Someday my Prince will come.

August 29, 2009.

First day in Disneyworld! It was splendid! It was just as magical as I remember it being the last time I was here which was when I was in highschool (almost ten years ago now...wow!).

To top off an amazing day, in the morning, right when we arrived we were spotted by a Disney employee who invited us to lead the afternoon parade! He saw us all wearing mickey ears with our names on them and knew we had the Disney spirit in us. I think my face hurt from smiling so much!

We rode in the very first car in the parade along with a couple from Puerto Rico who were there celebrating a birthday. Our only requirements were to smile and wave like the world depended on it. It wasn't hard to do. My mom was hysterically laughing for the first five minutes in disbelief. It was definitely an awesome experience that's pretty rare.

I was smiling and waving my heart out when I caught eyes with a boy (and when I say boy, I mean guy about my own age...25) in the crowd. I don't know why he stood out, but he was staring back at me. We only go about 2mph along the parade route, so we had a good long time to stare. I could feel myself blushing, but couldn't look away. Huh.

So, we finished the parade and went on with our day. It was so much fun and I love my family to death. For some reason it's hard for me to express my feelings of joy to them. Sometime ago I decided in my head that it wasn't ok for me to tell them I love them or miss them or am having the time of my life with them...I think it has to do with my fathers death, but that's a whole long story for a whole other time.

Anywho, I love them, I miss them and I'm having the time of my life with them!

We decided to make Toontown one of our last stops before the end of the night parade. We were traversing through Mickey Mouse's house when I turned around and saw the boy from the parade standing across from me. We locked eyes. I quickly looked away again and blushed. We kept walking, I turned back to look and we locked eyes again. Then we heard the train coming that was to take us back to Main Street, so we rushed over and got on it.

Ok, I know this is silliness, but my heart literally skipped when I saw that boy again. I mean, I thought it had fallen out of my chest for a moment. It was probably just a normal human reaction to a surprise filled moment, but I don't know. Disneyworld is full of magic...

Who knows if I'll see him again, because this could've been his last day here. But, I sort of feel like if I see him again, I have to introduce myself or something. I mean, what would be the chances...

It's funny though, because if I were with my girls from Cali, it would be a whole 'nother story. Flirting with guys in front of the fam....hmmm. Not sure how to go about that.

I'll just leave it up to fate. If it's meant to be, a moment that is too perfect to plan for will present itself. For now, I'm off to dream of Prince Charmings and shooting stars!

Wallowing Away...

May 18, 2009.

Not in the greatest of moods today. Ignored most everyone that called to hang out. I know, I was being selfish and wallowing in self pity.

Basically, the other day when I got my biopsy results the doctor recommended surgery. Not only does the idea of surgery scare the hell out of me, but I can't afford it and am completely uninsured (being an actress and all). Thirdly, the thought of having incisions made in my cervix makes the thought of sex disgusting. I fear that after the procedure is done, I'll be out of work for at least a week, incredibly sore, hating life and having no one around to hug me and bring me books to read or movies to watch or to tell me I'm still sexy or give me kisses each night.

It never really hits you how lonely you are until you really need someone in your life that understands how scared you are. My girlfriends are absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. My best friend from Boston even told me that if/when I get this done she would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Well, anyway, the reason this was in the forefront of my mind today in particular is because my mom was researching health insurance for me today. As of three days ago, we hadn't even thought about surgery really being a possibility. We thought the doctor I went to might be a little knife happy and I told him I wanted a second opinion. I have yet to get a second opinion, but my aunt's a nurse and she told my mom I should just “do it.” Easier said than done Auntie.

Ugh. I just want to call and cry to someone about this right now and there's no one.

Today was Seattle's first day at his summer internship. I really wanted to shoot him a text or call him to see how it was going/went. But I refrained. I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now.

My H.S. Sweetheart text me around 8pm, Eastern time and I didn't respond until 11pm. I was just feeling mopey. It's a shame too, because I have no idea the next time I'll be home again or the next time I'll get a chance to see him. And just because I'm stubborn, I blew this opportunity to reconnect.

