Exhaustion.

August 23, 2009.


Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion. Moved a bunch of stuff out of the Oaks and into MB yesterday. Came back to the valley, met up with Nikki and Lacey and headed to The Roxy to see a band play. Lacey knows the drummer so we went to support. It was a rather good time!

Then L's drummer invited us all to come hang out at a house party in the Woods. Nikki had an early morning, so we dropped her back in the Oaks and headed back down to Hollywood to attend this party.

We agreed that if it was lame we'd head out quickly. But we also decided we wouldn't allow it to be lame. Or rather, I decided. As soon as we got in the door I chugged a beer. Then as Lacey keeps saying, I was “on fire!” We had groups of boys around us all night long and I just kept 'em laughing. L's Drummer was a lot of fun! I like the idea of her and him. I won't get ahead of myself, but I think they're cute together.

I was just insane last night. I didn't do anything too stupid. Except I ended the night by making out with this rather tall, very shy gentleman. Man was he shy. It's funny how the very first kiss got me thinking, “yeah...not as fun as I'd hoped.”

He was incredibly sweet, a complete gentleman, but I was honestly, just drunk. This is the first guy I've kissed since North and I started locking lips. I didn't like it. I miss North's lips. I don't think I get to see him this weekend. I finally heard from him (but only because I initiated it) and found out that he's been working almost 80 hours nonstop this week. No wonder he's been MIA. Just wish he'd have desired to text or call me on his breaks. No such luck.

I don't know when I'll get to see him again and it makes me rather disappointed. I need to move on, but I don't want to.

Gah!!! Nikki said to me yesterday, “Don't worry girl, it'll happen when you least expect it.” I don't know how I could expect it any less than I do now. I literally feel as if I'm just destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of everyone saying, “It'll happen when you stop looking.” “You'll find the right one when it's your time.” Blah, blah, bite me.

Ever notice that the people saying this are always in a relationship?

Humph. Well, we closed out that house party last night. Lacey and I left at 5:30am with her drummer and we went to get breakfast (best bfast I've had in L.A. at this place called K24...check it out, it's killer!). Then Lacey and I came home as the sun was rising and crashed in my bed until about noon when I had to start getting ready for a rehearsal for class.

So, yeah, I'm pretty exhausted and running on very little fuel right now. My eyes don't want to stay awake, and yet, I'm planning on driving down to MB to drop of a car load of stuff, spend the night and then come back up here tomorrow for a whole 'nother load of stuff.

Moving is ridiculous. I have too much stuff. Wish I knew how to be a minimalist.

I want a boyfriend. Blah!

Welcome Back to College

August 23, 2009.

It's only 9:27am and I just can not wait to blog about last night.

First, what is the deal with people being so damn quiet in L.A.????? When I first moved out here I thought L.A. was going to be like this completely crazy party town, where everyone is wild and drinking and doing drugs and having house parties and pool parties and out until all hours of the night.

This is not the case. Apparently, if you're hanging out on your deck with two girlfriends drinking a glass of wine and laughing at 1am on Friday evening, your neighbors scream out their windows, “PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!”

Well. This is just not gonna fly! So we were feeling good last night after our wine and we decided to venture down the street. In our p.j.'s and Nikki and Lacey decided to go sans shoes. Not even five minutes goes by and we meet someone.

His name is Bert. He lives a couple blocks down. He has four single roommates. He invited us to come back to his place...oh yeah and we were carrying around the Dong Bong (have I mentioned that in early posts, man, I hope so!). So, it being our first night in Manhattan Beach and all, we decided to go make some friends.

If you've never been, basically Manhattan Beach is like one big college dorm with the brainy obnoxious neighbors that are trying to get sleep because like fools they signed up for the saturday classes also.

We walked the short four blocks and entered Bert's place and were introduced to his 4 “single” roomies. One by one. We met one outside. He was a goofball and may be the most fun of them all. Then we met one who was chillin' on the couch...he's a bit socially awkward. Then Goofball gave us a tour of the place and we met Beans, who was asleep, so Lacey jumped on him to get him up. Then a few minutes later the last one emerged from the basement, along with a girl, who seemed too comfortable with him for him to seem “single”.

