September 12, 2009.
Ugh. I had a mini internal breakdown last night.
Had an audition yesterday in Burbank right smack in the middle of rush hour. So afterwards, instead of heading all the way back to M.B. in that awful traffic, I headed to the Oaks where Nikki and Lacey were at work, so hang out and wait for traffic to clear.
When I got there our friend Maf was there. We know him through one of Nikki's ex's and he's just an awesome guy. Him and Nikki went on a few dates, but decided friendship was a better idea and he's one of the rare and wonderful guys that actually meant that.
So, I chatted with him at the bar for a bit. He's like this crazy master at reading people and as soon as I walked in he goes, “How're the boys?” and I gave him this look apparently and he said, “Wow! You are just so not interested in guys right now.” And I got all worked up and started passionately arguing that I am interested, it's the guys who aren't interested in me.
But then, later on the drive back down to M.B. it hit me. I don't think I am interested in guys right now. At least not any of the guys that L.A. has to offer. And I think that's my whole problem. I go through the motions of being interested, because, well, that just seems like what I'm supposed to do. Everyone else is flirting, and drinking and hooking up and having one night stands...isn't that what I should do too?
But here I am going through the motions, but I'm sending out this vibe to every guy that comes in contact with me that I'm not interested. Subconsciously. Without even realizing it. I'm turning men away.
Lacey and I had decided to go out to Mucho's that night with Goofball and his whole clan. We did a little pre-gaming at the apartment and then met up with them on their walk down to the bar. They're fun guys. We got to the bar and had a drink and did some dancing and one of their friends who was with them was chatting me up and seemed really interested and then, just disappeared.
Oh well, I was just being friendly. I danced a bit more and hung with Lacey. Then I went to go get us another round of drinks and was standing at the bar for a ridiculous amount of time waiting to be noticed while the bartender kept waiting on people that were there after me. I have no patience for bad customer service. Even if you're working a very crowded bar, fucking pay attention to the girl that's been staring at you holding out her credit card for the past twenty minutes. So, when that happens to me I refuse to give that business my money. I walked away. That's when I realized i'm just over it.
I'm over the games.
I'm over the guys.
I'm over the drunkenness.
I'm over the one night stands.
I'm over the trying to be noticed.
I'm over the hoping it'll turn out to be meaningful.
I'm over standing there like an idiot because I have no interest in striking up a conversation with anyone around me.
I'm over pretending to be like everyone else.
There was one moment I was an absolute complete bitch to one of the drunk guys there and if that guy ever reads this, I do apologize. I was just so OVER IT.
He walked over and started chatting with me and Lacey and he goes, “Hey, where you guys from?”
Without even looking at him, I go, “Nowhere you've heard of.”
“Try me! I know lots of places!”
Lacey chimes in, “She's from Kansas.”
Drunk guy, “What? I know Kansas, I'm from there too! What part?”
Me still not looking his way, “You wouldn't know.”
Drunk guy, “You're right, I'm not actually from there, I'm a liar.”
Me, “Yeah, you all are [liars].”
Lacey starts laughing at this point. Then I pretend like I'm about to puke, thinking the guy can't really see me. But apparently I wasn't as sly as I had thought, so he goes, “Well, I'll leave you girls alone, I hope it wasn't the sight of me that was making you want to throw up.”
And that's when I realized I was being a bit too bitchy (I swear I'm not always like that) and so I said, “Oh, no! I'm sorry, she (pointing at Lacey) made me do a shot of whiskey and it always makes me want to puke!”
Drunk guy, “Well, have a good night!”
Yeah, that was pretty low. I just get in these moods where I don't want any guy to even approach me because no matter what comes out of his mouth, I won't believe it.
I'm so jaded now. I wish I weren't.
I walked home alone because Lacey was trying to spend more time with Beans and I just needed to get out of there and I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I text four guys trying to find someone who was awake that I could talk to on my way home, because it's a little scary anywhere you are walking home alone. I text: Drummer, Seattle, Adain, and Pete. Ugh. I really wish I hadn't.
And thank God I don't have “the ex”'s number anymore because I really considered dialing it last night. That would've been an absolute disaster.
Don't know if I'll be going to bars again anytime soon. It's just so hard. How do you be social without seeming like you're out there to be hit on? And without being an absolute bitch?
Oy, work tonight will at least keep my mind off of things. I hope.