A little Lost

April 21, 2009.

Woke up today and found myself sad that I wasn’t waking up in Washington, lying next to Seattle. I found myself wandering around my room last night not sure what to do with myself. Lost.

Woke up around noon, needed to get out of the house. It’s so strange that I was only gone for the weekend and yet now my normal life feels foreign to me.

Got a text from Seattle: “Hope your flight went well and you made it home from the airport ok. I skipped my class this morning but am going to try to go to my evening classes. Feeling a little better, but missing you.”

This is a first. We never say, “I miss you”. I think it’s because before we felt we had spent such little time together that it was impossible to “miss” someone you don’t really know. But, I miss him too.

I’m going to need to snap out of this soon though. I’m sure that once I go back to work and start auditioning, etc, etc, I’ll feel fine and happy again. It was interesting how much I liked being in Seattle. I really enjoyed the anonymity that came along with it. Sometimes I reconsider my decision to be an actress for the simple fact that life seems to be more peaceful for those with real jobs and simple habits. I liked that feeling of peace.

I watched “Marley & Me” on the plane last night and it made me want to fall in love with someone so deeply that I want nothing more than to have a family and be with them. It was such a terrific love story. I want to have a terrific love story.

BM#1 text me this morning as well, “What are you doing tomorrow?” I told him I wasn’t sure and may be working. He didn’t like that answer. Apparently they’re playing in LA at the Knitting Factory and he wants to hang out. I told him he has really bad timing because “I’m sort of seeing someone and I’m not sure where it’s going and I also don’t know what good can come of seeing [him]. What’s the point?” Sounded a little harsh, but that’s how I’m feeling. And apparently he didn’t get the last bit of the message, so I guess maybe it didn’t sound as harsh to him. Which, I think maybe the universe was intervening to not hurt his feelings too much.

Oh boys. What ever shall I do with you? Not much on the horizon for this evening, except for a little alone time which I will most likely spend moping. I’m such a baby!

Hopelessness sets in...

April 14, 2009

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve slacked for almost three days now!

Well, we’re down to 3 days till Seattle. I’m still excited but starting to be filled with a sense of hopelessness. What are we doing? We aren’t going to be able to have the type of relationship we want and I already know that long distance and I don’t get along. I’m so upset. I cried the other day while on the phone with Seattle. He didn’t know I was crying; I tried to hide it. I was just feeling so sad because I like that boy so much and yet I feel as if we don’t have a chance in hell of making this thing work.

I was supposed to go out Easter evening with some friends after having dinner at my place with Pete, Miguel and lil’ bro, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t like going out because I’m not trying to meet people and I don’t want to have conversations with guys I don’t care about. Ugh. So, I ditched my friends and stayed in and talked to Seattle for 2 ½ hours.

Last night I worked and then went out to Maeve’s with Nikki. Chad, the boy she’s been seeing for about a week now was there, of course, and Nick, his friend who thinks I’m “cute”, was also there. I tried my hardest to have a good time but it was increasingly difficult. I stood there while Nikki and Chad hugged and kissed and were totally involved in one another and Nick kept staring at me hoping to make interesting conversation and find some connection with me. FYI: I’m totally not interested in Nick, even if Seattle weren’t in the pic, Nick would not make it onto my radar. And it upsets me because, sure Nick’s a nice guy and fun to chill at a bar with, but can’t I do better? I’ve been having this argument with Seattle that the guys that hit on my really bring down my self-confidence. That may sound super snobby and I apologize, but it is true that if you’re constantly being hit on by skeezy looking, lame guys, you start to wonder: “Is that what I really deserve?”

And it’s especially hard when you have a gorgeous friend like Nikki that attracts the cutest, nicest guys. Where are my cute nice guys? Why can’t they live in LA?

