I want you to want me!

August 24, 2009.

“There's blood in my mouth 'cause i've been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but i never say anything.
And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news,baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
'Cause we'll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we'll all be portions for foxes.

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news. I don't blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news,baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
I like you”
[ Portions For Foxes Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

I just heard that song, it's by Rilo Kiley. Wish I could say I wrote those lyrics, cuz it pretty much sounds like my life. Oh Rilo...how you sing my soul!
Not much news to report today. Still packing. Still cleaning. Still no word from North.

I was feeling pretty happy earlier today so I text Drummer, “What are you doing tonight?”

Apparently he's driving up to Redwood City to play a show tomorrow. Our schedules really just don't match up. I told him I'm leaving on friday for a week so we better hang soon!

It's funny for awhile I didn't want to hang with him again because I just don't want to lead him on if I do in fact have a chance with North. But now the more I think about it, I've been pushing away the one boy that's genuinely interested in spending time with me. Drummer texts all the time trying to get me to hang out and I continually say, “Not tonight”. Well, not anymore! I think I'd like to spend time with a boy that wants to spend time with me.

It's all just part of my pattern. I go for the unavailable, uninterested ones because they're more of a challenge. C'mon...who doesn't choose the hard to get ones?

Over that game. Drummer...let's hang!

p.s. Nikki's already had sex twice in the new place...I feel some bitterness arising in the next few weeks. Thank goodness I'm headed out of town for a full week! Eek!

Old Friends, New Flames

August 3, 2009.

1:22am

Whenever I miss more than one day of blogging you can tell there's lots going on. It's always the exciting days that I don't have time to blog.

Cliff Notes:

Todd has used up his last chance
I have to restart my “abstinence” counter (old habits die hard)
May be starting something interesting with an old friend
Still pretty stressed

Um, to expand a little. Text Todd on friday night inviting him to come hang out with me and my friend who was visiting. No response. It's officially monday and still haven't heard from him. No excuse for this, especially since he's the one that really wanted to give 'us' a go. I give way too many chances. That was Todd's last. I promise!

I got drunk out of anger on friday night, don't remember half of the evening, but do know that I booty called CRAgent we got our groove on. He's really quite cute and sweet. But i've only seen him about three times now and I've always been drunk. I can't quite bridge the gap into hanging out while sober.

Hung out with, North, an old friend from college last night. He's lived in L.A. for about three years now and I saw him very briefly when I first came out, but haven't seen or talked to him since. He's been in a relationship with the same girl since I met him my freshman year of college. I've always enjoyed his company and despite his many “issues”, I think he's a really great guy. Well...he's single now. And in my opinion, I had one of the greatest nights I've had in L.A. with him last night.

We were drinking with Ann, who was in town visiting me these past few days. We all went to college together. So we went to North's place, grabbed some dinner and then a bottle of vodka and got a bit tipsy. Ann was clearly all over North. I'm sure she's always had a crush on him, he's great, he's talented, he was in a band...she's a sucker for that. But Ann has quite the 'tude and can be difficult to get along with sometime. She clearly annoys the hell out of North. So, I just sat back and watched as North sent me messages with his eyes and Ann flopped all over North. Later, after Ann was passed out and North and I were spending a quiet moment with a glass of water in his kitchen, he told me that I'm “really good at acting disinterested.”

That I am. It's called my defense mechanism.

Well, North and I kissed. I've known him for 7 yrs now and nothing has ever happened between us until last night. It was really, really, really great. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all night. I'm dying to hang with him again and dying to know how he feels about what transpired.

It was just such a genuinely sweet evening. We kissed a lot. I wouldn't even call it 'making out' because it was filled with more care and less lust. He's a great kisser. Man. Even writing this I'm zoning out because I'm just thinking of how great it was.

Ann had passed out in his bed, so he and I crashed together on the floor. However, we didn't want Ann to know anything had gone on between us, so in the morning time, we acted completely cool. She asked as we left his place, “Did anything happen with you guys?” and I casually said, “No”.

But wow. Whatever that was, was pretty freakin' great.

Now, worries that I have about the situation. North is incredible. He hasn't really been single since he was about 15...um, yeah. So, I don't want to rush him into something he's not ready for. But, he was the one doing all this relationship talk last night and explaining how he's just so tired of L.A. and will never fit in because he's not just looking to get laid.

Despite what this blog leads you to believe, I really am not looking to just get laid either. I really truly do want something meaningful and worthwhile. I think I could have this with North.

And, sure, I know what you're all thinking, “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” I'm really going to try to take things slow with him. As slow as I can handle.

I actually get nervous when I think about sex with him because we've known eachother for so long, it could either be incredible or a really bad idea. So, I'm gonna put that on the back burner until I'm totally ready.

Emotionless sex is easy. It's when you truly care about someone that it gets complicated...

Things I don't want to forget about last night:

The way his eyebrows would lift up as if totally surprised every time I kissed him
When he made me lean in to kiss him so that he would “know I was kissing him and not vice versa”
“Truth time”
Pinky swearing that if we felt awkward in the am we'd be honest
Him telling me, “You smell really good...sorry, was that creepy?”
Him taking pictures of us, because he wanted to remember this moment
How hugging him just felt right
The way he cupped his hands around my chin and pulled me in for each kiss
He told me I'm the perfect height
He was wearing a shirt that has batman and robin kissing, so I said, “So, I guess I'm Robin...” and he replied, “If that means I'm Batman, hell yeah.”
He joined in when I did “runway” down his apt. hall
I told him he's “fun” (refer back to Lacey's and my conversation about Todd and other boys not being “fun enough”) North totally is.

Think I need to see him again tomorrow. Haven't felt this way about a guy since the infamous ex and I started dating...eek. Scary shit.

Redemption.