I also ran into a blast from the past today. Russ, one of my best friends in H.S. I have not seen him in years and every time I've come home in the past year or so, I just get the same old story from people telling me that “he's not doing so well”. But, I can never get a hold of him or reach him, so I just wait for news each time I come home.

Well, there he stood, flesh and blood in front of me and I gave him the most meaningful hug I've given anyone in the past year, I think. Apparently, he's moving to Japan. In a month. That may have been the last time I see him.

Huh. This has been the strangest trip home I've ever had, I think. I've run into more people from my past then I usually do on a normal Holiday. I wonder why that is. Now I'm feeling really guilty that I didn't spend time with HS sweetheart.

I'm ready to go back to LA tomorrow. I love my friends and family back home, but things seem...well, they seem a little less complicated and more real; I think I need my drama and distractions.

"Push/Pull"

May 17, 2009.

Feeling a bit sad today. Had a good day, but at the end of it...who do I have to call or share it with? Just the wonderfully affectionate kitty on my lap.

Spent the day at the Lilac Festival with my family. Love them. Got to finally meet my cousins boy. He's sweet. So typically her type. They've been dating for over a year now and this was the first time I've met him. It's interesting because I never saw them in their “puppy love” stage, so I wonder how this version compares. They're not incredibly affectionate, but you can tell there's a lot of love there. It's nice.

Spent way too little time with my friend Ike. We talked about relationship stuff. We're both in the same boat right now. We so badly want something “consistent”. The flings and one night stands...not a challenge. Finding someone who see's through your bullshit and sticks around? Im-f-ing-possible. He's currently spending some time with a girl we went to high school with. He had a crush on her back in the day (I don't remember this), but he recently re-met her and they've been hanging out. I remember her being way sweet, but a little quiet and boring. Not who I'd picture him with. But, I suppose she's the perfect “settling down” type.

Then there's my friend A.E. He's been my friend since 8th grade. Went through an “I'm in love with you” phase with me (nothing ever happened) and then just basically became like a part of my family. He's great and rarely has a girl in his life. I don't feel bad for him though, because he's one of the happiest people I know. Genuine, caring and overall wonderful. He doesn't need a girl, but I know he'd sure appreciate one.

It's just always such an interesting mix of relations when I come home. I'd love to have a guy around long enough to experience it all.

Was planning on seeing my high school sweetheart tonight. Made plans to go out for a drink with him and some other friends. He apparently had some trouble at the home front...roommate issues and couldn't leave until they were resolved. Maybe we'll hang tomorrow. It sure would be nice. I miss his friendship.

Seattle text me on his way home from Mt. Rainier. He hadn't read the email yet. I felt terrible. I told him I was taking a nap and he should check his email when he gets home. He did. Not really sure how it went over. He shot me a text after, but it was fairly neutral. He agreed on the not talking part though. Which now makes me even more sad and all I wanna do is call him and talk about it.

Tony accused me once of being great at the “push and pull”. Now, I've never thought of myself as a manipulative person, but perhaps I was doing something subconsciously to make sure that Tony never left for good. I would get mad, leave, say I'm never speaking to him again, then a month later be lying in his bed, laughing my head off and making dinner plans for the following evening. It's just as much his fault as it is mine though, right? He could've easily said, “No, I don't want you coming over.” But, I suppose he's a man and that would going against all of “man code”. Anywho, my whole point to this ramble is that I don't want Seattle to ever think I'm doing the “push and pull” with him. I really really really really wanna call and talk to him right now. But I'm positive it will just end in tears and him being wonderfully accepting of my flaws and it'll just hurt all the more that I can't have him. I just have a need to know what he's thinking.

It's not really fair, because he gets my full out honest opinions and thoughts in this blog and I have to sit and wonder what's going on in his head. And, I suppose, maybe I'm being a little manipulative right now because I'm assuming that he'll read this and possibly call because of how frustrated I seem. But, Seattle, don't call because I want you to. Call because you have something important to say...or don't call because you know it's the right thing to do.

