"You Make Me Feel Normal"

March 27, 2009

I hate when I miss a day and have to catch up. Last night was all Seattle’s fault. I got home and called to hear a story about his day and was too tired after chatting that I went to bed instead of writing my blog. I apologize.

Yesterday, woke up nice an early to make myself purty for an audition. Then had the rest of the day to workout and do laundry. I’m quite proud of myself actually for how much I managed to accomplish. Heard from my new roommate! I have mixed emotions because I need a roomie, but am dreading that I won’t be living alone anymore after tomorrow morning. He seems decent though and I think we’ll have a lot of fun.

Lee was teasing me last night saying, “You know, I hear stories of people moving in together and hitting it off and starting to date.” No, Lee, I think not. Not with this one.

(*side note: at the coffee shop right now and some guy just totally “eye fucked” me as he walked out the door, never really get that, but it wasn’t at all pleasant. About as pleasant as a one night stand, “ooh intriguing…um wait, what are you doing…no no that’s not good at all…ok just stop.”)

Lots on my mind today, not really sure where to begin. Let’s see, talked to Seattle yesterday right after my audition. I had sent him a heartfelt email the night before accidentally, instead of saving it as a draft, I pushed send and sent it incomplete. I was completely embarrassed and wrote a follow up saying I hadn’t meant to send it just yet and I apologized if anything I said was strange. I told him about my fears of him being so recently divorced. I didn’t want him to feel rushed into anything he wasn’t ready for. I myself am not sure what I really want from this situation, but I know that I really enjoy him.

He told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and the email was just fine. I had text him about my new roomie earlier that day and he sent me back, “…let me get back to you in a bit, I’ll have a story for you.”

So, I went for a walk with Lee last night, we ended up having a heart to heart. I told her how odd it is that I like Seattle this much, it’s very unusual for me. She commented on how different he is than the guys I usually go for, which is true. Also, she asked if his age was a problem. I had been wary about Ray due to the fact that he was 39…eek and also about Rick, who was 36, but 34 seems to be the perfect number. She stated, “Well, the others just didn’t fit, but this one does, so the age doesn’t matter.” Very wise, Lee, very wise…

When I got home I finally got to talk to Seattle about his story. He told me that the woman he had had a fling with not too long ago got upset when he mentioned me, they’re still friends and he thought it was ok to talk about me. He didn’t tell me many details about what was said, but apparently after school they went back to his place to discuss it. I found myself getting upset listening to the story. I kept thinking, “Why’d you have to discuss it further at your place? Did anything else happen?” But, I quickly calmed my thoughts, realizing I was being irrational. It’s hard, because I always try to be super sensitive when I’m interested in a guy and not worry about the relationships/friendships that came before me. It’s not my place to interfere with them since they were established way before “we” were. But, it takes a lot of strength, not gonna lie. The fact that he even told me about it proves he’s a very trustworthy guy. He didn’t have to say anything. I like that.

Oh yeah, one of the best things a guy has ever told me, “You make me feel normal.” That’s what Seattle told me on the phone last night. It made me smile. I like that too.

We chatted for a bit longer and I enjoyed listening to his stories about work, etc. I enjoy how smart he is. Every time we talk I just want to absorb everything I can.

Haven’t heard from him yet today, but I also haven’t text and he’s at work. I really need to plan a trip to Seattle. I realized yesterday, I need something to look forward to.

Randomly heard from Rick today. He called; I hesitated before picking up the phone. He’s back from tour and wants to grab a drink/food tonight. Our phone convo was a little awkward, but even when we were “dating” it was awkward. I’d like to see him, but not sure what we really have to talk about. We were never really friends, so I wonder if it’s possible for us to be friends now. I’m totally not interested in anything other than a friendship, and I hope he realizes that. He leaves again in a week or so for another tour…busy man. Makes me thankful I didn’t fall for him, he’d constantly be off experiencing amazing things in other countries and I’d be lonely, sad and jealous. Not a good relationship.

I have a need to be social tonight though, I feel a funk coming on…not sure what that’s about. Maybe it’s my period. Not to give TMI, but it’s been a whole year since I’ve had a visit from Aunt flo, so I’ve forgotten the weird emotional mood swings that come to town in her baggage. Humph. Gotta get out of that quick!

Fate?

March 22, 2009

Spent today on set again, it was pretty miserable. Thought about Seattle a lot. He sent me a text saying he needed my email because he wants to write me something more substantial (than a text msg.), so I gave him my email and told him I better receive a letter by the time I get home.

At the end of the day one of the guys on set started chatting with me and trying to remember my name (we had introduced ourselves earlier) and he kept guessing, I was not giving him any clues and he said, “Man, this will be really awkward when I ask for your number later.” Ugh. So he finally got it and he did in fact ask for the digits. I avoided saying yes or no and we got sidetracked with checking out, but he stuck around. Then approached me again while I was waiting for Miguel and asked for my number a second time. Another extra came over and accidentally cock blocked, thank goodness, so I stalled for another two minutes. Then he asked a third time and I said, “Well, the thing is, I don’t date and usually the only reason guys want a number is because they’re interested in dating.” Whenever I say, “I don’t date” what I really mean is “I’m not going to have sex with you.” Maybe I should just start saying that instead, because I don’t think guys get it. So, I gave him my number and told him I just wanted to be clear. Weird. It was also strange because we had barely talked all day and on top of that I literally looked like shit. Why would anyone find me attractive at that moment in time?

Got off set by 5pm, rushed Miguel home, stopped by my house for two seconds and literally the moment I got home, I checked my email and found no message from Seattle, I started to leave and my phone beeped, it was a text from him saying he just sent it. I glanced at my comp screen and saw an email had just popped up entitled, “Fate?” I didn’t have time to read it. I rushed to improv.

Made it to improv on time. Received the honor of being elected the new captain of ‘Detour Improv Comedy’ – eek, more responsibility. Ran our rehearsal, which was way weird for me to do, but I think I’ll adjust quickly. Tanya noticed that my ring had moved from my left to my right since the last time we saw eachother. I explained that I hadn’t done it intentionally, but had left it because it just feels more natural on my right anyway. She replied, “Oh, I thought you just met someone” and I said, “Well, I did.”

Got home just about an hour ago now. Wanted to call Seattle on my ride home, but I don’t know what’s kosher yet or not. Read his email. It was just what I wanted to hear. I’m gonna leave it at that for now, because I want to kind of keep it solely for me. I rarely do that with things. But this one’s for my eyes only.

I’m extremely exhausted and have to get up again tomorrow at 5am, so I’m off to sleep, but I’ll give more details on stuff tomorrow.

Online Love Match??

March 11, 2009.

Well, so this is an interesting development. I was searching craigslists for any possible way to make money and I came across a job for Freelance Writers and I love writing, obviously, so I responded to the ad. Now, with craigslist, you just never know what you’ll get. An incredible opportunity, a huge scam or no response whatsoever. Well, I got scammed. However, I didn’t realize it was a scam until a little too late.

