Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Digging up Emotions.

August 25, 2009.

Boy do I have a lot of feelings boiling up in me! I just spent the last hour and half studying/preparing for my acting class tomorrow.

My teacher believes in using “substitutions” meaning events and people from our actual lives that bring about similar emotions to the characters we are playing.

I find this incredibly difficult and I think I figure out why. Because I don't want to go there! My scene tomorrow involves a girl who is “in love” with a boy that's completely wrong for her, yet she's convinced herself and now trying to convince her friend that the boy is in fact in love with her...only to end the scene discovering that he's performed an ultimate act of betrayal.

So...my substitution? Tony. Every inch of my body needed to believe that Tony could actually love me. I need to be loved. I feel very forgotten and lonely these days. Sure, I've got the best girls in the world by my side, but there's only so much emotional support they can offer. I need someone to tell me they love me and prove to me they'll stick around.

Todd fled the scene never to be heard from again.

North no longer texts or calls and I think has forgotten I exist.

Tony was a complete ass and truly believed I'd still want to be friends with him even after he betrayed me along with one of my good friends.

And, that leaves...no one. Me, myself and I. I haven't been letting myself dive too deep into these emotions lately, just because it becomes a pain in my ars. But tonight, I dove....oh how I dove in order to do my scene work. I still don't think I'm 100% there because once I start rehearsing with the actual lines I lose some of my emotional prep. But, I'm on my way. Ugh. Acting can be so cruel.

Tomorrow I get to show the class how good, correction, how great I am at acting like a girl who so badly needs to be loved that she'll lie to herself and prove to herself that this asshole really loves her. Because if he doesn't, who will?

I hope I can just let myself go completely into this role. It's the only way it'll be good. And I think i'm terrified of showing the class what I can really do, because it's too honest.

Yup.

So there's that. I spent my whole day in Manhattan Beach today. It was lovely. Lacey and I went for a morning jog by the beach, walked to a local market to grab some bottled water, came back, I unloaded my car, we unpacked all the kitchen stuff I had brought. I tried to organize my room, but it pretty much looks like a tornado dropped a mack truck right in the middle of it. Then I went and read on the beach until sunset. It was lovely, but I'll be honest, I kept thinking the whole time, “I wish someone would approach me so I could make a friend.”

Moving is tough. Even though I'm so psyched to be in Manhattan Beach, I'm a little nervous because everything is new and different and I have to learn a whole new part of L.A. Where to shop, where to hang, where to workout, where to go to be social, etc. I'm nervous! It's like the first day of school all over again!

Well, tomorrow I go back to the Oaks for class, work and then to pick up the rest of the stuff that's at my apt so that I can spend all day on thursday cleaning everything! I'm so tired of cleaning! But the nice thing is that I'm going on a week long vacation (and may not be blogging) starting friday and when I come back, everything will be in M.B. and all of my affairs in the Oaks (literally and figuratively) will be behind me! That's pretty darn exciting!

Alright, I'm off to clear my head so that I can get some rest before tomorrow's emotional rollercoaster.

Sweet dreams!

Monday, August 24, 2009

I want you to want me!

August 24, 2009.

“There's blood in my mouth 'cause i've been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but i never say anything.
And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news,baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
'Cause we'll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we'll all be portions for foxes.

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news. I don't blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news,baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
I like you”
[ Portions For Foxes Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

I just heard that song, it's by Rilo Kiley. Wish I could say I wrote those lyrics, cuz it pretty much sounds like my life. Oh Rilo...how you sing my soul!
Not much news to report today. Still packing. Still cleaning. Still no word from North.

I was feeling pretty happy earlier today so I text Drummer, “What are you doing tonight?”

Apparently he's driving up to Redwood City to play a show tomorrow. Our schedules really just don't match up. I told him I'm leaving on friday for a week so we better hang soon!

It's funny for awhile I didn't want to hang with him again because I just don't want to lead him on if I do in fact have a chance with North. But now the more I think about it, I've been pushing away the one boy that's genuinely interested in spending time with me. Drummer texts all the time trying to get me to hang out and I continually say, “Not tonight”. Well, not anymore! I think I'd like to spend time with a boy that wants to spend time with me.

It's all just part of my pattern. I go for the unavailable, uninterested ones because they're more of a challenge. C'mon...who doesn't choose the hard to get ones?

Over that game. Drummer...let's hang!

p.s. Nikki's already had sex twice in the new place...I feel some bitterness arising in the next few weeks. Thank goodness I'm headed out of town for a full week! Eek!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Exhaustion.


August 23, 2009.


Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion. Moved a bunch of stuff out of the Oaks and into MB yesterday. Came back to the valley, met up with Nikki and Lacey and headed to The Roxy to see a band play. Lacey knows the drummer so we went to support. It was a rather good time!

Then L's drummer invited us all to come hang out at a house party in the Woods. Nikki had an early morning, so we dropped her back in the Oaks and headed back down to Hollywood to attend this party.

We agreed that if it was lame we'd head out quickly. But we also decided we wouldn't allow it to be lame. Or rather, I decided. As soon as we got in the door I chugged a beer. Then as Lacey keeps saying, I was “on fire!” We had groups of boys around us all night long and I just kept 'em laughing. L's Drummer was a lot of fun! I like the idea of her and him. I won't get ahead of myself, but I think they're cute together.

I was just insane last night. I didn't do anything too stupid. Except I ended the night by making out with this rather tall, very shy gentleman. Man was he shy. It's funny how the very first kiss got me thinking, “yeah...not as fun as I'd hoped.”

He was incredibly sweet, a complete gentleman, but I was honestly, just drunk. This is the first guy I've kissed since North and I started locking lips. I didn't like it. I miss North's lips. I don't think I get to see him this weekend. I finally heard from him (but only because I initiated it) and found out that he's been working almost 80 hours nonstop this week. No wonder he's been MIA. Just wish he'd have desired to text or call me on his breaks. No such luck.

I don't know when I'll get to see him again and it makes me rather disappointed. I need to move on, but I don't want to.

Gah!!! Nikki said to me yesterday, “Don't worry girl, it'll happen when you least expect it.” I don't know how I could expect it any less than I do now. I literally feel as if I'm just destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of everyone saying, “It'll happen when you stop looking.” “You'll find the right one when it's your time.” Blah, blah, bite me.

Ever notice that the people saying this are always in a relationship?