July 11, 2009.
3:40pm. Ok, almost thirteen hours since my last post and I take it back. I don't hate Saturdays...they're just always one of my more busy days, so I was feeling grumpy about not getting to sleep in and not getting to sleep next to Todd.

He redeemed himself today. He text and said he laid down to take a nap last night and didn't wake up till this morning. He said he was really upset at himself for falling asleep and tonight I should consider him my “stalker” because he just wants to go wherever I'm going.

Will commented on my last post: “whoa...are you falling for Todd???? :)”

Am I falling for Todd...hmmm?. Well, perhaps. I think I'm falling for the stability that he brings to me. Knowing that he genuinely cares for me and likes spending time with me and doesn't need the sex factor is really fabulous. I'm feeling more and more able to be myself around him (I was having concerns about this) and I'm enjoying his company more because it's him, Todd, and not because it's just a guy.

Falling for him...I don't want to jump on that train just yet, but perhaps if things continue to go as nicely as they have been. I think we're both equally terrified to jump into a full fledged relationship just yet, but I could see maybe in another month or so.

I do find myself still looking, when guys pass by or come into work, I definitely check them out. But, I'm quicker to push any thoughts of them out of my mind and focus on Todd, and it often makes me smile. I think that's a good sign.

I guess I really like the balance that Todd and I have right now. We're into eachother but there are no rules or limitations that we impose. He likes that I'm uber social and go out with my girlfriends all the time and never asks me to change plans for him. I like that he goes golfing with his boys on the weekend and would never ask him to change those plans. I'm just terrified that this may change...I'll try my best to keep it how it is, because for some strange reason, it's just working.

So, I'm gonna step back and just let it work, I suppose.

And in case any of you were wondering, I have not had sex this month and I'm trying my hardest despite sleepovers with Todd to keep it that way. I want to make sure I've got a good clean slate for awhile. Let's just hope Todd doesn't explode (no pun intended). I think he genuinely cares enough to not try anything until I'm 100% ready. And trust me, it's just as hard for me to say no, but I always try to think about how I'll feel the next day if I keep the promise I made to myself to abstain.

Oh poor Todd...he had no idea what kind of mess he was getting into...

No judgment please...

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.

Slumber Party #2

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

Ciao bella...

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.

I'll be honest with you...

June 13, 2009.

Wow. So, I called Todd last night when I was done with work and he was real sweet on the phone and said he wanted to go out. I told him that I had no set plans and to let me know if he ends up in the valley. He said he was considering a couple bars in the valley and he'd like to see me. Then I said, “I'd like that too.” And he responded, “Then the valley it is!”

We met up at Rocco's, I went with Miguel (believe it or not), Lil' bro, and Nikki. Todd showed up with an entourage as well. We hugged hello and it was a little awkward. We spent the next 30 minutes at opposite ends of the table from one another.

But the night progressed and the alcohol loosened us up a bit. Nikki and I tried to get a dance party going and were joined by a couple of guys. Then Todd and his friend, Aaron, who I adore, joined us. The guys that Nikki and I were talking with challenged us to a dance off and I was just having fun and goofing around, when Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled me away from those guys.

I think he was being a good friend to Todd and cockblocking a bit. I wasn't purposely flirting with those other guys or trying to make Todd jealous. In fact, I wasn't really showing any interest other than dancing, I thought.

Then I glanced over and I saw Todd and his other friend chatting up some girls. I got jealous. Uh-oh. What is this feeling?? Ha. But, I let it slide...

Then Aaron drove us all back to my place where Nikki was spending the night and Todd came in with his friends for one last drink. I went into my disaster of a room for a moment and kind of hid my mess in my closet, just on the off chance, Todd wanted to spend the night...

Todd snuck up on me while I was doing my covert clean up operation. He pushed me (gently, seductively) up against my closet doors (which are full length mirrors) and said, “You know, I don't often get jealous. I'm a very “out of sight, out of mind” guy. What you do when I'm not around, I don't care. But, I was kind of getting jealous tonight.”

I apologized and reassured him it was not my intention to make him jealous. He kissed me and we started making out. It was pretty hot, but then lil bro popped his head in and totally ruined the moment. Ha, oh bro!!

We returned to everyone else in the living room and I was cuddling with Todd on the couch and he asked if I wanted him to sleep over. Of course I did! So after everyone left/went to bed, I climbed in bed with Todd. Made out, got nakey, but stuck to my no sex policy.

It felt different being with him last night. It felt more honest and real and passionate. I liked it a lot.

I feel like this new door of honesty has been opened between us and I hope it never closes, because I'm seeing this whole other side of Todd I never knew existed.

*sigh of relief.

Sent.

June 11, 2009

So I sent the email:

"Hey you,
So, ever since you brought up Costa Rica, I haven't been able to get my mind off things. I wish we saw eachother more often so I could have conversations with you face to face, but since I don't think I'll see you until Saturday, just wanted to let you know what's going on in my head.

I don't think I mentioned this to you before, but at the beginning of the year I took a vow that I would put myself and my career first. Last year was such a messy year with boys and emotions and it truly distracted me from the whole reason I came to Cali. I planned on spending this whole year single and abstinent (yikes, i know). Which, I've already failed and let my guard down on both points.

I really enjoy spending time with you and hope that we can continue to, I just want to be honest and let you know that I don't think I can get into anything serious right now. I'm not ready to be a girlfriend and I'm not physically/emotionally able yet to be there fully for anyone.

I'm not really sure how you see "us", but I would hate to ever be accused of leading you on in any way because that is not my intention. In my ideal world, we can still spend time together (sans sex, because it messes with my emotions). I want you to be honest with me at all times as well about how you feel.

Also, I want you to know that I appreciate your generosity and your invitations, but I never want you to think that is the reason I spend time with you...my favorite moments don't cost a thing.

Call me tonight or sometime before saturday when you get a chance so that we can actually talk. I hope your week has gone smoothly! Mine's been rather fast. I'd like to see you this weekend, but I understand if you don't feel the same."


