No longer single

April 22, 2009.

Went to ‘Porn Star’ karaoke last night. Received a text while there from Seattle: “Couldn’t help myself, I caught up on your blog; I was just missing you too much. I don’t really know why, but I am crying right now. I just wish I could be holding you in my arms.”

I called him as soon as I got the text and went outside to talk to him. He basically told me that he feels jealous and hates that because he’s not a jealous guy. He realized he wants to be my boyfriend, he just feels guilty asking that of me. I’m young and far away, it wouldn’t be fair. I told him there’s nothing I want more right now than to be his girlfriend. I told him I never want to do anything to make him jealous. All I want is him. So, “We’ll make it work.”

We were in the middle of both agreeing to be in a relationship when my phone battery died. Ugh. Apparently right after my phone died he text me: “Well that was bad timing on the part of your battery. I’m sure we can catch up tomorrow. Goodnight my amazing girlfriend.”

We stayed at karaoke until closing and all I wanted to do was get home, plug in my phone and call Seattle. So at 2:15am that’s what I did. I hesitated before I dialed because I knew he was most likely asleep, but then I thought, “I’m just gonna call damn it! I’m his girlfriend, I’m allowed to call any hour of the night!”

He answered and we finished off our conversation. I told him I just need him to always be honest about how he’s feeling. We’re gonna make this work, but we also have to be totally understanding of the fact that we are super far and the chance of meeting other people is very real. Not that it’s gonna happen, but if it does we just have to be understanding. He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with that I believe we’d still be ok if something did come up. By that, I mean, I think if I met someone else, he’d be totally sincerely ok with it. Sad, yes, but accepting. Makes me like him all the more.

So as of right now, I’m no longer a single girl. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. A long-distance, painful, longing filled, crazy, romantic, complicated, wonderfully exciting relationship. I really want to make it work.

It does feel a little different now. I’m not sure why, but “we” feel different now. Maybe because a little bit of the confusion has disappeared. Maybe because we’re a little less nervous about some issues, but more so about others? Who knows? I just know that I’m happy and I have to find a way to see this boy again before more than a month goes by. The wait might kill me…

Begin and End Period

April 8, 2009.

It’s 5:42am and I can’t sleep anymore. I went to bed semi early after a drunken phone conversation with Seattle where I proceeded to tell him that I haven’t had my period in a year because of the birth control I was on. Why that came up or was something relevant I felt I needed to say? Who knows…

Our phone conversations have turned into a series of sighs and moans. No, not in that sense! In the sense that we’re so frustrated by our situation that we no longer know quite what to say other than, “Why can’t you live here! Grrrr….” The count is down to 9 days. 9 days till I hop a flight and land in the arms of Seattle. I’m still very very excited, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Todd text me Monday night while I was at work suggesting we do dinner and a movie Tuesday (yesterday). I told him, “Tuesday’s kind of booked.” I had already made dinner plans with Pete, Lee, Miguel and Lil’ bro. And I thought of offering an alternative date, but then stopped myself. I stopped because I realized doing that would be leading Todd on. I don’t even know what’s really going on with me and Seattle and I don’t need to complicate my life anymore. I think that was a common trap I would fall into last year. I was never really attached to any one particular guy, so I would go on dates with many and then end up having two or more guys thinking I was their girlfriend. Not gonna happen again.

I feel also, that my mind is becoming mush. I think it’s due to my alcohol intake, lack of world news, i.e. t.v. and nonexistent reading habits. I need to get smarter!

Seattle and I were chatting aka sighing and grunting the other night and he said something about one of my past blogs. Apparently, I wrote something in there about not “needing” someone in my life, but “wanting” them in my life and he started mumbling something about him “needing” and stopped himself and said, “Ugh, we’ll talk about it when you get here.” That phrase has come up a lot these days…

Last night too, he said, “I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with you.” Me too!! It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with someone. I feel as though I’m destined to always be in weird situations where I don’t have a “normal” relationship. It’s pretty unfair.

Also, I realized just a few minutes ago that I do believe I will be having my period when I go visit him. Which I have to chuckle at because even if I had decided that I was going to give him my newly founded v-card, I couldn’t. I think I’ve decided though that I’m not going to. I’m going to remain abstinent. My reasons are, as much as I would enjoy making love to him, I would be much more satisfied with myself if I waited until I was in a more stable relationship. One where I wasn’t going to fly into town, have sex and then leave, not knowing the next time we’d be together. It would feel somewhat pointless and that would defeat the whole purpose of my year of abstinence.

I've been found out!

March 21, 2009.

Received a text from Seattle today saying: “Sorry ur party didn’t go so well. I was anxiously awaiting a text or email and figured that reading ur blog would be the next best thing. Hope that doesn’t upset you or change anything…” Um, so I have a spy. I guess I’m not as well hidden as I thought or maybe I’m just bad at keeping secrets and let too much slip into our honesty filled convo’s. But, now I have a new blog follower…

It actually surprised me how okay I am with it. Yesterday, (and I called and told him this already) I even thought about just sending him the link. For some reason I really do want him to know everything, well, almost everything about me. Maybe it’s a test, maybe it’s comfort, but whatever it is, it’s strange. So he claims that he doesn’t hate me after reading it…yet.

