So Little Time...

May 30, 2009.

3:44am.

I'm writing at this ridiculously odd hour because 1)I just got home an hour ago and have just finished checking email/getting ready for bed and 2)I probably won't get a chance to write tomorrow. I'm a busy busy girl, remember?

So quick update. My improv show was last night and Todd showed up, like promised with three of his friends. They were fun to have in the audience, but I'm not gonna lie. I was so nervous about performing in front of them. Gave Todd a hug hello and a hug goodbye. I didn't hang out with him after the show because it was Brad's last show with us and he was having a little 'going away' party. Todd text me after he left and said that he really enjoyed the show and that I should text him when I'm on my way home so I can maybe come by.

Well, I didn't start heading home until 2:30am and I was way down in Arcadia and it would've been 3am before I even got to Todd's in Santa Monica. I am really anxious to hang out with him though. There's still so much we need to discuss! So we now have plans for tomorrow evening...dinner. I work, til about 8pm, I believe, unless we get crazy busy at the restaurant. Todd wants to go eat at the Greek restaurant across the street from where I live.

I'm secretly hoping it goes real well and we end up going to a movie or out for drinks and then somehow end up in a situation where we can cuddle. I'm dying to cuddle! Todd calls it “cuzzling”, which, to be honest, I really don't find cute. It's kind of like when the infamous ex used to say, “I have to take a poopaloops!” I always wanted to yell and say, “You're not five! Use real words!”

Hmm...probably a sign that Todd's not quite right for me, but for right now, I just really want to cuddle.

Nikki text me this morning asking if Todd ended up coming over and I told her no...of course not. She text me back: “He's not the right one for you. You are so fucking amazing, and my first (and only) impression of him is that he is mediocre. You deserve someone as amazing as you...that person will come along when its right. We have to keep the faith, and in the meantime, fuck guys! We have enough fun!”

She's absolutely right and I appreciate so much that she said that too me. I'm lucky to have girls in my life that remind me not to settle because of loneliness, but hold out for someone incredible.

I guess I just keep hoping that I've already met that someone incredible.

Been thinking about CRAgent lately. Haven't heard from him at all. Not surprised, but I was hoping a text or two. I keep wanting to text him, but I always feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing...I need to be chased. I know, that sounds so bad, but it's just how I feel. If a guy doesn't put out an effort, I'm not about to beg for his attention.

Alright, busy day ahead of me and I'll be running on about 5 hrs sleep...that is if I don't exercise. Oy, sleep or exercise...it's a tough decision!!

Playing field levelled...

May 24, 2009.

Ahh! It's the first time I've missed a day of blogging all month. I have a good excuse though. I was out of my house from 8am yesterday morning until 11am this morning. My schedule is crazy busy this weekend (thank God!it distracts me from Seattle's nonexistent visit).

Wow. So much can happen in a day though! So, my boss started texting me on friday night. He was supposed to come out with us, then plans changed, I stayed in and I thought he went to a bar with Nikki. So after like a half hour of texts I was confused, “Aren't you with Nikki?” He apparently didn't go to the bar at all and had stayed home also. So now, the funny playful text messages I had presumed were for the entertainment of him and Nikki, took on a whole different meaning. He was texting some racey sh*t...

I wasn't really in a playful mood, I had been thinking about Seattle and being sad, so I wasn't really making an effort to keep this fl-exting (flirting through text) thing going. I gave up and decided I should go to bed. Said goodnight. This is what he text me:

“Good night, sweet dreams, I mean that. I love that you work there and that I get to work with you. Erica [his girlfriend] always says, “You always talk so highly about Irene it's like you have a crush on her.” Maybe I do...haha, no it's just sexual...haha. Good night!”

I didn't respond. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll?? That's what I was thinking. I'm so confused by him.

Haven't seen him since friday, so not really sure what's going on there.

Last night, me and the girls had decided to go out dancing. We found this place in NoHo called 'Skinny's'. So we ventured out. I had received a text from CRAgent telling me to give him a call after we're done dancing. He told me he was house sitting and there was a jacuzzi. Needless to say I brought my bikini to the bar.

We danced our butts off at this place. It was a lot of fun. There were quite a few guys there but not too many that I'd actually want to get with. When we were done, I text CRAgent and asked if he was still up. He told me to come over. Turns out the place he was house sitting was right down the street from Nikki's, which is where we were. She drove me over there.

