'Look around your world, pretty baby, is it everything you hoped it'd be??'

June 9, 2009.

1:45am.

Just walked in the door from one of the busiest, yet most rewarding days of my life. Started with an audition for a pilot this morning (didn't do wonderfully, so not really expecting a call), then straight to acting class where my teacher made me feel really good about my upcoming audition this Thursday...we'll see if his technique gets me the job. I'll be stoked if it makes a vast difference in booking gigs. Then I came home and freaked out for awhile trying to get the sides(script) that I needed to rehearse with my scene partner for Wednesday's class. Had no luck, we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Oy.

Then rushed to a film fest where one of my friends had a film showing and then rushed to rehearsal for the female quartet I'm in. Then, last but not least had an impromptu ladies night with Jess and Nikki at Mexicali. It was mucho needed.

A little recap of last nights adventures. I got off work earlier than expected and text Todd. He wanted to do dinner and a movie. So I ran to fed ex and then ran home to shower and got ready just in time. Got more crap from the neighbors about my sat. night party, so I vented to Todd the whole way to the theater. I apologized for venting.

We took too long getting food, so we only had appetizers and then went to see “The Hangover”. Truly funny, but I feel like I was just too distracted by life in general to be able to really enjoy it. Held hands with Todd the whole movie and was really annoyed. He kept picking at my fingernails and it was really uncomfortable and then he would like rub the bone at the base of my thumb and it was equally uncomfortable. That could have something to do with why I wasn't paying attention to the movie. I wanted to rip my hand away.

But, it was nice to have a normal date for once. He dropped me at home, knowing he couldn't come in and I couldn't go back with him, we're both busy people. So we kissed goodnight and he said, “I'll call you.” You'd better call me. Ha.

I don't know if I mentioned but at the party the other night I was sitting on his lap at one point and I remember kissing him and he smiled and said, “I'm glad you gave me a second chance.” And I smirked and replied, “I haven't given you a second chance yet...” and he goes, “I see how it is.”

I don't know. Today I just couldn't help but feel like I'm making a mistake by being with Todd. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. But, I just don't think we're meant to be with one another. I want to be with someone that I can't get out of my mind. Someone who makes me giddy just by texting. Someone who can make me laugh so hard I cry. Someone who never makes me cry. That person is most likely not Todd. *sigh*

It's so wrong of me, but I just don't know how to tell him this and I keep hoping that my busy-ness keeps him at bay and maybe I can use that as an excuse...

Humph. So, Seattle's been on my brain tonight. Wanted to text him just to say 'hi'. It's not that I find myself missing him, but I do find myself thinking of him every once in awhile. His birthday was about a week ago. I purposely didn't text/call/email or write about in this blog because honestly, I wanted him to be sad about it. I know, real mature. I kept wanting to text him something mean like, “Hey, happy birthday, try not to repeat mistakes and avoid Becks.” But, I knew that would be stupid and mean for no reason. I was just feeling bitter.

Well, I thought about emailing him tonight and saying something like, “I'm glad we're not talking because it makes it easier...” Sadly enough, it does make it easier. I don't want to think about all the girls that have come into his life recently. I'm sure he doesn't want to think about the boys in mine, yet he'll occasionally check my blog. When he misses me, I suppose.

I've been a jerk and have purposely been avoiding talking about him so that he can't get the satisfaction of knowing he's still on my brain. I guess the jig is up now, if he checks. Oh well, I'll probably regret this in the morning, but for now it's what i'm thinking about and it's the truth. Humph again.

Alright, exhaustion is hitting. Ta ta for now kiddos!

A little Lost

April 21, 2009.

Woke up today and found myself sad that I wasn’t waking up in Washington, lying next to Seattle. I found myself wandering around my room last night not sure what to do with myself. Lost.

Woke up around noon, needed to get out of the house. It’s so strange that I was only gone for the weekend and yet now my normal life feels foreign to me.

Got a text from Seattle: “Hope your flight went well and you made it home from the airport ok. I skipped my class this morning but am going to try to go to my evening classes. Feeling a little better, but missing you.”

