abide by these for a week. Then we'll see if it clears up my sickness and my crazy thoughts.

I sent an email to Seattle last night. I've been feeling a little off lately and realized what having him read my blog might entail. I was worried that he was thinking about “what if's”. What if we had stayed together? Would Irene have been cheating on me?

And I just wanted to clarify for him that I absolutely would not have cheated on him. I was falling hard for Seattle and when I fall for someone it makes me want to be the best possible person I can be. That's why sometimes I feel like I “need” a relationship. Because it keeps me focused and keeps me from making stupid mistakes. I'm always such a good person when I'm dating someone I really care for. And of course, good is “in the eye of the beholder”. Not that I think I'm a bad person for doing the things I do, but sometimes I do feel like I've strayed off the path of who I want to be in the long run.

Anywho, just rambling. I'll end this here, since I've made you all endure through my last two ridiculously long blogs.

No judgment please...

2009-06-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.

I am Supergirl...

2009-06-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

June 26, 2009.

“What happens in San Diego, stays in San Diego!” This is what we cheers to in our hotel room yesterday before heading out to the Gaslamp District for some heavy partying.

Well, I won't disclose my girls stories, but I'll fill you all in on mine!

We spent the day on the beach, almost got a tattoo, learned of M.J's passing (thought the guy who told us was joking), then headed back to our hotel to get dolled up and go out and paint San Diego red!

We drank a whole bottle of vodka while getting ready. When the cab driver dropped us off, we climbed out, lookin' hot and full of confidence. As we passed restaurant after restaurant, heads were turning, but with looks of disgust. We're definitely not in L.A. anymore, Toto. People hated us! This was hilarious to us and it just made us all act up more. We went crazy.

We finally landed at a Mexican restaurant that seemed to fit our style. Actually, the group of Navy guys that were sitting outside shouting at us as we passed is what really drew us in. We grabbed a round of drinks, ordered some food and invited the Navy boys to join us at the table. And join us, they did.

They decided to head out to another bar and we soon headed out as well. The night was full of promises. We walked by a bar with a mechanical bull in the window...naturally we had to go in. Jess, Lacey and my friend A.E. (from back home who was visiting Diego this week also) all took turns riding the bull. I videotaped. We met a real like cowboy named Tex who let us try on his cowboy hat and grab his ass in admiration.

Then we quickly were on to the next bar like children with A.D.H.D. I wish I could tell you names of bars we went to, but I have no idea. I just know that we went to at least four different bars last night.

So, while at the second to last bar of the evening, Lacey and I were outside in the patio area and all night we had been shouting at pedicab drivers that they were, “Too cute to be a driver!” Who knows what that even meant, but it was fun and they seemed to like it. So, while outside on this patio, there were three pedicab drivers in front of us. I just pointed at them and started shouting, “Too cute!” They soon walked over to us and started chatting. We learned that all three of them were from Turkey. One of them claimed it was his first day, another said it was his second and the third said he'd been working for 5. They had thick accents and didn't speak English very well, but we tried to have a conversation. They were pretty cute.

Lacey and I returned to inside the bar and were dancing with Nikki when I had the brilliant idea to go outside and kiss the cab drivers. Lacey had stated earlier that she wanted to make out with people that night. So, I said, “Let's just go out there and start making out with them!” So we ran outside, approached our two favorites and Lacey laid one on her guy. I sort of chickened out, but proceeded to chat more with mine. I don't even know what we were talking about. But I did give him my number.

Then we were off to our final bar of the evening. A.E. had decided he needed to head home, so I waited for his ride outside of the bar with him. After they showed up and we said our goodbyes, I walked back to the bar, which conveniently passed by the pedicab drivers on the way. So, as I walked by, I grabbed the one I had exchanged numbers with and kissed him. He was a great kisser. Very passionate. I was in love.

He told me had been nervous because I was with that guy (A.E.) and I told him he didn't have to worry, that A.E. was family.

Then I went into the bar and met up with my girls again. Had a shot that some guy handed me, Nikki and Lacey. Danced a bit, then wanted to make out with Pedicab some more. I went outside and walked back over to him. We made out for a good like 20 min. He was so adorable. He kept telling me that he was so happy and that he wished I lived in San Diego or that he could live in L.A. and I could be his girlfriend. And he wasn't even the drunk one.

I was having such a good time with him on the side of the street, just kissing and every once in awhile we'd stop and he'd bust some kind of move, then giggle and kiss me again. Seriously, I was smitten. He hadn't given any rides the whole night and I told him, “You're not making any money!” And he'd just smile and say, “I don't need money. I'm not working.”

I said goodbye (for now) to him and headed back into the bar. Not more than 5 minutes after being in the bar again, someone grabbed my hand on the dance floor, kissed it, then pulled me close and started dancing with me. He was a really good dancer. I let my body just go limp as he carried me away to the music.

He was from Austria. Vienna to be exact. He twirled me, dipped me, spun me, pulled me close and soon after kissed me. I felt sick. Not in my stomach, but in my heart. I proceeded to make out with Vienna, all the while trying to glance outside and see if Pedicab was watching. The bars were right next to eachother and we were making out in front of the window. I felt bad, because I really had enjoyed my brief drunken time with Pedi. I thought he was genuinely adorable and sweet and he made me smile. I didn't want to hurt him.

Vienna and I danced and kissed until the night was over. As the crowd filtered onto the street, I kept looking around for Pedi and trying not to be near Vienna so that if Pedi was around, Vienna couldn't kiss me in front of him.

Then, I spotted Pedi, across the street, watching. Vienna swooped in and kissed me. Damn! Damn! I recoiled and jumped into a cab that had just pulled up. I started to tear up a bit. I was very sad. Sad that I hurt Pedi. My phone beeped and I checked it. It was a text from Pedi. Here is the conversation that followed:

Before we left the bar, Pedi had sent this and I hadn't noticed: “Hi, you don't answer phone but before you gone I wanna hug you.”

I noticed this when I got into the cab and was saddened by his sweetness.

Ok, so here's what happened next:

Pedi: You are not supergirl erase my number...

(he had put me in his phone as Irene Supergirl)

Me: I want to be your supergirl...I won't erase your number.

Pedi: Go to the bar and be supergirl of same boy I don't know I am upset eraseeeeeee. By Irene.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm really sad right now...you were on my mind all night. I understand though if you are angry. I would be too. Good luck. I hope you find happiness...

Pedi: If you thought me alnight why I saw u kisses with another boy? I only wonder that

Me: I won't make excuses. I kissed another boy and I felt terrible. It doesn't make any sense but i'm terribly sad now. I don't know you at all, but I know I couldn't stop smiling when I was with you and I'm sad now. So i'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Pedi: Now I am at home and thinking you oww I don't know what I do. But I said when I saw you kissing with boy I couldn't believe my eyes anyway smile everytime...

So, there you have the beginning and end of my relationship with the cute Turkish Pedicab driver. I'm amazed at how sad I got. I like, genuinely like him! I mean, yeah, maybe it was the alcohol, but I don't normally get that attached to drunken kisses.

So, onto the next chapter of the evening. Vienna's friend was quite smitten with Lacey as well, so she had told them where our hotel was and that they could come party if they wanted. Neither of us expected them to actually show up. I was sitting outside moping about my lost Pedi love when a cab pulled up and out walked Vienna and his friend. Vienna found me on the stairs and hugged me and kissed me and asked what was going on in my head.

I wanted to tell him that I'm a horrible person and that I broke some stranger's heart and that I just felt like shit. But I didn't.

We walked up to my room where everyone else had gone and I dropped off my purse, then we went to sit outside and chat. I learned that he just turned 30 in May. He's a Gemini. Go figure. His english was little rough also, but it was kind of charming because I would say things he didn't understand and he would repeat it and then say, “What is the meaning of this?”

He was so in tune with my body language though, he knew I was upset about something and kept asking. He told me to “Get out of my head, stop thinking so much.”

We just sat outside, kissing and holding one another for the next 2 ½ hours. He was very comforting. Just a very calm presence. He told me that I should visit Austria sometime. He said it was unfortunate that we live so far apart. I told him that I wanted to sleep next to him all night. He said we should get a hotel room so that we could.