Holding my breath to see the response...

Eek.

What a weekend...

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.



Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

Affection is Necessary.

May 27 2009.

You guys all gave me great advice about my last posts issue. But I just went ahead and slept with both of them anyway. I figured that was the easiest way to get them off my back! My boss was pretty good....adventurous, not a bad size and very senisitive after. We cuddled.

Todd was a bit rough, but I liked it. He called me names and pulled my hair. But again, after he was Mr. Sensitivity. We cuddled.


Ok....so I'm totally KIDDING!!! I would never do that. I agree with you all. I'm going to thank Todd and continue to tell him that what he did was very very unnecessary, but generous and appreciated. He really isn't the type of guy to do that just to get me into bed. It just definitely makes me feel like I owe him something in return. Our next dinner is definitely on me!

Work was fine today. Boss was there and we joked a little but not too much.

I realized how much I miss affection today. I want a man who will wrap his arms around me from behind and kiss my neck and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I want that. It feels safe and nice and comforting. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss that.

I just got home, am a little tipsy and should be going to sleep because I'm getting up bright and early to hike with the girls. Love it!

Can't tell you how much I desire to text Boss these days though. I really want him to understand that I do like him. I like him as a boss, I like him as a friend and if he were single and respectable, I'd like him as more. I think we've both gotten our signals crossed lately and are a bit confused. I hope the confusion ends soon.

Supposed to see Todd tomorrow evening. Still have yet to talk to him about his way too generous donation, I hope tomorrow we can talk about it. I need to be brave! I need to just blurt it out!

Ok...sleepy time. Night!

Does Money Always mean Sex??

May 27, 2009.

Oh emotions!! Why must they be so necessary? At work last night, my Boss was getting even more bold. It's probably my fault for letting it get to this point and joking back in return, but wowza! We all have to pay a discount price if we want a “shift meal” but he never makes me pay and before I always took it as, oh well, i'm just such a hard worker and he's rewarding that hard work. But now, I feel bad and think, oh, well, if he keeps paying for things or giving me things for free...it's because he wants to sleep with me. Oy. But last night, we were by ourselves and he goes:

“Irene, you know, I'm gonna be pretty lonely next week. Erica's out of town.”

And I rolled my eyes and sarcastically said, “Oh, so do you want me to come over and keep you company?” Trust me, it was an incredibly sarcastic tone.

And he kept saying things about it, like he'd be a gentleman, and I could have the bed, he'd sleep on the couch, blah blah blah. Then I just had to walk away. The whole situation is just making me angry now. I've always thought of him as a decent guy, despite knowing about his infidelities. He's a great boss, a nice guy, he can be serious and get down to business when need be. But that was all before he started blatently hitting on me through text and at work!!!

Nikki and I were on our way to a pub last night after work and she goes, “I think Boss is in love with you!”

And I sort of freaked out and told her how angry I am. It just sucks for me, because if he is, wonderful, what does that do for me? He's still with his girlfriend, and I'm not about to be one of his infidelities and even if they weren't together, I wouldn't trust starting anything with him because he's a cheat. I wanna say that to him, but how does one say that to their boss?? I need a drunken night of honesty with him. That way, the next day I can always be like, “Oh well, that was the booze talking!” in case it goes terribly wrong. But I suppose drinking with him is a bad idea as well, since that would lead to temptation. Ugh. It's just so weird.

Well, my night got even more drama filled. At the bar with Nikki and Jess and Nikki's new interest, I had a glass of wine and then became really sad and introverted. I just couldn't help but to feel hopeless again. I just feel as though I'm going to live in LA for a lot longer and LA does not offer relationships. It offers flings. At least for me. Apparently not for Nikki. So, basically, I have to accept that I'm out here for my career and that means no love for Irene. I've always chosen career over love, so maybe this is just my kharma. Ha. I didn't think of that until just now, but I guess it is my relationship kharma coming out!

Anywho, I decided to go home and mope alone, since everyone kept asking what was wrong (I guess they could tell despite my attempts at acting normal) and I could only say so many times, “I'm so exhausted!” I text Seattle on the way home. Big mistake. I was on the verge of tears even before we talked but I just wanted to ask him one thing.

“What's wrong with me? Why is no one willing to be in a relationship with me?” I feel like it must be me. I mean Seattle seemed like he liked me a whole lot, but now he's going around sleeping with other girls, so it must've been me, right?

Well, our conversation quickly went south and I ended up telling him that I just can't be friends with him. What's the point? I've got enough friends here and why would we even bother being friends when we don't even live in the same state?

But, it's true. I feel like Seattle got his cake and ate it too and now he's got everything he wants: a single life with which he's free to bang as many chicks as he wants, he's friends with me, which is basically what we were before, since we couldn't really see one another, he gets his sex from Becks and his emotional support from me. What do I get? A whole lot of shit thrown in my face. Yeah, that's not equal and I'm not willing to do that for him.

The convo last night was pretty bad and I woke up this morning with a new perspective. I wrote him an apology email for how the conversation went last night, but I told him I still feel the same way. I don't want to be friends. He's the one that wanted out. He's out. There's no need for him to still be hanging on to me.

Alright, so on to more confusion and randomness. Todd called me yesterday, he's back in town. We chatted, he told me how excited he is that I have an improv show this friday and he's been getting all his friends together to come out. I told him the drama the theater is having and we may not even be getting to perform this friday. He got all sad and told me whatever I or the company needs he's there. I just said 'thanks' but we'll figure it out.

So this morning, I woke up to a phone call from the artistic director/owner of my theater company. I let it go to voicemail since I was barely awake. Then I listened to the message:

“Hey Irene, its John. I just wanted to call you and say thank you for speaking to your friend Todd. He made a $500 donation to the theater to keep that Detour show happening. It was very very generous. Thank you for speaking to him on behalf of the company like that, I really appreciate it.”

