Falling...in love?

March 8, 2009.

He’s falling in love with me. That’s what he told me, word for word. Completely honest. Ray is in love with me. And thus, we can no longer spend time together. Story of my life. We can’t be friends, you know why? “Because we were more than that from the moment we met.” Wait, hold up…who said this to me before? Right. Tony. How ironic. Two completely different humans, saying the nicest thing a girl could want to here, only one means it in an asshole sense and the other means it in the Love at First Sight sense. But they both have something in common: I don’t want them.

The whole time Ray was speaking to me I just kept listening and hearing what he was saying and all I could think was, “What the hell is wrong with me?” and I also kept thinking, “Boy am I gonna regret this!” But you know what? I can’t help but think I still did the right thing because I kept trying to cry. That’s right, trying…to cry. I came close, but no cigar.

I’m utterly confused and bewildered and have no idea any more what it is I’m looking for. Because I keep telling guys, “I’m not dating.” Or “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” When what I mean to say is “I’m not gonna date you.” Or “ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.” Truth be told, I would love to have a boyfriend. Someone to hang out with and chat with and have sleepovers with. But my options are not appealing to me right now. I’m not satisfied.

I’m jealous of Ray, because I desperately want to feel that way about someone. But I suppose it must suck when it’s unrequited. But, I would just like to feel again. Something. Something like love.

We shall see. Positive thoughts and fairy dust. That’s what I need right now! Take me away Peter Pan! (to never-never land).

Oh What A Night

March 8, 2009.

I’m so glad I get to start with a blank page every day. Thank goodness for that kindness the world has bestowed upon us. Let’s see…the last time I blogged I was about to go to the movies with Ray, Miguel and Lee.

Well…the movie was awful and Ray was unhappy because I didn’t meet up with him beforehand for dinner or drinks like he thought the plan was. Miscommunication totally on my part…but ugh, whatever. So I just got increasingly annoyed and frustrated with him throughout the night. He’s just too much. That’s all. Too much. I hate how up close and personal he gets. And I figured something else out too. When I’m with him I feel I can’t get a word in edgewise and then about three hours after we’re hanging out he stops, grabs my waist and right in my face with a big toothy grin asks, “So how are ya beautiful?” And then before I can give him a legit response he’s already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have to act more subdued to counterbalance his over the top energy. I don’t like it. I just wanna be myself. We ended the night with an awkward hug goodbye. No kiss. Then he text me saying, “I was gonna ask if you wanted to go grab a cake and a coffee and catch up.” I said I couldn’t, because I had an early morning the next day, which was true, it was already midnight and I needed my beauty sleep. I think this upset him also.

So on Saturday I was on set of a music video allllllll day long. It was pretty awful. Made some girlfriends who are very sweet, and barely talked to the boys. And here’s the zinger…I moved my ring. Not on purpose; I was looking at some jewelry this woman was selling on set and in order to try it on I had to take my ring off, so I just moved it back over to my right hand for safe keeping and forgot and left it there the rest of the day.

Went to Cecil’s that evening to hang out with peeps. While talking with one of my friends I went to show him the ring and had a mini panic attack because I had forgotten it was on my other hand. But then I decided to leave it. We were all going to a bar for karaoke and I was in the mood to mingle with the singles. Not a bad crowd, but God, now I remember why a)I don’t drink and b)why I don’t meet guys at bars.

The night seemed hopeful and full of potential, but here’s the cliff notes. Kissed Zack, my ex coworker who just kept complimenting me all night and it went to my head. So there was little tongue action. Found out right after that he spilled his guts to Nikki about how much he liked another girl. (I hate guys, did I mention that?) Had been chatting up this other sort of cute guy, who ended the night hanging out with a new worker from Cecil’s that brought us to that bar cuz it’s her fave. Then had been flirting with a guy named Ski who was pretty cute, and promised to sing a song just for me, then failed to even recognize me by the end of the night. (Oh, I hate guys, did I mention that yet?) Then the “bouncer” was chatting me up, and I was just being cordial in case I ever come back to that bar. Turns out he doesn’t even work there…um, men are scum. Bought a whiskey shot for a random mini man (he was shorter than me) who’d been looking at me all night and it was last call, so I thought I’d do him favor…allow him to join me in my misery. He asked that I come back sometime so he can “return the favor”. He’ll be back there in two weeks…looking for me. Doubt he’ll even remember what I look like. Told the bartender that he’s “absolutely adorable” and “I’m not just saying that cause I’m drunk, I thought you were adorable from the moment I walked in.” (I was already drunk). Text Ray and Rick (the two men I’ve dated that are above 35 yr.’s of age) at 3am because I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t worthless. I’m a fool and seriously don’t want to get that drunk again. It’s strange that wasn’t the drunkest I’ve been, it was just the first time I’ve been drunk in about a month, so I did it up royally.