Humph. Well, we closed out that house party last night. Lacey and I left at 5:30am with her drummer and we went to get breakfast (best bfast I've had in L.A. at this place called K24...check it out, it's killer!). Then Lacey and I came home as the sun was rising and crashed in my bed until about noon when I had to start getting ready for a rehearsal for class.

So, yeah, I'm pretty exhausted and running on very little fuel right now. My eyes don't want to stay awake, and yet, I'm planning on driving down to MB to drop of a car load of stuff, spend the night and then come back up here tomorrow for a whole 'nother load of stuff.

Moving is ridiculous. I have too much stuff. Wish I knew how to be a minimalist.

I want a boyfriend. Blah!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Welcome Back to College


August 23, 2009.

It's only 9:27am and I just can not wait to blog about last night.

First, what is the deal with people being so damn quiet in L.A.????? When I first moved out here I thought L.A. was going to be like this completely crazy party town, where everyone is wild and drinking and doing drugs and having house parties and pool parties and out until all hours of the night.

This is not the case. Apparently, if you're hanging out on your deck with two girlfriends drinking a glass of wine and laughing at 1am on Friday evening, your neighbors scream out their windows, “PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!”

Well. This is just not gonna fly! So we were feeling good last night after our wine and we decided to venture down the street. In our p.j.'s and Nikki and Lacey decided to go sans shoes. Not even five minutes goes by and we meet someone.

His name is Bert. He lives a couple blocks down. He has four single roommates. He invited us to come back to his place...oh yeah and we were carrying around the Dong Bong (have I mentioned that in early posts, man, I hope so!). So, it being our first night in Manhattan Beach and all, we decided to go make some friends.

If you've never been, basically Manhattan Beach is like one big college dorm with the brainy obnoxious neighbors that are trying to get sleep because like fools they signed up for the saturday classes also.

We walked the short four blocks and entered Bert's place and were introduced to his 4 “single” roomies. One by one. We met one outside. He was a goofball and may be the most fun of them all. Then we met one who was chillin' on the couch...he's a bit socially awkward. Then Goofball gave us a tour of the place and we met Beans, who was asleep, so Lacey jumped on him to get him up. Then a few minutes later the last one emerged from the basement, along with a girl, who seemed too comfortable with him for him to seem “single”.

We stayed and all took coors light out the Dong Bong....yes, everyone did. All the boys seemed a bit more excited about it than the girls. It was pretty awesome. We apparently made such a ruckus that the cops were called on us. What is the deal California?!?!?!?!?!?!? But the cops were chill and just told us to “close the windows”, just like they did when they showed up at my place. So weird.

We stayed for a bit longer and the thing I loved, absolutely loved about this scenario, was that the guys weren't obnoxious and trying to get in our pants. They were literally just hanging out with us. Oh my goodness...is it possible to have a guy friend in Manhattan Beach? It just might be! Psyched would be what I'm feeling right now.

After quite the fun evening, we realized it was 3am and we had abandoned our apartment leaving the door unlocked and candles burning(yes we failed safety class), so we decided to head out. But we didn't get very far before Nikki and Lacey both decided they had to pee and couldn't wait 4 blocks. They crouched in front of our new friends apartment and did their thing. Just then Goofball appeared and shouted, “I saw that!” And Nikki and Lacey took off running down the street, dropping the mug Nikki was carrying and smashing it all over the middle of the street.

Turns out all Goofball wanted was someone's number so that he could call us tonight and invite to come over to party with them again. Awesome. We made friends our first night in the dorms, er, I mean, in Manhattan Beach!

It's gonna be one wild and crazy year! I can smell it! We're in trouble.

* * *

Well, back in the real world, aka the Valley, I'm gonna do some packing today and possibly some more driving because, surprise, surprise another friend of mine who I know from back East is visiting Covina. I think it's like a 45 minute drive east. Ugh. So sick of driving, but I guess August is just a month for me to reconnect with people from my past. I'm gonna go have lunch with him, come home and pack up my car, then get ready for another crazy evening with the girls. Tonight we're doin' up Hollywood. Man, oh man.

Updates tomorrow!

Wine with the Ladies....


August 22, 2009.

Lacey got me good tonight. I had my performance tonight (I'm in a female quartet, if I hadn't mentioned that before) and Lacey and another girl from works were planning on coming. I was really happy to have friends come to see my work. I text Lacey to make sure she didn't get lost on the way, “Did you make it?” and she responded, “Nah...I'm sorry, I'll see you tonight girl! Xoxoxox.” I just about cried. I was so sad that she wasn't coming. It made me realize how important it was to have her there.

But, she got me. When we came out on stage she was right there in the second row...

It was a decent show, of course I fumbled...damn nerves.

But tonight is one very extremely exciting night....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

WE'RE SLEEPING AT MANHATTAN BEACH FOR THE FIRST NIGHT!!!!!

Just for the record, I love these girls! I know we'll probably have our tiffs now and then, but damn, I love these girls!!!

This is going to be one of my favorite living situations probably ever. Ever.

So, I have a feeling that most of my blogging is gonna be about these girls rather than boys. Especially since there really are no boys happening in my life lately.

Still no word from North. Drummer's out of town. Adain called today out of the blue to invite me to a pool party this evening...but I felt like he really just needed a “date” or something. It was weird. I didn't go.

And that's all folks. Gonna go enjoy our first glasses of wine in our brand new lovely apartment! Hope you're all having a lovely evening as well! Toodles!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Don't Worry, Be Happy!


August 21, 2009.

I got away for a night and it was just what the doctor ordered. I think L.A. is the cause of all my symptoms. I was feeling so stressed and angry for no reason. I didn't realize this until I was in the middle of Yucca Valley spending time with one of my best friends (Ike) and his Aunt and 8 yr old cousin. Real people, with real values and real lives. It was just what I needed.

Ike is great. He's spent the entire week there with his family helping out because his Aunt is struggling with cancer as well as being a single parent. So he's basically been a 25 year old father of two for the week (his cousin's friend has spent almost every day with them also). I just sat back and watched as he nonchalantly took care of these two 8 yr. old girls and what respect they gave him! Every word they listened to. He barely had to raise his voice and they understood he meant business.

Ladies...Ike's a catch! He's fun, he's smart and damn he's gonna be a great dad someday!

I told him I'm proud to have a friend like him. I really am. It's been about 10yrs that we've known one another now and he is irreplaceable. Why have we never been together, you might ask? Well, two reasons 1) because he dated my cousin/best friend and you just don't cross those lines and 2) because I would never ever want to fuck up the relationship we have right now. He's one of the greatest guy friends I ever/will ever have. I love him!

