Saturday, September 12, 2009

Not the end...but the BEGINNING.


September 12, 2009.

So, I've reached a major decision. I am finished with this blog. I realized something scary today. I've spent the last 255 days of this year focusing on men when all I wanted to do was have a year without them. I've given the men in my life too much credit and too much opportunity to rule my emotions. They don't deserve this much responsibility and neither do I. Therefore, I would like to spend the next 110 days of my year focusing on me. My likes, my dislikes and what makes me happy.

I won't stop blogging. I'm starting a new blog and titling it “The last 110 days”. My goal is for the rest of the year, each and every day I am going to try something I've never tried before. Hairstyles, makeup, clothing, food, socializing, books, etc and so forth. I hope you will tune in to my new blog and I hope you enjoy it 110% more than this one.

Someone just informed me today that this blog just “sounds so sad” and they were absolutely right. Because I'm putting all my energy and focus into what makes me sad...my relationship with men. So now I'm moving forward and putting all my energy and focus into what makes me happy...my relationship with myself. Hopefully 110 days are enough to restore the person inside, who I know is waiting so anxiously to get released from jail!

Thank you my loyal followers for being so friendly, helpful, supportive and non judgmental!

Not Interested?

September 12, 2009.

Ugh. I had a mini internal breakdown last night.

Had an audition yesterday in Burbank right smack in the middle of rush hour. So afterwards, instead of heading all the way back to M.B. in that awful traffic, I headed to the Oaks where Nikki and Lacey were at work, so hang out and wait for traffic to clear.

When I got there our friend Maf was there. We know him through one of Nikki's ex's and he's just an awesome guy. Him and Nikki went on a few dates, but decided friendship was a better idea and he's one of the rare and wonderful guys that actually meant that.

So, I chatted with him at the bar for a bit. He's like this crazy master at reading people and as soon as I walked in he goes, “How're the boys?” and I gave him this look apparently and he said, “Wow! You are just so not interested in guys right now.” And I got all worked up and started passionately arguing that I am interested, it's the guys who aren't interested in me.

But then, later on the drive back down to M.B. it hit me. I don't think I am interested in guys right now. At least not any of the guys that L.A. has to offer. And I think that's my whole problem. I go through the motions of being interested, because, well, that just seems like what I'm supposed to do. Everyone else is flirting, and drinking and hooking up and having one night stands...isn't that what I should do too?

But here I am going through the motions, but I'm sending out this vibe to every guy that comes in contact with me that I'm not interested. Subconsciously. Without even realizing it. I'm turning men away.

Wow.

Lacey and I had decided to go out to Mucho's that night with Goofball and his whole clan. We did a little pre-gaming at the apartment and then met up with them on their walk down to the bar. They're fun guys. We got to the bar and had a drink and did some dancing and one of their friends who was with them was chatting me up and seemed really interested and then, just disappeared.

Oh well, I was just being friendly. I danced a bit more and hung with Lacey. Then I went to go get us another round of drinks and was standing at the bar for a ridiculous amount of time waiting to be noticed while the bartender kept waiting on people that were there after me. I have no patience for bad customer service. Even if you're working a very crowded bar, fucking pay attention to the girl that's been staring at you holding out her credit card for the past twenty minutes. So, when that happens to me I refuse to give that business my money. I walked away. That's when I realized i'm just over it.

I'm over the games.
I'm over the guys.
I'm over the drunkenness.
I'm over the one night stands.
I'm over the trying to be noticed.
I'm over the hoping it'll turn out to be meaningful.
I'm over standing there like an idiot because I have no interest in striking up a conversation with anyone around me.
I'm over pretending to be like everyone else.

There was one moment I was an absolute complete bitch to one of the drunk guys there and if that guy ever reads this, I do apologize. I was just so OVER IT.

He walked over and started chatting with me and Lacey and he goes, “Hey, where you guys from?”

Without even looking at him, I go, “Nowhere you've heard of.”

“Try me! I know lots of places!”

Lacey chimes in, “She's from Kansas.”

Drunk guy, “What? I know Kansas, I'm from there too! What part?”

Me still not looking his way, “You wouldn't know.”

Drunk guy, “You're right, I'm not actually from there, I'm a liar.”

Me, “Yeah, you all are [liars].”

Lacey starts laughing at this point. Then I pretend like I'm about to puke, thinking the guy can't really see me. But apparently I wasn't as sly as I had thought, so he goes, “Well, I'll leave you girls alone, I hope it wasn't the sight of me that was making you want to throw up.”

And that's when I realized I was being a bit too bitchy (I swear I'm not always like that) and so I said, “Oh, no! I'm sorry, she (pointing at Lacey) made me do a shot of whiskey and it always makes me want to puke!”

Drunk guy, “Well, have a good night!”

Yeah, that was pretty low. I just get in these moods where I don't want any guy to even approach me because no matter what comes out of his mouth, I won't believe it.

I'm so jaded now. I wish I weren't.

I walked home alone because Lacey was trying to spend more time with Beans and I just needed to get out of there and I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun. I text four guys trying to find someone who was awake that I could talk to on my way home, because it's a little scary anywhere you are walking home alone. I text: Drummer, Seattle, Adain, and Pete. Ugh. I really wish I hadn't.

And thank God I don't have “the ex”'s number anymore because I really considered dialing it last night. That would've been an absolute disaster.

Don't know if I'll be going to bars again anytime soon. It's just so hard. How do you be social without seeming like you're out there to be hit on? And without being an absolute bitch?