Here’s how the scam went. Saw the ad offering jobs to freelance writers, $0.10/word, make your own schedule just be disciplined. I can do that! I already do! So when I sent them my response as well as a link to this blog to show them how and what I write, I got a response saying they need me to sign up at eharmony.com and then write a review of the website. After receiving the review, they’ll let me know their decision in 7 days. So, I went ahead and took about a ½ hour out of my life and signed up…only for the free parts of course. Well…they got me. They just wanted more traffic to eharmony.com. Those sneaky brats!

However, today I check my email and have 15 new matches! Out of curiosity (of course) I decide to check ‘em out. So, I do, I end up reading about 5 profiles and seeing two that I really, genuinely like. So, I shoot them a quick little “ice breaker”, because after all this part of it is still all free. Well, I’ve gotten some response to my icebreakers and now I’m just sitting her curious, wondering, “Can a love match really be found over the Internet?” I kind of want to find out.

I’ve always thought people who look for love on the Internet are…ok, I’ll just say it, Losers. They are socially awkward, weird, and have no friends/life in which to meet people in the real world. But after living a whole year and ½ in LA and not finding any decent relationship material, I have to wonder if the World Wide Web is the way to go if you do in fact want something meaningful in this city of ‘angels’. So, here’s my question: What should I do? Should I go for it and then share the funny story to my grandkids someday about how the craigslist scam helped me find true love? Or should I stick to cynicism and the chance that my love match is out and about and it’s only a matter of time until I meet him. I really don’t want to spend the money on a website that could potentially just lead to further frustration. I can just get frustrated at a bar for basically free! What’s a girl to do?

Another thing is, I signed up with a fake name, so even if I do start chatting with these guys, it’s under false pretense and when’s a good time to tell them I lied? And then have to explain why I lied. Oy, this is getting much more complicated by the minute. Not to mention the fact that if we did happen to hit it off and had long term potential, I would absolutely HATE telling people we met online. I think I would force him to make up a story about how we met and stick to it. Always.

Why does meeting online have such a bad stigma attached to it? At least for me? It’s so strange. My mom actually attempted it when her and my father had called it quits. She met two guys. A rich, handsome man that lived an hour away and was quite charming. And a gross Guido (no offense) with a white trash family that lived in the worst part of town. She chose the Guido out of convenience. I prayed to God that he would never be my step-dad and thank God, he’s not.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like the idea. She’s now happily remarried to a man from her past, who she knew when she was highschool. So, the Internet didn’t do much good for her there. Hmm…I’m definitely gonna take a few days before I make a real decision, but I am having difficulty deciding.

Another development in my life. I moved the ring back to my right hand when I was on set the other day for the music video and forgot to move it back to the left. It’s been there now since Saturday and I think I might leave it. I’m confident enough now in myself that I’m making better decisions and judgments and don't so much need the ring to protect me. I can protect myself without having to lie and make up some story about a future wedding. I feel better.

Falling...in love?

March 8, 2009.

He’s falling in love with me. That’s what he told me, word for word. Completely honest. Ray is in love with me. And thus, we can no longer spend time together. Story of my life. We can’t be friends, you know why? “Because we were more than that from the moment we met.” Wait, hold up…who said this to me before? Right. Tony. How ironic. Two completely different humans, saying the nicest thing a girl could want to here, only one means it in an asshole sense and the other means it in the Love at First Sight sense. But they both have something in common: I don’t want them.

The whole time Ray was speaking to me I just kept listening and hearing what he was saying and all I could think was, “What the hell is wrong with me?” and I also kept thinking, “Boy am I gonna regret this!” But you know what? I can’t help but think I still did the right thing because I kept trying to cry. That’s right, trying…to cry. I came close, but no cigar.

I’m utterly confused and bewildered and have no idea any more what it is I’m looking for. Because I keep telling guys, “I’m not dating.” Or “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” When what I mean to say is “I’m not gonna date you.” Or “ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.” Truth be told, I would love to have a boyfriend. Someone to hang out with and chat with and have sleepovers with. But my options are not appealing to me right now. I’m not satisfied.

I’m jealous of Ray, because I desperately want to feel that way about someone. But I suppose it must suck when it’s unrequited. But, I would just like to feel again. Something. Something like love.

We shall see. Positive thoughts and fairy dust. That’s what I need right now! Take me away Peter Pan! (to never-never land).

Love at First Sight

February 18, 2009.

I believe in love at first sight. Not necessarily in the fact that it’s the only way love happens, but more so in the fact that it is possible. And why wouldn’t it be possible if “eyes are the window to the soul”, then can’t you take one look at someone and see their soul and know that they’re meant to be with you? I think it’s possible and I’m gonna find it.

I’m at my usual coffee shop and I just fixed the toilet in the bathroom…that’s right, I stuck my hand wrist deep into the back of the toilet and fixed their flushing problem. Here I am a capable, independent woman, willing to fix public restrooms for free and yet, I can’t find a single man in L.A. that wants a meaningful relationship.

That’s all. Going to the “40 Days of Love” bible study with Margaret and Lee this evening…I’ll update in a bit.

Not just another Valentine's Day...

February 14, 2009.

Ah…Valentine’s Day. What a lovely day for singles to be single…you all know. It blows. Unless, you make the most of it! I had been planning on spending the day alone and turning down any invites I was to receive, even though my horoscope advised otherwise.

However, last night just as I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message from Ray. So odd, because I was just thinking about him. He suggested we go see the “The Wrestler” like we’d been planning the past few weeks. I decided it was now or never.

So this morning after I dropped Lindsay off at the airport and said goodbye (sniffle, sniffle), I called Ray and set up a movie date for 12:05. Went for a run, showered, dressed real cute and drove off at 12:20pm. Ray was late because he went to pick up a beautiful rose for me. Too sweet. When he got here, I couldn’t help but be shocked by how cute he is. He’s so much older than I am, but his Australian accent makes it okay somehow. (He’s 38…14 year difference, yikes!)

We didn’t make the movie, so he decided to take me to the best burger in L.A. A little joint in NoHo called Classy Jack’s. They were very good burgers and the guy who runs the place loves RAY. It was charming. Then we headed to the AMC in Burbank to catch the 2 20pm. The movie was incredible and incredibly sad. It was a bit gory as well and at each sight of blood Ray would bury his head in my arm. He couldn’t take it. After the movie, I was exhausted, but Ray didn’t want the day to end. So he drove me around the equestrian district where he lives in Burbank and showed me the horses. Then he suggested getting some coffee and going to the observatory at Griffith Park. I really didn’t want to do that. The last time I was there was with Pat…the 36-yr. old I dated for a short while. Something about older men in L.A…I don’t know.

Anywho, we ended up going to a coffee place in Burbank. It was super nice and we enjoyed blended mocha’s and delicious desserts and talked for three hours. He’s just great. The most positive person I’ve ever met. The only thing that made me wary about him was how he kept telling me that he cuts people out of his life when they disappoint him or do something he objects to morally, which I agree with, but when he described one of the reasons for cutting someone out of his life, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it was totally right.

