Cleanse...

August 18, 2009.

So day one of the Master Cleanse has come and (almost) gone...

The first part isn't so bad. You spend the day drinking a pitcher of homemade lemonade with cayenne pepper in it. Which, actually tastes pretty darn good.

But then...you have to chug 25 oz. of salt water. I almost threw up. A couple of times. This part is supposed to flush out your system. Awesome...can't wait. I did this about 20 minutes ago because I was home for the evening, no place to go, no people to see and I have the apartment all to myself. Well, it's supposed to take affect within 30 – 60min and lil bro just got home...awesome. Now I have an audience as I run to el bano every 5 minutes as my angry bowels yell at me!

Oh cleanse...I hope you're worth it.

I have absolutely no, and I repeat, no boy news to share with you today. I spent my day rather productively! Lacey and I walked to Trader Joe's to get supplies for our cleanse, then we came back to my apt and cheers'd our first glass of lemonade. Then we did level one of the 30-day shred...thanks Jillian! After which we chilled for a bit and watched the videos we took during our trip to Palm Springs. Lacey hadn't seen them yet. Made us miss Jess terribly! Come back from Hawaii!!! We need our fourth lady!

I then drove Lacey home and I ran a few errands and then did loads and loads of laundry in between packing up the kitchen. I have to say, I feel quite accomplished! The kitchen is looking emptier and emptier and cleaner and cleaner and I can't wait to start moving stuff into the new place.

The only boy I talked with today was Ike, my friend from home, who is currently in Cali helping with some family drama. He had a rough day and called because he needed someone to listen. I wish I could see him while he's in town. I just want to give him a great big hug and let him know everything's gonna work out, but he's about 2hrs south and super busy. I told him I'd drive to see him. I totally would. A hug would be worth it. He seems so stressed.

It's funny because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and is way upset about it. Last time I was home he was explaining to me how he's just ready for a relationship and wants to be settled down finally. I told him I was feeling the same way. He had started seeing a girl that we both knew in highschool and was really excited about this new prospect. Now, barely half a year later they're already over and done with. It sucks. I feel your pain Ike, I really do.

No word from North today, but not letting myself worry about it. I'm busy, he's busy. Life happens. Meh.

But I was thinking in the car on my way home from rehearsal this evening how I'm really ready to be with someone who's around a lot. More than once a week. Someone who hangs out with my friends and comes to my house on the nights I'm not at his. Someone who wants to hear about my rehearsal and is excited to come to my performance on Friday, flowers in hand. Someone who's just always available whether I want them there or not. And I don't mean, like, has no social life or life outside of me, I just mean someone who's able to come over if I need them near me. I don't know if North will be able to provide this for me for a very long time. I don't know if Drummer would be able to provide this for me, although I do believe he might try.

So, there you have it. Caught in my usual, same old, same old position. But, the rest of my life is pretty darn exciting! So, I'm not gonna let my singledom get me down!

Night!

Different Kind of Heartbreak.

July 26, 2009.

Just said goodbye to Jess. She leaves L.A. tonight and leaves New Mexico for Hawaii in 6 days. I'm heartbroken. I cried, and still am crying. I feel like this past year has been magical because of my girls and now we're one down. It's pretty devastating.

I know I'll see her again, it's just kind of the end of an era. I've never felt a bond with a group of people quite like I do with these girls. When the four of us are together, we're unstoppable. Now that it's down to three...we're still pretty powerful, but we have a weakness.

I text Todd tonight while I was hanging with the girls at C's to see when he gets back from San Diego, where he was for a convention for work. He responded, “Just got back 20 min. ago.”

I just don't know. I don't know. I'm being stupid and pathetic and want to find everything wrong with the situation between us because I'm terrified to be in a relationship, yet crave one so bad. So, I got annoyed that he didn't respond, “Just got back, really want to see you!”

Then we text back and forth a tad bit and finally he asked, “Sleepover tonight?” to which I replied that due to lack of sleep and the glass of sangria which is floating around in my system, I'm incapable of driving. He informed me that he carpooled with his roommate and left his car at work. How inconvenient. Guess we're not having a sleepover tonight. Then this got to me and I just couldn't help but think, if he really wanted to see me, he'd make it happen.

I guess I know what I should do and need to do, I just don't want to do it. I desperately want to be held tonight. I'm really sad. But I want someone who understands to be holding me, not some stranger. And if I called up that person, it would have to be...

...someone I have yet to meet.

I want a man who makes me feel as beautiful and as powerful as my ladies do. I won't settle for less.

*Just realized I didn't fill y'all in on what happened Friday night. After I blogged about wanting Todd to contact me, he did. About 1am and after a couple beers he worked up the courage to text me. We had a quick back and forth which led to him coming over so that we could discuss what happened last weekend.

He came over, we hugged for what seemed like forever, then went to lay down in my bed and talked a little about what happened between us. He apologized for overreacting since, “We're not labeled.” and told me it made him realize that he truly has feelings for me.

I told him that I can't go back to the way things were because “it wasn't enough for me.” Meaning, I was really enjoying my time with him, but if we're spending every weekend together, I want to be able to spend weekdays together also. You can't have a relationship based on two days a week. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that he has complete and utter control over his schedule and if I want to see him more, he can make it happen. He had been giving me space, which my email said I wanted.

So, we snuggled all night long. Woke up next to eachother. He told me he loves waking up next to me. I said, “Ditto.” Then he went his way and I went mine. No call, no text, no nothing, until I text him tonight. Not good enough. I need more.

"She's a Hater!"

July 24, 2009.