Oy, work tonight will at least keep my mind off of things. I hope.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

No Prospects.

September 10, 2009.

Lonely. I kept looking at my phone today wondering why I have no calls and no text messages from any boys. No one for that matter. I live with my two best girls out here, so of course I have no messages from them. But, no prospects are texting me, calling me, seeing what I'm up to. I've managed to turn off, piss off, or push away every single guy that is or ever has been attracted to me. WTF?

I just want one that's genuinely interested...is that too much to ask??

I was reading my horoscope today for the month and yes I do like to read it but no, I don't let it determine my life. But let's watch and see. It predicted that September was going to be a very hard month...the 17th especially. Something drastic is going to happen which may make me depressed. And as far as love goes, I may meet someone older, only this time “the age difference doesn't bother either one of us” or I may meet someone that doesn't live here “only this time it works out.” I read that and I exclaimed, “Fuck my life!!”

I don't want an older guy and I don't want any more long distance. I just want someone my age who's looking to enjoy life, have fun, fall in love for a bit and lives in the general area.

Ok horoscope...hope you're wrong!

Today was my day off, but I spent the whole day in doctors offices. Blah. I hate being a responsible adult sometimes. It just kind of blows.

Alright. I got nothin'. Updates tomorrow.

Feeling at Home.


September 9, 2009

Today was pretty sweet. I woke up bright and early to go to my first official meeting for the new restaurant in M.B. It made me feel so much better about my living sitch and about my money sitch. I think it's gonna take a lot of stress off of me. Super, super excited to start working down here!

Then I went to the mall with Nikki and Roger, got my eyebrows threaded (which is awesome, btw, if you've never had it done before, it's sooo much better then waxing!), bought some new jeans and spent money I shouldn't have spent.

Then hung out at the apt until work, carpooled there with Roger and made absolutely no money this evening. There was no one there. I had a total of about 7 tables in the 5 hours that I was there and only one of them was a 4 top...in restaurant speak, that's pretty bad.

I've made some awesome plans with one of my co-workers though. We're gonna set up weekly meetings with one another to motivate ourselves to further our acting careers. I'm pretty stoked! Our first meeting is next friday and our goal for next week (we're gonna set a goal for each week) is to buy a book recommended by one of my acting teachers and have started reading it by next Wednesday. It's a book about confidence...that thing that makes the great actors really shine. We both could use some of that these days. I just think this will really help us both stay active and keep hustling until we are the next Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. (I know that was a really random reference, but I admire those actresses because they both made a living doing what they love and I feel remained true to themselves the entire time.)

Well...now that my career and my job seem to be falling nicely into place, I'm still missing the man. But, I've heard often enough, you can't have it all!

I've been thinking about M2 and how I really, truly enjoyed the very short time I spent with him and do hope that he contacts me sometime. We didn't exchange numbers...I just always feel now like, what's the point?

It just leads to false hope that they'll call or stay in touch. Bullshit. I have tomorrow and Friday off, so I hope I get into some trouble. I'm lookin' for it!

I'll update tomorrow!

Keep your dreams big and keep chasing them! One day you're bound to succeed or at the very least get further than you ever imagined!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

M Squared...

September 8, 2009.

Well! I was definitely on a mission last night. I wanted to make out! We spent the whole day at the beach, which was awesome, getting drunk, which was awesome, then came back to our apartment to eat some fish and drink some more.

We had a blast and we had quite a collection of people come down to hang out. It was nice though, because they all came at different times, so it was never too many people.

Adain swung by and it was really nice to see him. We were chatting in my room and I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to kiss him. I think he was thinking the same thing because shortly after that thought passed through my mind he hopped over to sit on the bed with me. Then we just sort of started cuddling and I was rubbing his back and it was just sweet. Then eventually he kissed me. It was funny because, we've kissed before, but it definitely felt like a first kiss, since it's been so long.

I was really enjoying my snuggle fest with Adain, but it was about 8pm and we had all decided to go out to Hermosa last night, and I knew I'd regret it if I didn't join the group. As much as I loved the thought of spending the night next to Adain, I chose my friends. He had just gotten off a long weekend of work, so he was too exhausted to go out with us. I told him he could just crash here and I'd see him when I got back, but he had to go back to Venice where he'd been staying and collect his belongings. Oh well.

So we headed to Hermosa which started out pretty badly. It was empty and most everything was closed. But we eventually ended up in Patrick Malloy's. Lacey's Drummer had taken her car because he had to go back to his place to get something and he was bringing a friend back with him...

So L's drummer and his friend, M2(squared), met us back in Hermosa. We were calling him M2 because they have the same name...so we needed some distinction. I was digging M2 and I am single, so even though I had kissed Adain earlier that evening, I wasn't about to miss out on this opportunity. I know...back to my old habits.

Well, M2 was apparently digging me as well, so we didn't try to mask our attraction.

Oh gosh, but before he got there, Mike from work had been hanging with us all day and he is just the worst when he's drunk. He's an ass. Since Nikki and Lacey both pretty much had guys with them, I was the only “available” hook up. Of course, the fact that I'm totally not interested in him didn't phase him. He was convinced it was gonna happen. So at this last bar we went to, I got a case of the hiccups so he grabs me and says, “This'll take care of that for you!” and he goes in to kiss me. So I turned my head and he kissed my cheek. And he was still holding onto me and I was trying to get him off of me and I was saying, “No, Mike, I don't wanna kiss you!” And then the next thing I knew his tongue was jammed down my throat.