To top off my night BM#1, who I haven’t heard from/have been ignoring since that unsuccessful trip down to Redondo, called me. He was clearly drunk and rambled on for at least 20 mins about how he needs a second chance with me. He apologized and was freaking out because he feels like he blew his chances with me and he’s not willing to accept that because there’s something about me. He said, “You have an amazing heart that hasn’t been tapped into yet.” And he wants to be the one to tap it…

I just sat and listened and cried. Why do I have an overabundance of guys in my life that need a second chance? Why couldn’t they have just gotten it right in the first place? I’m so sick of apologies, I just want one guy that gets it right and sticks around and doesn’t live thousands of miles away. I just really don’t think it’s possible in LA.

After talking to BM#1 I text Seattle on the off chance he was still awake and he was. He asked how the rest of my night went and I said, “Not great.” Then he responded, “Want to talk about it? Has to be short though.” This just made me more upset. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t want to feel like I had to put a time limit on it. I understand he’s got an important life and needs to get up early, but I want a guy who will sacrifice a little bit for me. I want him to say, “Call me, tell me all about it.” Not, “It has to be short, though.” Thanks for squeezing me in. I told him we’d just talk today. I’m so frustrated. I’m glad we didn’t talk last night because I probably would’ve unloaded all of my fears and crazy thoughts on him and regretted it this morning.

I wanted to ask him, “What are we doing???????????????????????????”

I also have decided that I’m not going to have sex with him when I go up to Washington in a few days. We’ve joked about it over the phone. But I’m really convinced now that it’s a bad idea. I don’t need to add a notch to my bedpost if it’s not someone who’s gonna be around for awhile. I have enough notches and would really like to keep that number where it is.

I’ve never felt so hopeless and desperate in my life and I absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic.

What are we??

April 4, 2009.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ok, had to let that out. This is one of the worst posts I’ll have to write since…well since before I met Seattle. What is wrong with me? Yesterday I had my first day back working at Cecil’s. It went fine. Afterwards, Nikki and I went out for sushi and then were going to head over to my friend Pete’s cause he was having people over. I didn’t really feel like going, because I’ve been partying a bit much this week and I need to cool down, but I figured, if Nikki’s there we can “make an appearance” and then head home.

Nikki headed home first to change and I headed to Pete’s. The second I walked through the door, I received a text from Nikki saying she’s not coming. Ugh! So, now I was stuck. I had to hang out for a short while. I couldn’t very well just walk out the door now! I figured I’d stay for one drink then head home.

Now, my problem is, I’m an idiot. I was casually sipping my one drink and Pete signed me up for a round of Beer Pong. One game couldn’t hurt…

Seattle called me while I was waiting to play. I was super excited to hear from him. We chatted for a bit when Pete started flagging me over to play. We were up! I told Seattle that I really, really didn’t want to hang up so he better drunk dial me later or call me today. Off to pong…

I was on a team with Pete, and M. We were doing pretty poorly when all of a sudden we won the game! Which meant we were to compete against the next team. Oy, more drinking. The next team consisted of Pete’s two other roomies and their friend. We were in the middle of the game and Pete pulled me aside and said, “I just glanced around the room and do you realized that every guy in here has his eyes on you?” I just brushed the comment off and giggled saying it’s not true. But Pete kept just reinforcing that every guy was staring at me. Well, there were slim pickin’s there, what can I say?

Anywho, needless to say, I got drunk after my third game of pong and was planning on staying on the couch, when Pete offered me his bed. I’m stupid when I drink. So after our third and final round of pong Pete and I headed upstairs to bed. I laid down and “passed out” and he went to change into p.j’s in the bathroom. When he came back he woke me up and we started teasing and wrestling with one another and he kissed me. Ugh. So, we’ve been friends for over a year now and nothing has ever happened between us and I was quite happy with that fact. He’s my neutral guy friend!! But, his kisses were very nice and I let him and we started to fool around and he told me he really wanted to “fuck” me. Guys are awesome. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” All I could think was, “I can’t do this to Seattle!”

I mean we’re not “dating”, we haven’t defined what we are to one another, which I think is making me confused and not sure how to act anymore. Am I single? Am I in a relationship? I still really like him and am so excited to be going to Washington in 13 days, but what if I get there and things aren’t as great as they are over the phone? That’s why I don’t want to commit to him now, before the trip. And I don’t mean I want to be with other people, I just don’t want to call him my boyfriend before I know if it’s a good idea or not.