We stayed and all took coors light out the Dong Bong....yes, everyone did. All the boys seemed a bit more excited about it than the girls. It was pretty awesome. We apparently made such a ruckus that the cops were called on us. What is the deal California?!?!?!?!?!?!? But the cops were chill and just told us to “close the windows”, just like they did when they showed up at my place. So weird.

We stayed for a bit longer and the thing I loved, absolutely loved about this scenario, was that the guys weren't obnoxious and trying to get in our pants. They were literally just hanging out with us. Oh my goodness...is it possible to have a guy friend in Manhattan Beach? It just might be! Psyched would be what I'm feeling right now.

After quite the fun evening, we realized it was 3am and we had abandoned our apartment leaving the door unlocked and candles burning(yes we failed safety class), so we decided to head out. But we didn't get very far before Nikki and Lacey both decided they had to pee and couldn't wait 4 blocks. They crouched in front of our new friends apartment and did their thing. Just then Goofball appeared and shouted, “I saw that!” And Nikki and Lacey took off running down the street, dropping the mug Nikki was carrying and smashing it all over the middle of the street.

Turns out all Goofball wanted was someone's number so that he could call us tonight and invite to come over to party with them again. Awesome. We made friends our first night in the dorms, er, I mean, in Manhattan Beach!

It's gonna be one wild and crazy year! I can smell it! We're in trouble.

* * *

Well, back in the real world, aka the Valley, I'm gonna do some packing today and possibly some more driving because, surprise, surprise another friend of mine who I know from back East is visiting Covina. I think it's like a 45 minute drive east. Ugh. So sick of driving, but I guess August is just a month for me to reconnect with people from my past. I'm gonna go have lunch with him, come home and pack up my car, then get ready for another crazy evening with the girls. Tonight we're doin' up Hollywood. Man, oh man.

Updates tomorrow!

Weight Matters...

August 17, 2009.

Wow, so I'm terribly boring on the man front these days!

Haven't heard from North today, but I wanted to give it some breathing room. I feel like I've been texting him a lot lately and I definitely don't want him to ever feel overwhelmed. I'm still dying to kiss him though! Argh!

Drummer text me tonight, wanting to hang out. I'm kind of relieved that he lives in Thousand Oaks and not closer, because if he did live closer, I would more likely accept his invites to hang out and we'd probably be kissing and doing more than I feel we should be doing at his point in time. I feel great about not having been with a single guy in any way since North. It's an awesome feeling, even if he doesn't know it, I like knowing it.

Went on a hike with Lacey this morning, and we're gonna get up and be adventurous again tomorrow morn. Then, she wants to start the “Master Cleanse”, I think it's also called “The Lemonade Diet”. I want to do it with her, but I'm somewhat nervous because, excuse my French, I don't want to be caught in the middle of work and have to shit my brains out or be hanging out with a boy and have to run to the bathroom five times in a row...

Oh cleanses, why are Americans so obsessed? Do other countries use cleanses as much as we do? I wonder. Probably not, because most often American's do it to lose weight and people from other countries are always naturally thinner and don't have to worry about obesity as much. Man. To not have to ever worry about your weight, how wonderful! Think how much time we would all gain if weight was never an issue!

Sometimes I wish I didn't want to be an actress because really, I'm only concerned with how thin I am when I think about how I look on camera. Bah! Whatev's I'm determined to make it as an actress whether I'm thin or entirely huge! I'm in it for the talent and not the looks....Take that Hollywood!

Updates Mañana!

Hasta Luego! (I'm learning Spanish...trying to put it to good use!)

Over the Valley...and through the B.S.

July 28, 2009.

Shouldn't have done it. I text Todd. It was 10:30pm and I was missing him. Text him to see if he was still awake. He responded that he was about to put down the book he was reading and head to bed. Not the response I wanted. Then asked when he was going to get to see me, to which I responded, “Was hoping tonight, but I guess not. Prolly not for a week.”

I have a friend visiting for the rest of the week, so I wasn't exaggerating and we may be taking a road trip to San Fran for a couple of days, so I really probably won't get to see Todd for a week.