I pushed him off of me and walked away, Nikki and Lacey had seen it and were freaking out. Yup...Mike raped my mouth. Disgusting. I was pissed. Apparently he'd been saying to Lacey all night, “Yup, Irene wants me...we have a past.” So gross.

Well thank goodness for M2. He was there to protect me. He was very sweet. He's from Minnesota and was out here on business, so alas, nothing is going to come of it, but it was fun!

We all came back to the apt at who knows what time, and Lacey and her drummer, M2 and I decided to go skinny dipping in the ocean...again, clothes coming off. This is becoming a theme. I can't let that keep happening.

Well, the four of us ran down there, stripped down and ran into the water. It was so much fun! Then we ran back to the apartment and I just remember M2 going, “I need to shower!” So I grabbed two towels and said, “Ok, let's go shower!”

So we showered together and made out and it was all sorts of fun, then we climbed into my bed nakey, made out some more and yes, got our groove on. Yet again, I have to reset my counter, but I have to say 38 days...not so bad!

This morning when I woke up, I tried to piece everything together. M2 and I chatted for a bit. He's really a nice guy. I like him. More than I was expecting to. Unfortunately, I ended up having to drive him to the airport at noon because his flight plans changed. He was supposed to be here all day and leave at midnight. Bummer.

Things that were pretty cute of him:

-He asked to see my headshots...(really??)
-After round 2 this morning he looks at me and goes, “well, that was kind of random.”
-He tried to give me money for gas since I took him to the airport and didn't have much so he said he was gonna send me money. I told him I wouldn't accept that and he said, “Ok, well then I'll buy you dinner next time I'm out here.” I smiled and said, “Deal.”
-He kissed me on the cheek and said, “It was nice meeting you!”

Why does the Midwest have to keep all the good ones??? It's just not fair.

Lacey called me a couple hours ago and informed me that her drummer is no more. She asked him today to define what they were and he said, “I just don't have time in my life for a relationship right now.”

What does that mean?????????? I mean, what've you been doing? You've been taking time to come hang out in Manhattan Beach, you've been sleeping over, you've been having her sleepover, isn't that just as much time as a relationship would take up?

Guys out here are just idiots. Sucks, cuz L's drummer was a lot of fun and I liked them together. And, I have to admit, I was regaining hope that there might be someone for me too, if Lacey's and Nikki can both find some good ones, there's gotta be one out there for me! But, maybe not.

Adain was gonna come hang out today, but plans changed. I ended up running around a bit after the airport. I'm kind of glad that he didn't come because I think he was really just expecting and wanting to have sex, and I didn't really want to. And I know this sounds terrible, but I probably would have because otherwise I would've felt like a tease. Not that I told him I was gonna have sex with him, but I think that's what we were both thinking about last night when we talked about making plans today.

Well, my life is back to normal. No stable guys. Whatev's, I guess I just don't have time for a relationship right now...

Monday, September 7, 2009

When does the Party Stop?

September 7, 2009.

Happy Happy Labor Day!

So, basically, I didn't post yesterday or the day before because my life has been one nonstop party since I've returned to Manhattan Beach interspersed with a bit of work here and there.

I got back at 8:30pm friday night and Laurie dropped me at home and had to run because he was off to hang with Madrid. Then I received a text from Lacey saying, “Get ready! We're going out!” So I got a little dolled up and waited for Lacey and Nikki to get home from work. We called up the boys we had met the first night and they were out at a walkable bar so we met them there.

One of them stopped when they saw us and goes, “Oh, are you the Dong Bongers??” Oh man, I hope we're not forever called that, but it was pretty hysterical. Well, we drank beer did some shots and headed to another bar called Beaches cause the girls wanted to dance.

It ended up being the three of us, Goofball and one of his friends that we just met that night. Goofball is so damn funny. He's 26 but definitely looks older and I swear that his mission in life is to just get wasted. Screw the hot girls that dancin' up on him and just give him that damn beer!

After Beaches we walked back to our place because Gb was dying to hit the dong bong again. On the way we walked on the beach...it was pretty awesome. Gb gave me a piggyback ride for a bit and then I remember us running for some reason back to the apartment. I don't know why we felt the urge...we just did.

And Lacey felt the urge to strip down...yup, into her skivvies. It was awesome. We have a pretty badass pic of it, and i'll post it when and if I get her permission to. When we got back to our place I decided it was my bedtime and I just went straight for bed. I'll admit, I was sort of hoping Gb would come cuddle, but really only because I've been dying to cuddle with someone. It's been sooooo long!!!

But, he was a good boy, didn't try anything and was more interested in the Dong Bong, which we have now deemed his girlfriend, since, he is so in love with it, he would probably marry it.

Yesterday, Lacey and I went shopping in preparation for this evening's activities and then laid out on the beach. Goofball, Beans and Alan met up with us. They're really cool guys and I'm glad we've met them already.

Lacey has quite the crush on Beans and I'll be honest. It kind of upset me cause, I do too. And I always choose my ladies over guys, so after she admitted that, I knew I couldn't do anything about it. Plus, I'm not about to compete or show off for a guys attention, so I just kind of laid low.

I had to work yesterday and was so anxious to get cut so that I could go party with the girls back in M.B. Unfortunately, even though I got off fairly early I had a snag in the road...my tire went flat. It was inevitable, I had hit it pretty bad a few months ago and had a bump in it, so it finally couldn't handle the stress. Ugh. I pulled off into a hilton parking lot and called the girls. I just didn't know what to do. I don't have AAA anymore and I don't know how to change my tire (I know, typical girl). So Lacey and Nikki showed up to help because Nikki does know how to change a tire (I know, badass girl), and when they showed up I had just about every Valet there trying to help me. It was ridiculous. The whole thing took about two hours because first, we couldn't get the spare out of my trunk. We had to break a piece off to get it out. Then the lugnuts on that particular tire were different than my others, so we needed a special rachet, which no one had, of course. Then when AAA finally showed up they forgot the proper tools, so they had to go back get it. ARRRRGGGGHGGHHH! It was so frustrating.