I was exhausted and I think at one moment I fell asleep in his arms. It was just so comfortable and at one moment we were looking in each others eyes and I had the thought I knew him. As if we'd met before.

Then he said to me, “This feels familiar. As if we've known eachother for years.” He was reading my mind. Finally, I was just way too tired to stay out there anymore. We exchanged numbers and talked about the possibility of seeing one another on sunday. His flight back to Austria is out of LAX, so he was thinking he would be back in L.A. and we could meet up. Hmmm...

We kissed goodnight and I passed out with four hours left to sleep.

At least we were all laughing about our hijinks from the previous night this morning. We stopped to get breakfast before hitting the road back home and Vienna text me. He proceeded to text me again and again trying to convince me to stay an extra day. I wish I could, but reality calls.

So, I told him to meet me in L.A. on sunday. Then, he text with the idea of coming sooner, as in, tonight or tomorrow. Wow. I would like to see him again, but he's from Austria and not planning on moving here anytime soon, so honestly what's the point? He sent me this text midway through the day:

“Honestly, I thought a little about last eve and I really enjoyed spending the time with you, I think it was one of the most relaxing parts so far. Stupid being so far away from each other but we should definitely discuss about it on sunday hmmm.”

Well, I managed to have two foreigners fall in love with me in one day. Maybe I am supergirl...

"Take it or Leave it Bitches!"

2009-06-25T02:37:00.000-07:00

June 25, 2009

2:32 am

Me, Lacey, Jess and Nikki are in San Diego Bitch!!!!!

Impromptu trip with the ladies down to sunny beaches and happenin' nightlife. No guys, no drama, just drinks and good times! How I adore these ladies!

Jess is already passed out drunk. The girls proceeded to finish off two bottles of wine and a bottle of Chimay while I drove us down to S.D. It was hilarious...

Tomorrow our plan is to spend the entire day at the beach and just drink, drink, drink.

One funny thing though...I kinda miss Todd. Hmm. I don't work Friday so I think I'll get to see him then. His sister's in town. I'll actually get to meet a member of his family. Kind of excited about it! Alright, well, it's late, we're all pretty silly and we got a long day of lounging ahead of us tomorrow, so I'm off for now! Stories to follow!

On my mind...

2009-06-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

June 23, 2009.

It's beautiful outside!!! What am I doing in still? Just wanted to blog quickly and shortly because I may not get to later today.

Things on my mind:

Todd
Seattle
The infamous ex
HSsweetheart

The boys that have made me who I am today. I keep feeling as if I want to get back in contact with the 'ex'. I don't know why lately, I just feel like reaching out and being friends again. I guess there's something there that I'm missing. Sometimes I think about our relationship and it's hard to believe it ever really happened...kind of like a really fucked up fairy tale. Still not sure if I want to open that can of worms yet. Not quite ready.

All day yesterday I kept wanting to text Seattle, “I miss you.” I do.

Then last night I dreamt about Todd. My dream was that he stopped in at my apt and brought like a whole football team with him. They were all expecting to spend the night and eat my food. I had no idea this was happening and was a bit pissed that Todd didn't inform me so that I could be better prepared. Despite the surprise I tried my best to accommodate everyone and make a delicious meal, but my efforts were null and void. I think I did cuddle with Todd in my dream though. Weird.

Saw a boy yesterday that reminded me of HSsweetheart. Made me miss him. That's another fairy tale I wouldn't mind revisiting someday.

Alright. Enough of the indoors! I'm ready to soak up some sun!

Seattle's crush...

2009-06-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

June 22, 2009.

No movie with Todd last night. He didn't call me. I'm assuming he passed out when he got home, he was rather exhausted. Instead, I had a nice chat with Seattle.

I had shot him a text teasing him about reading my blog, so he called me. It was nice. It's funny because he asks “what's new?” but sort of already knows the answer because he does read my blog. However, my blog is only one very small fraction of my life: the part dealing with boys. I don't write about the other more important aspects that often.

The nice thing about Seattle though, is that he's genuinely interested in my life. I tell the most mundane stories and he finds them amusing. It makes me feel good. He seems to be extremely busy these days as well, but happy. That also makes me feel good. I don't know how he does it though. If Seattle had a blog about all the girls in his life, I would not be able to read it. I just kept thinking while on the phone, “Please don't talk about other girls...I don't want to know.” But, I suppose it's easier for him, because he's the one that needed out of the relationship where as I was still wanting to be with him.

Well, the conversation was nice, but at one point Seattle started having regrets, “Should I not have called?”

I don't know why he got nervous all of a sudden, because up until that point we'd been having a pleasant talk, with laughter and all that goes along with pleasantries. But I reassured him it was fine that he called. Then he told me he felt nervous and anxious talking to me.

I think it's cute. It means he still likes me (at least I hope that's what it means). He tried to explain that when he met me he felt the same anxiety, because I was “a very attractive woman” and he didn't think I wanted to be talking with him.

It's kind of funny, because when I first met Seattle, I felt that he was out of my league. So, I didn't try to hard to impress him, because, like I say, I don't chase. He was just so not typical of the types of guys I ever go for. But somehow, that's what made it work so well.

Well, I hope he still likes me. I want him to. It makes me feel good.

Slumber Party #2

2009-06-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

Slumber Party #1

2009-06-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

June 20, 2009.

Alright. I got off work earlier than expected last night so I shot a text to Todd, “Take out and a movie in?” Then I headed home to change quickly, grab everything I needed for today (I knew I was gonna spend the night) and headed down to Santa Monica.

Todd greeted me outside with Pug. The three of us walked to a sushi place around the corner and got take out. Then we returned to his apartment and ate delicious food and watched “Don't Mess With the Zohan”. It was nice. Afterwards we were both exhausted so we went straight to bed.

Todd was a complete gentleman and didn't even attempt to fool around. But he cuddled me close.

I could not sleep. I don't know why, I was just sort of in this state of half awareness all night long. I had to get up early, perhaps my mind was nervous about that, but I was kind of miserable. I think it may be Todd's place. I just don't feel completely comfortable there...ever. He was cute and didn't want me to get up this morning, told me that “this is why [he] loves weekends...” and that he can't wait for a morning we can both sleep in and grab breakfast together the next day.

Which, that might be tomorrow morning. I think I'm spending the night with him again tonight, either my place or his and then tomorrow we have plans to go with a big group to Hermosa and attempt to surf and spend the whole day at the beach. I'm pretty stoked about it!

Last night right when we got into bed his phone started ringing. He got up to check it and didn't answer saying that he had a “stage 5 stalker.” And he said, “I bet you have a few of those yourself.” Nope. I just have guys that fuck me and never call again.

But the funny thing was, I guess I was a little shocked that a girl was calling him. I don't know what it is, but I just can never picture him hitting on girls, giving out his number or being with anyone else. I know it makes no sense at all...I mean he hit on me, gave me his number, etc. But, it just always surprises me when I realize there are other women in his life. Not that I think he's seeing anyone but me right now, because I do believe that he is so busy that his only free time is most often spent with me on the weekends...

She (or at least I believe it was her) called twice more that evening and proceeded to text at least three times. Here is my case in point: I will never be that girl. If he's not answering or returning your calls or texts then he's probably in bed with someone else. I don't chase.

I'm getting to the point...

2009-06-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

June 19, 2009.

Man oh man. I got up yesterday and spent the entire day on set of an infomercial. After the previous nights drinking extravaganza I was pretty exhausted. However, at 6pm when I got off set, I called Nikki and Jess, we all met up for dinner and then planned on going out again. Despite Jess' remaining hangover and my pure exhaustion.

It was just gonna be the three of us until...CRAgent text to see what I was up to. Then said he'd try to meet us out if he got all his laundry done. Then Todd text saying he really wanted to see me and misses me. Then I had to make the decision of which one to actually invite out, because obviously they both can't be there. Then Laurie text me and invited us to go to the Roosevelt for Jazz Night. Awesome. So we told him, “We're on our way!”

Then the thought...well, what if Madrid is there. So, Todd and I already have plans for this weekend, so he told me to go ahead and party like a rockstar, he'll see me Friday or Sat. Ok...then CRAgent finally decided that his laundry was too big of a task and told me to call him if I got bored later. Meaning, if I need a booty call, he's around. No thanks.