It’s interesting because in life, I’m a pretty open book, so most people that have the pleasure of being near me, usually know lots and probably too much about me. However, this blog contains innermost thoughts and confessions that I would probably only tell my very best friends back on the East Coast. My sister doesn’t even read this blog!

But, I’m pretty comfortable with Seattle’s sneaky eyes glancing at this every now and then. And I promise, to myself and anyone who may actually read this ridiculous self indulgent blog, that I will remain true to my word and be as honest as humanly possible.

Will Seattle stick around? We shall see.

Spent another long day on set. Miguel was there, so at least there was some entertainment. It was funny, I started chatting with a few other guys on set today and for a mere moment thought two of them were pretty cute, but one casually mentioned his girlfriend and the other eventually mentioned his wife. This was more than ok with me, I wasn’t really interested in more than a friendly conversation. But at one point, I looked to the right of me and there was Miguel and guy with a girlfriend sitting on the bench and to the left of me was married guy. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I give off these vibes lately that I’m “safe” because I’ve noticed the guys on set I tend to meet and chat with and get along with are all usually in committed relationships. I must just send out a silent signal that tells them I’m not a threat and if they want to chat about their lovely ladies, I’m all ears and won’t be a jealous bitch. Pardon mon français. Or perhaps is as simple as I can tell they’re safe.

I had Seattle on my brain all day. I just kept thinking about seeing him again. How much I wish I had the option to spend more time with him. I text him when I got home to let him know I can’t help but daydream about him and I started worrying that he had read something undesirable in my blog that made him not want to text me back. But then after the longest 13 min’s of my life he finally returned my text and reassured me he was not swayed by any past words of mine, and that he wishes he were here so that I “could fall asleep in [his] arms.” I wish that too.

Ray sent me an email today: “Please forward your postal address, I'd like to forward you money for last nights dinner.” Yup, he hates me.

Wanted: Boyfriend, pay rate: xoxoxo

March 15, 2009

I want a boyfriend. But what else is new, right? It’s getting to the point where I don’t like hearing people talk about their boyfriends and relationships, because I can’t help but think, “If you have one, why don’t I?”

I went to The Barrel last night with C's peeps, tried to get Encino to join me, but no luck. I had an ok time, I’m just tired of the bar scene because I don’t want to get wasted and I don’t want to meet a future boyfriend there. So, it becomes a bit pointless.

I’m just amazed that I have no one that interests me and no one interested in me (besides Ray) that wants something more than a hookup.

I text Lindsay last night for Liam’s number. She sent it to me and told me that I should apologize to him. I know I probably overreacted a bit that night, but, and maybe this is just my stubbornness coming out, I don’t really know why I’m the one who has to apologize. He blew me off like five times, got too wasted to hang out, more often then not, then when we finally did hang, he got drunk and left me hanging by myself. Yeah, I guess I was the jerk.

I’m glad I’m gaining lots of girlfriends this year because I’d go nutty with no friends and no boyfriend. At least girlfriends give me quite the distraction; provide me with something else to do.

Hmmm. On set today at LMU for a grad film I’m in. There are three boys in the cast, one’s gay, one’s going back to NYC in a week and the third, I’m not sure yet. There is a boy that’s working on the crew who just seems genuinely nice. And I’m finally finding that attractive. Wow, took long enough. I might have to miss improv again tonight, but I’m kind of exhausted still so I don’t really mind. I can go home to my empty apartment, and fall asleep wherever I choose to and sleep until my doc apt. tomorrow. Sounds wonderful to me. Just wish I had someone to cuddle with. *sigh*. It’ll happen.

Oh What A Night

March 8, 2009.

I’m so glad I get to start with a blank page every day. Thank goodness for that kindness the world has bestowed upon us. Let’s see…the last time I blogged I was about to go to the movies with Ray, Miguel and Lee.

Well…the movie was awful and Ray was unhappy because I didn’t meet up with him beforehand for dinner or drinks like he thought the plan was. Miscommunication totally on my part…but ugh, whatever. So I just got increasingly annoyed and frustrated with him throughout the night. He’s just too much. That’s all. Too much. I hate how up close and personal he gets. And I figured something else out too. When I’m with him I feel I can’t get a word in edgewise and then about three hours after we’re hanging out he stops, grabs my waist and right in my face with a big toothy grin asks, “So how are ya beautiful?” And then before I can give him a legit response he’s already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have to act more subdued to counterbalance his over the top energy. I don’t like it. I just wanna be myself. We ended the night with an awkward hug goodbye. No kiss. Then he text me saying, “I was gonna ask if you wanted to go grab a cake and a coffee and catch up.” I said I couldn’t, because I had an early morning the next day, which was true, it was already midnight and I needed my beauty sleep. I think this upset him also.

