It Could Always Be Worse

April 8, 2009.

6:21pm. Just got back from a day of random shooting. Humph. I think my next blog shall be about my acting life. Perhaps I should begin it now. I’ve got some pretty good stories up my sleeve!

Anywho, haven’t heard from/spoken to Seattle yet today. Not surprisingly, he’s got school all day and is a busy man. I always just get kind of paranoid when we go a whole day without a text or something. I know…I’m just being silly.

My step-dad today got on the phone and asked, “So what’s in Seattle?” It begins…I feel like it’s ending even before it gets a chance to begin. I explained to my mom and step-dad our frustrations about not living near one another. It could always be worse. Mom reassures that flights are getting cheaper and S. Dad pipes in that we’ll be getting lots of air miles on our United Visa. Then they brought up my cousin whose boyfriend is moving to Australia for 3 yrs. Ok, so it definitely could be worse!

I so badly want to call Todd today and take him up on his offer of dinner and a movie, but I know I really shouldn’t. It’s not that I even really want to start anything with him, it’s just that he’s here and I’m still lonely.

Think tonight will be a lazy movie watching evening…we shall see. Adventure often calls at random times!

Missin’ Seattle bad…

Is there a pattern here?

March 25, 2009.

First night in quite a few nights that I’m home, and don’t have to rush around preparing things for the next day and jump right into bed. It’s super nice. And I’m still living alone…super, super nice. I’m finding myself more and more satisfied with life these days. Everything seems to be falling into place and daily I’ll let out a sigh of contentment. I hope that 2009 is proving to be like that for most people.

Had a meeting with a potential roommate today. He was very cool and we seemed to get along right away. What struck me as funny is he kept complaining about his current roommate being so “unmotivated” and he can’t stand being around unmotivated people because it makes him feel unproductive and annoyed. How ironic…sounds like someone I know. I reassured him that I’m extremely motivated and the most positive person he’ll find. He’s calling me tomorrow to let me know if he’s moving in or not. His roommate is waiting to hear about a job and if it falls through, he’s moving back to Minnesota and I gain a roommate, but if it works out, they’ll probably stay together. Eek, I’ve never wished for someone to not get a job, but hey, I could really use a roommate. But, you know, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be!

Seattle called me today. I had briefly talked to him last night when I was out with friends, because I had been dying to call him all-day and just honestly had no moments alone. But, we went out for drinks and dinner and I snuck away to chat while we waited for our food to arrive. I had to cut the convo short, and I really hated doing it, so I told him to give me a call these next three days, since I’ll be relatively available. So he did. Yay! He was procrastinating doing schoolwork and I was preparing my house for a potential roomie and very glad for the distraction.

He told me last night that he feels incredibly bad reading my blog. Which I can understand, because it is almost as if he were reading my diary. And who knows, there may be things that come along that he doesn’t want to read. But, I’m all about honesty and if something happens that may not be appealing, then we move on. Better than denying things or hiding things.

I really want to see him again. We joked about him visiting James sometime soon and “squeezing me in” or me coming up that way in a few weekends. Not gonna lie, I really want to. I told him that usually when I want something, it’s rare that I let reality get in the way. For example, my second boyfriend, Tom, when I met him, I was visiting friends in Illinois and cancelled my flight back home so I could spend an extra day with him. Now this wasn’t realistic because it cost me cancellation fees and a bus ticket back home, but it was worth it to me. And hey, we dated for a year (which is long for me).

I used to say in High School, “I have to see a future before I see a beginning.” Meaning, I’m not going to start dating someone unless I can see a real future in it. And I stuck with that motto, turned down every invitation until Drew and we dated for three years. It worked pretty well. I think I need to start that motto back up. I really wouldn’t be so into Seattle if I didn’t think there was something there. It’s real easy for me to move on and get over guys very quickly, because there’s usually no real emotion between us. Especially when they’re far away. Why bother? But there’s something there.

Like Will. Sure we got to spend time together last summer, but I couldn’t help but think about him even though he was off living life in Florida and here I am in LA. There was something there. But oddly enough, I had this strange feeling when he was off in Australia this past Feb. that he met someone, or something changed. I called him when he was supposedly back in the states to catch up and find out how Australia was, plus we had discussed him potentially coming to visit. I got his voicemail, left a message and haven’t heard from him since. That was March 4th. So, I think my intuitions were right. But that gave me the freedom I needed to feel free to look around. Before I was kind of closed off because I was holding onto hope.

