Age Appropriate = Awkwardness?

March 4, 2009.

Oh man. Let’s see. Went out for coffee with Sasha, who I haven’t seen in almost a year now. We met last January when we were in a play in Hollywood together. We were also both new to this city. I’ve been trying to get better at meeting up with people and rekindling old relationships. So we had a nice chat about how we’re both still single due to the fact that every guy we meet in L.A. is an asshole.

I kept thinking about Ray the whole time we were having our girl talk and was tempted to call him on my way back home and stop over and see him for a bit. But, I am trying to practice self-restraint in many ways. So, I did not.

However, after I got home, got ready for bed and was almost asleep I received a text saying, “You were on my mind all day today. If u are up right now, id come over for a cuddle and kiss. x” That was Ray. So I text him back and told him that I had thought about visiting him earlier in the night. He asked if he could come over for 5 min and I told him, no, I was already in bed. I’m still nervous about spending intimate time with him. I just don’t know.

Told my sister about him, which is sort of a big step, because I don’t like to tell her about just every guy; that seems stupid. Her advice about the age difference was to just not let it bother me. Ok…easier said than done.

Today, I did audience work…ugh, gag me with a spoon. But after the fifth show they taped, I was seated next to a cute guy and we struck up a conversation. He was kind of shy and I liked that. We didn’t even introduce ourselves, just chatted. When we were leaving we passed eachother and smiled and waved and cordially said, “Nice to meet you!” Even though, we never really did meet, now did we?

He was much more age appropriate for me, but I couldn’t help but picture a first date between us and how awkward the entire night would be. Even if we did end up hitting it off and wanted to pursue eachother further, it would start awkwardly.

I wonder if it’s because of Ray’s age that it isn’t awkward with him. He’s just so whole and complete within himself that nothing feels contrived or forced and everything just moves along super smooth and naturally. Hmm. I like that.

He’s supposed to come out with Lee, Miguel and me on Friday to see “The Watchmen”. I’m excited to go out, just not sure if or when I’ll be able to transition our relationship into something more personal and intimate. It’s weird.

Not Sure.

March 3, 2009.

So there have been some developments. Went out with Miguel and Lee last night and decided to invite Ray. He accepted the invite and met us at Cheesecake Factory in the Grove.

Apparently we’re on a kissing hello basis. A little much, but I don’t really mind. Sitting having coffee and chatting with the three of them just felt so nice. I found myself having such a great time and realizing it. I even had the thought, “I’m very happy right now and I’m not even drunk.” Ray is such a great guy. I just don’t know what to do about it. I found myself thinking…why not?

I think it could be really great. I don’t know for how long, but I think it could. He’s so intense though, I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed when I’m with him and other people. It’s strange because he’s so very into me, telling me, touching me, kissing me, telling the people we’re with, “Isn’t she just gorgeous?” And it reminds me of how into my mom my stepfather is. It’s always been gross to me and it makes me uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. I love being told I’m gorgeous and being kissed and hugged and all that good stuff, but I like it in the privacy of my own apt. or in a car or when I’m on a date, alone with that other person. I don’t like being singled out and focused on. I feel like it makes the people around us uncomfortable, but maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe no one is uncomfortable except for me.

So Ray, eh? It’s lookin’ pretty good for him…

On a completely different note, I was going through my emails today, checking for an email I had received over a year ago in 2007 and I stumbled across an email exchange I had with “the ex”. I read it and it seemed as if I was peering into someone else’s private letters, not one that I myself had written. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. Here’s the exchange:

Letter from “the ex”:

I am sorry for being so weird. First and foremost, I know how
important it is for you to go to California and see if it really is
for you, and to learn to surf and read Variety every day and all that
stuff. I know how important it is for you, and that is why I would
never let you stay here. I also know that adding marriage is a
ridiculous thing to add to the already complicated equation. I just
don't want to lose you. Someone is gonna grab you and scoop you up
and I want that person to be me. I don't want to go to California,
and I don't really wanna get married at 24 and 23 when neither of us
are ready; i just don't wanna let you go and let someone else get my
dream girl. I don't wanna call you someday and you say you met some
guy and he's charming and cute and can be all the things I can't and
doesn't do all the bad things I do. I don't want to let you go and
regret it forever. I hope this made some sense. I miss you and love
you badly!