Now, any sane person that had feelings for or was hoping to start a relationship with or wanted to show some form of emotion for someone else would have taken this opportunity to say, “That's not ok. I'm gonna come over now.” or “I can't wait that long. Come see me tonight!”

Well, then, Todd is not a sane person that has feelings for me or is hoping to start a relationship with me or wants to show me some form of emotion. He responded, “I feel like I'm being punished.”

I feel like I'm being punished. Well, so do I. I feel like the world is punishing me by handing me man after man that is void of showing me affection. Man after man that is void of wanting to be with me. Man after man that oggles my best friend and pretty much ignores the fact that I exist or have a personality too. Yes, world, I feel like I'm being punished.

I guess that's it for me and Todd. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not willing to sit around week after week in hopes of seeing him at least once and that one meeting just being mediocre. I am not ok with this. Todd, it's been fun. Better luck next time.

I did see Adain tonight, for the first time since that unforgettable evening back in February with Liam. Adain got back into town the other day and text me, so I suggested that we meet up at C's for dinner and catch up. He almost didn't come, but I think I made him feel guilty, which was not my intention at all. He came, we chatted, it was kind of weird.

Another man from my past called me tonight, Mack. I can't believe this, but he has not been in any of my blog posts this year! That is a shocker to me. He was a rather interesting part of my life last year. I won't go into detail, but I've known him almost as long as I've lived here now and long story short, he was in love with me and tried to date me last year the same time Tony came into my life. Tony won, but ever since Mack has been on a mission to get me drunk and sleep with me again. Yuck. Anywho, he called tonight and if I wasn't feeling lonely, I never would have answered. But I did and I offered to get together for a drink next week after my friend leaves town. Um...yeah it was a moment of desperation.

In other news: went to Laurel Tavern with Nikki and Mike tonight after work. 'E' from Entourage was there. He is in fact as adorable in person as he is on the show. I made no attempt to introduce myself. Mike introduced me to his director/writer friend, this arrogant son of bitch from Britain. Did I mention, I hate Hollywood?

Directors type? Funny you should ask, it's so original: young 20-something women. How old is Director? Oh, well, let me tell you! He's clearly in his late 40's. Did I mention I hate Men?

Gross. I can't wait to leave the valley and prove to Hollywood you don't have to suck dick to become successful. Can Not Wait!!!!

So Much Testosterone!

May 29, 2009.

2:42am.

Well, you could say the night didn't go well or you could say it went great. Depends on your perspective, I suppose. Just got ready for bed and still sweating from a night full of dancing with gay men and some extremely hot not so gay men.

We went to Arena in Hollywood, a gay club with go go dancers and hot bartenders and all the hip hop music you could wish for. We danced our butts off and managed to attract the attention of all the straight, very very sexy go go dancers. When they finished their shift they joined us on the dance floor. It was a yummy yummy time. I exchanged number with one of them, and go figure, he's leaving in a few weeks because he's in the Navy. WTF?! I'm so over the navy. It can bite me.

Well, I had made plans with Todd earlier to meet up after our separate nights out and he had said he was going to crash at my place. Great. I was actually excited. However, here I sit. At my place. Completely alone. And again...why does this shock or surprise me in the slightest? This is Todd we're talking about.

Grrrrrrr!!!! I'm so tired of him being such a flake. I mean he may have a very valid excuse this time and every time, but, if we're just going to continue to make plans then have them not happen, I'm over it. I really wanna just pass out right now, I'm soo tired, but I keep thinking, “Well, what if he calls in like 5 minutes?”

Irene...I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, he's not gonna call. Get over it.

Ok. I'm over it and I'm going to bed.

Goodnight!

The Mating Game...

May 16, 2009.

What is the deal with guys leaving their socks on during sex? I don't think I'll ever understand this phenomenon.

Last night I went out with the girls and apparently got wasted and apparently made out with a commercial real estate agent at Rocco's and apparently brought him back to my place and apparently gave him the best head of his life (sorry for the bluntness) and apparently had some pretty unspectacular, normal, boring sex.