Ugh! I'll tell you one thing for certain, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell a boy I like about this blog again. Even drunkenly. Even if he just happens upon it one day. I'll deny every word. I just don't think it can lead to any good.

One more day at home then flying back to LA. I was actually getting a little anxious today to be back. I just like my life there a lot and feel like I miss out on a bunch of opportunities by being home. One more day...then back to the madness.

Isn't the Same

May 15, 2009.

Hung out with Todd. Just wasn't Seattle. I long for him.

I had fun with Todd and his little pug, but I just don't think there's much chemistry there. It makes me wonder if there ever really was or if it was just the alcohol and my neediness at the time we met. There's just this huge wall up with him. I want to ask him so many questions, why he is the way he is, why he's so scared of commitment, why he wants to start hanging out again after all this time, what he really feels for me, why he treated me the way he did last year...so many questions piling up on top of eachother, but I can't seem to even get one out.

I feel as if the moment has passed and now it will just be awkward to have that conversation with him. I suppose the next time we drink together we shall encounter such questions.

I was rather proud of myself though that I didn't sleep over. I didn't want to. It would've been forced and unnatural. He offered for me to sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, but that's just silly when I haven't had a drop to drink and I can just drive home.

I do think it's sweet of him though, that even though we slept together last year, he's not assuming that each time we hang out we'll be jumping into bed together.

It's so strange to me. If he didn't have his little pug there, I don't know what our conversations would consist of. He's such an ice breaker and an easy distraction from having real conversation. It's a little creepy though. Pug was curled up with me the whole time we watched a movie tonight. At one moment Todd made a joke about how Pug was hogging me. Ha ha. Then he kept commenting on how much Pug missed me. Did he really? Or is that Todd's way of saying he missed me?

Then when he was walking me out to my car I gave him a hug goodnight and thanked him for dinner and a movie and I said, “Bye Pug!” and Todd goes, “No, no, you have to hug him too!” I started to protest (by habit I guess, I don't even know why) but then just leaned over and in a baby voice cooed at Pug and kissed him goodbye. Then I realized how weird that “demand” was.

Todd is a puzzle to me. We didn't even have a goodnight kiss. I was relieved though. All I could think about was Seattle and how much I'd rather be spending time with him and how weird it is to hang out with Todd but talk lovey on the phone to Seattle. I can only have feelings, strong feelings for one guy at a time. And right now, that's Seattle.

Well, preview of this weekend: Heard from Venezuelan John tonight, he wants to hang tomorrow/today...don't know if I'll have time, but I do want to hang out with him sometime soon.

I'm going back home this weekend and shot a text to my high school sweetheart asking if he wants to do drinks either sunday or monday night. He said, “Totally. I'm free both nights.” Wonder if a drunken kiss from him would be the same as when we were 16 and in love...hmmm, if only I could have that again for one day.

So, lots of fun stuff coming up. Updates soon!

One of Those Girls

May 7, 2009

Ok this is hilarious! Seattle stumbled across this...I don't know how, but he emailed it to me. This is a video response to the “Jizz in My Pants” video, if you haven't seen that one go to youtube and watch it! But, this one is about wearing a fake engagement ring to ward off loser guys! Hilarious.






It makes me wonder how many women actually buy these things! I mean, the only reason I thought of it was because I have my moms old engagement ring, so it is a real ring and I've always worn in on my right hand, so it was simple enough to do the transfer. But, when I began wearing it, I did get the response from some guys, “Are you one of those girls?” Who are those girls? And where are they? How come I've never noticed them? And do guys do this too???

Now I'm gonna wonder the next time a guy hits on me and is wearing a ring. Is he really a douchebag husband trying to get some on the side? Or is he just trying to get away from unwanted attention. Ha! Who am I kidding? Guys love any and all attention! That's the last thing they would do!

Now, that brings up an interesting experiment of its own. What if a guy were to wear a fake wedding ring for a year and see how many women he could get interested in him? I bet he'd find it a lot easier to pick up women with the ring than without. It's a symbol of stability and reliability, ironically enough and as soon as women see that, they want it! Man, we suck!