My response:

Babe,
The most important thing you could do for me right now is fully support my decision to head west. I know it's hard to do, and I appreciate you every time you let me gush about California and don't throw in a "it'll steal your soul" reply. I'm terrified to leave you just as much as you're terrified to let me go. Believe it or not. The more we get closer to moving the sadder i get when thinking about being without you. I don't know how I'm going to date again after you...everything just goes smoothly with you. The other day I had the crazy thought of trying long distance with you...just because I'm selfish and am not ready to say goodbye. But if we ever did long distance we'd just end up destroying everything good between us...subconsciously we'd always be jealous and unhappy no matter how faithful and loyal we were each being on opposite coasts. If the universe has a plan for the two of us I will put my faith in fate and let it play out as it's meant to. I love you. That's the important part right now. The marriage stuff can come later if that's where our paths lead. And if it does, I won't be disappointed! I'm going to California with the mind set that I'm in love with a man in NYC and not looking for "flings" or affairs, or a whole lot of that physical stuff...you know how much it takes to get me into bed. I've had my "summer of fun" and got it out of my system. Now it's time for me to really discover life by myself, and find out what it takes for me to be truly happy. Maybe I'll discover that the answer is you. Who knows...whatever it is I'm excited to find out. And I'm excited for you to find out what does it for you. It's all very exciting and I don't want any of that excitement to be snuffed out by our paranoia or jealousy. I love you. We'll always have Bliss...


Not sure if I’m ready to say “I love you” to someone yet. Not sure if I’m ready to find someone I feel that strongly for again. Not sure.

Too Eager...

March 2, 2009.

Ray has text me three times already since seeing him yesterday. He was MIA all last week after discussing how I have absolutely no time for a relationship. I guess he took the week to think about it, but then after hanging out yesterday, he’s back at it in full force! He wants to go to another movie this week. I’m not opposed to the idea, but not sure yet if I want to go just the two of us or invite Miguel and Lee so that it’s a little more friendly.

Tonight I’m hanging out with them (my fave couple). Think we’re gonna grab drinks and appetizers at a bar somewhere. For me it’ll have to be coffee and veggies. Still trying to get my body into a more desirable shape. It’s funny, I was researching places to go tonight, my requirements being cheap, fun and healthy eats. Then I noticed the side tab that I could click for great places for singles to go. I considered clicking it, but didn’t. I suppose L.A. bars are not the greatest places to meet relationship men.

I keep thinking about Will today. He’s back in the states and I’m sure exhausted and jet lagged. I’m dying to write him and once again put my efforts into him visiting me out here! I just want to see his adorable face in person. It kills me to know there’s this great guy out there and we could potentially have a great relationship, but he’s across the country, in a completely different world than me. Ugh. How completely and utterly unfair.

Alright, I’ve spent way too many hours in this coffee house. I know there are other important things I should be doing today, but I have forgotten what they are…I’m going home.

Independent Woman!

February 28, 2009.

Well, I’ve been extremely positive, but haven’t found him yet…I can smell him though, he’s comin’ and he sure smells good. Ha, that doesn’t sound quite right.

Last night while on set of “My Boys”, I was told I have the prettiest eyes [he’s] ever seen. He was not it. He was very polite and nice, but not it. Kind of awkward. But awkward could be good, I suppose.

But hey, look out world, it’s the end of February and that means two months celibate for me! Wow! There were a few close calls in there and the nights not over yet, but I made it!

I’m worried that I’m getting so used to being alone that I’m not gonna want to be with anyone when the time comes. It just leaves me so free and open to do what I want. Right now it’s the middle of a Saturday and I’m sitting at Cheesecake Factory by myself with a cup of coffee and salad on the way. It feels good to be independent. Really good. I suppose I don’t have to lose the independence when I start dating, but I’ll just have to find a guy who doesn’t mind an independent woman. In LA? That’s a joke.

Will, from Florida comes back to the states either tomorrow or Monday, I’m not sure which, but I’m dying to see him. It’s been 7 months. I’m sure he’s just as cute as ever, I just want to squeeze him and give him a big wet kiss.

I feel like Miguel and Lee have made me a charity case and are trying desperately to set me up with someone, even though they don’t know anyone that lives in California, “But they might be moving out here!” I don’t want people to make it their mission to find me a mate. I want to find him on my own and naturally. I don’t want anything to seem forced or contrived.

I’m all over the map today, as you can clearly see, but for now, the search is still on, but I don’t like the term “search”, makes me sound a little desperate, how about…my independence still reigns! I like the sound of that!

Not just another Valentine's Day...

February 14, 2009.

Ah…Valentine’s Day. What a lovely day for singles to be single…you all know. It blows. Unless, you make the most of it! I had been planning on spending the day alone and turning down any invites I was to receive, even though my horoscope advised otherwise.

However, last night just as I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message from Ray. So odd, because I was just thinking about him. He suggested we go see the “The Wrestler” like we’d been planning the past few weeks. I decided it was now or never.

