Unequal Relations...

May 19, 2009.
In the car on the way to the airport my sister and I were discussing how in most relationships someone tends to love the other person more than that person loves them. It can never really be equal. Is this true? Is there no equality in relationships, ever? She admitted that she feels its true in her relationship. I won't say which way.

It makes me think about my past relationships and wonder who was I in those cases? I feel like in all cases I tend to be the one that loves less. Not on purpose, maybe I just subconsciously play it safe or perhaps I'm scared to let myself love more. Could be...

Walking to my terminal I couldn't help but think about what a fuck up I've been about the whole Seattle thing. I was not a graceful loser and now I have regrets. I have regrets because I feel as though I've blown out of the water any possible chance the two of us may have had in the future at reuniting. Now, I'm just that crazy b*tch who slept around right after and refused to be friends.

Ok, so that's an exaggeration on how it feels to be me right now. I thought about online dating again last night. Lacey does it. She uses some of the free websites and goes on lots of dates and leaves her options open. Lately she's gone on a few really great dates with the same guy. I still wonder though, does online dating really work?

My mom just told me a story about her best friend who's never had any luck in love. Most recently, she had been dating a guy for about three months, who she found online. He seemed great, talked about plans for them in the future, etc. Then, she found something he posted on craigslist. He was posing as a married man looking for a threesome and posting as a guy offering his services to married women who's “husbands just aren't cutting it.” Eww. Gross. And how does one hide all this information from the person they're most intimate with? How scary is that? And how's she supposed to trust anyone again?

I don't know, I still don't really like the idea of finding people online. They always come off better then they actually are. I should just post a craigslist ad for this blog with the note: “If what you read is a real turn-on and you still think I'm a decent person after all that honesty, then give me a call!”

I just want someone who makes me happy. Who makes me laugh. Who holds me when I cry. Who knows how to relax and have fun. Who's spontaneous and romantic and not afraid to do something a little wild that we can't really afford, but what the heck? We're young!

Ugh. Where is he already?

Online Love Match??

March 11, 2009.

Well, so this is an interesting development. I was searching craigslists for any possible way to make money and I came across a job for Freelance Writers and I love writing, obviously, so I responded to the ad. Now, with craigslist, you just never know what you’ll get. An incredible opportunity, a huge scam or no response whatsoever. Well, I got scammed. However, I didn’t realize it was a scam until a little too late.

Here’s how the scam went. Saw the ad offering jobs to freelance writers, $0.10/word, make your own schedule just be disciplined. I can do that! I already do! So when I sent them my response as well as a link to this blog to show them how and what I write, I got a response saying they need me to sign up at eharmony.com and then write a review of the website. After receiving the review, they’ll let me know their decision in 7 days. So, I went ahead and took about a ½ hour out of my life and signed up…only for the free parts of course. Well…they got me. They just wanted more traffic to eharmony.com. Those sneaky brats!

However, today I check my email and have 15 new matches! Out of curiosity (of course) I decide to check ‘em out. So, I do, I end up reading about 5 profiles and seeing two that I really, genuinely like. So, I shoot them a quick little “ice breaker”, because after all this part of it is still all free. Well, I’ve gotten some response to my icebreakers and now I’m just sitting her curious, wondering, “Can a love match really be found over the Internet?” I kind of want to find out.

I’ve always thought people who look for love on the Internet are…ok, I’ll just say it, Losers. They are socially awkward, weird, and have no friends/life in which to meet people in the real world. But after living a whole year and ½ in LA and not finding any decent relationship material, I have to wonder if the World Wide Web is the way to go if you do in fact want something meaningful in this city of ‘angels’. So, here’s my question: What should I do? Should I go for it and then share the funny story to my grandkids someday about how the craigslist scam helped me find true love? Or should I stick to cynicism and the chance that my love match is out and about and it’s only a matter of time until I meet him. I really don’t want to spend the money on a website that could potentially just lead to further frustration. I can just get frustrated at a bar for basically free! What’s a girl to do?

Another thing is, I signed up with a fake name, so even if I do start chatting with these guys, it’s under false pretense and when’s a good time to tell them I lied? And then have to explain why I lied. Oy, this is getting much more complicated by the minute. Not to mention the fact that if we did happen to hit it off and had long term potential, I would absolutely HATE telling people we met online. I think I would force him to make up a story about how we met and stick to it. Always.

Why does meeting online have such a bad stigma attached to it? At least for me? It’s so strange. My mom actually attempted it when her and my father had called it quits. She met two guys. A rich, handsome man that lived an hour away and was quite charming. And a gross Guido (no offense) with a white trash family that lived in the worst part of town. She chose the Guido out of convenience. I prayed to God that he would never be my step-dad and thank God, he’s not.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like the idea. She’s now happily remarried to a man from her past, who she knew when she was highschool. So, the Internet didn’t do much good for her there. Hmm…I’m definitely gonna take a few days before I make a real decision, but I am having difficulty deciding.

Another development in my life. I moved the ring back to my right hand when I was on set the other day for the music video and forgot to move it back to the left. It’s been there now since Saturday and I think I might leave it. I’m confident enough now in myself that I’m making better decisions and judgments and don't so much need the ring to protect me. I can protect myself without having to lie and make up some story about a future wedding. I feel better.