He is cute. Cuter than I remembered. He invited me in and I met his older bro. They were playing pool in this amazingly huge beautiful home that belongs to his sister. I was drooling over this place. It was a complete dream home.

Well, I think he was anxious to hang out with me, because his bro wanted to play another round of pool and he really didn't want to. I made him. I never want to get in between someone and their family or friends. I'm not that kind of girl. So I watched as they battled it out...CRAgent kicked some ass. Then he gave me a tour of the house, I met the dog, Charlie and the tour conveniently ended in the master bedroom, where we ended up in bed, making out and fooling around.

Unfortunately, Aunt flo is in town this weekend, and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while bleeding. Especially in someone else's big white fluffy bed. Hell no! So, there was no sex, but (to the tune of 'Found a peanut'):
“I touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, not too small, touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, that is all...”

How old am I again? Ha, so I guess my goal to not touch a penis for awhile is shot out the window. I'm not gonna lie. He's got an awfully nice one. It's not too small, not too big, it's just right. And I enjoy touching it.

The verdict on CRAgent is this: he seems like a really great guy. He seems sweet. He seems mature. I don't know if there's a lot of passion there. I don't know what his likes/dislikes are. I don't know much more than his first name and how to make him orgasm. Not sure where this one is heading, but I'm interested in finding out.

He drove me home at 11 this morning so I could get ready for work. We kissed goodbye in the car, it was sweet.

When I got home, saw that I had missed a text last night from Seattle: “I'm broken. I totally fucked up. And I read the blog. Don't know why I am wanting to talk to you because I know it would hurt both of us. But I still want to.”

I was feeling very zen this morning, so I figured it couldn't hurt to have a quick convo before work. I refused to let it end in tears and decided I really wanted to have a nice conversation with him for a change.

Well...I'm proud of myself. He told me within the first five minutes of the convo that he slept with 'Becks', just like I predicted. Girls know these things...we can sense it even from two states away. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't hang up, I just listened. And it made me feel so much better.

This totally evens out the playing field (maybe even makes him in a worse position because I was the one hurting and upset and looking for a distraction when I slept with CRA, but he just always had feeling for Becks and wouldn't admit it.) Gross, but now I can peacefully move on.

I told him this news actually made me happy and he said, “Now you can just tell yourself that the whole time we were together I wanted Becks the whole time. That'll make it easier.”

“No it won't, why would I do that? Is that the truth?” I was appalled at this statement.

“No, I just thought that makes it easier for you to move on.”

Um, no Seattle, that would make me feel worse. That would make me feel like I meant nothing at all to you and you were just using me for the time being since Becks in engaged (didn't know that did you!) and you can't “see [yourself] having a long relationship with her”.

I need to find a picture of this B*tch and make sure I'm more attractive.

We had a good conversation and I'm happy that we did. Of course I'm still a little bitter and not entirely happy with the situation, but things are looking up. He told me he went out to the bar last night and got a number from some strange chick that was playing games with him. A girl that he had gone to the bar with told him after, “Seattle, you can do so much better.”

I said, “Yeah, you had better.”

And he goes, “I know.” I just had to throw that at him. I guess I do want him to hurt. Maybe just a little.

Ugh. Life. Todd's back this week. Hoping to see CRAgent again this week. I'm free to do what I want!

Off to improv!

In Limbo.

May 3, 2009.

On the phone with Seattle today, I complained about feeling “unsettled”. I do. About a lot of things. He referred to our situation as being “In Limbo”.

Dictionary. com says:

In Limbo:
1. In a condition of oblivion or neglect, as in They kept her application in limbo for months. [Early 1600s]
2. An intermediate or transitional state, as in After his editor left the firm, his book was in limbo. [Early 1600s] Both usage’s allude to the theological meaning of limbo, that is, a place outside hell and heaven to which unbaptized infants and the righteous who died before Christ's coming were traditionally consigned.

I don’t like thinking of us like this…it makes me sad. I think he’s getting nervous that our relationship is taking up too much of my time. I have felt bogged down with time constraints lately, but it really does have nothing to do with him. Granted it would be easier if he were in the same city as I was. But he’s not and I still like him a whole lot. So even if we weren’t dating, I’d be calling him…a lot.

I am feeling the distance more though. It’s extra hard because we didn’t know eachother at all before we started chatting on the phone. And how do you get to know someone that you’re only going to see about once a month? You can’t really get to know someone over the phone. It’s not the same thing.