Finally, we got the spare on and were able to head to M.B. to start our festivities.

I drank...a lot. I just went for it. Balls to the wall. Then we headed out to more walkable bars and I proceeded to just get wasted.

I was supposed to hear from North last night, but of course, he's MIA. I just think I have to be done. No more chances. Things with guys shouldn't be this forced or hard to achieve. So, Lacey's drummer showed up last night and brought a few people with him. They weren't very fun. So, once again on the walk home, Nikki and I decided this time that we would strip down to our skivvies. I only ran around in my bra and jeans, but Nikki pulled a Lacey and was in her bra and undies. Awesome. Then Nikki and I decided that we didn't want the rest of the group to catch up to us, so we sprinted home.

I don't know what it is about M.B. but it brings out the stripping marathon runners inside of us. Ridiculous!

Today is just gonna be one long day of partying as well...i just made myself a wine smoothie and am about to head to the beach! Hope ya'll have a great labor day too!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Flying "home".

September 4, 2009.

I'm f*ing freezing!!!!! I'm flying back to L.A at the moment and trying so hard not to shake from how cold it is on this damn plane. I hate flying.

Well, it turns out that Laurie is picking me up from the airport. Not what I was expecting, but a pleasant surprise. Drummer had responded with, “Ah, I would but I'm gonna be in Santa Barbara!” and Laurie responded with, “What airport and what time?”. Of course, there was no response from North.

Lacey was totally willing to come grab me, but she's gonna be at work, so Laurie is a sweetheart and he said that he's gonna be in the area and he'll come get me. Yay! No cab fee! It's funny because I totally wanna buy a round of drinks to thank Laurie or something, which costs money, but for some reason it just seems like a better way to spend my money than on cab fare.

I dreamt about Drummer last night. I dreamt that it was tomorrow and he came over to hang out and we were talking and got real close and we kissed. Sweetly and innocently. Don't even think there was any tongue involved. Then, in my dream it was just assumed that he'd be sleeping over, so he climbed in my bed and for some reason I had to finish something I had been doing earlier. And then, the next thing I knew I was finally ready for bed, but it was 8am and Drummer was getting up to go do something. So, I had completely missed my opportunity to snuggle that boy all night.

Strange dream.

So I daydream about North and my subconscious dreams about Drummer in the night. Dream analysis anyone?

I also dreamt in that same dream that Jess hadn't moved away because she had a disagreement with her boyfriend and she was still living in L.A. and owned a Llama. Perhaps, my mind was just being creative last night. Who knows!

I believe I'm still going to see Drummer tomorrow night. I have no idea what the plan is for tomorrow yet, but I hope whatever happens will be fun. I need adult fun. Not sex, but flirting and drinking and swearing and maybe a little making out. That would be fun.

Man. Being an “adult” is a funny thing. You have all the freedom in the world to do whatever it is you want. So why do some choose to do things that make them unhappy?

I want to be an actress. At least that's what I've told myself my entire life. Then how come when I think about going back to acting class next week, I get nervous and want to postpone for another few weeks. Yes, there's the money issue. I don't have any. But, I know that my teacher would let me write her an I.O.U. if I needed. So, what's scaring me or holding me back from having the life I've always wanted?

I have an audition coming up on Sunday. I'm happy to have an audition right when I get back because I get too comfortable when I'm away from this competitive grueling acting scene. I need to dive right back in, hence the reason I should not take a week off from my acting class. I need to go right back in, have my butt kicked by my teacher, get better at this thing I supposedly love and supposedly want to do for the rest of my life and freaking make a name and career for myself!!!!! Just do it!!!

Alright, so that was more a little pep talk I needed for myself. I hope that helped, Irene. Get back on track and hustle!

This blog was a bit random, but these are the things that go through my head while in a state of half awakeness on this long flight back to my future in L.A.

The future can be quite intimidating.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Mr. Fearless...where are you?


September 3, 2009.

Happy birthday big sis!! Today was her 27th and it was awesome. We did the worlds at Epcot and I learned that I like Norwegian men. They are pretty darn beautiful...got a pic with one that should be my future husband. Perhaps I'll spend a summer in Disney and meet the man of my dreams.

I wish I had a boyfriend to return home to. First, I may not have anyone to pick me up from the airport tomorrow night. In a midday drunk-at-Disney state of mind I stupidly (and embarrassingly) sent a text to three boys I wouldn't mind having as my chauffeur's tomorrow. Laurie, North and Drummer. Just to see if any would be available and/or willing to pick me up.

Lacey has offered, but depending on what time I get in, she might be at work. Blah. I really don't want to spend money on a cab. Yuck.

Today was a whole lot of fun, but I really miss being around people my age with my same interests. I just became so damn boy crazy that I would check out anyone and everyone that appeared to be over the age of 18 and under the age of...well, 80. Not cool.

I keep daydreaming about North. Not sure this is such a great thing, but it sure is fun.

Sometimes though, I just can't picture myself with a boyfriend anymore. I'm a very independent woman and I need a guy who's okay with that. Sometimes, and I know this will sound horrible, but I feel too manly to be a girlfriend. I'm not feminine enough for most guys. I like dressing up and being girly, but more often then not, I like being strong, wise and powerful.