Other than that, he’s fantabulous. The age thing is really the only thing that bothers me. I wish perhaps I was older or he was younger. I definitely find him attractive and couldn’t help but think about kissing him. He doesn’t seem 38, but when guys my age would pass me by, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d always be hoping for someone closer to my age.

Hmm, well he dropped me off around 8 30, gave me an amazing hug goodbye and told me that he wants to do this again. So do I! He just makes me smile uncontrollably. He’s great. Even if nothing sexual ever happens between us, I really want him as a friend in my life.

Once home, I ran to Ralph’s and grabbed some veggies, bread and wine. Came home and made a beautiful little platter of veggies and dip, brie cheese and rye bread with garlic olive oil to dip it in. Poured myself a cup of wine and put in only the best movie ever, “Ghost”. Always makes me cry. Love it.

All in all, I’ve had a terrific Valentine’s Day, especially for being single. I spent the day with a great guy, enjoyed being alone and had Will and my band member send me lovey dovey messages.

Life is good. I’m gonna go grab another glass of wine and finish watching ‘Ghost’ before my roomies come home. Night.

Where are all the Good Men Hiding??

February 13, 2009.

Ugh. Can’t wait for the day I get to write about a great guy. I just can’t seem to win. Yesterday we had the day off, so Lindsay and I decided to take a bus to Universal Citywalk and do some drinking. We hit up the Mexican restaurant and had margaritas and chips and salsa. Then at 4pm we headed to the second floor where there were 3.50 beers for happy hour. How could we resist?

After our first round of beers we decided to see where Liam was. We knew it was his day off, and we figured, we could use the ride back home…I know kinda bitchy. I was still peeved about the previous couple of days he bailed on us. But he came and as soon as he walked through the door, he was adorable and I couldn’t help but be happy he was there.

Then things just felt kind of strange and the more drunk I became, the more irritated I became with Lindsay and Liam. The bartender kept making eyes at me, so I played along. He was pretty cute…could’ve been the beer goggles though. And after two beers I ordered my third and he said, “Tell you what, this one’s on my tab as a welcome to California.” I thanked him. I had told him earlier that I had just moved, cuz I still have my NY I.D. and he wondered about it.

Well, apparently this free drink upset both Lindsay and Liam. A little later, Liam took a crack at me and said something about how if we all go out after, the bartender should come so I can flirt with him. And when Lindsay ordered her next drink, it was not “on the house” and she was not impressed. The thing that was bothering me about Lindsay is that she just wants anyone and everything and anyone and everything to want her. She blatantly said this earlier. And hey, I’m all for flirting and hook ups and having a fun time, but oh my god, don’t think that just because you throw sex at the men in the room it means they’re yours. Leave someone for the rest of us.

I’m not a competitive person. If a friend of mine speaks up and tells me of a crush they have, I completely back down. I’m not about to fight for the guy. The friendship is so much more important. And I would expect the same from my friends. Of course, if the guy is clearly not attracted to me and much more into my friend, I’m not gonna stand in the way. But just don’t try and be more flirtatious and cuter and more fun after I tell you I like someone. Oy.

I’m so over the dating scene here. Anywho, we neared the end of our stay at the Brewery. I was four beers and one margarita in and pretty drunk. I ended up picking up the check, it was fairly cheap for everything we got and I left my number on the check…don’t know if the bartender saw it yet or not, but maybe I’ll find out in a couple of days.

We headed back to my apt so we could change before going out and meeting up with one of Liam’s friends at another bar. I really had no desire to go out anywhere else. I was wasted and extremely tired. The time we spent at my apt is blurry to me, but the moments I do remember are these: At one point, Liam went into my room and checked out my bed…just sprawled out on it. I so badly just wanted to jump on top of him, but I was in the other room with Margaret and Lindsay and he didn’t stay long enough in there for me to work up the nerve. Then I remember he was in the living room, Margaret and Lindsay were in Margaret’s room and I went into my room and passed out on the bed. I heard my door creak open and Liam say, “I knew it!” So, I got up and changed for the third time and joined him in the kitchen where I complained about being tired and we hugged for a nice long time and he said, “This is nice.” Then we were on the love seat in the living room looking through music on Lindsay’s comp. It was nice and cozy. After that, I changed into my final outfit of the night and we headed to a bar called ‘The Baked Potatoe’. I was falling asleep the whole way there in the car. Liam kept looking over and asking if I wanted coffee. I didn’t want coffee, I wanted to sleep.

We went inside and Liam was buying the drinks and I didn’t want anymore, so he ordered me a jack and coke anyway…ugh. I didn’t drink it at all. What is with guys always wanting me to be drunker? Liam disappeared and I guess was networking with some guy he’s trying to get a job with. I sat with Lindsay for a bit, then she disappeared to have a cigarette. I was tired, lonely and upset. I wanted to go home. I text Adain. He didn’t even ask questions just said, “Stay put, I’m coming to get you.” Then Liam showed up and put his arm around me and said, “You wanna get out of here?” and I nodded. Then I thought he said, “Ok, I’m just gonna go get my card.” But perhaps he said, car not card. I’m not sure. All I know is that I was sitting alone for a very long while, Lindsay came and asked if I was ok, I shook my head and said, “Adain’s coming to get me, you can leave with us or you’re more than welcome to stay.” She said, “I’m leaving with you, let me just use the restroom.” Well, then I was alone again for a good long time and Adain called and said he was out front. Lindsay was nowhere in sight, I went to the ladies room to get her and she wasn’t there. So I met Adain out front and called Lindsay. She apparently was out back…with Liam. What the fuck? I thought he was getting ready to leave and I thought she was just quickly using the restroom. I didn’t even know there was an “out back”. So we left with Adain.

I stayed in the car with Adain for awhile and chatted. Then we said our good-byes and I came in and went right to bed. A couple min’s later Adain text me. He wanted to sleep over…I wanted him to. So, he came back. I told him before he even got here though, that there would be no sex. We cuddled, made out, got nakey and of course, he tried to have sex with me, but I stayed strong. No sex. It was much more natural feeling being with him this time than it was 5 months ago.

He stayed for a bit this morning and we chatted more. He caught be up on his latest relationship fumble and I told him how I had thought Liam was the first normal guy I’d liked and he’s turned out to be the most unreliable alcoholic I’ve ever met. I’m so disappointed. But, Adain and I seem to be good, even with all the awkwardness that happened between us. He invited me to join him tomorrow (on Valentines Day) at Big Bear where he and his friends are going skiing tonight and tomorrow. I said no. Still planning on spending V-day at home with some great home cooked meal and champagne…perhaps though I’ll skip the champagne. Alcohol lately has not been proving to be a good thing in my life.

Argh! I’m so frustrated!!! Why can’t there be one nice, normal male in my life who likes my mind as well as my body. I’m really beginning to lose all hope of ever having a relationship again.

