Not the end...but the BEGINNING.

September 12, 2009.

So, I've reached a major decision. I am finished with this blog. I realized something scary today. I've spent the last 255 days of this year focusing on men when all I wanted to do was have a year without them. I've given the men in my life too much credit and too much opportunity to rule my emotions. They don't deserve this much responsibility and neither do I. Therefore, I would like to spend the next 110 days of my year focusing on me. My likes, my dislikes and what makes me happy.

I won't stop blogging. I'm starting a new blog and titling it “The last 110 days”. My goal is for the rest of the year, each and every day I am going to try something I've never tried before. Hairstyles, makeup, clothing, food, socializing, books, etc and so forth. I hope you will tune in to my new blog and I hope you enjoy it 110% more than this one.

Someone just informed me today that this blog just “sounds so sad” and they were absolutely right. Because I'm putting all my energy and focus into what makes me sad...my relationship with men. So now I'm moving forward and putting all my energy and focus into what makes me happy...my relationship with myself. Hopefully 110 days are enough to restore the person inside, who I know is waiting so anxiously to get released from jail!

Thank you my loyal followers for being so friendly, helpful, supportive and non judgmental!

Not Interested?

September 12, 2009.

Ugh. I had a mini internal breakdown last night.

Had an audition yesterday in Burbank right smack in the middle of rush hour. So afterwards, instead of heading all the way back to M.B. in that awful traffic, I headed to the Oaks where Nikki and Lacey were at work, so hang out and wait for traffic to clear.

When I got there our friend Maf was there. We know him through one of Nikki's ex's and he's just an awesome guy. Him and Nikki went on a few dates, but decided friendship was a better idea and he's one of the rare and wonderful guys that actually meant that.

So, I chatted with him at the bar for a bit. He's like this crazy master at reading people and as soon as I walked in he goes, “How're the boys?” and I gave him this look apparently and he said, “Wow! You are just so not interested in guys right now.” And I got all worked up and started passionately arguing that I am interested, it's the guys who aren't interested in me.

But then, later on the drive back down to M.B. it hit me. I don't think I am interested in guys right now. At least not any of the guys that L.A. has to offer. And I think that's my whole problem. I go through the motions of being interested, because, well, that just seems like what I'm supposed to do. Everyone else is flirting, and drinking and hooking up and having one night stands...isn't that what I should do too?

But here I am going through the motions, but I'm sending out this vibe to every guy that comes in contact with me that I'm not interested. Subconsciously. Without even realizing it. I'm turning men away.

Wow.

Lacey and I had decided to go out to Mucho's that night with Goofball and his whole clan. We did a little pre-gaming at the apartment and then met up with them on their walk down to the bar. They're fun guys. We got to the bar and had a drink and did some dancing and one of their friends who was with them was chatting me up and seemed really interested and then, just disappeared.

Oh well, I was just being friendly. I danced a bit more and hung with Lacey. Then I went to go get us another round of drinks and was standing at the bar for a ridiculous amount of time waiting to be noticed while the bartender kept waiting on people that were there after me. I have no patience for bad customer service. Even if you're working a very crowded bar, fucking pay attention to the girl that's been staring at you holding out her credit card for the past twenty minutes. So, when that happens to me I refuse to give that business my money. I walked away. That's when I realized i'm just over it.

I'm over the games.
I'm over the guys.
I'm over the drunkenness.
I'm over the one night stands.
I'm over the trying to be noticed.
I'm over the hoping it'll turn out to be meaningful.
I'm over standing there like an idiot because I have no interest in striking up a conversation with anyone around me.
I'm over pretending to be like everyone else.

There was one moment I was an absolute complete bitch to one of the drunk guys there and if that guy ever reads this, I do apologize. I was just so OVER IT.

He walked over and started chatting with me and Lacey and he goes, “Hey, where you guys from?”

Without even looking at him, I go, “Nowhere you've heard of.”

“Try me! I know lots of places!”

Lacey chimes in, “She's from Kansas.”

Drunk guy, “What? I know Kansas, I'm from there too! What part?”

Me still not looking his way, “You wouldn't know.”

Drunk guy, “You're right, I'm not actually from there, I'm a liar.”