So the universe made up my decision for me. Madrid was who I was meant to spend my evening with. We got to Jazz night and Madrid was the first person we say. I hugged him noncommittally and asked, “Where's Laurie?” I knew this would get under his skin.

Then I proceeded to keep my back to him while ordering drinks at the bar and he finally took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He was frustrated. Then as we chatted a bit at the bar he traded places with me because he “couldn't see my face” the shadow was too much.

Then he disappeared for a bit. Jess, Nikki, Laurie and I danced shortly, then us girls perched ourselves near the back of the club to chat.

Eventually, Madrid found his way back to us and moved us into a larger area where all of us could sit together. I secretly made note of where Madrid decided to sit. There was a large leather couch, Jess was the first to claim a seat on it. Then I sat on the other end of it, purposely not leaving quite enough room for one more next to me. But...Madrid pushed his way onto the couch next to me.

What is the deal? I just wanted to scream at him the whole time, “Why are you such an asshole??? And why do I still think you're attractive despite your asshole-ness?”

So, I acted pretty distant the entire night, not sure he noticed. He went into one of his rants and I half listened pretending to care and fully understand what he was saying, while planning my attack. It presented itself nicely.

He told me a Chinese proverb: “The nail that sticks out is the first to get hammered.” So, he was sticking out and I was ready to hammer away! (That is so not meant in any sexual manner). So, I asked him about the previous night. He admitted to being a little upset that I text Laurie and not him. He played games with Laurie and said, “Well, you go have fun, she invited you, not me...”

Then when he showed up, he was turned off by the “douchebagery” and the techno music (it wasn't techno, it was hip hop dance, btw.) I told him that he could've turned that place into whatever he wanted.

My favorite thing about my girls is that when we go out, we have a plan in our heads: to have a great night. So if we enter a place that isn't quite what we were hoping for “atmosphere” wise, then we turn it into what we wanted. And every night with my girls is fabulous.

I told him this to show him that the world around you is what you make of it. That bar was full of douchebags to him because that's what he wanted to see.

I called him out on being jealous. I told him my honest side of the story. “I don't call guys.” I said this and then went on to explain. “I don't like hanging out with people that don't really want to be with me, there's no point. So if a guy doesn't call me, I assume he doesn't want my company. I don't chase. Especially with the type of guys that you get in LA.”

I went on to explain also that the reason I invited Laurie specifically the other night is because he's a friend and that's it. I knew that he would be fun and have a good time. That's what I wanted. A good time sans drama.

I also threw some other witty things his way that essentially challenged him to prove to me that he's not an asshole. I said to him that I don't see a point in playing games and he said, “Games are fun.”

He failed. We stayed till close, then on our way out we stopped at the bathroom. I told Jess in the bathroom all about our conversation. There were two other girls in there washing their hands. They left the bathroom, I washed my hands and then when we walked out of the restroom, there he was, Madrid, chatting up those two girls.

The bouncers were quickly throwing us out, we found Laurie and he told us he was driving us to our car (since we parked around the block). Madrid was nowhere to be found. I kept expecting him to come running after us, but nothing. So we all just left w/o him and w/o saying goodbye. What the hell.

My phone had died, which was annoying because I was dying to text him something, anything to get his blood boiling. I feel like this is now our “game”: piss eachother off. At least it's my game.

When I got home, I plugged my phone in and text him, “Hope you have fun with those girls tonight...don't get into too much more trouble.”

He responded: “Ok. But...You left me!

I replied: “No, we said we were leaving. You chose to stay.” You asshole.

Why do these types of guys keep coming into my life?? Laurie is such a genuinely nice guy and it just shocks me that he would introduce his asshole friend to me. I gave Madrid more credit before I even knew him because he's friends with Laurie. I shouldn't have done that.

Bizarre events.

My phone just rang it was that surfer from Malibu. He was calling because he's “in my neck of the woods.” Wow, he's been pretty persistent since we met about a week ago! I think I would like to go on a date with him or at least hang out with him again sometime, just to see what he's really like.

Ok, well before I went out last night I was reading comments from you, my lovely readers and one of my followers was brutally and justifiably honest. I appreciated her comment greatly and it was a needed slap in the face:

“the blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.

So why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc...”

First of all, Margarita, thank you for your tough love. I need it every once in a while. Secondly, you are absolutely right. I have strayed, horribly from my original plan.

I did feel strong and independent and confident when this year started that I would be able to complete my task for a whole year. And I failed.

I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself and I do feel that as soon as I let myself fall for Seattle, I just plain fell. Landed harshly on my face and from my past the only way I know to get over a heartbreak is to find replacements, meaningful or not. So, I basically began repeating my last year:

Major heartbreak = 10 partners in one year, none of which I could ever claim to love or even call a sig. other.

Now here's the perfect timing of your tough love. It's June. Exactly halfway through the year. I was good for three of those past months and since April I have faltered terribly. But now, I still have five more full months to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

I do think I have to revise my rules though a bit. I started at the beginning saying I wasn't looking for love, but I had said, I also wouldn't be closed off to it. The no sex policy was in place and that shall remain. I also promised to be as social as possible, because otherwise the year would be way too easy and boring with me sitting around alone at home. That would not have been a challenge. Half the challenge is being around guys, lust and emotions and seeing if I could handle it (obviously, I couldn't).

Ok, so from here on out, I will be abstaining, I promise (my heart is beating a little faster as I promise, because I'm worried I'll fail at this, but I honestly really want to succeed!). I will still be dating men, but will not be depending on them. They're there to enjoy a dinner/movie/the beach with, but that's that.

Now, Todd and I have plans this weekend to have a “slumber party”, which he already knows will not involve sex...but is the slumber party too much? Do you think I need to avoid sleepovers all together in order to regain my power and faith in myself?

I don't know. I feel like it's harmless, but maybe it's not.

So, abstaining, dating Irene. That's more of what I'll be. I will not have to whine or bitch about guys making me feel bad anymore, because I won't let them be in a position to hurt me. They will be like my childhood Nintendo, fun to play with, especially when bored, but there are other things and activities to take their place on a regular basis. And those other things are healthier for me and much more satisfying!

No Man Will Ever Love Me...

2009-06-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009.

“I feel like no man will ever love me...” That's the drunken text I just sent to Seattle at 2:51am. I don't know why I sent it to him. Perhaps because I feel like he's the closest I've gotten to love in the last year and half so he'll have an answer as to “why no man will ever love me?”

I just feel so defeated.

Went out after work with my girls. Was planning on having a fun only no man night. Jess and I decided we wanted to invite Laurie out and of course...guess who shows up with him. Madrid. Great. I was kind of upset. Gave him an awkward hug hello and continued my night, flirting with other guys at the bar.

Then Laurie said his goodbyes and gave hugs as he was leaving and I watched Madrid go out and have a smoke by Laurie's car. That's it! I decided. I ran outside like a fool and kissed him, like a fool and he pulled away, and I kissed him again, like a fool. And then I apologized. Like a fool.

I feel like no man will ever love me. Nikki went home with her band boyfriend. Jess flirted with a hot stranger all the while knowing nothing would happen due to her incredible bf in Hawaii. Lacey went home with a hot newly found friend. I went home.

Jess is spending the night, since she's drunk and neither of us could drive. I told her how I was feeling and she responded in her slurred drunken language, “It's just not for you right now. It's just not for you.”

How true. How poignent. How sad. How lonely. It's just not for me right now. Love: it's not for me at the moment. It hasn't been for me in a year and 8 months...when will it be for me?

I actually considered just calling Tony for some useless, emotionless sex tonight. I felt like it was necessary. But thank God I didn't. The 2 stupidest things I did was text Seattle and kiss Madrid. I guess life could be worse...

Back to Square One

2009-06-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

June 16, 2009.

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight. I'm just missing that ultimate connection with someone. Thank God for my girls, or I don't think I'd have survived this year.

Was supposed to do dinner with Todd this evening, but after waiting until 9:30pm for him to text or call, I gave up. Had a Caesar salad and piece of cornbread at C's, then came home. He text me on my drive home: “Hey, I've got a beer and a taco with your name on it.”