Man, but in the short amount of time I just spent with his family, it just made me realize I need to take a step back from L.A. every once in awhile. It gets to be too intense. I also realized I have a goal for myself: I want to take a trip to Europe. A nice long, soul searching trip.

I don't know when this will happen, but I'm gonna start raising funds and picking places that I must see. This will happen before I'm thirty! I'm positive. I'd like to go with someone, but right now, I don't have to know who it will be. I'm not quite ready to decide yet.

Hmm...

Heard from Drummer today. He's adorable, I think he was in my dream last night.

Haven't heard from North. At all. Tomorrow's saturday, so maybe tomorrow.

Broke the cleanse a bit last night so that I could eat dinner with Ike and the girls. My stomach doesn't completely hate me!! But I'm gonna do the cleanse still for the next few days. I just want to feel like I have a clean slate.

Alright. Performance tonight. Moving stuff and a possible audition tomorrow. Life is good. No need to stress!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An Almagamation of Feelings...

August 19, 2009.

It is my very bestest friend's birthday today, so I first have to give her a shoutout and tell the world that I love her very much and world...if you do anything to make her cry, I'll have to kick your butt!

Ok. Well, I'm feeling a little lonely this evening. A little lonely. A little sad. A little stressed. And fairly hungry.

It's day 2 of my cleanse. I've done it pure for two days! Although, tonight I did not to the salt water flush because I may have quite an exhausting day ahead of me tomorrow and I don't want to be dehydrated.

Lets see:

Tonight I'm lonely because...

I haven't heard from North since Sunday and it just kind of makes me wonder.
I'm tired of not having a guy that sticks around.
I want to talk to someone and have no one to call.
I miss my girlfriends from the East.

Tonight I'm sad because...

Refer to most of the reasons I'm lonely.
Add that I'm doubting my acting ability.

Tonight I'm stressed because...

I have to pay my first months rent tomorrow and my bank account is extremely low.
I have now made plans to meet up with Ike tomorrow which involves me driving two hours away, going on a strenuous hike and they either telling him I can't eat dinner with him because I've started a cleanse, or eating dinner and potentially getting sick from having solid food in my stomach.

*phew!

Tonight I'm fairly hungry because...

Well, because I've been intaking nothing but liquids for the past two days.
However, I'm surprisingly not as hungry as I expected I would be.
Perhaps tomorrow will be another story.
I'm not ready to break my cleanse after two short days!!!! Noo!!!!

I think the main reason diets and cleanses fail is because peoples lifestyles don't accommodate for it. People are social creatures. Being social involves going out to eat or going out for coffee or going out for ice cream or going out for drinks...none of this is helpful when trying to avoid the intake of calories.

Well, I text Drummer tonight. Yup. I'm lonely. I just want someone to “watch 'I Love You Man' and drink Jack Daniel's” with...like Nikki and her boy are doing tonight. Not fair. I'm bitter. Yup. I said it. I'm bitter. And bitterness shall take me to sleep! Buenas Noches!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cleanse...


August 18, 2009.

So day one of the Master Cleanse has come and (almost) gone...

The first part isn't so bad. You spend the day drinking a pitcher of homemade lemonade with cayenne pepper in it. Which, actually tastes pretty darn good.

But then...you have to chug 25 oz. of salt water. I almost threw up. A couple of times. This part is supposed to flush out your system. Awesome...can't wait. I did this about 20 minutes ago because I was home for the evening, no place to go, no people to see and I have the apartment all to myself. Well, it's supposed to take affect within 30 – 60min and lil bro just got home...awesome. Now I have an audience as I run to el bano every 5 minutes as my angry bowels yell at me!

Oh cleanse...I hope you're worth it.

I have absolutely no, and I repeat, no boy news to share with you today. I spent my day rather productively! Lacey and I walked to Trader Joe's to get supplies for our cleanse, then we came back to my apt and cheers'd our first glass of lemonade. Then we did level one of the 30-day shred...thanks Jillian! After which we chilled for a bit and watched the videos we took during our trip to Palm Springs. Lacey hadn't seen them yet. Made us miss Jess terribly! Come back from Hawaii!!! We need our fourth lady!

I then drove Lacey home and I ran a few errands and then did loads and loads of laundry in between packing up the kitchen. I have to say, I feel quite accomplished! The kitchen is looking emptier and emptier and cleaner and cleaner and I can't wait to start moving stuff into the new place.

The only boy I talked with today was Ike, my friend from home, who is currently in Cali helping with some family drama. He had a rough day and called because he needed someone to listen. I wish I could see him while he's in town. I just want to give him a great big hug and let him know everything's gonna work out, but he's about 2hrs south and super busy. I told him I'd drive to see him. I totally would. A hug would be worth it. He seems so stressed.

It's funny because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and is way upset about it. Last time I was home he was explaining to me how he's just ready for a relationship and wants to be settled down finally. I told him I was feeling the same way. He had started seeing a girl that we both knew in highschool and was really excited about this new prospect. Now, barely half a year later they're already over and done with. It sucks. I feel your pain Ike, I really do.

No word from North today, but not letting myself worry about it. I'm busy, he's busy. Life happens. Meh.

But I was thinking in the car on my way home from rehearsal this evening how I'm really ready to be with someone who's around a lot. More than once a week. Someone who hangs out with my friends and comes to my house on the nights I'm not at his. Someone who wants to hear about my rehearsal and is excited to come to my performance on Friday, flowers in hand. Someone who's just always available whether I want them there or not. And I don't mean, like, has no social life or life outside of me, I just mean someone who's able to come over if I need them near me. I don't know if North will be able to provide this for me for a very long time. I don't know if Drummer would be able to provide this for me, although I do believe he might try.

So, there you have it. Caught in my usual, same old, same old position. But, the rest of my life is pretty darn exciting! So, I'm not gonna let my singledom get me down!

Night!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weight Matters...


August 17, 2009.

Wow, so I'm terribly boring on the man front these days!

Haven't heard from North today, but I wanted to give it some breathing room. I feel like I've been texting him a lot lately and I definitely don't want him to ever feel overwhelmed. I'm still dying to kiss him though! Argh!

Drummer text me tonight, wanting to hang out. I'm kind of relieved that he lives in Thousand Oaks and not closer, because if he did live closer, I would more likely accept his invites to hang out and we'd probably be kissing and doing more than I feel we should be doing at his point in time. I feel great about not having been with a single guy in any way since North. It's an awesome feeling, even if he doesn't know it, I like knowing it.

