Not the end...but the BEGINNING.

September 12, 2009.

So, I've reached a major decision. I am finished with this blog. I realized something scary today. I've spent the last 255 days of this year focusing on men when all I wanted to do was have a year without them. I've given the men in my life too much credit and too much opportunity to rule my emotions. They don't deserve this much responsibility and neither do I. Therefore, I would like to spend the next 110 days of my year focusing on me. My likes, my dislikes and what makes me happy.

I won't stop blogging. I'm starting a new blog and titling it “The last 110 days”. My goal is for the rest of the year, each and every day I am going to try something I've never tried before. Hairstyles, makeup, clothing, food, socializing, books, etc and so forth. I hope you will tune in to my new blog and I hope you enjoy it 110% more than this one.

Someone just informed me today that this blog just “sounds so sad” and they were absolutely right. Because I'm putting all my energy and focus into what makes me sad...my relationship with men. So now I'm moving forward and putting all my energy and focus into what makes me happy...my relationship with myself. Hopefully 110 days are enough to restore the person inside, who I know is waiting so anxiously to get released from jail!

Thank you my loyal followers for being so friendly, helpful, supportive and non judgmental!

Re-Focus

July 30, 2009.

1:00am. About to go to sleep. Lots of jargon (hehe, I like that word and it's not used nearly enough) on my mind. I have my very best friend from college visiting me for the evening. She's asleep in the living room next to a man I've never met before and she's only known for a month, 90% of which she has been on a road trip across America with him.

He seems really nice and she seems really happy. That's all that matters.

It's funny how when you see old friends you realize how much you've changed. I mean when me and Kasey get together, it's like no time has passed at all, yet I feel like I'm different in many ways. It's a strange feeling.

Nikki and I are going to look at apartments down in Manhattan again tomorrow. I still haven't told my roomie that we're moving out in a month. I know, I need to...like tomorrow. He needs to know so that he can also start making arrangements. I guess I'm just freaked because I know this will not be the greatest of news to him and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I just hate disappointing people. It sucks.

But, I gotta look out for myself.

Todd text me tonight while I was at work: “When are you leaving to road trip up north?”

My response: “Well, we wouldn't be leaving until Sunday or Monday.”

No response from Todd.

I wanna be over it. I really do. But for some reason something just keeps me hanging on. Why is it that I just can't let go? I guess I just fear that we could have something really great and I could be just throwing it away...am I?

Befuddled. I think it's upsetting me so much because I actually care. I have feelings for Todd. I like him...a lot. It's just not going anywhere and I'm not sure it ever will.

**

So a funny thing about this blog is that I tell very little about myself other than my dating life and experiences with men. And I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't put so much focus on the man part from the beginning and just blogged about who I really am and what I really do, would I have been able to abstain and keep from dating this whole year? I think, yes. I think I would have found a deeper love for myself, since the focus would've been on me and how great I am (yes, I know, it sounds selfish and self-centered). I looked at this challenge all wrong, and now here I am halfway through my year, already failed my previous goal. Man, I'm a slow learner.

Now where does one go from here? Do I refocus my blog and tell you things you never knew about me? (Because, believe it or not, there are great things going on in my life that have nothing to do with men) or do I keep the focus on men because that's the theme and purpose of this blog? Then at the new year I can start a brand new blog with a brand new focus...

Opinions? Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Advice? Let me know!

On my mind...

June 23, 2009.


It's beautiful outside!!! What am I doing in still? Just wanted to blog quickly and shortly because I may not get to later today.

Things on my mind:

Todd
Seattle
The infamous ex
HSsweetheart

The boys that have made me who I am today. I keep feeling as if I want to get back in contact with the 'ex'. I don't know why lately, I just feel like reaching out and being friends again. I guess there's something there that I'm missing. Sometimes I think about our relationship and it's hard to believe it ever really happened...kind of like a really fucked up fairy tale. Still not sure if I want to open that can of worms yet. Not quite ready.

All day yesterday I kept wanting to text Seattle, “I miss you.” I do.

Then last night I dreamt about Todd. My dream was that he stopped in at my apt and brought like a whole football team with him. They were all expecting to spend the night and eat my food. I had no idea this was happening and was a bit pissed that Todd didn't inform me so that I could be better prepared. Despite the surprise I tried my best to accommodate everyone and make a delicious meal, but my efforts were null and void. I think I did cuddle with Todd in my dream though. Weird.

Saw a boy yesterday that reminded me of HSsweetheart. Made me miss him. That's another fairy tale I wouldn't mind revisiting someday.

Alright. Enough of the indoors! I'm ready to soak up some sun!

Seattle's crush...

June 22, 2009.

No movie with Todd last night. He didn't call me. I'm assuming he passed out when he got home, he was rather exhausted. Instead, I had a nice chat with Seattle.

I had shot him a text teasing him about reading my blog, so he called me. It was nice. It's funny because he asks “what's new?” but sort of already knows the answer because he does read my blog. However, my blog is only one very small fraction of my life: the part dealing with boys. I don't write about the other more important aspects that often.

