Sent.

June 11, 2009

So I sent the email:

"Hey you,
So, ever since you brought up Costa Rica, I haven't been able to get my mind off things. I wish we saw eachother more often so I could have conversations with you face to face, but since I don't think I'll see you until Saturday, just wanted to let you know what's going on in my head.

I don't think I mentioned this to you before, but at the beginning of the year I took a vow that I would put myself and my career first. Last year was such a messy year with boys and emotions and it truly distracted me from the whole reason I came to Cali. I planned on spending this whole year single and abstinent (yikes, i know). Which, I've already failed and let my guard down on both points.

I really enjoy spending time with you and hope that we can continue to, I just want to be honest and let you know that I don't think I can get into anything serious right now. I'm not ready to be a girlfriend and I'm not physically/emotionally able yet to be there fully for anyone.

I'm not really sure how you see "us", but I would hate to ever be accused of leading you on in any way because that is not my intention. In my ideal world, we can still spend time together (sans sex, because it messes with my emotions). I want you to be honest with me at all times as well about how you feel.

Also, I want you to know that I appreciate your generosity and your invitations, but I never want you to think that is the reason I spend time with you...my favorite moments don't cost a thing.

Call me tonight or sometime before saturday when you get a chance so that we can actually talk. I hope your week has gone smoothly! Mine's been rather fast. I'd like to see you this weekend, but I understand if you don't feel the same."


Holding my breath to see the response...

Eek.

I want a Cigarette.

May 11th, 2009

Well, the Seattle chapter has ended just as quickly as it had begun. We are “taking a step back” (my words). He just called me to talk about 'Becks' (as he so affectionately calls her – puke in my mouth) and how he still wants to be friends with her, but because of 'us' and the situation the other night with him bringing girls back to his place, he feels a little 'trapped' and unable to hang out with her like he wants. She's the girl he was with right before me, but it was a messy situation and he ended it.

Ok. I like Seattle. I'm crazy about him. But he's not here. And I can't be there. Bottom line. I never wanted to get in the way of his life. And if he wants 'Becks' in his life right now, then I can't keep doing what we are doing. I would never tell him to not be friends with someone, but I don't trust that woman. I think she's manipulative and always has an ulterior motive behind what she says to him and what she does.

The only thing that really kills me about this situation is how happy 'Becks' is gonna be when she hears this from Seattle. Again...puke in my mouth.

I tried to be as mature in our conversation as possible and I think I succeeded. I know I said what Seattle needed to hear. I think he's been feeling like this for awhile now, but refusing to say anything because he fears that I'll just cut him out of my life completely. Which isn't entirely true, but perhaps I'll be less likely to pick up his every phone call.

I mean I still want to be able to talk to him and enjoy him as someone great in my life, but if we're not together, then there is nothing stopping me from going on dates or exchanging numbers with boys that I meet at bars or a few make out sessions here and there. I'm still going to try and keep my (mostly) abstinent goal. I refuse to revert back to the person I was last year. Although, a one night stand is sounding more and more tempting these days...

Alright, so here's the universe thinking it's making a funny, ha ha, joke. Not more than 20 minutes after I hung up with Seattle and showered and got dressed, there was a knock at my door. It was UPS delivering my Victoria's Secret order, in which is the amazingly sexy bra and panties/g-string set that I was going to wear for Seattle when he arrived...(pictured above). Ok Universe! Good one! You're lucky I have a sense of humor!

He still wants to visit. And I still want him to. But I am very confused about it all now. And I do know that if anything happens between him and 'Becks' before he visits, I may have to ask him to sleep at his brothers. We can still go surfing and hang out at the beach, etc, but I don't want him in the bed next to me, making it hard for me to say no to anything that may transpire.

Oh life. How ridiculous are you?? Well, my faithful readers, be prepared for much more drama in my life from this point forward. Relationships make for boring posts, don't they?

“Absolutely nothing, I'm absolutely fine, absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind...”
~playing on my Pandora 'Lily Allen' station right now.

I am absolutely fine. And I hope Seattle is too.

One Day at a Time

May 1, 2009.

Happy May! Usually this is where I say, “Wow, I’ve made it! Four months abstinent!” But we all know that I’d be lying if I claimed that. Well. It’ll be a whole month before I have sex again (starting from the day I left Washington) So, does that count?

I apologize for the late posting. Skype and Seattle are equally to blame. Man, our Skype romance is blossoming quite nicely. Tonight we watched some youtube videos together, mostly about hamsters and breakdancing. Then we did some online shopping, mostly lingerie and mother’s day gifts (not at the same site/time). I also got to hang out while Seattle showered and got in his p.j.’s. He didn’t show me the goods this time. He figured last time ought to last me a while. I suppose I owe him. Then, last but not least we brushed up our French speaking skills un petit peu.

Man, he’s cute. It’s hard though to talk on Skype and not try to multi-task. I tend to want to check my email or do some more blog research or look up crazy weird things, but when I do that I notice I don’t focus on the conversation and I totally lose track of what he’s saying. I don’t like that. I want to give him my undivided attention. No multi-tasking!