Back from a short hiatus...

January 31, 2009

So, I’m a terrible person for not keeping this current and up to date this past week. I’ve been super busy with Lindsay and work. But, lots of random things have definitely been happenin’. Let’s see, met my soul mate in a forty-year-old Australian mans body. Hung out with Liam, who confessed his attraction to me. Confronted my roommates about their weird judgements about my dating life and made some awesome connections.

I was on set for a commercial and I met Ray. He’s from Melbourne and absolutely adorable. He’s one of the most positive and optimistic people I’ve ever met. We spent most of the day talking about our astrological signs and our animal signs. I’m a rat and he’s a dog…apparently we’d make great lovers. That’s just what they say. We exchanged emails and we’re gonna catch a movie sometime soon. He’s just overall a great guy and I think he’s going to be a great connection in the biz.

Hung out with Liam twice this past week. Lindsay and I went out on Wednesday night to a local dive bar and met up with Liam and his roomie. We drank a bit, danced a bit and Liam told me that he likes me and had inquired after the first night we met about my stats. And my roommate Nate had apparently told him that “She’s not into guys.” So, Liam thought I might be gay. I told him that I’m definitely not and that I do like him also. But we kept it completely friendly and didn’t even end the night with a kiss. We did make plans for the next evening though.

Again, Lindsay, Liam and roomie and their other friend Craig came out and we bar hopped in Hollywood. I was DD, so I was not drinking. At one point we were at Beauty Bar and Liam pulled me onto the dance floor with him. He was absolutely adorable dancing his cares away. However, the night ended kind of strangely. Lindsay and Craig hit it off and were hot and heavy, which made Liam’s roommate unhappy and in turn pissed off Liam. I tried my damnedest to cheer him up, but no go. So, in turn I got frustrated.

Now things are just kind of awkward. I haven’t text or talked to him in two days and am gonna try to go at least one more day without contact. I want to give him a bit of space to figure out what he wants from me because right now I think we both feel strange about what’s been happening with my roommates. God, why is everyone so pathetic? Ugh.

Last night, I slept over at Tony’s. He called me upset and wanted me to come over to cheer him up/sleep with him. He didn’t say it like that, but, come on…he’s a guy. So, I did my job of cheering him up. We made out a little. We cuddled, he tried to get frisky, and I refused him. It felt really, really good to say “No.” But, I spent the night and got up this morning, kissed him on the forehead and said goodbye. His phone is turned off, so I’m unable to call him. I wanted to find out how he was feeling today, but couldn’t.

Let’s see…today is the last day of January 2009 and I’ve successfully made it the whole month being single and celibate. Let’s see how February goes. Gotta get up bright and early for work tomorrow, so I’m off to bed. Here’s to a new month!

A Proposal? So soon?

January 21, 2009

8am, I woke up to a marriage proposal. Ok, so maybe it was a marriage text and it was at 8:37am, but it was still a proposal. My friend Jeff, who lives in Chicago, text me most randomly this morning. I feel like everyone I met last summer has just come back into my life and all in three days…I’ve heard from 8 of my coworkers/friends from my catering job. There must be a reason for this.

Jeff continued to text me silly things about how we’d have a honeymoon on the moon and even though we can’t afford it, “our love will pay for everything.” I know he was joking about everything. He’s gay. As for as I know, he’s gay. And he’s a drug addict. So I don’t quite know what kind of future I would have with a gay drug addict, but it would be thrilling! That’s for sure!

Also, I talked to Kyle last night, who is on his way into town with the newest band he’s tour managing. He informed me that they would be staying at Chez Irene’s this evening. I have yet to tell the roommates. What a nice surprise!

Margaret and I have our Women’s Study church group tonight for the first time. I’m looking forward to it. No men. What a change of pace. Then we come home to a house full of men. Men in bands…hmmm. This will most definitely make for a comical evening. There will not be a drop of alcohol on my lips! I think I’m gonna have to play the mother figure this evening. I hope this works out and our apartment doesn’t explode!!

I’m frightened. Updates soon.

Take a Load off!

January 16, 2009

My ex…the infamous one, who shall remain nameless, keeps trying to friend me on myspace. It’s breaking my heart all over again. He tried a few weeks ago and I denied his request. He just tried again today and attached a note, “Please friend me.” If he would just pick up a phone and call me, I might be apt to pick up. I’m not sure, but a phone call is more respectful than friending on myspace is. Especially when it’s someone you were in love with…supposedly.

I was his “dream girl”. He always told me before we ever dated and were just colleagues at college that he would tell his guy friends I was the one girl he’d want to be with if he could. He got his chance. It lasted just over a year. Could have lasted longer if he was just willing to keep it in his pants or at least come visit me. But no. He’s a man. Sadly, I’m learning that that’s more normal than not. It’s just ripping my heart to shreds and leaving me feeling so hopeless about ever finding someone to love; especially here in L.A.

Argh! I shouldn’t even write about this, it makes me want to cry right here and now in the middle of the library. I thought I was over being emotional about him. I thought I was just angry, but now I find myself missing him again. I don't know if its just loneliness making me miss him or if I truly desire his company. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we’ve been together. Will I ever get over this?

I need proof. Proof that there are good men out there. Men who want a relationship and not just sex. I just counted and I realized I slept with 10 guys last year. Holy Shit. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that could claim such a thing. To some that might seem like a small number but to me, that’s about tripling in one year the number of people I’ve been with my whole life. That’s really disturbing. Thank goodness for celibacy. I feel really shameful about that. I’m almost speechless.

I’m almost done with my first month of singledom and now I know that this is going to be a very good thing for me this year. A cleanse of all the bad that was last year. Unfortunately, that’s why I can’t be friends with my ex. He destroyed my hope. I need to get it back. So, I have to do it without him.

Going to Pineapple tonight with Miguel and Lee and the roomies. I’m glad they’re up for hanging out all the time, I just hope I haven’t just turned myself into a constant fifth wheel, instead of just a third. I’m not sure which is worse…

My Apology

January 15, 2009.

I apologize. I've missed two days of blogging and I swore to never do that! I've been unusually busy this past week (Thank God!) with work. And, it's been interesting! I worked on tuesday as audience and only spoke with girls. No men allowed! It was short and sweet, 4 to 6pm. Decided to go to wing night even though my roomies weren't going. Dressed for comfort, not for style. Lupe, one of my fave waiters there, greeted me at the door. We chatted and caught up on life a bit. He asked if I had a boyfriend (he's married), and I said, "Nope, still no boyfriend." And he said, "You're too cute to not have a boyfriend!" But then agreed that here in L.A. all they want is sex and no committment.

Nikki's boyfriend was hanging out at the bar, so we chatted a bit. He's british and has quite the crude sense of humour. I feel like I'm just "one of the guys" when I'm talking with him. Which is good, because I would never want Nikki to think I was flirting with him, but it's also bad, because he has no sensor. And I can get a little offended.