Oy, so anyway, I spent the night with Pete. We didn’t have sex, which I’m sure he was very frustrated by. I told him there was someone else in my life and that I didn’t want things to change between him and me either. I like him as my friend! I’ve never really been physically attracted to him, but he can be quite funny and a lot of fun to hang out with and now I know he’s a really good kisser.

All I could think this morning when I woke up was how I wanted to roll over and kiss him more and how I totally shouldn’t. I didn’t.

Here’s my next dilemma: Do I tell Seattle? I’m all about honesty and if we are in fact going to be in eachothers lives I feel as if I need to tell him. But on the other hand, we’re not a couple…yet, so maybe telling him would just mess things up unneccessarily. I know I’m taking one large risk putting it out here in this blog as well, since he knows he has the power to read it. He recently stopped reading it because he was feeling guilty about it. I think I almost need him to say to me, “Don’t be with other people.” And I would gladly say, “Ok, that is fine by me.”

I feel like I always freak out when the potential for something great comes into my life. I’m great at sabotaging myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What do I do?

Screaming at the Top of My Lungs

April 2, 2009

This picture is how I feel today. 15 days till Washington. Time is going too slowly. Ok, where to begin…yesterday, eh?

Went to Fox and Hound with Nikki. The bartender we met on Monday night was working and remembered us. Gave us free drinks and shots. I only had one of each. I was driving. He was a lot of fun to chat with all night and we both couldn’t help but notice how much he reminded us of Sam. Very much similar. Even to the point where he was getting wasted on the job and not caring at all.

Lots of men there on Wednesday night! Our odds were pretty good. Nikki was scoping out the soccer team that was entering in groups of two. She realized it’s the same team her ex used to play on, but that didn’t stop her from hoping to get back on the team! Then we realized that one of the guys from Monday night was on the team as well! Uh-oh, his friend had called me earlier as well and I ignored it, naturally. He left a message. Ugh. Well, Ned, the guy that we ran into again at F&H seemed pretty chill, so we chatted with him for a bit.

Nikki found some new eye candy and of course two seconds later he pulled up a barstool and started chatting her up. She was over it in five minutes. Jess joined us at the bar after work and we all went outside for a smoke (I watched). Nikki said, “What a waste!” She was referring to the guy she had just been talking with because he was super attractive and yet his mind was slosh from all the drugs he’s done. She’s right, what a waste.

We decided to head over to the other bar, Maeve’s for a bit. Our odds were just as good over there, but the crowd was a little weird. We were being wallflowers by ourselves and a guy comes over and uses this as an “in”: “Is that your library card hanging out there for everyone to see?” Referring to my key chain that was attached to my belt loop and yes, has my lib. card on it. Now if he had been a cast member on Mystery’s reality show, “The Pickup Artist”, he’d have lost this round. The three of us proceeded to chat about reading, and um…yes it was the most boring conversation I’ve ever had at a bar. I kept turning my body further and further away from him in hopes that he’s good with body language, but alas, he still stayed too long.

Ned, from F&H came in not too long after so we headed over to him and his friends to chat. They were also awkward. Come on guys! Where’s your game at??

These two other guys that we had been bumping into all night came over and asked if we needed to be saved. They had been noticing that we’ve been getting into a lot of “boring” conversations all evening. I swear to God, I thought these two guys were gay. Therefore, they were “safe” and the four of us chatted casually and it was fun. Then, Dom (one of the gay guys) started flirting with me and asking me when he’ll see me here next and blah blah blah. Oh no! Even if he was straight, and I wasn’t so in like with Seattle, he is sooo not my type! How does this happen?