Ok, so here’s the beginning of the list of things I want to do while Seattle’s in town (in 21 days…):

 Cuddle
 Hang out in my bed
 Spend a whole day at the beach
 Surf
 Have a beer on the boardwalk while watching the sunset
 Cuddle some more
 Get nakey
 Wear my new lingerie
 Make plans for our next weekend together (hopefully sooner than a whole month)
 Go see a movie


And, I’m sure I’ll be adding to that list, but for now that’s pretty good. If you have any fantastical ideas be sure to let me know! What stinks is I’m sure I’ll be scheduled to work on Friday night when he arrives. I made sure to request Saturday off because Sunday I’ll be rehearsing improv. Ugh! So, we have to make the most out of Saturday and then I’m not sure if he’ll be leaving on Monday or Tuesday. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday so I have that extra day to canoodle with him! It just ain’t fair. It’s gonna be so painful to say goodbye to him again. Ok, I won’t think about that yet!

“I promise to take one day at a time.” – quote on the ring Nikki gave me, which I’ve been wearing on my ring finger. I like it. It sums up my year!

Bittersweet Symphony

April 20, 2009.

Sitting in Seattle airport right now trying not to cry. Said goodbye to Seattle about an hour ago now. I cried. I felt silly. I couldn’t help it. The tears just started coming out about an hour before I left and I couldn’t stop ‘em. I had such a lovely weekend and felt for a moment what it was like to have a great boyfriend to just hang out with.

Then reality hit me and before I knew it I was in a cab heading for the airport. Seattle would’ve driven me, but this morning he woke up with flu like symptoms and felt terrible all day long. He kept apologizing because we literally spent the whole day in bed. But there was nowhere I’d rather have been.

I actually enjoyed being there while he was sick, because it’s not like I’ll be able to do that very often and it made me feel like I was able to be a girlfriend, not just a guest.

Argh! I’m so frustrated right now. I’m mad at myself for being so sad right now. And I still don’t exactly know where it is that we stand. He looked over at me today and said, “Well, you’re definitely dateable”, in his dry sense of humor tone. So, I couldn’t really tell if he meant I was dateable and he wanted to date me or if I’m definitely dateable and should find someone else to be with.

I kept joking that all I want for my birthday next Saturday is him to be here. But, I really wasn’t joking and I was hoping that if I plant it into his brain enough times maybe, just maybe he’d show up at my door. I know it’s not really possible, but I can dream right?

I really do like my life in LA, but it sure would be great if I got to share it daily with an incredible guy.

So, I guess I’m not really “Abstaining Irene” anymore, but I guess I’m “abstaining from everyone but Seattle, Irene”. Not quite the same ring to it, but I like it.

Ugh, bittersweet…bittersweet.

My Quest is Over!

April 19, 2009.

So it’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting in Seattle’s apartment watching “Meet the Press” while he’s making us waffles…I could get used to this. Unfortunately, I won’t get a chance to.

He just asked if I want a glass of juice and I glanced over at him and all I can think is, “God he’s cute!” I don’t want to stop staring at him. Not fair.

I’ve avoided saying this whole time “Leaving Monday is going to be so hard.” I’m trying to remain in the here and now and just enjoy the time we have together.

Got here Friday night and swore my heart was going to beat straight out of my chest while waiting to get off the plane. He greeted me outside the terminal in his work clothes. He looked sexy. We hugged and chattered all the way to baggage claim. Got in his car and started making out. Mmm…We drove back to his apartment, stopping for noodles on the way, brought the food back to his place and ate at the table. Then we took a short walk down to Rite-Aid (I had forgotten my contact solution) only to discover it had closed at 7pm. It was 10:30. It was great though, he showed me his campus where he goes to law school and pointed out the building where he works and showed me a bit of the gay bars on Capital Hill near his place.

We got back and attempted to watch an episode of ‘Dexter’ but it was so much more fun to watch one another, make out and yes, attempt to have sex. So, my streak is over. Friday was a little frustrating. I think it was a mix of nerves and emotions but for some reason Seattle couldn’t do it. He tried, but just couldn’t. He reassured me it wasn’t me, he is madly attracted to me.

Well, that didn’t stop us from trying again in the morning. Again, we ran into a bit of trouble. I was now on a mission…I needed to have sex with Seattle and I needed it to be amazing. He got up to shower and I was checking my email when I heard, “Irene?” “Yeah?” I responded. “Do you wanna shower with me??”

It was so cute the way he asked he sounded like he just stepped out of middle school and was awkwardly asking his crush out. Adorable. I couldn’t resist. I joined him.

We proceeded to have a most perfect day, exploring Seattle. He took me to an amazing brunch that overlooked the water and had a great view of the city, then we went for a Ferry ride to Bainbridge where we walked a bit around the harbor and found a great spot to sit and have a beer overlooking the boats. On the ferry ride back to Seattle we were surrounded by high school Prom-ers chattering away. We sat and made comments the whole way back. It was super fun.