The nice thing about Seattle though, is that he's genuinely interested in my life. I tell the most mundane stories and he finds them amusing. It makes me feel good. He seems to be extremely busy these days as well, but happy. That also makes me feel good. I don't know how he does it though. If Seattle had a blog about all the girls in his life, I would not be able to read it. I just kept thinking while on the phone, “Please don't talk about other girls...I don't want to know.” But, I suppose it's easier for him, because he's the one that needed out of the relationship where as I was still wanting to be with him.

Well, the conversation was nice, but at one point Seattle started having regrets, “Should I not have called?”

I don't know why he got nervous all of a sudden, because up until that point we'd been having a pleasant talk, with laughter and all that goes along with pleasantries. But I reassured him it was fine that he called. Then he told me he felt nervous and anxious talking to me.

I think it's cute. It means he still likes me (at least I hope that's what it means). He tried to explain that when he met me he felt the same anxiety, because I was “a very attractive woman” and he didn't think I wanted to be talking with him.

It's kind of funny, because when I first met Seattle, I felt that he was out of my league. So, I didn't try to hard to impress him, because, like I say, I don't chase. He was just so not typical of the types of guys I ever go for. But somehow, that's what made it work so well.

Well, I hope he still likes me. I want him to. It makes me feel good.

Unequal Relations...

May 19, 2009.
In the car on the way to the airport my sister and I were discussing how in most relationships someone tends to love the other person more than that person loves them. It can never really be equal. Is this true? Is there no equality in relationships, ever? She admitted that she feels its true in her relationship. I won't say which way.

It makes me think about my past relationships and wonder who was I in those cases? I feel like in all cases I tend to be the one that loves less. Not on purpose, maybe I just subconsciously play it safe or perhaps I'm scared to let myself love more. Could be...

Walking to my terminal I couldn't help but think about what a fuck up I've been about the whole Seattle thing. I was not a graceful loser and now I have regrets. I have regrets because I feel as though I've blown out of the water any possible chance the two of us may have had in the future at reuniting. Now, I'm just that crazy b*tch who slept around right after and refused to be friends.

Ok, so that's an exaggeration on how it feels to be me right now. I thought about online dating again last night. Lacey does it. She uses some of the free websites and goes on lots of dates and leaves her options open. Lately she's gone on a few really great dates with the same guy. I still wonder though, does online dating really work?

My mom just told me a story about her best friend who's never had any luck in love. Most recently, she had been dating a guy for about three months, who she found online. He seemed great, talked about plans for them in the future, etc. Then, she found something he posted on craigslist. He was posing as a married man looking for a threesome and posting as a guy offering his services to married women who's “husbands just aren't cutting it.” Eww. Gross. And how does one hide all this information from the person they're most intimate with? How scary is that? And how's she supposed to trust anyone again?

I don't know, I still don't really like the idea of finding people online. They always come off better then they actually are. I should just post a craigslist ad for this blog with the note: “If what you read is a real turn-on and you still think I'm a decent person after all that honesty, then give me a call!”

I just want someone who makes me happy. Who makes me laugh. Who holds me when I cry. Who knows how to relax and have fun. Who's spontaneous and romantic and not afraid to do something a little wild that we can't really afford, but what the heck? We're young!

Ugh. Where is he already?

Tossing and Turning

May 14, 2009

I could not sleep last night. Got back from the bar around 1am and couldn't help but shoot a text to Seattle. I knew he was out with friends celebrating his last final exam being over and his second year of law school being finished:
“Hope you're having a great night. Missing you like crazy...hate this! On my way home, got an early morning, blah. Night.”

He text me back, “Me too, nite nite.” I was saddened by his response, because I expected a little bit more from him, even perhaps a drunk dial. I came home and saw that he had checked my blog. I figured that he was a little upset about me having set up a date with Todd.

My assumption was correct. I tossed and turned until 3:30, then woke up and noticed that I missed a text message from him:
“On my way home, wanting to drunk dial you but I know you have to get up early. I read the damn blog again and am extremely jealous, but I hope you have a fun date.”

Ugh. So, I responded: “Argh! Just got your text and so frustrated! I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning all night. All I wanted was a drunk dial from you, but figured those weren't kosher these days. Thought you were mad about my blog too.”

So he called. We chatted and I was happy to hear his voice. We talked for an hour and I learned that he thinks he's “broken” or “messed up” because of this situation. I still don't think he's convinced that he's not. I kept telling him it's completely normal for him to need time and space. There's nothing wrong or “messed up” about that. He really is wonderful.

Today I had a doctors appt to find out the results of my biopsy (yikes). He asked that I call and let him know how it went afterwards. We talked while he was on his way up to Vancouver to spend the day with his mom. He asked about my date tonight. But, he asked like a mature, caring friend, not a jealous ex-boyfriend. I know it's hard for him to think about it, but he's trying to be so good and wish me well.

He told me that he just hates the idea of me 'settling' and knows that there is a great guy out there for me. “You'll find him someday...” I said, “I already found him...”

Oy vay...anywho, I totally had my money on Todd flaking tonight. But, he called me while I was driving this morning to set up plans. He sounded excited. It was cute. We're meeting up later than I expected at 9:40ish and we're gonna get chinese takeout and watch a movie at his place. He called to see what movie I wanted to watch. Comedy! I need comedy!

