Mr. Fearless...where are you?

September 3, 2009.

Happy birthday big sis!! Today was her 27th and it was awesome. We did the worlds at Epcot and I learned that I like Norwegian men. They are pretty darn beautiful...got a pic with one that should be my future husband. Perhaps I'll spend a summer in Disney and meet the man of my dreams.

I wish I had a boyfriend to return home to. First, I may not have anyone to pick me up from the airport tomorrow night. In a midday drunk-at-Disney state of mind I stupidly (and embarrassingly) sent a text to three boys I wouldn't mind having as my chauffeur's tomorrow. Laurie, North and Drummer. Just to see if any would be available and/or willing to pick me up.

Lacey has offered, but depending on what time I get in, she might be at work. Blah. I really don't want to spend money on a cab. Yuck.

Today was a whole lot of fun, but I really miss being around people my age with my same interests. I just became so damn boy crazy that I would check out anyone and everyone that appeared to be over the age of 18 and under the age of...well, 80. Not cool.

I keep daydreaming about North. Not sure this is such a great thing, but it sure is fun.

Sometimes though, I just can't picture myself with a boyfriend anymore. I'm a very independent woman and I need a guy who's okay with that. Sometimes, and I know this will sound horrible, but I feel too manly to be a girlfriend. I'm not feminine enough for most guys. I like dressing up and being girly, but more often then not, I like being strong, wise and powerful.

Alright...I need a fearless man to come my way!

Leaving Florida tomorrow and back to life as I know it in good old L.A. Can't wait!

"Skype Saved Our Marriage"

April 27, 2009.

Unfortunately, I have not updated you since Friday because I was a little preoccupied with birthday madness and hangover aftermath.

My day on Saturday was pretty awesome. I turned 25 on the 25th! Hollahh!! I got up in the morning and went to a $1 sale at Buffalo Exchange; the best second hand store on Ventura. Came home with some kick ass shirts and then ran some errands until dinner plans at 6:30pm.

Lee and I had talked the night before and worked everything out. So we’re all good, and I’m glad. I’d hate to not have her in my life.

Went to sushi with Miguel, Lee, Lil’ bro and some peeps from my improv troupe. They bought me dinner and a rose. I felt very loved. After dinner, Lee, Miguel and lil bro and I all returned back to my apt to prep for my slumber party.

I decided in honor of being 25 I wanted to celebrate the relationships that are most sacred to me. My girlfriends. No boys allowed (with the exception of Miguel and Lil’ bro, naturally.) Lil bro and Miguel decided they wanted to get the party started by dressing up and speaking in “Borat” like accents and also dressing up the pad with flashing lights and techno music. It was hilarious to say the least. They greeted all my guests at the door with a “guest list”. It was great fun.

Miguel and Lee took off around midnight and then ultimate Truth or Dare began. How silly to be 25 and prank texting Todd and running around my complex pool with my buttcheeks hanging out. I loved it.

Lil bro was one of the girls the entire night. It was quite fun. I’m glad he was there, even though he has a penis. My girls are the greatest. It was Jess, Lacey and Nikki. Guys are great fun to have around in life, but nothing beats the relationship you have with your girlfriends. It’s comforting and wonderful to know that in the short year and a half that I’ve been in LA I’ve managed to find some pretty incredible ladies to surround myself with.

I called Seattle that night/Sunday morning when everyone was heading to bed. I apparently fell asleep on the phone with him. Ha! Oh drunky! He’s a good sport and just laughed about it with me on Sunday.

I forgot to mention that Nikki bought me a vibrator for my birthday. First one I’ve ever owned! I’m stoked!

So yesterday, I hung out with Jess for most of it, went to improv and had a really great practice and then came home and hooked up internet with Lil bro. That’s right, I’m sitting in my bedroom on wireless that I actually pay for (rather than stealing from the neighbor’s…sorry guys!)! Then I hooked up Skype on Seattle’s request.

I never knew about it before yesterday. But now I’m addicted and think it just might have extended the life of long distance relationship. I can’t even describe how amazing it was to see Seattle’s face while talking to him. He got his haircut and it looks very sexy.