Alright...I need a fearless man to come my way!

Leaving Florida tomorrow and back to life as I know it in good old L.A. Can't wait!

Learn from Mothers Mistakes.


September 2, 2009.

Yay! I'm beating my pattern! One two punch in the balls! I just text North, because quite frankly I was thinking about him all last night and all this morning and I miss him. I think we could have a really great thing and I'm just not ready to throw in the towel.

He's not like typical L.A. guys, that's why I knew there had to be something up other than him just not being interested. Apparently (I just learned) that his temp job has gotten extended 10 more days. It was supposed to be over and done with on the 27th, but now it looks like he'll still be working till this upcoming Friday.

After I text him that I was in need of some “adult conversation and a large glass of liqueur” he called me. He said, “I'm not sure if I have much to offer in the way of adult conversation, but...”

Adorable. I just really like him. I was picturing one of the Saturdays that we hung out and how I was sitting with him at one point, in a rather cozy position, very couple-esque and we were reminiscing about college. I loved that. It was really special to me.

So, I just told him that this next weekend once I'm home he should come and hang out at the new place. Since, after all it is going to be labor day weekend and there will be crazy parties and what not going on. He said he just might come down to hang out on Sunday...sounds good to him. Perfect. I know this is terrible, but now, if Drummer comes and hangs on Saturday, at least I won't have to be entertaining two guys at once.

I still think Drummer's quite cute and a great catch, I just can't shake North yet. Plus, Drummer'll be going on tour with his band in October and I just don't really want to date someone that's gonna be gone for awhile, even if it's just a month. I don't like that.

Man oh man, I'm ready to be back in the west.

I'm alone in the hotel right now because everyone else is going to the nearest Hess station to pick up some chewing tobacco for my bro-in-law. Sometimes I look at my sister and I just can't help but wonder what's going on in her head. Quite often I have to bite my tongue about things.

She's now a step-mother to an 8yr old, which means if it were her own, she would've had her at 19. Eek. She loves her stepdaughter but when I watch them, all I see is frustration in my sister's eyes. She's constantly telling her what not to do and very rarely says sweet things. Not that she isn't loving, I just feel like she's taken on the role of sergeant so that Daddy can be the best friend. The one who doesn't have to discipline. Then, Sister gets annoyed because Daddy isn't disciplining. It's a ridiculously obnoxious thing to witness.

Then, today, when the rain hit while we were in the park and we all had poncho's except for bro-in-law, and b.i.l. hasn't had his chewing tobacco for a week and hasn't had a single beer yet today, things got tense. And I just couldn't help but think to myself (and I held my tongue) that I was witnessing my father.

My father was a great dad. He was a great friend. He was funny and fun and lovable and generous. But when it came to being a husband...he was sort of a baby. My mom was constantly trying to “fix” whatever was ailing him at the moment and trying to make him happy...to no avail. Well, this is what I witness with Sis and Bro-in-law. He was a big baby today.

I just want my sister to be happy. That is all. And if she honestly believes this is the happiest she can be, then so be it. I believe it too. I just hope she isn't settling for someone that will drive her crazy like our dad did to our mom.

I love/loved both my parents and wouldn't trade them for the world. But, I do wish I could take all those years of depression and strife and fighting and tears out of my childhood and out of my mom's past and replace it with laughter and love and singing and joy. I fear our family wasted a lot of precious moments, believing our time together was endless. It was not.

Now, it's just me, my mom and my sis and I'm not willing to see any of the three of us unhappy! We are magnificently strong, beautiful, fun, smart women who deserve just as much in the men we end up with. I will not settle!

Uh-oh...


September 1, 2009.

I'm checking out dads and their twelve year old sons....this must stop!

Three more days until L.A. I need my crazy life back!

Eek!

"Hungry Eyes"


September 1, 2009.

Another month...new adventures! I'm still in Florida with the fam. It's been fun but yesterday I experienced the sending and receiving of what I'd like to refer to as “hungry eyes”. I miss guys my age that don't have wives and children!! I miss flirting. I miss making out! I don't really miss sex. I never, ever crave it anymore. Maybe I've curbed my appetite.

Well, we were down by the pool bar yesterday at our resort and there was a boy (and by boy, I mean guy my age) buying a drink. He was fairly attractive and our eyes met...we fell in love...and lived happily ever after. Right.

We spotted each other and our hungry eyes spoke to one other as only eyes of 25 year old single people in a world full of 10 year olds can do. We were craving adult conversation, drunken nights and hooking up. I could see it. I could smell it. I was, of course, with the fam, so there was no flirting that was to be taking place. Humph. I miss L.A.

It's just so different here. I watch these families with their wives and husbands and kids and grandparents and I just think to myself, 'I don't know if I ever want this.' The dads are all frowning, the moms are pulling their kids this way and that way. The kids are either whining or crying or drooling or pooping and the grandparents have their arms loaded up with bags and stuff that no one's going to remember a month from now.

Happiest place on earth? Not so sure.

Now don't get me wrong. I love my family and I'm having a blast with my sis, bro-in-law and niece. But, I think a week of this is all I could handle. I can't imagine this being my immediate life.

Perhaps when I meet Prince Charming, I'll change my mind. But, I doubt it.

I text Drummer last night. Just want people in L.A. to know I'm still alive. I feel like being gone for a week makes me miss so much stuff! I know I'm probably not really missing much, but it feels like a month.