He told me he wants to get at least 3 choices for me and he knows the perfect place to get food from. I'm happy to get to spend some time with him. I hope we're able to actually talk a little bit. I wanna crack his brain. It does make me feel a little weird though, because of course I still want Seattle and Todd is just sort of a distraction right now.

I hope he's not expecting me to sleep over. That is not my plan this evening. We shall see how the evening goes...wish me luck!


In other news I recieved an award from one of my wonderful followers, however, I'm not sure how to attach links to other blogs which I'm supposed to nominate...a little help? As soon as I figure it out, I will write down my nominees! Thanks Ali!

Lump in my throat

May 13, 2009

Oy. So Seattle read my 4:30 in the morning, overreacting, jumping to conclusions blog. It made him upset. He wrote me a long email and explained that he has no intention of getting together with 'Becks' or any other girl for that matter. I'm gonna give you a tid bit from the email, but not all of it, because it's just for me:

“Just know that I have never lied to you, and I have tried to explain myself as best as I can. I care about you more than I have probably expressed and I am so very sorry for ever hurting you and making you feel how I have. I know you mentioned early on that you were worried about me being ready for a relationship and I guess you were right. I was (am) just so infatuated with you that I wanted to be ready for a relationship.

I want to continue to take it one day at a time and see what happens between us, but I understand if you feel differently. Just please know that I had no intention of trying to get with you by saying or acting in some manner to deceive you. As much as I enjoyed being with you, I would take it back if I could, because I feel like you are upset that we did.

I have a sad feeling in my stomach that you are going to use this as a reason to move on and be with other people, and I understand that. Just know that you are an amazing person, and if I can’t be the one to be with you, some very lucky guy will eventually find you.”

I text him before going to work because I had 20min and I didn't want to have to wait until 11pm last night talk about things. He responded, “Sorry, now's not a good time. *sad face”. I knew this meant he was with Becks. I was pissed. I felt like he was choosing her over me. So I didn't text anything back until after he confirmed he had been with Becks and then I responded, “I figured. I'm at work. I'll call you tomorrow.” Because I just didn't think I could handle talking to him later.

But when I got home and read the email and knew that he had read my blog and saw that he had tried to gmail chat me and skype me...etc. I figured I owed it to him to talk. I care about him. I don't like to think I'm causing him pain.

We cried a lot. He admitted to me that it freaks him out how much he cares for me. He feels as though he's “falling in love with me.” Ditto. He just feels as if he's not ready for those emotions and not ready for the pain that comes along with those emotions when things don't work out.

I guess it's better to end it sooner than later...right? Well, we talked it all out and actually ended the conversation on a high note with a little sprinkling of laughter. We decided he shouldn't come visit anymore, it's just gonna be too hard. I already booked myself for tons of work/rehearsals that weekend, so I'll be busy and distracted (thank God).

It just hurts mainly because it's so good with him and the two main reason for not being together, really suck. 1)the distance 2)he's not ready to be in love again.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be loved and I'm ready to be in love. I miss it. It stinks that I found someone I believe that to be possible with and yet I can't have him. Totally blows. Ugh.

Well, on to distractions! I have a dinner date set up for tomorrow night with Todd. I wish I could be more excited about it, but really I'm gonna be sitting there the entire time wishing it were Seattle. I mean, I'm sure I'll have a pleasant time. But maybe it'll be the end for me and Todd. I'll realize he's just totally not right for me.

I told Seattle on the phone last night, “Take as much time as you need. Be single, enjoy yourself. But remain infatuated with me. I'm going to date, I'm going to be with other people. But as soon as you're ready...come and sweep me off my feet. Even if I'm with someone else, sweep me off my feet.”

I meant every word of that.

I need to Shower

May 6, 2009.

Day 2 of lying in bed/lounging around the house. Still a little sore, but definitely bearable. Talked to my cuz this morning who updated me on her relationship. Things are going well with them. They’re taking a roadtrip from Connecticut (where they go to school) all the way down to Atlanta, Georgia for a wedding in a couple of weekends. Makes me wish Seattle were here to take roadtrips with. How fun would that be?!

After we hung up, of course I had Seattle on the brain, so I text him, “I miss you!!!”

He responded: “Moi Aussi! Just woke up and wondering y u aren’t laying beside me…”

I wonder that every day, Seattle. I do.

Then we did a little flirtatious back and forth that I’m sure frustrated us both because we still have to wait until the 22nd (16 days) to fulfill those thoughts.

I’m determined to make my next trip back up to Washington sooner than a month after the 22nd. I don’t like this once a month thing. I need to see that boy more often. I do!

Ok, so Seattle always tells me that he worries that since he reads my blogs I withhold information, like what I dislike about him or what I’m really feeling about other things. I beg to differ. I’m still very open and honest (I admitted to googling his ex-wife, didn’t I?) But, I’ll try to think of something I don’t like about Seattle or our relationship and post it when it comes to me. This might take awhile…

Bad Dreams

May 2, 2009.

So, I blogged right before I went to sleep last night and I think it infiltrated my dream. I dreamt that Seattle and I had a big blow-out fight and broke up and during it all I could think was, “Man, how pathetic will that sound on my blog that we’re already breaking up?!” Ha. Wow. What a weird psyche I have!

