Not Sure.

March 3, 2009.

So there have been some developments. Went out with Miguel and Lee last night and decided to invite Ray. He accepted the invite and met us at Cheesecake Factory in the Grove.

Apparently we’re on a kissing hello basis. A little much, but I don’t really mind. Sitting having coffee and chatting with the three of them just felt so nice. I found myself having such a great time and realizing it. I even had the thought, “I’m very happy right now and I’m not even drunk.” Ray is such a great guy. I just don’t know what to do about it. I found myself thinking…why not?

I think it could be really great. I don’t know for how long, but I think it could. He’s so intense though, I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed when I’m with him and other people. It’s strange because he’s so very into me, telling me, touching me, kissing me, telling the people we’re with, “Isn’t she just gorgeous?” And it reminds me of how into my mom my stepfather is. It’s always been gross to me and it makes me uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. I love being told I’m gorgeous and being kissed and hugged and all that good stuff, but I like it in the privacy of my own apt. or in a car or when I’m on a date, alone with that other person. I don’t like being singled out and focused on. I feel like it makes the people around us uncomfortable, but maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe no one is uncomfortable except for me.

So Ray, eh? It’s lookin’ pretty good for him…

On a completely different note, I was going through my emails today, checking for an email I had received over a year ago in 2007 and I stumbled across an email exchange I had with “the ex”. I read it and it seemed as if I was peering into someone else’s private letters, not one that I myself had written. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. Here’s the exchange:

Letter from “the ex”:

I am sorry for being so weird. First and foremost, I know how
important it is for you to go to California and see if it really is
for you, and to learn to surf and read Variety every day and all that
stuff. I know how important it is for you, and that is why I would
never let you stay here. I also know that adding marriage is a
ridiculous thing to add to the already complicated equation. I just
don't want to lose you. Someone is gonna grab you and scoop you up
and I want that person to be me. I don't want to go to California,
and I don't really wanna get married at 24 and 23 when neither of us
are ready; i just don't wanna let you go and let someone else get my
dream girl. I don't wanna call you someday and you say you met some
guy and he's charming and cute and can be all the things I can't and
doesn't do all the bad things I do. I don't want to let you go and
regret it forever. I hope this made some sense. I miss you and love
you badly!

My response:

Babe,
The most important thing you could do for me right now is fully support my decision to head west. I know it's hard to do, and I appreciate you every time you let me gush about California and don't throw in a "it'll steal your soul" reply. I'm terrified to leave you just as much as you're terrified to let me go. Believe it or not. The more we get closer to moving the sadder i get when thinking about being without you. I don't know how I'm going to date again after you...everything just goes smoothly with you. The other day I had the crazy thought of trying long distance with you...just because I'm selfish and am not ready to say goodbye. But if we ever did long distance we'd just end up destroying everything good between us...subconsciously we'd always be jealous and unhappy no matter how faithful and loyal we were each being on opposite coasts. If the universe has a plan for the two of us I will put my faith in fate and let it play out as it's meant to. I love you. That's the important part right now. The marriage stuff can come later if that's where our paths lead. And if it does, I won't be disappointed! I'm going to California with the mind set that I'm in love with a man in NYC and not looking for "flings" or affairs, or a whole lot of that physical stuff...you know how much it takes to get me into bed. I've had my "summer of fun" and got it out of my system. Now it's time for me to really discover life by myself, and find out what it takes for me to be truly happy. Maybe I'll discover that the answer is you. Who knows...whatever it is I'm excited to find out. And I'm excited for you to find out what does it for you. It's all very exciting and I don't want any of that excitement to be snuffed out by our paranoia or jealousy. I love you. We'll always have Bliss...


Not sure if I’m ready to say “I love you” to someone yet. Not sure if I’m ready to find someone I feel that strongly for again. Not sure.

Independent Woman!

February 28, 2009.

Well, I’ve been extremely positive, but haven’t found him yet…I can smell him though, he’s comin’ and he sure smells good. Ha, that doesn’t sound quite right.

Last night while on set of “My Boys”, I was told I have the prettiest eyes [he’s] ever seen. He was not it. He was very polite and nice, but not it. Kind of awkward. But awkward could be good, I suppose.

But hey, look out world, it’s the end of February and that means two months celibate for me! Wow! There were a few close calls in there and the nights not over yet, but I made it!

I’m worried that I’m getting so used to being alone that I’m not gonna want to be with anyone when the time comes. It just leaves me so free and open to do what I want. Right now it’s the middle of a Saturday and I’m sitting at Cheesecake Factory by myself with a cup of coffee and salad on the way. It feels good to be independent. Really good. I suppose I don’t have to lose the independence when I start dating, but I’ll just have to find a guy who doesn’t mind an independent woman. In LA? That’s a joke.

Will, from Florida comes back to the states either tomorrow or Monday, I’m not sure which, but I’m dying to see him. It’s been 7 months. I’m sure he’s just as cute as ever, I just want to squeeze him and give him a big wet kiss.

I feel like Miguel and Lee have made me a charity case and are trying desperately to set me up with someone, even though they don’t know anyone that lives in California, “But they might be moving out here!” I don’t want people to make it their mission to find me a mate. I want to find him on my own and naturally. I don’t want anything to seem forced or contrived.

I’m all over the map today, as you can clearly see, but for now, the search is still on, but I don’t like the term “search”, makes me sound a little desperate, how about…my independence still reigns! I like the sound of that!