I had the fear last night that, what if something happens before I see him in19 days (wow that doesn’t sound so bad) that makes us not want this anymore? What if we get too frustrated? What if it’s just too painful? What if it is keeping us from doing other things? What if we get bored?

This is all just my paranoia coming out once again. Anything is possible and I need to glance down at my ring and remember to just “take a day at a time.”

I was driving home from improv tonight and was envisioning Seattle at his computer screen eating sugar snap peas. It’s really cute. Something about the way he eats them is just adorable! All I could think was, “I want to watch him eat snap peas tonight!” Ha. I’m a dork.

This relationship is definitely going to be a challenge. I’m just hoping it’s worth it! I can do a challenge! I just hate the aftermath of an unsuccessful one.

Ugh. I sound pessimistic and blah tonight. I’m sorry. I’m feeling more positivity coming into my life this week! It’s coming! I can smell it!

One Day at a Time

May 1, 2009.

Happy May! Usually this is where I say, “Wow, I’ve made it! Four months abstinent!” But we all know that I’d be lying if I claimed that. Well. It’ll be a whole month before I have sex again (starting from the day I left Washington) So, does that count?

I apologize for the late posting. Skype and Seattle are equally to blame. Man, our Skype romance is blossoming quite nicely. Tonight we watched some youtube videos together, mostly about hamsters and breakdancing. Then we did some online shopping, mostly lingerie and mother’s day gifts (not at the same site/time). I also got to hang out while Seattle showered and got in his p.j.’s. He didn’t show me the goods this time. He figured last time ought to last me a while. I suppose I owe him. Then, last but not least we brushed up our French speaking skills un petit peu.

Man, he’s cute. It’s hard though to talk on Skype and not try to multi-task. I tend to want to check my email or do some more blog research or look up crazy weird things, but when I do that I notice I don’t focus on the conversation and I totally lose track of what he’s saying. I don’t like that. I want to give him my undivided attention. No multi-tasking!

Ok, so here’s the beginning of the list of things I want to do while Seattle’s in town (in 21 days…):

 Cuddle
 Hang out in my bed
 Spend a whole day at the beach
 Surf
 Have a beer on the boardwalk while watching the sunset
 Cuddle some more
 Get nakey
 Wear my new lingerie
 Make plans for our next weekend together (hopefully sooner than a whole month)
 Go see a movie


And, I’m sure I’ll be adding to that list, but for now that’s pretty good. If you have any fantastical ideas be sure to let me know! What stinks is I’m sure I’ll be scheduled to work on Friday night when he arrives. I made sure to request Saturday off because Sunday I’ll be rehearsing improv. Ugh! So, we have to make the most out of Saturday and then I’m not sure if he’ll be leaving on Monday or Tuesday. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday so I have that extra day to canoodle with him! It just ain’t fair. It’s gonna be so painful to say goodbye to him again. Ok, I won’t think about that yet!

“I promise to take one day at a time.” – quote on the ring Nikki gave me, which I’ve been wearing on my ring finger. I like it. It sums up my year!

Hypocrites

March 30, 2009.


Chatted with one of my best ladies from the east coast yesterday. Told her about Seattle and my upcoming trip. She shared a little about her current..."thing", I'm not sure what to call it yet, but she said she never really wants to talk about it too much, because when she's done that in the past things never seem to work out. I know exactly what she means. You hype something up to your friends and then either you end up feeling like you have to make it as good as it sounds, even when it's not, or just suck it up and admit you were wrong. I've been keeping Seattle a bit of a secret. I think I have the same superstition that something might go terribly wrong if I share my happy thoughts too soon.

Chatted with Seattle again (twice) yesterday. It's funny because I never ever want to hang up the phone with him, and yet I feel like I always find myself in a situation where I have to go. I'm always rushing. I'd never want him to think that I am in fact rushing the convo, perhaps that's why I always need to call him again.

I realized after our conversation last night that he makes me feel normal. I don't have to put on a show or hide anything about myself. It's the nicest feeling. He makes me feel great. I shared with him some exciting news about my acting career and his reaction said it all. He was just as excited as I am. I appreciated that. It's hard to find people, even friends who genuinely get excited that things are going your way. People are always jealous or too concerned with themselves to care if things are going well with you.

