Hopelessness sets in...

April 14, 2009

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve slacked for almost three days now!

Well, we’re down to 3 days till Seattle. I’m still excited but starting to be filled with a sense of hopelessness. What are we doing? We aren’t going to be able to have the type of relationship we want and I already know that long distance and I don’t get along. I’m so upset. I cried the other day while on the phone with Seattle. He didn’t know I was crying; I tried to hide it. I was just feeling so sad because I like that boy so much and yet I feel as if we don’t have a chance in hell of making this thing work.

I was supposed to go out Easter evening with some friends after having dinner at my place with Pete, Miguel and lil’ bro, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t like going out because I’m not trying to meet people and I don’t want to have conversations with guys I don’t care about. Ugh. So, I ditched my friends and stayed in and talked to Seattle for 2 ½ hours.

Last night I worked and then went out to Maeve’s with Nikki. Chad, the boy she’s been seeing for about a week now was there, of course, and Nick, his friend who thinks I’m “cute”, was also there. I tried my hardest to have a good time but it was increasingly difficult. I stood there while Nikki and Chad hugged and kissed and were totally involved in one another and Nick kept staring at me hoping to make interesting conversation and find some connection with me. FYI: I’m totally not interested in Nick, even if Seattle weren’t in the pic, Nick would not make it onto my radar. And it upsets me because, sure Nick’s a nice guy and fun to chill at a bar with, but can’t I do better? I’ve been having this argument with Seattle that the guys that hit on my really bring down my self-confidence. That may sound super snobby and I apologize, but it is true that if you’re constantly being hit on by skeezy looking, lame guys, you start to wonder: “Is that what I really deserve?”

And it’s especially hard when you have a gorgeous friend like Nikki that attracts the cutest, nicest guys. Where are my cute nice guys? Why can’t they live in LA?

To top off my night BM#1, who I haven’t heard from/have been ignoring since that unsuccessful trip down to Redondo, called me. He was clearly drunk and rambled on for at least 20 mins about how he needs a second chance with me. He apologized and was freaking out because he feels like he blew his chances with me and he’s not willing to accept that because there’s something about me. He said, “You have an amazing heart that hasn’t been tapped into yet.” And he wants to be the one to tap it…

I just sat and listened and cried. Why do I have an overabundance of guys in my life that need a second chance? Why couldn’t they have just gotten it right in the first place? I’m so sick of apologies, I just want one guy that gets it right and sticks around and doesn’t live thousands of miles away. I just really don’t think it’s possible in LA.

After talking to BM#1 I text Seattle on the off chance he was still awake and he was. He asked how the rest of my night went and I said, “Not great.” Then he responded, “Want to talk about it? Has to be short though.” This just made me more upset. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t want to feel like I had to put a time limit on it. I understand he’s got an important life and needs to get up early, but I want a guy who will sacrifice a little bit for me. I want him to say, “Call me, tell me all about it.” Not, “It has to be short, though.” Thanks for squeezing me in. I told him we’d just talk today. I’m so frustrated. I’m glad we didn’t talk last night because I probably would’ve unloaded all of my fears and crazy thoughts on him and regretted it this morning.

I wanted to ask him, “What are we doing???????????????????????????”

I also have decided that I’m not going to have sex with him when I go up to Washington in a few days. We’ve joked about it over the phone. But I’m really convinced now that it’s a bad idea. I don’t need to add a notch to my bedpost if it’s not someone who’s gonna be around for awhile. I have enough notches and would really like to keep that number where it is.

I’ve never felt so hopeless and desperate in my life and I absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic.

I'm Broken...

March 1, 2009.

Happy March folks! Here’s to another month single! Where do I begin? So much happens within 24 hours…

Went out to see a friend in a play last night, afterwards we all went out to ‘Yogurtland’. Got a text from Band member #1, saying he wanted to cuddle. I thought, what the heck…what do I have to lose? I took a chance and drove all the way down to Redondo Beach, making the directions up as I went along, the whole time being optimistic and thinking, “Maybe he’s a great kisser and we’ll have terrific chemistry and I’ll fall for him…”

Well, that didn’t happen. Not even close. I arrived at his hotel, and apparently he wasn’t there, he was at the beach and there was “drama”. So I waited for 15 min and text him telling him I didn’t have time for drama. So he told me to meet him down by the beach, so I drove as close as I could and no sign of him. Then I decided to leave. I text him, “Alright, I’m heading home.” And he text me something about how he was walking back to the hotel with some drunk girl…I’d heard enough. I drove off.

But the weird thing was, even though I put myself out there, I wasn’t upset to be coming home alone. I think it’s because I don’t really have feelings for him. Which is a new thing I’m discovering: hooking up just ain’t as fun when you really don’t care about the person.

Today I slept late, got up and went for a nice long run then called Ray. He just moved to his new place yesterday and we were going to celebrate today. So we made lunch plans. I went to Ralph’s on my way and picked up a bamboo plant as a house warming present. It represents good luck and purity (ironically enough). I bought one for myself as well. I got to Ray’s around 3pm, he showed me his place, it’s quite cute.

Then we walked to get lunch. And walked…and walked…and walked. I sweat…and sweat…and sweat. It was humiliating. By the time we got to lunch, I was drenched with sweat. Ray reassured me it was “sexy”. Now what is wrong with me that I can’t get into a man that thinks my sweat is sexy???? Argh!!!

I actually really enjoyed spending the day with Ray, despite the perspiration. He is so damn cute. And that accent…killer. I told him I had to leave by 5:30pm for my improv tonight, which was a lie, I had until 6:30, I just wasn’t sure earlier if I was going to need an out or not. But truth be told, I wanted to spend more time with him.

I’m honestly dying for a day of lounging with him. I enjoy his company a lot and I just want a day that we can just be. Just be and not have to do anything. I think I’d thoroughly enjoy it. Ugh. I just want to be comfortable around someone. Just be myself. And here in front of me is this guy who I most definitely could be myself around, my plain jane, sweaty, goofy self, and he’d still want me.

What’s my damage??

Humph.