Commitment = Freedom

March 16, 2009.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating – in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around
like rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the
barrier to your life. " -- Anne Morris, a New York Starbucks customer


That’s the quote that was on my Starbucks cup this morning. I thought it was quite fitting. It does make sense. I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand it. But I totally get it. However, even though I know my inner critic can be pretty nasty at times, I don’t think I’d be that much different when committed than I am at this moment.

It’s funny though, I’m incredibly independent, but I love surrounding myself with people. I spent most of the day at home today, by myself, knowing that no roommates were going to enter my apt. It was nice, but I just kept thinking, “who can I call to hang out with?” I want lots of friends, just no roommates. Makes sense, right? I’d like a relationship, but no husband. Makes sense? I like being alone, but having emotional connections.

I have no money, but I desperately want to be social tonight. Might go out for a drink with Nikki and Roger after they get done with work. It’s just nice to have a small chat with people each day. It’s necessary for the human soul. It most definitely is.

Ok, so I left my apt today to go the library, the bank and last the coffee shop. I said to myself, “I’m gonna meet someone. It might be weird, but I am.” Meaning, in these short few hours that I’m wandering around Sherman Oaks, doing errands, I’m gonna meet someone. I didn’t really specify, however. Maybe that’s my problem. Meet someone for what reason? For what type of relationship? I will meet someone with potential of a lasting relationship. That’s who I’m going to meet. Him.

On another note, I finally responded to the email that Ray sent to me the other day. He asked if it was ok with me that he was going to come out for Miguel’s birthday this Friday. Of course I’m not gonna say no! It’s Miguel’s birthday, not mine. Not my choice. I hate when guys do that. Here’s my response:

“Ray,
I'm sorry for the lack of response, but I feel that if I'm too quick to respond or too nice, it may seem as if I'm "leading you on", or "giving you hope for the future". I do wish we could be friends, but just that. Of course I don't mind you being at Miguel's birthday. He loves you and I would never take that relationship away from you guys. I would hope you never let me get in the way of you doing things you would want to do. I really want friday to be great for Miguel, so lets really focus on the fact that we're getting together for his birthday and that it's not a date. I just don't know how to respond to your text's or emails most of the time because of the fact you have feelings for me. It makes it hard to respond in a neutral way. I feel as if I either have to be lovey dovey back or a bitch. There's no in between, because that's confusing. I just want us to be clear. Hope you're doing great, and I'll see you on friday.”

Too harsh? I’m just so tired of responding safely or too kindly and then having to repeatedly “break up” with people. It’s just obnoxious. Saying “no” once should be enough. When a guy rejects me I don’t try again and again to get him to like me. What a waste of time and energy. Humph.

Going to go pick up some bookshelves to put in my empty apt. Yay! Updates soonish.

Ba-donk-a-donk

January 11, 2009.

Meant to go to church this morning with Margaret. Woke up with every intention to, was getting ready, then we just sort of ran out of time. We decided to take a walk down to Starbucks and chat over coffee. Today was absolutely beautiful outside, perfect day for a stroll!

Felt like (maybe I’m just being narcissistic) lots of guys were checking us out at Starbucks today. Maybe it’s cuz I spent that little extra time on myself for the music video I had to go to later. I don’t know, but I kind of felt like a movie star.

Had to be in Pasadena by 1pm to start work on a Country Music Video I got cast in. I was running 20 min late and got there only to discover that it was only the director, my co-star and a camera. Lasted longer than we thought, so I had to miss Improv this evening. Which, I feel really guilty about and have decided for at least the next two months I will no longer schedule anything on Sundays to ensure that I make it to Detour.

My co-star was quite adorable and quite tall. I believe he was 6’7”. I’m only 5’2”, so it’s quite the contrast! He’s 24 and has been out in LA for two years. He was sweet, but I found myself having no interest in making idle chit chat. I was kind of socialized out. Lots of silent moments. However, while waiting for the lighting to be perfected and the camera angle to be figured out, I did find myself wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone that tall. Awkward, I would imagine. You could never kiss while making love. I would hate that! I need to be kissed!

My mind wanders to that a lot. Sex. I wonder if everyone thinks about it as much as I do or if I’m weird. I don’t think about it in the aspect of, “Ooh I wish I were having sex right now….” Or “I’d like to have sex with that!” I just find myself generally curious about the guys I meet and what they must be like in bed. Is that normal?

Well, neither my director or co-star mentioned my ring today. But, like I said, none of us were in a very chatty mood, so maybe they noticed, but just weren’t interested in finding out. Hmm…extra work tomorrow. Might be working with Neil and Miguel again, which would be nice, but I do kind of hope I have lots of time to myself. I’d like to read/write and contemplate things for a bit. We shall see!