Rick called me this morning. I avoided it. Let him leave a message. I couldn't help but laugh when I listened to it. He was apologizing for "drunk dialing" me the other night from the bar and explained the situation with the older woman again. Apparantly, she was 50 and "when did it become ok for women that age to hit on him"?? Hmm...now if i do the math correctly, that's 14 years older than him. He is 12 years older than me. When did it become ok for men that age to hit on me?? Ha. I mean I don't really think of him as being "too old" for me, but it's funny to see how he reacts when the situation is reversed. Guys are so dumb.

Well...the roomie or "little bro" as I'll call him, is getting cooler each day. He text me last night while I was at improv and asked if I wanted him to save me some dinner he was cooking. How sweet. When I got home, we ended up chatting for about an hour and I learned that he is uber talented. He not only d.j's, but he break dances, produces amazing music videos, edits, draws incredibly and wants to act. I'm excited to be surrounded with talent that definitely is going to go somewhere. So different than Margaret's unmotivated spirit that loomed over the apartment. I'm hopeful.

Well, let the countdown begin...18 days till Washington. Psyched.

Fate?

March 22, 2009

Spent today on set again, it was pretty miserable. Thought about Seattle a lot. He sent me a text saying he needed my email because he wants to write me something more substantial (than a text msg.), so I gave him my email and told him I better receive a letter by the time I get home.

At the end of the day one of the guys on set started chatting with me and trying to remember my name (we had introduced ourselves earlier) and he kept guessing, I was not giving him any clues and he said, “Man, this will be really awkward when I ask for your number later.” Ugh. So he finally got it and he did in fact ask for the digits. I avoided saying yes or no and we got sidetracked with checking out, but he stuck around. Then approached me again while I was waiting for Miguel and asked for my number a second time. Another extra came over and accidentally cock blocked, thank goodness, so I stalled for another two minutes. Then he asked a third time and I said, “Well, the thing is, I don’t date and usually the only reason guys want a number is because they’re interested in dating.” Whenever I say, “I don’t date” what I really mean is “I’m not going to have sex with you.” Maybe I should just start saying that instead, because I don’t think guys get it. So, I gave him my number and told him I just wanted to be clear. Weird. It was also strange because we had barely talked all day and on top of that I literally looked like shit. Why would anyone find me attractive at that moment in time?

Got off set by 5pm, rushed Miguel home, stopped by my house for two seconds and literally the moment I got home, I checked my email and found no message from Seattle, I started to leave and my phone beeped, it was a text from him saying he just sent it. I glanced at my comp screen and saw an email had just popped up entitled, “Fate?” I didn’t have time to read it. I rushed to improv.

Made it to improv on time. Received the honor of being elected the new captain of ‘Detour Improv Comedy’ – eek, more responsibility. Ran our rehearsal, which was way weird for me to do, but I think I’ll adjust quickly. Tanya noticed that my ring had moved from my left to my right since the last time we saw eachother. I explained that I hadn’t done it intentionally, but had left it because it just feels more natural on my right anyway. She replied, “Oh, I thought you just met someone” and I said, “Well, I did.”

Got home just about an hour ago now. Wanted to call Seattle on my ride home, but I don’t know what’s kosher yet or not. Read his email. It was just what I wanted to hear. I’m gonna leave it at that for now, because I want to kind of keep it solely for me. I rarely do that with things. But this one’s for my eyes only.

I’m extremely exhausted and have to get up again tomorrow at 5am, so I’m off to sleep, but I’ll give more details on stuff tomorrow.

Wanted: Boyfriend, pay rate: xoxoxo

March 15, 2009

I want a boyfriend. But what else is new, right? It’s getting to the point where I don’t like hearing people talk about their boyfriends and relationships, because I can’t help but think, “If you have one, why don’t I?”

I went to The Barrel last night with C's peeps, tried to get Encino to join me, but no luck. I had an ok time, I’m just tired of the bar scene because I don’t want to get wasted and I don’t want to meet a future boyfriend there. So, it becomes a bit pointless.

I’m just amazed that I have no one that interests me and no one interested in me (besides Ray) that wants something more than a hookup.

I text Lindsay last night for Liam’s number. She sent it to me and told me that I should apologize to him. I know I probably overreacted a bit that night, but, and maybe this is just my stubbornness coming out, I don’t really know why I’m the one who has to apologize. He blew me off like five times, got too wasted to hang out, more often then not, then when we finally did hang, he got drunk and left me hanging by myself. Yeah, I guess I was the jerk.

I’m glad I’m gaining lots of girlfriends this year because I’d go nutty with no friends and no boyfriend. At least girlfriends give me quite the distraction; provide me with something else to do.