We were on it for about 2 ½ to 3 hours. I know. We’re crazy. But I got to watch him walk around his apartment in his boxers…hot. We danced a little together to the music on my myspace. We watched his brother’s acting reel together. It was like we were hanging out. It was amazing! The only downfall was that I couldn’t reach out and stroke his hair or kiss his cute lips or run my fingers down his bare arm and around his chest. It was quite the tease…

I joked about how one of my avid blog readers said that Seattle and I aren’t far from phone sex. But now, I think it’s more appropriate to say we’re close to ‘Skype’ sex. Ha…kidding…maybe.

Well, I need to nap, since I was up till way too early this morning. But I’ll have more Skype tales soon!

Forgive Yourself

April 24, 2009.

Well, lots to say today. First of all. This was crazy. So, I was on the phone last night/early this morning (12:45 am) talking with Seattle. I had brought up the incident with Pete because it’s been on my mind a lot lately and it makes me really upset because I feel as though I betrayed his trust even before we began. It makes me feel shitty. I can’t stop apologizing.

Seattle’s wonderful and reassures me that it’s ok, it’s in the past and it was before we had “defined” our relationship. He just says it hurts that I didn’t tell him the whole truth about that night and he had to find out about it in a blog. I get it. It sucks. Well, we ended the conversation on a high note, but I couldn’t help but still be a little upset. I’m just mad at myself. Well, here’s the irony. Not more than two minutes after hanging up the phone Pete calls. I press the silencer and ignore it.

I have no need to hear what he has to say and if it’s important, he’ll leave a message. He leaves a message. I listen and I hear this sincerely sweet message saying, “Hey Colleen, it’s Pete, sorry, I think I missed your birthday by an hour. Um, if I didn’t then please excuse this message, but I think I did. I mean, uh, I’m in Syracuse right now, I had to fly home for something. Um, but I just woke up, I was asleep and I woke up and it’s four in the morning, I’m like ‘fuck, I think I missed Colleen’s birthday’ so I just figured I’d give you a call and maybe catch you out partying or something. But, you didn’t answer, so anyways I hope you had a good birthday if it was your birthday and I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

I wish I could put a tone of voice in this blog so you all could hear how endearing the message was. He sounds so vulnerable in it. Kind of broke my heart a little. Well, I didn’t call him back. I text him this morning and told him I got his message and he didn’t miss my birthday. It’s not till tomorrow. I know he flew home for a funeral, so I feel kind of guilty that I haven’t answered his phone calls. I worry that he needs a friend and I haven’t been much of one since that night. Ugh.

Anywho, today I tried to be uber productive and semi-succeeded. I had work this evening and towards the end of the night one of the regulars was seated at the bar and randomly asked, “Will you box with me?”

“Um, what kind of boxing?” I asked

“Like, we get into a ring, with gloves and everything, but topless.”

I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. We continued to have a rather ridiculous conversation about how much we would charge for people to come and watch and he said $35/ticket would be sufficient. I disagree! My breasts are more valuable than that. He referred to them as “cute”. Cute? He said, “That boy of yours in Seattle better be anxious to get back to LA for those!!” Oh man. Now, this guy is quite the character, so he wrote out how he feels about my breasts or “tittays” as he calls them, signed the piece of paper and had Nikki be his witness. Here’s what the document reads:

‘On this 24th day of April during the year of our assumed lord b*tches, 2009, A** M** aka Regular, swears on the value of his cock and balls that Irene Allison’s tittay’s belong in a museum right next to a picture of my salivating tongue.’

Signed: Regular
Witness: Nikki

Such is my life…thank goodness for good men like Seattle. That way I know I don’t have to settle for someone like Regular. Oy. He’s fun but absolutely crazy.