Back at his place he made us dinner and we sat and talked politics. Then we cuddled, started watching ‘Dexter’ again and I moved in for the kill… Success! It was awesome! We hopped in the shower after…man it’s hard for me to keep my hands off of him. And vice versa.

We watched another episode of ‘Dexter’ followed by another round of amazing sex.

So I guess that’s it! My jig is up! Three and ½ months abstinent and here I am with a most amazing guy having great sex and no regrets. This does not mean I’m headed back to LA and back to bad habits. Not at all. I made it a goal for myself to not have pointless, meaningless sex. And I haven’t.

Seattle is great. I feel so strongly connected with him and it’s weird because he’s so extremely different than all the other guys I’ve ever been with. I think that’s why I like him so much.

We’re going out to dinner with some of his friends tonight and I’m super stoked to meet and impress them. I can’t wait! I may allow myself to get a little tipsy so that I’m more comfortable/more fun over dinner.

Man, how’d I get lucky enough to find such a great guy in a bar, but am unfortunate enough that he has to live far away…? Such is life.

Not sure where this weekend will leave us yet, but it sure has been great. More to come!

Begin and End Period

April 8, 2009.

It’s 5:42am and I can’t sleep anymore. I went to bed semi early after a drunken phone conversation with Seattle where I proceeded to tell him that I haven’t had my period in a year because of the birth control I was on. Why that came up or was something relevant I felt I needed to say? Who knows…

Our phone conversations have turned into a series of sighs and moans. No, not in that sense! In the sense that we’re so frustrated by our situation that we no longer know quite what to say other than, “Why can’t you live here! Grrrr….” The count is down to 9 days. 9 days till I hop a flight and land in the arms of Seattle. I’m still very very excited, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Todd text me Monday night while I was at work suggesting we do dinner and a movie Tuesday (yesterday). I told him, “Tuesday’s kind of booked.” I had already made dinner plans with Pete, Lee, Miguel and Lil’ bro. And I thought of offering an alternative date, but then stopped myself. I stopped because I realized doing that would be leading Todd on. I don’t even know what’s really going on with me and Seattle and I don’t need to complicate my life anymore. I think that was a common trap I would fall into last year. I was never really attached to any one particular guy, so I would go on dates with many and then end up having two or more guys thinking I was their girlfriend. Not gonna happen again.

I feel also, that my mind is becoming mush. I think it’s due to my alcohol intake, lack of world news, i.e. t.v. and nonexistent reading habits. I need to get smarter!

Seattle and I were chatting aka sighing and grunting the other night and he said something about one of my past blogs. Apparently, I wrote something in there about not “needing” someone in my life, but “wanting” them in my life and he started mumbling something about him “needing” and stopped himself and said, “Ugh, we’ll talk about it when you get here.” That phrase has come up a lot these days…

Last night too, he said, “I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with you.” Me too!! It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with someone. I feel as though I’m destined to always be in weird situations where I don’t have a “normal” relationship. It’s pretty unfair.

Also, I realized just a few minutes ago that I do believe I will be having my period when I go visit him. Which I have to chuckle at because even if I had decided that I was going to give him my newly founded v-card, I couldn’t. I think I’ve decided though that I’m not going to. I’m going to remain abstinent. My reasons are, as much as I would enjoy making love to him, I would be much more satisfied with myself if I waited until I was in a more stable relationship. One where I wasn’t going to fly into town, have sex and then leave, not knowing the next time we’d be together. It would feel somewhat pointless and that would defeat the whole purpose of my year of abstinence.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

April 5, 2009.

I need a dildo. Woke up this morning, crazy horny and decided that it’s something I need. I’ve never owned one, but I hear they’re a pretty common household product!

Had a four-hour conversation last night/into this morning with Seattle. We ended the conversation talking about how hard it is going to be for me to abstain from him when I go visit in two weeks. I told him I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Pro: I’m sure it would be phenomenal. Con: I’d have given up my commitment to abstinence after 3 ½ short months. Pro: It’s with someone I really care about. Con: It would make it even harder to leave and come back to a life far away.

He’s great. It’s totally unfair. I told him about Pete. I couldn’t help it. Honesty is way too important for me, so I’d want him to tell me, if the situation were reversed. Of course, I spared him the details, but at least he knows and the crazy thing is we’re so on the same page with things. He told me obviously he’s “hurt” because he wishes it was him, but we aren’t exclusive and it would be unfair if he asked me to be. His words. He’s giving me the freedom I always want from men, but with him I don’t need or want it. Does that make sense?

I still have two weeks, 12 days to be exact until I see him. I just hope I get crazy busy so that time flies by. I’m unbelievably anxious and I know he is too. I think we’re pretty antsy to find out how the weekend goes, because it will answer a lot of our questions. It’s sort of going to be a deciding factor on where we go from here. Do we take the huge step and commit to a serious long-distance relationship? Do we take the mature step and decide it’s just not really a good idea? Do we remain friends who really really like eachother and dread the day one of us finds someone else? Do we become exclusive and worry that the other person is not really happy because we can’t be with people in our vicinity? All of those situations suck.