Old habits die hard, I guess. I just needed to feel in control of a situation and in control I totally was. It was a happy feeling. Well CR Agent was attractive and fun and nice and...35!!!! What is the deal? Ok, to date, that makes four guys in my recent past that have been 34 or older. Why are there so many single above thirty year olds out there that are sleeping around with mid-twenty somethings?? This just isn't fair. I need someone younger. Granted, CRAgent had me fooled, I totally thought he was my age, possibly even younger, because he had a baby face on him. Huh, weird.

I didn't feel guilty this morning when I woke up next to someone that I didn't really care about. I felt comfortable. I felt surprisingly normal. Perhaps because it's what happened so many times last year. But the difference was that the guys from last year I actually knew and knew I would see again. CRAgent has my number and I've got his, but I'm not expecting a phone call anytime soon.

This morning we woke up around 9:30. That's when I noticed the socks. We were still butt naked from the night before and had blankets covering us, but his feet were sticking out from under the covers and all I could think was, “his socks are still on”. He rolled over and cuddled me for a bit. It was nice, but totally unemotional. We fooled around a bit more this morning before he took off. We hugged goodbye and he said I should call him when I'm back in town (I'm home this weekend...away from crazy LA) and we'll go out in Hollywood.

Then he hugged me again and said, “Ugh, I'd kiss you, but I've got dragon breathe...” Then he grabbed my cheeks in the palm of his hands and kissed left then right cheek. What are we European all of a sudden?

It's funny because, yes I was very drunk last night, but I wasn't so drunk that I was blacking out. But I have forgotten bits and pieces of our conversation and today they've been coming in and out of thoughts sparatically. After we had sex I remember asking him, “Do your friends think you're crazy?” (referring to the people he was at the bar with and left behind for me) to which he responded, “Why? For going home with a beautiful girl? Nah!” Good answer.

There was also some conversation about his penis. He was commenting on how small it gets when it's not hard. Agreed, it was rather small. But then miraculously it's not bad when he's turned on. Agreed, it was a decent size. Ha, but why that was part of our conversation? Who knows!

Well, I wrote Seattle an email because I'm pretty sure he'll read this blog and be upset about it. I wanted to tell him about it first, so that he didn't have to find out from the blog. I felt an email was a bit more respectful. He's up on Mt. Rainier this weekend with his best friend and I wouldn't have been able to call him anyway. I also wrote in the email that I don't think we can keep talking at this point in time. It hurts too much. If I can't be with him, then I need to move on. Ugh.

I felt like my email to him was becoming a pile of bullshit, so I unloaded some honesty:

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say with this email. I feel as if I'm trying to be all logical/realistic, positive, blah blah bullshit. When all I really wanna do is scream the top of my lungs how sad I am. I finally found someone worth being with and he's not ready. What a cruel twist of fate.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who will love me, flaws and all. I know for a fact that you are the only man in my life that will ever read my blog and not judge me and still think I'm a great person. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be as honest with someone as I was/am with you. Honesty is all I want out of life and you give that to me completely. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who's gonna stick around for more than a week. I'm scared that I'm boring, I'm scared that I'm not attractive, I'm scared that I have no more chances at real love. I'm scared.

Oh poor pathetic, lost Irene...

Well, I'm seeing lots of people from my past this weekend and will do my best to update and not fall too behind although I will be rather busy. I hope something eye opening happens in the next few days...

Age Appropriate = Awkwardness?

March 4, 2009.

Oh man. Let’s see. Went out for coffee with Sasha, who I haven’t seen in almost a year now. We met last January when we were in a play in Hollywood together. We were also both new to this city. I’ve been trying to get better at meeting up with people and rekindling old relationships. So we had a nice chat about how we’re both still single due to the fact that every guy we meet in L.A. is an asshole.

I kept thinking about Ray the whole time we were having our girl talk and was tempted to call him on my way back home and stop over and see him for a bit. But, I am trying to practice self-restraint in many ways. So, I did not.

However, after I got home, got ready for bed and was almost asleep I received a text saying, “You were on my mind all day today. If u are up right now, id come over for a cuddle and kiss. x” That was Ray. So I text him back and told him that I had thought about visiting him earlier in the night. He asked if he could come over for 5 min and I told him, no, I was already in bed. I’m still nervous about spending intimate time with him. I just don’t know.