I jumped out of bed. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT?? I'm so confused by this, a little weirded out, a bit excited and sort of uncomfortable. I never expected nor did I want Todd to do this for me. I just casually mentioned the drama to him to let him know the venue may change and here he is throwing around $500 for our silly little improv show. Wow. I'm speechless.

Now, I have to call and thank him and what....sleep with him? Ha. I don't know. What's appropriate in this situation? I know he didn't do this to get laid, that's not his style. But, really, what is it that he wants from me? I don't understand. All of a sudden, he's back in my life and wants to stay in it so badly that he's making way too generous donations to my theater company?

Ok, I'm weirded out by it. Gotta run to an acting class information session, otherwise I'd ramble on longer about this crazy situation. But, I'll update later this evening.

Playing field levelled...

May 24, 2009.

Ahh! It's the first time I've missed a day of blogging all month. I have a good excuse though. I was out of my house from 8am yesterday morning until 11am this morning. My schedule is crazy busy this weekend (thank God!it distracts me from Seattle's nonexistent visit).

Wow. So much can happen in a day though! So, my boss started texting me on friday night. He was supposed to come out with us, then plans changed, I stayed in and I thought he went to a bar with Nikki. So after like a half hour of texts I was confused, “Aren't you with Nikki?” He apparently didn't go to the bar at all and had stayed home also. So now, the funny playful text messages I had presumed were for the entertainment of him and Nikki, took on a whole different meaning. He was texting some racey sh*t...

I wasn't really in a playful mood, I had been thinking about Seattle and being sad, so I wasn't really making an effort to keep this fl-exting (flirting through text) thing going. I gave up and decided I should go to bed. Said goodnight. This is what he text me:

“Good night, sweet dreams, I mean that. I love that you work there and that I get to work with you. Erica [his girlfriend] always says, “You always talk so highly about Irene it's like you have a crush on her.” Maybe I do...haha, no it's just sexual...haha. Good night!”

I didn't respond. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll?? That's what I was thinking. I'm so confused by him.

Haven't seen him since friday, so not really sure what's going on there.

Last night, me and the girls had decided to go out dancing. We found this place in NoHo called 'Skinny's'. So we ventured out. I had received a text from CRAgent telling me to give him a call after we're done dancing. He told me he was house sitting and there was a jacuzzi. Needless to say I brought my bikini to the bar.

We danced our butts off at this place. It was a lot of fun. There were quite a few guys there but not too many that I'd actually want to get with. When we were done, I text CRAgent and asked if he was still up. He told me to come over. Turns out the place he was house sitting was right down the street from Nikki's, which is where we were. She drove me over there.

He is cute. Cuter than I remembered. He invited me in and I met his older bro. They were playing pool in this amazingly huge beautiful home that belongs to his sister. I was drooling over this place. It was a complete dream home.

Well, I think he was anxious to hang out with me, because his bro wanted to play another round of pool and he really didn't want to. I made him. I never want to get in between someone and their family or friends. I'm not that kind of girl. So I watched as they battled it out...CRAgent kicked some ass. Then he gave me a tour of the house, I met the dog, Charlie and the tour conveniently ended in the master bedroom, where we ended up in bed, making out and fooling around.

Unfortunately, Aunt flo is in town this weekend, and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while bleeding. Especially in someone else's big white fluffy bed. Hell no! So, there was no sex, but (to the tune of 'Found a peanut'):
“I touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, not too small, touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, that is all...”

How old am I again? Ha, so I guess my goal to not touch a penis for awhile is shot out the window. I'm not gonna lie. He's got an awfully nice one. It's not too small, not too big, it's just right. And I enjoy touching it.

The verdict on CRAgent is this: he seems like a really great guy. He seems sweet. He seems mature. I don't know if there's a lot of passion there. I don't know what his likes/dislikes are. I don't know much more than his first name and how to make him orgasm. Not sure where this one is heading, but I'm interested in finding out.

He drove me home at 11 this morning so I could get ready for work. We kissed goodbye in the car, it was sweet.

When I got home, saw that I had missed a text last night from Seattle: “I'm broken. I totally fucked up. And I read the blog. Don't know why I am wanting to talk to you because I know it would hurt both of us. But I still want to.”

I was feeling very zen this morning, so I figured it couldn't hurt to have a quick convo before work. I refused to let it end in tears and decided I really wanted to have a nice conversation with him for a change.

Well...I'm proud of myself. He told me within the first five minutes of the convo that he slept with 'Becks', just like I predicted. Girls know these things...we can sense it even from two states away. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't hang up, I just listened. And it made me feel so much better.

This totally evens out the playing field (maybe even makes him in a worse position because I was the one hurting and upset and looking for a distraction when I slept with CRA, but he just always had feeling for Becks and wouldn't admit it.) Gross, but now I can peacefully move on.

I told him this news actually made me happy and he said, “Now you can just tell yourself that the whole time we were together I wanted Becks the whole time. That'll make it easier.”

“No it won't, why would I do that? Is that the truth?” I was appalled at this statement.

“No, I just thought that makes it easier for you to move on.”

Um, no Seattle, that would make me feel worse. That would make me feel like I meant nothing at all to you and you were just using me for the time being since Becks in engaged (didn't know that did you!) and you can't “see [yourself] having a long relationship with her”.

I need to find a picture of this B*tch and make sure I'm more attractive.

We had a good conversation and I'm happy that we did. Of course I'm still a little bitter and not entirely happy with the situation, but things are looking up. He told me he went out to the bar last night and got a number from some strange chick that was playing games with him. A girl that he had gone to the bar with told him after, “Seattle, you can do so much better.”

I said, “Yeah, you had better.”

And he goes, “I know.” I just had to throw that at him. I guess I do want him to hurt. Maybe just a little.

Ugh. Life. Todd's back this week. Hoping to see CRAgent again this week. I'm free to do what I want!

