I'm getting to the point...

June 19, 2009.

Man oh man. I got up yesterday and spent the entire day on set of an infomercial. After the previous nights drinking extravaganza I was pretty exhausted. However, at 6pm when I got off set, I called Nikki and Jess, we all met up for dinner and then planned on going out again. Despite Jess' remaining hangover and my pure exhaustion.

It was just gonna be the three of us until...CRAgent text to see what I was up to. Then said he'd try to meet us out if he got all his laundry done. Then Todd text saying he really wanted to see me and misses me. Then I had to make the decision of which one to actually invite out, because obviously they both can't be there. Then Laurie text me and invited us to go to the Roosevelt for Jazz Night. Awesome. So we told him, “We're on our way!”

Then the thought...well, what if Madrid is there. So, Todd and I already have plans for this weekend, so he told me to go ahead and party like a rockstar, he'll see me Friday or Sat. Ok...then CRAgent finally decided that his laundry was too big of a task and told me to call him if I got bored later. Meaning, if I need a booty call, he's around. No thanks.

So the universe made up my decision for me. Madrid was who I was meant to spend my evening with. We got to Jazz night and Madrid was the first person we say. I hugged him noncommittally and asked, “Where's Laurie?” I knew this would get under his skin.

Then I proceeded to keep my back to him while ordering drinks at the bar and he finally took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He was frustrated. Then as we chatted a bit at the bar he traded places with me because he “couldn't see my face” the shadow was too much.

Then he disappeared for a bit. Jess, Nikki, Laurie and I danced shortly, then us girls perched ourselves near the back of the club to chat.

Eventually, Madrid found his way back to us and moved us into a larger area where all of us could sit together. I secretly made note of where Madrid decided to sit. There was a large leather couch, Jess was the first to claim a seat on it. Then I sat on the other end of it, purposely not leaving quite enough room for one more next to me. But...Madrid pushed his way onto the couch next to me.

What is the deal? I just wanted to scream at him the whole time, “Why are you such an asshole??? And why do I still think you're attractive despite your asshole-ness?”

So, I acted pretty distant the entire night, not sure he noticed. He went into one of his rants and I half listened pretending to care and fully understand what he was saying, while planning my attack. It presented itself nicely.

He told me a Chinese proverb: “The nail that sticks out is the first to get hammered.” So, he was sticking out and I was ready to hammer away! (That is so not meant in any sexual manner). So, I asked him about the previous night. He admitted to being a little upset that I text Laurie and not him. He played games with Laurie and said, “Well, you go have fun, she invited you, not me...”

Then when he showed up, he was turned off by the “douchebagery” and the techno music (it wasn't techno, it was hip hop dance, btw.) I told him that he could've turned that place into whatever he wanted.

My favorite thing about my girls is that when we go out, we have a plan in our heads: to have a great night. So if we enter a place that isn't quite what we were hoping for “atmosphere” wise, then we turn it into what we wanted. And every night with my girls is fabulous.

I told him this to show him that the world around you is what you make of it. That bar was full of douchebags to him because that's what he wanted to see.

I called him out on being jealous. I told him my honest side of the story. “I don't call guys.” I said this and then went on to explain. “I don't like hanging out with people that don't really want to be with me, there's no point. So if a guy doesn't call me, I assume he doesn't want my company. I don't chase. Especially with the type of guys that you get in LA.”

I went on to explain also that the reason I invited Laurie specifically the other night is because he's a friend and that's it. I knew that he would be fun and have a good time. That's what I wanted. A good time sans drama.

I also threw some other witty things his way that essentially challenged him to prove to me that he's not an asshole. I said to him that I don't see a point in playing games and he said, “Games are fun.”

He failed. We stayed till close, then on our way out we stopped at the bathroom. I told Jess in the bathroom all about our conversation. There were two other girls in there washing their hands. They left the bathroom, I washed my hands and then when we walked out of the restroom, there he was, Madrid, chatting up those two girls.

The bouncers were quickly throwing us out, we found Laurie and he told us he was driving us to our car (since we parked around the block). Madrid was nowhere to be found. I kept expecting him to come running after us, but nothing. So we all just left w/o him and w/o saying goodbye. What the hell.

