Saturday Nights...

August 15, 2009.

Manny just left this morning. We went out last night to Rocco's. I was in a foul mood due to issues I'm having at work right now. I may need to find a new job in the very near future. Argh!!!

But anywho, I tried to snap out of it at Rocco's so that I didn't ruin everyone's evening and ended up buying a round of shots that cost me $75...yeah, awesome. Then some random guy with braces (not that I'm judging) decided it was the end of the night and he better make his move now or never. He sits down at the table I'm sitting at with Manny and shakes his hand. I have my back to Braces...on purpose (guys, if a girl doesn't open up to you physically, read: she's not interested and you pretty much have no hope of getting her interested). Braces extends for a shake and introduction with me. I shake his hand quickly and keep my back turned.

Braces: What are your aspirations?

Me: I have none.

Braces: C'mon, everyone has aspirations. What are they?

Me: To die young and beautiful.

Braces: What? C'mon!

Me: Perhaps tonights the night.

Then he launched into so incoherent mumbo jumbo and I just got up and walked away. Yes, bitchy. But do you notice? He still didn't even get the hint when I was being rude, so I don't feel so bad. Why are guys so lame?

Anywho, I went to hang with North for a little bit tonight. He was quite cute. Called me to make plans and said, “Well, it's Saturday!” Referring to the fact that we have indeed spent the last three saturday nights together. I enjoy this fact very much so. Tonight was a little shorter though. His brother was coming in to spend the night before heading back to Chi-town, so I couldn't spend the night tonight, unfortunately. I would have really loved to, but gotta respect the fam!

We always take forever to kiss...the whole night is always a lead up to it. It's kind of fun, because it's a guessing game of when it's gonna happen. Well, we sat and watched brainless t.v. For two hours, then I got up to leave so that he could do what he needed to do with his bro and he grabbed me and pulls me in tight and kissed me. It was so nice. We just stood there kissing for a bit. I really like doing that.

And, I haven't kissed anyone else since we started hanging out. I'm rather proud of that fact! I've kept myself pure just for him! Man, I wish he was ready to dive head first into what could be an amazing relationship, but he's not. Sucks for me!

Next saturday, I'll be moving my stuff into Manhattan Beach apartemento!!! I'm so psyched, but also a little nervous because this is going to change quite a few things for me. I'm gonna try to get North to come down to MB next saturday...let's see if I can be persuasive. I hope I can!

And that's pretty much the news on the home front...when company's in town things are pretty quiet in boyland.

On to the next chapter...

July 19, 2009.


I feel lousy. Things with Todd just went south incredibly quickly and I fear there's no chance of fixing our current situation.

Went out with my coworkers last night, back to Rocco's it was. I wasn't really in the mood to drink and I sent Todd a text asking what his plans for the evening were. He said he definitely didn't want to go to Rocco's. Understandably, I would never have asked it of him.

Rocco's was kind of dull. I mean we all had a decent time, but I'm just so tired of guys and bars and drinking and hook ups and blah blah blah. I text Todd when I was feeling especially low during the evening and informed him “I'm over the bar scene...” to which he responded, “Thank you!!! Good, time for vacays with Todd.”

Um...I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just didn't. Then later on in the evening we were texting back and forth about me possibly cabbing it out to see him and we weren't getting anywhere and I was getting increasingly frustrated. I just wanted him to want to see me so bad that he didn't care what he needed to do to make it happen. So when he kept texting me, “we'll talk tomorrow”, I got angry and told him I'm “over it.” And he replied, “I figured.”

I guess what I really meant is that I'm over how f*ing hard it is to get together with that boy. It shouldn't be so freaking difficult to coordinate plans and make it happen. Especially if we both want it. I told him I'm sorry and he wrote back:

“No, you are not, I know what you wanted, you emailed me the script, I just can't follow it, I got in too deep, it's fine. Trust me, I'm ok. I truly want the best for you. Don't give up on your goals and dreams. We still hang out, I promise, we just need to be strictly friends. Like you originally said. I'm going to sleep. Night.”

Then I tried to call him right after he sent it and his phone was off. I was pissed. I replied, “ok great. Have a good night. I won't waste my time tomorrow.”

I'm an ass and now I'm just sad and angry. I didn't expect this with Todd. I did/do have genuine feelings for him. I think I'm just petrified to trust another man ever again. I hate that I let myself start to feel for him, because now it just sucks. This feels like a mini breakup. Not nearly as tough as when you break up from years of “I love you's” but still more painful then never hearing from a fling again.

I DON'T GET IT!

