Clean Slate.

July 4, 2009.

Worst 4th of July ever.

I spent the entire day at home, sick, drugged up, and cleaned my room, did some laundry. So it wasn't totally a wasted day, but it was pretty horrible.

I worked last night and after work, I had decided to turn down Todd's offer to buy me a red-eye flight to Arizona because even though I knew my fourth was looking pretty pathetic, I just couldn't imagine myself flying while still sick and having any fun without my girls. Ugh. I think I genuinely pissed Todd off. Didn't hear from him until this morning. He said that I am “impossible.” Which I guess is entirely true.

I had called Seattle after work to let him know my plans. I told him that if I was feeling up to it, I would go surfing with him in the morning. He could tell I was still pretty sick and knew I wouldn't be up to it. But he told me he'd keep me posted and maybe we could meet up later in the day.

Then last night at about midnight, I was already passed out and Seattle text me: “Just read your blog. Want to know what I am thinking? This will sound weird, but a no sex sleepover.”

I didn't get the message until this morning. Oh well.

I was pretty miserable all day and I just kept holding myself back from calling Seattle and telling him that the only thing I wanted was to spend time with him. I hated knowing that he's here in town and not with me.

I text him around 3pm to let him know I couldn't handle being in the house by myself anymore and was wondering what him and his bro were doing for dinner. Maybe we could meet up. Didn't hear from him for awhile at which point he still didn't know their plans.

So, I waited till about 9pm to find out their plans. My girls had called to tell me they were headed to Santa Monica. I desperately wish I had gone with them, but I'm still sick and would probably feel even worse in the morning if I had gone. However, I was hoping Seattle would be willing to hang out, even though I was pretty miserable. I just wanted to rest my head on his lap and watch t.v. all night long.

He called me and we discussed this briefly, then he said he'd call me back with the plan. He called back and said point blank, he's not coming over.

That's it.

Now begins my clean slate. Nikki kept saying the other night that all we need is a “clean slate”. Leave all the Seattle, Todd and every other boy bullshit behind. Let's start with a clean slate. I think she's absolutely right. I just wish I could abide by that completely.

To be completely honest, I see no point in contacting Seattle again in the future. He knows this. I didn't have to say it, he could sense it.

He just kept trying to explain himself on the phone, “I just don't see a point in coming over there since it's not going to change anything and it's just going to be harder in the morning.” Fine. I get it. You are 100% correct. Then I don't see a point in staying in touch if it's not going to change anything. Done.

Clean Slate.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July.

Eh....

July 1, 2009.

Ok, on to a new month. New beginnings? Doubtful. But new hope, I suppose.

Just got off the phone with Seattle. I cried. But not for the usual reason that I cry when I talk to him. I'm upset because my choices for the fourth of July right now are as follows:

1)spend the day alone since my girls are all working
2)spend the day with Seattle and his bro
3)spend part of the day driving 5hrs by myself to Scottsdale, AZ and meet up with Todd and his friends.

None of these are appealing to me because:

1)The fourth is my favorite holiday because it's spent with family and friends...not alone
2)If I spend time with Seattle I might end up crying anyhow...I think it'll be tough to see him and “just be friends”
3)I don't want to take a road trip that far alone and then spend the day with Todd's friends, who are great, but they're not my friends...

So, I don't know what to do right now. I'm pretty unhappy. I know I'll figure it out and probably have “the best fourth ever!” I'm just super bummed right now that it's not gonna be spent with my girls. Then through the conversation with Seattle, I realized just how much my girls really are my only friends out here...I've sort of lost all my others. This is not so good.

Ugh. Ok, well, let's see, it's a new month. So, I'm gonna set some new goals for myself. The first may be silly, but I think it'll actually be the easiest to follow:

1)I will not give my number to any guys this month. I don't like giving out my number usually anyway, because most often the guy asking is not one that I'm interested in, so I think if I just say it's a RULE for myself, then I'll be able to say no and walk away.

I would say my second goal is to not have sex, but that's a given and I'm pretty sure I'll somehow fail at this one, not that I'm planning on it, Vienna's in, well, Vienna; Todd's been super good at, well, being good; and I found out that I can actually say “no” to Madrid. So all in all, I think I have a good chance at success this month. We shall see!

That's the only goal I have so far, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other great ones.

Btw, as far as my goals for this week (no alcohol, no sleepovers) I'm doin' just fine!

Updates soon!

PS. Chatted with Vienna on Skype this morning...he's super sweet. I could have some gorgeous Austrian babies that would look like they were straight out of 'The Sound Of Music' if I ever desired to have children...not gonna happen.

Ciao bella...

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.