I realized on the way home that I have not been preparing for my class which is tomorrow and really should take some time tonight to work on my scene. So, I replied to his text and told him that I am gonna pass on the taco tonight, because I've got an early morning and need my beauty sleep. He took a while to respond and I can't help but feel like it wasn't said with the nicest of feelings.

Is he possibly pissed at me?

Ugh. I hate men. One of the new girls at work today asked about Madrid. She was out with us the night I met him. I told her that he's just like all the other guys out there in L.A. and a waste of my time. I do somewhat regret the two days I spent with him. I know I shouldn't, because at the time it was great and wonderful, but what did it do for me in the long run?

He uses people. He said that to me. He was using me for a bed to sleep in those two nights so that he didn't have to sleep on a couch at Laurie's place. I'm pathetic.

I got a text from a surfer guy that I met in Malibu on Sunday. He approached me and Nikki as we were getting into my car and him and his friend exchanged numbers with us. He was cute, but my best guess is that he is 36 yrs old. Again, where have all the young guys gone? He lives in Hermosa beach and invited me and Nikki to come chill down there sometime.

The reason I was sort of happy to meet him was because we weren't meeting in a bar. Everyone always wonders, “Where else do you meet people?” Well, apparently, you hang out by a bunch of surfers and one is bound to strike up a conversation with you. So, he's one of the first guys I've exchanged numbers with in L.A. that was not in a bar. How refreshing.

He wants to hang out this Friday night. I'm not opposed to it, but do I really need to enter another man into my life right now? Not really.

The hardest thing about this year is having faith. I worry that if I shun one of these guys that maybe, just maybe he could've been great and we could've really hit it off. But then I allow myself to go too far and just end up being used. How do I trust in fate and let the universe take the steering wheel? I'm too scared to let go of it!

Ugh. I don't feel like I've progressed at all this year. It's a sucky feeling.

Jet Lagged...

2009-06-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

June 15th, 2009.

I feel like I took a trip to Spain and am now incredibly jetlagged...

Got home from class this afternoon at 2pm and crashed. Woke up at 5:30pm, so incredibly confused. Thought I had slept through the night. So I walked to Ralphs to get some dinner then to C's to visit Nikki and Lacey. I proceeded to get drunk at C's by drinking wine, have a convo with Seattle and text Todd.

The convo with Seattle was nice. He told me he's happy that things are working out with Todd. Obviously he hasn't read the past couple blogs about Madrid and ignored the fact that I told Todd I don't want to be his girlfriend or have sex for awhile...

Texting with Todd resulted in dinner plans tomorrow night in Santa Monica and next sunday, surfing in Hermosa beach with him and Nikki, Lacy and Aaron. Sweet. I'm excited!

Not much other boy news than that. I just got home from having a few too many glasses of wine with my ladies. I was kind of expecting to hear from Madrid. He works until 11pm, but it's now 11:41, so I figure if he was going to call it would've already happened.

Oh well. He admits, he “uses people” and I do believe he was only using me for a bed...good thing I didn't put all my hopes into that man.

The night we met, Jess said to me, “Watch out. He's foreign.”

Ha and I said, “Yeah, well, I'm not looking for marriage...”

The End.

Ciao bella...

2009-06-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.

I'll be honest with you...

2009-06-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

June 13, 2009.

Wow. So, I called Todd last night when I was done with work and he was real sweet on the phone and said he wanted to go out. I told him that I had no set plans and to let me know if he ends up in the valley. He said he was considering a couple bars in the valley and he'd like to see me. Then I said, “I'd like that too.” And he responded, “Then the valley it is!”

We met up at Rocco's, I went with Miguel (believe it or not), Lil' bro, and Nikki. Todd showed up with an entourage as well. We hugged hello and it was a little awkward. We spent the next 30 minutes at opposite ends of the table from one another.

But the night progressed and the alcohol loosened us up a bit. Nikki and I tried to get a dance party going and were joined by a couple of guys. Then Todd and his friend, Aaron, who I adore, joined us. The guys that Nikki and I were talking with challenged us to a dance off and I was just having fun and goofing around, when Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled me away from those guys.

I think he was being a good friend to Todd and cockblocking a bit. I wasn't purposely flirting with those other guys or trying to make Todd jealous. In fact, I wasn't really showing any interest other than dancing, I thought.

Then I glanced over and I saw Todd and his other friend chatting up some girls. I got jealous. Uh-oh. What is this feeling?? Ha. But, I let it slide...

Then Aaron drove us all back to my place where Nikki was spending the night and Todd came in with his friends for one last drink. I went into my disaster of a room for a moment and kind of hid my mess in my closet, just on the off chance, Todd wanted to spend the night...

Todd snuck up on me while I was doing my covert clean up operation. He pushed me (gently, seductively) up against my closet doors (which are full length mirrors) and said, “You know, I don't often get jealous. I'm a very “out of sight, out of mind” guy. What you do when I'm not around, I don't care. But, I was kind of getting jealous tonight.”

I apologized and reassured him it was not my intention to make him jealous. He kissed me and we started making out. It was pretty hot, but then lil bro popped his head in and totally ruined the moment. Ha, oh bro!!

We returned to everyone else in the living room and I was cuddling with Todd on the couch and he asked if I wanted him to sleep over. Of course I did! So after everyone left/went to bed, I climbed in bed with Todd. Made out, got nakey, but stuck to my no sex policy.

It felt different being with him last night. It felt more honest and real and passionate. I liked it a lot.

I feel like this new door of honesty has been opened between us and I hope it never closes, because I'm seeing this whole other side of Todd I never knew existed.

*sigh of relief.

What a girl wants...

2009-06-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

June 12, 2009.

Ok, I swear I didn't manufacture this letter...this is the second response I got from Todd after emailing him. The first one he just reassured me that everything was fine and he understands my position, "more than I could know", and I emailed him back, relieved that he felt that way and doesn't hate me. So this is what he wrote me this morning:

"How could I ever hate you? I meant to call last night, but our game went late and we won 17-2, and we were so wrapped up in the victory and literally exhausted, but scored plenty and felt amazing again to play and I must say....I still got it!

Ill call you when I get a sec to breath here at the office. I want to see you tonight to just talk and tell you how I feel and my thoughts on 'us' and your email. I think you'll find my position is similiar towards yours. Just look at this week, I've wanted to see you, but my week is so busy and my work and business are always #1..and I don't know how I could ever have a relationship where it's weekend based only.

This is the thing I do know, I like having you back in my life, the way you are around my friends, and your personality, it's exciting, my ideal situation would be, we continue hanging out, having fun at parties, dinners, and vacations, balancing work, career, and play.

I'm sorry, if costa rica was too much, sounded like a blast to me, and I meant it as a fun get away. I also booked a couple rooms in AZ, scottsdale!!! for the 4th as well. Which i wanted to invite you and your entourage, as well, with my pals, I just enjoy having a great time and with that, I always want great company.

I never once thought you were only interest in $$$, so throw that out the window.

I'll call you soon, I'm emailing some of what I wanted to talk about, ;)

~Todd"

Um...can I just say, amazing? And now I'm thinking Costa Rica may not be completely out of the question. Ok, so this isn't just a trick to get me to think he's a great guy so I'll want to be in a relationship, is it?? I don't think so. Because I honestly believe that work comes #1 for him, like he said. He'd probably make room for me in his life, but I wouldn't necessarily take priority in his life.

Now's the hard part, where we figure out how to balance this all, while still remaining "single". It gets pretty blurry when attempted, so I'm not exactly sure how this will all work, but I'm feeling good about it at the moment. And now, I might just have 4th of July plans!

Sent.

2009-06-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

June 11, 2009

So I sent the email:

"Hey you,
So, ever since you brought up Costa Rica, I haven't been able to get my mind off things. I wish we saw eachother more often so I could have conversations with you face to face, but since I don't think I'll see you until Saturday, just wanted to let you know what's going on in my head.

I don't think I mentioned this to you before, but at the beginning of the year I took a vow that I would put myself and my career first. Last year was such a messy year with boys and emotions and it truly distracted me from the whole reason I came to Cali. I planned on spending this whole year single and abstinent (yikes, i know). Which, I've already failed and let my guard down on both points.

I really enjoy spending time with you and hope that we can continue to, I just want to be honest and let you know that I don't think I can get into anything serious right now. I'm not ready to be a girlfriend and I'm not physically/emotionally able yet to be there fully for anyone.