Also, I went to bed last night thinking about North. It's just so perplexing. He's done with work and he seemed to be enjoying my company when we were together, but no word from him. It's kind of shocking. I expected at least a “Hey! No more work! Victory is mine!” text, but my phone has remained silent.

Granted, he knows that I was going out of town, so maybe he just figures he'll give me space and talk to me when I get back. But really?? No word whatsoever? And then I do what I always do and make excuses for the boys I like, because I know I do these things myself. What if he's just waiting to hear from me? What if he assumes I haven't text or called because I'm the one who's over it? Argh!!!!

I'm just so frustrated with the whole 'mating game'. I just want a fun guy to spend time with and do things with and hang out with and sleep next to. I don't need marriage and kids and happily ever after. Don't they get it?? I'm probably the best girlfriend they could hope for?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

Well, right when I get back there are going to be big Labor Day weekend parties going on all over Manhattan Beach. I've already invited Drummer, and I do hope he comes. I just wish it was going to be North. But, I obviously can't have them both there. Not gonna happen.

Alrighty, three more days with kids, candy and grumpy parents then it's back to Never-never land where I get to act like a child with people my own age, who refuse to grow up and get real jobs.

My niece said to me today, “I'm gonna go to college in California so I can live with you out there and then we can work at the same place!!”

“Cool!!” I responded with a great big grin. In reality I was thinking in my head, if in ten years (when she's off to college) I'm still working my restaurant job...it's time to re-evaluate my life.

I've gotta get a move on!

Someday my Prince will come.


August 29, 2009.

First day in Disneyworld! It was splendid! It was just as magical as I remember it being the last time I was here which was when I was in highschool (almost ten years ago now...wow!).

To top off an amazing day, in the morning, right when we arrived we were spotted by a Disney employee who invited us to lead the afternoon parade! He saw us all wearing mickey ears with our names on them and knew we had the Disney spirit in us. I think my face hurt from smiling so much!

We rode in the very first car in the parade along with a couple from Puerto Rico who were there celebrating a birthday. Our only requirements were to smile and wave like the world depended on it. It wasn't hard to do. My mom was hysterically laughing for the first five minutes in disbelief. It was definitely an awesome experience that's pretty rare.

I was smiling and waving my heart out when I caught eyes with a boy (and when I say boy, I mean guy about my own age...25) in the crowd. I don't know why he stood out, but he was staring back at me. We only go about 2mph along the parade route, so we had a good long time to stare. I could feel myself blushing, but couldn't look away. Huh.

So, we finished the parade and went on with our day. It was so much fun and I love my family to death. For some reason it's hard for me to express my feelings of joy to them. Sometime ago I decided in my head that it wasn't ok for me to tell them I love them or miss them or am having the time of my life with them...I think it has to do with my fathers death, but that's a whole long story for a whole other time.

Anywho, I love them, I miss them and I'm having the time of my life with them!

We decided to make Toontown one of our last stops before the end of the night parade. We were traversing through Mickey Mouse's house when I turned around and saw the boy from the parade standing across from me. We locked eyes. I quickly looked away again and blushed. We kept walking, I turned back to look and we locked eyes again. Then we heard the train coming that was to take us back to Main Street, so we rushed over and got on it.

Ok, I know this is silliness, but my heart literally skipped when I saw that boy again. I mean, I thought it had fallen out of my chest for a moment. It was probably just a normal human reaction to a surprise filled moment, but I don't know. Disneyworld is full of magic...

Who knows if I'll see him again, because this could've been his last day here. But, I sort of feel like if I see him again, I have to introduce myself or something. I mean, what would be the chances...

It's funny though, because if I were with my girls from Cali, it would be a whole 'nother story. Flirting with guys in front of the fam....hmmm. Not sure how to go about that.

I'll just leave it up to fate. If it's meant to be, a moment that is too perfect to plan for will present itself. For now, I'm off to dream of Prince Charmings and shooting stars!

Universe, take the lead...


August 28, 2009.

Flying into Orlando right now. I'm super excited to see my family. It's gonna be one great week. For some reason, the past five hours I've had Drummer on the brain. I'm ready to be happy with someone. Someone who's sweet.

Last night when we were leaving the bar where he played a show, Nikki said, “He seems really sweet.” He is. He's genuinely sweet. He's from Texas.

My biggest worry about the situation though is that he just looks so young. I feel no matter how many times he could say he's 25, I just don't see it, so I would constantly feel and act as though I was with someone younger and less mature, which is not the case at all, but it just feels like it.

I guess this week I should try and clear my mind of all things related to boys. I always tell friends when they have to decided between two guys to not talk to either one for a week and at the end of the week, see which one they miss and who's the first one they want to call.

I didn't mention the other day how I found a pic of me and HSSweetheart the other day during all my packing, so I text him. The pic was dated Aug. 23d, 2001. I found it on the 24th, almost exactly 8 yrs later to the date. He responded and told me that he had just found pics as well and wants to call me later this week to “catch up.” It makes me happy that we can be some form of 'friends' after all these years and all the ups and downs. It's time for me to be with someone like him again. A genuinely great guy. Affectionate, emotional, caring, passionate. Yup, I'm ready for another relationship that lasts longer than a year....I'm ready universe! Lead me to that guy!

Goodbye Oaks!


August 28, 2009.

2:41am.

Sittin' in my bedroom in Manhattan Beach...no more Sherman Oaks!! I'm completely moved out and moved on! So freaking exciting!

