Slowing Down...

July 12, 2009.

Todd's a great listener. I invited him over last night to join me for a drink and a movie at my place when the UFC fight was finished. I couldn't get the sound on my computer to work (per usual), which is what I watch movies on (no t.v. for me!) and I was getting frustrated, but Todd just grabbed me and cuddled with me on the couch and said, “Forget the movie...”

Then he proceeded to listen to me ramble on about work, palm springs, Nikki, life in general. I realized I was talking...A LOT, and he was just listening intently, taking it all in.

Guys, it's true. Women like men who listen. It's just comforting to know someone cares about what you have to say however menial the topic.

We decided to go lay down in bed and I told him to tell me more stories about his life. I lay next to him as he held me close, it was my turn to listen.

Ok, I think Irene is falling. Maybe just a bit.

The strange thing about L.A. is that even though everyone is so “beach bum” chill, they're always in a rush to find the “next best thing”. This is true in their dating habits as well. Hence, no relationship for me the past year and 9 mo's I've lived out here.

This has infiltrated my mind as well, and I've forgotten that sometimes, you fall for someone gradually. The more you hang out with them, the more you learn, and the more you like. I'm gradually falling for Todd. Just because it wasn't passionate right away, doesn't mean that won't get more and more passionate down the road.

But, I have to admit it is tough, because this L.A. mindset is hard to get rid of. I met Nikki down in Manhattan Beach after my audition today. She was hanging out with her “next best thing”, and Surfer. We all hung at the beach for a bit, then headed to Sharkeez for a bite to eat where I met her “next best thing”'s roommate. Cute. Sweet. Funny. Oh my.

I mean of course I'm not smitten, but my mind started turning and I had silly 'girl meets boy' thoughts. Then I had to stop myself. What about Todd???

Of course nothing happened, not even a number exchange, but if this is happening before Todd and I are even official, I'm kind of scared to become official and take the chance that I'll f*up. I wanna be so head over heels for someone that I'm committed to that I don't even realize other males exist. Is this possible?

Nikki said that before I got there she told Surfer that I had a boyfriend so that he would get the hint that nothing is going to happen. She told me that she was explaining to the two of them that “Irene's trying to be good and date just this one boy.” And they looked at her and said, “Well, isn't that what 'dating' means?” Whoops...not in our bubble.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly shake this L.A. mindset because even today, I've been thinking about Madrid and how we should set up a time to go surfing again (no, Irene...that would be bad) and CRAgent contacted me today out of the blue. Haven't heard from him in weeks, but he was recovering at home from his weekend in Vegas and asked if I wanted to come hang. I kind of wanted to (no, Irene...that would be bad).

Argh, being single is almost easier than being in a relationship I think. Less rules and regulations. Less chances to f*up.

Todd and I are not labeled yet, but I kind of want to act like we are, just so that I don't screw up a potential future with him. I'm happy right now. Let's not mess with that.

Karma

June 30, 2009.

I'm at home in bed with a very sore throat right now...barely able to talk. I think it's karma.

I was supposed to be up and surfing with Madrid this morning. He called me yesterday and wanted to go on a “surf date” with me today. Very cute. So, I agreed. I slept through my alarm this morning and through a call from Vienna and from Madrid. Man oh man...karma.

Was supposed to work tonight too, but Lacey's going to cover for me since answering the phone usually takes a voice.

Ok, so I've been setting weekly goals for myself as a way to accomplish the things I need to accomplish in my life. I think two of my goals for this week are: 1)no drinking (the 4th is exempt, however) and 2)no sleepovers.

I think I can abide by these for a week. Then we'll see if it clears up my sickness and my crazy thoughts.

I sent an email to Seattle last night. I've been feeling a little off lately and realized what having him read my blog might entail. I was worried that he was thinking about “what if's”. What if we had stayed together? Would Irene have been cheating on me?

And I just wanted to clarify for him that I absolutely would not have cheated on him. I was falling hard for Seattle and when I fall for someone it makes me want to be the best possible person I can be. That's why sometimes I feel like I “need” a relationship. Because it keeps me focused and keeps me from making stupid mistakes. I'm always such a good person when I'm dating someone I really care for. And of course, good is “in the eye of the beholder”. Not that I think I'm a bad person for doing the things I do, but sometimes I do feel like I've strayed off the path of who I want to be in the long run.

Anywho, just rambling. I'll end this here, since I've made you all endure through my last two ridiculously long blogs.