Well, Dom has already found me on myspace and sent me a message saying that I was “too gorgeous” last night and if I could “tone it down” the next time we hang out that would be great. Now I just know he’s full of shit, because I was not dressed up at all, had very little makeup on and did nothing with my hair. He must’ve had his ‘goggles’ on…

Nikki and I left the bar and headed straight for Carls Jr. We had been craving it all night. I think I was craving it because I had gone on a 40min run that day and working out makes me hungry. We chowed down at her place and talked about the many boys. I can’t keep track anymore. It’s getting to be a bit much. While there, I received a text from Seattle: “My turn for a late night text. Sad thing is that I have no fun story to tell about being up late, just homework. I feel like I am hanging out with u, i.e. going to bed at 2:30 and getting up at 7:30. This would be much more fun if I had you to wake up to.”

Man, he says the right things. I was telling Jess and Nikki earlier that night that it’s definitely going to be hard for me to not have sex with him when I go visit in a few weeks. I’m gonna wanna so bad! Nikki’s advice, “Just go for it if it feels right!” I guess it’s just weird for me, because if I did in fact “just go for it” how would that be any different then what I did all last year. So many guys, so much sex, so little satisfaction. I want the meaning behind the action now…humph. When did I regain my morals? Ha!

I think I’m moving my ring back to the left for a little while. I need a break.

Happy April!

April 1, 2009.

Humph. Went to bed happily imagining falling asleep next to Seattle in 16 days…can’t wait. We chatted last night before bed, I love having evening convo’s with him. He inspires me to be healthier, smarter, and in turn makes me happier.

I had been thinking that I wanted to bring him a gift or something when I go to visit. I had been racking my brain and finally decided I think I shall make him dinner one of those nights. So I asked him last night what his favorite meal is and he basically told me, “pasta”. Well, that would be super easy, but I want a bigger challenge. We ended up talking about food for about a half an hour; both our inner fat kids were drooling. But I think I’ve figured out what it is I’ll be making. Meatloaf. Mmm…sounds delicious, right?

Well, I have a recipe for it that my brother in law made up so I’m going to attempt it. I have never before attempted such a thing, so I might have to do a trial run before I get to Washington.

I don’t have much to update with right now, the day is fairly young. I have an audition in a few hours that I’m uber excited for. It’s for a video project that a superbly talented photographer is making. I would have to be ok with nudity…and I think I am, after looking over her work, she does it extremely tastefully. I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of nudity. Sometimes I wonder, “why did it ever become such a shunned thing?” I mean it’s everyone’s most natural state and it’s beautiful. It’s a shame that we can’t all be comfortable and confident in our birthday suits.

Anywho, going out with Nikki and Lacey tonight. We’re hitting up trivia night at a local bar, so I’m sure I’ll have adventures to share later!

Watch Out! Here Comes a Whole Flock!

March 31, 2009.

Here we go folks, another month another milestone for me! 3 months celibate! Hazzah! I’ve been strong thus far…9 more months to go. Last night was quite an unexpected adventure. I actually didn’t talk to Seattle much yesterday and I was a little sad about it, but I purposely didn’t let myself call him because I need to not get so attached. It was hard though! Took a lot of will power and of course I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why has he not contacted me?”

Well, I ended up going out with Nikki last night. Met her at work and then we decided to venture somewhere new. We headed into Studio City to check out some bars we’d never been to before (well, I had been once before). Her only requirement was that there be lots of guys. Done. Being a Monday this task seemed a little more daunting, but whenever I go anywhere with Nikki, it doesn’t take long to find guys. They just seem to flock.

So we started at one bar and as soon as we walked in the door a group of Armenian guys started flirting with us. We got out of that situation pretty quickly and stuck to ourselves in a corner of the bar. After a drink there we went across the street to the next bar. We comprised 50% of the female population there. Sweet. We couldn’t help but notice a group of guys that were at he bar behind us. Pretty good looking, but they were with the other females that were there. After about 40min at the bar these guys next to us started chatting. They were pretty fun. One was from Ireland, one was very quiet and the third couldn’t keep his eyes off Nikki.

We started a heated game of trivia with them and the Irish one and I made a deal that whoever lost the next round had to buy the other a shot of their choice. I kicked some Irish butt and we took a shot of whiskey…ugh. Then two more guys at the end of the bar sent the bartender over to offer Nikki and me a round of drinks. We weren’t really interested in drinking more, but I told the ‘tender if it made his tip larger, send the drinks our way! So those guys ended up moving down to our end of the bar and playing trivia with us. So, drunken boys surrounded us! What fun!