So this morning after I dropped Lindsay off at the airport and said goodbye (sniffle, sniffle), I called Ray and set up a movie date for 12:05. Went for a run, showered, dressed real cute and drove off at 12:20pm. Ray was late because he went to pick up a beautiful rose for me. Too sweet. When he got here, I couldn’t help but be shocked by how cute he is. He’s so much older than I am, but his Australian accent makes it okay somehow. (He’s 38…14 year difference, yikes!)

We didn’t make the movie, so he decided to take me to the best burger in L.A. A little joint in NoHo called Classy Jack’s. They were very good burgers and the guy who runs the place loves RAY. It was charming. Then we headed to the AMC in Burbank to catch the 2 20pm. The movie was incredible and incredibly sad. It was a bit gory as well and at each sight of blood Ray would bury his head in my arm. He couldn’t take it. After the movie, I was exhausted, but Ray didn’t want the day to end. So he drove me around the equestrian district where he lives in Burbank and showed me the horses. Then he suggested getting some coffee and going to the observatory at Griffith Park. I really didn’t want to do that. The last time I was there was with Pat…the 36-yr. old I dated for a short while. Something about older men in L.A…I don’t know.

Anywho, we ended up going to a coffee place in Burbank. It was super nice and we enjoyed blended mocha’s and delicious desserts and talked for three hours. He’s just great. The most positive person I’ve ever met. The only thing that made me wary about him was how he kept telling me that he cuts people out of his life when they disappoint him or do something he objects to morally, which I agree with, but when he described one of the reasons for cutting someone out of his life, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it was totally right.

Other than that, he’s fantabulous. The age thing is really the only thing that bothers me. I wish perhaps I was older or he was younger. I definitely find him attractive and couldn’t help but think about kissing him. He doesn’t seem 38, but when guys my age would pass me by, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d always be hoping for someone closer to my age.

Hmm, well he dropped me off around 8 30, gave me an amazing hug goodbye and told me that he wants to do this again. So do I! He just makes me smile uncontrollably. He’s great. Even if nothing sexual ever happens between us, I really want him as a friend in my life.

Once home, I ran to Ralph’s and grabbed some veggies, bread and wine. Came home and made a beautiful little platter of veggies and dip, brie cheese and rye bread with garlic olive oil to dip it in. Poured myself a cup of wine and put in only the best movie ever, “Ghost”. Always makes me cry. Love it.

All in all, I’ve had a terrific Valentine’s Day, especially for being single. I spent the day with a great guy, enjoyed being alone and had Will and my band member send me lovey dovey messages.

Life is good. I’m gonna go grab another glass of wine and finish watching ‘Ghost’ before my roomies come home. Night.

Where are all the Good Men Hiding??

February 13, 2009.

Ugh. Can’t wait for the day I get to write about a great guy. I just can’t seem to win. Yesterday we had the day off, so Lindsay and I decided to take a bus to Universal Citywalk and do some drinking. We hit up the Mexican restaurant and had margaritas and chips and salsa. Then at 4pm we headed to the second floor where there were 3.50 beers for happy hour. How could we resist?

After our first round of beers we decided to see where Liam was. We knew it was his day off, and we figured, we could use the ride back home…I know kinda bitchy. I was still peeved about the previous couple of days he bailed on us. But he came and as soon as he walked through the door, he was adorable and I couldn’t help but be happy he was there.

Then things just felt kind of strange and the more drunk I became, the more irritated I became with Lindsay and Liam. The bartender kept making eyes at me, so I played along. He was pretty cute…could’ve been the beer goggles though. And after two beers I ordered my third and he said, “Tell you what, this one’s on my tab as a welcome to California.” I thanked him. I had told him earlier that I had just moved, cuz I still have my NY I.D. and he wondered about it.

Well, apparently this free drink upset both Lindsay and Liam. A little later, Liam took a crack at me and said something about how if we all go out after, the bartender should come so I can flirt with him. And when Lindsay ordered her next drink, it was not “on the house” and she was not impressed. The thing that was bothering me about Lindsay is that she just wants anyone and everything and anyone and everything to want her. She blatantly said this earlier. And hey, I’m all for flirting and hook ups and having a fun time, but oh my god, don’t think that just because you throw sex at the men in the room it means they’re yours. Leave someone for the rest of us.

I’m not a competitive person. If a friend of mine speaks up and tells me of a crush they have, I completely back down. I’m not about to fight for the guy. The friendship is so much more important. And I would expect the same from my friends. Of course, if the guy is clearly not attracted to me and much more into my friend, I’m not gonna stand in the way. But just don’t try and be more flirtatious and cuter and more fun after I tell you I like someone. Oy.

I’m so over the dating scene here. Anywho, we neared the end of our stay at the Brewery. I was four beers and one margarita in and pretty drunk. I ended up picking up the check, it was fairly cheap for everything we got and I left my number on the check…don’t know if the bartender saw it yet or not, but maybe I’ll find out in a couple of days.

