Love Thyself...

May 22, 2009.

Would've been picking Seattle up from the airport right now if we hadn't changed our situation. Wow...a lot can happen in two weeks, can't it? Not gonna lie. Would much rather be driving to the airport right now than the potential plans I have.

Sadness. I've been avoiding texting him all night. After our conversation yesterday I just know I can't be friends with him. It just makes me too sad. It's not his fault, it's mine. Plus, he told me that me sleeping with someone else really helps him move on. Understandably, but it still hurts.

I just feel like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve love. My friend Nikki has one guy after another ready to commit lifelong. I can't even find one. She's not even done with her previous relationship yet and already has a guy asking for her heart. It's just not fair.

My boss and coworker Mike were “flirting” with me all night. I wore a bit of a “cleavagy” dress to work and they were commenting all night, like usual. I was getting frustrated by it because I just feel so unwanted out here. I stopped my boss at one moment and said (jokingly, but really seriously), “How come I have you guys all in a tizzy, but no one ever asks me out?”

Seriously...how come no one ever asks me out? Besides creepsters that is.

CRAgent text me today. Most stupid and random text convo in the history of convo's, I'm not even going to put in what was said, because it was the most pointless back and forth of my life and it would be a waste of time to repeat it. After his last text I just didn't respond. What's the point? I don't really care to see him ever again.

I told Mike tonight at work (again jokingly, but really seriously) that I've decided to not touch a penis for the rest of the year. After I said it though, it got me to thinking...that's kind of an interesting challenge. I might just see how long I can actually do that. And I'm talking, flesh to flesh, not accidentally brushing by someone at work or something. The tally begins...

So, I've really got to start focusing on me. Becoming someone I really love so that in turn someone could love me. That's my new goal. Love myself.

Things I love about me:

-How much I exercise
-My eyes
-That I'm kinda funny...sometimes, when I wanna be
-That I can act, and dance funny and sort of sing
-That I'm a decent writer

Ok, so I gotta work on not being so humble also, because it kind of defeats the purpose of being proud. I hate to say things like, I'm a kickass actress. Cause then I feel too egotistical.

Alright...going over to my neighbor/coworkers for some drinks...my boss is gonna be there. Not gonna lie, he's pretty darn cute when he wants to be, but he is a cheater cheater and with a girl he's been dating forever, that has to know he's a no good scoundrel. I won't touch his penis! I promise!


*so it turns out I'm spending the night in...how depressing.

That "Mature Essence"

May 19, 2009. Update.

Still traveling...sitting in Chicago now, waiting for my final flight. I'm just wondering, what is the deal with older guys and me?? In the matter of 3 hours that I've been here waiting for my flight, I've had two older gentlemen strike up conversations with me. Now, I know, I know, just because they're chatting with me doesn't mean they're thinking sexual thoughts. But...it probably does. One even offered to buy me a drink while we waited for the plane. I actually said no!!! Well, I said, “Oh thanks, but I think I'm gonna go take a nap or something...” But that counts as a no, right? I'm proud of myself for not just saying, “Sure!” and then spending the next hour awkwardly chatting with this fifty something guy...

Text Lacey about this situation I'm in and told her I NEED to start meeting guys my age. She responded and said, “Well, what if when you're older it turns around and all the youngin's want ya?” Now there's a thought...I like it!

Why do you think older men hit on younger girls? Do you think they believe they actually have a real chance? Are younger girls too nice? How do you chat with someone and show them you don't want anything more than a nice conversation?

On top of this all, I am wearing my “engagement ring” on my left hand. No one's commented or noticed...

Bittersweet Symphony

April 20, 2009.

Sitting in Seattle airport right now trying not to cry. Said goodbye to Seattle about an hour ago now. I cried. I felt silly. I couldn’t help it. The tears just started coming out about an hour before I left and I couldn’t stop ‘em. I had such a lovely weekend and felt for a moment what it was like to have a great boyfriend to just hang out with.

Then reality hit me and before I knew it I was in a cab heading for the airport. Seattle would’ve driven me, but this morning he woke up with flu like symptoms and felt terrible all day long. He kept apologizing because we literally spent the whole day in bed. But there was nowhere I’d rather have been.

I actually enjoyed being there while he was sick, because it’s not like I’ll be able to do that very often and it made me feel like I was able to be a girlfriend, not just a guest.

Argh! I’m so frustrated right now. I’m mad at myself for being so sad right now. And I still don’t exactly know where it is that we stand. He looked over at me today and said, “Well, you’re definitely dateable”, in his dry sense of humor tone. So, I couldn’t really tell if he meant I was dateable and he wanted to date me or if I’m definitely dateable and should find someone else to be with.

I kept joking that all I want for my birthday next Saturday is him to be here. But, I really wasn’t joking and I was hoping that if I plant it into his brain enough times maybe, just maybe he’d show up at my door. I know it’s not really possible, but I can dream right?

I really do like my life in LA, but it sure would be great if I got to share it daily with an incredible guy.

So, I guess I’m not really “Abstaining Irene” anymore, but I guess I’m “abstaining from everyone but Seattle, Irene”. Not quite the same ring to it, but I like it.

Ugh, bittersweet…bittersweet.

How Old is too Old?

February 15, 2009.

So I’ve had Ray on the brain all day and haven’t stopped smiling. How old is too old? And should we put a limit on age for relationships? I was also thinking today, that if I ever dated Ray, for reals, would I flip out on my 30th if we were still together and go through a mini crisis about him looking at younger girls? (He’d be 44 at that time btw…yikes!) I feel like then the age difference doesn’t seem so grand. A 30yr old woman dating a 44-yr. old man. Not so bad, right?

Ugh, well, I haven’t much to report on the man front today, since I spent 90% of my day in bed…just for fun and 10% at improv, where we all know the men are mostly engaged or taken. Ray did text me this morning and wants to hang out on Friday for his birthday. I didn’t respond yet, and he called and left me a message saying the same thing. I’m trying to not be so anxious and screw up anything by being too anxious too soon.

Um, this week shall be interesting my friend Mark is flying in from NY. We’ve been BF since highschool and he’s coming to cali for family reasons, but I’m picking him up from the airport tomorrow bright and early, then have to be back up here for an Improv show. Then I have a few gigs lined up this week. I am going to make $400 this week. Yes I am. So, I will most likely be busy. Then Friday is Ray, Lindsay’s and our friend Crazy’s birthday. I kind of already know what I want to get Ray, but I’m not sure I should buy him anything, just yet.

We shall see. Updates Manana.