Chatted with Seattle on my way home from work. We always end up having such ridiculously long conversations. I love it. He’s the best. I once again brought up Pete. Because I told him how he had called. I can’t help it; it still is just really bothering me. But I think Seattle hit the nail on the head. It’s bothering me because I haven’t resolved it completely with Pete. We hooked up. I went home the next day and we’ve hung out since, but I’m always a little bitchy because that’s how I feel I need to be in order to set boundaries. I think I just need to talk it out with Pete. Assure him that it won’t be happening again, but I still really want our friendship. Then we can go back to normal.

Things I really like about Seattle:

 He’s mature enough to not say, “You can’t ever talk to Pete again, I really don’t want you guys being friends.”
 He gives me advice on what to say to Pete, tactfully and nicely
 He calls be “Beau Sourire”
 He called me twice tonight because, “texting wasn’t good enough”
 He likes to read really smart things
 He makes me want to be smarter/he challenges me
 He understands that I’m overly emotional due to pms and it doesn’t freak him out one bit

Wow. I’m a pretty lucky girl.

K, off to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow! Lots to do!

Bittersweet Symphony

April 20, 2009.

Sitting in Seattle airport right now trying not to cry. Said goodbye to Seattle about an hour ago now. I cried. I felt silly. I couldn’t help it. The tears just started coming out about an hour before I left and I couldn’t stop ‘em. I had such a lovely weekend and felt for a moment what it was like to have a great boyfriend to just hang out with.

Then reality hit me and before I knew it I was in a cab heading for the airport. Seattle would’ve driven me, but this morning he woke up with flu like symptoms and felt terrible all day long. He kept apologizing because we literally spent the whole day in bed. But there was nowhere I’d rather have been.

I actually enjoyed being there while he was sick, because it’s not like I’ll be able to do that very often and it made me feel like I was able to be a girlfriend, not just a guest.

Argh! I’m so frustrated right now. I’m mad at myself for being so sad right now. And I still don’t exactly know where it is that we stand. He looked over at me today and said, “Well, you’re definitely dateable”, in his dry sense of humor tone. So, I couldn’t really tell if he meant I was dateable and he wanted to date me or if I’m definitely dateable and should find someone else to be with.

I kept joking that all I want for my birthday next Saturday is him to be here. But, I really wasn’t joking and I was hoping that if I plant it into his brain enough times maybe, just maybe he’d show up at my door. I know it’s not really possible, but I can dream right?

I really do like my life in LA, but it sure would be great if I got to share it daily with an incredible guy.

So, I guess I’m not really “Abstaining Irene” anymore, but I guess I’m “abstaining from everyone but Seattle, Irene”. Not quite the same ring to it, but I like it.

Ugh, bittersweet…bittersweet.

White Trash Night

April 3, 2009.

It’s 2:55 am, and what better time then now to recap the night’s events! I just got home a little bit ago and had one of the greatest nights I’ve had in LA since being here. Spent the night with three great girls, Jess, Nikki, and Lacey. Started the night with dinner at Cecil’s with Nikki, then we prepared for our “white trash” night.

Andrew, the bartender from F&H invited us last night to come to his birthday white trash bash. So, we did our best to be the trashiest b*tchs around. I was DD, so I brown bagged a Disanni flavored water and bought Andrew a gold magnum condom and mini SoCo for his b-day present. The party started at 7pm, but we arrived fashionably late at 10:30pm. We, needless to say, were the only ones dressed the part. No one else got the memo…but we totally brought the party. Everyone loved our getups and our ‘tudes. It was truly a blast.

Also, strangely enough, I ran into someone I knew at the party! Small world, LA. Seth, as in Nate’s old co-worker and Margaret’s crush, was there. So funny, apparently him and Andrew are in a band together. Again, what a small world! I honestly never thought I’d see him again. But we chatted tonight and I invited him to be my date to the 80’s prom night we’re planning for the 16th. He’s just as stoked as we are! So yay! I have a date! Can’t wait for the word to get back to Margaret and Nate…ha! I’m so evil. Anywho, we decided our getups were too good to be wasted all night long in one place. So we stayed for about an hour or so and decided to get our show on the road.