Off to improv!

Who's to say what's Good or Bad?

May 20, 2009.

So I have a couple of conflicting issues in my head right now. Issue #1: I like sex. I think it's fun. Issue #2: I don't want to have one night stands and pointless sex (like I stated at the beginning of my year of abstinence). What's a girl to do?

Thank goodness for good friends like Nikki, who supplied me with Velvet (my vibrator) on my birthday, but it's just not the same. Sometimes you want that real person who's gonna press against you, sweat with you, pant with you, try tons of positions with you, pull your hair a little, kiss your lips softly, then maybe a bit more passionately, hold your hands down so that you're merciless, moan with pleasure when you draw your nails down his back. Velvet my friend...I'm sorry, there's just more to sex than orgasming.

I just finished reading, “The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possibly” by A.J. Jacobs. The author was atheist and decided to live a whole year dissecting the bible and abiding by each and every rule as literally as possible. It was very humorous but also very enlightening. Towards the end of the book (spoiler alert) you notice how it has transformed him and he actually enjoys his new found spirituality and “pureness”. He feels like a better person. More enlightened. I want that. I want to feel that way. And I think that's sort of what I had hoped to feel after this year.

I want more enlightenment in my life. What's it all about? Why do humans need relationships so badly to survive? How come it is so hard in this modern world to find just one person you connect with? I want to feel like a good person, who deserves to be in a good relationship with someone else who is also good.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get it, I just feel like I've fallen off my original path a bit and perhaps it's time to back track and get back to where I was a few months ago. Plus, I think I need to swear less. It's so un-lady like, and I'm terrible at this. I counted and already I've sworn about five times today. And that's pretty good for me!

Last night, I arrived back in LA at 9:00pm, hurried home and changed, sprayed on some perfume and hopped in the car with Nikki. Off to Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's...

Man was there eye candy there tonight! Yumm...plus Mike (from C's) came and brought his friend Sean. Also yumm...Sean was chatting me up and I couldn't help but think that Mike was getting jealous. So, out of respect for Mike and I's newly found friendship, I wrote Sean out of the question. At one moment Sean went to use the restroom and Mike approached me, “So you feeling it?” And I nonchalantly said, “I don't date actors.”

“I never said anything about dating,” Mike replies

“Well, I don't hook up with actors...” Then we proceeded to have yet another obnoxious conversation about what happened over a year ago now...GET OVER IT MIKE! WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SEX!!!

Yuck. Well, when we were leaving the bar, Jake, a guy Nikki is newly interested in and his friend Marvin walked us out to the car. Marvin and I had been joking (sexually) for a bit back and forth, but I was totally joking...no interest whatsoever there. But apparently he didn't get it and after hugging me goodbye twice, he went in for a kiss and some tongue action. I was so confused. I pulled away and said with a smile, “Hey...we gotta save some for later!” (Referring to our fictional date on Thursday).
Eww...guys, why do you do this? What makes you think we want you to kiss us? What makes you think that we're all about making out with a stranger the night we meet them? Ok...sure, some girls like this and go out each night looking for this, but ewwwwwww. I'm severely sickened by this event last night and super nervous that Marvin is going to call tomorrow, expecting to hang out and I'm gonna have to now avoid his calls, his friends and that bar.

I drunk text Todd, Lacey and Seattle last night. I tried sooo hard not to text Seattle, but I couldn't help it. It was just too tempting. I told him, “I'm drunk and all I can think about is you...hope work is going awesome and I hope you don't hate me...”

Heard from him bright and early this morning (on his way to work, I imagine), “Irene, I would never hate you. I think about you all the time as well and this situation really does suck. I am sad and lonely but trying to get by and think about other things.”

I told him that I still want to keep in touch, but perhaps it needs to be through text and email, things a little less personal than phone calls, because it's just too hard to hear his voice. I hope we can still “chat”.

Todd was super happy to get a drunk text from me. He told me that one of the things he “loves about [me]” is the fact that I came back from home and even though I must've been exhausted and jet lagged (due to the time diff), I still went out and partied with my friends. He loves that I party. He leaves on yet another exotic vacation tomorrow morning so he wants to hang out tonight. I'm working till 10pm, but told him to give me a call and let me know where he's gonna be and maybe we can meet up.

Again, another dilemma...Todd's a great guy, but like I said, that last night we hung out, where did the chemistry go? However, I know that when he's drinking and when I'm drinking (damn alcohol! - does damn count as a swear?) things happen. Alcohol+Humans = chemistry up the wazoo.

Humph. I miss Seattle. (waaaa...i sound like such a cry baby. I promise my loyal readers, I will never utter those words again, so help me God!)

The Mating Game...

May 16, 2009.

What is the deal with guys leaving their socks on during sex? I don't think I'll ever understand this phenomenon.

Last night I went out with the girls and apparently got wasted and apparently made out with a commercial real estate agent at Rocco's and apparently brought him back to my place and apparently gave him the best head of his life (sorry for the bluntness) and apparently had some pretty unspectacular, normal, boring sex.

Old habits die hard, I guess. I just needed to feel in control of a situation and in control I totally was. It was a happy feeling. Well CR Agent was attractive and fun and nice and...35!!!! What is the deal? Ok, to date, that makes four guys in my recent past that have been 34 or older. Why are there so many single above thirty year olds out there that are sleeping around with mid-twenty somethings?? This just isn't fair. I need someone younger. Granted, CRAgent had me fooled, I totally thought he was my age, possibly even younger, because he had a baby face on him. Huh, weird.

I didn't feel guilty this morning when I woke up next to someone that I didn't really care about. I felt comfortable. I felt surprisingly normal. Perhaps because it's what happened so many times last year. But the difference was that the guys from last year I actually knew and knew I would see again. CRAgent has my number and I've got his, but I'm not expecting a phone call anytime soon.