Me, “Yeah, you all are [liars].”

Lacey starts laughing at this point. Then I pretend like I'm about to puke, thinking the guy can't really see me. But apparently I wasn't as sly as I had thought, so he goes, “Well, I'll leave you girls alone, I hope it wasn't the sight of me that was making you want to throw up.”

And that's when I realized I was being a bit too bitchy (I swear I'm not always like that) and so I said, “Oh, no! I'm sorry, she (pointing at Lacey) made me do a shot of whiskey and it always makes me want to puke!”

Drunk guy, “Well, have a good night!”

Yeah, that was pretty low. I just get in these moods where I don't want any guy to even approach me because no matter what comes out of his mouth, I won't believe it.

I'm so jaded now. I wish I weren't.

I walked home alone because Lacey was trying to spend more time with Beans and I just needed to get out of there and I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I text four guys trying to find someone who was awake that I could talk to on my way home, because it's a little scary anywhere you are walking home alone. I text: Drummer, Seattle, Adain, and Pete. Ugh. I really wish I hadn't.

And thank God I don't have “the ex”'s number anymore because I really considered dialing it last night. That would've been an absolute disaster.

Don't know if I'll be going to bars again anytime soon. It's just so hard. How do you be social without seeming like you're out there to be hit on? And without being an absolute bitch?

Oy, work tonight will at least keep my mind off of things. I hope.

No Prospects.

September 10, 2009.

Lonely. I kept looking at my phone today wondering why I have no calls and no text messages from any boys. No one for that matter. I live with my two best girls out here, so of course I have no messages from them. But, no prospects are texting me, calling me, seeing what I'm up to. I've managed to turn off, piss off, or push away every single guy that is or ever has been attracted to me. WTF?

I just want one that's genuinely interested...is that too much to ask??

I was reading my horoscope today for the month and yes I do like to read it but no, I don't let it determine my life. But let's watch and see. It predicted that September was going to be a very hard month...the 17th especially. Something drastic is going to happen which may make me depressed. And as far as love goes, I may meet someone older, only this time “the age difference doesn't bother either one of us” or I may meet someone that doesn't live here “only this time it works out.” I read that and I exclaimed, “Fuck my life!!”

I don't want an older guy and I don't want any more long distance. I just want someone my age who's looking to enjoy life, have fun, fall in love for a bit and lives in the general area.

Ok horoscope...hope you're wrong!

Today was my day off, but I spent the whole day in doctors offices. Blah. I hate being a responsible adult sometimes. It just kind of blows.

Alright. I got nothin'. Updates tomorrow.

Feeling at Home.

September 9, 2009

Today was pretty sweet. I woke up bright and early to go to my first official meeting for the new restaurant in M.B. It made me feel so much better about my living sitch and about my money sitch. I think it's gonna take a lot of stress off of me. Super, super excited to start working down here!

Then I went to the mall with Nikki and Roger, got my eyebrows threaded (which is awesome, btw, if you've never had it done before, it's sooo much better then waxing!), bought some new jeans and spent money I shouldn't have spent.

Then hung out at the apt until work, carpooled there with Roger and made absolutely no money this evening. There was no one there. I had a total of about 7 tables in the 5 hours that I was there and only one of them was a 4 top...in restaurant speak, that's pretty bad.

I've made some awesome plans with one of my co-workers though. We're gonna set up weekly meetings with one another to motivate ourselves to further our acting careers. I'm pretty stoked! Our first meeting is next friday and our goal for next week (we're gonna set a goal for each week) is to buy a book recommended by one of my acting teachers and have started reading it by next Wednesday. It's a book about confidence...that thing that makes the great actors really shine. We both could use some of that these days. I just think this will really help us both stay active and keep hustling until we are the next Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. (I know that was a really random reference, but I admire those actresses because they both made a living doing what they love and I feel remained true to themselves the entire time.)

Well...now that my career and my job seem to be falling nicely into place, I'm still missing the man. But, I've heard often enough, you can't have it all!

I've been thinking about M2 and how I really, truly enjoyed the very short time I spent with him and do hope that he contacts me sometime. We didn't exchange numbers...I just always feel now like, what's the point?