Yesterday was rather ridiculous. Nikki and I got up at 5:30, drove Lacey to the airport (she's off for yet another wedding) then headed back up to the valley as the sun was rising to finish cleaning our apartments. We cleaned until 11am, grabbed some lunch and headed back down to M.B. with a truck load of stuff.

We organized, showered and napped then it was back to the valley to do the finishing touches before heading out to see Drummer play a show in Glendale. When I got back to my apt I expected to be all set and final with my moving arrangements because Lil Bro had been there earlier and I had requested that he clean the microwave and swiffer since I pretty much did everything else. Well...when I got there, the place was still a mess. Awesome. So I cleaned as furiously and as fast as I possibly could. I was drenched in sweat. So much for looking cute for Drummer.

I was pretty pissed. But Nikki is awesome and she helped me get out of there as fast as I could. Then we grabbed a rewarding snack at McDonalds before heading to the show, however, I managed to spill McFlurry on my white shirt on the way...thank goodness for moving, because I had some clothes in the back of my car to change into. (Just to show you how ridiculous this past evening was, I had been sweating so badly from cleaning that I had taken my shirt off to avoid getting it all sweaty and disgusting, then went the the McD's drivethrough in my bra....needless to say, I made that guys night! Nikki was just cracking up the whole time.)

We finally made it to the show about 20min in, but we still got to see them play about 4 more songs. So, not too bad. Drummer is adorable. He gives great hugs. I can't wait to hang with him more. Tonight was kind of rushed. As soon as they were done packing their van they were ready to head back to T.O. But we invited them all to come hang on labor day weekend down in M.B. I hope they do.

I had been avoiding asking Drummer about that because I kept thinking, “well...what if North comes to hang?” But, I still have no word from North and I'm kind of over it. Bah!

Well, I just wanted to write real quick, hopefully I'll be able to post this soon, i've been sans internet due to moving, and I'm catching a flight in 6 hours to Florida to hang with the fam. I'll try to keep updating this week, but I make no promises!!

Drummer's adorable.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Digging up Emotions.

August 25, 2009.

Boy do I have a lot of feelings boiling up in me! I just spent the last hour and half studying/preparing for my acting class tomorrow.

My teacher believes in using “substitutions” meaning events and people from our actual lives that bring about similar emotions to the characters we are playing.

I find this incredibly difficult and I think I figure out why. Because I don't want to go there! My scene tomorrow involves a girl who is “in love” with a boy that's completely wrong for her, yet she's convinced herself and now trying to convince her friend that the boy is in fact in love with her...only to end the scene discovering that he's performed an ultimate act of betrayal.

So...my substitution? Tony. Every inch of my body needed to believe that Tony could actually love me. I need to be loved. I feel very forgotten and lonely these days. Sure, I've got the best girls in the world by my side, but there's only so much emotional support they can offer. I need someone to tell me they love me and prove to me they'll stick around.

Todd fled the scene never to be heard from again.

North no longer texts or calls and I think has forgotten I exist.

Tony was a complete ass and truly believed I'd still want to be friends with him even after he betrayed me along with one of my good friends.

And, that leaves...no one. Me, myself and I. I haven't been letting myself dive too deep into these emotions lately, just because it becomes a pain in my ars. But tonight, I dove....oh how I dove in order to do my scene work. I still don't think I'm 100% there because once I start rehearsing with the actual lines I lose some of my emotional prep. But, I'm on my way. Ugh. Acting can be so cruel.

Tomorrow I get to show the class how good, correction, how great I am at acting like a girl who so badly needs to be loved that she'll lie to herself and prove to herself that this asshole really loves her. Because if he doesn't, who will?

I hope I can just let myself go completely into this role. It's the only way it'll be good. And I think i'm terrified of showing the class what I can really do, because it's too honest.

Yup.

So there's that. I spent my whole day in Manhattan Beach today. It was lovely. Lacey and I went for a morning jog by the beach, walked to a local market to grab some bottled water, came back, I unloaded my car, we unpacked all the kitchen stuff I had brought. I tried to organize my room, but it pretty much looks like a tornado dropped a mack truck right in the middle of it. Then I went and read on the beach until sunset. It was lovely, but I'll be honest, I kept thinking the whole time, “I wish someone would approach me so I could make a friend.”

Moving is tough. Even though I'm so psyched to be in Manhattan Beach, I'm a little nervous because everything is new and different and I have to learn a whole new part of L.A. Where to shop, where to hang, where to workout, where to go to be social, etc. I'm nervous! It's like the first day of school all over again!

Well, tomorrow I go back to the Oaks for class, work and then to pick up the rest of the stuff that's at my apt so that I can spend all day on thursday cleaning everything! I'm so tired of cleaning! But the nice thing is that I'm going on a week long vacation (and may not be blogging) starting friday and when I come back, everything will be in M.B. and all of my affairs in the Oaks (literally and figuratively) will be behind me! That's pretty darn exciting!

Alright, I'm off to clear my head so that I can get some rest before tomorrow's emotional rollercoaster.

Sweet dreams!

Monday, August 24, 2009

I want you to want me!

August 24, 2009.

“There's blood in my mouth 'cause i've been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but i never say anything.
And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news,baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me,
Like you,
'Cause we'll all be portions for foxes.
Yeah, we'll all be portions for foxes.

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty, and she's real into you
And then she's sleepin' inside of you.

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left.

And it's bad news. I don't blame you,
I do the same thing. I get lonely too.
And you're bad news; my friends tell me to leave you,
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

You're bad news,baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
I like you”
[ Portions For Foxes Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

I just heard that song, it's by Rilo Kiley. Wish I could say I wrote those lyrics, cuz it pretty much sounds like my life. Oh Rilo...how you sing my soul!
Not much news to report today. Still packing. Still cleaning. Still no word from North.