Nikki and Jess slept over and we binged on shitty food, watched ‘Will and Grace’ and hated on men. I like how the night ended.

This morning I had a meeting with a director I’m hoping to work with. Oh my goodness, I’m in love. Ha, ok, not really, but it was the best non-date I’ve ever been on. It was just an interview so he could meet me in person and see if we click and if we get one another and if I’m what he’s looking for for this film he’s making. Well, we totally clicked right away and he asked me to be in not one, but two films he’s working on right now. I am so super psyched to work with him. I just think he’s great and I think the product is going to be truly fantastic, so I hope we have a long, happy, working relationship. Can’t wait! Now how come first dates can’t be that great? Ludicrous!!

More extra work tonight; might move the ring back. Later!!

Old Flames

March 5, 2009.

Oy vay. Will I ever cease to be frustrated? I think not. Ray text me today and invited me to come over for dinner tomorrow before we go to the movie. He’ll cook…what do I want? What I want is for him to not cook for me and to not kiss me when we meet up and not like me like that. What I want is to meet someone my age; who’s goofy and has no idea where his life is headed and needs me to be there along the ride. I want someone who’s got tons of flaws and makes me feel not so embarrassed about tripping and sweating and saying the wrong thing. I want someone a little less positive and able to speak a negative word every once in awhile. I want someone harder to get.

Is that too much to ask? Will I always do this? Find a great guy and freak out and run the opposite way? Find a million and one reasons not to date him, not to take his calls, not to believe what he tells me? Find every excuse in the book why it won’t work out?

Can’t I just stop thinking for two seconds????!!!!!

I don’t want major commitment. I don’t want marriage. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a 39yr old man who lives in a studio apt. I don’t want someone I never knew at my age.

I want to experience life with the man I’m supposed to be with. I want to know their past and present and be there as they fill in their future.

ARGH!!! I spent the whole day exercising because I had nothing else to do and am working on something tomorrow that I’m so embarrassed to even mention, but I need the money (no it’s not porn…I’m not that desperate yet). Especially, if I’m going out to drinks and a movie tomorrow night with people.

Don’t get me wrong. My life is really going great these days. I’m just so sick of myself not finding a guy I truly want to be with. I’ve got so many roadblocks and I make things so hard to enjoy. I don’t want to lose my independence and my right to spend a day doing whatever the heck I want, with whoever the heck I want and having no one in my life that’s allowed to judge or become jealous or angry. I’m not sure I want anyone to miss me. It’s just easier that way. Humph. Help me!

Ok, I just re-read what I’ve written to spell check and correct any errors and I know whom it is that I want. Don’t know if I should even write this, but it’s someone from my past; who I miss terribly. How does that happen? You kick someone out of your life and go years without speaking, but then, one lonely night, after a year and three months of not finding someone who’s right for you, you realize you had him way back when.

Age Appropriate = Awkwardness?

March 4, 2009.

Oh man. Let’s see. Went out for coffee with Sasha, who I haven’t seen in almost a year now. We met last January when we were in a play in Hollywood together. We were also both new to this city. I’ve been trying to get better at meeting up with people and rekindling old relationships. So we had a nice chat about how we’re both still single due to the fact that every guy we meet in L.A. is an asshole.

I kept thinking about Ray the whole time we were having our girl talk and was tempted to call him on my way back home and stop over and see him for a bit. But, I am trying to practice self-restraint in many ways. So, I did not.

However, after I got home, got ready for bed and was almost asleep I received a text saying, “You were on my mind all day today. If u are up right now, id come over for a cuddle and kiss. x” That was Ray. So I text him back and told him that I had thought about visiting him earlier in the night. He asked if he could come over for 5 min and I told him, no, I was already in bed. I’m still nervous about spending intimate time with him. I just don’t know.

