Age Appropriate = Awkwardness?

March 4, 2009.

Oh man. Let’s see. Went out for coffee with Sasha, who I haven’t seen in almost a year now. We met last January when we were in a play in Hollywood together. We were also both new to this city. I’ve been trying to get better at meeting up with people and rekindling old relationships. So we had a nice chat about how we’re both still single due to the fact that every guy we meet in L.A. is an asshole.

I kept thinking about Ray the whole time we were having our girl talk and was tempted to call him on my way back home and stop over and see him for a bit. But, I am trying to practice self-restraint in many ways. So, I did not.

However, after I got home, got ready for bed and was almost asleep I received a text saying, “You were on my mind all day today. If u are up right now, id come over for a cuddle and kiss. x” That was Ray. So I text him back and told him that I had thought about visiting him earlier in the night. He asked if he could come over for 5 min and I told him, no, I was already in bed. I’m still nervous about spending intimate time with him. I just don’t know.

Told my sister about him, which is sort of a big step, because I don’t like to tell her about just every guy; that seems stupid. Her advice about the age difference was to just not let it bother me. Ok…easier said than done.

Today, I did audience work…ugh, gag me with a spoon. But after the fifth show they taped, I was seated next to a cute guy and we struck up a conversation. He was kind of shy and I liked that. We didn’t even introduce ourselves, just chatted. When we were leaving we passed eachother and smiled and waved and cordially said, “Nice to meet you!” Even though, we never really did meet, now did we?

He was much more age appropriate for me, but I couldn’t help but picture a first date between us and how awkward the entire night would be. Even if we did end up hitting it off and wanted to pursue eachother further, it would start awkwardly.

I wonder if it’s because of Ray’s age that it isn’t awkward with him. He’s just so whole and complete within himself that nothing feels contrived or forced and everything just moves along super smooth and naturally. Hmm. I like that.

He’s supposed to come out with Lee, Miguel and me on Friday to see “The Watchmen”. I’m excited to go out, just not sure if or when I’ll be able to transition our relationship into something more personal and intimate. It’s weird.

Career or Relationship? Who can decide?

February 17, 2009.

Another day, another night alone. Haha, I sound so pathetic. However, I wish every night were in fact spent alone. I want to live by myself!!!! Wish I could afford to! Anywho, not much on the horizon from today.

Was a stand in for a new Nickelodeon game show. Met the “Pick man” (I honestly have no idea who that is since I didn’t have cable as a kid) but he was the host and is apparently from New York, and if the ring is not also a device he uses to ward off women, then he is married. So that’s all the action I got today! Woohoo!

So lame. When did my life become so lame? I was sitting there, working today and just kept thinking about how pathetic my life could seem to the untamed eye. However, when I think about it in full detail, I live a pretty freaking cool life. Here I am, playing an 11yr old girl on a Nick game show and getting paid for it and I’m single as all get out; no attachments or expectations to or from anyone. First time in a while that that has happened. It feels good.

My cousin called me today. Turns out her boyfriend (of just over a year now) has announced that he is making the move to Australia to finish his studies. She’s extremely upset (understandably so). And I found myself telling her, “Now’s the time in our lives where we kind of have to choose wisely between a relationship and career...” Which is more important? But I’ve never wondered that. I’ve always known my career was more important to me. Not that my relationships weren’t important, just at my age, I’d rather nourish my acting than nourish a future husband.

I still don’t even know if I can ever picture myself becoming a wife. Eww. Sounds gross and all sorts of male dominationy (is that a word?)

Just think about how much this year I’ve already fucked up. Tony and Sam are completely out of my life (and to be honest I haven’t missed either one, much at all). Liam is a not so distant memory. Haven’t heard from him since the ‘Baked Potatoe’ last Thursday, nearly a week ago now. Don’t plan on hearing from him again. And I guess I shouldn’t say that “I fucked up”, so much as they fucked up. It’s amazing how many men in two months can screw up. Doesn’t take ‘em long, does it? Or maybe my patience with it is just wearing thin. I no longer let their little screw-ups go unnoticed or unpunished. And if that is in fact the case, Hoorah for me! I’m proud of myself for being so strong.

Well, I’m avoiding Wing night…I need space away from the roomies. Can’t they move out already????? But Miguel and Lee are joining me here and then staying to hang out when Margaret and Nate get back. We shall see, I’m taking two weeks off alcohol of all kinds, so it’s getting harder and harder to deal with things (ha, and it’s only been two days.)

Meep (love you cb and rs - - shout out to my two fave ladies).

Back from a short hiatus...

January 31, 2009

So, I’m a terrible person for not keeping this current and up to date this past week. I’ve been super busy with Lindsay and work. But, lots of random things have definitely been happenin’. Let’s see, met my soul mate in a forty-year-old Australian mans body. Hung out with Liam, who confessed his attraction to me. Confronted my roommates about their weird judgements about my dating life and made some awesome connections.

I was on set for a commercial and I met Ray. He’s from Melbourne and absolutely adorable. He’s one of the most positive and optimistic people I’ve ever met. We spent most of the day talking about our astrological signs and our animal signs. I’m a rat and he’s a dog…apparently we’d make great lovers. That’s just what they say. We exchanged emails and we’re gonna catch a movie sometime soon. He’s just overall a great guy and I think he’s going to be a great connection in the biz.

