Not Interested?

September 12, 2009.

Ugh. I had a mini internal breakdown last night.

Had an audition yesterday in Burbank right smack in the middle of rush hour. So afterwards, instead of heading all the way back to M.B. in that awful traffic, I headed to the Oaks where Nikki and Lacey were at work, so hang out and wait for traffic to clear.

When I got there our friend Maf was there. We know him through one of Nikki's ex's and he's just an awesome guy. Him and Nikki went on a few dates, but decided friendship was a better idea and he's one of the rare and wonderful guys that actually meant that.

So, I chatted with him at the bar for a bit. He's like this crazy master at reading people and as soon as I walked in he goes, “How're the boys?” and I gave him this look apparently and he said, “Wow! You are just so not interested in guys right now.” And I got all worked up and started passionately arguing that I am interested, it's the guys who aren't interested in me.

But then, later on the drive back down to M.B. it hit me. I don't think I am interested in guys right now. At least not any of the guys that L.A. has to offer. And I think that's my whole problem. I go through the motions of being interested, because, well, that just seems like what I'm supposed to do. Everyone else is flirting, and drinking and hooking up and having one night stands...isn't that what I should do too?

But here I am going through the motions, but I'm sending out this vibe to every guy that comes in contact with me that I'm not interested. Subconsciously. Without even realizing it. I'm turning men away.

Wow.

Lacey and I had decided to go out to Mucho's that night with Goofball and his whole clan. We did a little pre-gaming at the apartment and then met up with them on their walk down to the bar. They're fun guys. We got to the bar and had a drink and did some dancing and one of their friends who was with them was chatting me up and seemed really interested and then, just disappeared.

Oh well, I was just being friendly. I danced a bit more and hung with Lacey. Then I went to go get us another round of drinks and was standing at the bar for a ridiculous amount of time waiting to be noticed while the bartender kept waiting on people that were there after me. I have no patience for bad customer service. Even if you're working a very crowded bar, fucking pay attention to the girl that's been staring at you holding out her credit card for the past twenty minutes. So, when that happens to me I refuse to give that business my money. I walked away. That's when I realized i'm just over it.

I'm over the games.
I'm over the guys.
I'm over the drunkenness.
I'm over the one night stands.
I'm over the trying to be noticed.
I'm over the hoping it'll turn out to be meaningful.
I'm over standing there like an idiot because I have no interest in striking up a conversation with anyone around me.
I'm over pretending to be like everyone else.

There was one moment I was an absolute complete bitch to one of the drunk guys there and if that guy ever reads this, I do apologize. I was just so OVER IT.

He walked over and started chatting with me and Lacey and he goes, “Hey, where you guys from?”

Without even looking at him, I go, “Nowhere you've heard of.”

“Try me! I know lots of places!”

Lacey chimes in, “She's from Kansas.”

Drunk guy, “What? I know Kansas, I'm from there too! What part?”

Me still not looking his way, “You wouldn't know.”

Drunk guy, “You're right, I'm not actually from there, I'm a liar.”

Me, “Yeah, you all are [liars].”

Lacey starts laughing at this point. Then I pretend like I'm about to puke, thinking the guy can't really see me. But apparently I wasn't as sly as I had thought, so he goes, “Well, I'll leave you girls alone, I hope it wasn't the sight of me that was making you want to throw up.”

And that's when I realized I was being a bit too bitchy (I swear I'm not always like that) and so I said, “Oh, no! I'm sorry, she (pointing at Lacey) made me do a shot of whiskey and it always makes me want to puke!”

Drunk guy, “Well, have a good night!”

Yeah, that was pretty low. I just get in these moods where I don't want any guy to even approach me because no matter what comes out of his mouth, I won't believe it.

I'm so jaded now. I wish I weren't.

I walked home alone because Lacey was trying to spend more time with Beans and I just needed to get out of there and I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I text four guys trying to find someone who was awake that I could talk to on my way home, because it's a little scary anywhere you are walking home alone. I text: Drummer, Seattle, Adain, and Pete. Ugh. I really wish I hadn't.

And thank God I don't have “the ex”'s number anymore because I really considered dialing it last night. That would've been an absolute disaster.

Don't know if I'll be going to bars again anytime soon. It's just so hard. How do you be social without seeming like you're out there to be hit on? And without being an absolute bitch?

Oy, work tonight will at least keep my mind off of things. I hope.

Not just another Valentine's Day...

February 14, 2009.

Ah…Valentine’s Day. What a lovely day for singles to be single…you all know. It blows. Unless, you make the most of it! I had been planning on spending the day alone and turning down any invites I was to receive, even though my horoscope advised otherwise.

However, last night just as I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message from Ray. So odd, because I was just thinking about him. He suggested we go see the “The Wrestler” like we’d been planning the past few weeks. I decided it was now or never.

So this morning after I dropped Lindsay off at the airport and said goodbye (sniffle, sniffle), I called Ray and set up a movie date for 12:05. Went for a run, showered, dressed real cute and drove off at 12:20pm. Ray was late because he went to pick up a beautiful rose for me. Too sweet. When he got here, I couldn’t help but be shocked by how cute he is. He’s so much older than I am, but his Australian accent makes it okay somehow. (He’s 38…14 year difference, yikes!)

We didn’t make the movie, so he decided to take me to the best burger in L.A. A little joint in NoHo called Classy Jack’s. They were very good burgers and the guy who runs the place loves RAY. It was charming. Then we headed to the AMC in Burbank to catch the 2 20pm. The movie was incredible and incredibly sad. It was a bit gory as well and at each sight of blood Ray would bury his head in my arm. He couldn’t take it. After the movie, I was exhausted, but Ray didn’t want the day to end. So he drove me around the equestrian district where he lives in Burbank and showed me the horses. Then he suggested getting some coffee and going to the observatory at Griffith Park. I really didn’t want to do that. The last time I was there was with Pat…the 36-yr. old I dated for a short while. Something about older men in L.A…I don’t know.

Anywho, we ended up going to a coffee place in Burbank. It was super nice and we enjoyed blended mocha’s and delicious desserts and talked for three hours. He’s just great. The most positive person I’ve ever met. The only thing that made me wary about him was how he kept telling me that he cuts people out of his life when they disappoint him or do something he objects to morally, which I agree with, but when he described one of the reasons for cutting someone out of his life, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it was totally right.

Other than that, he’s fantabulous. The age thing is really the only thing that bothers me. I wish perhaps I was older or he was younger. I definitely find him attractive and couldn’t help but think about kissing him. He doesn’t seem 38, but when guys my age would pass me by, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d always be hoping for someone closer to my age.

Hmm, well he dropped me off around 8 30, gave me an amazing hug goodbye and told me that he wants to do this again. So do I! He just makes me smile uncontrollably. He’s great. Even if nothing sexual ever happens between us, I really want him as a friend in my life.

Once home, I ran to Ralph’s and grabbed some veggies, bread and wine. Came home and made a beautiful little platter of veggies and dip, brie cheese and rye bread with garlic olive oil to dip it in. Poured myself a cup of wine and put in only the best movie ever, “Ghost”. Always makes me cry. Love it.

All in all, I’ve had a terrific Valentine’s Day, especially for being single. I spent the day with a great guy, enjoyed being alone and had Will and my band member send me lovey dovey messages.

Life is good. I’m gonna go grab another glass of wine and finish watching ‘Ghost’ before my roomies come home. Night.