What a weekend...

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.



Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

I need to relax.

March 29, 2009.

Wow. So much, so much. Two nights ago, I hung out with Rick. Decided I wanted to walk to Ralph’s with him, get a bottle of wine and just stay at my place since it was my last night alone at my apt…*sniffle* I wondered if that was going to be weird for him since the last time we saw one another we were more than friends. He seemed fine with it. We grabbed a bottle of red and vegged in my living room. It was awkward. I remember now all the things that annoyed me about him and the reasons we couldn’t be more than friends. He always asks, “How are you feeling?” as if I’m recovering from some huge illness and he wants to make sure every five minutes I’m not going to puke. I feel fine…

Then he’s just so shy! It makes me feel so strange and all I think to do is talk and talk and talk to fill the silence. However, after a bottle of wine he becomes a lot more fun. That’s what I remember too, and that’s why it’s easy for me when I’m drinking to fall into traps. I start thinking he’s cute and sweet and wait, why did I ever stop liking him? Well, I was very good though and kept those thoughts at bay. Pretty much cuz I kept wishing it were Seattle sitting across from me…*sigh

Well, we talked for a good two hours or so, he got up to use the restroom and I was wandering around my wonderfully empty apt. He came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. I let him. I’ve had the most uncomfortable sleep lately and really could use the massage. But it did in fact reaffirm the point in my mind that Rick is unable to be just friends with me. Humph. He wants to do dinner on Thursday and I’m not opposed, I just don’t want to lead him on. Also, one weird thing. He left my place around 11:30pm and I received a text from him about a half hour later saying, “You still up?” and I text back that I was, “What’s up?” and I didn’t get a text back for awhile, but he responded telling me he had gone to a bar after leaving my place and a “cougar” was hitting on him and he wanted an excuse to get away.

Now…I immediately thought two things, 1) why did he feel it was necessary to go to a bar after leaving my place anyway. Kind of weird and 2) um…by “cougar”, did he mean a woman more age appropriate for him?

Sorry, it just seemed odd to me. Ugh, anywho, yesterday was quite the eventful day. Went a party in the hills with Pete. He’d invited me a while back. It was his dad’s Best friend’s wife’s retirement…got that? So we decided in order to make the party more fun we’d just get trashed as soon as we got there. Yup. It was fun. We were sloshed by 6pm and decided we wanted the night to just keep going, so we planned an impromptu party at his new house.

First of all, the house was ridiculously huge and secondly we planned the impromptu party to end all impromptu parties. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that historic, but it was pretty bad ass seeing how many people showed and how much beer was drunk and how silly everyone was being. I may have inadvertently flirted with Pete’s best bud. I totally didn’t mean to send those vibes, but he started getting all close and giving me bedroom eyes and shit and I realized…uh-oh, time for me to back off. Oy, how does that happen??

Talked to Seattle a little while at the party. Miss him. A lot. Is it even realistic to miss someone you barely know? Probably not. He was out doing his own thing and having fun and I was out doing my own thing and having fun. I like that. At one point I was dancing with Lee in the living room, we were having our own little dance party and I just kept thinking about how great I feel. I wasn’t self-conscious because there was no one there to impress and I was happy because people I love surrounded me and I didn’t feel lonely.

And last but not least…I have a roommate. Blah. He came to the party last night, I thought it would be a good get to know you thing. He had fun, got drunk and I ended up driving us home, don’t worry I was way sober. I had stopped drinking pretty much when we got back from the first party. My roommate is…well, I’ll put it this way, I’ve gained a little bro. This could be good or very, very bad.

Called Seattle when I got home and into bed. Needed to hear his voice before going to sleep. I have a flight to Seattle, WA for the 17th of April. Can’t wait.

Btw, just a random note, the other night while chatting with Seattle on the phone he was describing this idea to me in all these technical/scientifical words and all I could think was, “God he sounds sexy.” And I told him that. I’m such a nerd.

I'm Broken...

March 1, 2009.

Happy March folks! Here’s to another month single! Where do I begin? So much happens within 24 hours…

Went out to see a friend in a play last night, afterwards we all went out to ‘Yogurtland’. Got a text from Band member #1, saying he wanted to cuddle. I thought, what the heck…what do I have to lose? I took a chance and drove all the way down to Redondo Beach, making the directions up as I went along, the whole time being optimistic and thinking, “Maybe he’s a great kisser and we’ll have terrific chemistry and I’ll fall for him…”

Well, that didn’t happen. Not even close. I arrived at his hotel, and apparently he wasn’t there, he was at the beach and there was “drama”. So I waited for 15 min and text him telling him I didn’t have time for drama. So he told me to meet him down by the beach, so I drove as close as I could and no sign of him. Then I decided to leave. I text him, “Alright, I’m heading home.” And he text me something about how he was walking back to the hotel with some drunk girl…I’d heard enough. I drove off.

But the weird thing was, even though I put myself out there, I wasn’t upset to be coming home alone. I think it’s because I don’t really have feelings for him. Which is a new thing I’m discovering: hooking up just ain’t as fun when you really don’t care about the person.

Today I slept late, got up and went for a nice long run then called Ray. He just moved to his new place yesterday and we were going to celebrate today. So we made lunch plans. I went to Ralph’s on my way and picked up a bamboo plant as a house warming present. It represents good luck and purity (ironically enough). I bought one for myself as well. I got to Ray’s around 3pm, he showed me his place, it’s quite cute.

Then we walked to get lunch. And walked…and walked…and walked. I sweat…and sweat…and sweat. It was humiliating. By the time we got to lunch, I was drenched with sweat. Ray reassured me it was “sexy”. Now what is wrong with me that I can’t get into a man that thinks my sweat is sexy???? Argh!!!

I actually really enjoyed spending the day with Ray, despite the perspiration. He is so damn cute. And that accent…killer. I told him I had to leave by 5:30pm for my improv tonight, which was a lie, I had until 6:30, I just wasn’t sure earlier if I was going to need an out or not. But truth be told, I wanted to spend more time with him.

I’m honestly dying for a day of lounging with him. I enjoy his company a lot and I just want a day that we can just be. Just be and not have to do anything. I think I’d thoroughly enjoy it. Ugh. I just want to be comfortable around someone. Just be myself. And here in front of me is this guy who I most definitely could be myself around, my plain jane, sweaty, goofy self, and he’d still want me.

What’s my damage??

Humph.