Old Friends, New Flames

August 3, 2009.

1:22am

Whenever I miss more than one day of blogging you can tell there's lots going on. It's always the exciting days that I don't have time to blog.

Cliff Notes:

Todd has used up his last chance
I have to restart my “abstinence” counter (old habits die hard)
May be starting something interesting with an old friend
Still pretty stressed

Um, to expand a little. Text Todd on friday night inviting him to come hang out with me and my friend who was visiting. No response. It's officially monday and still haven't heard from him. No excuse for this, especially since he's the one that really wanted to give 'us' a go. I give way too many chances. That was Todd's last. I promise!

I got drunk out of anger on friday night, don't remember half of the evening, but do know that I booty called CRAgent we got our groove on. He's really quite cute and sweet. But i've only seen him about three times now and I've always been drunk. I can't quite bridge the gap into hanging out while sober.

Hung out with, North, an old friend from college last night. He's lived in L.A. for about three years now and I saw him very briefly when I first came out, but haven't seen or talked to him since. He's been in a relationship with the same girl since I met him my freshman year of college. I've always enjoyed his company and despite his many “issues”, I think he's a really great guy. Well...he's single now. And in my opinion, I had one of the greatest nights I've had in L.A. with him last night.

We were drinking with Ann, who was in town visiting me these past few days. We all went to college together. So we went to North's place, grabbed some dinner and then a bottle of vodka and got a bit tipsy. Ann was clearly all over North. I'm sure she's always had a crush on him, he's great, he's talented, he was in a band...she's a sucker for that. But Ann has quite the 'tude and can be difficult to get along with sometime. She clearly annoys the hell out of North. So, I just sat back and watched as North sent me messages with his eyes and Ann flopped all over North. Later, after Ann was passed out and North and I were spending a quiet moment with a glass of water in his kitchen, he told me that I'm “really good at acting disinterested.”

That I am. It's called my defense mechanism.

Well, North and I kissed. I've known him for 7 yrs now and nothing has ever happened between us until last night. It was really, really, really great. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all night. I'm dying to hang with him again and dying to know how he feels about what transpired.

It was just such a genuinely sweet evening. We kissed a lot. I wouldn't even call it 'making out' because it was filled with more care and less lust. He's a great kisser. Man. Even writing this I'm zoning out because I'm just thinking of how great it was.

Ann had passed out in his bed, so he and I crashed together on the floor. However, we didn't want Ann to know anything had gone on between us, so in the morning time, we acted completely cool. She asked as we left his place, “Did anything happen with you guys?” and I casually said, “No”.

But wow. Whatever that was, was pretty freakin' great.

Now, worries that I have about the situation. North is incredible. He hasn't really been single since he was about 15...um, yeah. So, I don't want to rush him into something he's not ready for. But, he was the one doing all this relationship talk last night and explaining how he's just so tired of L.A. and will never fit in because he's not just looking to get laid.

Despite what this blog leads you to believe, I really am not looking to just get laid either. I really truly do want something meaningful and worthwhile. I think I could have this with North.

And, sure, I know what you're all thinking, “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” I'm really going to try to take things slow with him. As slow as I can handle.

I actually get nervous when I think about sex with him because we've known eachother for so long, it could either be incredible or a really bad idea. So, I'm gonna put that on the back burner until I'm totally ready.

Emotionless sex is easy. It's when you truly care about someone that it gets complicated...

Things I don't want to forget about last night:

The way his eyebrows would lift up as if totally surprised every time I kissed him
When he made me lean in to kiss him so that he would “know I was kissing him and not vice versa”
“Truth time”
Pinky swearing that if we felt awkward in the am we'd be honest
Him telling me, “You smell really good...sorry, was that creepy?”
Him taking pictures of us, because he wanted to remember this moment
How hugging him just felt right
The way he cupped his hands around my chin and pulled me in for each kiss
He told me I'm the perfect height
He was wearing a shirt that has batman and robin kissing, so I said, “So, I guess I'm Robin...” and he replied, “If that means I'm Batman, hell yeah.”
He joined in when I did “runway” down his apt. hall
I told him he's “fun” (refer back to Lacey's and my conversation about Todd and other boys not being “fun enough”) North totally is.

Think I need to see him again tomorrow. Haven't felt this way about a guy since the infamous ex and I started dating...eek. Scary shit.

Redemption.

July 11, 2009.
3:40pm. Ok, almost thirteen hours since my last post and I take it back. I don't hate Saturdays...they're just always one of my more busy days, so I was feeling grumpy about not getting to sleep in and not getting to sleep next to Todd.