It just leads to false hope that they'll call or stay in touch. Bullshit. I have tomorrow and Friday off, so I hope I get into some trouble. I'm lookin' for it!

I'll update tomorrow!

Keep your dreams big and keep chasing them! One day you're bound to succeed or at the very least get further than you ever imagined!

M Squared...

September 8, 2009.

Well! I was definitely on a mission last night. I wanted to make out! We spent the whole day at the beach, which was awesome, getting drunk, which was awesome, then came back to our apartment to eat some fish and drink some more.

We had a blast and we had quite a collection of people come down to hang out. It was nice though, because they all came at different times, so it was never too many people.

Adain swung by and it was really nice to see him. We were chatting in my room and I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to kiss him. I think he was thinking the same thing because shortly after that thought passed through my mind he hopped over to sit on the bed with me. Then we just sort of started cuddling and I was rubbing his back and it was just sweet. Then eventually he kissed me. It was funny because, we've kissed before, but it definitely felt like a first kiss, since it's been so long.

I was really enjoying my snuggle fest with Adain, but it was about 8pm and we had all decided to go out to Hermosa last night, and I knew I'd regret it if I didn't join the group. As much as I loved the thought of spending the night next to Adain, I chose my friends. He had just gotten off a long weekend of work, so he was too exhausted to go out with us. I told him he could just crash here and I'd see him when I got back, but he had to go back to Venice where he'd been staying and collect his belongings. Oh well.

So we headed to Hermosa which started out pretty badly. It was empty and most everything was closed. But we eventually ended up in Patrick Malloy's. Lacey's Drummer had taken her car because he had to go back to his place to get something and he was bringing a friend back with him...

So L's drummer and his friend, M2(squared), met us back in Hermosa. We were calling him M2 because they have the same name...so we needed some distinction. I was digging M2 and I am single, so even though I had kissed Adain earlier that evening, I wasn't about to miss out on this opportunity. I know...back to my old habits.

Well, M2 was apparently digging me as well, so we didn't try to mask our attraction.

Oh gosh, but before he got there, Mike from work had been hanging with us all day and he is just the worst when he's drunk. He's an ass. Since Nikki and Lacey both pretty much had guys with them, I was the only “available” hook up. Of course, the fact that I'm totally not interested in him didn't phase him. He was convinced it was gonna happen. So at this last bar we went to, I got a case of the hiccups so he grabs me and says, “This'll take care of that for you!” and he goes in to kiss me. So I turned my head and he kissed my cheek. And he was still holding onto me and I was trying to get him off of me and I was saying, “No, Mike, I don't wanna kiss you!” And then the next thing I knew his tongue was jammed down my throat.

I pushed him off of me and walked away, Nikki and Lacey had seen it and were freaking out. Yup...Mike raped my mouth. Disgusting. I was pissed. Apparently he'd been saying to Lacey all night, “Yup, Irene wants me...we have a past.” So gross.

Well thank goodness for M2. He was there to protect me. He was very sweet. He's from Minnesota and was out here on business, so alas, nothing is going to come of it, but it was fun!

We all came back to the apt at who knows what time, and Lacey and her drummer, M2 and I decided to go skinny dipping in the ocean...again, clothes coming off. This is becoming a theme. I can't let that keep happening.

Well, the four of us ran down there, stripped down and ran into the water. It was so much fun! Then we ran back to the apartment and I just remember M2 going, “I need to shower!” So I grabbed two towels and said, “Ok, let's go shower!”

So we showered together and made out and it was all sorts of fun, then we climbed into my bed nakey, made out some more and yes, got our groove on. Yet again, I have to reset my counter, but I have to say 38 days...not so bad!

This morning when I woke up, I tried to piece everything together. M2 and I chatted for a bit. He's really a nice guy. I like him. More than I was expecting to. Unfortunately, I ended up having to drive him to the airport at noon because his flight plans changed. He was supposed to be here all day and leave at midnight. Bummer.

Things that were pretty cute of him:

-He asked to see my headshots...(really??)
-After round 2 this morning he looks at me and goes, “well, that was kind of random.”
-He tried to give me money for gas since I took him to the airport and didn't have much so he said he was gonna send me money. I told him I wouldn't accept that and he said, “Ok, well then I'll buy you dinner next time I'm out here.” I smiled and said, “Deal.”
-He kissed me on the cheek and said, “It was nice meeting you!”

