Cleanse...

August 18, 2009.

So day one of the Master Cleanse has come and (almost) gone...

The first part isn't so bad. You spend the day drinking a pitcher of homemade lemonade with cayenne pepper in it. Which, actually tastes pretty darn good.

But then...you have to chug 25 oz. of salt water. I almost threw up. A couple of times. This part is supposed to flush out your system. Awesome...can't wait. I did this about 20 minutes ago because I was home for the evening, no place to go, no people to see and I have the apartment all to myself. Well, it's supposed to take affect within 30 – 60min and lil bro just got home...awesome. Now I have an audience as I run to el bano every 5 minutes as my angry bowels yell at me!

Oh cleanse...I hope you're worth it.

I have absolutely no, and I repeat, no boy news to share with you today. I spent my day rather productively! Lacey and I walked to Trader Joe's to get supplies for our cleanse, then we came back to my apt and cheers'd our first glass of lemonade. Then we did level one of the 30-day shred...thanks Jillian! After which we chilled for a bit and watched the videos we took during our trip to Palm Springs. Lacey hadn't seen them yet. Made us miss Jess terribly! Come back from Hawaii!!! We need our fourth lady!

I then drove Lacey home and I ran a few errands and then did loads and loads of laundry in between packing up the kitchen. I have to say, I feel quite accomplished! The kitchen is looking emptier and emptier and cleaner and cleaner and I can't wait to start moving stuff into the new place.

The only boy I talked with today was Ike, my friend from home, who is currently in Cali helping with some family drama. He had a rough day and called because he needed someone to listen. I wish I could see him while he's in town. I just want to give him a great big hug and let him know everything's gonna work out, but he's about 2hrs south and super busy. I told him I'd drive to see him. I totally would. A hug would be worth it. He seems so stressed.

It's funny because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and is way upset about it. Last time I was home he was explaining to me how he's just ready for a relationship and wants to be settled down finally. I told him I was feeling the same way. He had started seeing a girl that we both knew in highschool and was really excited about this new prospect. Now, barely half a year later they're already over and done with. It sucks. I feel your pain Ike, I really do.

No word from North today, but not letting myself worry about it. I'm busy, he's busy. Life happens. Meh.

But I was thinking in the car on my way home from rehearsal this evening how I'm really ready to be with someone who's around a lot. More than once a week. Someone who hangs out with my friends and comes to my house on the nights I'm not at his. Someone who wants to hear about my rehearsal and is excited to come to my performance on Friday, flowers in hand. Someone who's just always available whether I want them there or not. And I don't mean, like, has no social life or life outside of me, I just mean someone who's able to come over if I need them near me. I don't know if North will be able to provide this for me for a very long time. I don't know if Drummer would be able to provide this for me, although I do believe he might try.

So, there you have it. Caught in my usual, same old, same old position. But, the rest of my life is pretty darn exciting! So, I'm not gonna let my singledom get me down!

Night!

Slowing Down...

July 12, 2009.

Todd's a great listener. I invited him over last night to join me for a drink and a movie at my place when the UFC fight was finished. I couldn't get the sound on my computer to work (per usual), which is what I watch movies on (no t.v. for me!) and I was getting frustrated, but Todd just grabbed me and cuddled with me on the couch and said, “Forget the movie...”

Then he proceeded to listen to me ramble on about work, palm springs, Nikki, life in general. I realized I was talking...A LOT, and he was just listening intently, taking it all in.

Guys, it's true. Women like men who listen. It's just comforting to know someone cares about what you have to say however menial the topic.

We decided to go lay down in bed and I told him to tell me more stories about his life. I lay next to him as he held me close, it was my turn to listen.

Ok, I think Irene is falling. Maybe just a bit.

The strange thing about L.A. is that even though everyone is so “beach bum” chill, they're always in a rush to find the “next best thing”. This is true in their dating habits as well. Hence, no relationship for me the past year and 9 mo's I've lived out here.

This has infiltrated my mind as well, and I've forgotten that sometimes, you fall for someone gradually. The more you hang out with them, the more you learn, and the more you like. I'm gradually falling for Todd. Just because it wasn't passionate right away, doesn't mean that won't get more and more passionate down the road.

But, I have to admit it is tough, because this L.A. mindset is hard to get rid of. I met Nikki down in Manhattan Beach after my audition today. She was hanging out with her “next best thing”, and Surfer. We all hung at the beach for a bit, then headed to Sharkeez for a bite to eat where I met her “next best thing”'s roommate. Cute. Sweet. Funny. Oh my.

I mean of course I'm not smitten, but my mind started turning and I had silly 'girl meets boy' thoughts. Then I had to stop myself. What about Todd???

Of course nothing happened, not even a number exchange, but if this is happening before Todd and I are even official, I'm kind of scared to become official and take the chance that I'll f*up. I wanna be so head over heels for someone that I'm committed to that I don't even realize other males exist. Is this possible?