Anywho, I can’t remember exactly what the dream fight was about. I wish I did remember, because maybe I’m nervous/upset about something I’m not admitting to myself. I do believe dreams have meaning, even if it means there’s something in your subconscious you’re not owning up to.

Hmm…maybe I’ll remember later today. I’ve got work all day, but then off to a party at Pete’s or perhaps a Halfoween party with my girls. It shall be interesting! I’ll update later this evening!

Jackpot...sort of.

April 29, 2009.

Just got back from an amazing hike and I’m feeling great (and exhausted)! My goal is to be in the shape that I wanna be in when Seattle arrives, late May. That would be perfect. Then I can wear sexy underwear for him with confidence and show him why I’m worth the wait!

Last night we chatted for a bit. One of our shortest convo’s in history, I do believe. But, he’s back at reading my blog, which I totally don’t mind, since our relationship is smothered with honesty, so most of what I say here he already knows. However, I wanted him to call and chat with me before reading yesterday’s blog, because I didn’t want him to get upset by anything I said without being able to talk about it and explain.

Let me just say. He’s incredible. He’s wonderful. He says all the right things. He’s so mature about everything. He’s so realistic. And he’s all mine. That’s the best part I think…

I always expect him to say something to me that’s going to turn me off and I’ll just be like, “Why are we attempting this ridiculous LDR again?” But each time a challenge comes our way, my white knight takes out his sword and slices off the head of that evil Dragon. He’s amazing.

I can’t help but talk about him to my girlfriends…probably too much. I told Nikki how we played “strip state capitols” when I was visiting him and she thinks it’s adorable. Frankly, so do I. I like that he’s got the wonderful combination of smarts and sexiness. Man…why’s my jackpot got to live so far away?

We discussed how I feel like he’s been more frustrated than usual with our situation. I reiterated the fact that I never want him to feel trapped by it or feel like he can’t talk to me and let me know if it is in fact getting too hard to deal. I’ll understand. I get it. I miss him like crazy. But he just reassured me that “There’s no other situation, besides living in the same city, that [he’d] prefer.” Way to go and say the perfect thing again! Ugh. Not fair at all!

I’m sending him a card with some pic’s in the mail today. Wish I could put a stamp on myself and arrive at his doorstep.

More updates to come!

Forgive Yourself

April 24, 2009.

Well, lots to say today. First of all. This was crazy. So, I was on the phone last night/early this morning (12:45 am) talking with Seattle. I had brought up the incident with Pete because it’s been on my mind a lot lately and it makes me really upset because I feel as though I betrayed his trust even before we began. It makes me feel shitty. I can’t stop apologizing.

Seattle’s wonderful and reassures me that it’s ok, it’s in the past and it was before we had “defined” our relationship. He just says it hurts that I didn’t tell him the whole truth about that night and he had to find out about it in a blog. I get it. It sucks. Well, we ended the conversation on a high note, but I couldn’t help but still be a little upset. I’m just mad at myself. Well, here’s the irony. Not more than two minutes after hanging up the phone Pete calls. I press the silencer and ignore it.

I have no need to hear what he has to say and if it’s important, he’ll leave a message. He leaves a message. I listen and I hear this sincerely sweet message saying, “Hey Colleen, it’s Pete, sorry, I think I missed your birthday by an hour. Um, if I didn’t then please excuse this message, but I think I did. I mean, uh, I’m in Syracuse right now, I had to fly home for something. Um, but I just woke up, I was asleep and I woke up and it’s four in the morning, I’m like ‘fuck, I think I missed Colleen’s birthday’ so I just figured I’d give you a call and maybe catch you out partying or something. But, you didn’t answer, so anyways I hope you had a good birthday if it was your birthday and I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

I wish I could put a tone of voice in this blog so you all could hear how endearing the message was. He sounds so vulnerable in it. Kind of broke my heart a little. Well, I didn’t call him back. I text him this morning and told him I got his message and he didn’t miss my birthday. It’s not till tomorrow. I know he flew home for a funeral, so I feel kind of guilty that I haven’t answered his phone calls. I worry that he needs a friend and I haven’t been much of one since that night. Ugh.

Anywho, today I tried to be uber productive and semi-succeeded. I had work this evening and towards the end of the night one of the regulars was seated at the bar and randomly asked, “Will you box with me?”

“Um, what kind of boxing?” I asked

“Like, we get into a ring, with gloves and everything, but topless.”

I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. We continued to have a rather ridiculous conversation about how much we would charge for people to come and watch and he said $35/ticket would be sufficient. I disagree! My breasts are more valuable than that. He referred to them as “cute”. Cute? He said, “That boy of yours in Seattle better be anxious to get back to LA for those!!” Oh man. Now, this guy is quite the character, so he wrote out how he feels about my breasts or “tittays” as he calls them, signed the piece of paper and had Nikki be his witness. Here’s what the document reads:

‘On this 24th day of April during the year of our assumed lord b*tches, 2009, A** M** aka Regular, swears on the value of his cock and balls that Irene Allison’s tittay’s belong in a museum right next to a picture of my salivating tongue.’

Signed: Regular
Witness: Nikki

Such is my life…thank goodness for good men like Seattle. That way I know I don’t have to settle for someone like Regular. Oy. He’s fun but absolutely crazy.