Sam was there...Haven't seen him since my oh-so-drunken night. I was kind of embarrassed to see him. We've talked since then, but I've been avoiding seeing him, though he's tried multiple times to hang out. I just feel awkward about some things that were said. I was stupid. Well, he was getting on my nerves, because he was teasing me and I just wasn't in the mood to be teased, even flirtatiously. I think he got the hint and didn't stay very long. He left me alone with my salad.

I went home and tried to go to bed as early as possible so I could get up in time for my 6am call on wednesday, which was in Ontario, CA. Which, is an hour drive from me. So, I think I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. But, I got to work on time and in a good mood. I realized, I really do love my job.

Within 30min of being there I met Muhamed. He was very cute and very outgoing. We chatted while in line for wardrobe. Then he got pulled out of line to replace an actor that didn't show up, and we pretty much didn't see eachother for the remaining 13 hours on set. I was sort of okay with that, because I didn't want the awkward ending of the day, where he asks for my number and I have to explain I'm not dating, blah blah blah. That seems rather presumptious of me to think he's "naturally" going to ask for my number, but it happens a LOT on set. And I'm sure it happens to most girls, not just me. But it happens. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day avoiding talking to the guys on set. There were about 30 extras and only 8 of us women. It was a military scene. So major testosterone overload. I managed to chat with some of the ladies who were very fun. Then at the end of the night, the men started to get frisky.

One of them told me that there's no way I won't get recalled for this show because I'm so beautiful. Another one started a conversation with me about acting and told me that I was very attractive and perfect for acting. Then when we finally wrapped, my car battery was dead, so I had to get a jump. I approached three of the men in the parking lot and they all had cables. Then the one who had told me I was beautiful before, goes, "Wait, wait, wait! What does the guy get who jumps your car? Does he get to take you out on a date?" And I said, "No, he gets a very enthusiastic 'Thank you'"." Ughhghgkkk!!! Why are guys so pathetic? Then...I was trying to find the exit from the parking lot and I pulled over to a security guy and asked him if I was going the right way and he proceeds to tell me that he wishes I could stay there all night with him and I'm so pretty and "Do you have a boyfriend?"

What?? Are you really asking me if I have a boyfriend right now, sir?? So, I lied and said, "Yeah, I do!" Oh my goodness. First of all. I had been there for 14 hours. I looked like shit. I had fake sunburn make up all over my face. I was exhausted and it was dark. There's no way he could tell if I was attractive or not. He was just plain horny. Gross. I hate men.

However, I did learn that I really can't live without them. On my way home, I stopped off at Ralph's to get some wine. I wanted to get drunk. I took five minutes to go in and out of the store and when I came out, my car would not start, yet again. I walked home and told my roomies, but neither of them have jumpers so my car was stranded. I called Tony. He came to my rescue. He drove to my apt, picked me up, took me over to Ralphs, found someone to jump my car for me and followed me to autozone where I parked my car overnight so I could fix it in the morning. I really appreciate him. However, he was very condescending the entire time and kept undermining me. It made me feel really bad. And on the way back to my apt, I started crying.

Its times like these that I realize just how alone I really am. No one to hug and hold me and tell me everything is ok and reassure me that I'm not stupid and that I'm a capable woman and everything will work out. I have Tony who will help me with the physical things, but not the emotional. It's frusterating.

Bottom line is, and I'm sure I'll come to this conclusion more often then not, that I want a boyfriend. Someone to depend on. Someone I can call at all hours of the night and he'll be there for me. Someone to fall asleep next to.

Someday, I suppose. I have work all night tonight. But for now, I'm off to the park to work out. I'll update soon!

Coffee Jitters

January 12, 2009.

As I entered my favorite coffee shop, I over heard the boy at his laptop saying to his friend, "I just want a cute girl I can watch horror movies with, is that too much to ask?" I think it is too much to ask here in L.A. I just want a cute guy I can cuddle with, go out to coffee with, go to the beach with, go running with. Is that too much to ask?

Went to extra work this morning, met a few people, but I think I'm learning how not to attract guys. Be completely uninterested, immerse yourself in a book or magazine, don't laugh at their jokes and rarely smile in their direction. I still manage to make friends, but it's just that...friends and not lovers. I like it. It's a feeling of power.

I really do want a boyfriend though. I just need a friend, really. It's so hard in L.A. to be alone, all the time. I'm finding though that I'm enjoying my roommates more. Recently they've come out of their couple shell and they feel more like friends to me then they have all year. It's nice. Last night when I got home, we just sat and chatted, no tv, no video, just the three of us sharing stories with one another.

Well, I think unfortunately, tonight is going to be an eventless evening. I have some shopping at Target and then perhaps I'll go catch a movie, by myself. Nice. I'll update later if anything super exciting is to occur!

Home at last...

January 10, 2009

What a great day! Got booked for Monday on ‘Samantha Who’ with my car, so went to get a car wash before my audition for a short film. My audition went fairly well, so I thought. Deiter, the director was absolutely adorable and I’m sure would be a blast to work with. I find out next week. Bought lovely new sheets for my bed…wish I had someone to share them with.

Heard from Will, my crush who lives in Florida. Met him when I was working catering this summer. He’s absolutely adorable and everything I want in a boyfriend. If only he lived here. But he calls me when he’s sad or bored. I enjoy that. Margaret pointed out that I’m, “building a foundation, rather than just sleeping with him.” This is true, and makes me happy.

Then Miguel and his wife Lee came over for game night. It was so nice to have guests at our house. We actually spent the majority of the evening talking instead of playing games. We enjoyed lots of munchies and wine smoothies. Played a round of ‘Apples to Apples’ and returned to some good old-fashioned conversation. Lee is very cute and sweet. I liked her a lot and I’m glad because it gives me hope about the two of them. They seem good together. Neil came over late as well. He’s a genuinely nice guy and I’m glad he joined us for a bit. It was just such a pleasant night. It’s the first time I truly felt at home here since we moved into this apartment. It felt like my place, my friends, and my party. I am very satisfied right now.

Lee mentioned my ring and noted that for her, she only has her engagement ring and no wedding ring (even though they’re married), so guys still try to pick her up saying, “Well, it’s not official yet!” I don’t know, I think it works for me in the aspect that it gives my lie a little credibility and makes it easier for me to say no because I look at my hand and start to believe the lie myself. She told me we have to go out together so she can teach me how to be “bitchier”.

Turned down a date with Anthony and a date with Sam tonight. Not because I didn’t want to hang out with them, but because I was entertaining guests! I think I may have offended them both a bit. The way I turned each down was kind of short and lacking a good excuse. Would have invited Sam over tonight to play games and mingle, but I know him, he would’ve gotten extremely drunk because he would assume that he was sleeping over. I didn’t want to have to tell him no.

I feel a little bit stronger each day. I’m so focused on my work now and leave little time for men. I can’t wait to see who I become by the end of the year. This is the year of change and I couldn’t be happier with it!

Wine and Dine and Everything's fine!

January 9, 2009.