I just realized that I have a pattern I never knew about and I wonder if it’s healthy or if it’s in fact a “safety” thing I do. I held onto hope that “the ex” would come visit, fall back in love with me and be mine for the rest of eternity. I knew this wouldn’t happen, but I continued to hope. I held onto hope that Will would come visit, realize we were meant to be together and decided to finally move to LA like he thinks about every so often. I knew this was unrealistic because his whole life is in Florida, he’s got no reason to leave, but I continued to hope. Now, I’m hoping that Seattle and I hit it off and somehow, even though he lives way up north and I live way down south, there’s a potentially bright future.

Am I insane? Do I always need someone just out of reach to care for me so that I can remain independent yet loved? So that I can retain my single lifestyle but at the same time not have to pursue strange men in LA? Do I need someone that’s a possibility so that when I’m fully ready for commitment I can work my magic and make them come to me? What’s my damage?

I really don’t think Seattle’s just a distraction I’ve set up for myself. But it does make me wonder…I can’t believe the last three men I really cared about have been from far off places and yet I always think there’s a possibility even though I’m so stubborn I would never be the one to change locale.

However, maybe that’s just all hogwash and it’s really a statement about how there are no dateable/relationship men in this crazy town. I have to look elsewhere to find the good ones and just pray that they’ll eventually be close enough to spend time with. Ugh, I hate this place! Ha, but it’s necessary I be here.

Seattle is very different then the guys I’ve dated in the past. I tend to date very artistic, emotional guys. Seattle is very book smart and is very logically minded. Maybe I need someone that’s the complete opposite of all my fuck-ups. Hey, it worked for my sister. She went from “metro-sexual” to “manly man”.

Alright, I have way too much on my mind and need to stop writing this instant! Lots of free time tomorrow, hopefully it’ll be spent all by myself!

Commitment Phobia Anyone?

February 22, 2009.


Ugh. I guess I should start with the birthday party.

On Friday the 20th, I went shopping all day with Lee and the way I was acting definitely made it seem like I was really interested in impressing Ray. And I was, but not really in the aspect of romantically. I bought a gorgeous little dress. Lee curled my hair and did my makeup. Made me look like a movie star. We took my car through the carwash, she looked pretty as well, then around 7pm we went to pick up the birthday boy, er, man.

He was in high spirits and we got to ‘Outback’ before anyone else did and hung out and chatted. This was Lee’s first time meeting Ray. She liked him immediately. It’s funny, because being around him in such a comfortable way just comes naturally. It doesn’t feel weird to hug him or stand close and when we talk I do find that I talk to him as if he were my boyfriend. There’s a certain tone I always use…interesting.

His other friends started arriving and surprisingly I knew about half of them through extra work. So it was a fun time. I cheated on my diet and had a glass of wine. Plus, I was DD, so I really couldn’t have more than that if I wanted. But Ray was very into me all night, constant hugs, telling me I was gorgeous every five minutes, blah blah blah. That’s all nice, but I started freaking out. I think I may be a bit commitment phobic. But maybe only because he’s not the right one for me.

After dinner I really just wanted to go home and be alone. But Ray wanted to meet some other friends out for a drink in Bev Hills. Lee and Miguel had to go home, so I dropped them off and then headed out with Ray. On the way there his friends cancelled, but we were real close to their house, so we stopped in to chat shortly. His friend is absolutely gorgeous. Tall dark and handsome to a T. And Australian, so he’s got the charming accent as well. He was a very sweet guy. We didn’t get to meet his wife though, she was “in the bath”. When we left there, Ray could sense that I was “tired” so I dropped him off, gave him a hug and he kissed me. It was quick and short, but he kissed me. Then we hugged again and he said, “Oh, I just like you so much, is it ok that I like you?” And of course, like an idiot, I said, “Yes!” and he kissed me again. Oy. So I took off in my car with a very smiley Ray waving behind. What’s a girl to do?

Lee and Miguel think I’m absolutely insane for not liking him. “He’s everything a girl could want!” say the married couple…People just don’t understand when you’re single how intimidating the thought of a serious relationship can be, even with the most perfect man. Going from extremely independent to almost a “wifey” is terrifying to me. Plus, it’s obvious that he wants marriage soon. I mean he just turned 39. Wow. I do not want that soon. At all!!!!