Went on a hike with Lacey this morning, and we're gonna get up and be adventurous again tomorrow morn. Then, she wants to start the “Master Cleanse”, I think it's also called “The Lemonade Diet”. I want to do it with her, but I'm somewhat nervous because, excuse my French, I don't want to be caught in the middle of work and have to shit my brains out or be hanging out with a boy and have to run to the bathroom five times in a row...

Oh cleanses, why are Americans so obsessed? Do other countries use cleanses as much as we do? I wonder. Probably not, because most often American's do it to lose weight and people from other countries are always naturally thinner and don't have to worry about obesity as much. Man. To not have to ever worry about your weight, how wonderful! Think how much time we would all gain if weight was never an issue!

Sometimes I wish I didn't want to be an actress because really, I'm only concerned with how thin I am when I think about how I look on camera. Bah! Whatev's I'm determined to make it as an actress whether I'm thin or entirely huge! I'm in it for the talent and not the looks....Take that Hollywood!

Updates MaƱana!

Hasta Luego! (I'm learning Spanish...trying to put it to good use!)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Piercings.

August 16, 2009.

Why are piercings so intriguing?

North called me tonight (after I text him: “So, i'm just gonna tell you, i'd like to kiss you again soon.”) and informed me that he went and got his lip pierced this evening after he got off work.

Now, my first reaction, naturally, was to wonder what it's like to kiss him...hmmm. I think I'll like it. He's so different than guys that have been interested in me in the past. I never date guys that appear to be “bad boys” but are really sweet. I tend to date the ones that look like “Mr. Niceguy” and turn out to be assholes. I like this change.

I really don't want to wait till next Saturday to hang out with North again, but most likely that'll be what's gonna happen.

The girls at work are all telling me to still spend some time hanging out with Drummer. Keep my options open. I haven't seen him since almost two weeks ago now. I wonder how quickly he'll lose interest if we don't hang out soon. I'm just not entirely sure I want him to be interested yet.

I was telling Lacey tonight that it's just so hard for me to see him as his real age because he looks so freaking young. I truly feel as though I'd be robbing the cradle! I mean...if he still looks this young at 25, when will he start to age?? I don't want to be 30 and dating someone who looks like they could be my son! Alright...yeah I'm getting ahead of myself. Argh!

Anyway, once again, not much to update on the man front. North is awesome. I would like very much to kiss him. Especially with his lip ring. Rarrrrr!

Getting up bright and early to go hiking...man do I need the exercise! Wish me luck!

Saturday Nights...


August 15, 2009.

Manny just left this morning. We went out last night to Rocco's. I was in a foul mood due to issues I'm having at work right now. I may need to find a new job in the very near future. Argh!!!

But anywho, I tried to snap out of it at Rocco's so that I didn't ruin everyone's evening and ended up buying a round of shots that cost me $75...yeah, awesome. Then some random guy with braces (not that I'm judging) decided it was the end of the night and he better make his move now or never. He sits down at the table I'm sitting at with Manny and shakes his hand. I have my back to Braces...on purpose (guys, if a girl doesn't open up to you physically, read: she's not interested and you pretty much have no hope of getting her interested). Braces extends for a shake and introduction with me. I shake his hand quickly and keep my back turned.

Braces: What are your aspirations?

Me: I have none.

Braces: C'mon, everyone has aspirations. What are they?

Me: To die young and beautiful.

Braces: What? C'mon!

Me: Perhaps tonights the night.

Then he launched into so incoherent mumbo jumbo and I just got up and walked away. Yes, bitchy. But do you notice? He still didn't even get the hint when I was being rude, so I don't feel so bad. Why are guys so lame?

Anywho, I went to hang with North for a little bit tonight. He was quite cute. Called me to make plans and said, “Well, it's Saturday!” Referring to the fact that we have indeed spent the last three saturday nights together. I enjoy this fact very much so. Tonight was a little shorter though. His brother was coming in to spend the night before heading back to Chi-town, so I couldn't spend the night tonight, unfortunately. I would have really loved to, but gotta respect the fam!

We always take forever to kiss...the whole night is always a lead up to it. It's kind of fun, because it's a guessing game of when it's gonna happen. Well, we sat and watched brainless t.v. For two hours, then I got up to leave so that he could do what he needed to do with his bro and he grabbed me and pulls me in tight and kissed me. It was so nice. We just stood there kissing for a bit. I really like doing that.

And, I haven't kissed anyone else since we started hanging out. I'm rather proud of that fact! I've kept myself pure just for him! Man, I wish he was ready to dive head first into what could be an amazing relationship, but he's not. Sucks for me!

Next saturday, I'll be moving my stuff into Manhattan Beach apartemento!!! I'm so psyched, but also a little nervous because this is going to change quite a few things for me. I'm gonna try to get North to come down to MB next saturday...let's see if I can be persuasive. I hope I can!

And that's pretty much the news on the home front...when company's in town things are pretty quiet in boyland.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Patience is a virtue...


August 13, 2009.

Todd's on my mind right now. It's not that I'm missing him, I'm just kind of in awe that he came and went from my life in a very similar fashion to the first time he came and went from my life. I just can not believe that he has not called, text or emailed me at all. It just seems so weird. For a quick moment things between us were going so very well. Then in a blink of an eye it was just over.

I guess though everything happens for a reason. If Todd were still in the picture, I would not be speaking with North or anyone else for that matter.

Still conflicted about North. I'm just so tired of not being in a relationship.

Went to Manhattan Beach today with Manny, Nikki and her latest. Nikki and Marine were all over eachother all day. I just don't really get it. She moves on so quickly and gets so deeply involved with each and ever latest. I can't even bring myself to show much affection in public, just in case that guy isn't around the next weekend. I don't let them label me their girlfriend, just in case it doesn't last too long. But, I want a guy that's gonna be around each weekend and I want a guy that's gonna last a good long time. I'm so conflicted!!!

Why can't North just be ready??

Well, last night Manny and I got into a heated topic...my sis/his ex. We were painfully honest about how we felt about her recent marriage and how everything ended between them. I know that he feels “sorry” for her, but other than that I can never really tell what he wishes would have really happened. I wonder if he still loves her, but I could never ask.

I think he's looking for someone as well though, I think he's ready to find something permanent and I hope he succeeds. He's a great guy and he really deserves a great relationship.