Why does the Midwest have to keep all the good ones??? It's just not fair.

Lacey called me a couple hours ago and informed me that her drummer is no more. She asked him today to define what they were and he said, “I just don't have time in my life for a relationship right now.”

What does that mean?????????? I mean, what've you been doing? You've been taking time to come hang out in Manhattan Beach, you've been sleeping over, you've been having her sleepover, isn't that just as much time as a relationship would take up?

Guys out here are just idiots. Sucks, cuz L's drummer was a lot of fun and I liked them together. And, I have to admit, I was regaining hope that there might be someone for me too, if Lacey's and Nikki can both find some good ones, there's gotta be one out there for me! But, maybe not.

Adain was gonna come hang out today, but plans changed. I ended up running around a bit after the airport. I'm kind of glad that he didn't come because I think he was really just expecting and wanting to have sex, and I didn't really want to. And I know this sounds terrible, but I probably would have because otherwise I would've felt like a tease. Not that I told him I was gonna have sex with him, but I think that's what we were both thinking about last night when we talked about making plans today.

Well, my life is back to normal. No stable guys. Whatev's, I guess I just don't have time for a relationship right now...

When does the Party Stop?

September 7, 2009.

Happy Happy Labor Day!

So, basically, I didn't post yesterday or the day before because my life has been one nonstop party since I've returned to Manhattan Beach interspersed with a bit of work here and there.

I got back at 8:30pm friday night and Laurie dropped me at home and had to run because he was off to hang with Madrid. Then I received a text from Lacey saying, “Get ready! We're going out!” So I got a little dolled up and waited for Lacey and Nikki to get home from work. We called up the boys we had met the first night and they were out at a walkable bar so we met them there.

One of them stopped when they saw us and goes, “Oh, are you the Dong Bongers??” Oh man, I hope we're not forever called that, but it was pretty hysterical. Well, we drank beer did some shots and headed to another bar called Beaches cause the girls wanted to dance.

It ended up being the three of us, Goofball and one of his friends that we just met that night. Goofball is so damn funny. He's 26 but definitely looks older and I swear that his mission in life is to just get wasted. Screw the hot girls that dancin' up on him and just give him that damn beer!

After Beaches we walked back to our place because Gb was dying to hit the dong bong again. On the way we walked on the beach...it was pretty awesome. Gb gave me a piggyback ride for a bit and then I remember us running for some reason back to the apartment. I don't know why we felt the urge...we just did.

And Lacey felt the urge to strip down...yup, into her skivvies. It was awesome. We have a pretty badass pic of it, and i'll post it when and if I get her permission to. When we got back to our place I decided it was my bedtime and I just went straight for bed. I'll admit, I was sort of hoping Gb would come cuddle, but really only because I've been dying to cuddle with someone. It's been sooooo long!!!

But, he was a good boy, didn't try anything and was more interested in the Dong Bong, which we have now deemed his girlfriend, since, he is so in love with it, he would probably marry it.

Yesterday, Lacey and I went shopping in preparation for this evening's activities and then laid out on the beach. Goofball, Beans and Alan met up with us. They're really cool guys and I'm glad we've met them already.

Lacey has quite the crush on Beans and I'll be honest. It kind of upset me cause, I do too. And I always choose my ladies over guys, so after she admitted that, I knew I couldn't do anything about it. Plus, I'm not about to compete or show off for a guys attention, so I just kind of laid low.

I had to work yesterday and was so anxious to get cut so that I could go party with the girls back in M.B. Unfortunately, even though I got off fairly early I had a snag in the road...my tire went flat. It was inevitable, I had hit it pretty bad a few months ago and had a bump in it, so it finally couldn't handle the stress. Ugh. I pulled off into a hilton parking lot and called the girls. I just didn't know what to do. I don't have AAA anymore and I don't know how to change my tire (I know, typical girl). So Lacey and Nikki showed up to help because Nikki does know how to change a tire (I know, badass girl), and when they showed up I had just about every Valet there trying to help me. It was ridiculous. The whole thing took about two hours because first, we couldn't get the spare out of my trunk. We had to break a piece off to get it out. Then the lugnuts on that particular tire were different than my others, so we needed a special rachet, which no one had, of course. Then when AAA finally showed up they forgot the proper tools, so they had to go back get it. ARRRRGGGGHGGHHH! It was so frustrating.