We drove to Off Kilt and were about to go in, when we decided it looked too dead for our liking. We headed over to Chimney Sweep and inside, strange looks followed us everywhere. It was funny. It was way too quiet there for us, so we then tried a place called The Port, only to find it was way empty except for five people on stage playing Rock Band. Hmmm…we stayed there long enough to play with one guy and totally ruined his song, because none of us knew how to play. After that we dropped off Lacey, she was getting tired but the three of us kept on!

We were off to Pineapple Hill. There we finally planted ourselves. After all it was 1am and only 30 min till last call. We were only there for about 5 min and already made friends. Thanks to Nikki’s good looks. Three guys at the end of the bar started chatting us up. I ended up having a conversation with one guy and it led to us discovering that we had in fact met before and had a similar conversation. He knew Margaret because he was a regular at the restaurant she used to work at. Again, what a small world. Apparently, he had text her saying we should all hang out and she never gave me that message. Hmmm…

So, it was a very interesting evening. I forgot to mention that Andrew, when we were saying goodbye, definitely was hoping for a little smooch. He was blatantly trying and I just laughed and said, “I’m not gonna kiss you, drunky!” He then claimed he was only going for a hug…yup, ok, liar. He told me he thinks I’m cute and we should definitely hang out. I told him to call me, “You got my number.” Now, I’m sure Andrew’s a great guy, however, he’s got one attribute I just can’t get behind. In the short time I’ve known him, he’s been drunk 80% of it. And he’s a bartender and everyone knows bartenders like to drink. Plus, he’s got way too many similarities to Sam, and we all know how that ended up. Eek. I’m learning not to repeat mistakes. Slowly, but surely.

Ugh, 14 days!!!

Happy April!

April 1, 2009.

Humph. Went to bed happily imagining falling asleep next to Seattle in 16 days…can’t wait. We chatted last night before bed, I love having evening convo’s with him. He inspires me to be healthier, smarter, and in turn makes me happier.

I had been thinking that I wanted to bring him a gift or something when I go to visit. I had been racking my brain and finally decided I think I shall make him dinner one of those nights. So I asked him last night what his favorite meal is and he basically told me, “pasta”. Well, that would be super easy, but I want a bigger challenge. We ended up talking about food for about a half an hour; both our inner fat kids were drooling. But I think I’ve figured out what it is I’ll be making. Meatloaf. Mmm…sounds delicious, right?

Well, I have a recipe for it that my brother in law made up so I’m going to attempt it. I have never before attempted such a thing, so I might have to do a trial run before I get to Washington.

I don’t have much to update with right now, the day is fairly young. I have an audition in a few hours that I’m uber excited for. It’s for a video project that a superbly talented photographer is making. I would have to be ok with nudity…and I think I am, after looking over her work, she does it extremely tastefully. I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of nudity. Sometimes I wonder, “why did it ever become such a shunned thing?” I mean it’s everyone’s most natural state and it’s beautiful. It’s a shame that we can’t all be comfortable and confident in our birthday suits.

Anywho, going out with Nikki and Lacey tonight. We’re hitting up trivia night at a local bar, so I’m sure I’ll have adventures to share later!

Taurus+Gemini = Happily Ever After?

March 20, 2009.

Oh what a night…got ready for Miguel’s birthday extravaganza and on my way got a panicky call from Lee saying they were having major car trouble. So I rushed and picked them up, they were way upset, understandably so, and I was determined to make them have a good night. We met up with everyone at PF Chang’s. Ray was dressed nice, we hugged hello, I immediately made chit chat to seem as if I was totally comfortable with the situation, but I totally was not. Ryan and Pete were there also. Dinner was great, our waiter was not so great, and we ended up being there for three + hours. Then when the bill came, despite my earlier request to put Lee and Miguel’s meals on my tab, he handed us one large bill and said, “we don’t split checks”, um…why didn’t you tell me that earlier? So we all took about 45 minutes trying to figure out our bill and finally I just couldn’t take it anymore, I grabbed the check and my credit card and asked the manager to just “please put it all on mine.” I needed to get out of there. I could sense myself getting extremely antsy and uncomfortable.