Oy vay. Life can be cruel.

I guess “good things come to those who wait..”blah blah blahhh.

Ok, real quick, before I go and watch a movie, randomness, Pedicab text me the other day. He wants to see me because he's in LA. What??? It's almost been two months since that adventurous night in San Diego and I thought it was all well and forgotten. Apparently not.

Ha. Oh dear.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Simple Solution?


August 12, 2009.

Went to silverlake with Manny and the girls. It was like an acting class reunion. The bartender was from my class, the bouncer was from the class and one of the girls sitting at the bar was from my class. I now realize I have many persona's and I rarely let them mingle. So, here was my Manny persona, my drunk persona, my class persona all clashing heavily against one another.

I only had three drinks tonight, but I feel pretty darn tootin' wasted. I drunk text North. I want to be with him tonight. I just want to feel his lips against mine and lay next to him fingering his tattoo. Ugh. I'm too impatient!

We're all going out again on Thursday and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of work. Then Nikki wants to go line dancing at Borderline on Saturday night and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of his bro in Santa Barbara.

I might call Drummer, but a part of me feels guilty doing that for two reasons, 1) because I really like North and don't want to jeopardize anything between us and 2) I don't want to lead Drummer on thinking that there could be more between us, because frankly right now, I'm not open to it.

Oh man. Why can't I just have one clear choice and it be good and not complicated and I won't have to wait for it or fend off other options, “in case” it works out. I need a simple solution!!!!

Where's my simple solution?!?!?!?!

I'm tired of going to bed alone. That is all.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Mini post


August 11, 2009.

Going out with the girls and Manny tonight...this should be interesting. I'm super exhausted, but I know Manny wants to have some fun, so I gotta get myself some energy and get ready for what the night has in store!

Wish North could hang out...dang his work schedule. We text briefly this evening, but not too much. I tried to go the whole day without texting, but alas...I just like hearing from him.

Updates soon! I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell!

The way things were...


August 10, 2009.

I'm pretty happy, but a little doubtful.

I started cleaning and packing up my apartment today for two reasons. 1) To get a head start on what may become a very stressful month and 2) My sister's ex, Manny, who's like a brother to me is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.

I never knew how much his opinion mattered to me until today. I was scrubbing the house because I want him to be proud of where I live and proud of the life I've gotten for myself.

It's interesting, because Manny and my sis were highschool sweethearts and dated for 7 yrs. My sister decided at the end of the 7yrs that she needed a ring on her finger or she needed to move on. Well, they were already living together and Manny is a product of divorce and isn't too fond of the idea of marriage. So, when Jennifer (my sis) confronted him with this option, he told her he was “happy with the way things are” and that he doesn't want to get married.

What a tough place to be in. They had to break up. Not because they didn't love one another, but because they wanted different things. So, I've remained friends with Manny because, well, frankly, he's been around since I was 16 (almost ten years!!!), he taught me how to drive stick, he knew my father (who passed away years ago) and he's just a great person. I honestly can't imagine my life without him.

My sister knows we still talk and hang out, and it doesn't thrill her, but she's openly admitted to the reason being that she's jealous that she doesn't still get to hang out with him. Understandably. I've told her that if she ever wants me to stop seeing him, I would, in a heartbeat. She's my sister and of course more important to me. But, yeah, I'd probably be somewhat bitter and a bit upset. She knows she can't do that to me.

He really is the one stable male relationship I've had since before my father passed away. So, I kind of really need him in my life.

Needless to say, I'm psyched that he's coming tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's gonna be a blast!


On to North News...he's adorable. He text me all day yesterday and a bit today. Everytime I think about him I smile. When he walked me to my car on sunday morning he held my chin in his hands and kissed me, oh so gently, goodbye. I loved it.

However, here's my dilemma. He's definitely damaged from his very recent past relationship (why does this keep happening to me, ahem, Seattle). I truly believe he likes spending time with me and I truly believe we could have something great. But, I'm not willing to get into much of anything with him until he's over his ex...which will take quite awhile, seeing as it was 10yrs long and only been 5 months apart. Eek. I'm ready to find a relationship and he's def. not ready to be in one, at no fault of his own. I do want to continue to hang with him, but I'm worried that I'll be giving up something I want and falling for someone I can't be with.

What do I do? I guess I just have to see how it goes. Take it slow. And if something else comes along that says, “I'm ready and willing...” I have to be open to that. I can't wait around for someone anymore!
Ugh. I wish North had broken up with this girl years ago and that he was just now ready to seriously date. Then it would be even more perfect than it already seems to be.

Alright, 6 hours before I get up to hike! Laterz!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm just a little person...


August 9, 2009.

I have a pattern of meeting guys that I really really like, but who aren't ready for relationships. And, I supposed I'm probably the best girl they could meet at those moments because, unlike others, I won't run screaming for the hills, nor will I flip out on them and make them feel bad.

I'll tell them till the cows come home that it's fine and we can take it slow and not to rush into something they're not sure about. Because, I feel as though if I act accordingly, I'll still be getting pretty much what I want, they'll still be getting pretty much what they want and we won't have any of that drama bullsh*t that screws up relationships.

I hung out with North last night. It was awesome. We had beer and whiskey. We talked about how f*cked up dating in L.A. is and shared stories. I told him I keep a blog about my dating life, but I didn't give him any clues as how to find it. I don't think he's a sleuth like Seattle was, so I'm pretty sure my secrets are safe for now.

We were gonna watch a movie, but literally just spent the entire night (from 8:45 on) just talking. Although we've been friends for so long, we haven't kept in touch that well, so pretty much the last four years of each other's lives had been a mystery and all we knew was hearsay from mutual friends.

Then, the coolest thing about being on “date” with an old friend is that you can reminisce. This doesn't happen with strangers. We started recalling moments of our past that we had shared and not until this very moment in time did we realize we had shared them. Funny how that works.

Man, it was a really great night. Again, one of my favorite L.A. evenings spent with a guy. Granted my best nights in L.A. have been with my girls, so that's why I have to define that it was great night with a guy.

I told North straight up that I don't ever want him to think he needs to rush into things with me. I want us to be friends no matter what and even if we decide that the kissing needs to not happen between us anymore, we will still hang out. I know he's been through a lot and I, like I said in a previous entry, just want to be that “fun” part of his life. He was uber relieved to hear this. I knew he would be.

My only request was that he always be honest about how he's feeling. I just hate wondering and worrying when I can't tell what's going on in his head.