I’ve done distance before and frankly it’s unbearable. Therefore…

I don’t even want to finish that. We were both getting a bit choked up on the phone last night even talking about it, because I think we both know that we are in fact prolonging the inevitable.

He said to me, “You deserve a great guy and a great relationship and I want to be that guy…”then he paused for a really long time and I didn’t respond because I was just waiting for him to add, “but…”.
Because the truth is I want him to be that great guy and that great relationship. There is no one else I want and not sure if there will be.

I still do believe everything happens for a reason and I know we meet people for a reason and not necessarily because we need them for the rest of our lives, but because for some reason we need them right then in our lives. So perhaps Seattle is creating a happy distraction that is putting me on a different path than I’d have taken without him. Perhaps in a month he’ll no longer be such a large part of my life, but I’ll have him to thank for where I end up. Perhaps…

I put it out there and "Seattle" was the response

March 20, 2009.

Wow. So, like I planned the other day; I met someone. Spent St. Pat’s day with Nikki, Seattle, his brother James, Miguel and Lee. Got drunk off of wine and made out with Seattle in the kitchen of my apt.

Miguel and Lee headed home and James spent the night in the living room with Nikki while Seattle and I canoodled in my room. We started making out and got nakey and Seattle admitted that he’s never had a one-night stand and usually doesn’t do things this fast with girls he just met. I assured him there would be no sex involved in the evening, since I’m celibate in 2009! Woohoo! So we were at a standstill. We lay in bed together all night, chatted for what seemed like forever and got no more than 3 hours of sleep. But the sleep deprivation was well worth it.

We had all planned on spending the next day at the beach, but Nikki was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed some space from the men. So we decided to go without them. I kind of wanted Seattle there, but was very happy to spend the day with my girls. That night, I had text back and forth with Seattle and told him to call me when he got done with poker with the bro. I ended up passing out before midnight and he didn’t finish his game until 1:30am, so no meeting up.

I was on set all day yesterday and received texts from Ray and Seattle. Ray had wanted to go shopping with me for a gift for Miguel, but I was definitely not going to be out any earlier than 9:30, and I did want to spend time with Seattle since it was his last night in town. I made plans to have a late dinner with Seattle after the shoot, however, when I got out there was major LA traffic and I found out that I had a call time of 6:30am for today. Both put a serious damper on my mood. I text Seattle and told him I was “cranky”. He told me “No problem. I’m definitely bummed, but u need to work and u shouldn’t run urself ragged. If I don’t’ get to see u before I leave (which is likely since I fly out tomorrow), I hope we can keep in touch; because I really do feel that I would love to see where it could lead. And lastly, I wish I could read ur blog.”

Ha. Apparently, I opened up completely about my blog the other night…and now he knows he’ll be a part of it! Well, after getting that text I realized, “What am I doing??” I really did want to see him and I was pushing away…potentially sabotaging something great. So I asked if there was any way he could come to my place, cuz “I could really use the cuddle.” Cheesy, I know, but true. So, he did. We lay in bed and talked until 2am. Then attempted to get what little sleep we could before I had to go to work. My alarm went off at 5:15am and all I could think was, “What am I doing??” I decided to take a chance and not go to work. I know…tisk, tisk, two days this week. I need money! “What am I doing??” Ugh, well, I skipped work, however, we didn’t go back to bed, and we stayed awake and talked until 9am. 4hours of completely honest, somewhat overwhelming (in a good way) conversation.

I like him. He’s smart, sweet, funny, mature, honest, trusting, open minded and damn I bet he’s great in bed! Just a feeling I get…I don’t regret my decision to abstain, because, like I said, I really like him. He was totally respectful of the situation, but it was frustrating, for the both of us. My body wanted his pretty badly. We chatted a bit more, then headed off to breakfast at Jinky’s.

He got real quiet while at breakfast, which was weird for us, since our convo’s have been awesome thus far. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong though, because I kind of feared the answer. But, he then apologized for being so “flat” and said he was really exhausted. Me too. But for some reason he gives me energy. Then we headed back to my place so he could grab his stuff and say our farewells. He just looked so sad puppy and said, “I’m kind of bumming.” Me too. He invited me to come up to Seattle sometime and I may just have to take him up on that offer. I want to spend more time with him.

I told him this morning, which is totally true, that I know I must genuinely like him because my mind is completely calm when we’re together. I’m not strategically planning an escape plan or thinking about other things. It’s silent, for once. That honestly never happens. I’m usually a little awkward with the boys in my bed, because I truly don’t want them there. Seattle? If he didn’t have a flight tonight, I’d want him to stay in bed with me all day/night. Humph. I’m so good at picking the least opportune guys aren’t I?

Hey, side note: met a guy on set who just got engaged to his girlfriend and he told me they’ve been celibate for 5 years! They weren’t planning on waiting till marriage, but at this point they figured, why not? I told him I think that’s great! So, if they can do it for 5 years while in a committed relationship, then I can do it for 1 while I’m single…right?