I text him about an hour ago asking him to meet me for coffee because I don't want to leave things like this with him. It just doesn't seem right. But, no response. I'm very sad about this. I guess I was a jerk and probably deserved this, but God, when will it end???

Alright. Off to rehearsal. Blah.

Confusion and Cocktails.

July 18, 2009.


I was on a roll, I was doing so good and then I had to go and get drunk last night.

(To the tune of “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...”) What a mess, what a mess, what a mess, what a mighty big mess!!!!!

Went out after work with Nikki, Miguel, lil' bro and his friend who's visiting from Minnesota. We went to Rocco's. Saw some guys that were at C's earlier celebrating a birthday, so we introduced ourselves and started up a conversation.

Earlier that night I had hoped to see Todd, however, he at the last minute changed plans, which upset me a bit because I got off work a little early and was excited to see him. I didn't want to wait. I'd been waiting since Monday to see him! So in a grumpy state of mind, I resolved to not see him at all.

He had been texting me and calling and I ignored him for a little. So, back at Rocco's, I'm in a conversation with the birthday boy from C's and in walks Todd and his entourage. He was pissed. I could see it in his eyes even though he wasn't saying it.

I went over and said hello and hugged everyone, etc, etc. Then, in walks Laurie and Madrid. Oh F*ck. So, I'm surrounded by men and two of them from my past/present, who don't know anything about the other and I don't want either of them to know about the other, so I'm trying to do the rounds without looking or being too flirtatious with anyone. Ugh.

Well, I think I successfully pissed off Todd to the point where he didn't want to be around me anymore. He left with his friends to go to a different bar down the street. This kind of upset me also. But really, I was just creating drunken drama.

I resolved not to let Todd bother me and still have a good time flirting with boys. That I did. I chatted a bit more with Laurie and Madrid, who threw in another comment about how I'm always “surrounded by guys” whenever he sees me out and he wondered, “Which one of these is your boyfriend.” To which I strongly replied, “None of them!”

After Laurie and Madrid headed out, Nikki and I exchanged numbers with the Birthday boys and told them they needed to come out with us tonight...I proceeded to text the number I received with the following message: “You're hot! Let's make out tomorrow night!”

Ugh. I'm an ass.

Nikki and I decided we're going back to my place with lil' bro, Miguel and friend from Minnesota. Oh god, why do we do the things we do when we are drunk!

I'm gonna just make a long story short. Miguel headed out about an hour later, friend from Minnesota ended up in bed with me and as for lil' bro and Nikki...well, yeah, they made out.

But, this was not before a drunken Todd climbed over my gate and arrived at my apt unannounced. I was in the living room making out with friend from Minnesota (ew...never would've done it sober) and Nikki bursts in (she was out having a smoke) to announce that Todd is there and save my ass from being caught. Todd comes in and we immediately go to my room to talk. He was pisssssssed! We proceeded to have a heated conversation about “us”. I proceeded to weep and beg him to stay the night, which he refused. Then after he left, I had friend from Minnesota “lick my wounds.” Ew again. Why oh why!

Ok, well, we didn't have sex, for the record. We tried, but (thank God) he couldn't get it up from drinking too much. But we fooled around and we woke up on opposite sides of the bed and haven't spoken yet since the incident. I left early to retrieve my car from C's and him and lil' bro have been at the beach all day. I'm not looking forward to when they come home tonight. Awkward...at least he leaves tomorrow.

Alright, so where does that leave Todd and I? Who knows! He's been golfing all day and I have to work later, so I probably won't be seeing him until tomorrow. I'm such an ass and I feel like a fool. I do wish that he had just stayed and slept over, that way I wouldn't have friend from Minnesota on my list now.

I went to coffee this morning with Lacey and told her all about the debauchery that was last night. We discussed my options with Todd. I think I've decided I can't be with him. Our lives just aren't working together. I never have time, he never has time and that's not going to change any time soon. Todd doesn't know I'm feeling this way yet, but I text him today to let him know we need to talk and we're planning for tomorrow, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I might try to see him tonight after work.

It's funny because a man from Lacey's past has all of a sudden resurfaced and wants a second chance and the similarities between him and Todd are unbelievable. And the way Lacey is feeling about her situation is exactly how I'm feeling about mine.

We like these two guys. They're both what you might call, “a great catch”. But we're not “crazy” about them. There's something missing and we both know what it is. They're not fun enough. They're not wild enough. They're not outgoing enough. They're both very “put together”. They are country clubs and we are dive bars. They are business men and we are servers. They are a bit “soft” and Lacey and I have balls. And yet, neither I nor Lacey are quite willing to just walk away. Somethings holding us down. We feel as if we need them for some reason.