Ran. Ran errands. Drank wine. I desperately want to go out tonight, but once again, have no one to go out with! Like I said, I was supposed to go to the Edison with Sam, but he text me about an hour ago, letting me know that he’ll be working all night, so he’s unable to go. Boo…I didn’t really want to travel all the way to Downtown L.A., but it was a possibility of being social.

Checked guys out today…just kept noticing them everywhere I went. “Ooh, he’s adorable!” Think I’m anxious for some lovin’.

I want to go out in a group tonight. No pressure there. You can just all hang out and have a good time and it’s not like anyone’s looking to hook up with anyone else in the group (or at least not making it obvious).

I have a total crush on one of my roommate’s friends. He’s hot, in a band and from Boston. We hung out one night (like two months ago) and just totally hit it off (or at least I hit it off with him). But he’s getting over some serious relationship stuff, as am I. I made a point of it not to exchange numbers with him when we hung out. He’s Nate’s friend and I didn’t want it to become the dating game between us. But, I haven’t stopped liking him since that night and I wish now that I had his number because I want a drinking buddy…that he is very good for. Him and his roommate would be the ideal guys to hang out with tonight. I NEED FRIENDS!

Is it super weird for me to go to a bar by myself tonight? I always think, “It’s not weird if there’s a band” or live music of some kind. Because then you have a reason for being there and something to do rather than stare at your drink, wishing it could talk.

Hmm…I need to create a singles bar. Where you’re only allowed to go if you are going out alone. I’m talking even no girlfriends are allowed to accompany you. If you’re a single person and need a place to go on a night when all your friends are working or no one’s interested in being social. Come to “SinglesOnly”! The only bar where absolutely no one knows eachother! Or would that just turn out to be super creepy?

Ok, I’m writing with two glasses of plum wine in me…so I may not be making total sense, but I’m having a hell of a time doing it!

So here are my single woman options tonight:

A. Get drunk at home…most likely by myself since my roommates are lamo’s
B. Go to a bar by myself…risk obnoxious conversation from a guy I’m totally not interested, but potentially gain a lot of info for this blog.
C. Call one of the many guys I’ve slept with, but am currently on “friends without benefits” plan with right now. Risk having an awkward convo about why we’re not having sex tonight.
D. Go out with Tony. Have him watch while I drink. (He’s 2 yrs sober)
E. Go to sleep now at 7pm and dream about having a social life.

Great goodness my life is pathetic! But! I’m still having…THE BEST YEAR EVER!


Just got home from sort of doing option D. and before that I sort of did option E. So it’s been a pretty good night. I fell asleep after blogging earlier. Wine makes me sleepy…when I woke up, Tony actually called me. Haven’t seen him since the 1st and have been trying not to be the one that calls him, again. So, I was happy to hear from him. He asked me to join him at his favorite sushi place in Hollywood. We actually were there about the same time last January together. We went out the night after we met, hung out with his best friend, he kept saying, “Doesn’t she look like a mini Kate Hudson?” and we sat at a table next to Jack Osbourne, Cody something, some lead singer in a band and Malcolm in the Middle. (As you can see, I’m terrible with names). But last year I was totally star struck, it being barely my third month in town.

Well, to be nostalgic tonight we ran into Cody. Tony knows him (I think from AA). And go figure, Cody was at the same table with Jack Osbourne and that same musician. I think they have a tradition. Perhaps Tony and I do too. How strange that we would go out at the same time each year!

We had sushi, it was delicious, and Tony actually picked up the check. It’s been awhile because he’s been unemployed, so I don’t blame him. I completely understand. It was nice. He’s got a new job and I told him all the exciting stuff that’s been going on with my career. He’s also an actor, I don’t know if I mentioned that. Then we headed back to his place. I informed him, however, that I would not be sleeping over. And after we started cuddling he started trying to get me in the mood, which honestly, I always am with him and I don’t know why I haven’t shaken it yet. But I informed him we would not be having sex and all of my clothes remained on. I know…way to go, slut! Ha, ok maybe I’m being harsh on myself, but you know, baby steps.

I realized the thing with Tony is that I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He can be a really great friend to have around. But he gives so little of himself. And I don’t think it’s that he’s selfish, I think it’s that he’s been hurt in the past and chooses to shut people out and barely let them in so that it doesn’t happen again. I just wish his nice, sweet side would come out more often! It’s so rare.

One time last year we were laying together in the buff and he was holding me close and he said, “Breathe with me”. He wanted me to sync our breathing patterns. I don’t know, I thought it was pretty romantic. I think he was trying so hard to connect with another human being he felt as if the only way to truly do it was to share one breath.

I hate that I know he’s in there, but will probably never live to see the day that nice sweet compassionate Tony comes out!

Closed off from Love

January 8, 2009.

Wow. So much to say about today. Got booked on an extra gig for today. Was working “Kath & Kim”. Big crowd scene. Arrived at 7:15am and ran into Miguel. I worked with him a few weeks ago, before I went home for the holidays. Sweet kid. 22yrs old and already married…hmmm.

We spent the entire day chatting. He remembered the ring. He noticed it last time, because he was talking about being married and then asked, “Well, what about you?” motioning to the ring (I had been wearing it on my left hand already). I couldn’t lie and after discovering he was married, felt quite safe to tell the truth about the ring. We also were chatting with Neil, another extra he knew from other sets and I had just met. Neil mentioned the ring and Miguel blew up my spot! He called me out and said, “Oh yeah, you’re one of those girls!” They both teased me about it quite a bit.

I just reassured them, “If only you knew what I went through with dating last year…” They prodded and teased and kept repeating, “You’re closed off to love!” (Jokingly of course).

They learned that I tend to date sensitive guys and yes, it is because I’m quite a strong willed woman, leaning toward feminism, but not quite that radical, I just like my independence. They of course started in on that and we talked about how two stubborn people just wouldn’t work. It made me think of Tony…the guy I dated for two weeks straight last January and broke up with because he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong and I was too stubborn to accept his non-apology. Two “stubborns” don’t make a right.

Then Miguel laughed and said, “I think she’s looking for a guy who knows exactly what he wants and won’t take shit from no one.” I think you are right on the money Miguel…so where are all those guys?

And is it so bad that I like to wear the pants in the relationship? Perhaps that’s always been the reason I leave the man first. Even when I’m still in love. Because I have the balls to make that decision. Oy…I’m sounding like such a hard ass. I hope no guys are reading this and getting totally turned off right now.

All I’m saying is that I like to be treated equal. I don’t like to be treated gently as if I’m fragile and will break if I open a door myself. I just want you to acknowledge that I’m capable of doing everything you can do and also be able to admit when I can do it better. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t like to need a relationship, but I’d like to want one. And I do want one. I want one with a guy who’s my best friend and can make me laugh. Who understands when I need space or girl time away from him. Who’s not threatened by the fact that most of my friends are male. Who understands that if I were going to cheat, I just would never have gotten in a relationship in the first place. Who knows that I don’t like to be cared for as if I was a child, but do need to be looked after when I’m blue or feeling ill. Where is this guy?? Does he really not exist??