In other news: if you're a single lady in LA, I now know where you can go to meet some men. But you have to be willing to sweat a little bit for it! Went on our usual hike today in Burbank, with Jess and Lacey. Man it was brutal! On the way up though we passed three guys that were heading back down. They were about our age, fairly attractive and apparently athletic. We got to the top and hung out for a short while and on our way down we stopped to take a pic and lucky for us there were three more guys that had just reached the top, so they took a pic for us. Again, about our age, fairly attractive and firemen, nonetheless. So that solves it! Where are all the good looking, presumably nice guys in LA? They're all on a hike! We joked on our way back down about what a great story that would make, “Oh we met one day on a mountain!”

Jess goes, “Irene, you and Seattle have a nice story!”

“Yeah, we met one night at Big Wang's...”, how romantic! I don't mind it though...it had a romantic follow-up.

Oh yeah! And in other even stranger news. When you think this world is big, stop to consider this: Seattle knows a girl that I was friends with in High School. Whaaaaaa???? How random is that? She apparently goes to law school with him. It just blows my mind. I haven't seen or talked to her since HS but we were pretty close back then. It is a small world after all! (15 days...)

Is there a pattern here?

March 25, 2009.

First night in quite a few nights that I’m home, and don’t have to rush around preparing things for the next day and jump right into bed. It’s super nice. And I’m still living alone…super, super nice. I’m finding myself more and more satisfied with life these days. Everything seems to be falling into place and daily I’ll let out a sigh of contentment. I hope that 2009 is proving to be like that for most people.

Had a meeting with a potential roommate today. He was very cool and we seemed to get along right away. What struck me as funny is he kept complaining about his current roommate being so “unmotivated” and he can’t stand being around unmotivated people because it makes him feel unproductive and annoyed. How ironic…sounds like someone I know. I reassured him that I’m extremely motivated and the most positive person he’ll find. He’s calling me tomorrow to let me know if he’s moving in or not. His roommate is waiting to hear about a job and if it falls through, he’s moving back to Minnesota and I gain a roommate, but if it works out, they’ll probably stay together. Eek, I’ve never wished for someone to not get a job, but hey, I could really use a roommate. But, you know, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be!

Seattle called me today. I had briefly talked to him last night when I was out with friends, because I had been dying to call him all-day and just honestly had no moments alone. But, we went out for drinks and dinner and I snuck away to chat while we waited for our food to arrive. I had to cut the convo short, and I really hated doing it, so I told him to give me a call these next three days, since I’ll be relatively available. So he did. Yay! He was procrastinating doing schoolwork and I was preparing my house for a potential roomie and very glad for the distraction.

He told me last night that he feels incredibly bad reading my blog. Which I can understand, because it is almost as if he were reading my diary. And who knows, there may be things that come along that he doesn’t want to read. But, I’m all about honesty and if something happens that may not be appealing, then we move on. Better than denying things or hiding things.

I really want to see him again. We joked about him visiting James sometime soon and “squeezing me in” or me coming up that way in a few weekends. Not gonna lie, I really want to. I told him that usually when I want something, it’s rare that I let reality get in the way. For example, my second boyfriend, Tom, when I met him, I was visiting friends in Illinois and cancelled my flight back home so I could spend an extra day with him. Now this wasn’t realistic because it cost me cancellation fees and a bus ticket back home, but it was worth it to me. And hey, we dated for a year (which is long for me).

I used to say in High School, “I have to see a future before I see a beginning.” Meaning, I’m not going to start dating someone unless I can see a real future in it. And I stuck with that motto, turned down every invitation until Drew and we dated for three years. It worked pretty well. I think I need to start that motto back up. I really wouldn’t be so into Seattle if I didn’t think there was something there. It’s real easy for me to move on and get over guys very quickly, because there’s usually no real emotion between us. Especially when they’re far away. Why bother? But there’s something there.