I'm not really sure how you see "us", but I would hate to ever be accused of leading you on in any way because that is not my intention. In my ideal world, we can still spend time together (sans sex, because it messes with my emotions). I want you to be honest with me at all times as well about how you feel.

Also, I want you to know that I appreciate your generosity and your invitations, but I never want you to think that is the reason I spend time with you...my favorite moments don't cost a thing.

Call me tonight or sometime before saturday when you get a chance so that we can actually talk. I hope your week has gone smoothly! Mine's been rather fast. I'd like to see you this weekend, but I understand if you don't feel the same."

Holding my breath to see the response...

Eek.

Reality Bites...

2009-06-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

June 10, 2009.

Man. So thank you all for your honest opinions. I really truly appreciate them. I know in my heart what I have to do, even if it means no trip to Costa Rica. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the trip if it were smothered in lies. I do enjoy Todd. I think he's great and he deserves someone who thinks he's really great.

I've decided that next time I see him I need to be completely honest about how I'm feeling. I sat in acting class today and watched as one of my fellow actors smiled because he was single and happy with life and knew that the daily steps he was taking were leading him to a fruitful career and a rewarding future. I want that. I know that. I just need to now act that. I hate that it's easier said than done, but it is...

Ugh, so now I just have to figure out how to phrase this. I know I desperately want to just write him an email with all my feelings, but that would be a cop out, wouldn't it? I don't know, maybe an email with a follow up phone call? Is that any better?

I just feel so rotten already because I want to like him, I want to want to date him, I want to want to fall in love with him, but alas, I already know he's not 'it' for me. And I guess right now, at this point in time, no one is going to be 'it' for me. Because what I need now more than ever before is to be focusing on being the person I want to be in order to get my career started and get noticed.

I watch successful actors in interviews and when I occasionally see them in person and I marvel at how complete they seem. I want to be complete. So, here I go....

I haven't “talked” to Todd since he wrote me that email. I text him the other night at work saying, “Thanks for the email, made me smile, I work on sat. night, but would love to meet you at the party after I get done.” He text me back that he'd get me the complete details of the party and that he misses me. I text back that I miss him, but I did it out of politeness. I just don't know what else I could've said. Oh God! Why does this have to be so weird?! Why do we have to have such emotions?! Yuck.

On another note, Pete broke his ankle and is in the hospital, so I'm planning on visiting him and bringing some cheer. How lousy. As weird as our friendship has been lately, he's still my friend and I need to be there for him like I'd hope he would be for me.

And....i might just go ahead and get that tattoo tomorrow...at least a sketch of it and an appointment for next week. I'm psyched! CAN NOT WAIT!

On to tomorrow and more reality...

Here come the perks...

2009-06-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

June 9, 2009.

So a very wise reader of mine left a very wise comment on my last post about telling Todd sooner than later how I feel to avoid further pain for either one of us. Very wise. Also, advising me to stick to my plan of abstinence since that's what I set out to do this year. Also very wise...

Now, I've been thinking about his wise words all day and agreeing in my head and trying to come up with a good way to approach this subject with Todd, when I went to check my email and found this:

"After Sunday I was lying in bed rethinking my comment about 'buying' a loto ticket to get you in a movie, and that's BS, your fate will not be decided by that. I know you r good, you know you r good. Goods things will come;)
I hope your interview went well.

This sat, my friends hawaiian themed bday party is in encino, going all night. Should be a lot of fun and if you can make it, you'll meet a lot of my friends you haven't seen.

Also, I wanted to throw this out there now, in July, weekend of 9th-12, would you be up for a mini weekend vacation in.........COSTA RICA!!!!??!?!

I met this amazing couple in South America. The best couple and parents I've ever met. He was an actor on the HBO series 'OZ' and she is a cake baker, both lived in NY for years, so many 'I' similiarities;)
Anyhoot, they have a place down there and are begging me visit and I'm leaning towards yes and obviously want you there!
Let's chat about it the next time I see you.

Have a great day, miss ya, see you soon;)"

~Todd

Fuck.

What's a girl to do? Part of me wants to be extremely selfish and play along until I get a free trip to Costa Rica and some possible career connections. The other part knows this is terrible and knows I should do something about this now rather than later. But, not gonna lie...I'm a bit torn right now. Just out of curiosity...what would you do? And don't think about morals too much, what would you really want to do?? Be honest!

'Look around your world, pretty baby, is it everything you hoped it'd be??'

2009-06-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

June 9, 2009.

1:45am.

Just walked in the door from one of the busiest, yet most rewarding days of my life. Started with an audition for a pilot this morning (didn't do wonderfully, so not really expecting a call), then straight to acting class where my teacher made me feel really good about my upcoming audition this Thursday...we'll see if his technique gets me the job. I'll be stoked if it makes a vast difference in booking gigs. Then I came home and freaked out for awhile trying to get the sides(script) that I needed to rehearse with my scene partner for Wednesday's class. Had no luck, we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Oy.

Then rushed to a film fest where one of my friends had a film showing and then rushed to rehearsal for the female quartet I'm in. Then, last but not least had an impromptu ladies night with Jess and Nikki at Mexicali. It was mucho needed.

A little recap of last nights adventures. I got off work earlier than expected and text Todd. He wanted to do dinner and a movie. So I ran to fed ex and then ran home to shower and got ready just in time. Got more crap from the neighbors about my sat. night party, so I vented to Todd the whole way to the theater. I apologized for venting.

We took too long getting food, so we only had appetizers and then went to see “The Hangover”. Truly funny, but I feel like I was just too distracted by life in general to be able to really enjoy it. Held hands with Todd the whole movie and was really annoyed. He kept picking at my fingernails and it was really uncomfortable and then he would like rub the bone at the base of my thumb and it was equally uncomfortable. That could have something to do with why I wasn't paying attention to the movie. I wanted to rip my hand away.

But, it was nice to have a normal date for once. He dropped me at home, knowing he couldn't come in and I couldn't go back with him, we're both busy people. So we kissed goodnight and he said, “I'll call you.” You'd better call me. Ha.

I don't know if I mentioned but at the party the other night I was sitting on his lap at one point and I remember kissing him and he smiled and said, “I'm glad you gave me a second chance.” And I smirked and replied, “I haven't given you a second chance yet...” and he goes, “I see how it is.”

I don't know. Today I just couldn't help but feel like I'm making a mistake by being with Todd. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. But, I just don't think we're meant to be with one another. I want to be with someone that I can't get out of my mind. Someone who makes me giddy just by texting. Someone who can make me laugh so hard I cry. Someone who never makes me cry. That person is most likely not Todd. *sigh*

It's so wrong of me, but I just don't know how to tell him this and I keep hoping that my busy-ness keeps him at bay and maybe I can use that as an excuse...

Humph. So, Seattle's been on my brain tonight. Wanted to text him just to say 'hi'. It's not that I find myself missing him, but I do find myself thinking of him every once in awhile. His birthday was about a week ago. I purposely didn't text/call/email or write about in this blog because honestly, I wanted him to be sad about it. I know, real mature. I kept wanting to text him something mean like, “Hey, happy birthday, try not to repeat mistakes and avoid Becks.” But, I knew that would be stupid and mean for no reason. I was just feeling bitter.

Well, I thought about emailing him tonight and saying something like, “I'm glad we're not talking because it makes it easier...” Sadly enough, it does make it easier. I don't want to think about all the girls that have come into his life recently. I'm sure he doesn't want to think about the boys in mine, yet he'll occasionally check my blog. When he misses me, I suppose.

I've been a jerk and have purposely been avoiding talking about him so that he can't get the satisfaction of knowing he's still on my brain. I guess the jig is up now, if he checks. Oh well, I'll probably regret this in the morning, but for now it's what i'm thinking about and it's the truth. Humph again.

Alright, exhaustion is hitting. Ta ta for now kiddos!

What a weekend...

2009-06-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.

Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

Dream Analysis

2009-06-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

June 5, 2009.

I had these wild dreams last night involving the infamous ex (he who shall remain nameless). Strange, because I don't often think of him anymore and it leads me to wonder, who/what he was representing in last nights dream.