I think I may have pinpointed what it is. I said that we don't want to let it go, because although it may not be great, it's good. And in L.A. when you find a guy who wants a relationship, you hold on, because that's rare. So, in a sense we'd both kind of be settling...but still happy, just not overjoyed.

I wanna be overjoyed. I want every inch of my body to crave that other human being. I want to desire that person in my life.

I'm exhausted. Nap time. More stories tomorrow.

No judgment please...

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.

Slumber Party #2

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

I'll be honest with you...

June 13, 2009.

Wow. So, I called Todd last night when I was done with work and he was real sweet on the phone and said he wanted to go out. I told him that I had no set plans and to let me know if he ends up in the valley. He said he was considering a couple bars in the valley and he'd like to see me. Then I said, “I'd like that too.” And he responded, “Then the valley it is!”

We met up at Rocco's, I went with Miguel (believe it or not), Lil' bro, and Nikki. Todd showed up with an entourage as well. We hugged hello and it was a little awkward. We spent the next 30 minutes at opposite ends of the table from one another.

But the night progressed and the alcohol loosened us up a bit. Nikki and I tried to get a dance party going and were joined by a couple of guys. Then Todd and his friend, Aaron, who I adore, joined us. The guys that Nikki and I were talking with challenged us to a dance off and I was just having fun and goofing around, when Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled me away from those guys.

I think he was being a good friend to Todd and cockblocking a bit. I wasn't purposely flirting with those other guys or trying to make Todd jealous. In fact, I wasn't really showing any interest other than dancing, I thought.

Then I glanced over and I saw Todd and his other friend chatting up some girls. I got jealous. Uh-oh. What is this feeling?? Ha. But, I let it slide...

Then Aaron drove us all back to my place where Nikki was spending the night and Todd came in with his friends for one last drink. I went into my disaster of a room for a moment and kind of hid my mess in my closet, just on the off chance, Todd wanted to spend the night...

Todd snuck up on me while I was doing my covert clean up operation. He pushed me (gently, seductively) up against my closet doors (which are full length mirrors) and said, “You know, I don't often get jealous. I'm a very “out of sight, out of mind” guy. What you do when I'm not around, I don't care. But, I was kind of getting jealous tonight.”

I apologized and reassured him it was not my intention to make him jealous. He kissed me and we started making out. It was pretty hot, but then lil bro popped his head in and totally ruined the moment. Ha, oh bro!!

We returned to everyone else in the living room and I was cuddling with Todd on the couch and he asked if I wanted him to sleep over. Of course I did! So after everyone left/went to bed, I climbed in bed with Todd. Made out, got nakey, but stuck to my no sex policy.

It felt different being with him last night. It felt more honest and real and passionate. I liked it a lot.

I feel like this new door of honesty has been opened between us and I hope it never closes, because I'm seeing this whole other side of Todd I never knew existed.

*sigh of relief.

The Mating Game...

May 16, 2009.

What is the deal with guys leaving their socks on during sex? I don't think I'll ever understand this phenomenon.

Last night I went out with the girls and apparently got wasted and apparently made out with a commercial real estate agent at Rocco's and apparently brought him back to my place and apparently gave him the best head of his life (sorry for the bluntness) and apparently had some pretty unspectacular, normal, boring sex.

Old habits die hard, I guess. I just needed to feel in control of a situation and in control I totally was. It was a happy feeling. Well CR Agent was attractive and fun and nice and...35!!!! What is the deal? Ok, to date, that makes four guys in my recent past that have been 34 or older. Why are there so many single above thirty year olds out there that are sleeping around with mid-twenty somethings?? This just isn't fair. I need someone younger. Granted, CRAgent had me fooled, I totally thought he was my age, possibly even younger, because he had a baby face on him. Huh, weird.

I didn't feel guilty this morning when I woke up next to someone that I didn't really care about. I felt comfortable. I felt surprisingly normal. Perhaps because it's what happened so many times last year. But the difference was that the guys from last year I actually knew and knew I would see again. CRAgent has my number and I've got his, but I'm not expecting a phone call anytime soon.

This morning we woke up around 9:30. That's when I noticed the socks. We were still butt naked from the night before and had blankets covering us, but his feet were sticking out from under the covers and all I could think was, “his socks are still on”. He rolled over and cuddled me for a bit. It was nice, but totally unemotional. We fooled around a bit more this morning before he took off. We hugged goodbye and he said I should call him when I'm back in town (I'm home this weekend...away from crazy LA) and we'll go out in Hollywood.