This morning we woke up around 9:30. That's when I noticed the socks. We were still butt naked from the night before and had blankets covering us, but his feet were sticking out from under the covers and all I could think was, “his socks are still on”. He rolled over and cuddled me for a bit. It was nice, but totally unemotional. We fooled around a bit more this morning before he took off. We hugged goodbye and he said I should call him when I'm back in town (I'm home this weekend...away from crazy LA) and we'll go out in Hollywood.

Then he hugged me again and said, “Ugh, I'd kiss you, but I've got dragon breathe...” Then he grabbed my cheeks in the palm of his hands and kissed left then right cheek. What are we European all of a sudden?

It's funny because, yes I was very drunk last night, but I wasn't so drunk that I was blacking out. But I have forgotten bits and pieces of our conversation and today they've been coming in and out of thoughts sparatically. After we had sex I remember asking him, “Do your friends think you're crazy?” (referring to the people he was at the bar with and left behind for me) to which he responded, “Why? For going home with a beautiful girl? Nah!” Good answer.

There was also some conversation about his penis. He was commenting on how small it gets when it's not hard. Agreed, it was rather small. But then miraculously it's not bad when he's turned on. Agreed, it was a decent size. Ha, but why that was part of our conversation? Who knows!

Well, I wrote Seattle an email because I'm pretty sure he'll read this blog and be upset about it. I wanted to tell him about it first, so that he didn't have to find out from the blog. I felt an email was a bit more respectful. He's up on Mt. Rainier this weekend with his best friend and I wouldn't have been able to call him anyway. I also wrote in the email that I don't think we can keep talking at this point in time. It hurts too much. If I can't be with him, then I need to move on. Ugh.

I felt like my email to him was becoming a pile of bullshit, so I unloaded some honesty:

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say with this email. I feel as if I'm trying to be all logical/realistic, positive, blah blah bullshit. When all I really wanna do is scream the top of my lungs how sad I am. I finally found someone worth being with and he's not ready. What a cruel twist of fate.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who will love me, flaws and all. I know for a fact that you are the only man in my life that will ever read my blog and not judge me and still think I'm a great person. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be as honest with someone as I was/am with you. Honesty is all I want out of life and you give that to me completely. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who's gonna stick around for more than a week. I'm scared that I'm boring, I'm scared that I'm not attractive, I'm scared that I have no more chances at real love. I'm scared.

Oh poor pathetic, lost Irene...

Well, I'm seeing lots of people from my past this weekend and will do my best to update and not fall too behind although I will be rather busy. I hope something eye opening happens in the next few days...

I'm a tool.

May 12, 2009.

Can't sleep. It's 4:36am and I've been tossing and turning for the past ½ hour. Not sure if it's the Yogurtland I had last night or the fact that I'm upset about Seattle.

I can't help but feel like a tool in this situation. I feel like Seattle guided me to say what I said yesterday. As if he was unhappy, but didn't want to be the one to break it off because he'd feel so guilty about it, especially since we slept together. So, he used this Becks situation in order to guide me to be the one to break up with him. That way, I come off as the “mature” one, the “responsible one”, the “wonderful one” for being so caring and realistic about the situation and he gets off scott free with exactly what he wanted: my newly founded v-card and Becks.

Gross.

It just makes me unsure of what to believe anymore! I already had major trust issues with guys before I met him. But, I was just beginning to think I'd found someone that actually says what he means and means what he says. Now, I feel like it was a two month scam.

I don't think I want to see him. I mean, what's the point? To have sex one last time? To fake that we're still into each other so he didn't waste $200 on a plane ticket for nothing?

I feel cursed. I feel as if I am destined to be single forever. I suppose it is what I need right now in order to get my career going. But, I'm so tired of being lonely.

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit P.O'd with Seattle and I can't help but think of him spending this night with Becks and I really have no doubt in my mind that he's going to fall under that spell again within the next two weeks. I want no part of it.

Gross.

One Day at a Time

May 1, 2009.

Happy May! Usually this is where I say, “Wow, I’ve made it! Four months abstinent!” But we all know that I’d be lying if I claimed that. Well. It’ll be a whole month before I have sex again (starting from the day I left Washington) So, does that count?

I apologize for the late posting. Skype and Seattle are equally to blame. Man, our Skype romance is blossoming quite nicely. Tonight we watched some youtube videos together, mostly about hamsters and breakdancing. Then we did some online shopping, mostly lingerie and mother’s day gifts (not at the same site/time). I also got to hang out while Seattle showered and got in his p.j.’s. He didn’t show me the goods this time. He figured last time ought to last me a while. I suppose I owe him. Then, last but not least we brushed up our French speaking skills un petit peu.

Man, he’s cute. It’s hard though to talk on Skype and not try to multi-task. I tend to want to check my email or do some more blog research or look up crazy weird things, but when I do that I notice I don’t focus on the conversation and I totally lose track of what he’s saying. I don’t like that. I want to give him my undivided attention. No multi-tasking!

Ok, so here’s the beginning of the list of things I want to do while Seattle’s in town (in 21 days…):

 Cuddle
 Hang out in my bed
 Spend a whole day at the beach
 Surf
 Have a beer on the boardwalk while watching the sunset
 Cuddle some more
 Get nakey
 Wear my new lingerie
 Make plans for our next weekend together (hopefully sooner than a whole month)
 Go see a movie


And, I’m sure I’ll be adding to that list, but for now that’s pretty good. If you have any fantastical ideas be sure to let me know! What stinks is I’m sure I’ll be scheduled to work on Friday night when he arrives. I made sure to request Saturday off because Sunday I’ll be rehearsing improv. Ugh! So, we have to make the most out of Saturday and then I’m not sure if he’ll be leaving on Monday or Tuesday. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday so I have that extra day to canoodle with him! It just ain’t fair. It’s gonna be so painful to say goodbye to him again. Ok, I won’t think about that yet!