Told my sister about him, which is sort of a big step, because I don’t like to tell her about just every guy; that seems stupid. Her advice about the age difference was to just not let it bother me. Ok…easier said than done.

Today, I did audience work…ugh, gag me with a spoon. But after the fifth show they taped, I was seated next to a cute guy and we struck up a conversation. He was kind of shy and I liked that. We didn’t even introduce ourselves, just chatted. When we were leaving we passed eachother and smiled and waved and cordially said, “Nice to meet you!” Even though, we never really did meet, now did we?

He was much more age appropriate for me, but I couldn’t help but picture a first date between us and how awkward the entire night would be. Even if we did end up hitting it off and wanted to pursue eachother further, it would start awkwardly.

I wonder if it’s because of Ray’s age that it isn’t awkward with him. He’s just so whole and complete within himself that nothing feels contrived or forced and everything just moves along super smooth and naturally. Hmm. I like that.

He’s supposed to come out with Lee, Miguel and me on Friday to see “The Watchmen”. I’m excited to go out, just not sure if or when I’ll be able to transition our relationship into something more personal and intimate. It’s weird.

Saddle me up!

February 11, 2009.

Alright. I have to first start off by saying we met A.J. from the Backstreet Boys last night. That’s right. Welcome to Hollywood.

I wish I could say the entire evening was just as wonderful, but it was not. It just verified all my thoughts that L.A. men are douchholes. We started the night at wing night with Miguel, Lee, Ryan and Pete, then we did some drinking at our apt. before heading to Saddle Ranch in Hollywood. We were planning on meeting up with Sean and Agent.

Also, earlier that evening Liam had text me. Apparently, I drunk text him the previous night and said, “Ok…come play. Or I’m over it.” He didn’t respond until about 5pm yesterday. So, he said he’d hang out last night. Then he text me around 9 30pm saying he’d gotten free tickets to see Dane Cook, would I be up late? I said, yeah, but I wasn’t sure where I’d be.

Well, when Agent said that he’d be at Saddle Ranch in Hollywood, I thought that was perfect because Dane Cook plays at the Laugh Factory, which is right down the street. So I shot Liam a text letting him know we were there. We met up with Sean and Agent, had a couple of drinks. Wandered the bar because I didn’t really want to spend the whole night flirting with Agent and give him the wrong idea.

At one point, Miguel and Lee, Lindsay and I were outside on the smoker’s patio. This group of guys next to us started chatting up Lee, so I intervened and pretended to be her wife. The one guy looks at me and says, “Well, you’re not so bad yourself…” Ew. Even if I was a lesbian and that was my wife, he assumes we’d be up for something with him? Dream on. Then another of his friends approached and put his arm around Lee and I stepped in and said, “Hey, hey, hey, hands off.” And I think it freaked him out a little and he backed off and just kept saying, “Yo, I’m sorry dude. Bro, I’m married, too. Don’t freak out dude.” Apparently since I’m a lesbo, I am no longer a woman either, I’m a ‘dude’ and a ‘bro’. I couldn’t believe how naïve and stupid they were being. The epitome of L.A. guys. So we decided it would be a better idea to head back inside to avoid further confrontation. I’m not even gay and I’m so offended by how those guys treated us last night. Absolutely no respect.

Anywho, 1 15am rolled around and still no word from Liam. I shot him a text asking what time he’d be out. No response. Agent and Sean were acting way creepy so we had been avoiding them and were trying to leave before we even had to say goodbye. I received a text from Liam around 1 30am saying he’d just gotten out. I called him ten minutes after the text and he didn’t answer. We were hoping he’d be our ride home…Lindsay tried calling him also and got no answer, but left a message. We left the bar completely avoiding good-byes with Agent and Sean and hopped in a cab.

Agent text me after that, saying, “Where’d you guys go?” And Lindsay and I were literally the last people out the door of Saddle Ranch, so I said, “What the fuck do you mean? We were the last people to leave, you guys were already gone.” Then he tried calling me later, but I didn’t answer. I don’t really want anything to do with him.