I apparently got more drunk than I realized and exchanged numbers with one of them, who I most definitely was not interested in, and I don’t even remember giving him my number, but this morning I woke up to a text from him, so hmmm…

And Nikki had exchanged numbers with one of the other guys and later text me saying that the Irish one had text her and told her to give me his number. He was definitely very attractive and I’m gonna be honest, I was not on my A game last night. I didn’t go out expecting to meet guys, so I was dressed like a slob. Also, whenever I go out with Nikki I just assume that the attractive men are going to hit on her, so I don’t concern myself with them. But, in my opinion he was definitely the best looking of the three and I was very flattered that he liked me.

Seattle and I just had a conversation this morning about men flocking to women at the bars and my argument was that they would flock to any girl, they’re not that picky. His argument was that I have a skewed opinion about it because I’m attractive and “must get hit on a lot”. I kept saying that’s not true, but after writing about last night, I’m kinda beginning to wonder…But there really was a lack of females at the bar. After all it was a Monday night.

I’ve got 17 days till Washington and I’m still super psyched. It’s strange though, because I keep thinking, so much can happen in that amount of time. Seattle and I aren’t an official couple, even though I feel as if we are. But, what if someone else comes into my life between now and then? Do I bank on the fact that Seattle’s wonderful and just thinking about him makes me smile or do I suck up reality that he’s in Washington, I’m in LA and it doesn’t appear as though either of us will be moving any time soon.

He was talking about his summer internship and how he might get an opportunity to do a lot of travel in the next year and I got kind of sad. I couldn’t help but think to myself, well…he’s already in a different state and then if he goes off travelling for a bit, is there really any hope for “us”? I’m sure I’m getting way too ahead of myself. But really, what are our actual options?

Hypocrites

March 30, 2009.


Chatted with one of my best ladies from the east coast yesterday. Told her about Seattle and my upcoming trip. She shared a little about her current..."thing", I'm not sure what to call it yet, but she said she never really wants to talk about it too much, because when she's done that in the past things never seem to work out. I know exactly what she means. You hype something up to your friends and then either you end up feeling like you have to make it as good as it sounds, even when it's not, or just suck it up and admit you were wrong. I've been keeping Seattle a bit of a secret. I think I have the same superstition that something might go terribly wrong if I share my happy thoughts too soon.

Chatted with Seattle again (twice) yesterday. It's funny because I never ever want to hang up the phone with him, and yet I feel like I always find myself in a situation where I have to go. I'm always rushing. I'd never want him to think that I am in fact rushing the convo, perhaps that's why I always need to call him again.

I realized after our conversation last night that he makes me feel normal. I don't have to put on a show or hide anything about myself. It's the nicest feeling. He makes me feel great. I shared with him some exciting news about my acting career and his reaction said it all. He was just as excited as I am. I appreciated that. It's hard to find people, even friends who genuinely get excited that things are going your way. People are always jealous or too concerned with themselves to care if things are going well with you.

Rick called me this morning. I avoided it. Let him leave a message. I couldn't help but laugh when I listened to it. He was apologizing for "drunk dialing" me the other night from the bar and explained the situation with the older woman again. Apparantly, she was 50 and "when did it become ok for women that age to hit on him"?? Hmm...now if i do the math correctly, that's 14 years older than him. He is 12 years older than me. When did it become ok for men that age to hit on me?? Ha. I mean I don't really think of him as being "too old" for me, but it's funny to see how he reacts when the situation is reversed. Guys are so dumb.

Well...the roomie or "little bro" as I'll call him, is getting cooler each day. He text me last night while I was at improv and asked if I wanted him to save me some dinner he was cooking. How sweet. When I got home, we ended up chatting for about an hour and I learned that he is uber talented. He not only d.j's, but he break dances, produces amazing music videos, edits, draws incredibly and wants to act. I'm excited to be surrounded with talent that definitely is going to go somewhere. So different than Margaret's unmotivated spirit that loomed over the apartment. I'm hopeful.

