I've been found out!

March 21, 2009.

Received a text from Seattle today saying: “Sorry ur party didn’t go so well. I was anxiously awaiting a text or email and figured that reading ur blog would be the next best thing. Hope that doesn’t upset you or change anything…” Um, so I have a spy. I guess I’m not as well hidden as I thought or maybe I’m just bad at keeping secrets and let too much slip into our honesty filled convo’s. But, now I have a new blog follower…

It actually surprised me how okay I am with it. Yesterday, (and I called and told him this already) I even thought about just sending him the link. For some reason I really do want him to know everything, well, almost everything about me. Maybe it’s a test, maybe it’s comfort, but whatever it is, it’s strange. So he claims that he doesn’t hate me after reading it…yet.

It’s interesting because in life, I’m a pretty open book, so most people that have the pleasure of being near me, usually know lots and probably too much about me. However, this blog contains innermost thoughts and confessions that I would probably only tell my very best friends back on the East Coast. My sister doesn’t even read this blog!

But, I’m pretty comfortable with Seattle’s sneaky eyes glancing at this every now and then. And I promise, to myself and anyone who may actually read this ridiculous self indulgent blog, that I will remain true to my word and be as honest as humanly possible.

Will Seattle stick around? We shall see.

Spent another long day on set. Miguel was there, so at least there was some entertainment. It was funny, I started chatting with a few other guys on set today and for a mere moment thought two of them were pretty cute, but one casually mentioned his girlfriend and the other eventually mentioned his wife. This was more than ok with me, I wasn’t really interested in more than a friendly conversation. But at one point, I looked to the right of me and there was Miguel and guy with a girlfriend sitting on the bench and to the left of me was married guy. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I give off these vibes lately that I’m “safe” because I’ve noticed the guys on set I tend to meet and chat with and get along with are all usually in committed relationships. I must just send out a silent signal that tells them I’m not a threat and if they want to chat about their lovely ladies, I’m all ears and won’t be a jealous bitch. Pardon mon français. Or perhaps is as simple as I can tell they’re safe.

I had Seattle on my brain all day. I just kept thinking about seeing him again. How much I wish I had the option to spend more time with him. I text him when I got home to let him know I can’t help but daydream about him and I started worrying that he had read something undesirable in my blog that made him not want to text me back. But then after the longest 13 min’s of my life he finally returned my text and reassured me he was not swayed by any past words of mine, and that he wishes he were here so that I “could fall asleep in [his] arms.” I wish that too.

Ray sent me an email today: “Please forward your postal address, I'd like to forward you money for last nights dinner.” Yup, he hates me.

Definitions

January 5, 2009

I looked up the definition of "abstinent" today :

abstinent \AB-stuh-nuhnt\, adjective:abstaining, especially from self-indulgence

Now the sentences they use to better describe the word are always pertaining to sex, however, the definition says nothing about sex. How strange that our society just automatically associates being self-indulgent with having sex.

Total side note...I went to dictionary.com to look up a few definitions and I just realized, I didn't actually look up "abstinent", it was on the first page of the site as the "Word of the Day". How crazy coincidental is that? It's a sign...I totally believe in signs.

So what exactly is self-indulgence?

self-in⋅dul⋅gent [self-in-duhl-juhnt, self-] adjective - 1. indulging one's own desires, passions, whims, etc., esp. without restraint.

Hmm...have I done that in the past year? Yup, way too many times. This is something I definitely need to work on. This will be a good test of my will power and self restraint.

I've spent approximately 5 hours in the coffee shop today, well ok, maybe it's really only been 3, but it feel like 5 and my eyes are getting blurry from staring at the computer screen. Tonight, I sense will be another "old maid" evening which consists of me sitting in front of the t.v. knitting, while my lovey dovey roommates cuddle across the room. Gross. I need a social life, without men, without roommates.

Tomorrow night Nikki has decided that she'd like to reschedule our rendezvous so that we can join some of (my ex) her current coworkers out at Porn Star Karaoke night. Sounds like an exhilarting time. We've all decided to make it even more fun and dress like porn stars for the evening...should make for an interesting blog. I've never flirted with a porn star before! I have a feeling it won't be hard to practice restraint in such a situation.