Every time Ray looked at me or said something I wanted to shrivel up and go under the table. I think he could tell. He decided not to come to the after party at my place and told Miguel on the phone later (loudly enough so I could hear) that he just didn’t feel right about it…and was complaining about how I was sitting all the way across the table from him instead of next to him all night. I just don’t get it!! What does he want from me? To be fake and pretend that I’m in to him? I’m totally not! Tonight proved it. I didn’t think, “Man he’s cute” and I didn’t want to sit next to him and every story he told I just kept screaming in my mind, “Shut up already!!” Oy.

Finally, finally…after the longest dinner of my life we were on our way home. People met up with us at my apt, but it was probably the most lame and boring party ever because Lee and Miguel were so uber stressed about their car situation, again, understandably, but I just wanted them to stop already and just relax because I was becoming so tense just having them there.

However, all I could think the entire night was, I really wish Seattle were still here. I just want to call and vent and listen to him tell me stories that make tonight seem not so awful. I want him to sleep next to me again and make goofy faces when he looks at me because he’s thinking about how amazing I am (that’s all hypothesis by the way). I really wanted to and wish I had the balls and the money to hop a plane to Seattle bright and early tomorrow and spend the next few days with him.

Wow. It’s nice and awful at the same time to meet someone you connect with. Cuz it makes me happy to think about him, but then I want to cry because he’s so far and I don’t even have the option of seeing him.

One interesting fact: he’s a Gemini. Which was is the same sign my first love was. So, perhaps Gemini’s and Taurus’ is a good match? I’m trying to look it up, but my Internet connection is extremely slow.

According to one site: “The Taurus woman is deliberate, sexy and alluring. The Gemini man is clever and fickle. He may prefer mental stimulation more than physical stimulation. Sexually, the Gemini man may think his Taurus woman is too much work while she may feel he’s all talk and no action.”


Uh-oh.

Commitment = Freedom

March 16, 2009.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating – in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around
like rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the
barrier to your life. " -- Anne Morris, a New York Starbucks customer


That’s the quote that was on my Starbucks cup this morning. I thought it was quite fitting. It does make sense. I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand it. But I totally get it. However, even though I know my inner critic can be pretty nasty at times, I don’t think I’d be that much different when committed than I am at this moment.

It’s funny though, I’m incredibly independent, but I love surrounding myself with people. I spent most of the day at home today, by myself, knowing that no roommates were going to enter my apt. It was nice, but I just kept thinking, “who can I call to hang out with?” I want lots of friends, just no roommates. Makes sense, right? I’d like a relationship, but no husband. Makes sense? I like being alone, but having emotional connections.

I have no money, but I desperately want to be social tonight. Might go out for a drink with Nikki and Roger after they get done with work. It’s just nice to have a small chat with people each day. It’s necessary for the human soul. It most definitely is.

Ok, so I left my apt today to go the library, the bank and last the coffee shop. I said to myself, “I’m gonna meet someone. It might be weird, but I am.” Meaning, in these short few hours that I’m wandering around Sherman Oaks, doing errands, I’m gonna meet someone. I didn’t really specify, however. Maybe that’s my problem. Meet someone for what reason? For what type of relationship? I will meet someone with potential of a lasting relationship. That’s who I’m going to meet. Him.

On another note, I finally responded to the email that Ray sent to me the other day. He asked if it was ok with me that he was going to come out for Miguel’s birthday this Friday. Of course I’m not gonna say no! It’s Miguel’s birthday, not mine. Not my choice. I hate when guys do that. Here’s my response:

“Ray,
I'm sorry for the lack of response, but I feel that if I'm too quick to respond or too nice, it may seem as if I'm "leading you on", or "giving you hope for the future". I do wish we could be friends, but just that. Of course I don't mind you being at Miguel's birthday. He loves you and I would never take that relationship away from you guys. I would hope you never let me get in the way of you doing things you would want to do. I really want friday to be great for Miguel, so lets really focus on the fact that we're getting together for his birthday and that it's not a date. I just don't know how to respond to your text's or emails most of the time because of the fact you have feelings for me. It makes it hard to respond in a neutral way. I feel as if I either have to be lovey dovey back or a bitch. There's no in between, because that's confusing. I just want us to be clear. Hope you're doing great, and I'll see you on friday.”