This is a first. We never say, “I miss you”. I think it’s because before we felt we had spent such little time together that it was impossible to “miss” someone you don’t really know. But, I miss him too.

I’m going to need to snap out of this soon though. I’m sure that once I go back to work and start auditioning, etc, etc, I’ll feel fine and happy again. It was interesting how much I liked being in Seattle. I really enjoyed the anonymity that came along with it. Sometimes I reconsider my decision to be an actress for the simple fact that life seems to be more peaceful for those with real jobs and simple habits. I liked that feeling of peace.

I watched “Marley & Me” on the plane last night and it made me want to fall in love with someone so deeply that I want nothing more than to have a family and be with them. It was such a terrific love story. I want to have a terrific love story.

BM#1 text me this morning as well, “What are you doing tomorrow?” I told him I wasn’t sure and may be working. He didn’t like that answer. Apparently they’re playing in LA at the Knitting Factory and he wants to hang out. I told him he has really bad timing because “I’m sort of seeing someone and I’m not sure where it’s going and I also don’t know what good can come of seeing [him]. What’s the point?” Sounded a little harsh, but that’s how I’m feeling. And apparently he didn’t get the last bit of the message, so I guess maybe it didn’t sound as harsh to him. Which, I think maybe the universe was intervening to not hurt his feelings too much.

Oh boys. What ever shall I do with you? Not much on the horizon for this evening, except for a little alone time which I will most likely spend moping. I’m such a baby!

Happy April!

April 1, 2009.

Humph. Went to bed happily imagining falling asleep next to Seattle in 16 days…can’t wait. We chatted last night before bed, I love having evening convo’s with him. He inspires me to be healthier, smarter, and in turn makes me happier.

I had been thinking that I wanted to bring him a gift or something when I go to visit. I had been racking my brain and finally decided I think I shall make him dinner one of those nights. So I asked him last night what his favorite meal is and he basically told me, “pasta”. Well, that would be super easy, but I want a bigger challenge. We ended up talking about food for about a half an hour; both our inner fat kids were drooling. But I think I’ve figured out what it is I’ll be making. Meatloaf. Mmm…sounds delicious, right?

Well, I have a recipe for it that my brother in law made up so I’m going to attempt it. I have never before attempted such a thing, so I might have to do a trial run before I get to Washington.

I don’t have much to update with right now, the day is fairly young. I have an audition in a few hours that I’m uber excited for. It’s for a video project that a superbly talented photographer is making. I would have to be ok with nudity…and I think I am, after looking over her work, she does it extremely tastefully. I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of nudity. Sometimes I wonder, “why did it ever become such a shunned thing?” I mean it’s everyone’s most natural state and it’s beautiful. It’s a shame that we can’t all be comfortable and confident in our birthday suits.

Anywho, going out with Nikki and Lacey tonight. We’re hitting up trivia night at a local bar, so I’m sure I’ll have adventures to share later!

"You Make Me Feel Normal"

March 27, 2009

I hate when I miss a day and have to catch up. Last night was all Seattle’s fault. I got home and called to hear a story about his day and was too tired after chatting that I went to bed instead of writing my blog. I apologize.

Yesterday, woke up nice an early to make myself purty for an audition. Then had the rest of the day to workout and do laundry. I’m quite proud of myself actually for how much I managed to accomplish. Heard from my new roommate! I have mixed emotions because I need a roomie, but am dreading that I won’t be living alone anymore after tomorrow morning. He seems decent though and I think we’ll have a lot of fun.

Lee was teasing me last night saying, “You know, I hear stories of people moving in together and hitting it off and starting to date.” No, Lee, I think not. Not with this one.

(*side note: at the coffee shop right now and some guy just totally “eye fucked” me as he walked out the door, never really get that, but it wasn’t at all pleasant. About as pleasant as a one night stand, “ooh intriguing…um wait, what are you doing…no no that’s not good at all…ok just stop.”)

Lots on my mind today, not really sure where to begin. Let’s see, talked to Seattle yesterday right after my audition. I had sent him a heartfelt email the night before accidentally, instead of saving it as a draft, I pushed send and sent it incomplete. I was completely embarrassed and wrote a follow up saying I hadn’t meant to send it just yet and I apologized if anything I said was strange. I told him about my fears of him being so recently divorced. I didn’t want him to feel rushed into anything he wasn’t ready for. I myself am not sure what I really want from this situation, but I know that I really enjoy him.