Told my sister about him, which is sort of a big step, because I don’t like to tell her about just every guy; that seems stupid. Her advice about the age difference was to just not let it bother me. Ok…easier said than done.

Today, I did audience work…ugh, gag me with a spoon. But after the fifth show they taped, I was seated next to a cute guy and we struck up a conversation. He was kind of shy and I liked that. We didn’t even introduce ourselves, just chatted. When we were leaving we passed eachother and smiled and waved and cordially said, “Nice to meet you!” Even though, we never really did meet, now did we?

He was much more age appropriate for me, but I couldn’t help but picture a first date between us and how awkward the entire night would be. Even if we did end up hitting it off and wanted to pursue eachother further, it would start awkwardly.

I wonder if it’s because of Ray’s age that it isn’t awkward with him. He’s just so whole and complete within himself that nothing feels contrived or forced and everything just moves along super smooth and naturally. Hmm. I like that.

He’s supposed to come out with Lee, Miguel and me on Friday to see “The Watchmen”. I’m excited to go out, just not sure if or when I’ll be able to transition our relationship into something more personal and intimate. It’s weird.

Not Sure.

March 3, 2009.

So there have been some developments. Went out with Miguel and Lee last night and decided to invite Ray. He accepted the invite and met us at Cheesecake Factory in the Grove.

Apparently we’re on a kissing hello basis. A little much, but I don’t really mind. Sitting having coffee and chatting with the three of them just felt so nice. I found myself having such a great time and realizing it. I even had the thought, “I’m very happy right now and I’m not even drunk.” Ray is such a great guy. I just don’t know what to do about it. I found myself thinking…why not?

I think it could be really great. I don’t know for how long, but I think it could. He’s so intense though, I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed when I’m with him and other people. It’s strange because he’s so very into me, telling me, touching me, kissing me, telling the people we’re with, “Isn’t she just gorgeous?” And it reminds me of how into my mom my stepfather is. It’s always been gross to me and it makes me uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. I love being told I’m gorgeous and being kissed and hugged and all that good stuff, but I like it in the privacy of my own apt. or in a car or when I’m on a date, alone with that other person. I don’t like being singled out and focused on. I feel like it makes the people around us uncomfortable, but maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe no one is uncomfortable except for me.

So Ray, eh? It’s lookin’ pretty good for him…

On a completely different note, I was going through my emails today, checking for an email I had received over a year ago in 2007 and I stumbled across an email exchange I had with “the ex”. I read it and it seemed as if I was peering into someone else’s private letters, not one that I myself had written. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. Here’s the exchange:

Letter from “the ex”:

I am sorry for being so weird. First and foremost, I know how
important it is for you to go to California and see if it really is
for you, and to learn to surf and read Variety every day and all that
stuff. I know how important it is for you, and that is why I would
never let you stay here. I also know that adding marriage is a
ridiculous thing to add to the already complicated equation. I just
don't want to lose you. Someone is gonna grab you and scoop you up
and I want that person to be me. I don't want to go to California,
and I don't really wanna get married at 24 and 23 when neither of us
are ready; i just don't wanna let you go and let someone else get my
dream girl. I don't wanna call you someday and you say you met some
guy and he's charming and cute and can be all the things I can't and
doesn't do all the bad things I do. I don't want to let you go and
regret it forever. I hope this made some sense. I miss you and love
you badly!

My response:

Babe,
The most important thing you could do for me right now is fully support my decision to head west. I know it's hard to do, and I appreciate you every time you let me gush about California and don't throw in a "it'll steal your soul" reply. I'm terrified to leave you just as much as you're terrified to let me go. Believe it or not. The more we get closer to moving the sadder i get when thinking about being without you. I don't know how I'm going to date again after you...everything just goes smoothly with you. The other day I had the crazy thought of trying long distance with you...just because I'm selfish and am not ready to say goodbye. But if we ever did long distance we'd just end up destroying everything good between us...subconsciously we'd always be jealous and unhappy no matter how faithful and loyal we were each being on opposite coasts. If the universe has a plan for the two of us I will put my faith in fate and let it play out as it's meant to. I love you. That's the important part right now. The marriage stuff can come later if that's where our paths lead. And if it does, I won't be disappointed! I'm going to California with the mind set that I'm in love with a man in NYC and not looking for "flings" or affairs, or a whole lot of that physical stuff...you know how much it takes to get me into bed. I've had my "summer of fun" and got it out of my system. Now it's time for me to really discover life by myself, and find out what it takes for me to be truly happy. Maybe I'll discover that the answer is you. Who knows...whatever it is I'm excited to find out. And I'm excited for you to find out what does it for you. It's all very exciting and I don't want any of that excitement to be snuffed out by our paranoia or jealousy. I love you. We'll always have Bliss...