Slumber Party #2

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

Slumber Party #1

June 20, 2009.

Alright. I got off work earlier than expected last night so I shot a text to Todd, “Take out and a movie in?” Then I headed home to change quickly, grab everything I needed for today (I knew I was gonna spend the night) and headed down to Santa Monica.

Todd greeted me outside with Pug. The three of us walked to a sushi place around the corner and got take out. Then we returned to his apartment and ate delicious food and watched “Don't Mess With the Zohan”. It was nice. Afterwards we were both exhausted so we went straight to bed.

Todd was a complete gentleman and didn't even attempt to fool around. But he cuddled me close.

I could not sleep. I don't know why, I was just sort of in this state of half awareness all night long. I had to get up early, perhaps my mind was nervous about that, but I was kind of miserable. I think it may be Todd's place. I just don't feel completely comfortable there...ever. He was cute and didn't want me to get up this morning, told me that “this is why [he] loves weekends...” and that he can't wait for a morning we can both sleep in and grab breakfast together the next day.

Which, that might be tomorrow morning. I think I'm spending the night with him again tonight, either my place or his and then tomorrow we have plans to go with a big group to Hermosa and attempt to surf and spend the whole day at the beach. I'm pretty stoked about it!

Last night right when we got into bed his phone started ringing. He got up to check it and didn't answer saying that he had a “stage 5 stalker.” And he said, “I bet you have a few of those yourself.” Nope. I just have guys that fuck me and never call again.

But the funny thing was, I guess I was a little shocked that a girl was calling him. I don't know what it is, but I just can never picture him hitting on girls, giving out his number or being with anyone else. I know it makes no sense at all...I mean he hit on me, gave me his number, etc. But, it just always surprises me when I realize there are other women in his life. Not that I think he's seeing anyone but me right now, because I do believe that he is so busy that his only free time is most often spent with me on the weekends...

She (or at least I believe it was her) called twice more that evening and proceeded to text at least three times. Here is my case in point: I will never be that girl. If he's not answering or returning your calls or texts then he's probably in bed with someone else. I don't chase.

Back to Square One

June 16, 2009.

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight. I'm just missing that ultimate connection with someone. Thank God for my girls, or I don't think I'd have survived this year.

Was supposed to do dinner with Todd this evening, but after waiting until 9:30pm for him to text or call, I gave up. Had a Caesar salad and piece of cornbread at C's, then came home. He text me on my drive home: “Hey, I've got a beer and a taco with your name on it.”

I realized on the way home that I have not been preparing for my class which is tomorrow and really should take some time tonight to work on my scene. So, I replied to his text and told him that I am gonna pass on the taco tonight, because I've got an early morning and need my beauty sleep. He took a while to respond and I can't help but feel like it wasn't said with the nicest of feelings.

Is he possibly pissed at me?

Ugh. I hate men. One of the new girls at work today asked about Madrid. She was out with us the night I met him. I told her that he's just like all the other guys out there in L.A. and a waste of my time. I do somewhat regret the two days I spent with him. I know I shouldn't, because at the time it was great and wonderful, but what did it do for me in the long run?

He uses people. He said that to me. He was using me for a bed to sleep in those two nights so that he didn't have to sleep on a couch at Laurie's place. I'm pathetic.

I got a text from a surfer guy that I met in Malibu on Sunday. He approached me and Nikki as we were getting into my car and him and his friend exchanged numbers with us. He was cute, but my best guess is that he is 36 yrs old. Again, where have all the young guys gone? He lives in Hermosa beach and invited me and Nikki to come chill down there sometime.

The reason I was sort of happy to meet him was because we weren't meeting in a bar. Everyone always wonders, “Where else do you meet people?” Well, apparently, you hang out by a bunch of surfers and one is bound to strike up a conversation with you. So, he's one of the first guys I've exchanged numbers with in L.A. that was not in a bar. How refreshing.

He wants to hang out this Friday night. I'm not opposed to it, but do I really need to enter another man into my life right now? Not really.

The hardest thing about this year is having faith. I worry that if I shun one of these guys that maybe, just maybe he could've been great and we could've really hit it off. But then I allow myself to go too far and just end up being used. How do I trust in fate and let the universe take the steering wheel? I'm too scared to let go of it!

Ugh. I don't feel like I've progressed at all this year. It's a sucky feeling.

Ciao bella...

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.