We headed back to my apt so we could change before going out and meeting up with one of Liam’s friends at another bar. I really had no desire to go out anywhere else. I was wasted and extremely tired. The time we spent at my apt is blurry to me, but the moments I do remember are these: At one point, Liam went into my room and checked out my bed…just sprawled out on it. I so badly just wanted to jump on top of him, but I was in the other room with Margaret and Lindsay and he didn’t stay long enough in there for me to work up the nerve. Then I remember he was in the living room, Margaret and Lindsay were in Margaret’s room and I went into my room and passed out on the bed. I heard my door creak open and Liam say, “I knew it!” So, I got up and changed for the third time and joined him in the kitchen where I complained about being tired and we hugged for a nice long time and he said, “This is nice.” Then we were on the love seat in the living room looking through music on Lindsay’s comp. It was nice and cozy. After that, I changed into my final outfit of the night and we headed to a bar called ‘The Baked Potatoe’. I was falling asleep the whole way there in the car. Liam kept looking over and asking if I wanted coffee. I didn’t want coffee, I wanted to sleep.

We went inside and Liam was buying the drinks and I didn’t want anymore, so he ordered me a jack and coke anyway…ugh. I didn’t drink it at all. What is with guys always wanting me to be drunker? Liam disappeared and I guess was networking with some guy he’s trying to get a job with. I sat with Lindsay for a bit, then she disappeared to have a cigarette. I was tired, lonely and upset. I wanted to go home. I text Adain. He didn’t even ask questions just said, “Stay put, I’m coming to get you.” Then Liam showed up and put his arm around me and said, “You wanna get out of here?” and I nodded. Then I thought he said, “Ok, I’m just gonna go get my card.” But perhaps he said, car not card. I’m not sure. All I know is that I was sitting alone for a very long while, Lindsay came and asked if I was ok, I shook my head and said, “Adain’s coming to get me, you can leave with us or you’re more than welcome to stay.” She said, “I’m leaving with you, let me just use the restroom.” Well, then I was alone again for a good long time and Adain called and said he was out front. Lindsay was nowhere in sight, I went to the ladies room to get her and she wasn’t there. So I met Adain out front and called Lindsay. She apparently was out back…with Liam. What the fuck? I thought he was getting ready to leave and I thought she was just quickly using the restroom. I didn’t even know there was an “out back”. So we left with Adain.

I stayed in the car with Adain for awhile and chatted. Then we said our good-byes and I came in and went right to bed. A couple min’s later Adain text me. He wanted to sleep over…I wanted him to. So, he came back. I told him before he even got here though, that there would be no sex. We cuddled, made out, got nakey and of course, he tried to have sex with me, but I stayed strong. No sex. It was much more natural feeling being with him this time than it was 5 months ago.

He stayed for a bit this morning and we chatted more. He caught be up on his latest relationship fumble and I told him how I had thought Liam was the first normal guy I’d liked and he’s turned out to be the most unreliable alcoholic I’ve ever met. I’m so disappointed. But, Adain and I seem to be good, even with all the awkwardness that happened between us. He invited me to join him tomorrow (on Valentines Day) at Big Bear where he and his friends are going skiing tonight and tomorrow. I said no. Still planning on spending V-day at home with some great home cooked meal and champagne…perhaps though I’ll skip the champagne. Alcohol lately has not been proving to be a good thing in my life.

Argh! I’m so frustrated!!! Why can’t there be one nice, normal male in my life who likes my mind as well as my body. I’m really beginning to lose all hope of ever having a relationship again.

Coffee Jitters

January 12, 2009.

As I entered my favorite coffee shop, I over heard the boy at his laptop saying to his friend, "I just want a cute girl I can watch horror movies with, is that too much to ask?" I think it is too much to ask here in L.A. I just want a cute guy I can cuddle with, go out to coffee with, go to the beach with, go running with. Is that too much to ask?

Went to extra work this morning, met a few people, but I think I'm learning how not to attract guys. Be completely uninterested, immerse yourself in a book or magazine, don't laugh at their jokes and rarely smile in their direction. I still manage to make friends, but it's just that...friends and not lovers. I like it. It's a feeling of power.

I really do want a boyfriend though. I just need a friend, really. It's so hard in L.A. to be alone, all the time. I'm finding though that I'm enjoying my roommates more. Recently they've come out of their couple shell and they feel more like friends to me then they have all year. It's nice. Last night when I got home, we just sat and chatted, no tv, no video, just the three of us sharing stories with one another.

Well, I think unfortunately, tonight is going to be an eventless evening. I have some shopping at Target and then perhaps I'll go catch a movie, by myself. Nice. I'll update later if anything super exciting is to occur!