Well, it’s Miguel’s 23rd today and we’re all going out to celebrate (Ray and everyone). I’m kind of nervous to see Ray, but I want Miguel to have a fabulous night, so no matter what, I’m gonna be all smiles and friendliness. Got lots of errands and sleep to catch up on before that happens though, so I’ll update manana!

Oops I did it again...

March 12, 2009.

Well, I had sex today. And lots of it. Ok, so it was in a scene for a movie and it wasn’t really sex, more like making the “O” face while having a random guy pulsing up against me. But, it reminded me of how not fun having sex with someone you really don’t care about can be. Ha. I mean my fellow actor was wonderful and quite cute/sexy, but since there was no emotional bond, it just made me feel as though I was right back into last year in the arms of all those guys I let myself sleep with.

And I can honestly say I’m so happy that I don’t do that anymore. I am now two and ½ months abstinent and feeling fabulous. I don’t ever miss sex and I rarely desire someone in bed next to me these days.

Ok, so updates on the eharmony thing. I decided I don’t want to do it. As cool as it might seem for like the first week, there’s just all these questions. Like, how much can you really tell about a person by reading simple questions they answered on a website? How do you know if their picture is accurate? I don’t want to meet someone online because they think my picture’s hot. I want them to be attracted to my personality! It’s like being back in 8th grade and sitting at my computer after dark and signing onto AIM or into chat rooms and the boys would say: “Age/sex/location? Are you hot? Do you cyber?” Eww. I don’t miss those days and have no desire to go back to them.

So here I sit yet again, pondering if I’ll ever meet someone I desire to spend more time with. I’ll be honest, I had started a mini crush on the director of this film I worked on today and I felt a vibe, like we hit it off really well, he’s asked the question twice now, “So you don’t have a boyfriend?” and he loved every answer I ever gave to questions that was asked and he thought I did so wonderful and compliment after compliment. Then when we were leaving the set, he asked, “So what are you doing tonight?” And I said quite blatantly, “Nothing.” And then, as if the cameras were still rolling, I raised my eyebrows and took a sideways glance at him as if to say, “Here’s where you ask if I wanna go grab a beer with you.” But instead he said, “Really? Nothing?” and I replied, “I guess I should probably do laundry.” And from there the convo died and somehow five minutes later we were talking about his girlfriend. So, that’s a dead horse. Ha, I’m so pathetic.

Also, Ray text me yesterday saying, “I could really use some sympathy and cheering up today, got work done on my teeth and feeling sore and drugged.” Ok, now that’s such a man trap. Because we already had the discussion about how we can’t be just friends, therefore we can’t hang out, because I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want to be hugging and kissing a guy that’s not my boyfriend. But here he is asking me to act like his girlfriend and cheer him up, and if I take the bait and later say, “I was just being friendly” he’ll use it against me and say I was “leading him on”. I know how it works and I’m not falling for it!

He sent me two emails today and invited me to be his date to some event in April already. I don’t get it. A guy tells you he’s “falling in love with you”, you say “no thanks” and he still pursues. I don’t get it. Where are all the normal guys? Seriously, now!!!

P.s. it was totally fun making out with a perfect stranger all day long today and then being able to come home and not worry if the other person reciprocates your feelings…cuz there were none. It was fun!

The Horniness sets in...

February 6, 2009.

So much is gone down, you don't even know! 2009 is still proving to be a great year. I'm super exhausted already though and it's only the end of the first week in February.

Lindsay and I have been on set lots and lots this past week. I've been making much needed money. I couldn't be happier. No one, not one single male on set, has commented about my ring. Hmm...how curious. I really have not been very flirtatious either, so I've only given my number to one crew guy, because he wanted to go out drinking with us. Other than that, there seems to be little to no interest in my bizness. Which, I'm totally cool with.

Today, I realized I'm getting anxious to get laid. This is the longest I've gone in about two years. I know...I'm such a slut. But Lindsay almost got a little "afternoon delight" today and I found myself getting irritated at her. Why was I so mad at her for getting her groove on? Because I want to get my groove on!!! I'm horney.

But I will prevail! We all got a bit wild and crazy last night with some Green Fairy in our systems. I stupidly spent the night texting Liam. Begging him to come over. Using every offer in the book. This morning, I felt pathetic. But a quick review of our text convo reassured me that I hadn't really said anything too embarrassing, plus he said that it was "hot" that I was being so forward with him.

Also, more exciting man news. I was texting with Will last night. He leaves in about a week for a tour in Australia. The last tour he's doing with his band. I ever so slyly suggested that he come visit L.A. (and more importantly me)after his tour. To my surprise he said he's going to look into changing his flight back home to a flight to L.A. I hope he does! He'll totally make a lonely girl extremely happy!