Chatted with Seattle on my way home from work. We always end up having such ridiculously long conversations. I love it. He’s the best. I once again brought up Pete. Because I told him how he had called. I can’t help it; it still is just really bothering me. But I think Seattle hit the nail on the head. It’s bothering me because I haven’t resolved it completely with Pete. We hooked up. I went home the next day and we’ve hung out since, but I’m always a little bitchy because that’s how I feel I need to be in order to set boundaries. I think I just need to talk it out with Pete. Assure him that it won’t be happening again, but I still really want our friendship. Then we can go back to normal.

Things I really like about Seattle:

 He’s mature enough to not say, “You can’t ever talk to Pete again, I really don’t want you guys being friends.”
 He gives me advice on what to say to Pete, tactfully and nicely
 He calls be “Beau Sourire”
 He called me twice tonight because, “texting wasn’t good enough”
 He likes to read really smart things
 He makes me want to be smarter/he challenges me
 He understands that I’m overly emotional due to pms and it doesn’t freak him out one bit

Wow. I’m a pretty lucky girl.

K, off to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow! Lots to do!

It Could Always Be Worse

April 8, 2009.

6:21pm. Just got back from a day of random shooting. Humph. I think my next blog shall be about my acting life. Perhaps I should begin it now. I’ve got some pretty good stories up my sleeve!

Anywho, haven’t heard from/spoken to Seattle yet today. Not surprisingly, he’s got school all day and is a busy man. I always just get kind of paranoid when we go a whole day without a text or something. I know…I’m just being silly.

My step-dad today got on the phone and asked, “So what’s in Seattle?” It begins…I feel like it’s ending even before it gets a chance to begin. I explained to my mom and step-dad our frustrations about not living near one another. It could always be worse. Mom reassures that flights are getting cheaper and S. Dad pipes in that we’ll be getting lots of air miles on our United Visa. Then they brought up my cousin whose boyfriend is moving to Australia for 3 yrs. Ok, so it definitely could be worse!

I so badly want to call Todd today and take him up on his offer of dinner and a movie, but I know I really shouldn’t. It’s not that I even really want to start anything with him, it’s just that he’s here and I’m still lonely.

Think tonight will be a lazy movie watching evening…we shall see. Adventure often calls at random times!

Missin’ Seattle bad…

Begin and End Period

April 8, 2009.

It’s 5:42am and I can’t sleep anymore. I went to bed semi early after a drunken phone conversation with Seattle where I proceeded to tell him that I haven’t had my period in a year because of the birth control I was on. Why that came up or was something relevant I felt I needed to say? Who knows…

Our phone conversations have turned into a series of sighs and moans. No, not in that sense! In the sense that we’re so frustrated by our situation that we no longer know quite what to say other than, “Why can’t you live here! Grrrr….” The count is down to 9 days. 9 days till I hop a flight and land in the arms of Seattle. I’m still very very excited, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Todd text me Monday night while I was at work suggesting we do dinner and a movie Tuesday (yesterday). I told him, “Tuesday’s kind of booked.” I had already made dinner plans with Pete, Lee, Miguel and Lil’ bro. And I thought of offering an alternative date, but then stopped myself. I stopped because I realized doing that would be leading Todd on. I don’t even know what’s really going on with me and Seattle and I don’t need to complicate my life anymore. I think that was a common trap I would fall into last year. I was never really attached to any one particular guy, so I would go on dates with many and then end up having two or more guys thinking I was their girlfriend. Not gonna happen again.

I feel also, that my mind is becoming mush. I think it’s due to my alcohol intake, lack of world news, i.e. t.v. and nonexistent reading habits. I need to get smarter!

Seattle and I were chatting aka sighing and grunting the other night and he said something about one of my past blogs. Apparently, I wrote something in there about not “needing” someone in my life, but “wanting” them in my life and he started mumbling something about him “needing” and stopped himself and said, “Ugh, we’ll talk about it when you get here.” That phrase has come up a lot these days…

Last night too, he said, “I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with you.” Me too!! It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with someone. I feel as though I’m destined to always be in weird situations where I don’t have a “normal” relationship. It’s pretty unfair.

Also, I realized just a few minutes ago that I do believe I will be having my period when I go visit him. Which I have to chuckle at because even if I had decided that I was going to give him my newly founded v-card, I couldn’t. I think I’ve decided though that I’m not going to. I’m going to remain abstinent. My reasons are, as much as I would enjoy making love to him, I would be much more satisfied with myself if I waited until I was in a more stable relationship. One where I wasn’t going to fly into town, have sex and then leave, not knowing the next time we’d be together. It would feel somewhat pointless and that would defeat the whole purpose of my year of abstinence.

"You Make Me Feel Normal"

March 27, 2009

I hate when I miss a day and have to catch up. Last night was all Seattle’s fault. I got home and called to hear a story about his day and was too tired after chatting that I went to bed instead of writing my blog. I apologize.

Yesterday, woke up nice an early to make myself purty for an audition. Then had the rest of the day to workout and do laundry. I’m quite proud of myself actually for how much I managed to accomplish. Heard from my new roommate! I have mixed emotions because I need a roomie, but am dreading that I won’t be living alone anymore after tomorrow morning. He seems decent though and I think we’ll have a lot of fun.