He redeemed himself today. He text and said he laid down to take a nap last night and didn't wake up till this morning. He said he was really upset at himself for falling asleep and tonight I should consider him my “stalker” because he just wants to go wherever I'm going.

Will commented on my last post: “whoa...are you falling for Todd???? :)”

Am I falling for Todd...hmmm?. Well, perhaps. I think I'm falling for the stability that he brings to me. Knowing that he genuinely cares for me and likes spending time with me and doesn't need the sex factor is really fabulous. I'm feeling more and more able to be myself around him (I was having concerns about this) and I'm enjoying his company more because it's him, Todd, and not because it's just a guy.

Falling for him...I don't want to jump on that train just yet, but perhaps if things continue to go as nicely as they have been. I think we're both equally terrified to jump into a full fledged relationship just yet, but I could see maybe in another month or so.

I do find myself still looking, when guys pass by or come into work, I definitely check them out. But, I'm quicker to push any thoughts of them out of my mind and focus on Todd, and it often makes me smile. I think that's a good sign.

I guess I really like the balance that Todd and I have right now. We're into eachother but there are no rules or limitations that we impose. He likes that I'm uber social and go out with my girlfriends all the time and never asks me to change plans for him. I like that he goes golfing with his boys on the weekend and would never ask him to change those plans. I'm just terrified that this may change...I'll try my best to keep it how it is, because for some strange reason, it's just working.

So, I'm gonna step back and just let it work, I suppose.

And in case any of you were wondering, I have not had sex this month and I'm trying my hardest despite sleepovers with Todd to keep it that way. I want to make sure I've got a good clean slate for awhile. Let's just hope Todd doesn't explode (no pun intended). I think he genuinely cares enough to not try anything until I'm 100% ready. And trust me, it's just as hard for me to say no, but I always try to think about how I'll feel the next day if I keep the promise I made to myself to abstain.

Oh poor Todd...he had no idea what kind of mess he was getting into...

I'm getting to the point...

June 19, 2009.

Man oh man. I got up yesterday and spent the entire day on set of an infomercial. After the previous nights drinking extravaganza I was pretty exhausted. However, at 6pm when I got off set, I called Nikki and Jess, we all met up for dinner and then planned on going out again. Despite Jess' remaining hangover and my pure exhaustion.

It was just gonna be the three of us until...CRAgent text to see what I was up to. Then said he'd try to meet us out if he got all his laundry done. Then Todd text saying he really wanted to see me and misses me. Then I had to make the decision of which one to actually invite out, because obviously they both can't be there. Then Laurie text me and invited us to go to the Roosevelt for Jazz Night. Awesome. So we told him, “We're on our way!”

Then the thought...well, what if Madrid is there. So, Todd and I already have plans for this weekend, so he told me to go ahead and party like a rockstar, he'll see me Friday or Sat. Ok...then CRAgent finally decided that his laundry was too big of a task and told me to call him if I got bored later. Meaning, if I need a booty call, he's around. No thanks.

So the universe made up my decision for me. Madrid was who I was meant to spend my evening with. We got to Jazz night and Madrid was the first person we say. I hugged him noncommittally and asked, “Where's Laurie?” I knew this would get under his skin.

Then I proceeded to keep my back to him while ordering drinks at the bar and he finally took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He was frustrated. Then as we chatted a bit at the bar he traded places with me because he “couldn't see my face” the shadow was too much.

Then he disappeared for a bit. Jess, Nikki, Laurie and I danced shortly, then us girls perched ourselves near the back of the club to chat.

Eventually, Madrid found his way back to us and moved us into a larger area where all of us could sit together. I secretly made note of where Madrid decided to sit. There was a large leather couch, Jess was the first to claim a seat on it. Then I sat on the other end of it, purposely not leaving quite enough room for one more next to me. But...Madrid pushed his way onto the couch next to me.

What is the deal? I just wanted to scream at him the whole time, “Why are you such an asshole??? And why do I still think you're attractive despite your asshole-ness?”

So, I acted pretty distant the entire night, not sure he noticed. He went into one of his rants and I half listened pretending to care and fully understand what he was saying, while planning my attack. It presented itself nicely.

He told me a Chinese proverb: “The nail that sticks out is the first to get hammered.” So, he was sticking out and I was ready to hammer away! (That is so not meant in any sexual manner). So, I asked him about the previous night. He admitted to being a little upset that I text Laurie and not him. He played games with Laurie and said, “Well, you go have fun, she invited you, not me...”

Then when he showed up, he was turned off by the “douchebagery” and the techno music (it wasn't techno, it was hip hop dance, btw.) I told him that he could've turned that place into whatever he wanted.