Alright, and I guess I should've started with the worst story and ended on a high note, but just fyi, Tony is out of my life. So is Sam. Lindsay and I had a drunken night the other night (i know...how rare!) and we ended up at Tony's house. He drove us there, so we were kind of trapped. He got it into his dick-run head that we were going to be just drunk enough to have a threesome with him. Now, if he knew me at all, he'd know I'd never go for it...especially with one of my best friends. How absolutely disgusting! So, I left in a huff and surprise, surprise, he just rolled over and went to sleep. Done. Never again will I let him effect my life. I called him after I had walked home and screamed at him to never, ever contact me again and to tell Sam (who is now his roommate) to stay the F*** out of my life as well.

I don't think he believed me. But this time it's for real, for real. He actually called me the next day. I didn't answer, he left no message, and that's that. What a total creep.

Better in the beginning of the year then wasting the whole year hoping that he can be rehabilitated into a normal functioning human being.

Anywho, Lindsay and I have plans for dinner tonight, then off to Encino's birthday party in Hollywood. He's in charge of the slating on set and when we first met him he was giving me the "bedroom eyes" and we couldn't help but notice his resemblence to a caveman...hence "Encino". Of course we haven't told him that, but we say it with love. The more we get to know him the more adorable he becomes and alas, we found out yesterday that he's in a relationship. But he's still awesome and we plan on keeping up a friendship with him. So tonight, we party!

I think that's most of the updates I have. I shall write tomorrow with news of tonights events. Hoorah for another month of abstinence...I hope I can contain myself!

Long Days

February 1, 2009

Today was exhausting! Lindsay and I spent 14 hours on set of the Hallmark movie. We felt super special because the director, producer, AD’S, PA’s, etc all paid lots of attention to us. We stayed extra late and did some stand-in work. We chatted up the crew and tried to make some great connections. No one noticed the ring on my hand and no one really flirted with me much either. It was nice.

I feel like the ring is becoming less and less noticeable. Maybe I’m just becoming less and less “available” with my actions. Lindsay did lots of flirting and I think the prop guy is truly in love…

I heard from my band member #1 again today. He loves me. He keeps telling me that he’s going to buy me a house in the hills and we’ll “live happily ever after”. I wish I was more attracted to him, it would be great.

Also, haven’t heard from and haven’t contacted Liam since we hung out on Thursday. I’m trying to decide when it will be appropriate to contact him. I don’t want to seem too anxious or too hard to get. I need to find a happy medium. Not sure what I want anymore from him. I wish we hadn’t hung out two nights in a row, because now it just seems like too much.

Oy, so many things to think about. Well, it’s onto a new month. Can’t wait to make it through another month completely abstaining from tickling the sacred cow! I’m gonna be so proud of myself! I know…seems pathetic, but we all have our own goals, don’t we?

Another day on set tomorrow. Exciting! Making moolah and connections! It’s super terrific! Updates manana!

Back from a short hiatus...

January 31, 2009

So, I’m a terrible person for not keeping this current and up to date this past week. I’ve been super busy with Lindsay and work. But, lots of random things have definitely been happenin’. Let’s see, met my soul mate in a forty-year-old Australian mans body. Hung out with Liam, who confessed his attraction to me. Confronted my roommates about their weird judgements about my dating life and made some awesome connections.

I was on set for a commercial and I met Ray. He’s from Melbourne and absolutely adorable. He’s one of the most positive and optimistic people I’ve ever met. We spent most of the day talking about our astrological signs and our animal signs. I’m a rat and he’s a dog…apparently we’d make great lovers. That’s just what they say. We exchanged emails and we’re gonna catch a movie sometime soon. He’s just overall a great guy and I think he’s going to be a great connection in the biz.

Hung out with Liam twice this past week. Lindsay and I went out on Wednesday night to a local dive bar and met up with Liam and his roomie. We drank a bit, danced a bit and Liam told me that he likes me and had inquired after the first night we met about my stats. And my roommate Nate had apparently told him that “She’s not into guys.” So, Liam thought I might be gay. I told him that I’m definitely not and that I do like him also. But we kept it completely friendly and didn’t even end the night with a kiss. We did make plans for the next evening though.

Again, Lindsay, Liam and roomie and their other friend Craig came out and we bar hopped in Hollywood. I was DD, so I was not drinking. At one point we were at Beauty Bar and Liam pulled me onto the dance floor with him. He was absolutely adorable dancing his cares away. However, the night ended kind of strangely. Lindsay and Craig hit it off and were hot and heavy, which made Liam’s roommate unhappy and in turn pissed off Liam. I tried my damnedest to cheer him up, but no go. So, in turn I got frustrated.

Now things are just kind of awkward. I haven’t text or talked to him in two days and am gonna try to go at least one more day without contact. I want to give him a bit of space to figure out what he wants from me because right now I think we both feel strange about what’s been happening with my roommates. God, why is everyone so pathetic? Ugh.

Last night, I slept over at Tony’s. He called me upset and wanted me to come over to cheer him up/sleep with him. He didn’t say it like that, but, come on…he’s a guy. So, I did my job of cheering him up. We made out a little. We cuddled, he tried to get frisky, and I refused him. It felt really, really good to say “No.” But, I spent the night and got up this morning, kissed him on the forehead and said goodbye. His phone is turned off, so I’m unable to call him. I wanted to find out how he was feeling today, but couldn’t.