“I promise to take one day at a time.” – quote on the ring Nikki gave me, which I’ve been wearing on my ring finger. I like it. It sums up my year!

Status Update

April 23, 2009.

I just changed my status on myspace from “Single” to “In a Relationship”. Still feels a little unreal. But, for some stupid reason, in this technologically run world, changing it on myspace makes it a bit more real. People will know now. I can’t help but wonder how will “the ex” react? Will he be sad? Hurt? Can’t help but hope so. I know, you’d think I’d be over it after almost two years, but a part of me is still angry.

But, let’s not focus on that. Seattle has read all of my blogs to date and I went through them, doing a bit of editing and clean up and I couldn’t help but feel bad. Some of the things I wrote sound so careless and cruel. He told me again on the phone tonight that he feels “jealous”, which is so weird for him, because he’s not a jealous person. I asked if he thought it might be due to the fact that we’re so far apart and things are a bit out of his hands.

I told him I never want to do anything that makes him jealous and I’m completely sincere when I say that. I really, really care about him and I refuse to do stupid things that may jeopardize “us”. Granted I did stupid things in the days leading up to my visit to Seattle. And I hate to make excuses, but I was still confused and uncertain. I was worried to put all my eggs in one basket.

But now I feel confident and happy and I like thinking, “I’m Seattle’s girl”. And I’m ok going to sleep in my bed alone and I’m ok without drunken makeout sessions and I’m ok without going on dates because I know I have a wonderful guy that’s daydreaming of me. Just knowing that we’ve committed to eachother makes such a difference.

Don’t think we’ll be seeing one another again until late May. So I have about another month of celibacy ahead of me…then a weekend of incredible sex? I hope so.

Also, Seattle challenged me tonight. He called me out on the fact that I’m not very good at expressing what I need sexually. I’m great expressing myself physically, but I can’t verbalize it very well. I’ve never thought about this, because no one’s ever brought it to my attention. He made me describe to him; or rather he described and asked if he was correct, the way I can get myself to orgasm while having sex. I was blushing over the phone when he described to a T the actions that I would need to take. How does he know? It’s so weird. I like that he’s so professional, yet so comfortable talking about such intimate material.

On another note, he apparently was talking with his brother James after my visit and told him about being sick all day Sunday. James jokingly said, “You know, fever, chills, flu-like symptoms…first signs of HIV.”

Not funny.

Not funny at all, James. Seattle laughed at this, but it’s hard for me to make a joke of such a thing. I know have that thought planted in my brain and want to go to the doctor and get every test possible just to make sure there are no ugly surprises around the corner. Stupid James…not funny.

My Quest is Over!

April 19, 2009.

So it’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting in Seattle’s apartment watching “Meet the Press” while he’s making us waffles…I could get used to this. Unfortunately, I won’t get a chance to.

He just asked if I want a glass of juice and I glanced over at him and all I can think is, “God he’s cute!” I don’t want to stop staring at him. Not fair.

I’ve avoided saying this whole time “Leaving Monday is going to be so hard.” I’m trying to remain in the here and now and just enjoy the time we have together.

Got here Friday night and swore my heart was going to beat straight out of my chest while waiting to get off the plane. He greeted me outside the terminal in his work clothes. He looked sexy. We hugged and chattered all the way to baggage claim. Got in his car and started making out. Mmm…We drove back to his apartment, stopping for noodles on the way, brought the food back to his place and ate at the table. Then we took a short walk down to Rite-Aid (I had forgotten my contact solution) only to discover it had closed at 7pm. It was 10:30. It was great though, he showed me his campus where he goes to law school and pointed out the building where he works and showed me a bit of the gay bars on Capital Hill near his place.

We got back and attempted to watch an episode of ‘Dexter’ but it was so much more fun to watch one another, make out and yes, attempt to have sex. So, my streak is over. Friday was a little frustrating. I think it was a mix of nerves and emotions but for some reason Seattle couldn’t do it. He tried, but just couldn’t. He reassured me it wasn’t me, he is madly attracted to me.

Well, that didn’t stop us from trying again in the morning. Again, we ran into a bit of trouble. I was now on a mission…I needed to have sex with Seattle and I needed it to be amazing. He got up to shower and I was checking my email when I heard, “Irene?” “Yeah?” I responded. “Do you wanna shower with me??”

It was so cute the way he asked he sounded like he just stepped out of middle school and was awkwardly asking his crush out. Adorable. I couldn’t resist. I joined him.

We proceeded to have a most perfect day, exploring Seattle. He took me to an amazing brunch that overlooked the water and had a great view of the city, then we went for a Ferry ride to Bainbridge where we walked a bit around the harbor and found a great spot to sit and have a beer overlooking the boats. On the ferry ride back to Seattle we were surrounded by high school Prom-ers chattering away. We sat and made comments the whole way back. It was super fun.

Back at his place he made us dinner and we sat and talked politics. Then we cuddled, started watching ‘Dexter’ again and I moved in for the kill… Success! It was awesome! We hopped in the shower after…man it’s hard for me to keep my hands off of him. And vice versa.

We watched another episode of ‘Dexter’ followed by another round of amazing sex.

So I guess that’s it! My jig is up! Three and ½ months abstinent and here I am with a most amazing guy having great sex and no regrets. This does not mean I’m headed back to LA and back to bad habits. Not at all. I made it a goal for myself to not have pointless, meaningless sex. And I haven’t.

Seattle is great. I feel so strongly connected with him and it’s weird because he’s so extremely different than all the other guys I’ve ever been with. I think that’s why I like him so much.

We’re going out to dinner with some of his friends tonight and I’m super stoked to meet and impress them. I can’t wait! I may allow myself to get a little tipsy so that I’m more comfortable/more fun over dinner.

Man, how’d I get lucky enough to find such a great guy in a bar, but am unfortunate enough that he has to live far away…? Such is life.