Now it’s 11am and no word from Liam, even after repeated texts and phone calls. Like I said, over it. I’m gonna delete his number so that I don’t ever accidentally drunk text him again. Over it. Where are all the good guys??????

Oy Vay

January 23, 2009

The Band came, gave me a heart attack, and left. The first night they were here was fun/terrifying. They arrived around midnight and we played a drinking game. One of them made it clear that he was after my heart…I thought it was sweet, but felt not much chemistry.

Then they went out to have a smoke and ended up having a very loud heart to heart outside, which I couldn’t help but fear would wake my neighbors. I lay awake, panicking and listening for someone to walk outside and tell them to “shut the fuck up!” But no one ever did. They were outside until 6 am.

One of them (the cutest in my opinion) had come in a little earlier to use the bathroom and had informed me that when they came in “one of us is going to cuddle you.” I hoped it would be him, but knew it was going to be the one who kept flirting earlier. I’d settle for that.

So, they all came in and claimed their sleeping spaces and to my surprise, no one cuddled. But, I was relieved. That would’ve been awkward. Plus, they’re band guys and the way they were all talking about women was extremely degrading and I felt like, “I don’t want to be one of those girls.”

The next day they left in the afternoon and I was going to meet them later at the show, but decided I really couldn’t spend the gas money (it was an hour and half away) and I was planning on seeing them tonight anyhow, in Hollywood.

They didn’t get back until 2am after their show in Bakersfield. I was anxious to go to sleep because I was picking up our friend from the airport the next morning. After a long series of text flirting with band member #1, they arrived back at my apt. Most of them went straight to sleep (thank God!) but two of them stayed up with me and watched movies. Finally, they were all gone except me and BM#1. We decided, what the heck, let’s cuddle.

It was awkward. And that was that. I absolutely did not kiss him, did not try to get him in any sort of mood and absolutely did not have sex with him.

What I learned: band guys are fun to flirt with but not good choices for boyfriends; I like being single; I miss Tony.

Tony called this evening. He called me last weekend, because he wanted to hang out. I invited him out to Pineapple. Apparently, his phone died and he didn’t get the message till the next day. He called me back and left a message. I made it a point not to call him back. Last year I was always too quick to return his phone calls, so I’m gonna play it a little harder to get. So, this week I’ve just been a little too busy with houseguests to have time to call him. He called tonight. He misses me. I could tell he wanted to hang out, and I really wanted to hang out with him as well, but Lindsay, our friend from college, is staying with us and this is her first night here, so it would’ve been rude to leave. I told him if he wants to have dinner at all next week, he should give me a call. I think he will. I’m glad we can be cordial. I still like his company.

And hey, next week is the last week of January and I’ll be happy to announce that I’ve gone a month without getting laid! That’s a pretty big thing for me. I feel good, emotionally and physically. I feel a little bit cleaner and little bit stronger. Hazzah!

My Apology

January 15, 2009.

I apologize. I've missed two days of blogging and I swore to never do that! I've been unusually busy this past week (Thank God!) with work. And, it's been interesting! I worked on tuesday as audience and only spoke with girls. No men allowed! It was short and sweet, 4 to 6pm. Decided to go to wing night even though my roomies weren't going. Dressed for comfort, not for style. Lupe, one of my fave waiters there, greeted me at the door. We chatted and caught up on life a bit. He asked if I had a boyfriend (he's married), and I said, "Nope, still no boyfriend." And he said, "You're too cute to not have a boyfriend!" But then agreed that here in L.A. all they want is sex and no committment.

Nikki's boyfriend was hanging out at the bar, so we chatted a bit. He's british and has quite the crude sense of humour. I feel like I'm just "one of the guys" when I'm talking with him. Which is good, because I would never want Nikki to think I was flirting with him, but it's also bad, because he has no sensor. And I can get a little offended.