My phone had died, which was annoying because I was dying to text him something, anything to get his blood boiling. I feel like this is now our “game”: piss eachother off. At least it's my game.

When I got home, I plugged my phone in and text him, “Hope you have fun with those girls tonight...don't get into too much more trouble.”

He responded: “Ok. But...You left me!

I replied: “No, we said we were leaving. You chose to stay.” You asshole.

Why do these types of guys keep coming into my life?? Laurie is such a genuinely nice guy and it just shocks me that he would introduce his asshole friend to me. I gave Madrid more credit before I even knew him because he's friends with Laurie. I shouldn't have done that.

Bizarre events.

My phone just rang it was that surfer from Malibu. He was calling because he's “in my neck of the woods.” Wow, he's been pretty persistent since we met about a week ago! I think I would like to go on a date with him or at least hang out with him again sometime, just to see what he's really like.

Ok, well before I went out last night I was reading comments from you, my lovely readers and one of my followers was brutally and justifiably honest. I appreciated her comment greatly and it was a needed slap in the face:


“the blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.

So why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc...”

First of all, Margarita, thank you for your tough love. I need it every once in a while. Secondly, you are absolutely right. I have strayed, horribly from my original plan.

I did feel strong and independent and confident when this year started that I would be able to complete my task for a whole year. And I failed.

I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself and I do feel that as soon as I let myself fall for Seattle, I just plain fell. Landed harshly on my face and from my past the only way I know to get over a heartbreak is to find replacements, meaningful or not. So, I basically began repeating my last year:

Major heartbreak = 10 partners in one year, none of which I could ever claim to love or even call a sig. other.

Now here's the perfect timing of your tough love. It's June. Exactly halfway through the year. I was good for three of those past months and since April I have faltered terribly. But now, I still have five more full months to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

I do think I have to revise my rules though a bit. I started at the beginning saying I wasn't looking for love, but I had said, I also wouldn't be closed off to it. The no sex policy was in place and that shall remain. I also promised to be as social as possible, because otherwise the year would be way too easy and boring with me sitting around alone at home. That would not have been a challenge. Half the challenge is being around guys, lust and emotions and seeing if I could handle it (obviously, I couldn't).

Ok, so from here on out, I will be abstaining, I promise (my heart is beating a little faster as I promise, because I'm worried I'll fail at this, but I honestly really want to succeed!). I will still be dating men, but will not be depending on them. They're there to enjoy a dinner/movie/the beach with, but that's that.

Now, Todd and I have plans this weekend to have a “slumber party”, which he already knows will not involve sex...but is the slumber party too much? Do you think I need to avoid sleepovers all together in order to regain my power and faith in myself?

I don't know. I feel like it's harmless, but maybe it's not.

So, abstaining, dating Irene. That's more of what I'll be. I will not have to whine or bitch about guys making me feel bad anymore, because I won't let them be in a position to hurt me. They will be like my childhood Nintendo, fun to play with, especially when bored, but there are other things and activities to take their place on a regular basis. And those other things are healthier for me and much more satisfying!

Back to Square One

June 16, 2009.

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight. I'm just missing that ultimate connection with someone. Thank God for my girls, or I don't think I'd have survived this year.

Was supposed to do dinner with Todd this evening, but after waiting until 9:30pm for him to text or call, I gave up. Had a Caesar salad and piece of cornbread at C's, then came home. He text me on my drive home: “Hey, I've got a beer and a taco with your name on it.”

I realized on the way home that I have not been preparing for my class which is tomorrow and really should take some time tonight to work on my scene. So, I replied to his text and told him that I am gonna pass on the taco tonight, because I've got an early morning and need my beauty sleep. He took a while to respond and I can't help but feel like it wasn't said with the nicest of feelings.

Is he possibly pissed at me?

Ugh. I hate men. One of the new girls at work today asked about Madrid. She was out with us the night I met him. I told her that he's just like all the other guys out there in L.A. and a waste of my time. I do somewhat regret the two days I spent with him. I know I shouldn't, because at the time it was great and wonderful, but what did it do for me in the long run?

He uses people. He said that to me. He was using me for a bed to sleep in those two nights so that he didn't have to sleep on a couch at Laurie's place. I'm pathetic.