Lee was teasing me last night saying, “You know, I hear stories of people moving in together and hitting it off and starting to date.” No, Lee, I think not. Not with this one.

(*side note: at the coffee shop right now and some guy just totally “eye fucked” me as he walked out the door, never really get that, but it wasn’t at all pleasant. About as pleasant as a one night stand, “ooh intriguing…um wait, what are you doing…no no that’s not good at all…ok just stop.”)

Lots on my mind today, not really sure where to begin. Let’s see, talked to Seattle yesterday right after my audition. I had sent him a heartfelt email the night before accidentally, instead of saving it as a draft, I pushed send and sent it incomplete. I was completely embarrassed and wrote a follow up saying I hadn’t meant to send it just yet and I apologized if anything I said was strange. I told him about my fears of him being so recently divorced. I didn’t want him to feel rushed into anything he wasn’t ready for. I myself am not sure what I really want from this situation, but I know that I really enjoy him.

He told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and the email was just fine. I had text him about my new roomie earlier that day and he sent me back, “…let me get back to you in a bit, I’ll have a story for you.”

So, I went for a walk with Lee last night, we ended up having a heart to heart. I told her how odd it is that I like Seattle this much, it’s very unusual for me. She commented on how different he is than the guys I usually go for, which is true. Also, she asked if his age was a problem. I had been wary about Ray due to the fact that he was 39…eek and also about Rick, who was 36, but 34 seems to be the perfect number. She stated, “Well, the others just didn’t fit, but this one does, so the age doesn’t matter.” Very wise, Lee, very wise…

When I got home I finally got to talk to Seattle about his story. He told me that the woman he had had a fling with not too long ago got upset when he mentioned me, they’re still friends and he thought it was ok to talk about me. He didn’t tell me many details about what was said, but apparently after school they went back to his place to discuss it. I found myself getting upset listening to the story. I kept thinking, “Why’d you have to discuss it further at your place? Did anything else happen?” But, I quickly calmed my thoughts, realizing I was being irrational. It’s hard, because I always try to be super sensitive when I’m interested in a guy and not worry about the relationships/friendships that came before me. It’s not my place to interfere with them since they were established way before “we” were. But, it takes a lot of strength, not gonna lie. The fact that he even told me about it proves he’s a very trustworthy guy. He didn’t have to say anything. I like that.

Oh yeah, one of the best things a guy has ever told me, “You make me feel normal.” That’s what Seattle told me on the phone last night. It made me smile. I like that too.

We chatted for a bit longer and I enjoyed listening to his stories about work, etc. I enjoy how smart he is. Every time we talk I just want to absorb everything I can.

Haven’t heard from him yet today, but I also haven’t text and he’s at work. I really need to plan a trip to Seattle. I realized yesterday, I need something to look forward to.

Randomly heard from Rick today. He called; I hesitated before picking up the phone. He’s back from tour and wants to grab a drink/food tonight. Our phone convo was a little awkward, but even when we were “dating” it was awkward. I’d like to see him, but not sure what we really have to talk about. We were never really friends, so I wonder if it’s possible for us to be friends now. I’m totally not interested in anything other than a friendship, and I hope he realizes that. He leaves again in a week or so for another tour…busy man. Makes me thankful I didn’t fall for him, he’d constantly be off experiencing amazing things in other countries and I’d be lonely, sad and jealous. Not a good relationship.

I have a need to be social tonight though, I feel a funk coming on…not sure what that’s about. Maybe it’s my period. Not to give TMI, but it’s been a whole year since I’ve had a visit from Aunt flo, so I’ve forgotten the weird emotional mood swings that come to town in her baggage. Humph. Gotta get out of that quick!

Is there a pattern here?

March 25, 2009.

First night in quite a few nights that I’m home, and don’t have to rush around preparing things for the next day and jump right into bed. It’s super nice. And I’m still living alone…super, super nice. I’m finding myself more and more satisfied with life these days. Everything seems to be falling into place and daily I’ll let out a sigh of contentment. I hope that 2009 is proving to be like that for most people.

Had a meeting with a potential roommate today. He was very cool and we seemed to get along right away. What struck me as funny is he kept complaining about his current roommate being so “unmotivated” and he can’t stand being around unmotivated people because it makes him feel unproductive and annoyed. How ironic…sounds like someone I know. I reassured him that I’m extremely motivated and the most positive person he’ll find. He’s calling me tomorrow to let me know if he’s moving in or not. His roommate is waiting to hear about a job and if it falls through, he’s moving back to Minnesota and I gain a roommate, but if it works out, they’ll probably stay together. Eek, I’ve never wished for someone to not get a job, but hey, I could really use a roommate. But, you know, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be!

Seattle called me today. I had briefly talked to him last night when I was out with friends, because I had been dying to call him all-day and just honestly had no moments alone. But, we went out for drinks and dinner and I snuck away to chat while we waited for our food to arrive. I had to cut the convo short, and I really hated doing it, so I told him to give me a call these next three days, since I’ll be relatively available. So he did. Yay! He was procrastinating doing schoolwork and I was preparing my house for a potential roomie and very glad for the distraction.

He told me last night that he feels incredibly bad reading my blog. Which I can understand, because it is almost as if he were reading my diary. And who knows, there may be things that come along that he doesn’t want to read. But, I’m all about honesty and if something happens that may not be appealing, then we move on. Better than denying things or hiding things.