Sam was there...Haven't seen him since my oh-so-drunken night. I was kind of embarrassed to see him. We've talked since then, but I've been avoiding seeing him, though he's tried multiple times to hang out. I just feel awkward about some things that were said. I was stupid. Well, he was getting on my nerves, because he was teasing me and I just wasn't in the mood to be teased, even flirtatiously. I think he got the hint and didn't stay very long. He left me alone with my salad.

I went home and tried to go to bed as early as possible so I could get up in time for my 6am call on wednesday, which was in Ontario, CA. Which, is an hour drive from me. So, I think I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. But, I got to work on time and in a good mood. I realized, I really do love my job.

Within 30min of being there I met Muhamed. He was very cute and very outgoing. We chatted while in line for wardrobe. Then he got pulled out of line to replace an actor that didn't show up, and we pretty much didn't see eachother for the remaining 13 hours on set. I was sort of okay with that, because I didn't want the awkward ending of the day, where he asks for my number and I have to explain I'm not dating, blah blah blah. That seems rather presumptious of me to think he's "naturally" going to ask for my number, but it happens a LOT on set. And I'm sure it happens to most girls, not just me. But it happens. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day avoiding talking to the guys on set. There were about 30 extras and only 8 of us women. It was a military scene. So major testosterone overload. I managed to chat with some of the ladies who were very fun. Then at the end of the night, the men started to get frisky.

One of them told me that there's no way I won't get recalled for this show because I'm so beautiful. Another one started a conversation with me about acting and told me that I was very attractive and perfect for acting. Then when we finally wrapped, my car battery was dead, so I had to get a jump. I approached three of the men in the parking lot and they all had cables. Then the one who had told me I was beautiful before, goes, "Wait, wait, wait! What does the guy get who jumps your car? Does he get to take you out on a date?" And I said, "No, he gets a very enthusiastic 'Thank you'"." Ughhghgkkk!!! Why are guys so pathetic? Then...I was trying to find the exit from the parking lot and I pulled over to a security guy and asked him if I was going the right way and he proceeds to tell me that he wishes I could stay there all night with him and I'm so pretty and "Do you have a boyfriend?"

What?? Are you really asking me if I have a boyfriend right now, sir?? So, I lied and said, "Yeah, I do!" Oh my goodness. First of all. I had been there for 14 hours. I looked like shit. I had fake sunburn make up all over my face. I was exhausted and it was dark. There's no way he could tell if I was attractive or not. He was just plain horny. Gross. I hate men.

However, I did learn that I really can't live without them. On my way home, I stopped off at Ralph's to get some wine. I wanted to get drunk. I took five minutes to go in and out of the store and when I came out, my car would not start, yet again. I walked home and told my roomies, but neither of them have jumpers so my car was stranded. I called Tony. He came to my rescue. He drove to my apt, picked me up, took me over to Ralphs, found someone to jump my car for me and followed me to autozone where I parked my car overnight so I could fix it in the morning. I really appreciate him. However, he was very condescending the entire time and kept undermining me. It made me feel really bad. And on the way back to my apt, I started crying.

Its times like these that I realize just how alone I really am. No one to hug and hold me and tell me everything is ok and reassure me that I'm not stupid and that I'm a capable woman and everything will work out. I have Tony who will help me with the physical things, but not the emotional. It's frusterating.

Bottom line is, and I'm sure I'll come to this conclusion more often then not, that I want a boyfriend. Someone to depend on. Someone I can call at all hours of the night and he'll be there for me. Someone to fall asleep next to.

Someday, I suppose. I have work all night tonight. But for now, I'm off to the park to work out. I'll update soon!

Wine and Dine and Everything's fine!

January 9, 2009.

Ran. Ran errands. Drank wine. I desperately want to go out tonight, but once again, have no one to go out with! Like I said, I was supposed to go to the Edison with Sam, but he text me about an hour ago, letting me know that he’ll be working all night, so he’s unable to go. Boo…I didn’t really want to travel all the way to Downtown L.A., but it was a possibility of being social.

Checked guys out today…just kept noticing them everywhere I went. “Ooh, he’s adorable!” Think I’m anxious for some lovin’.

I want to go out in a group tonight. No pressure there. You can just all hang out and have a good time and it’s not like anyone’s looking to hook up with anyone else in the group (or at least not making it obvious).