He told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and the email was just fine. I had text him about my new roomie earlier that day and he sent me back, “…let me get back to you in a bit, I’ll have a story for you.”

So, I went for a walk with Lee last night, we ended up having a heart to heart. I told her how odd it is that I like Seattle this much, it’s very unusual for me. She commented on how different he is than the guys I usually go for, which is true. Also, she asked if his age was a problem. I had been wary about Ray due to the fact that he was 39…eek and also about Rick, who was 36, but 34 seems to be the perfect number. She stated, “Well, the others just didn’t fit, but this one does, so the age doesn’t matter.” Very wise, Lee, very wise…

When I got home I finally got to talk to Seattle about his story. He told me that the woman he had had a fling with not too long ago got upset when he mentioned me, they’re still friends and he thought it was ok to talk about me. He didn’t tell me many details about what was said, but apparently after school they went back to his place to discuss it. I found myself getting upset listening to the story. I kept thinking, “Why’d you have to discuss it further at your place? Did anything else happen?” But, I quickly calmed my thoughts, realizing I was being irrational. It’s hard, because I always try to be super sensitive when I’m interested in a guy and not worry about the relationships/friendships that came before me. It’s not my place to interfere with them since they were established way before “we” were. But, it takes a lot of strength, not gonna lie. The fact that he even told me about it proves he’s a very trustworthy guy. He didn’t have to say anything. I like that.

Oh yeah, one of the best things a guy has ever told me, “You make me feel normal.” That’s what Seattle told me on the phone last night. It made me smile. I like that too.

We chatted for a bit longer and I enjoyed listening to his stories about work, etc. I enjoy how smart he is. Every time we talk I just want to absorb everything I can.

Haven’t heard from him yet today, but I also haven’t text and he’s at work. I really need to plan a trip to Seattle. I realized yesterday, I need something to look forward to.

Randomly heard from Rick today. He called; I hesitated before picking up the phone. He’s back from tour and wants to grab a drink/food tonight. Our phone convo was a little awkward, but even when we were “dating” it was awkward. I’d like to see him, but not sure what we really have to talk about. We were never really friends, so I wonder if it’s possible for us to be friends now. I’m totally not interested in anything other than a friendship, and I hope he realizes that. He leaves again in a week or so for another tour…busy man. Makes me thankful I didn’t fall for him, he’d constantly be off experiencing amazing things in other countries and I’d be lonely, sad and jealous. Not a good relationship.

I have a need to be social tonight though, I feel a funk coming on…not sure what that’s about. Maybe it’s my period. Not to give TMI, but it’s been a whole year since I’ve had a visit from Aunt flo, so I’ve forgotten the weird emotional mood swings that come to town in her baggage. Humph. Gotta get out of that quick!

Everything heals in time...

March 23, 2009.

On set. Ray’s here. Not as awkward as I imagined. Thank goodness. I avoided him at first, since the whole birthday thing was pretty bad, but he approached me today to say hi and we chatted for a bit. It was nice. It actually felt normal and not weird to sit next to him. He actually felt like a friend, but at the same time, I was comfortable and wanted to put my arm around him and tell him I missed him (as a friend) but knew that would just stir up other emotions in him and I just didn’t want to go there. But I feel as if we can be cool from this point on. Good.

Ok, so I was walking around set and every time I’m walking around a studio set, I can’t help but think, “I’m a star” and not in a snobby, I’m better than everyone else sort of way, but in a I belong here, sort of way. My whole walk changes; my confidence rises and heads turn. Ok, yeah, so I’m a blonde in a short skirt and boots, but that has nothing to do with it…

Seattle’s on my mind. Whenever I think about him I can’t help but smirk. The thing I really appreciated about his email was the fact that he wasn’t overly “I’m so in to you, please be my girl, I need you, can’t live with out you, blah blah yuck!!”