Then he hugged me again and said, “Ugh, I'd kiss you, but I've got dragon breathe...” Then he grabbed my cheeks in the palm of his hands and kissed left then right cheek. What are we European all of a sudden?

It's funny because, yes I was very drunk last night, but I wasn't so drunk that I was blacking out. But I have forgotten bits and pieces of our conversation and today they've been coming in and out of thoughts sparatically. After we had sex I remember asking him, “Do your friends think you're crazy?” (referring to the people he was at the bar with and left behind for me) to which he responded, “Why? For going home with a beautiful girl? Nah!” Good answer.

There was also some conversation about his penis. He was commenting on how small it gets when it's not hard. Agreed, it was rather small. But then miraculously it's not bad when he's turned on. Agreed, it was a decent size. Ha, but why that was part of our conversation? Who knows!

Well, I wrote Seattle an email because I'm pretty sure he'll read this blog and be upset about it. I wanted to tell him about it first, so that he didn't have to find out from the blog. I felt an email was a bit more respectful. He's up on Mt. Rainier this weekend with his best friend and I wouldn't have been able to call him anyway. I also wrote in the email that I don't think we can keep talking at this point in time. It hurts too much. If I can't be with him, then I need to move on. Ugh.

I felt like my email to him was becoming a pile of bullshit, so I unloaded some honesty:

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say with this email. I feel as if I'm trying to be all logical/realistic, positive, blah blah bullshit. When all I really wanna do is scream the top of my lungs how sad I am. I finally found someone worth being with and he's not ready. What a cruel twist of fate.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who will love me, flaws and all. I know for a fact that you are the only man in my life that will ever read my blog and not judge me and still think I'm a great person. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be as honest with someone as I was/am with you. Honesty is all I want out of life and you give that to me completely. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who's gonna stick around for more than a week. I'm scared that I'm boring, I'm scared that I'm not attractive, I'm scared that I have no more chances at real love. I'm scared.

Oh poor pathetic, lost Irene...

Well, I'm seeing lots of people from my past this weekend and will do my best to update and not fall too behind although I will be rather busy. I hope something eye opening happens in the next few days...

A little Catch-up

May 10, 2009

Alright. Time to play a little game of “catch-up”.

Friday Night (May 8th): Went out to Rocco's, this new bar we're trying out, with Nikki and her boy, Lacey, and Zack. We put it in our minds that we were gonna rock any bar we went to that night. So, this we did! Rocco's is a nice Italian looking bar/restaurant that we turned into a straight up club! We started dancing and grooving with no rhythm and bad moves (like white girls do) and were having so much fun, other people couldn't resist but to join in. At one point we had at least 1/3 of the bar dancing with us. It was such a feeling of bliss. My favorite thing about it, was that we brought happiness, enjoyment and freedom to the people (especially the girls) in that bar. We totally made their night. There was no cattiness, no jealousy, no fights, no hate. Just a whole bunch of strangers dancing as they pleased, smiling and laughing the whole time. What have you done lately to bring a smile to a strangers face? (Let's all challenge ourselves to do something to make one other person happy each day.) Anywho, this is why I love my girls. I had such a blast that night, and didn't need to even think about boys, because we were just so involved in having fun. Not trying to impress anyone. Not trying to hook up with anyone. Not trying to be something we're not.

Saturday (May9th): Locked myself out of my house on my way to work. Realized I had locked my car keys and house keys in my apt. Great. Lil' bro spent the night elsewhere, so I had no option but to say, “Fuck it”. Called Lacey, told her my dilemma and even though I was supposed to drive us to the Pier to work at the BBQ Festival that morning, she came and picked me up and we headed down. Ugh. But the festival was a blast!! There were four other people from the other location of C's that were working with us. Two guys were Marines and so much fun to work with! I made it a game for everyone. I said we should make as much (fun) noise as possible, because people notice noise and want to be a part of it, therefore we'd sell more. So every time someone came up to order we would shout out the order real loud and in unison, just for fun. “All Beef.” “ALL BEEF”. It really made the day lots of fun and it flew by.

Venezuelan John stopped by! He was cruising the fest with his friend and he found me! He's so adorable. We chatted for a bit and I hooked 'em up with some beers (shhh!), then we exchanged numbers before they left so that he can let me, Jess and Nikki know if he's doing anything for his b-day. He's only been here for 6mo's, so he's still in that searching for friends phase.