There is no better word to describe how I'm feeling right now, than 'SHIT'. I've had one of the most incredible days (yesterday technically) and yet right now, because of my past, I feel like shit. And not just the kind of human feces that comes out when you're eating a healthy diet full of veggies and fiber, but the kind that oozes out of a dogs derriere after he's eaten human food off the kitchen floor and knew he shouldn't, then a little kid accidentally runs through it while playing in the grass and his favorite shoes, which are now soiled with this oozy dog shit get thrown in the garbage and taken to a landfill, there to forever sit and stink amongst its own kind.

Ok, well let me back track.

Spent all day yesterday with my girls. It was our last thursday with Jess...she leaves for Hawaii in just a few days. We're all gonna cry. So we took her to Six Flags: Magic Mountain, since she's been dying to go. It was a blast, it was hot, it was sweaty and the lines were long, but every minute was worth it to be with my ladies.

Then we had to rush back, Lacey had work and I had an audition then off to rehearsal.

I almost didn't go to the audition, because, well, I was feeling exhausted and lazy. But, something just kept saying, “Go...you should go!”

So, I went. And...........long story short, I got the part! Not gonna say too much about it, because still want to keep me, myself and I a somewhat secret. But, I just have to say 'thank you' to my girls first of all and secondly to this blog, because without the things I've experienced this year, I never would have gotten the part. I read the sides and I just about died, because this girl is me, this girl is Nikki, this girl is Lacey. Not so much Jess, because she's not single and totally devoted to her man. But, wow. It just had to be me! And, here I sit, still semi glowing after my first (already) rehearsal with the cast.
I'm stoked. I feel rejuvenated. I remember why I came to L.A. To act. Not to fool with boys, not to find true love, not to be a waitress in a crummy restaurant. I came to L.A. to be an actress.

I'm back. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Anywho, I rushed out of rehearsal, because, although this was such a great opportunity, I was being a shitty friend and missing out on Jess's going away party at Senor Fred's. I sped back to the valley and discovered that S.Fred's was closed, I had missed a call from Seattle (really?) and my phone was now too dead to call and find out where everyone was. Luck of the draw. I drove by Off Kilt and there was Nikki. I pulled a U-y (how do you spell that, I've never tried before) and ran across the street just in time to spend the next 45 min with my ladies.

The night was great. I was referred to as a “hater” because I made fun of a guy who was hitting on Nikki and using pathetic pick up lines. I'm just so over being “nice” and pretending. I almost announced to everyone outside that I no longer like men. Just to get them all to shut up.

I wasn't even drunk, but I was fiesty! I'm over sugarcoating bullshit. Just freaking say it like it is!!!!!

So, finally here I sit at home, 3:08am on friday and I just read the email and listened to the message from Seattle.

Again, long story short, turns out some photos and comments leaked into the internet and Seattle is requesting that I delete them. He is completey right, and I told him so, I was just kind of stupid. I haved a shared page with my girls where we post pics and what not so that we all have access to them. However, there's a password and only the four of us know it and we only post things on there knowing that it's for the four of us and not the world.

But alas, the internet sucks big balls and somehow our whole page has been public. Um...the only thing left unanswered right now is how exactly did Seattle stumble across this page...and why?

I wrote him an email, accepting all guilt. I do feel like an ass. It was rude and childish. I should've known better at my age than to trust the internet. Now I know. Better to learn this now than when something really serious came up (like my sex tape...haha, totally joking. Or am I?)

Anywho, I need to try to be less of a “hater” I suppose and go back to being a nicer person. I used to be so nice that I never used a swear word. I don't know how I ever f*ing did it. Damn.

Alright. Well, I'm gonna try to get some sleep and not let this ruin the incredible mood I was in earlier as I was orgasming with joy in my car over my career achievement.

Live and Learn.

Going to Hawaii

January 20, 2009.

I’ve been invited to go to Hawaii. Sounds great, yes? Roundtrip for $400. What? Craziness. And he’s offering to pay for me. No, this is not a joke. My friend Steve, whom I know from my catering job last summer, was in town tonight for his birthday. He invited me to join him and some friends out at ‘The Room’ in Hollywood. I got Miguel and Lee to join me. They’re awesome, I’m super excited that they’re up for hanging out as much as I’m up for going out!

Anywho, we met Steve and co. there around 10:30pm. It was a pretty cool place. Steve was updating me on his life; we’ve only kept in touch through occasional text messages, so we had lots to catch up on. He mentioned that he’s going to Hawaii in February and looking for someone to go with him. He said he’s been before and it was no fun because he doesn’t like doing nothing by himself.

Now here in lies my dilemma. Steve’s really fun and really cool. I could totally spend a week in Hawaii with him. But, don’t guys only invite girls on vacation that they want to fuck? Excuse my French. Steve and I have never been more than friends. We’ve never kissed, never really flirted that much, and just been super cool with one another. But seriously…is he only inviting me to get laid? How do I tell him that I’d love to go, but am in no position to be sleeping with anyone and am definitely not looking for a relationship? Wouldn’t that put a damper on the whole week? I think so.

Plus, it’s Hawaii. Gorgeous sunsets, amazing beaches, palm trees galore, hula dancers, pina coladas, and so many more romantic things combined with a major consumption of those gloriously fruity cocktails would definitely make Irene in the mood for some lovin’. Attraction or not, those things would definitely make me open to suggestion. So, I guess the bottom line is, I’m not going to Hawaii. I’d love to. But, I can’t.

To top this crazy week off, I’ve got a band that’s going to be staying here tomorrow night and possibly Thursday night, unbeknownst to my roommates. We’ll see how that plays out! A house full of boys and guitars…mmm, I think I’ve always dreamed of that. 

Goodnight.