Not sure where this weekend will leave us yet, but it sure has been great. More to come!

Hopelessness sets in...

April 14, 2009

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve slacked for almost three days now!

Well, we’re down to 3 days till Seattle. I’m still excited but starting to be filled with a sense of hopelessness. What are we doing? We aren’t going to be able to have the type of relationship we want and I already know that long distance and I don’t get along. I’m so upset. I cried the other day while on the phone with Seattle. He didn’t know I was crying; I tried to hide it. I was just feeling so sad because I like that boy so much and yet I feel as if we don’t have a chance in hell of making this thing work.

I was supposed to go out Easter evening with some friends after having dinner at my place with Pete, Miguel and lil’ bro, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t like going out because I’m not trying to meet people and I don’t want to have conversations with guys I don’t care about. Ugh. So, I ditched my friends and stayed in and talked to Seattle for 2 ½ hours.

Last night I worked and then went out to Maeve’s with Nikki. Chad, the boy she’s been seeing for about a week now was there, of course, and Nick, his friend who thinks I’m “cute”, was also there. I tried my hardest to have a good time but it was increasingly difficult. I stood there while Nikki and Chad hugged and kissed and were totally involved in one another and Nick kept staring at me hoping to make interesting conversation and find some connection with me. FYI: I’m totally not interested in Nick, even if Seattle weren’t in the pic, Nick would not make it onto my radar. And it upsets me because, sure Nick’s a nice guy and fun to chill at a bar with, but can’t I do better? I’ve been having this argument with Seattle that the guys that hit on my really bring down my self-confidence. That may sound super snobby and I apologize, but it is true that if you’re constantly being hit on by skeezy looking, lame guys, you start to wonder: “Is that what I really deserve?”

And it’s especially hard when you have a gorgeous friend like Nikki that attracts the cutest, nicest guys. Where are my cute nice guys? Why can’t they live in LA?

To top off my night BM#1, who I haven’t heard from/have been ignoring since that unsuccessful trip down to Redondo, called me. He was clearly drunk and rambled on for at least 20 mins about how he needs a second chance with me. He apologized and was freaking out because he feels like he blew his chances with me and he’s not willing to accept that because there’s something about me. He said, “You have an amazing heart that hasn’t been tapped into yet.” And he wants to be the one to tap it…

I just sat and listened and cried. Why do I have an overabundance of guys in my life that need a second chance? Why couldn’t they have just gotten it right in the first place? I’m so sick of apologies, I just want one guy that gets it right and sticks around and doesn’t live thousands of miles away. I just really don’t think it’s possible in LA.

After talking to BM#1 I text Seattle on the off chance he was still awake and he was. He asked how the rest of my night went and I said, “Not great.” Then he responded, “Want to talk about it? Has to be short though.” This just made me more upset. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t want to feel like I had to put a time limit on it. I understand he’s got an important life and needs to get up early, but I want a guy who will sacrifice a little bit for me. I want him to say, “Call me, tell me all about it.” Not, “It has to be short, though.” Thanks for squeezing me in. I told him we’d just talk today. I’m so frustrated. I’m glad we didn’t talk last night because I probably would’ve unloaded all of my fears and crazy thoughts on him and regretted it this morning.

I wanted to ask him, “What are we doing???????????????????????????”

I also have decided that I’m not going to have sex with him when I go up to Washington in a few days. We’ve joked about it over the phone. But I’m really convinced now that it’s a bad idea. I don’t need to add a notch to my bedpost if it’s not someone who’s gonna be around for awhile. I have enough notches and would really like to keep that number where it is.

I’ve never felt so hopeless and desperate in my life and I absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic.

Bon Voyage.

April 11, 2009

I’m a heartbroken fool and a heartbreaker. It’s 1:30am and I’m waiting for Todd to call. He called and pleaded and begged for me to come out tonight. I had already made plans with Miguel and Lee and lil’ bro, so I told him it was unlikely that I’d be coming out. He kept telling me to text him my address so that he could call a cab and send it over to pick me up.

Why is it always too little too late?

He leaves tomorrow for a two week cruise and I leave in 6 days to visit a guy who is absolutely wonderful in every way and plays no games. And yet, here I sit, unwilling to go to sleep because Todd might call. Like he said he would. He called me about four times begging me to come out and I refused and made excuses.

I just don’t know what I want and what to do. Lil’ bro is taking shots with me right now and not gonna lie, it makes me want to text Todd and see if he does have any intentions of coming my way.

The last time he called because he was upset that I text him, “So, I would love to see you tonight, but it really isn't possible, so enjoy yourself and have a great trip. Call me when you get back.” He called sounding really upset and said, “I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow. I just want to spend time with you.” I’m sure it was because he was drunk. But he just seemed so upset that we weren’t hanging out before he leaves. I have to admit that, yes, I’m a little upset too, since it’s 1:47am and he’s not here, nor has he called. I just have so many things I don’t understand and I want to ask so many questions.

It’s probably for the better though; I should really go to bed right now so that I don’t call or text Todd. I want to be really good for Seattle. 6 days! That’s nothing. Of course, I wouldn’t have a sex, but if Todd did come over, a make-out sesh would be hard to avoid. Ugh, what is wrong with me???

I like Seattle with my whole heart and soul and I really have no desire for anyone else, but if there really is no future, then I would like to enjoy the here and now. I’m lonely. I need companionship.

I feel like Todd realized what he lost and now is freaking out and doesn’t know how to deal or what to do to get it back. And as much as I want to text or call him and find out why he’s not here right now, I don’t want to give him any help. I was so good earlier and told him “no”, but then he asked, “Well, can you at least text me your address so that I can come over there?” And I of course said, “Yes”. I text him my address and now I’m the super lame one who’s waiting by the phone.

I need to go to bed and dream of Seattle’s arms around me. That’s where I feel calm and complete.

Goodnight. Bon Voyage.