So on Saturday I was on set of a music video allllllll day long. It was pretty awful. Made some girlfriends who are very sweet, and barely talked to the boys. And here’s the zinger…I moved my ring. Not on purpose; I was looking at some jewelry this woman was selling on set and in order to try it on I had to take my ring off, so I just moved it back over to my right hand for safe keeping and forgot and left it there the rest of the day.

Went to Cecil’s that evening to hang out with peeps. While talking with one of my friends I went to show him the ring and had a mini panic attack because I had forgotten it was on my other hand. But then I decided to leave it. We were all going to a bar for karaoke and I was in the mood to mingle with the singles. Not a bad crowd, but God, now I remember why a)I don’t drink and b)why I don’t meet guys at bars.

The night seemed hopeful and full of potential, but here’s the cliff notes. Kissed Zack, my ex coworker who just kept complimenting me all night and it went to my head. So there was little tongue action. Found out right after that he spilled his guts to Nikki about how much he liked another girl. (I hate guys, did I mention that?) Had been chatting up this other sort of cute guy, who ended the night hanging out with a new worker from Cecil’s that brought us to that bar cuz it’s her fave. Then had been flirting with a guy named Ski who was pretty cute, and promised to sing a song just for me, then failed to even recognize me by the end of the night. (Oh, I hate guys, did I mention that yet?) Then the “bouncer” was chatting me up, and I was just being cordial in case I ever come back to that bar. Turns out he doesn’t even work there…um, men are scum. Bought a whiskey shot for a random mini man (he was shorter than me) who’d been looking at me all night and it was last call, so I thought I’d do him favor…allow him to join me in my misery. He asked that I come back sometime so he can “return the favor”. He’ll be back there in two weeks…looking for me. Doubt he’ll even remember what I look like. Told the bartender that he’s “absolutely adorable” and “I’m not just saying that cause I’m drunk, I thought you were adorable from the moment I walked in.” (I was already drunk). Text Ray and Rick (the two men I’ve dated that are above 35 yr.’s of age) at 3am because I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t worthless. I’m a fool and seriously don’t want to get that drunk again. It’s strange that wasn’t the drunkest I’ve been, it was just the first time I’ve been drunk in about a month, so I did it up royally.

Nikki and Jess slept over and we binged on shitty food, watched ‘Will and Grace’ and hated on men. I like how the night ended.

This morning I had a meeting with a director I’m hoping to work with. Oh my goodness, I’m in love. Ha, ok, not really, but it was the best non-date I’ve ever been on. It was just an interview so he could meet me in person and see if we click and if we get one another and if I’m what he’s looking for for this film he’s making. Well, we totally clicked right away and he asked me to be in not one, but two films he’s working on right now. I am so super psyched to work with him. I just think he’s great and I think the product is going to be truly fantastic, so I hope we have a long, happy, working relationship. Can’t wait! Now how come first dates can’t be that great? Ludicrous!!

More extra work tonight; might move the ring back. Later!!

They're all a bunch of Doucheholes...

February 7, 2009

Why are guys such doucheholes??? Lindsay and I spent the whole day on set today and Encino clearly wants my body, but last night we joined him and his cougar at the bar for birthday drinks. She’s beautiful, but perhaps looking for more of a commitment then he. Anywho, every chance he got he would come and be with us and his body language was just so not subtle with me. I like that he’s like that but then I have to stop myself and think, well, if he’s like this when he’s got a beautiful girlfriend, then if we were to ever get together, would he be like that with other women when he was with me?? Eek.

Anywho, that’s not what pissed me off today. I haven’t text Liam since our green fairy night and today he text me while we were still on set, “I’m bored”. So, I suggested that he come “booze it up” with Lindsay and I after we wrap. Didn’t hear anything back. Then when we were close to home, I sent another text and we chatted back and forth for a bit and he seemed interested in coming over. Even though I adamantly told him I didn’t like the idea of him driving drunk. He assured me he was fine and said, “Alright, I think I gonna come.” Then 45 min later, no word from him. I text him saying, “What’s the verdict? Where you at boy?” and he responded with, “Well, I don’t know if I can – I would love to – but Don Julio is making it tough.” So, when he text that he was gonna come, he decided instead to keep drinking and in turn not show up at all. Even though it was his complete decision to come.

I hate men. Have I mentioned that yet? I’m so over it. I thought he was one of the more normal guys I’ve ever been interested in, but fuck no. He’s just as screwed up as the rest of them. I so badly want to text mean things to him right now, but I don’t know how to be assertive and still maintain some sort of dignity in the situation. What a freaking idiot. I’m so frustrated right now that I want to cry, but fuck that! I won’t let him ruin my night like that. Arrrghghgghghgghghhhh! He’s gonna have to do a lot in order to win me back at all. I have no more respect for him and no more desire to keep trying. What a waste of my time.

Aren’t there any normal guys out there? Blah! Bad taste in my mouth, and it ain’t the sake I’ve been drinking all night