I got a text from a surfer guy that I met in Malibu on Sunday. He approached me and Nikki as we were getting into my car and him and his friend exchanged numbers with us. He was cute, but my best guess is that he is 36 yrs old. Again, where have all the young guys gone? He lives in Hermosa beach and invited me and Nikki to come chill down there sometime.

The reason I was sort of happy to meet him was because we weren't meeting in a bar. Everyone always wonders, “Where else do you meet people?” Well, apparently, you hang out by a bunch of surfers and one is bound to strike up a conversation with you. So, he's one of the first guys I've exchanged numbers with in L.A. that was not in a bar. How refreshing.

He wants to hang out this Friday night. I'm not opposed to it, but do I really need to enter another man into my life right now? Not really.

The hardest thing about this year is having faith. I worry that if I shun one of these guys that maybe, just maybe he could've been great and we could've really hit it off. But then I allow myself to go too far and just end up being used. How do I trust in fate and let the universe take the steering wheel? I'm too scared to let go of it!

Ugh. I don't feel like I've progressed at all this year. It's a sucky feeling.

Ciao bella...

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.

If I were Invisible...

June 4, 2009.

Wow. So, where did I leave off?

Worked yesterday and so tired of having people I work with tell me, “When it's right it'll happen.” “When you stop looking is when love will find you.” “Give off positive energy and people will be more attracted to you.” Blah blah blah blah.

Ok, so I've stopped looking. I'm a very positive person, I'm patiently waiting for the timing to be right. Stop it!

Felt like a joke last night. I was the only server on and every single table I got was a date. Haha, ok, I get it universe, very funny. Then the ipod we have at work started playing, “You're nobody till somebody loves you...”. I hate that this is how society feels.

Ugh. Anywho, on a brighter note, I had the most fantabulous day with my girls. We all had the day off and decided to spoil ourselves. And spoil ourselves we did. We went to Paradise Cove in Malibu and managed to befriend a few boys here and there. But no numbers were exchanged (ok one number that Lacey got), just some friendly convo.

Then we ended the night at the Whiskey a go-go. We went because Pete invited me a week ago since he knew the band that was playing. I agreed to go, because I've been feeling rather guilty about not seeing/hanging with him for so long. I want to be friends with him still, I've just been so ridiculously busy and I feel like him, Miguel and Lee are all taking it personally and if I don't see them soon, then they'll all be out of my life completely.

It was ok, but I just felt as if the entire crowd was 18 and under and I felt too old to be there. Plus, I love Nikki, but man it gets frustrating when every single guy gravitates toward her. I don't stand a chance at meeting guys when I'm out with her. One guy didn't even see me. Literally, I was invisible. Ugh.

So, I could've done without the Whiskey tonight, as I'm sure all the girls would agree, but we had our fun.

Called Todd on the way to the show, returning his call from earlier. He was quite cute, he said, “I feel like I haven't seen you in a month!”

And I told him I'd text him when I was heading home to see if he's still awake and I did, actually hoping to see him, and of course, he was asleep and didn't hear my text.

I just couldn't help but think all night, after being surrounded with a-holes, 'what's so bad about having a guy that's actually in to me? Why shouldn't I spend some time around someone who really enjoys my company?'

Oy, so a little while later he text me, he must've woken up and seen my missed texts and responded, “I'm awake! Shit, always missing u...k, ttyl.”

But, I called him back. I was already for bed, but I figured I owed him a call and I wanted to make plans for tomorrow with him. So, I work until about 9:30ish and then we're gonna hang out.

Oh man, and I remembered something I haven't told anyone yet...not even you my blog followers. The other night, I guess it was Saturday, when Todd was sleeping over, I was having trouble falling asleep and I was tossing and turning a bit and all of a sudden, Todd started mumbling and very clearly said, “ Mmm, I miss Pug.”

Um, excuse me?? Ha, he was thinking/dreaming/subconsciously missing his dog. Well, it's his roommates dog. But, it was really weird to hear him mutter that in his sleep. I mean, I get it, Pug is the only one he's slept with continually in the past two years. But really?? Weird...

Ok, just thought that was pretty funny.

Also, on a random note, Encino text me tonight. Kind of got excited about that. Haven't seen him since February and I do believe he's single now...so, there's that. But, I'm not looking, remember? Hell, naw!

Goodnight.