I think what I want and what I’ve gained from meeting him is the knowledge that there’s a nice guy out there, who could potentially be great in my future. But for right now, we’re both in different places. He’s living far north, working on his law degree and totally going to be financially stable within the next couple years. I’m living in the city of sin and planning my rise to fame within the next year and half. We’re busy people chasing our dreams and if our dreams happen to coincide one day, I think I’d like that. But no rush. I believe in fate, so if something is meant to be, it will be…
* * *
Got home about an hour ago and am completely wiped out. I have one if not two more days ahead of me on this shoot. Plus, if I’m lucky, I get to go to an audition tomorrow after work. I really hope it works out. I had to miss an audition today that I was rather excited about, but I honestly couldn’t give up the pay.

Anywho, received a text from my first love tonight. He’s drinking a beer with one of our mutual best friends and I guess they were thinking of me. I always love the surprise texts from him. It’s reassuring that after all the time that’s passed we can still pop into eachothers heads and have amiable feelings. I like that a lot. It definitely took some time, but it worked out. I text him back that I was jealous and wished I could join them. Didn’t get a response yet…it’ll come within the next month. That’s how we roll.

My whole body is yelling at me to stop writing and go to sleep, but I keep feeling like my day is incomplete. I wanted to pick up the phone and call Seattle the moment I walked through the door and tell him about my day. I’ve wanted to do that every day since I met him. But, I’d feel weird and not sure how he would like that. It’s been awhile since there’s been someone in my life I feel like I can call and chat with about menial things. Humph. Why’s he gotta live so far? Ha, ok, so patience is a virtue and I’m trying really hard these days to be a patient person. Maybe this is supposed to teach me even further.

Alright I’m about to pas..s..o..u….zzzzzzzzzzz.

Titties and kinky hair...

February 24, 2009.

Went to “Metal School” last night with Chris and his friends. It was pretty wild. Lots of Titties and random washed up celebs. It was nice to see Chris though. It’s literally been an entire year. I haven’t seen him since last February. And we only just met last January.

I dared to be bold and I wore tight, tight purple pants and did my makeup a little wild. It was fun to be not quite me. The whole night was very fun but I’m getting old! We stayed till close and at 2am the guys were all going to keep the party going, but I couldn’t do it. I needed a little bit of beauty sleep. So, I said my good-byes. Gave Chris a big hug and he kissed me on the forehead. Then headed home for a few hours of sleep.

Today, I made it to my audition, Thank God and even managed to memorize a bit of the monologue sent to me in my email. It was ok, nothing groundbreaking. Then Miguel and Lee and I were going to go see a taping of ‘Chelsea Lately’ but we arrived too late and got put on stand-by only to be told there was no room at the inn.

I came home and tried to get a bit of sleep before wing night at ‘C’s’. No doin’. So I brushed up my makeup and walked to C’s.

Met Miguel and Lee, got our happy hour drinks and chatted. About an hour after we arrived Laurie walked in and sat across from us at the bar. Laurie works at the Vespa store next to the restaurant and liked Nikki back in the day, but they didn’t really hit it off. I think he’s adorable, but he’s totally off limits. Super nice guy, though. Always hugs hello and tells me to stop by and say ‘hi’ at his store. Maybe I will, Laurie, maybe I will.

Text convo’d with Encino a bit while I was there. He’s adorable and wants to hang out this week. Yes I will, Encino, yes I will. I hope we actually do though, he’s awesome.

And Adain text me to ask if I could pick him up from the airport, but I was already at C’s and drinking a beer…so I actually said “No”. Wow. I don’t usually do that. But, the way I looked at it was, sure he came to my rescue the other week, however, he’s still not completely excused from being an asshole. He’s got some work to do.

Ah well…off to sleep for me. I’m exhausted and just got a small job for tomorrow and an audition, so again, beauty sleep much needed.

Night night.

Just Weird.

February 23, 2009.

Ok, so real quick. The party the other night was absolutely ridiculous. Two fights broke out, there was lots of weed everywhere and a keg. Nuts. I knew about five people there, so I stuck with those I knew. At the end of the night is when things got interesting. I went to say goodnight to Crazy and he was dancing in the living room. I gave him big hugs and he said “I wanna see you…does that go both ways” and I said, “yeah, give me a call”. Then there was this really weird moment when we almost kissed, I kinda wanted to, but he didn’t make the move, so I didn’t either. Weird.