My favorite thing about my girls is that when we go out, we have a plan in our heads: to have a great night. So if we enter a place that isn't quite what we were hoping for “atmosphere” wise, then we turn it into what we wanted. And every night with my girls is fabulous.

I told him this to show him that the world around you is what you make of it. That bar was full of douchebags to him because that's what he wanted to see.

I called him out on being jealous. I told him my honest side of the story. “I don't call guys.” I said this and then went on to explain. “I don't like hanging out with people that don't really want to be with me, there's no point. So if a guy doesn't call me, I assume he doesn't want my company. I don't chase. Especially with the type of guys that you get in LA.”

I went on to explain also that the reason I invited Laurie specifically the other night is because he's a friend and that's it. I knew that he would be fun and have a good time. That's what I wanted. A good time sans drama.

I also threw some other witty things his way that essentially challenged him to prove to me that he's not an asshole. I said to him that I don't see a point in playing games and he said, “Games are fun.”

He failed. We stayed till close, then on our way out we stopped at the bathroom. I told Jess in the bathroom all about our conversation. There were two other girls in there washing their hands. They left the bathroom, I washed my hands and then when we walked out of the restroom, there he was, Madrid, chatting up those two girls.

The bouncers were quickly throwing us out, we found Laurie and he told us he was driving us to our car (since we parked around the block). Madrid was nowhere to be found. I kept expecting him to come running after us, but nothing. So we all just left w/o him and w/o saying goodbye. What the hell.

My phone had died, which was annoying because I was dying to text him something, anything to get his blood boiling. I feel like this is now our “game”: piss eachother off. At least it's my game.

When I got home, I plugged my phone in and text him, “Hope you have fun with those girls tonight...don't get into too much more trouble.”

He responded: “Ok. But...You left me!

I replied: “No, we said we were leaving. You chose to stay.” You asshole.

Why do these types of guys keep coming into my life?? Laurie is such a genuinely nice guy and it just shocks me that he would introduce his asshole friend to me. I gave Madrid more credit before I even knew him because he's friends with Laurie. I shouldn't have done that.

Bizarre events.

My phone just rang it was that surfer from Malibu. He was calling because he's “in my neck of the woods.” Wow, he's been pretty persistent since we met about a week ago! I think I would like to go on a date with him or at least hang out with him again sometime, just to see what he's really like.

Ok, well before I went out last night I was reading comments from you, my lovely readers and one of my followers was brutally and justifiably honest. I appreciated her comment greatly and it was a needed slap in the face:


“the blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.

So why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc...”

First of all, Margarita, thank you for your tough love. I need it every once in a while. Secondly, you are absolutely right. I have strayed, horribly from my original plan.

I did feel strong and independent and confident when this year started that I would be able to complete my task for a whole year. And I failed.

I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself and I do feel that as soon as I let myself fall for Seattle, I just plain fell. Landed harshly on my face and from my past the only way I know to get over a heartbreak is to find replacements, meaningful or not. So, I basically began repeating my last year:

Major heartbreak = 10 partners in one year, none of which I could ever claim to love or even call a sig. other.

Now here's the perfect timing of your tough love. It's June. Exactly halfway through the year. I was good for three of those past months and since April I have faltered terribly. But now, I still have five more full months to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

I do think I have to revise my rules though a bit. I started at the beginning saying I wasn't looking for love, but I had said, I also wouldn't be closed off to it. The no sex policy was in place and that shall remain. I also promised to be as social as possible, because otherwise the year would be way too easy and boring with me sitting around alone at home. That would not have been a challenge. Half the challenge is being around guys, lust and emotions and seeing if I could handle it (obviously, I couldn't).

Ok, so from here on out, I will be abstaining, I promise (my heart is beating a little faster as I promise, because I'm worried I'll fail at this, but I honestly really want to succeed!). I will still be dating men, but will not be depending on them. They're there to enjoy a dinner/movie/the beach with, but that's that.

Now, Todd and I have plans this weekend to have a “slumber party”, which he already knows will not involve sex...but is the slumber party too much? Do you think I need to avoid sleepovers all together in order to regain my power and faith in myself?

I don't know. I feel like it's harmless, but maybe it's not.

So, abstaining, dating Irene. That's more of what I'll be. I will not have to whine or bitch about guys making me feel bad anymore, because I won't let them be in a position to hurt me. They will be like my childhood Nintendo, fun to play with, especially when bored, but there are other things and activities to take their place on a regular basis. And those other things are healthier for me and much more satisfying!

Who's to say what's Good or Bad?