Like Will. Sure we got to spend time together last summer, but I couldn’t help but think about him even though he was off living life in Florida and here I am in LA. There was something there. But oddly enough, I had this strange feeling when he was off in Australia this past Feb. that he met someone, or something changed. I called him when he was supposedly back in the states to catch up and find out how Australia was, plus we had discussed him potentially coming to visit. I got his voicemail, left a message and haven’t heard from him since. That was March 4th. So, I think my intuitions were right. But that gave me the freedom I needed to feel free to look around. Before I was kind of closed off because I was holding onto hope.

I just realized that I have a pattern I never knew about and I wonder if it’s healthy or if it’s in fact a “safety” thing I do. I held onto hope that “the ex” would come visit, fall back in love with me and be mine for the rest of eternity. I knew this wouldn’t happen, but I continued to hope. I held onto hope that Will would come visit, realize we were meant to be together and decided to finally move to LA like he thinks about every so often. I knew this was unrealistic because his whole life is in Florida, he’s got no reason to leave, but I continued to hope. Now, I’m hoping that Seattle and I hit it off and somehow, even though he lives way up north and I live way down south, there’s a potentially bright future.

Am I insane? Do I always need someone just out of reach to care for me so that I can remain independent yet loved? So that I can retain my single lifestyle but at the same time not have to pursue strange men in LA? Do I need someone that’s a possibility so that when I’m fully ready for commitment I can work my magic and make them come to me? What’s my damage?

I really don’t think Seattle’s just a distraction I’ve set up for myself. But it does make me wonder…I can’t believe the last three men I really cared about have been from far off places and yet I always think there’s a possibility even though I’m so stubborn I would never be the one to change locale.

However, maybe that’s just all hogwash and it’s really a statement about how there are no dateable/relationship men in this crazy town. I have to look elsewhere to find the good ones and just pray that they’ll eventually be close enough to spend time with. Ugh, I hate this place! Ha, but it’s necessary I be here.

Seattle is very different then the guys I’ve dated in the past. I tend to date very artistic, emotional guys. Seattle is very book smart and is very logically minded. Maybe I need someone that’s the complete opposite of all my fuck-ups. Hey, it worked for my sister. She went from “metro-sexual” to “manly man”.

Alright, I have way too much on my mind and need to stop writing this instant! Lots of free time tomorrow, hopefully it’ll be spent all by myself!

Online Love Match??

March 11, 2009.

Well, so this is an interesting development. I was searching craigslists for any possible way to make money and I came across a job for Freelance Writers and I love writing, obviously, so I responded to the ad. Now, with craigslist, you just never know what you’ll get. An incredible opportunity, a huge scam or no response whatsoever. Well, I got scammed. However, I didn’t realize it was a scam until a little too late.

Here’s how the scam went. Saw the ad offering jobs to freelance writers, $0.10/word, make your own schedule just be disciplined. I can do that! I already do! So when I sent them my response as well as a link to this blog to show them how and what I write, I got a response saying they need me to sign up at eharmony.com and then write a review of the website. After receiving the review, they’ll let me know their decision in 7 days. So, I went ahead and took about a ½ hour out of my life and signed up…only for the free parts of course. Well…they got me. They just wanted more traffic to eharmony.com. Those sneaky brats!

However, today I check my email and have 15 new matches! Out of curiosity (of course) I decide to check ‘em out. So, I do, I end up reading about 5 profiles and seeing two that I really, genuinely like. So, I shoot them a quick little “ice breaker”, because after all this part of it is still all free. Well, I’ve gotten some response to my icebreakers and now I’m just sitting her curious, wondering, “Can a love match really be found over the Internet?” I kind of want to find out.

I’ve always thought people who look for love on the Internet are…ok, I’ll just say it, Losers. They are socially awkward, weird, and have no friends/life in which to meet people in the real world. But after living a whole year and ½ in LA and not finding any decent relationship material, I have to wonder if the World Wide Web is the way to go if you do in fact want something meaningful in this city of ‘angels’. So, here’s my question: What should I do? Should I go for it and then share the funny story to my grandkids someday about how the craigslist scam helped me find true love? Or should I stick to cynicism and the chance that my love match is out and about and it’s only a matter of time until I meet him. I really don’t want to spend the money on a website that could potentially just lead to further frustration. I can just get frustrated at a bar for basically free! What’s a girl to do?