Nikki said that before I got there she told Surfer that I had a boyfriend so that he would get the hint that nothing is going to happen. She told me that she was explaining to the two of them that “Irene's trying to be good and date just this one boy.” And they looked at her and said, “Well, isn't that what 'dating' means?” Whoops...not in our bubble.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly shake this L.A. mindset because even today, I've been thinking about Madrid and how we should set up a time to go surfing again (no, Irene...that would be bad) and CRAgent contacted me today out of the blue. Haven't heard from him in weeks, but he was recovering at home from his weekend in Vegas and asked if I wanted to come hang. I kind of wanted to (no, Irene...that would be bad).

Argh, being single is almost easier than being in a relationship I think. Less rules and regulations. Less chances to f*up.

Todd and I are not labeled yet, but I kind of want to act like we are, just so that I don't screw up a potential future with him. I'm happy right now. Let's not mess with that.

Set Up For Disappointment...

July 11, 2009.

3:08am. Still up, I'm trying to play “catch-up” on my email situation since I was in Palm Springs this past wednesday and thursday night. My email is insane and I can't go about two hours without checking it, or else it's an impossibility to sort through the mess. Ugh, it's a full time job.

Anywho. Palm Springs. Wow. What an experience. I'm proud of myself though. I did not get sunburned. I did not give my number to anyone even when asked. I did not kiss a single strange boy. I did not get extremely drunk. I had a blast.

It was crazy as usual. Not quite what we were all hoping I think, but nonetheless whenever we go out, we do it right!

I missed Todd like crazy. I was almost sad to go, because I wanted to sleep next to him again. I text him and told him I was missing him and he was “happy to hear this from” me.

So, today I text him all day long, tried to get him to come out with me, Lacey and Nikki tonight. We went out to check out a D.J. that Lacey's been on a couple of dates with and she didn't want to go alone. Todd didn't want to venture into Hollywood with us, so I told him we could meet up later and “end the night in the oaks.” He said he'd call.

He hasn't called. Or text. I'm kind of really upset. I text him around 1:30, when we were leaving the bar and heading back, “Where you at?” No response. I mean, sure, he has a crazy weeks and I know he gets exhausted, but then text me when you're getting sleepy and let me know that you won't be staying up much longer, or text me and try to get me to come over earlier or I don't know, just don't go all MIA and then expect me to understand tomorrow when you text or call and apologize for “passing out.” Ugh. I was really psyched to see him.

It just sucks because I realized the other day, I'm beginning to genuinely have feelings for him and I don't ever let this happen and now I feel as though, I'm letting it happen and I'm just gonna be disappointed in the long run.

Blah. I gotta get some sleep, I didn't mean to be up this late still...I'm looking at a solid 6hrs right now. Yuck. I hate Saturdays.

One Man Woman...?

July 8, 2009.

I'm at my wits end. I think I've had all that I can handle.

Spent the night with Todd last night. I didn't work so right after my rehearsal I headed over to his place and he took me out to dinner. We discussed relationships. It seems to me that as much as he doesn't want a relationship, he wants to be with me just as much. I think I'm feeling the same way. Relationships scare the crap out of me and yet, I think I could make it work with him. I didn't say this to him, nor did he say that to me, it's all inferred.

But something was just so different about last night. We went back to his place, put in a movie and just started making out. He knew I wasn't gonna have sex, so it was just this really passionate, intense making out. I loved it. I want Todd and only Todd. That's what I felt last night and this morning, waking up next to him.

No more strange guys from bars, no more foreigners and one night stands. Just nights with Todd.

I heard from Vienna this morning. Makes me feel so guilty. I haven't talked to him for about a week and he says he “misses me”. I'm about to write him an email explaining that we shouldn't keep in touch. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible, but also try not to hurt him too much. This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.

On my way home from class this afternoon, Pedi text me. It's been awhile for him, too, but he's now saying he wants to come visit this upcoming Monday and stay in L.A. for a little while!!! Nooo! I don't want this. Now I have to break his heart also and tell him that the truth is I'm a two-timing slut and he needs to find someone more deserving of his attention. Although, I'll probably lie and say I'm gonna be out of town.

I'm feeling very unhappy and uncomfortable right now and I think once these two issues are resolved I will begin to feel a bit more calm. I need to lessen my life, not add more baggage. That was the whole purpose of this year and I haven't felt that I needed it until just this moment.

No more. I'm going out tonight and tomorrow with my girls. It's Lacey's birthday tomorrow and we're stealing her away for two nights in Palm Springs. I'm excited but at the same time, I almost don't want to go. I don't want to get drunk with strangers and make out and give my number to men. I don't want to.

So, I won't. I will come back with lots of great stories, but hopefully the best ones don't involve me...


Arghhhhh! Off to write an email..