Let’s see…today is the last day of January 2009 and I’ve successfully made it the whole month being single and celibate. Let’s see how February goes. Gotta get up bright and early for work tomorrow, so I’m off to bed. Here’s to a new month!

Victory is Mine!

January 24, 2009

VICTORIOUS! Ok. So, Lindsay, Margaret and I were all booked to work on the Hallmark movie today. What a great day! It was pretty much an all girl day so not too many manly distractions. Except, I will say the P.A. that checked us in bright and early was extremely handsome. We all made a point to remember his name and use it as many times as possible during the day.

Then, we came home and vegged out for a bit until Nate got off work and we all headed to a house party for one of his coworkers who is leaving town in a week. I wasn’t too psyched, because the last time we went to a house party at this particular place I was a third wheel and Margaret and Nate closed themselves up with one of the hosts and smoked a bowl for a good 30 to 45 min. I stood outside and awkwardly pretended I was on the phone, so I wouldn’t have to talk to the jocks that were outside smoking. It was awful.

Well, this time, Lindsay was here and she was ready to mingle! So, we were one anothers wing-woman and we had a blast! We got lots of male attention and made many friends. Plus, Liam, the guy who I’ve got a major crushy-crush on, walked through the door. Hallelujah! We’ve hung out a few times, but I never gave him my number as respect for Nate, because he’s his friends and I don’t want to cross any boundaries. But tonight, I decided that was bullshit and boundaries needed to be crossed. I just can’t keep my eyes off of him. He’s adorable and I think he has the same thought about me.

Lindsay and I worked our charm on these men and the party was full of drool over our smiley eyes and shining smiles. Margaret and Nate decided that they’d had enough and let it be known that “whenever we want to go, is cool.” But Lindsay and I were clearly just getting started. We decided one more beer from the keg and we’d be good. So we let out our last valiant flirtatious efforts and decided to leave the guys wanting more.

I went to say goodbye to Liam and his roomie (I adore them both) and I finally exchanged numbers with Liam…FINALLY! I couldn’t be happier. I want to so bad right now just text him and admit what a crush I have on him…but I’m gonna train myself to be a littler harder to get. Not rush into things. I’m still respecting the ring and even if Liam and I do end up hanging out more, there will be no sleepovers and no nookie, just like I previously stated.

Liam gave me a great goodbye hug and offered to drive me and Lindsay home if we perchance did want to stay a bit longer, but we do have to get up bright and early again, so we decided we needed to leave in order to get as much beauty sleep as possible. But, I have plans to ensnare adorable Liam on Tuesday night with the temptation of wings and beer at wing night. We shall see…I’m super excited. I’m happy Lindsay’s here, because she’s helping me see that my roommates are a bit crazy, and I need to not let them take control of my life as much as I do now. Major changes in 2009. I love it! Still “engaged”, still abstaining, still happy and going strong!

Updates soon.

P.S. Tony called me while I was at the party. I think he really misses me. Two nights in a row! That’s a first since last January when we were actually dating. I like that I don’t have the urge to call him back or run right over when he calls anymore, but I can still talk with him and make plans to hang out. As he stated tonight, it’s my turn to call him this week so we can set up a play date. I sort of want to, but I also sort of don’t. It’s interesting…

Closed off from Love

January 8, 2009.

Wow. So much to say about today. Got booked on an extra gig for today. Was working “Kath & Kim”. Big crowd scene. Arrived at 7:15am and ran into Miguel. I worked with him a few weeks ago, before I went home for the holidays. Sweet kid. 22yrs old and already married…hmmm.

We spent the entire day chatting. He remembered the ring. He noticed it last time, because he was talking about being married and then asked, “Well, what about you?” motioning to the ring (I had been wearing it on my left hand already). I couldn’t lie and after discovering he was married, felt quite safe to tell the truth about the ring. We also were chatting with Neil, another extra he knew from other sets and I had just met. Neil mentioned the ring and Miguel blew up my spot! He called me out and said, “Oh yeah, you’re one of those girls!” They both teased me about it quite a bit.

I just reassured them, “If only you knew what I went through with dating last year…” They prodded and teased and kept repeating, “You’re closed off to love!” (Jokingly of course).

They learned that I tend to date sensitive guys and yes, it is because I’m quite a strong willed woman, leaning toward feminism, but not quite that radical, I just like my independence. They of course started in on that and we talked about how two stubborn people just wouldn’t work. It made me think of Tony…the guy I dated for two weeks straight last January and broke up with because he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong and I was too stubborn to accept his non-apology. Two “stubborns” don’t make a right.

Then Miguel laughed and said, “I think she’s looking for a guy who knows exactly what he wants and won’t take shit from no one.” I think you are right on the money Miguel…so where are all those guys?