One of the other C's girls and I walked around the fest a bit later to do an “exchange” and get some free food. We approached this one tent and they were quite excited about swapping. One of the chefs who was young and very attractive was talking to us while the others were preparing some food. I gave him a beer that I had brought over as part of the exchange as well. He was very happy with this and asked if he could, “return the favor later?” Then wanted to know what we were doing after work and informed us that he would be down the street at a local pub drinkin' a bit more. Hmmm.

Ended my night at C's with my two managers. Yesterday felt weird with me and Rye, the manager I worked with all day. He hugs me a lot. A lot...and for awhile. Not just quick hugs. And I know he hugs a lot of other people, but I feel like yesterday, it was mainly me. He's married and knows that everyone knows this. But it does not stop him from drooling at other girls that walk by or flirting with customers. It's kind of gross. But most of the men at my restaurant are, so I just brush it off. But last night he wanted me to go get a beer with him back at the restaurant, so I agreed. But, then he suggested we go bar hopping. I told him if he wanted to go when Nikki was off work, sure, but I was going to wait for her. Something just felt a bit odd. I feel like if I had gone out with him, he would've tried to get me to kiss him or something last night. Which is the last thing I'd ever do/want to do. It was strange, but now I know, at least for a while, I don't want to be alone with Rye.

Last night, Nikki and I went to Off Kilt for a drink. We ran into quite a few familiar faces and had a good time. I couldn't help but feel though, as I often do, like a third wheel. At no fault of Nikki's, it's just when we run into someone that likes her, that guy often has blinders on and only sees/talks/listens to Nikki. Last night even, guy in question, went to the bar and bought Nikki a beer, even though she wasn't even halfway through her current one and said she didn't want another. When he came back to our table, he placed it down in front of her and then as if the lights had been turned on, he looks at me with this, “Oh yeah” look on his face and goes, “You good? You want something?”.

No thanks. I don't want a pity beer. I'm better than that.

Walked home and hung out with Lil bro and his friend for a short while then headed to bed. Woke up about an hour later to Seattle's phone call. He had gone out drinking last night with friends and I told him I was expecting a drunk dial. I was happy to wake up to his voice. He told me about his night with the boys at the bar and bowling and all this funness. Then he mentioned these three girls that had approached them at the bar and then gone back to his place with him and his buddies to have a few more beers. He reassured me that they were unattractive and uninteresting. I didn't care. This upset me and I became really quiet. I just didn't like the thought of these girls being at his place. All I could picture was him on his bed with another girl. He lives in a studio and doesn't have a couch, so his bed is really the main place to sit. Yuck. So, I just kept having these really uncomfortable thoughts about this.

Earlier at Off Kilt Nikki had asked me if it bothered me that Seattle was out with his buddies at bars and whatever. I answered honestly, “Not at all. I trust him. He's not the cheating type.” I believe that. I know that. I just got really jealous about these other women being in his place. I hate jealousy. If I could invent something that would zap that word/emotion out of the universe I would do it in a heartbeat.

I acted immature and told Seattle I was really tired, so we hung up. Well, the jealousy/uneasiness was eating me alive from inside out. My stomach felt like it was burning and it spread throughout my entire body, into my limbs and into my fingertips. It consumed me and I knew I couldn't go to sleep feeling like that.

So, I text Seattle and asked if we could talk some more. I explained how I was feeling and told him I was more upset at how it made me feel than what actually happened. I have no right to tell him he can't have people over at his place. He did nothing wrong. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he wanted these people there. In my world, I rarely want to hang out with boys at my place because it just makes me sad and want to be talking/lying around with Seattle. But in his world he's inviting these girls back to his place. I just didn't get it.

He listened and accepted how I was feeling. He's wonderful. We talked it all out. He admitted that he did think the situation was a bit strange and that him and his buddy had already joked about it because these girls were so unattractive and so uninteresting. But I still couldn't help but to think, “Well, what if next time they're beautiful and ever so interesting? What then?”

I don't know. It just bothered me. I get to see him 12 days though! That's nothing! I can't wait. I really need some face time with that boy.

Man, ok this blog I think has set my record for longest ramble. I hate missing multiple days!! So much happens!

Oh yeah, more on the retrograde. It says something about people from your past or unresolved issues arising around this time. Todd keeps trying to get in touch with me and hang out. Ugh. It stinks because I would totally love to be friends with him and be able to just hang out, however, we've never been just friends. So, is it possible? I don't know. But, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, so the next time I see him, if I see him, I guess I'll just have to be completely honest about my situation and what I do and don't want from him.

On to another week full of adventure!!