Sam called tonight. Invited me to go out to a bar downtown with him tomorrow night. He makes me smile. Why am I so afraid of being close with him?

Singing Pornstars...

January 7, 2009.


2:00am.

I think the ring has an adverse effect on guys that already know me.

Went to "pornstar karaoke" tonight with some ex coworkers of mine. Had a good time. Nikki and I dressed like pornstars…we were the only ones that got that memo. I ran into Brad from Improv, he didn’t recognize me at first with my porno get-up. Someone compared me to that girl from Big Love…ugh, I hate that! Sure, she’s a successful actress already and she’s years younger than me, but I’m prettier than that, right??

Well, to get to the point, one of my ex coworkers, Mike, was getting on my nerves. The story starts back in May sometime when we got drunk and made out…all night long. I realized after that I had no interested in pursuing him any further. I get drunk, I get affectionate, what can I say? However, he felt like pursuing me further. So a week or so later we went for drinks again. Only I stuck to one drink only and he got pretty buzzed. We decided to head out and he expected to hook up again. I politely turned down his offer, "Thanks, but I’m tired, I really need my sleep tonight." He begged and pleaded and reminded me of what "a good time we had last time…" That’s what he thinks! So I stuck with my original, thanks, but no thanks. He got quite offended. I think he even left pouting.


Now, being a sensible person, I would think that that would be the end of it. Well, tonight, Mike got extremely drunk and I stuck with my one beer only policy. He flirted and touched and danced. I tried hard to be polite and remember, "he’s just drunk." But, I know now that it’s more than him just being drunk. He started in on the ring. Laughing at it, saying it’s ridiculous, blah blah blah. Then with his next beer came the next level. Jokingly explaining to me how hurt he really is. Or maybe he was just being an ass. Here’s his routine:


"You know, I only hooked up with 5 girls last year, but you’re the only one I really cared about. (Pause) No wait, it was 8. One, lasted three months…she got clingy. But you know, whatever, it was a nice June 22. (Pause for creepy effect) Just kidding, I don’t remember exactly when it was, but you know, we had fun!"


Um…is he really still talking about that one night I was drunk and let him sleep over and we made out a little? Oh my goodness. Get over it! They say guys move on quicker than girls do. Is that really true? I think not.


Wearing the ring tonight was nice. I talked flirtatiously to a guy but kept in mind that if it in fact advanced, and the exchanging of numbers was to be mentioned, I would kindly say "no thanks". It felt nice to have that power. Also, it felt nice to know that I wouldn’t be bringing home another mistake like Mike, who would just keep rehashing one night every time we saw one another.


I need to find more activities to keep myself busy. Coming home to an empty bed every night might make me go insane. So, I’ll just keep extremely active so that I fall right asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow each and every night.


I know Mr. Right’s out there. At least I’m hoping he is. I’m willing to wait, I just hope I don’t have to wait too long. I’ve decided, as another "rule" for myself is to not make this ring thing keep me from finding Mr. Right. Going on dates is acceptable, however, no sleepovers, and no makeout sessions. That way I can still meet guys, figure out if I enjoy their company and then have no regrets and no more notches on my bedpost. I like giving myself that little bit of freedom.


I better get busy…quick!


9:44pm and ready for bed.

So I totally had intentions of being social this evening. I was driving home from my audition when I received a text from Anthony. I met him from a film we both worked on as extras about a month ago. He liked me immediately. I tried to be completely clear in the fact that I was not/am not looking for a relationship right now.

Anywho, we’ve hung out a few times and since then I’ve been scarce in his life due to holidays and the fact that I feel like I’m only leading him on by accepting his invitations. Well, he texts me tonight telling me that he was having a party at his place, “8ish”. I strongly considered going. I came home, made myself a lovely gnocchi dinner and had some plum wine. I was feeling sociable. Then the phone rang and I got a job for tomorrow. I’m working “Kath and Kim” as a spectator at a Roller Derby at 5:30am. No way am I hanging out tonight. It’s not even ten yet and I’m in p.j.’s, teeth brushed, face washed, contacts out and ready for as close to eight hours of sleep as possible.

I’m a true professional! Well, tomorrow is sure to bring about some adventures, so I’ll update manana!

Sweet Dreams of Prince Charming and world where you don’t need him!

Everyone makes Mistakes

January 6, 2009.

I cheated last night. I mean I still abstained from sex…but I let myself make out and get sort of nakey and cuddle all night with my friend Sam.

It started like it always starts. We meet at a bar for drinks to catch up cuz we haven’t seen one another for a bit. We get drunk and giddy and kiss…then we make out for a bit and before we know it, we’re sleeping next to one another.

The thing about Sam is I’m so comfortable around him. He noticed the ring about halfway through our night and I told him the deal with it. I explained how it’s supposed to help me sort out my emotions and not complicate things with sex and boys. I also told him that I’m blogging about it, because it’s sort of a social experiment as well. To which he responded, "Well, just don’t tell me the name of the blog, write about me, change my name, just don’t let me read it."

I’m still plenty confused about that boy though. We’ve been friends for a year now. We became more than friends sometime last April. Not sure how or why it happened, but it did. I know drinks were involved. Here in lies my second vice: Alcohol. Not that I’m an alcoholic, I can go weeks without desiring a drink, but when I do drink, I become more open to opportunities that present themselves. Less likely to say "no", which is what I need to learn to do!

So I unloaded a bunch of emotional garbage on him at the bar and told him that I’m always confused about him because I have so many feelings toward him, ranging from sisterly love to passionate love. (I didn’t use the word love in the conversation; that would’ve sounded way too creepy). But at the same time he sends me mixed signals, like after spending the night, I may not hear from him for weeks. "Just like every other guy."

He admitted that he’s always felt strongly for me, but thought I wanted the distance from him. Which isn’t entirely untrue. I tried to distance myself from most guys last year, so that I wouldn’t get hurt again.

He respects what I’m doing with the ring. I, now that I think back, stupidly, invited him to sleepover. I flatly said, "I’d like for you to spend the night, we won’t be having sex, but it would be nice to cuddle and kiss you for a bit." I should note, he is an amazing kisser…great lips, lots of passion.

So he accepted my invite and respected my no sex policy. It was nice to have a body against mine.

I started dreaming about us lying there and he was saying, "So what do we call eachother? Are we like, boyfriend, girlfriend?" And I just giggled and kissed him to make him shut up. Because I knew that’s not what I wanted. When I woke up this morning I was so glad that was a dream…at least I hope it was a dream.

I fucked up.

Going out tonight. Maybe I’ll be the DD and stick to soda. I don’t want to repeat last night.

Definitions

January 5, 2009

I looked up the definition of "abstinent" today :

abstinent \AB-stuh-nuhnt\, adjective:abstaining, especially from self-indulgence

Now the sentences they use to better describe the word are always pertaining to sex, however, the definition says nothing about sex. How strange that our society just automatically associates being self-indulgent with having sex.