Hmmm. On set today at LMU for a grad film I’m in. There are three boys in the cast, one’s gay, one’s going back to NYC in a week and the third, I’m not sure yet. There is a boy that’s working on the crew who just seems genuinely nice. And I’m finally finding that attractive. Wow, took long enough. I might have to miss improv again tonight, but I’m kind of exhausted still so I don’t really mind. I can go home to my empty apartment, and fall asleep wherever I choose to and sleep until my doc apt. tomorrow. Sounds wonderful to me. Just wish I had someone to cuddle with. *sigh*. It’ll happen.

I'm Broken...

March 1, 2009.

Happy March folks! Here’s to another month single! Where do I begin? So much happens within 24 hours…

Went out to see a friend in a play last night, afterwards we all went out to ‘Yogurtland’. Got a text from Band member #1, saying he wanted to cuddle. I thought, what the heck…what do I have to lose? I took a chance and drove all the way down to Redondo Beach, making the directions up as I went along, the whole time being optimistic and thinking, “Maybe he’s a great kisser and we’ll have terrific chemistry and I’ll fall for him…”

Well, that didn’t happen. Not even close. I arrived at his hotel, and apparently he wasn’t there, he was at the beach and there was “drama”. So I waited for 15 min and text him telling him I didn’t have time for drama. So he told me to meet him down by the beach, so I drove as close as I could and no sign of him. Then I decided to leave. I text him, “Alright, I’m heading home.” And he text me something about how he was walking back to the hotel with some drunk girl…I’d heard enough. I drove off.

But the weird thing was, even though I put myself out there, I wasn’t upset to be coming home alone. I think it’s because I don’t really have feelings for him. Which is a new thing I’m discovering: hooking up just ain’t as fun when you really don’t care about the person.

Today I slept late, got up and went for a nice long run then called Ray. He just moved to his new place yesterday and we were going to celebrate today. So we made lunch plans. I went to Ralph’s on my way and picked up a bamboo plant as a house warming present. It represents good luck and purity (ironically enough). I bought one for myself as well. I got to Ray’s around 3pm, he showed me his place, it’s quite cute.

Then we walked to get lunch. And walked…and walked…and walked. I sweat…and sweat…and sweat. It was humiliating. By the time we got to lunch, I was drenched with sweat. Ray reassured me it was “sexy”. Now what is wrong with me that I can’t get into a man that thinks my sweat is sexy???? Argh!!!

I actually really enjoyed spending the day with Ray, despite the perspiration. He is so damn cute. And that accent…killer. I told him I had to leave by 5:30pm for my improv tonight, which was a lie, I had until 6:30, I just wasn’t sure earlier if I was going to need an out or not. But truth be told, I wanted to spend more time with him.

I’m honestly dying for a day of lounging with him. I enjoy his company a lot and I just want a day that we can just be. Just be and not have to do anything. I think I’d thoroughly enjoy it. Ugh. I just want to be comfortable around someone. Just be myself. And here in front of me is this guy who I most definitely could be myself around, my plain jane, sweaty, goofy self, and he’d still want me.

What’s my damage??

Humph.

How Old is too Old?

February 15, 2009.

So I’ve had Ray on the brain all day and haven’t stopped smiling. How old is too old? And should we put a limit on age for relationships? I was also thinking today, that if I ever dated Ray, for reals, would I flip out on my 30th if we were still together and go through a mini crisis about him looking at younger girls? (He’d be 44 at that time btw…yikes!) I feel like then the age difference doesn’t seem so grand. A 30yr old woman dating a 44-yr. old man. Not so bad, right?

Ugh, well, I haven’t much to report on the man front today, since I spent 90% of my day in bed…just for fun and 10% at improv, where we all know the men are mostly engaged or taken. Ray did text me this morning and wants to hang out on Friday for his birthday. I didn’t respond yet, and he called and left me a message saying the same thing. I’m trying to not be so anxious and screw up anything by being too anxious too soon.

Um, this week shall be interesting my friend Mark is flying in from NY. We’ve been BF since highschool and he’s coming to cali for family reasons, but I’m picking him up from the airport tomorrow bright and early, then have to be back up here for an Improv show. Then I have a few gigs lined up this week. I am going to make $400 this week. Yes I am. So, I will most likely be busy. Then Friday is Ray, Lindsay’s and our friend Crazy’s birthday. I kind of already know what I want to get Ray, but I’m not sure I should buy him anything, just yet.