Too harsh? I’m just so tired of responding safely or too kindly and then having to repeatedly “break up” with people. It’s just obnoxious. Saying “no” once should be enough. When a guy rejects me I don’t try again and again to get him to like me. What a waste of time and energy. Humph.

Going to go pick up some bookshelves to put in my empty apt. Yay! Updates soonish.

Commitment Phobia Anyone?

February 22, 2009.


Ugh. I guess I should start with the birthday party.

On Friday the 20th, I went shopping all day with Lee and the way I was acting definitely made it seem like I was really interested in impressing Ray. And I was, but not really in the aspect of romantically. I bought a gorgeous little dress. Lee curled my hair and did my makeup. Made me look like a movie star. We took my car through the carwash, she looked pretty as well, then around 7pm we went to pick up the birthday boy, er, man.

He was in high spirits and we got to ‘Outback’ before anyone else did and hung out and chatted. This was Lee’s first time meeting Ray. She liked him immediately. It’s funny, because being around him in such a comfortable way just comes naturally. It doesn’t feel weird to hug him or stand close and when we talk I do find that I talk to him as if he were my boyfriend. There’s a certain tone I always use…interesting.

His other friends started arriving and surprisingly I knew about half of them through extra work. So it was a fun time. I cheated on my diet and had a glass of wine. Plus, I was DD, so I really couldn’t have more than that if I wanted. But Ray was very into me all night, constant hugs, telling me I was gorgeous every five minutes, blah blah blah. That’s all nice, but I started freaking out. I think I may be a bit commitment phobic. But maybe only because he’s not the right one for me.

After dinner I really just wanted to go home and be alone. But Ray wanted to meet some other friends out for a drink in Bev Hills. Lee and Miguel had to go home, so I dropped them off and then headed out with Ray. On the way there his friends cancelled, but we were real close to their house, so we stopped in to chat shortly. His friend is absolutely gorgeous. Tall dark and handsome to a T. And Australian, so he’s got the charming accent as well. He was a very sweet guy. We didn’t get to meet his wife though, she was “in the bath”. When we left there, Ray could sense that I was “tired” so I dropped him off, gave him a hug and he kissed me. It was quick and short, but he kissed me. Then we hugged again and he said, “Oh, I just like you so much, is it ok that I like you?” And of course, like an idiot, I said, “Yes!” and he kissed me again. Oy. So I took off in my car with a very smiley Ray waving behind. What’s a girl to do?

Lee and Miguel think I’m absolutely insane for not liking him. “He’s everything a girl could want!” say the married couple…People just don’t understand when you’re single how intimidating the thought of a serious relationship can be, even with the most perfect man. Going from extremely independent to almost a “wifey” is terrifying to me. Plus, it’s obvious that he wants marriage soon. I mean he just turned 39. Wow. I do not want that soon. At all!!!!

Well, the next day (Saturday) I kind of ignored his texts and calls all day long. I just couldn’t deal with it yet. I spent the day working out and thinking about my crazy reaction to Ray. I had plans to go over to Miguel and Lee’s later that evening, so on the way I finally called Ray. Yes, it was just as awkward as I expected. He just keeps saying “You’re so beautiful! You’re so gorgeous!” Well, sure that’s nice to hear every once in awhile, but after the 50th time in the conversation I just want to scream, “Shut up already! Tell me something else…am I a good person? Am I fun? Am I funny? I don’t want to be just a pretty little thing!!!” Well, we ended up having a more serious convo then expected as well. He told me that when he’s with me he just feels great and gets all silly like he’s back in high school again or something. “Is it ok that I feel this way, or should I not?”