Total side note...I went to dictionary.com to look up a few definitions and I just realized, I didn't actually look up "abstinent", it was on the first page of the site as the "Word of the Day". How crazy coincidental is that? It's a sign...I totally believe in signs.

So what exactly is self-indulgence?

self-in⋅dul⋅gent [self-in-duhl-juhnt, self-] adjective - 1. indulging one's own desires, passions, whims, etc., esp. without restraint.

Hmm...have I done that in the past year? Yup, way too many times. This is something I definitely need to work on. This will be a good test of my will power and self restraint.

I've spent approximately 5 hours in the coffee shop today, well ok, maybe it's really only been 3, but it feel like 5 and my eyes are getting blurry from staring at the computer screen. Tonight, I sense will be another "old maid" evening which consists of me sitting in front of the t.v. knitting, while my lovey dovey roommates cuddle across the room. Gross. I need a social life, without men, without roommates.

Tomorrow night Nikki has decided that she'd like to reschedule our rendezvous so that we can join some of (my ex) her current coworkers out at Porn Star Karaoke night. Sounds like an exhilarting time. We've all decided to make it even more fun and dress like porn stars for the evening...should make for an interesting blog. I've never flirted with a porn star before! I have a feeling it won't be hard to practice restraint in such a situation.

Church + Improv = Happiness?

January 4, 2009.

Let’s see…what to say about today. Well, woke up early enough to join Margaret at church. Something we’re trying out this year. Church was good. It was a sermon about being a better Christian and the tools you need to succeed.

The last time we went to this church I moved the ring back to my right hand. It just didn’t seem right having a false presentation of myself. And the way I saw it was, it’s not like guys are going to be picking you up in church, so there’s really no threat to being single here. However, this time I kept it on my left. I think I’m gonna try to never move it over, just so I get used to it and almost forget it’s even there.

Now, even though I’m in a house of God, I can’t help but think about the men around me. It’s just interesting. I find Christian men rather intimidating. I grew up surrounded by Christian men and they just always seemed so much stricter than others did. My father was a Christian man, but he was also a rather cheerful and humorous person. He did have quite the anger within him though. I think I associate wrath with men of faith as well. Which is sort of ironic.
But every time I go to church or am in a situation where there are religious men my age, I can’t help but think, "This is who I don’t want to marry". Sounds backward, but it’s true.

Went to improv tonight. Small group this evening, only four of us. Three girls and one guy. Now, I know I seem to have my focus on men, but that’s the whole point of this blog. To study men, while at the same time warding them off with my ring of abstinence!
Right when I got there we started talking about holidays and family. I brought up an argument that I had recently with my sister. Which in turn led to a discussion on marriage. I discovered that Brad, the only male improviser this evening, finds that dating a girl for three years should be the defining moment. "After three years you know if you want to marry them or not." I agree, but I think even sooner, you’d probably be able to tell. I think within the first year you know whether there is long term potential or not. Then you decide to stick with it and when you feel the timing is right, you take the next step.

I’m still undecided about marriage myself. Every time I think about it I just don’t see the point. But instinctually I always catch myself thinking, "Well, when I get married…" or "The guy I’m going to marry…"

The "ex" tried to friend me on myspace today. I immediately denied the request. May seem childish but I have to keep him out of my life in order to separate myself fully from that moment in my past. It just made me angry. I really, honestly saw myself marrying him. It just felt good. And here he is without the balls to pick up a phone and call me, so he simply friend requests me on myspace. Why are guys such pussy’s?? Argh! It’s been bothering me all day, even though I told myself I wouldn’t let it.

Well, I apologize that this weekend has been fairly uneventful and uninformative. I’m trying to set up plans next week to be much more social. Going out on Wednesday with my girlfriend Nikki. She always attracts attention (she’s a model, literally), so in turn I get the run off. Should be fun! This week better prove to make me stronger than I feel at this moment or it’s gonna be one LONG year!

Sleeping alone is cold

January 3, 2009.

I was trying to get to sleep last night and I was freezing!! I just thought how nice it would be to have a warm body next to me. I wouldn't have to wear my sweatshirt to bed. I could sleep naked and still be warm. I miss that feeling.

Went for a run this morning and couldn't help but notice every guy I ran by. "He's dressed kinda hip and dorky, bet I'd have a crush on him." "Wow, a cute dog and a cute owner..." "I hope he doesn't notice just how red my face is becoming from this run." Why? Why do I care about any of that while I'm running? I hate it. I want to just be me, in my own little world, not worrying about the people around me.

Margaret (my roommate) and I are meeting people for drinks later tonight. It's sort of a networking event. We're meeting with a director she's worked with in the past to discuss an upcoming movie he's working on. Pretty exciting. I think I've met most of the people we'll be seeing tonight and they all have seen me with my ring already. So, it's not gonna be a surprise to them or anything new. They're reactions last time were extremely varied, from "Congrats" to "Well, when you decide to take off that ring..." and handing me a business card. It'll be interesting to see what happens this evening.

It is also Saturday night, so the opportunities are endless!

I'll update soon!

11pm.

Tonight I’m lonely. I live with a couple, so being single is especially hard. It’s not like living with two roommates, it’s like constantly being a third wheel. No one’s idea of fun.

Tonight we watched "Nacho Libre". They cuddled on the couch and I got the love seat, in which I spent the time with my needles and yarn, knitting a scarf…just because I need to keep myself occupied at all times so I don’t get caught up in lonely thoughts.

Margaret and I went to drinks at 5 30 like planned. It went well. We’ve been invited to be part of a cast of an upcoming film. We’re both honored and very excited. I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin tonight though. Very out of place. As if, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today, career wise, life wise. I’ve left so much behind…family, comfort, love. And none of that even matters because here I sit with people I only know from a one time meeting at a party I went to as Margaret’s + 1 and they’re offering me an incredible opportunity. Now, I’m as happy as can be, and don’t want to seem as if I’m complaining at all, because I’m not. But a little part of me feels extremely defeated.

When Margaret and I were walking back to the car she said, "Wouldn’t it be great if I could make in this field without ever having to audition?" And all I could think was, "No, it would be totally unfair!" I’ve gone on so many auditions since being here while she’s done nothing for her career, it would be like one more slap in my face.

I don’t have a boyfriend. Whack. The man who wanted to marry me wasn’t willing to move across the country for me, like her bf did. Whack, whack. I’ve actually worked to be where I am today and she just stumbled across this opportunity. Whack, whack, whack.

Ok, I’m riding the bitter bus. I apologize. This happens when I come home to an empty bed at night. It happens when I have no one to call and tell about my day or the exciting things that are happening in my heart, my soul. It happens whenever I’m alone.

It’ll probably happen a lot this year. But I will try oh so desperately to avoid it at all cost and become a happier person.

Church and Improv tomorrow…maybe that’ll be the key to my happiness.