In the dream we were having a very childish feud. A game of pranks that would continually piss one person off leading the other to retaliate. The very last thing he did to piss me off was buy drinks for two girls that were at the bar with us and had the waitress bring me the change. I don't really understand this either, but it made me so upset that I grabbed the five dollar bill the waitress was handing me, crumpled it up and shoved it into the whiskey drink he was having – I suppose to ruin the money and the drink, right?

Then I proceeded to run away from the bar and he followed, caught up with me, tackled me and we lay on the sidewalk outside the bar and I just said, “Arrrgggghhh!!!! I can't do this anymore!” and he, while sitting on top of me, looks down and with all earnestness says with a sigh, “Me either.” Then rolls off of me and there we had it. We had driven each other to insanity and couldn't take a moment more. It was mutual anger and distress and we both knew there was nothing left of “us”.

I love analyzing other peoples dreams, when I know them well enough to know what's going on with their lives, so maybe I can analyze my own...let's see:

Well, obviously the ex is someone that brings me non-stop frustration. So I'm experiencing frustration from someone or something in my life. I must feel as if I'm in continual competition with this person, always trying to one up them, but never truly succeeding. I know in my heart this must stop, but just haven't said it aloud yet. So, what am I competing for? Who or what am I frustrated with?

The only thing that kept popping into my head while writing that was: Nikki. It's not so much that I'm mad at her or frustrated, but I do think at times it's difficult because when we go out, I always go out with the mindset of: “Well, she's better than me in every way, so I just won't hope/expect to meet anyone tonight.” And even though she's a very humble person, there is no self doubt in her that she can get whoever she sets out to get. I hate competition, especially with friends. So when it arises in any fashion, I'm always the first to back down. I will never, ever compete for a boy. I will never, ever try harder to get a guys attention. If he's not going to acknowledge me for who I am, then he's not worth it. I don't chase.

It's bad because I know this thought has frequented my mind lately: I often think about when I meet someone I really like and who seems to really like me, I don't want them to meet Nikki, in fear that they'll start questioning why they liked me at all. I know this is silly. Nikki and I are completely different people and wonderful in our own ways. It's just hard in this materialistic, self-centered, looks are all that matter world of LA to see and understand what I have to offer every time an attractive guy walks our way and strikes up a convo with Nikki.

Well, I guess I figured it out. This sucks, because I love Nikki to death and I know she would never, ever do anything to hurt me or our friendship and vice versa. But sometimes I just want to shout, “Leave some for the rest of us!!!” Ha.

I need to do something for myself today and the rest of the week to make myself feel valuable. Thinkin' about getting a haircut today and perhaps my tattoo (that I've been dreaming of) next week. That'll help at least temporarily...

As for now, on to exercise!!

If I were Invisible...

2009-06-05T01:39:00.001-07:00

June 4, 2009.

Wow. So, where did I leave off?

Worked yesterday and so tired of having people I work with tell me, “When it's right it'll happen.” “When you stop looking is when love will find you.” “Give off positive energy and people will be more attracted to you.” Blah blah blah blah.

Ok, so I've stopped looking. I'm a very positive person, I'm patiently waiting for the timing to be right. Stop it!

Felt like a joke last night. I was the only server on and every single table I got was a date. Haha, ok, I get it universe, very funny. Then the ipod we have at work started playing, “You're nobody till somebody loves you...”. I hate that this is how society feels.

Ugh. Anywho, on a brighter note, I had the most fantabulous day with my girls. We all had the day off and decided to spoil ourselves. And spoil ourselves we did. We went to Paradise Cove in Malibu and managed to befriend a few boys here and there. But no numbers were exchanged (ok one number that Lacey got), just some friendly convo.

Then we ended the night at the Whiskey a go-go. We went because Pete invited me a week ago since he knew the band that was playing. I agreed to go, because I've been feeling rather guilty about not seeing/hanging with him for so long. I want to be friends with him still, I've just been so ridiculously busy and I feel like him, Miguel and Lee are all taking it personally and if I don't see them soon, then they'll all be out of my life completely.

It was ok, but I just felt as if the entire crowd was 18 and under and I felt too old to be there. Plus, I love Nikki, but man it gets frustrating when every single guy gravitates toward her. I don't stand a chance at meeting guys when I'm out with her. One guy didn't even see me. Literally, I was invisible. Ugh.

So, I could've done without the Whiskey tonight, as I'm sure all the girls would agree, but we had our fun.

Called Todd on the way to the show, returning his call from earlier. He was quite cute, he said, “I feel like I haven't seen you in a month!”

And I told him I'd text him when I was heading home to see if he's still awake and I did, actually hoping to see him, and of course, he was asleep and didn't hear my text.

I just couldn't help but think all night, after being surrounded with a-holes, 'what's so bad about having a guy that's actually in to me? Why shouldn't I spend some time around someone who really enjoys my company?'

Oy, so a little while later he text me, he must've woken up and seen my missed texts and responded, “I'm awake! Shit, always missing u...k, ttyl.”

But, I called him back. I was already for bed, but I figured I owed him a call and I wanted to make plans for tomorrow with him. So, I work until about 9:30ish and then we're gonna hang out.

Oh man, and I remembered something I haven't told anyone yet...not even you my blog followers. The other night, I guess it was Saturday, when Todd was sleeping over, I was having trouble falling asleep and I was tossing and turning a bit and all of a sudden, Todd started mumbling and very clearly said, “ Mmm, I miss Pug.”

Um, excuse me?? Ha, he was thinking/dreaming/subconsciously missing his dog. Well, it's his roommates dog. But, it was really weird to hear him mutter that in his sleep. I mean, I get it, Pug is the only one he's slept with continually in the past two years. But really?? Weird...

Ok, just thought that was pretty funny.

Also, on a random note, Encino text me tonight. Kind of got excited about that. Haven't seen him since February and I do believe he's single now...so, there's that. But, I'm not looking, remember? Hell, naw!

Goodnight.

Eau de Desperation

2009-06-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

June 3, 2009.

Well, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little today. I went to an acting class where I proceeded to tell ten complete strangers a bit of my very personal history and the teacher asked if I was married, “No.” Seeing anyone? “No.” She asked because she noticed the ring. So, I then proceeded to explain how I've had the worst dating experiences in the past year and that I wear it because I'm taking this year to “Be about me and focus on my career.”

Speaking those words out loud reminded me how powerful it feels to be a single woman by choice. It's pretty great. However, all greatness comes with a little bit of hardship. So now I'm faced with the icky-ness of telling Todd this revelation. I'm not prepared to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now, because I can't even hold onto a serious relationship with myself. Does that make any sense?

I'd like to still hang out with him and spend time with his friends and be allowed to be “cuddly” or kiss him if I feel like it, but I do want to take sex out of the equation completely and perhaps no sleepovers. I'll revert back to high school where I wasn't allowed to have a boy in my bed and I had to be home eventually and under my own covers. Life was so much simpler then. Love was so much simpler then. Maybe this will be good for both of us (Todd and I) because we'll get to really know one another and see if there really is some great chemistry there before we get super serial.

Ugh. Back to ground zero I guess.

Well, I talked to Nikki and the other girls while at work yesterday and they filled me in on my forgotten moments of the night before. Apparently, after I made out with that guy and found out he had a girlfriend, he tried to talk to Nikki and told her, “I really like your friend, I don't want her to think I'm a jerk or anything, I think she's really attractive and...” blah blah blah. I guess his friend (the one that Nikki ended up spending the night with) told her that he really is a great guy and he's sort of in the process of breaking it off with this other girl. Nikki just said, “Whatever, it doesn't matter, that was just really crappy timing. Not the right month for that to happen.”

It's just hard to not get down on myself when this shit continually happens. Ok, so here are the extremes: Irene gets wasted and makes out with strange guy who happens to be in a relationship. Nikki goes out, hits it off with the guy from the band, spends the entire night with him, is smitten and he texts her the next day saying things like, “You are stunning.”

She always has a guy ready to commit and tell her how wonderful she is and wanting to be her boyfriend. I, on the other hand, get jerk after jerk. Maybe it's the Eau de Desperation that I've been wearing lately. Trust me, I'm working on it!

Ok, world, watch out! Irene's back and she's ready to be single!!!