This time I was more honest. I told him I think he’s wonderful and I absolutely love spending time with him, but “right now I have no room in my life for a relationship and I would hate to keep hanging out and lead him on”. He understood this. We sort of hit on that topic during Valentine’s Day, so he knew that both of us as actors have to put our careers first right now. So…we shall see. I think he got it, but one never knows. Men are pretty dense.

I have lots more stories from yesterday and can’t wait to share, but I’m running a little late for a gig I have today and have to pick Miguel up on the way. I will write either later this evening or tomorrow, but I will catch you all up!

Women Start Your Engines...

February 19, 2009.

I was just at the gas station and when I pulled up I noticed a rather attractive gentleman pumping gas behind me. It got me to thinking…what if women started treating men the way men treat women? As in, what if I just kept eyeballing him and maybe whistled and hollered, “Looking good, beautiful.” What a strange and different world we would live in.

But also, seriously, maybe if we started doing that to men, granted I’m sure they’d enjoy it, but maybe they’d realize how much of a piece of meat it makes them seem like. Who am I kidding?! I know they’d love it. But it would give women a whole lot more power, I think.

Perhaps I’ll try it sometime. What do I have to lose? I mean women wait and wait and wait for the right guy to come along and “hopefully” like them enough to ask them out and then hopefully like them enough to start a meaningful relationship that leads to marriage and lots and lots of babies. But why does the woman have to wait?

What if we all started preying on the men we wanted? Would guys just be totally turned off? Or would there be more, happier matches. No more guessing games for the men. No more longing and hoping for the women. Hmm…what a world it would be.

Well, tomorrow is Ray’s birthday and a group of us are going out to “Outback Steakhouse” for a big birthday dinner. Miguel and Lee are coming and we’re all getting fancied up. I’m a little worried about it though, because Ray keeps saying, “There’s 12 of us going! That makes 6 couples!” I guess that makes me and Ray a couple. And then the other day on the phone he was saying how ironic it is that most the couples coming are married…eeek. Pressure much? I don’t need or want that.

Also, the whole cold sore thing is still skeeving me out. I don’t think I could ever even kiss him on the lips until I knew for sure that he was free of herpes. I don’t want that to be a possibility in my future ever. I mean…do cold sores always mean someone has herpes or can it sometimes be something completely different and how do you ever know?? Gross. I feel kind of bad because I'm excited to dress up tomorrow and go out with a big group and what not but is that leading Ray on? Because I definitely don’t think I want anything more than friendship with him. He’s great, but two things I just can’t look past…

Humph, I wish guys and girls didn’t have to make everything so complicated. Ugh. I’m sure I’ll have a great story after tomorrow night’s dinner…can’t wait!

How Old is too Old?

February 15, 2009.

So I’ve had Ray on the brain all day and haven’t stopped smiling. How old is too old? And should we put a limit on age for relationships? I was also thinking today, that if I ever dated Ray, for reals, would I flip out on my 30th if we were still together and go through a mini crisis about him looking at younger girls? (He’d be 44 at that time btw…yikes!) I feel like then the age difference doesn’t seem so grand. A 30yr old woman dating a 44-yr. old man. Not so bad, right?

Ugh, well, I haven’t much to report on the man front today, since I spent 90% of my day in bed…just for fun and 10% at improv, where we all know the men are mostly engaged or taken. Ray did text me this morning and wants to hang out on Friday for his birthday. I didn’t respond yet, and he called and left me a message saying the same thing. I’m trying to not be so anxious and screw up anything by being too anxious too soon.

Um, this week shall be interesting my friend Mark is flying in from NY. We’ve been BF since highschool and he’s coming to cali for family reasons, but I’m picking him up from the airport tomorrow bright and early, then have to be back up here for an Improv show. Then I have a few gigs lined up this week. I am going to make $400 this week. Yes I am. So, I will most likely be busy. Then Friday is Ray, Lindsay’s and our friend Crazy’s birthday. I kind of already know what I want to get Ray, but I’m not sure I should buy him anything, just yet.

We shall see. Updates Manana.

Boys with Beemers...

February 10, 2009.