Then I went to say goodbye to the other guys that were there and I exchanged numbers with two of them and told ‘em we have to hang out. Then one of them walked me out and I offered him a ride home since he lives relatively close and he was planning on taking a cab. I dropped him off and he invited me up…. what? You crazy? I don’t think I ever made it seem like I was interested in that way, but he did overhear me having a conversation at the party about my “engagement ring” and how it’s not real. I think that gave him ideas. Ugh. I politely declined and drove off.

Weird, weird, weird. Well, I guess that’s really all the stories I have about that party. It felt like more when it was happening I suppose.

Yesterday I worked on a music video. Pure hell. Random fact: Shia LaBoeuf directed it. While waiting for my pay at the end of the night this guy in line kept talking to me. I kept turning my back and barely answering him so that he would get the point, but he didn’t’. I hate extra work!

Today I worked as an 11-year-old kid again. Pretty fun…but that’s it on the man front. Haven’t heard from Ray, I think he’s a little embarrassed about his unrequited feelings. He was supposed to call and tell me if he got his apt today or not. I’m assuming that the news wasn’t as good as he was hoping, and maybe that’s why he hasn’t called. Who knows.

Anyway, I’m going to Key Club to meet up with my friend Chris who’s in town from Chicago. Haven’t seen him in a year and I think he’s very excited to see me. As am I to see him. I’m actually going there by myself though, which is pretty weird. I don’t do that…So, we shall see what tonight has in store.

I’m an idiot, I have an audition tomorrow morning, but I’m a rockstar, so sleep, I shall do without! Later!

Day Two and going strong

I was unable to get an internet connection in my apartment last night, unfortunately, but wrote this anyway so that I could post it today. Better late than never, right?

January 2, 2009

Second day of the year and I feel fantastic! I got my eight hours of sleep like I resolved to do. Got up at a reasonable hour. Checked my email, found out I had an audition this evening. Worked out for a bit (thank you Wii Fit for teaching me such an awesome workout). Then ran a few errands before heading out to my 6 o’clock audition.
I didn’t have many interactions with the male species today, but one thing I do notice about my ring is that it gives me quite an empowered feeling. When I get up, I have no one to impress. When I go to the store, I have no one to impress. When I work out, I’m doing it completely for myself and no one else. It’s wonderfully freeing!

So I went to my audition this evening feeling happy, confident and extremely nervous. It was for a role in a feature horror film. Seemingly perfect for me since last January I was off in Chicago filming a horror movie. I presented myself and I acted my heart out. I seduced, I screamed, I was horrified. Then the director asked me to improvise the seduction scene once again, only this time the reader (a rather adorable man with a scruffy beard and uncombed hair) was to be on camera with me. The director placed him in a chair and told me to move from behind him and "maybe sit on his lap". So I seduced this adorable scruffy man. It wasn’t hard at all to "pretend" to be attracted to him. God, I love acting!

Now here’s my dilemma…I tell myself that I’m spending a year wearing this ring in order to prove to myself I can survive without a man. But at the first sight of a potential conquest I can’t help but think about relationship stuff. How nice it would be to hit it off with this boy and go to movies and have sleepovers and long walks on the beach, blah, blah, barf.

How is it that society or I suppose human nature has made it impossible for a person to live without the hope of living along side someone else?? It baffles me that in this day in age, our most primal instinct is to find a mate.

On the drive home I reminded myself that "I am engaged", untouchable by the male species for the next 12 months. I still smile at the thought of this. I threw out a love letter from my ex today. I’ve never done that before, and to be honest, I’ll probably take it out of the trash before it’s permanent. But for now, it felt rather refreshing and I can’t wait to celebrate 12 months of not talking to him; he who broke my heart. The bastard. He’s not worth my thoughts, so this will be the last time I mention him, unless I need to mention something from the past in order for you, the reader, to better understand a current situation.

Ahh…day two, come and gone and just as satisfying as day one. I still remain positive and hopeful for this upcoming year...