Not sure if I’m ready to say “I love you” to someone yet. Not sure if I’m ready to find someone I feel that strongly for again. Not sure.

Too Eager...

March 2, 2009.

Ray has text me three times already since seeing him yesterday. He was MIA all last week after discussing how I have absolutely no time for a relationship. I guess he took the week to think about it, but then after hanging out yesterday, he’s back at it in full force! He wants to go to another movie this week. I’m not opposed to the idea, but not sure yet if I want to go just the two of us or invite Miguel and Lee so that it’s a little more friendly.

Tonight I’m hanging out with them (my fave couple). Think we’re gonna grab drinks and appetizers at a bar somewhere. For me it’ll have to be coffee and veggies. Still trying to get my body into a more desirable shape. It’s funny, I was researching places to go tonight, my requirements being cheap, fun and healthy eats. Then I noticed the side tab that I could click for great places for singles to go. I considered clicking it, but didn’t. I suppose L.A. bars are not the greatest places to meet relationship men.

I keep thinking about Will today. He’s back in the states and I’m sure exhausted and jet lagged. I’m dying to write him and once again put my efforts into him visiting me out here! I just want to see his adorable face in person. It kills me to know there’s this great guy out there and we could potentially have a great relationship, but he’s across the country, in a completely different world than me. Ugh. How completely and utterly unfair.

Alright, I’ve spent way too many hours in this coffee house. I know there are other important things I should be doing today, but I have forgotten what they are…I’m going home.

I'm Broken...

March 1, 2009.

Happy March folks! Here’s to another month single! Where do I begin? So much happens within 24 hours…

Went out to see a friend in a play last night, afterwards we all went out to ‘Yogurtland’. Got a text from Band member #1, saying he wanted to cuddle. I thought, what the heck…what do I have to lose? I took a chance and drove all the way down to Redondo Beach, making the directions up as I went along, the whole time being optimistic and thinking, “Maybe he’s a great kisser and we’ll have terrific chemistry and I’ll fall for him…”

Well, that didn’t happen. Not even close. I arrived at his hotel, and apparently he wasn’t there, he was at the beach and there was “drama”. So I waited for 15 min and text him telling him I didn’t have time for drama. So he told me to meet him down by the beach, so I drove as close as I could and no sign of him. Then I decided to leave. I text him, “Alright, I’m heading home.” And he text me something about how he was walking back to the hotel with some drunk girl…I’d heard enough. I drove off.

But the weird thing was, even though I put myself out there, I wasn’t upset to be coming home alone. I think it’s because I don’t really have feelings for him. Which is a new thing I’m discovering: hooking up just ain’t as fun when you really don’t care about the person.

Today I slept late, got up and went for a nice long run then called Ray. He just moved to his new place yesterday and we were going to celebrate today. So we made lunch plans. I went to Ralph’s on my way and picked up a bamboo plant as a house warming present. It represents good luck and purity (ironically enough). I bought one for myself as well. I got to Ray’s around 3pm, he showed me his place, it’s quite cute.

Then we walked to get lunch. And walked…and walked…and walked. I sweat…and sweat…and sweat. It was humiliating. By the time we got to lunch, I was drenched with sweat. Ray reassured me it was “sexy”. Now what is wrong with me that I can’t get into a man that thinks my sweat is sexy???? Argh!!!

I actually really enjoyed spending the day with Ray, despite the perspiration. He is so damn cute. And that accent…killer. I told him I had to leave by 5:30pm for my improv tonight, which was a lie, I had until 6:30, I just wasn’t sure earlier if I was going to need an out or not. But truth be told, I wanted to spend more time with him.

I’m honestly dying for a day of lounging with him. I enjoy his company a lot and I just want a day that we can just be. Just be and not have to do anything. I think I’d thoroughly enjoy it. Ugh. I just want to be comfortable around someone. Just be myself. And here in front of me is this guy who I most definitely could be myself around, my plain jane, sweaty, goofy self, and he’d still want me.

What’s my damage??

Humph.