Oh man…what can one even begin to say about last night? Lindsay and I got off set a lot later than we expected, so we cancelled our plans to go to the Key Club, however, we refused to let the evening go wasted. I quickly downed the rest of my wine that I had at home and had a nice buzz. Got dressed up as a grungy hipster (is there even such a thing?) and smeared a bit more makeup onto my already exhausted skin. We decided to hit up Pineapple Hill, since it was within walking distance and we had a good hour left to get our drink on before the bar closed.

We headed down to the bar and quickly discovered the sausage fest inside. There was like 95% man meat in the bar…but still slim pickin’s. We did, however, run into Sean, a guy Lindsay had met and made out with the last time we were at the Hill. He was cuter than we both remembered. Well, with only an hour to get drunk, you better believe we were quickly getting silly. Sean introduced us to his friend who soon revealed to us that he’s a talent agent. How perfect for two aspiring actresses to have an agent literally fall into our laps. Handed to us. It also happened to be Agents birthday at midnight. So we enthusiastically wished him a happy birthday and told him we would go out with him tonight and then drinks would be on us. It was the least we could do, since he bought us a round of drinks. I was being drunk and playful and chatting up Agent so that Lindsay could focus on Sean.

At one point I think I even said, “I’ll take one for the team!” Because, although Agent was very friendly, I was not at all in any way shape or form atracted to him. Lindsay just looked at me with terrified eyes and said, “Don’t do it!”

No worries, I didn’t. Agent gave us a ride home in his beautiful BMW. I passed out immediately when we got back, but Lindsay stayed with the boys and had her own fun string of events at Seans place all evening. I think we will meet up with them sometime tonight. Sean seems to be quite infatuated with Lindsay. I just know that it’ll be essential for me to remain sober, so that in no way do I drunkenly think it’s a good idea to flirt or kiss Agent. Oy. Where are my handsome bad boys with gorgeous Beemers. Oh yeah, when Sean dropped Lindsay off this morning he was driving a 2007 BMW convertible. How do you reach that much success at the age of 26??

Crazy. Tonight shall be another fun adventure. Can’t wait!

They're all a bunch of Doucheholes...

February 7, 2009

Why are guys such doucheholes??? Lindsay and I spent the whole day on set today and Encino clearly wants my body, but last night we joined him and his cougar at the bar for birthday drinks. She’s beautiful, but perhaps looking for more of a commitment then he. Anywho, every chance he got he would come and be with us and his body language was just so not subtle with me. I like that he’s like that but then I have to stop myself and think, well, if he’s like this when he’s got a beautiful girlfriend, then if we were to ever get together, would he be like that with other women when he was with me?? Eek.

Anywho, that’s not what pissed me off today. I haven’t text Liam since our green fairy night and today he text me while we were still on set, “I’m bored”. So, I suggested that he come “booze it up” with Lindsay and I after we wrap. Didn’t hear anything back. Then when we were close to home, I sent another text and we chatted back and forth for a bit and he seemed interested in coming over. Even though I adamantly told him I didn’t like the idea of him driving drunk. He assured me he was fine and said, “Alright, I think I gonna come.” Then 45 min later, no word from him. I text him saying, “What’s the verdict? Where you at boy?” and he responded with, “Well, I don’t know if I can – I would love to – but Don Julio is making it tough.” So, when he text that he was gonna come, he decided instead to keep drinking and in turn not show up at all. Even though it was his complete decision to come.

I hate men. Have I mentioned that yet? I’m so over it. I thought he was one of the more normal guys I’ve ever been interested in, but fuck no. He’s just as screwed up as the rest of them. I so badly want to text mean things to him right now, but I don’t know how to be assertive and still maintain some sort of dignity in the situation. What a freaking idiot. I’m so frustrated right now that I want to cry, but fuck that! I won’t let him ruin my night like that. Arrrghghgghghgghghhhh! He’s gonna have to do a lot in order to win me back at all. I have no more respect for him and no more desire to keep trying. What a waste of my time.

Aren’t there any normal guys out there? Blah! Bad taste in my mouth, and it ain’t the sake I’ve been drinking all night