Irene Allison Checks into Rehab, Puts Feature Film on Hold.

2009-06-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

June 2, 2009.

If I were a famous movie star already. I'd be checking into rehab this morning...

I had vodka. And redbull. I had vodka redbull. Which is kind of like speed in liquid form. I never drink that combo and think I probably never will again.

I didn't think I had that much, but wow. The night is a little blurry but I remember dancing, drinking, hitting on guys shamelessly, making out (I think) and then leaving the bar in tears. Correction, leaving the bar weeping. Woke up this morning confused as to how I even got into my own bed unscathed.

The tabloids would have read this morning: “America's Biggest Mess” and had a picture of me, drunk with mascara running down my face. Ha!

At least I'm laughing about it this morning.

Ok, so rewind to last night at 7:30. Todd text me and told me to go have fun and to carpool with the girls because that's half the fun! So brownie points. Then he told me I could still call him later. Well, this never works out because he always goes to bed early since he's a working man and gets up with the sunrise. However, on the way to the Viper Room, I text him and told him to make sure he stays up because I really want to see him later. He replied that he was pounding redbulls and watching youtube in order to stay awake for me. More brownie points.

The Viper was a lot of fun. The band was really good and we danced. A very handsome tall guy walked by me and I was only on my second drink (the first I had at home before we left) so I didn't think I was that drunk, but I was definitely feeling feisty. I looked him square in the eyes and said, “You're cute!”

“Thanks, so are you.” ~ Tall Dude

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Um, yeah.” and I walked back to the girls.

He passed again a little bit later and I grabbed his arm and said, “You're still cute, I didn't mean you weren't since you have a girlfriend.” and I think out of pity he proceeded to tell me that I was “beautiful”. We laughed and that was that.

Then after the Viper the guys in the band were heading down to another bar and told us to join. So we did. Oh yeah, back up. At the Viper, I had two vodka reds and hit on the bartender and left him my number. Why am I so lame when I drink? Ha, I think I told the 'tender that he had great “locks”. He had long black hair, it was rather sexy.

So on to this other bar. I must've gotten a drink. I don't remember having another one or why I had another one, but I must've. I remember striking up another conversation with yet another tall guy, I think he was from NY or something and so we had something to talk about. And then what I think happened was that I started making out with him. Don't remember if this was reciprocated or if I just pounced. Then I think I asked if he had a girlfriend and when he said “yes” I turned and walked away and then I remember weeping and having my girls around me consoling me. God, I turned into America's Most Pathetic Woman.

This is so not my style. It's like the Redbull took over my body last night and I had no control any longer. Out Demons! Out!

God what a weird night. I text Todd this morning apologizing for not calling last night and explaining that I had too much to drink and passed out when I got home. He responded:

“LOL, no prob girl! Haha. Seriously, you did call me at 1:30, I was half asleep, I couldn't hear you too well a lot of background noise and you were definitely wasted!! I like your style...reminds me of...me, ha. Get some rest!”

Oh no I didn't! Ugh. Alcohol cleanse, anyone? Now I feel like I can't ever go back to sunset. Ha! I know, I'm just being stupid. Every night there are twenty other girls that make even worse fools of themselves than I did.

I feel like I was such a brat last night. I need to get the whole story from Nikki tonight at work. If I find out anything juicier, I'll fill you in!

Foreshadowing??

2009-06-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2009.

Happy June everyone! Halfway through the year! Holy Crow!

Well, I'm supposed to have dinner and a movie with Todd in an hour, but Nikki text me earlier saying that she's got us free tickets to the Viper room tonight and I'm kinda totally excited/more interested in doing that tonight.

I text Todd and told him that I forgot I had these plans with Nikki and would have to leave around “10:20ish” if he did still want to do dinner, but I didn't want “rush it”. So I lied. I feel bad about it. If we are about to start a relationship of any sort, I don't want to have lies be a part of it. No sir.

Haven't heard back from him yet, don't know if he wants to reschedule or still go ahead as planned. I'm a little nervous that he hasn't text me back yet, because I don't know what he wants! Is he upset?

Ugh. I guess it's probably not a great sign that I'd rather go out with my girls than hang out with him, but they're my girls. I'd be nowhere without them. I need them in my life more than I need a man right now. So...it's not really a tough choice. Plus, he keeps telling me that he loves that I'm so independent. Well, Miss Independent wants to go out tonight.

I'm sure he was expecting me to come over and spend the night and now that I have to leave, it changes the whole mood. I really wanna be able to do both, but we shall see. He better text me soon or I'm not gonna know whether or not to head down to his place!

Also, I just went to visit Nikki at work and Boss was there. I'm looking pretty slammin' right now, if I may say so myself (short shorts, see-through T and some hot red heels...) Boss was lookin'. Not gonna lie, I wanted him to notice. As I was leaving, he goes, “Do you have a date tonight?” And I said, “I do!” and kept walking and he goes, “Is that a yes?” and I said, “Yeah!” and as I walked out the door I heard him say, “Cause you look hot!”

Nice.

I couldn't help but laugh about it a little because, I'll be honest. I have a crush on Boss. I have since the first time I worked there (a year ago). But, I just never let it blossom or let it be known to anyone, because there was never a point. He's had the same girlfriend for as long as I've known him.

But now, I feel like we've taken our relationship to the next level of flirtatiousness where we both kind of know that we're “joking” but if the other wanted to be serious, we'd totally be ok with that.

And I just think it's funny how I can see a “Boss” chapter happening in my life eventually. Who knows when. Now is definitely not the time, but somewhere down the line. It's almost as if my life has foreshadowing in it. Bizarre...

P.S. Thanks for all your comments on my previous blogs. I really do like to know your thoughts on my stories. It's fun to see the responses and even the tough love! Keep 'em comin'!

Romance is not dead...

2009-06-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

"Thank you for a perfect weekend! Sat night & this morning were amazing. Can't wait to see you again. Raving about you all day;)" ~Todd

Got home about an hour ago and this was an email that Todd had sent me along with this picture of the rose he bought me last night. We were leaving The Great Greek and a woman approached us selling flowers for a ridiculous $10 a piece. Todd of course opened his wallet and bought me one. When we got into his car I said, "Do you remember that you bought me a rose the night we met?"

"Of course I do." He's definitely a romantic.

Well, I forgot the rose in his car, but he saved it for me and it's waiting at his apt. Very sweet. We have plans to hang out tomorrow night. I'm still a bit hesitant about it all, but I do know that all night I've been thinking about him and wanting to see him again as soon as possible. So that's a good sign.

Alright, way past my bedtime. I've got things to do in the morning, so adieu, I'll update tomorrow!

Todd...

2009-05-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

May 31, 2009.

...is back and apparently here to stay. After work I met Todd at The Great Greek. It's a restaurant right down the street from where I work. I arrived 20 min late (half on accident, half on purpose.) When I walked in he was sitting at the bar having a drink and a huge sigh of relief left him when he saw me. The bartender only charged him for one drink because he “felt bad”. I guess they were worried I was standing him up.

Todd said it wouldn't have surprised him. Kinda glad I made him a bit nervous.

Dinner was fabulous. I was a little tipsy when I got there because I had stayed at work and had a glass of wine before heading out, sort of the reason I was running late. Then I had two more glasses of wine while at dinner. Needless to say, I was in a great mood.

Todd admitted to me that he has commitment issues and I was the first girl he'd gotten close to since his ex and it made him nervous and he purposely acted flaky to sabotage the good thing we had going on. Wow. I never expected to be back here again a year later.

It was nice to have an explanation. However, now I'm a little nervous. He's almost 30, and has had only one relationship in his entire life. It was 7 years ago. That's so foreign for me. I can't imagine at that age only dating one person. What did this girl do to f- him up so badly? I vaguely remember stories he told me last year, and if I'm not mistaken, I think it had something to do with a cheating situation, but maybe I'm getting my stories mixed up with someone else.

Anywho, we had a great dinner then proceeded to Mexicali further down Ventura for some drinks...we didn't want the night to end too early. At Mexicali there were these two older guys (mid 40's) that started talking to us. They kept saying what a cute couple we make and they kept telling him that he had a great girl and then they'd reassure me that I had a good catch as well. It was quite entertaining.

