Goodbye Oaks!

August 28, 2009.

2:41am.

Sittin' in my bedroom in Manhattan Beach...no more Sherman Oaks!! I'm completely moved out and moved on! So freaking exciting!

Yesterday was rather ridiculous. Nikki and I got up at 5:30, drove Lacey to the airport (she's off for yet another wedding) then headed back up to the valley as the sun was rising to finish cleaning our apartments. We cleaned until 11am, grabbed some lunch and headed back down to M.B. with a truck load of stuff.

We organized, showered and napped then it was back to the valley to do the finishing touches before heading out to see Drummer play a show in Glendale. When I got back to my apt I expected to be all set and final with my moving arrangements because Lil Bro had been there earlier and I had requested that he clean the microwave and swiffer since I pretty much did everything else. Well...when I got there, the place was still a mess. Awesome. So I cleaned as furiously and as fast as I possibly could. I was drenched in sweat. So much for looking cute for Drummer.

I was pretty pissed. But Nikki is awesome and she helped me get out of there as fast as I could. Then we grabbed a rewarding snack at McDonalds before heading to the show, however, I managed to spill McFlurry on my white shirt on the way...thank goodness for moving, because I had some clothes in the back of my car to change into. (Just to show you how ridiculous this past evening was, I had been sweating so badly from cleaning that I had taken my shirt off to avoid getting it all sweaty and disgusting, then went the the McD's drivethrough in my bra....needless to say, I made that guys night! Nikki was just cracking up the whole time.)

We finally made it to the show about 20min in, but we still got to see them play about 4 more songs. So, not too bad. Drummer is adorable. He gives great hugs. I can't wait to hang with him more. Tonight was kind of rushed. As soon as they were done packing their van they were ready to head back to T.O. But we invited them all to come hang on labor day weekend down in M.B. I hope they do.

I had been avoiding asking Drummer about that because I kept thinking, “well...what if North comes to hang?” But, I still have no word from North and I'm kind of over it. Bah!

Well, I just wanted to write real quick, hopefully I'll be able to post this soon, i've been sans internet due to moving, and I'm catching a flight in 6 hours to Florida to hang with the fam. I'll try to keep updating this week, but I make no promises!!

Drummer's adorable.

Commitment = Freedom

March 16, 2009.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating – in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around
like rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the
barrier to your life. " -- Anne Morris, a New York Starbucks customer


That’s the quote that was on my Starbucks cup this morning. I thought it was quite fitting. It does make sense. I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand it. But I totally get it. However, even though I know my inner critic can be pretty nasty at times, I don’t think I’d be that much different when committed than I am at this moment.

It’s funny though, I’m incredibly independent, but I love surrounding myself with people. I spent most of the day at home today, by myself, knowing that no roommates were going to enter my apt. It was nice, but I just kept thinking, “who can I call to hang out with?” I want lots of friends, just no roommates. Makes sense, right? I’d like a relationship, but no husband. Makes sense? I like being alone, but having emotional connections.

I have no money, but I desperately want to be social tonight. Might go out for a drink with Nikki and Roger after they get done with work. It’s just nice to have a small chat with people each day. It’s necessary for the human soul. It most definitely is.

Ok, so I left my apt today to go the library, the bank and last the coffee shop. I said to myself, “I’m gonna meet someone. It might be weird, but I am.” Meaning, in these short few hours that I’m wandering around Sherman Oaks, doing errands, I’m gonna meet someone. I didn’t really specify, however. Maybe that’s my problem. Meet someone for what reason? For what type of relationship? I will meet someone with potential of a lasting relationship. That’s who I’m going to meet. Him.

On another note, I finally responded to the email that Ray sent to me the other day. He asked if it was ok with me that he was going to come out for Miguel’s birthday this Friday. Of course I’m not gonna say no! It’s Miguel’s birthday, not mine. Not my choice. I hate when guys do that. Here’s my response:

“Ray,
I'm sorry for the lack of response, but I feel that if I'm too quick to respond or too nice, it may seem as if I'm "leading you on", or "giving you hope for the future". I do wish we could be friends, but just that. Of course I don't mind you being at Miguel's birthday. He loves you and I would never take that relationship away from you guys. I would hope you never let me get in the way of you doing things you would want to do. I really want friday to be great for Miguel, so lets really focus on the fact that we're getting together for his birthday and that it's not a date. I just don't know how to respond to your text's or emails most of the time because of the fact you have feelings for me. It makes it hard to respond in a neutral way. I feel as if I either have to be lovey dovey back or a bitch. There's no in between, because that's confusing. I just want us to be clear. Hope you're doing great, and I'll see you on friday.”

Too harsh? I’m just so tired of responding safely or too kindly and then having to repeatedly “break up” with people. It’s just obnoxious. Saying “no” once should be enough. When a guy rejects me I don’t try again and again to get him to like me. What a waste of time and energy. Humph.

Going to go pick up some bookshelves to put in my empty apt. Yay! Updates soonish.