I really want to see him again. We joked about him visiting James sometime soon and “squeezing me in” or me coming up that way in a few weekends. Not gonna lie, I really want to. I told him that usually when I want something, it’s rare that I let reality get in the way. For example, my second boyfriend, Tom, when I met him, I was visiting friends in Illinois and cancelled my flight back home so I could spend an extra day with him. Now this wasn’t realistic because it cost me cancellation fees and a bus ticket back home, but it was worth it to me. And hey, we dated for a year (which is long for me).

I used to say in High School, “I have to see a future before I see a beginning.” Meaning, I’m not going to start dating someone unless I can see a real future in it. And I stuck with that motto, turned down every invitation until Drew and we dated for three years. It worked pretty well. I think I need to start that motto back up. I really wouldn’t be so into Seattle if I didn’t think there was something there. It’s real easy for me to move on and get over guys very quickly, because there’s usually no real emotion between us. Especially when they’re far away. Why bother? But there’s something there.

Like Will. Sure we got to spend time together last summer, but I couldn’t help but think about him even though he was off living life in Florida and here I am in LA. There was something there. But oddly enough, I had this strange feeling when he was off in Australia this past Feb. that he met someone, or something changed. I called him when he was supposedly back in the states to catch up and find out how Australia was, plus we had discussed him potentially coming to visit. I got his voicemail, left a message and haven’t heard from him since. That was March 4th. So, I think my intuitions were right. But that gave me the freedom I needed to feel free to look around. Before I was kind of closed off because I was holding onto hope.

I just realized that I have a pattern I never knew about and I wonder if it’s healthy or if it’s in fact a “safety” thing I do. I held onto hope that “the ex” would come visit, fall back in love with me and be mine for the rest of eternity. I knew this wouldn’t happen, but I continued to hope. I held onto hope that Will would come visit, realize we were meant to be together and decided to finally move to LA like he thinks about every so often. I knew this was unrealistic because his whole life is in Florida, he’s got no reason to leave, but I continued to hope. Now, I’m hoping that Seattle and I hit it off and somehow, even though he lives way up north and I live way down south, there’s a potentially bright future.

Am I insane? Do I always need someone just out of reach to care for me so that I can remain independent yet loved? So that I can retain my single lifestyle but at the same time not have to pursue strange men in LA? Do I need someone that’s a possibility so that when I’m fully ready for commitment I can work my magic and make them come to me? What’s my damage?

I really don’t think Seattle’s just a distraction I’ve set up for myself. But it does make me wonder…I can’t believe the last three men I really cared about have been from far off places and yet I always think there’s a possibility even though I’m so stubborn I would never be the one to change locale.

However, maybe that’s just all hogwash and it’s really a statement about how there are no dateable/relationship men in this crazy town. I have to look elsewhere to find the good ones and just pray that they’ll eventually be close enough to spend time with. Ugh, I hate this place! Ha, but it’s necessary I be here.

Seattle is very different then the guys I’ve dated in the past. I tend to date very artistic, emotional guys. Seattle is very book smart and is very logically minded. Maybe I need someone that’s the complete opposite of all my fuck-ups. Hey, it worked for my sister. She went from “metro-sexual” to “manly man”.

Alright, I have way too much on my mind and need to stop writing this instant! Lots of free time tomorrow, hopefully it’ll be spent all by myself!

I've been found out!

March 21, 2009.

Received a text from Seattle today saying: “Sorry ur party didn’t go so well. I was anxiously awaiting a text or email and figured that reading ur blog would be the next best thing. Hope that doesn’t upset you or change anything…” Um, so I have a spy. I guess I’m not as well hidden as I thought or maybe I’m just bad at keeping secrets and let too much slip into our honesty filled convo’s. But, now I have a new blog follower…

It actually surprised me how okay I am with it. Yesterday, (and I called and told him this already) I even thought about just sending him the link. For some reason I really do want him to know everything, well, almost everything about me. Maybe it’s a test, maybe it’s comfort, but whatever it is, it’s strange. So he claims that he doesn’t hate me after reading it…yet.

It’s interesting because in life, I’m a pretty open book, so most people that have the pleasure of being near me, usually know lots and probably too much about me. However, this blog contains innermost thoughts and confessions that I would probably only tell my very best friends back on the East Coast. My sister doesn’t even read this blog!

But, I’m pretty comfortable with Seattle’s sneaky eyes glancing at this every now and then. And I promise, to myself and anyone who may actually read this ridiculous self indulgent blog, that I will remain true to my word and be as honest as humanly possible.

Will Seattle stick around? We shall see.

Spent another long day on set. Miguel was there, so at least there was some entertainment. It was funny, I started chatting with a few other guys on set today and for a mere moment thought two of them were pretty cute, but one casually mentioned his girlfriend and the other eventually mentioned his wife. This was more than ok with me, I wasn’t really interested in more than a friendly conversation. But at one point, I looked to the right of me and there was Miguel and guy with a girlfriend sitting on the bench and to the left of me was married guy. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I give off these vibes lately that I’m “safe” because I’ve noticed the guys on set I tend to meet and chat with and get along with are all usually in committed relationships. I must just send out a silent signal that tells them I’m not a threat and if they want to chat about their lovely ladies, I’m all ears and won’t be a jealous bitch. Pardon mon français. Or perhaps is as simple as I can tell they’re safe.