Then Todd's friend called. I picked up the phone and he ecstatically said, “Hey Irene!” When I told him we were at Mexicali, he said that he had literally just left about 10 minutes before and was heading to The Great Greek to “crash our date”. I like Todd's friends a lot, otherwise, I would've been annoyed by this. Well, we decided to meet up with his friends at Senor Fred's.

I was pretty sloshed by this point...three glasses of wine and half a margarita. Todd and I had already been making out a lot at this point. His friends were all excited to see us. Todd kept saying, “You're such a big hit. My friends love you!” and I kept saying, “Well, I don't care what your friends think of me...” meaning it only matters if he likes me. But it was great fun. I ordered Sangria (which is awesome at Fred's, so if you ever go there, get the sangria) and I managed to spill it all over Todd's friends shirt. Luckily enough he was wearing another shirt underneath and the bartender was amazing and took his shirt and rinsed it in the sink, so there was no stain...phew! I felt like a fool, and apologized profusely and offered to pay for his shirt and buy him a drink, etc etc etc. But he was really sweet and didn't seem too phased by it and still seemed to like me by the end of the night.

I helped the guys get some girls numbers and set up a “play date” for us all next weekend. Let's see if that actually happens. I kept telling the guys that I need to get them to come out when all my girls are out as well, cuz they're so much fun. I'm not really sure how well they'd all hit it off though. I doubt Nikki would be interested in any of them, but perhaps Lacey, they're all really sweet guys and I found them to be a lot of fun, but perhaps I should “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!” Sorry, that songs been in my head all week.

Anyway, Todd and I walked back to my place after Fred's and proceeded to get our groove on. Now, I'll let you in on a little secret, well, a few secrets rather: Last year, the only two times that I ever slept with Todd, he didn't use a condom. Nor did he “pull out”. I was an idiot and for some reason I didn't speak up about this, and ended up being all paranoid and taking Plan B, both times. Ugh. Well, I swore to myself this would never happen again. And last night, I asked him to put on a condom. He didn't bring one...of course not. However, I'm a modern girl and I have condoms at my place so I got one for him.

The sex was good, but he didn't finish. And I can't help but to feel as though it's because we were using a condom. Seattle had this problem too and I let myself be swayed by my feelings for him and we ditched the condom. Probably a stupid move in retrospect, but what is the deal with guys not being able to get pleasure from sex with a condom?? I don't like this phenomenon. Plus, the even scarier thing about it is that this probably means, the other girls they're sleeping with are having unprotected sex with them as well. Gross.

Well, I enforced the condom rule last night and I'm proud of myself. Todd didn't seem upset, so it must not have been that big a deal to him that he didn't orgasm.

Todd reassured me last night that he knew he made a big mistake by letting me go last year and “it's not gonna happen again.” It was nice to hear that, however, I lay awake this morning with his arms around me and his heart beating against my back and his breath on my neck and I started freaking out a little.

How am I supposed to be his second ever relationship? What if things don't work out btw us? Will he be even more f-uped than the first time? I don't want to damage him further.

I like him. I enjoy spending time with him. He's attractive, he's sweet, he's generous (and has the ability to be generous), he's fun. I just don't really see myself spending the rest of my life with him. And I was just having this discussion with Nikki the other day, that at this point in our lives, being in a relationship that's not going to progress just seems pointless.

I mean, it's not like I don't see any future with Todd, but I'm just not sure he's the best there is for me. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time. I have rehearsal this afternoon, then a birthday dinner to go to. I told Todd I'd give him a call later when I'm all done with everything. He like, really wants to make this work. Wow.

This morning I got up and showered and started getting ready to head out with him and he grabbed me and brought me back to bed and we spent like ten minutes straight just making out. All I could think was, “I could get used to this.” Having a guy in the same city that I can actually hang out with in the flesh and kiss when I want and sleep next to and have dinner with. Wow, what a concept!

Definitely could get used to this...

So Little Time...

2009-05-30T03:56:00.000-07:00

May 30, 2009.

3:44am.

I'm writing at this ridiculously odd hour because 1)I just got home an hour ago and have just finished checking email/getting ready for bed and 2)I probably won't get a chance to write tomorrow. I'm a busy busy girl, remember?

So quick update. My improv show was last night and Todd showed up, like promised with three of his friends. They were fun to have in the audience, but I'm not gonna lie. I was so nervous about performing in front of them. Gave Todd a hug hello and a hug goodbye. I didn't hang out with him after the show because it was Brad's last show with us and he was having a little 'going away' party. Todd text me after he left and said that he really enjoyed the show and that I should text him when I'm on my way home so I can maybe come by.

Well, I didn't start heading home until 2:30am and I was way down in Arcadia and it would've been 3am before I even got to Todd's in Santa Monica. I am really anxious to hang out with him though. There's still so much we need to discuss! So we now have plans for tomorrow evening...dinner. I work, til about 8pm, I believe, unless we get crazy busy at the restaurant. Todd wants to go eat at the Greek restaurant across the street from where I live.

I'm secretly hoping it goes real well and we end up going to a movie or out for drinks and then somehow end up in a situation where we can cuddle. I'm dying to cuddle! Todd calls it “cuzzling”, which, to be honest, I really don't find cute. It's kind of like when the infamous ex used to say, “I have to take a poopaloops!” I always wanted to yell and say, “You're not five! Use real words!”

Hmm...probably a sign that Todd's not quite right for me, but for right now, I just really want to cuddle.

Nikki text me this morning asking if Todd ended up coming over and I told her no...of course not. She text me back: “He's not the right one for you. You are so fucking amazing, and my first (and only) impression of him is that he is mediocre. You deserve someone as amazing as you...that person will come along when its right. We have to keep the faith, and in the meantime, fuck guys! We have enough fun!”

She's absolutely right and I appreciate so much that she said that too me. I'm lucky to have girls in my life that remind me not to settle because of loneliness, but hold out for someone incredible.

I guess I just keep hoping that I've already met that someone incredible.

Been thinking about CRAgent lately. Haven't heard from him at all. Not surprised, but I was hoping a text or two. I keep wanting to text him, but I always feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing...I need to be chased. I know, that sounds so bad, but it's just how I feel. If a guy doesn't put out an effort, I'm not about to beg for his attention.

Alright, busy day ahead of me and I'll be running on about 5 hrs sleep...that is if I don't exercise. Oy, sleep or exercise...it's a tough decision!!

So Much Testosterone!

2009-05-29T02:49:00.001-07:00

May 29, 2009.

2:42am.

Well, you could say the night didn't go well or you could say it went great. Depends on your perspective, I suppose. Just got ready for bed and still sweating from a night full of dancing with gay men and some extremely hot not so gay men.

We went to Arena in Hollywood, a gay club with go go dancers and hot bartenders and all the hip hop music you could wish for. We danced our butts off and managed to attract the attention of all the straight, very very sexy go go dancers. When they finished their shift they joined us on the dance floor. It was a yummy yummy time. I exchanged number with one of them, and go figure, he's leaving in a few weeks because he's in the Navy. WTF?! I'm so over the navy. It can bite me.

Well, I had made plans with Todd earlier to meet up after our separate nights out and he had said he was going to crash at my place. Great. I was actually excited. However, here I sit. At my place. Completely alone. And again...why does this shock or surprise me in the slightest? This is Todd we're talking about.

Grrrrrrr!!!! I'm so tired of him being such a flake. I mean he may have a very valid excuse this time and every time, but, if we're just going to continue to make plans then have them not happen, I'm over it. I really wanna just pass out right now, I'm soo tired, but I keep thinking, “Well, what if he calls in like 5 minutes?”

Irene...I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, he's not gonna call. Get over it.

Ok. I'm over it and I'm going to bed.

Goodnight!

Quickie

2009-05-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

May 29th, 2009.

Going to the gay bar with the girls and Roger tonight! Woohoo!

Canceled dinner plans with Todd tonight. Hopefully meeting him later after the club...

Don't think I'll hear from Seattle for awhile, bit of a nasty email exchange that's left me fuming a bit today. Proves just how much he cares for Becks. Puke in my mouth.

Venezuelan John text to see what I'm up to tonight. Told him about the gay club.

That's all I've got so far. I'll update either tonight or tomorrow depending on how the night goes...