Hung out with Liam twice this past week. Lindsay and I went out on Wednesday night to a local dive bar and met up with Liam and his roomie. We drank a bit, danced a bit and Liam told me that he likes me and had inquired after the first night we met about my stats. And my roommate Nate had apparently told him that “She’s not into guys.” So, Liam thought I might be gay. I told him that I’m definitely not and that I do like him also. But we kept it completely friendly and didn’t even end the night with a kiss. We did make plans for the next evening though.

Again, Lindsay, Liam and roomie and their other friend Craig came out and we bar hopped in Hollywood. I was DD, so I was not drinking. At one point we were at Beauty Bar and Liam pulled me onto the dance floor with him. He was absolutely adorable dancing his cares away. However, the night ended kind of strangely. Lindsay and Craig hit it off and were hot and heavy, which made Liam’s roommate unhappy and in turn pissed off Liam. I tried my damnedest to cheer him up, but no go. So, in turn I got frustrated.

Now things are just kind of awkward. I haven’t text or talked to him in two days and am gonna try to go at least one more day without contact. I want to give him a bit of space to figure out what he wants from me because right now I think we both feel strange about what’s been happening with my roommates. God, why is everyone so pathetic? Ugh.

Last night, I slept over at Tony’s. He called me upset and wanted me to come over to cheer him up/sleep with him. He didn’t say it like that, but, come on…he’s a guy. So, I did my job of cheering him up. We made out a little. We cuddled, he tried to get frisky, and I refused him. It felt really, really good to say “No.” But, I spent the night and got up this morning, kissed him on the forehead and said goodbye. His phone is turned off, so I’m unable to call him. I wanted to find out how he was feeling today, but couldn’t.

Let’s see…today is the last day of January 2009 and I’ve successfully made it the whole month being single and celibate. Let’s see how February goes. Gotta get up bright and early for work tomorrow, so I’m off to bed. Here’s to a new month!

Going to Hawaii

January 20, 2009.

I’ve been invited to go to Hawaii. Sounds great, yes? Roundtrip for $400. What? Craziness. And he’s offering to pay for me. No, this is not a joke. My friend Steve, whom I know from my catering job last summer, was in town tonight for his birthday. He invited me to join him and some friends out at ‘The Room’ in Hollywood. I got Miguel and Lee to join me. They’re awesome, I’m super excited that they’re up for hanging out as much as I’m up for going out!

Anywho, we met Steve and co. there around 10:30pm. It was a pretty cool place. Steve was updating me on his life; we’ve only kept in touch through occasional text messages, so we had lots to catch up on. He mentioned that he’s going to Hawaii in February and looking for someone to go with him. He said he’s been before and it was no fun because he doesn’t like doing nothing by himself.

Now here in lies my dilemma. Steve’s really fun and really cool. I could totally spend a week in Hawaii with him. But, don’t guys only invite girls on vacation that they want to fuck? Excuse my French. Steve and I have never been more than friends. We’ve never kissed, never really flirted that much, and just been super cool with one another. But seriously…is he only inviting me to get laid? How do I tell him that I’d love to go, but am in no position to be sleeping with anyone and am definitely not looking for a relationship? Wouldn’t that put a damper on the whole week? I think so.

Plus, it’s Hawaii. Gorgeous sunsets, amazing beaches, palm trees galore, hula dancers, pina coladas, and so many more romantic things combined with a major consumption of those gloriously fruity cocktails would definitely make Irene in the mood for some lovin’. Attraction or not, those things would definitely make me open to suggestion. So, I guess the bottom line is, I’m not going to Hawaii. I’d love to. But, I can’t.

To top this crazy week off, I’ve got a band that’s going to be staying here tomorrow night and possibly Thursday night, unbeknownst to my roommates. We’ll see how that plays out! A house full of boys and guitars…mmm, I think I’ve always dreamed of that. 

Goodnight.

Definitions

January 5, 2009

I looked up the definition of "abstinent" today :

abstinent \AB-stuh-nuhnt\, adjective:abstaining, especially from self-indulgence

Now the sentences they use to better describe the word are always pertaining to sex, however, the definition says nothing about sex. How strange that our society just automatically associates being self-indulgent with having sex.

Total side note...I went to dictionary.com to look up a few definitions and I just realized, I didn't actually look up "abstinent", it was on the first page of the site as the "Word of the Day". How crazy coincidental is that? It's a sign...I totally believe in signs.

So what exactly is self-indulgence?

self-in⋅dul⋅gent [self-in-duhl-juhnt, self-] adjective - 1. indulging one's own desires, passions, whims, etc., esp. without restraint.

Hmm...have I done that in the past year? Yup, way too many times. This is something I definitely need to work on. This will be a good test of my will power and self restraint.

I've spent approximately 5 hours in the coffee shop today, well ok, maybe it's really only been 3, but it feel like 5 and my eyes are getting blurry from staring at the computer screen. Tonight, I sense will be another "old maid" evening which consists of me sitting in front of the t.v. knitting, while my lovey dovey roommates cuddle across the room. Gross. I need a social life, without men, without roommates.

Tomorrow night Nikki has decided that she'd like to reschedule our rendezvous so that we can join some of (my ex) her current coworkers out at Porn Star Karaoke night. Sounds like an exhilarting time. We've all decided to make it even more fun and dress like porn stars for the evening...should make for an interesting blog. I've never flirted with a porn star before! I have a feeling it won't be hard to practice restraint in such a situation.