I had Seattle on my brain all day. I just kept thinking about seeing him again. How much I wish I had the option to spend more time with him. I text him when I got home to let him know I can’t help but daydream about him and I started worrying that he had read something undesirable in my blog that made him not want to text me back. But then after the longest 13 min’s of my life he finally returned my text and reassured me he was not swayed by any past words of mine, and that he wishes he were here so that I “could fall asleep in [his] arms.” I wish that too.

Ray sent me an email today: “Please forward your postal address, I'd like to forward you money for last nights dinner.” Yup, he hates me.

I put it out there and "Seattle" was the response

March 20, 2009.

Wow. So, like I planned the other day; I met someone. Spent St. Pat’s day with Nikki, Seattle, his brother James, Miguel and Lee. Got drunk off of wine and made out with Seattle in the kitchen of my apt.

Miguel and Lee headed home and James spent the night in the living room with Nikki while Seattle and I canoodled in my room. We started making out and got nakey and Seattle admitted that he’s never had a one-night stand and usually doesn’t do things this fast with girls he just met. I assured him there would be no sex involved in the evening, since I’m celibate in 2009! Woohoo! So we were at a standstill. We lay in bed together all night, chatted for what seemed like forever and got no more than 3 hours of sleep. But the sleep deprivation was well worth it.

We had all planned on spending the next day at the beach, but Nikki was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed some space from the men. So we decided to go without them. I kind of wanted Seattle there, but was very happy to spend the day with my girls. That night, I had text back and forth with Seattle and told him to call me when he got done with poker with the bro. I ended up passing out before midnight and he didn’t finish his game until 1:30am, so no meeting up.

I was on set all day yesterday and received texts from Ray and Seattle. Ray had wanted to go shopping with me for a gift for Miguel, but I was definitely not going to be out any earlier than 9:30, and I did want to spend time with Seattle since it was his last night in town. I made plans to have a late dinner with Seattle after the shoot, however, when I got out there was major LA traffic and I found out that I had a call time of 6:30am for today. Both put a serious damper on my mood. I text Seattle and told him I was “cranky”. He told me “No problem. I’m definitely bummed, but u need to work and u shouldn’t run urself ragged. If I don’t’ get to see u before I leave (which is likely since I fly out tomorrow), I hope we can keep in touch; because I really do feel that I would love to see where it could lead. And lastly, I wish I could read ur blog.”

Ha. Apparently, I opened up completely about my blog the other night…and now he knows he’ll be a part of it! Well, after getting that text I realized, “What am I doing??” I really did want to see him and I was pushing away…potentially sabotaging something great. So I asked if there was any way he could come to my place, cuz “I could really use the cuddle.” Cheesy, I know, but true. So, he did. We lay in bed and talked until 2am. Then attempted to get what little sleep we could before I had to go to work. My alarm went off at 5:15am and all I could think was, “What am I doing??” I decided to take a chance and not go to work. I know…tisk, tisk, two days this week. I need money! “What am I doing??” Ugh, well, I skipped work, however, we didn’t go back to bed, and we stayed awake and talked until 9am. 4hours of completely honest, somewhat overwhelming (in a good way) conversation.

I like him. He’s smart, sweet, funny, mature, honest, trusting, open minded and damn I bet he’s great in bed! Just a feeling I get…I don’t regret my decision to abstain, because, like I said, I really like him. He was totally respectful of the situation, but it was frustrating, for the both of us. My body wanted his pretty badly. We chatted a bit more, then headed off to breakfast at Jinky’s.

He got real quiet while at breakfast, which was weird for us, since our convo’s have been awesome thus far. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong though, because I kind of feared the answer. But, he then apologized for being so “flat” and said he was really exhausted. Me too. But for some reason he gives me energy. Then we headed back to my place so he could grab his stuff and say our farewells. He just looked so sad puppy and said, “I’m kind of bumming.” Me too. He invited me to come up to Seattle sometime and I may just have to take him up on that offer. I want to spend more time with him.

I told him this morning, which is totally true, that I know I must genuinely like him because my mind is completely calm when we’re together. I’m not strategically planning an escape plan or thinking about other things. It’s silent, for once. That honestly never happens. I’m usually a little awkward with the boys in my bed, because I truly don’t want them there. Seattle? If he didn’t have a flight tonight, I’d want him to stay in bed with me all day/night. Humph. I’m so good at picking the least opportune guys aren’t I?

Hey, side note: met a guy on set who just got engaged to his girlfriend and he told me they’ve been celibate for 5 years! They weren’t planning on waiting till marriage, but at this point they figured, why not? I told him I think that’s great! So, if they can do it for 5 years while in a committed relationship, then I can do it for 1 while I’m single…right?

Well, it’s Miguel’s 23rd today and we’re all going out to celebrate (Ray and everyone). I’m kind of nervous to see Ray, but I want Miguel to have a fabulous night, so no matter what, I’m gonna be all smiles and friendliness. Got lots of errands and sleep to catch up on before that happens though, so I’ll update manana!