We shall see. Updates Manana.

Ba-donk-a-donk

January 11, 2009.

Meant to go to church this morning with Margaret. Woke up with every intention to, was getting ready, then we just sort of ran out of time. We decided to take a walk down to Starbucks and chat over coffee. Today was absolutely beautiful outside, perfect day for a stroll!

Felt like (maybe I’m just being narcissistic) lots of guys were checking us out at Starbucks today. Maybe it’s cuz I spent that little extra time on myself for the music video I had to go to later. I don’t know, but I kind of felt like a movie star.

Had to be in Pasadena by 1pm to start work on a Country Music Video I got cast in. I was running 20 min late and got there only to discover that it was only the director, my co-star and a camera. Lasted longer than we thought, so I had to miss Improv this evening. Which, I feel really guilty about and have decided for at least the next two months I will no longer schedule anything on Sundays to ensure that I make it to Detour.

My co-star was quite adorable and quite tall. I believe he was 6’7”. I’m only 5’2”, so it’s quite the contrast! He’s 24 and has been out in LA for two years. He was sweet, but I found myself having no interest in making idle chit chat. I was kind of socialized out. Lots of silent moments. However, while waiting for the lighting to be perfected and the camera angle to be figured out, I did find myself wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone that tall. Awkward, I would imagine. You could never kiss while making love. I would hate that! I need to be kissed!

My mind wanders to that a lot. Sex. I wonder if everyone thinks about it as much as I do or if I’m weird. I don’t think about it in the aspect of, “Ooh I wish I were having sex right now….” Or “I’d like to have sex with that!” I just find myself generally curious about the guys I meet and what they must be like in bed. Is that normal?

Well, neither my director or co-star mentioned my ring today. But, like I said, none of us were in a very chatty mood, so maybe they noticed, but just weren’t interested in finding out. Hmm…extra work tomorrow. Might be working with Neil and Miguel again, which would be nice, but I do kind of hope I have lots of time to myself. I’d like to read/write and contemplate things for a bit. We shall see!

Singing Pornstars...

January 7, 2009.


2:00am.

I think the ring has an adverse effect on guys that already know me.

Went to "pornstar karaoke" tonight with some ex coworkers of mine. Had a good time. Nikki and I dressed like pornstars…we were the only ones that got that memo. I ran into Brad from Improv, he didn’t recognize me at first with my porno get-up. Someone compared me to that girl from Big Love…ugh, I hate that! Sure, she’s a successful actress already and she’s years younger than me, but I’m prettier than that, right??

Well, to get to the point, one of my ex coworkers, Mike, was getting on my nerves. The story starts back in May sometime when we got drunk and made out…all night long. I realized after that I had no interested in pursuing him any further. I get drunk, I get affectionate, what can I say? However, he felt like pursuing me further. So a week or so later we went for drinks again. Only I stuck to one drink only and he got pretty buzzed. We decided to head out and he expected to hook up again. I politely turned down his offer, "Thanks, but I’m tired, I really need my sleep tonight." He begged and pleaded and reminded me of what "a good time we had last time…" That’s what he thinks! So I stuck with my original, thanks, but no thanks. He got quite offended. I think he even left pouting.


Now, being a sensible person, I would think that that would be the end of it. Well, tonight, Mike got extremely drunk and I stuck with my one beer only policy. He flirted and touched and danced. I tried hard to be polite and remember, "he’s just drunk." But, I know now that it’s more than him just being drunk. He started in on the ring. Laughing at it, saying it’s ridiculous, blah blah blah. Then with his next beer came the next level. Jokingly explaining to me how hurt he really is. Or maybe he was just being an ass. Here’s his routine:


"You know, I only hooked up with 5 girls last year, but you’re the only one I really cared about. (Pause) No wait, it was 8. One, lasted three months…she got clingy. But you know, whatever, it was a nice June 22. (Pause for creepy effect) Just kidding, I don’t remember exactly when it was, but you know, we had fun!"


Um…is he really still talking about that one night I was drunk and let him sleep over and we made out a little? Oh my goodness. Get over it! They say guys move on quicker than girls do. Is that really true? I think not.


Wearing the ring tonight was nice. I talked flirtatiously to a guy but kept in mind that if it in fact advanced, and the exchanging of numbers was to be mentioned, I would kindly say "no thanks". It felt nice to have that power. Also, it felt nice to know that I wouldn’t be bringing home another mistake like Mike, who would just keep rehashing one night every time we saw one another.