And is it so bad that I like to wear the pants in the relationship? Perhaps that’s always been the reason I leave the man first. Even when I’m still in love. Because I have the balls to make that decision. Oy…I’m sounding like such a hard ass. I hope no guys are reading this and getting totally turned off right now.

All I’m saying is that I like to be treated equal. I don’t like to be treated gently as if I’m fragile and will break if I open a door myself. I just want you to acknowledge that I’m capable of doing everything you can do and also be able to admit when I can do it better. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t like to need a relationship, but I’d like to want one. And I do want one. I want one with a guy who’s my best friend and can make me laugh. Who understands when I need space or girl time away from him. Who’s not threatened by the fact that most of my friends are male. Who understands that if I were going to cheat, I just would never have gotten in a relationship in the first place. Who knows that I don’t like to be cared for as if I was a child, but do need to be looked after when I’m blue or feeling ill. Where is this guy?? Does he really not exist??

Sam called tonight. Invited me to go out to a bar downtown with him tomorrow night. He makes me smile. Why am I so afraid of being close with him?

Everyone makes Mistakes

January 6, 2009.

I cheated last night. I mean I still abstained from sex…but I let myself make out and get sort of nakey and cuddle all night with my friend Sam.

It started like it always starts. We meet at a bar for drinks to catch up cuz we haven’t seen one another for a bit. We get drunk and giddy and kiss…then we make out for a bit and before we know it, we’re sleeping next to one another.

The thing about Sam is I’m so comfortable around him. He noticed the ring about halfway through our night and I told him the deal with it. I explained how it’s supposed to help me sort out my emotions and not complicate things with sex and boys. I also told him that I’m blogging about it, because it’s sort of a social experiment as well. To which he responded, "Well, just don’t tell me the name of the blog, write about me, change my name, just don’t let me read it."

I’m still plenty confused about that boy though. We’ve been friends for a year now. We became more than friends sometime last April. Not sure how or why it happened, but it did. I know drinks were involved. Here in lies my second vice: Alcohol. Not that I’m an alcoholic, I can go weeks without desiring a drink, but when I do drink, I become more open to opportunities that present themselves. Less likely to say "no", which is what I need to learn to do!

So I unloaded a bunch of emotional garbage on him at the bar and told him that I’m always confused about him because I have so many feelings toward him, ranging from sisterly love to passionate love. (I didn’t use the word love in the conversation; that would’ve sounded way too creepy). But at the same time he sends me mixed signals, like after spending the night, I may not hear from him for weeks. "Just like every other guy."

He admitted that he’s always felt strongly for me, but thought I wanted the distance from him. Which isn’t entirely untrue. I tried to distance myself from most guys last year, so that I wouldn’t get hurt again.

He respects what I’m doing with the ring. I, now that I think back, stupidly, invited him to sleepover. I flatly said, "I’d like for you to spend the night, we won’t be having sex, but it would be nice to cuddle and kiss you for a bit." I should note, he is an amazing kisser…great lips, lots of passion.

So he accepted my invite and respected my no sex policy. It was nice to have a body against mine.

I started dreaming about us lying there and he was saying, "So what do we call eachother? Are we like, boyfriend, girlfriend?" And I just giggled and kissed him to make him shut up. Because I knew that’s not what I wanted. When I woke up this morning I was so glad that was a dream…at least I hope it was a dream.

I fucked up.

Going out tonight. Maybe I’ll be the DD and stick to soda. I don’t want to repeat last night.

Definitions

January 5, 2009

I looked up the definition of "abstinent" today :

abstinent \AB-stuh-nuhnt\, adjective:abstaining, especially from self-indulgence

Now the sentences they use to better describe the word are always pertaining to sex, however, the definition says nothing about sex. How strange that our society just automatically associates being self-indulgent with having sex.

Total side note...I went to dictionary.com to look up a few definitions and I just realized, I didn't actually look up "abstinent", it was on the first page of the site as the "Word of the Day". How crazy coincidental is that? It's a sign...I totally believe in signs.

So what exactly is self-indulgence?

self-in⋅dul⋅gent [self-in-duhl-juhnt, self-] adjective - 1. indulging one's own desires, passions, whims, etc., esp. without restraint.

Hmm...have I done that in the past year? Yup, way too many times. This is something I definitely need to work on. This will be a good test of my will power and self restraint.

I've spent approximately 5 hours in the coffee shop today, well ok, maybe it's really only been 3, but it feel like 5 and my eyes are getting blurry from staring at the computer screen. Tonight, I sense will be another "old maid" evening which consists of me sitting in front of the t.v. knitting, while my lovey dovey roommates cuddle across the room. Gross. I need a social life, without men, without roommates.

Tomorrow night Nikki has decided that she'd like to reschedule our rendezvous so that we can join some of (my ex) her current coworkers out at Porn Star Karaoke night. Sounds like an exhilarting time. We've all decided to make it even more fun and dress like porn stars for the evening...should make for an interesting blog. I've never flirted with a porn star before! I have a feeling it won't be hard to practice restraint in such a situation.