I have a total crush on one of my roommate’s friends. He’s hot, in a band and from Boston. We hung out one night (like two months ago) and just totally hit it off (or at least I hit it off with him). But he’s getting over some serious relationship stuff, as am I. I made a point of it not to exchange numbers with him when we hung out. He’s Nate’s friend and I didn’t want it to become the dating game between us. But, I haven’t stopped liking him since that night and I wish now that I had his number because I want a drinking buddy…that he is very good for. Him and his roommate would be the ideal guys to hang out with tonight. I NEED FRIENDS!

Is it super weird for me to go to a bar by myself tonight? I always think, “It’s not weird if there’s a band” or live music of some kind. Because then you have a reason for being there and something to do rather than stare at your drink, wishing it could talk.

Hmm…I need to create a singles bar. Where you’re only allowed to go if you are going out alone. I’m talking even no girlfriends are allowed to accompany you. If you’re a single person and need a place to go on a night when all your friends are working or no one’s interested in being social. Come to “SinglesOnly”! The only bar where absolutely no one knows eachother! Or would that just turn out to be super creepy?

Ok, I’m writing with two glasses of plum wine in me…so I may not be making total sense, but I’m having a hell of a time doing it!

So here are my single woman options tonight:

A. Get drunk at home…most likely by myself since my roommates are lamo’s
B. Go to a bar by myself…risk obnoxious conversation from a guy I’m totally not interested, but potentially gain a lot of info for this blog.
C. Call one of the many guys I’ve slept with, but am currently on “friends without benefits” plan with right now. Risk having an awkward convo about why we’re not having sex tonight.
D. Go out with Tony. Have him watch while I drink. (He’s 2 yrs sober)
E. Go to sleep now at 7pm and dream about having a social life.

Great goodness my life is pathetic! But! I’m still having…THE BEST YEAR EVER!


Just got home from sort of doing option D. and before that I sort of did option E. So it’s been a pretty good night. I fell asleep after blogging earlier. Wine makes me sleepy…when I woke up, Tony actually called me. Haven’t seen him since the 1st and have been trying not to be the one that calls him, again. So, I was happy to hear from him. He asked me to join him at his favorite sushi place in Hollywood. We actually were there about the same time last January together. We went out the night after we met, hung out with his best friend, he kept saying, “Doesn’t she look like a mini Kate Hudson?” and we sat at a table next to Jack Osbourne, Cody something, some lead singer in a band and Malcolm in the Middle. (As you can see, I’m terrible with names). But last year I was totally star struck, it being barely my third month in town.

Well, to be nostalgic tonight we ran into Cody. Tony knows him (I think from AA). And go figure, Cody was at the same table with Jack Osbourne and that same musician. I think they have a tradition. Perhaps Tony and I do too. How strange that we would go out at the same time each year!

We had sushi, it was delicious, and Tony actually picked up the check. It’s been awhile because he’s been unemployed, so I don’t blame him. I completely understand. It was nice. He’s got a new job and I told him all the exciting stuff that’s been going on with my career. He’s also an actor, I don’t know if I mentioned that. Then we headed back to his place. I informed him, however, that I would not be sleeping over. And after we started cuddling he started trying to get me in the mood, which honestly, I always am with him and I don’t know why I haven’t shaken it yet. But I informed him we would not be having sex and all of my clothes remained on. I know…way to go, slut! Ha, ok maybe I’m being harsh on myself, but you know, baby steps.

I realized the thing with Tony is that I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He can be a really great friend to have around. But he gives so little of himself. And I don’t think it’s that he’s selfish, I think it’s that he’s been hurt in the past and chooses to shut people out and barely let them in so that it doesn’t happen again. I just wish his nice, sweet side would come out more often! It’s so rare.

One time last year we were laying together in the buff and he was holding me close and he said, “Breathe with me”. He wanted me to sync our breathing patterns. I don’t know, I thought it was pretty romantic. I think he was trying so hard to connect with another human being he felt as if the only way to truly do it was to share one breath.

I hate that I know he’s in there, but will probably never live to see the day that nice sweet compassionate Tony comes out!