Ok, so my most favorite moment of the night was when we was sitting at his computer and I had gone over to stand next to him so he could show me a music video, after it was over this song came on that was unbelievably perfect for the evening. Here's the youtube video:



It was just so ironic because it was exactly what we'd been saying earlier in the evening, “Let's have some fun...you're the one I like the best.” Man how perfect.

I spent the night and this time, I did sleep in my undies, but again, no sex. Yay! I have no doubt in my mind that if we do eventually sleep together, it will be phenomenal, but I'm in no rush. I like what we got goin' on and I hope we're able to do it for awhile.

He's so funny, I told him how down in Manhattan Beach on labor day weekend there's gonna be a big crazy wild block party and he should come down to hang and he said, “Are you still gonna wanna hang with me in September?”

To which I responded, “Yeah, I'm still gonna wanna be friends with you in September!”

I hope our fun lasts for awhile. He needs it. I need it. It could be something very good.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Calm after the Storm


August 8, 2009.

Well, as you all know, I can be, um...yes, a bit melodramatic sometimes. Ok, yes, most of the time. But how boring would a non-melodramatic blog be? Hmmm??

Well, I have a ginormous headache. And I do believe it's from the stress caused from the information overload the other day. I was feeling oh so shitty that I actually manifested pain in my own body. Humans are incredible creatures. Well, I'm slowly but surely getting over the shock of the other day's news, but I still have a headache.

Good news is...I've heard from North and we're supposed to hang out tonight! I went all day thursday and pretty much all day friday without him texting/calling and vice versa. Then on friday night, I just felt so stupid and kept thinking, “Well, what if he hasn't text or called because he thinks I'm over it...” So, I text him.

Me: “Hey...”

North: “Hey, dude.”

Ohmygod!! “Hey dude”???? He's soooo over it. I'm not texting him back. He hates me. Our friendship is over. He must think...*riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg*.

He called even before I knew how to respond to that. I'm an idiot. I do overreact.

We chatted briefly. He said I sounded “underwhelmed” or “perhaps that's just you.” I explained that I still just feel really weird about the whole situation and I'm just not sure how to go about it. Also, I told him it had been a somewhat rough week...possibly why I sound “underwhelmed”.

Then he said, “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

And like a complete dork I responded, “Yeah! Well, if you still want.”

So, he just called me a little bit ago and told me he gets done at 8pm and feels like a chill evening...so dinner and a movie at his place. Sounds good. Check. See you then.

I have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO work on my defensiveness. I don't let myself get excited when I answer his phone calls because if I don't care now then I won't care later when it all falls apart. This is no good way to live. I went for a long walk with Lacey the other day and we talked about how it's just so much easier when you don't care. And it really is. It's probably less fulfilling, but it hurts less also.

Humph. Well....in other news, just so you know there's more going on in my life than boys, we signed our lease yesterday down in Manhattan Beach!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so uber psyched! Totally new chapter in my life.

I was telling Nikki and Lacey (my soon to be roomies) how I feel like this apartment is the first one I've ever chosen to live in because I wanted to and not because it was a necessity. I'm in a part of L.A. that I think I will truly fall in love with and probably won't want to leave for a very long time. I'm living with people who I truly adore and feel as if they've been my family my whole life, even though I've know them less than two years. It just feels so right. Everything will work out. The sun will shine and the waves will roll in Manhattan Beach. And I'll be out there attempting to soak it up and surf! Yay!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

F*ck my life.

August 6, 2009.

Fuck my life. Fuck it.

I guess karma really is a bitch because I just can't seem to catch a break.

My phone is silent. No word from Todd, no word from North.

Heard from Tony and fucked up my entire day. Just when I was getting over what happened between us six months ago, he had to go and tell me the whole truth and fuck me up as if it happened yesterday. God, I don't even know if I can bring myself to write about it. I want to rip him out of my life and my memory and pretend he never had his dirty as balls in my life.

I'm nauseous and wish I could just throw up a whole years worth of hatred, sadness, anger, contempt, blah blah blah. I just want to purge myself of that past so badly!

And now I just don't know if I can ever trust anyone, guys and girls alike. I'm really fucked right now.

I trusted that Todd had changed and genuinely wanted to make things happen between us and now he's MIA just as if it were still the first few months after we met.

I trusted that North genuinely was excited about what was happening between us and now he hasn't text/called for a whole day, which is odd for him. I don't think he has any intention of contacting me again.

I trusted that Tony and fucking Lindsay were telling the truth about what actually happened that night in february. But now I'm just an ass for falling for their bullshit. Turns out, Lindsay had suggested the whole threesome bit and Tony went with it and after I left and was walking back to my house in the sketchiest part of town with no more battery on my phone, they fucked. Then to put a cherry on it, I paid for Lindsay's cab back to my place and she made me feel guilty for leaving her alone there.

Have I said it enough yet? FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Yeah so fuck my life. Fuck it.

Past Comes a knockin...

August 6, 2009.

2:27am

Had a very unexpectedly interesting night.

Um, first, I'll update about North. Think he's officially scared off. But then again, I could just be overreacting because I'm a very paranoid person. I mean when I left this morning everything seemed fine, kiss goodbye, hugs, the usual. But he didn't text me all day. I couldn't take it anymore, so around 3pm I text something stupid, just to get the ball rolling.

It didn't go as planned. I tried again a bit later. Again, not the response I was hoping for. Then, no phone call, no nothing. I mean, it is very very possible that he worked till late tonight and perhaps is even now just getting home, but he usually is a texting fiend!! So, I'm a bit saddened and nervous.

He's not a California a**hole, so, what happened? I get it if he's nervous or wants to take things back a step. He's been through a lot. So, I don't want to rush, but I need honesty! I can't stand not knowing how someone's really feeling. I'd rather he be honest and tell me he's not interested then avoid talking to me at all cost. That's so much worse. Ugh. I'll stop. I'm sure I'll hear from him tomorrow.

Ok, in other random news, I get this text from a number I don't know while I'm at work: “Hey Irene! It's Drummer from the rock band L***. How the hell are you? I wanted to drop in because rumor has it that you live in la and I do now as well...”

I don't know if I mentioned this in earlier posts, but I worked on Warped Tour last summer and became friends with a bunch of band guys. This guy is in a particularly popular band, so I won't mention which, for privacy sake. But, it was so unexpected that he even remembered who I was! I mean, I remember hanging out quite frequently with a couple of his band mates, but he was always kind of shy and in the background. Well, it turns out he moved out here about a month ago and now he wants to hang. He said, “We should grab a drink sometime!” So I said, “Definitely!”