Finally, we got the spare on and were able to head to M.B. to start our festivities.

I drank...a lot. I just went for it. Balls to the wall. Then we headed out to more walkable bars and I proceeded to just get wasted.

I was supposed to hear from North last night, but of course, he's MIA. I just think I have to be done. No more chances. Things with guys shouldn't be this forced or hard to achieve. So, Lacey's drummer showed up last night and brought a few people with him. They weren't very fun. So, once again on the walk home, Nikki and I decided this time that we would strip down to our skivvies. I only ran around in my bra and jeans, but Nikki pulled a Lacey and was in her bra and undies. Awesome. Then Nikki and I decided that we didn't want the rest of the group to catch up to us, so we sprinted home.

I don't know what it is about M.B. but it brings out the stripping marathon runners inside of us. Ridiculous!

Today is just gonna be one long day of partying as well...i just made myself a wine smoothie and am about to head to the beach! Hope ya'll have a great labor day too!

Flying "home".

September 4, 2009.

I'm f*ing freezing!!!!! I'm flying back to L.A at the moment and trying so hard not to shake from how cold it is on this damn plane. I hate flying.

Well, it turns out that Laurie is picking me up from the airport. Not what I was expecting, but a pleasant surprise. Drummer had responded with, “Ah, I would but I'm gonna be in Santa Barbara!” and Laurie responded with, “What airport and what time?”. Of course, there was no response from North.

Lacey was totally willing to come grab me, but she's gonna be at work, so Laurie is a sweetheart and he said that he's gonna be in the area and he'll come get me. Yay! No cab fee! It's funny because I totally wanna buy a round of drinks to thank Laurie or something, which costs money, but for some reason it just seems like a better way to spend my money than on cab fare.

I dreamt about Drummer last night. I dreamt that it was tomorrow and he came over to hang out and we were talking and got real close and we kissed. Sweetly and innocently. Don't even think there was any tongue involved. Then, in my dream it was just assumed that he'd be sleeping over, so he climbed in my bed and for some reason I had to finish something I had been doing earlier. And then, the next thing I knew I was finally ready for bed, but it was 8am and Drummer was getting up to go do something. So, I had completely missed my opportunity to snuggle that boy all night.

Strange dream.

So I daydream about North and my subconscious dreams about Drummer in the night. Dream analysis anyone?

I also dreamt in that same dream that Jess hadn't moved away because she had a disagreement with her boyfriend and she was still living in L.A. and owned a Llama. Perhaps, my mind was just being creative last night. Who knows!

I believe I'm still going to see Drummer tomorrow night. I have no idea what the plan is for tomorrow yet, but I hope whatever happens will be fun. I need adult fun. Not sex, but flirting and drinking and swearing and maybe a little making out. That would be fun.

Man. Being an “adult” is a funny thing. You have all the freedom in the world to do whatever it is you want. So why do some choose to do things that make them unhappy?

I want to be an actress. At least that's what I've told myself my entire life. Then how come when I think about going back to acting class next week, I get nervous and want to postpone for another few weeks. Yes, there's the money issue. I don't have any. But, I know that my teacher would let me write her an I.O.U. if I needed. So, what's scaring me or holding me back from having the life I've always wanted?

I have an audition coming up on Sunday. I'm happy to have an audition right when I get back because I get too comfortable when I'm away from this competitive grueling acting scene. I need to dive right back in, hence the reason I should not take a week off from my acting class. I need to go right back in, have my butt kicked by my teacher, get better at this thing I supposedly love and supposedly want to do for the rest of my life and freaking make a name and career for myself!!!!! Just do it!!!

Alright, so that was more a little pep talk I needed for myself. I hope that helped, Irene. Get back on track and hustle!

This blog was a bit random, but these are the things that go through my head while in a state of half awakeness on this long flight back to my future in L.A.

The future can be quite intimidating.