I need to find more activities to keep myself busy. Coming home to an empty bed every night might make me go insane. So, I’ll just keep extremely active so that I fall right asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow each and every night.


I know Mr. Right’s out there. At least I’m hoping he is. I’m willing to wait, I just hope I don’t have to wait too long. I’ve decided, as another "rule" for myself is to not make this ring thing keep me from finding Mr. Right. Going on dates is acceptable, however, no sleepovers, and no makeout sessions. That way I can still meet guys, figure out if I enjoy their company and then have no regrets and no more notches on my bedpost. I like giving myself that little bit of freedom.


I better get busy…quick!


9:44pm and ready for bed.

So I totally had intentions of being social this evening. I was driving home from my audition when I received a text from Anthony. I met him from a film we both worked on as extras about a month ago. He liked me immediately. I tried to be completely clear in the fact that I was not/am not looking for a relationship right now.

Anywho, we’ve hung out a few times and since then I’ve been scarce in his life due to holidays and the fact that I feel like I’m only leading him on by accepting his invitations. Well, he texts me tonight telling me that he was having a party at his place, “8ish”. I strongly considered going. I came home, made myself a lovely gnocchi dinner and had some plum wine. I was feeling sociable. Then the phone rang and I got a job for tomorrow. I’m working “Kath and Kim” as a spectator at a Roller Derby at 5:30am. No way am I hanging out tonight. It’s not even ten yet and I’m in p.j.’s, teeth brushed, face washed, contacts out and ready for as close to eight hours of sleep as possible.

I’m a true professional! Well, tomorrow is sure to bring about some adventures, so I’ll update manana!

Sweet Dreams of Prince Charming and world where you don’t need him!

Church + Improv = Happiness?

January 4, 2009.

Let’s see…what to say about today. Well, woke up early enough to join Margaret at church. Something we’re trying out this year. Church was good. It was a sermon about being a better Christian and the tools you need to succeed.

The last time we went to this church I moved the ring back to my right hand. It just didn’t seem right having a false presentation of myself. And the way I saw it was, it’s not like guys are going to be picking you up in church, so there’s really no threat to being single here. However, this time I kept it on my left. I think I’m gonna try to never move it over, just so I get used to it and almost forget it’s even there.

Now, even though I’m in a house of God, I can’t help but think about the men around me. It’s just interesting. I find Christian men rather intimidating. I grew up surrounded by Christian men and they just always seemed so much stricter than others did. My father was a Christian man, but he was also a rather cheerful and humorous person. He did have quite the anger within him though. I think I associate wrath with men of faith as well. Which is sort of ironic.
But every time I go to church or am in a situation where there are religious men my age, I can’t help but think, "This is who I don’t want to marry". Sounds backward, but it’s true.

Went to improv tonight. Small group this evening, only four of us. Three girls and one guy. Now, I know I seem to have my focus on men, but that’s the whole point of this blog. To study men, while at the same time warding them off with my ring of abstinence!
Right when I got there we started talking about holidays and family. I brought up an argument that I had recently with my sister. Which in turn led to a discussion on marriage. I discovered that Brad, the only male improviser this evening, finds that dating a girl for three years should be the defining moment. "After three years you know if you want to marry them or not." I agree, but I think even sooner, you’d probably be able to tell. I think within the first year you know whether there is long term potential or not. Then you decide to stick with it and when you feel the timing is right, you take the next step.

I’m still undecided about marriage myself. Every time I think about it I just don’t see the point. But instinctually I always catch myself thinking, "Well, when I get married…" or "The guy I’m going to marry…"

The "ex" tried to friend me on myspace today. I immediately denied the request. May seem childish but I have to keep him out of my life in order to separate myself fully from that moment in my past. It just made me angry. I really, honestly saw myself marrying him. It just felt good. And here he is without the balls to pick up a phone and call me, so he simply friend requests me on myspace. Why are guys such pussy’s?? Argh! It’s been bothering me all day, even though I told myself I wouldn’t let it.

Well, I apologize that this weekend has been fairly uneventful and uninformative. I’m trying to set up plans next week to be much more social. Going out on Wednesday with my girlfriend Nikki. She always attracts attention (she’s a model, literally), so in turn I get the run off. Should be fun! This week better prove to make me stronger than I feel at this moment or it’s gonna be one LONG year!