Another thing is, I signed up with a fake name, so even if I do start chatting with these guys, it’s under false pretense and when’s a good time to tell them I lied? And then have to explain why I lied. Oy, this is getting much more complicated by the minute. Not to mention the fact that if we did happen to hit it off and had long term potential, I would absolutely HATE telling people we met online. I think I would force him to make up a story about how we met and stick to it. Always.

Why does meeting online have such a bad stigma attached to it? At least for me? It’s so strange. My mom actually attempted it when her and my father had called it quits. She met two guys. A rich, handsome man that lived an hour away and was quite charming. And a gross Guido (no offense) with a white trash family that lived in the worst part of town. She chose the Guido out of convenience. I prayed to God that he would never be my step-dad and thank God, he’s not.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like the idea. She’s now happily remarried to a man from her past, who she knew when she was highschool. So, the Internet didn’t do much good for her there. Hmm…I’m definitely gonna take a few days before I make a real decision, but I am having difficulty deciding.

Another development in my life. I moved the ring back to my right hand when I was on set the other day for the music video and forgot to move it back to the left. It’s been there now since Saturday and I think I might leave it. I’m confident enough now in myself that I’m making better decisions and judgments and don't so much need the ring to protect me. I can protect myself without having to lie and make up some story about a future wedding. I feel better.

All the good ones really are taken...what's up with that?

February 25, 2009.

Not much to report. Just a query: Why are all the adorable, seemingly normal guys already married? Why are only the weird, awkward, unattractive inside and out guys left? It's really not fair. Just because I didn't want to get married when I was 19to my high school sweatheart means I get whatever's left over? Totally not fair.

Ray has officially stopped talking to me. I think Adain was a little shocked that I didn't pick him up from the airport yesterday...Guys are over it, I think. Will gets back into the states in another five days. Can't wait! I can't stop thinking about him and every time I do, I can't stop smiling...I think that's a good sign.

Pete text me today asking if I would accompany him to a party in March at his dad's best friend's place in the hills. He wants my company so he won't be "bored out of his mind". I told him i'd go. I'm all for an adventure! I told him we should make up a story that we just got engaged and I'm already two months preggers. I think he likes the idea...I don't know if I can actually go through with it, but it sure would be humorous.

Let's see...anything else to report? Hmmm...drawing a blank. Think I may attempt a short lived trip to the beach tomorrow if I get out early enough from work. It would be nice to take a jog by the ocean again. It's great. Updates tomorrow!

How Old is too Old?

February 15, 2009.

So I’ve had Ray on the brain all day and haven’t stopped smiling. How old is too old? And should we put a limit on age for relationships? I was also thinking today, that if I ever dated Ray, for reals, would I flip out on my 30th if we were still together and go through a mini crisis about him looking at younger girls? (He’d be 44 at that time btw…yikes!) I feel like then the age difference doesn’t seem so grand. A 30yr old woman dating a 44-yr. old man. Not so bad, right?

Ugh, well, I haven’t much to report on the man front today, since I spent 90% of my day in bed…just for fun and 10% at improv, where we all know the men are mostly engaged or taken. Ray did text me this morning and wants to hang out on Friday for his birthday. I didn’t respond yet, and he called and left me a message saying the same thing. I’m trying to not be so anxious and screw up anything by being too anxious too soon.

Um, this week shall be interesting my friend Mark is flying in from NY. We’ve been BF since highschool and he’s coming to cali for family reasons, but I’m picking him up from the airport tomorrow bright and early, then have to be back up here for an Improv show. Then I have a few gigs lined up this week. I am going to make $400 this week. Yes I am. So, I will most likely be busy. Then Friday is Ray, Lindsay’s and our friend Crazy’s birthday. I kind of already know what I want to get Ray, but I’m not sure I should buy him anything, just yet.

We shall see. Updates Manana.