Then, to make the evening even more exciting and random than it possibly could be, an old familiar face walked into C's while I was working and I think my heart literally stopped.

It was Tony.

I have not seen nor talked to him since February. Wow. My body was stuck to the ground even though my mind was screaming to run away as fast as I could and I have no idea what I looked like but I imagined that it wasn't pretty. Wide eyes, jaw dropped, eyebrows raised, possibly mouthing the words, “F-no!”

But, I am an actress, so I simply smiled and said, “Hey, how are you?” And stood there having about a five minute convo with him. He said, “You look good.” I didn't know how to respond, because usually you say something like, “Thanks, so do you!” But, that would have been a blatant lie.

Then I sighed and said, “Well, this is awkward.” And we actually kind of had a laugh about it being awkward. Then I got distracted by customers and he was just there to pick up a to go order, so he paid and came over to say goodbye.

He said, “Well, I would say see you soon or call me sometime, but I know you wouldn't.”

And I said, “Yeah, you're probably right.”

And he said, “Do you still even have my number or did you delete it?”

And I replied honestly, “You know, I don't even know.”

Then he said, “Well, I got a new phone, so I don't have anyones anymore.”

Me, “Is this the part where I'm supposed to give you my number?”

Tony, “Well, I feel like we should have a conversation.”

Me, “Yeah, I suppose we should.”

Tony, “So what's your number, I'll call you.”

Me, “555-----”

Tony, “What time do you get off? I'll give you a call later.”

And he actually did call. I didn't hear my phone ring, but he left a message. I don't know whether or not I should call him back. I mean, he was such a disastrous part of my existence last year and I've actually gone since Feb. without talking to him. If I invite him back into my life now, things could go downhill...and fast. The weird thing though was that despite how angry he made me back then, my first instinct was to hug him.

No matter how hard I try not to have feelings (and I don't mean love, lust or desire, I sort of just mean caring) for him, I always find myself magnetized to him. I think he feels the same. Why else would he have come into C's to pick up some food, knowing I was working tonight? He knew because I was the one who answered the phone when he called. And he came anyway, instead of hanging up, he ordered and came in. He knew he was going to see me.

And c'mon, if people don't believe everything happens for a reason, then explain this. Tonight of all nights I run into him...I wasn't even supposed to be working tonight. I was supposed to be at a rehearsal an hour earlier, but somehow, I got stuck staying late. Hmmm?? So, I'm curious why I was supposed to run into him tonight. There is a reason.

Ok, wow, this post is uber long. So, I'll make this last bit short as possible. After seeing Tony I needed something fun. I got off work and text Drummer and told him I'd meet him up in Thousand Oaks later at Borderline Bar & Grill where he was checking out a band. I haven't seen him since last August. About exactly a year. I was kind of nervous that I wouldn't recognize him. But, I did. He's a 25yr old man that looks precisely 16 yrs old. He has the babiest of baby faces.

I had forgotten how old he actually was, so all night I felt so wrong hanging out with him. He was clearly hitting on me and I just felt like such a cougar. I kept thinking, “oh god! His mother would hate me right now!”

But at the end of the night he made a joke about not looking his age and how ridiculous it was that he was 25. I was ever so relieved!!! Now, I might actually hang with him again. Man. Age is pretty important. I just hated the thought that I was hanging out with a boy and not a man. So weird.

Nikki and her current beau came along and they were drunk and super fun. I'm glad they came. I was DD, so nothing stupid took place, thank goodness. I'm glad I didn't kiss Drummer or he didn't attempt to kiss me goodnight, because if I do hear from North soon, I want him to know in his heart that I've been good.

Argh! Drummer text me once I got home and said, “Glad you came out and I can't say I won't hit on you more next time we hang...”

What the hell? Why are all these guys coming out of the woodwork all of a sudden?

It's weird, but I like it! If I'm surrounded by options, but keep them all at a distance and in the “innocent” zone, I think I'd be able to abstain for quite awhile. I know, I know. I say this all the time!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Time Travel

August 5, 2009.

Just got home from North's. Went over there last night just before midnight. I was dying to see him. It was definitely weird. Not in a bad way, just in a “I've known you forever, but not quite like this, so I'm not sure how to act” sort of way. We watched some t.v. And it took him what seemed like forever to work up the courage to kiss me.

Finally, he snuggled his nose into my neck and then made the transition to kissing me. Then he asked if that was ok. I said, “Definitely.” We kissed some more, then moved over to his bed. He lives in a studio with a very tiny couch, the bed was the most reasonable option for us anyway.

We made out a bit and rolled around, but did not have sex.

I actually didn't want to. Not because I'm not attracted to him. Because, I think I'm just so very in my head about this situation. I like him a lot. I've known him for almost 7 years now, but I barely know anything about him. I'm terrified to have sex with him. I'm terrified that we'll have sex and I'll never see/hang out with him again. I'm terrified that if we continue this or take this further, we won't even be friends that once in awhile see each other.

I guess I never realized how much I cherished North's friendship. Humph.

I do know that waking up in his bed this morning was one of the most delightful feelings ever. Even though I had about 5 minutes to jump out of bed and change back into my clothes (he gave me p.j.'s to sleep in) so I didn't get a parking ticket.

I lay there thinking, “The ticket's almost worth it...” I'd rather have stayed in bed with him.

Ok, so what's different about this situation than ones in the past is that, I really would have said no, had he tried to have sex with me. It's always been easy to just have sex, because I don't care about those people, who cares if it's bad, who cares if I'm bad, who cares if we never speak after...

Also, I didn't sleep in just my undies, like I normally would with someone I'm sleeping next too. I've even done this when I just met the guy, but with North, I didn't want him to see my granny panties or think that I was “moving too fast”.

I changed into p.j's in the bathroom. Again, I have no problem changing into things in front of guys. Ever. I'm very confident in my body and I feel comfortable showing it off. However, I was so nervous. I just didn't know what exactly was going on between us, and again, I didn't want to seem too forward.

What's funny, is that North joked about us, “not being good at taking this slow”, but in reality, this is extreme slow-mo for me. I haven't taken things this slow since college, go figure.

There was a moment when he was on top of me and we were making out, I heard one of his neighbors doors slam and I couldn't help but chuckle a little because it felt like we were time traveling back to freshman year and were in his bunk in the dorms and his roomie was going to walk in at any moment.