Well, the next day (Saturday) I kind of ignored his texts and calls all day long. I just couldn’t deal with it yet. I spent the day working out and thinking about my crazy reaction to Ray. I had plans to go over to Miguel and Lee’s later that evening, so on the way I finally called Ray. Yes, it was just as awkward as I expected. He just keeps saying “You’re so beautiful! You’re so gorgeous!” Well, sure that’s nice to hear every once in awhile, but after the 50th time in the conversation I just want to scream, “Shut up already! Tell me something else…am I a good person? Am I fun? Am I funny? I don’t want to be just a pretty little thing!!!” Well, we ended up having a more serious convo then expected as well. He told me that when he’s with me he just feels great and gets all silly like he’s back in high school again or something. “Is it ok that I feel this way, or should I not?”

This time I was more honest. I told him I think he’s wonderful and I absolutely love spending time with him, but “right now I have no room in my life for a relationship and I would hate to keep hanging out and lead him on”. He understood this. We sort of hit on that topic during Valentine’s Day, so he knew that both of us as actors have to put our careers first right now. So…we shall see. I think he got it, but one never knows. Men are pretty dense.

I have lots more stories from yesterday and can’t wait to share, but I’m running a little late for a gig I have today and have to pick Miguel up on the way. I will write either later this evening or tomorrow, but I will catch you all up!

The Horniness sets in...

February 6, 2009.

So much is gone down, you don't even know! 2009 is still proving to be a great year. I'm super exhausted already though and it's only the end of the first week in February.

Lindsay and I have been on set lots and lots this past week. I've been making much needed money. I couldn't be happier. No one, not one single male on set, has commented about my ring. Hmm...how curious. I really have not been very flirtatious either, so I've only given my number to one crew guy, because he wanted to go out drinking with us. Other than that, there seems to be little to no interest in my bizness. Which, I'm totally cool with.

Today, I realized I'm getting anxious to get laid. This is the longest I've gone in about two years. I know...I'm such a slut. But Lindsay almost got a little "afternoon delight" today and I found myself getting irritated at her. Why was I so mad at her for getting her groove on? Because I want to get my groove on!!! I'm horney.

But I will prevail! We all got a bit wild and crazy last night with some Green Fairy in our systems. I stupidly spent the night texting Liam. Begging him to come over. Using every offer in the book. This morning, I felt pathetic. But a quick review of our text convo reassured me that I hadn't really said anything too embarrassing, plus he said that it was "hot" that I was being so forward with him.

Also, more exciting man news. I was texting with Will last night. He leaves in about a week for a tour in Australia. The last tour he's doing with his band. I ever so slyly suggested that he come visit L.A. (and more importantly me)after his tour. To my surprise he said he's going to look into changing his flight back home to a flight to L.A. I hope he does! He'll totally make a lonely girl extremely happy!

Alright, and I guess I should've started with the worst story and ended on a high note, but just fyi, Tony is out of my life. So is Sam. Lindsay and I had a drunken night the other night (i know...how rare!) and we ended up at Tony's house. He drove us there, so we were kind of trapped. He got it into his dick-run head that we were going to be just drunk enough to have a threesome with him. Now, if he knew me at all, he'd know I'd never go for it...especially with one of my best friends. How absolutely disgusting! So, I left in a huff and surprise, surprise, he just rolled over and went to sleep. Done. Never again will I let him effect my life. I called him after I had walked home and screamed at him to never, ever contact me again and to tell Sam (who is now his roommate) to stay the F*** out of my life as well.

I don't think he believed me. But this time it's for real, for real. He actually called me the next day. I didn't answer, he left no message, and that's that. What a total creep.

Better in the beginning of the year then wasting the whole year hoping that he can be rehabilitated into a normal functioning human being.

Anywho, Lindsay and I have plans for dinner tonight, then off to Encino's birthday party in Hollywood. He's in charge of the slating on set and when we first met him he was giving me the "bedroom eyes" and we couldn't help but notice his resemblence to a caveman...hence "Encino". Of course we haven't told him that, but we say it with love. The more we get to know him the more adorable he becomes and alas, we found out yesterday that he's in a relationship. But he's still awesome and we plan on keeping up a friendship with him. So tonight, we party!

I think that's most of the updates I have. I shall write tomorrow with news of tonights events. Hoorah for another month of abstinence...I hope I can contain myself!