Well, let the countdown begin...18 days till Washington. Psyched.

I need to relax.

March 29, 2009.

Wow. So much, so much. Two nights ago, I hung out with Rick. Decided I wanted to walk to Ralph’s with him, get a bottle of wine and just stay at my place since it was my last night alone at my apt…*sniffle* I wondered if that was going to be weird for him since the last time we saw one another we were more than friends. He seemed fine with it. We grabbed a bottle of red and vegged in my living room. It was awkward. I remember now all the things that annoyed me about him and the reasons we couldn’t be more than friends. He always asks, “How are you feeling?” as if I’m recovering from some huge illness and he wants to make sure every five minutes I’m not going to puke. I feel fine…

Then he’s just so shy! It makes me feel so strange and all I think to do is talk and talk and talk to fill the silence. However, after a bottle of wine he becomes a lot more fun. That’s what I remember too, and that’s why it’s easy for me when I’m drinking to fall into traps. I start thinking he’s cute and sweet and wait, why did I ever stop liking him? Well, I was very good though and kept those thoughts at bay. Pretty much cuz I kept wishing it were Seattle sitting across from me…*sigh

Well, we talked for a good two hours or so, he got up to use the restroom and I was wandering around my wonderfully empty apt. He came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. I let him. I’ve had the most uncomfortable sleep lately and really could use the massage. But it did in fact reaffirm the point in my mind that Rick is unable to be just friends with me. Humph. He wants to do dinner on Thursday and I’m not opposed, I just don’t want to lead him on. Also, one weird thing. He left my place around 11:30pm and I received a text from him about a half hour later saying, “You still up?” and I text back that I was, “What’s up?” and I didn’t get a text back for awhile, but he responded telling me he had gone to a bar after leaving my place and a “cougar” was hitting on him and he wanted an excuse to get away.

Now…I immediately thought two things, 1) why did he feel it was necessary to go to a bar after leaving my place anyway. Kind of weird and 2) um…by “cougar”, did he mean a woman more age appropriate for him?

Sorry, it just seemed odd to me. Ugh, anywho, yesterday was quite the eventful day. Went a party in the hills with Pete. He’d invited me a while back. It was his dad’s Best friend’s wife’s retirement…got that? So we decided in order to make the party more fun we’d just get trashed as soon as we got there. Yup. It was fun. We were sloshed by 6pm and decided we wanted the night to just keep going, so we planned an impromptu party at his new house.

First of all, the house was ridiculously huge and secondly we planned the impromptu party to end all impromptu parties. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that historic, but it was pretty bad ass seeing how many people showed and how much beer was drunk and how silly everyone was being. I may have inadvertently flirted with Pete’s best bud. I totally didn’t mean to send those vibes, but he started getting all close and giving me bedroom eyes and shit and I realized…uh-oh, time for me to back off. Oy, how does that happen??

Talked to Seattle a little while at the party. Miss him. A lot. Is it even realistic to miss someone you barely know? Probably not. He was out doing his own thing and having fun and I was out doing my own thing and having fun. I like that. At one point I was dancing with Lee in the living room, we were having our own little dance party and I just kept thinking about how great I feel. I wasn’t self-conscious because there was no one there to impress and I was happy because people I love surrounded me and I didn’t feel lonely.

And last but not least…I have a roommate. Blah. He came to the party last night, I thought it would be a good get to know you thing. He had fun, got drunk and I ended up driving us home, don’t worry I was way sober. I had stopped drinking pretty much when we got back from the first party. My roommate is…well, I’ll put it this way, I’ve gained a little bro. This could be good or very, very bad.

Called Seattle when I got home and into bed. Needed to hear his voice before going to sleep. I have a flight to Seattle, WA for the 17th of April. Can’t wait.

Btw, just a random note, the other night while chatting with Seattle on the phone he was describing this idea to me in all these technical/scientifical words and all I could think was, “God he sounds sexy.” And I told him that. I’m such a nerd.