How strange. I need to get out of my head and go with my feelings on this one. Or else I may not go anywhere.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Truth Time!

August, 3, 2009.

So, I've been texting back and forth with North all day today (and yesterday too). He's just simply adorable. He text me last night before bed that he would text/call in the morning and wanted to know how early was too early, because he didn't want to wake me up. I told him, “as long as it's not 6am, you're fine.” But what I really wanted to say was, “Call me anytime you want, I'll be happy.”

So he called me around 1pm, which was his lunch break. We talked shortly, he told me I sounded “somber”. I suppose it's more of my defense mechanism coming across. When he called me, I originally missed his call, I didn't hear the phone. I debated not calling him back (cuz I'm a chickensh*t), then made myself, because I really like this boy and I don't want to play the usual games with him. I want this one to work out nicely.

After our short convo, (in which he requested that I let him know if he's ever texting/calling too much, because he doesn't have a “sensor” for that sort of thing. Um...a boy in LA that's worried about calling too much??? Unheard of!) we continued to text and I said:

“Truth time: I'm pretty anxious to hang out with you again.”

To which he responded:

“Truth time: it's hard to get all of that out of my head as well.”

Yay! So then we decided that we need to make some plans. He wants to “actually take [me] out”. He's super cute! I requested that we have a late date this weekend, since he works until 8pm, I believe. He told me that he's about 90% sure he can make it happen. And he was very adamant about making sure I knew he really wants to make it happen.

I told him not to change his schedule, but rather to “fit me in”. I want to be as low maintenance for him as possible right now. He's got a lot going on and I want to be the “fun stuff” and nothing stressful added to his plate.

Things I know about his past...his girlfriends family was R.I.C.H. They bought him gifts all the time and paid for so much...i believe even the last apartment he was living in was paid for by her/her family. She was tall, skinny and blonde. But, I never really thought of her as beautiful. We do have similar looks though, so he must have a type.

Man, the Midwest knows how to grow 'em. I haven't stopped smiling all day because I just keep thinking about him. I'm dying to kiss him again. It was so nice. I don't want to have to wait till this weekend to see him again, but I am willing to.

Man oh man oh man....

Happy Time.

Old Friends, New Flames

August 3, 2009.

1:22am

Whenever I miss more than one day of blogging you can tell there's lots going on. It's always the exciting days that I don't have time to blog.

Cliff Notes:

Todd has used up his last chance
I have to restart my “abstinence” counter (old habits die hard)
May be starting something interesting with an old friend
Still pretty stressed


Um, to expand a little. Text Todd on friday night inviting him to come hang out with me and my friend who was visiting. No response. It's officially monday and still haven't heard from him. No excuse for this, especially since he's the one that really wanted to give 'us' a go. I give way too many chances. That was Todd's last. I promise!

I got drunk out of anger on friday night, don't remember half of the evening, but do know that I booty called CRAgent we got our groove on. He's really quite cute and sweet. But i've only seen him about three times now and I've always been drunk. I can't quite bridge the gap into hanging out while sober.

Hung out with, North, an old friend from college last night. He's lived in L.A. for about three years now and I saw him very briefly when I first came out, but haven't seen or talked to him since. He's been in a relationship with the same girl since I met him my freshman year of college. I've always enjoyed his company and despite his many “issues”, I think he's a really great guy. Well...he's single now. And in my opinion, I had one of the greatest nights I've had in L.A. with him last night.

We were drinking with Ann, who was in town visiting me these past few days. We all went to college together. So we went to North's place, grabbed some dinner and then a bottle of vodka and got a bit tipsy. Ann was clearly all over North. I'm sure she's always had a crush on him, he's great, he's talented, he was in a band...she's a sucker for that. But Ann has quite the 'tude and can be difficult to get along with sometime. She clearly annoys the hell out of North. So, I just sat back and watched as North sent me messages with his eyes and Ann flopped all over North. Later, after Ann was passed out and North and I were spending a quiet moment with a glass of water in his kitchen, he told me that I'm “really good at acting disinterested.”

That I am. It's called my defense mechanism.

Well, North and I kissed. I've known him for 7 yrs now and nothing has ever happened between us until last night. It was really, really, really great. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all night. I'm dying to hang with him again and dying to know how he feels about what transpired.

It was just such a genuinely sweet evening. We kissed a lot. I wouldn't even call it 'making out' because it was filled with more care and less lust. He's a great kisser. Man. Even writing this I'm zoning out because I'm just thinking of how great it was.

Ann had passed out in his bed, so he and I crashed together on the floor. However, we didn't want Ann to know anything had gone on between us, so in the morning time, we acted completely cool. She asked as we left his place, “Did anything happen with you guys?” and I casually said, “No”.

But wow. Whatever that was, was pretty freakin' great.

Now, worries that I have about the situation. North is incredible. He hasn't really been single since he was about 15...um, yeah. So, I don't want to rush him into something he's not ready for. But, he was the one doing all this relationship talk last night and explaining how he's just so tired of L.A. and will never fit in because he's not just looking to get laid.

Despite what this blog leads you to believe, I really am not looking to just get laid either. I really truly do want something meaningful and worthwhile. I think I could have this with North.

And, sure, I know what you're all thinking, “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” I'm really going to try to take things slow with him. As slow as I can handle.

I actually get nervous when I think about sex with him because we've known eachother for so long, it could either be incredible or a really bad idea. So, I'm gonna put that on the back burner until I'm totally ready.

Emotionless sex is easy. It's when you truly care about someone that it gets complicated...

Things I don't want to forget about last night:

The way his eyebrows would lift up as if totally surprised every time I kissed him
When he made me lean in to kiss him so that he would “know I was kissing him and not vice versa”
“Truth time”
Pinky swearing that if we felt awkward in the am we'd be honest
Him telling me, “You smell really good...sorry, was that creepy?”
Him taking pictures of us, because he wanted to remember this moment
How hugging him just felt right
The way he cupped his hands around my chin and pulled me in for each kiss
He told me I'm the perfect height
He was wearing a shirt that has batman and robin kissing, so I said, “So, I guess I'm Robin...” and he replied, “If that means I'm Batman, hell yeah.”
He joined in when I did “runway” down his apt. hall
I told him he's “fun” (refer back to Lacey's and my conversation about Todd and other boys not being “fun enough”) North totally is.


Think I need to see him again tomorrow. Haven't felt this way about a guy since the infamous ex and I started dating...eek. Scary shit.