May 20, 2009.

So I have a couple of conflicting issues in my head right now. Issue #1: I like sex. I think it's fun. Issue #2: I don't want to have one night stands and pointless sex (like I stated at the beginning of my year of abstinence). What's a girl to do?

Thank goodness for good friends like Nikki, who supplied me with Velvet (my vibrator) on my birthday, but it's just not the same. Sometimes you want that real person who's gonna press against you, sweat with you, pant with you, try tons of positions with you, pull your hair a little, kiss your lips softly, then maybe a bit more passionately, hold your hands down so that you're merciless, moan with pleasure when you draw your nails down his back. Velvet my friend...I'm sorry, there's just more to sex than orgasming.

I just finished reading, “The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possibly” by A.J. Jacobs. The author was atheist and decided to live a whole year dissecting the bible and abiding by each and every rule as literally as possible. It was very humorous but also very enlightening. Towards the end of the book (spoiler alert) you notice how it has transformed him and he actually enjoys his new found spirituality and “pureness”. He feels like a better person. More enlightened. I want that. I want to feel that way. And I think that's sort of what I had hoped to feel after this year.

I want more enlightenment in my life. What's it all about? Why do humans need relationships so badly to survive? How come it is so hard in this modern world to find just one person you connect with? I want to feel like a good person, who deserves to be in a good relationship with someone else who is also good.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get it, I just feel like I've fallen off my original path a bit and perhaps it's time to back track and get back to where I was a few months ago. Plus, I think I need to swear less. It's so un-lady like, and I'm terrible at this. I counted and already I've sworn about five times today. And that's pretty good for me!

Last night, I arrived back in LA at 9:00pm, hurried home and changed, sprayed on some perfume and hopped in the car with Nikki. Off to Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's...

Man was there eye candy there tonight! Yumm...plus Mike (from C's) came and brought his friend Sean. Also yumm...Sean was chatting me up and I couldn't help but think that Mike was getting jealous. So, out of respect for Mike and I's newly found friendship, I wrote Sean out of the question. At one moment Sean went to use the restroom and Mike approached me, “So you feeling it?” And I nonchalantly said, “I don't date actors.”

“I never said anything about dating,” Mike replies

“Well, I don't hook up with actors...” Then we proceeded to have yet another obnoxious conversation about what happened over a year ago now...GET OVER IT MIKE! WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SEX!!!

Yuck. Well, when we were leaving the bar, Jake, a guy Nikki is newly interested in and his friend Marvin walked us out to the car. Marvin and I had been joking (sexually) for a bit back and forth, but I was totally joking...no interest whatsoever there. But apparently he didn't get it and after hugging me goodbye twice, he went in for a kiss and some tongue action. I was so confused. I pulled away and said with a smile, “Hey...we gotta save some for later!” (Referring to our fictional date on Thursday).
Eww...guys, why do you do this? What makes you think we want you to kiss us? What makes you think that we're all about making out with a stranger the night we meet them? Ok...sure, some girls like this and go out each night looking for this, but ewwwwwww. I'm severely sickened by this event last night and super nervous that Marvin is going to call tomorrow, expecting to hang out and I'm gonna have to now avoid his calls, his friends and that bar.

I drunk text Todd, Lacey and Seattle last night. I tried sooo hard not to text Seattle, but I couldn't help it. It was just too tempting. I told him, “I'm drunk and all I can think about is you...hope work is going awesome and I hope you don't hate me...”

Heard from him bright and early this morning (on his way to work, I imagine), “Irene, I would never hate you. I think about you all the time as well and this situation really does suck. I am sad and lonely but trying to get by and think about other things.”

I told him that I still want to keep in touch, but perhaps it needs to be through text and email, things a little less personal than phone calls, because it's just too hard to hear his voice. I hope we can still “chat”.

Todd was super happy to get a drunk text from me. He told me that one of the things he “loves about [me]” is the fact that I came back from home and even though I must've been exhausted and jet lagged (due to the time diff), I still went out and partied with my friends. He loves that I party. He leaves on yet another exotic vacation tomorrow morning so he wants to hang out tonight. I'm working till 10pm, but told him to give me a call and let me know where he's gonna be and maybe we can meet up.

Again, another dilemma...Todd's a great guy, but like I said, that last night we hung out, where did the chemistry go? However, I know that when he's drinking and when I'm drinking (damn alcohol! - does damn count as a swear?) things happen. Alcohol+Humans = chemistry up the wazoo.

Humph. I miss Seattle. (waaaa...i sound like such a cry baby. I promise my loyal readers, I will never utter those words again, so help me God!)