I was feeling pretty happy earlier today so I text Drummer, “What are you doing tonight?”

Apparently he's driving up to Redwood City to play a show tomorrow. Our schedules really just don't match up. I told him I'm leaving on friday for a week so we better hang soon!

It's funny for awhile I didn't want to hang with him again because I just don't want to lead him on if I do in fact have a chance with North. But now the more I think about it, I've been pushing away the one boy that's genuinely interested in spending time with me. Drummer texts all the time trying to get me to hang out and I continually say, “Not tonight”. Well, not anymore! I think I'd like to spend time with a boy that wants to spend time with me.

It's all just part of my pattern. I go for the unavailable, uninterested ones because they're more of a challenge. C'mon...who doesn't choose the hard to get ones?

Over that game. Drummer...let's hang!

p.s. Nikki's already had sex twice in the new place...I feel some bitterness arising in the next few weeks. Thank goodness I'm headed out of town for a full week! Eek!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Exhaustion.


August 23, 2009.


Exhaustion. Utter and complete exhaustion. Moved a bunch of stuff out of the Oaks and into MB yesterday. Came back to the valley, met up with Nikki and Lacey and headed to The Roxy to see a band play. Lacey knows the drummer so we went to support. It was a rather good time!

Then L's drummer invited us all to come hang out at a house party in the Woods. Nikki had an early morning, so we dropped her back in the Oaks and headed back down to Hollywood to attend this party.

We agreed that if it was lame we'd head out quickly. But we also decided we wouldn't allow it to be lame. Or rather, I decided. As soon as we got in the door I chugged a beer. Then as Lacey keeps saying, I was “on fire!” We had groups of boys around us all night long and I just kept 'em laughing. L's Drummer was a lot of fun! I like the idea of her and him. I won't get ahead of myself, but I think they're cute together.

I was just insane last night. I didn't do anything too stupid. Except I ended the night by making out with this rather tall, very shy gentleman. Man was he shy. It's funny how the very first kiss got me thinking, “yeah...not as fun as I'd hoped.”

He was incredibly sweet, a complete gentleman, but I was honestly, just drunk. This is the first guy I've kissed since North and I started locking lips. I didn't like it. I miss North's lips. I don't think I get to see him this weekend. I finally heard from him (but only because I initiated it) and found out that he's been working almost 80 hours nonstop this week. No wonder he's been MIA. Just wish he'd have desired to text or call me on his breaks. No such luck.

I don't know when I'll get to see him again and it makes me rather disappointed. I need to move on, but I don't want to.

Gah!!! Nikki said to me yesterday, “Don't worry girl, it'll happen when you least expect it.” I don't know how I could expect it any less than I do now. I literally feel as if I'm just destined to be single for the rest of my life. I'm so sick of everyone saying, “It'll happen when you stop looking.” “You'll find the right one when it's your time.” Blah, blah, bite me.

Ever notice that the people saying this are always in a relationship?

Humph. Well, we closed out that house party last night. Lacey and I left at 5:30am with her drummer and we went to get breakfast (best bfast I've had in L.A. at this place called K24...check it out, it's killer!). Then Lacey and I came home as the sun was rising and crashed in my bed until about noon when I had to start getting ready for a rehearsal for class.

So, yeah, I'm pretty exhausted and running on very little fuel right now. My eyes don't want to stay awake, and yet, I'm planning on driving down to MB to drop of a car load of stuff, spend the night and then come back up here tomorrow for a whole 'nother load of stuff.

Moving is ridiculous. I have too much stuff. Wish I knew how to be a minimalist.

I want a boyfriend. Blah!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Welcome Back to College


August 23, 2009.

It's only 9:27am and I just can not wait to blog about last night.

First, what is the deal with people being so damn quiet in L.A.????? When I first moved out here I thought L.A. was going to be like this completely crazy party town, where everyone is wild and drinking and doing drugs and having house parties and pool parties and out until all hours of the night.

This is not the case. Apparently, if you're hanging out on your deck with two girlfriends drinking a glass of wine and laughing at 1am on Friday evening, your neighbors scream out their windows, “PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!”

Well. This is just not gonna fly! So we were feeling good last night after our wine and we decided to venture down the street. In our p.j.'s and Nikki and Lacey decided to go sans shoes. Not even five minutes goes by and we meet someone.

His name is Bert. He lives a couple blocks down. He has four single roommates. He invited us to come back to his place...oh yeah and we were carrying around the Dong Bong (have I mentioned that in early posts, man, I hope so!). So, it being our first night in Manhattan Beach and all, we decided to go make some friends.

If you've never been, basically Manhattan Beach is like one big college dorm with the brainy obnoxious neighbors that are trying to get sleep because like fools they signed up for the saturday classes also.

We walked the short four blocks and entered Bert's place and were introduced to his 4 “single” roomies. One by one. We met one outside. He was a goofball and may be the most fun of them all. Then we met one who was chillin' on the couch...he's a bit socially awkward. Then Goofball gave us a tour of the place and we met Beans, who was asleep, so Lacey jumped on him to get him up. Then a few minutes later the last one emerged from the basement, along with a girl, who seemed too comfortable with him for him to seem “single”.

We stayed and all took coors light out the Dong Bong....yes, everyone did. All the boys seemed a bit more excited about it than the girls. It was pretty awesome. We apparently made such a ruckus that the cops were called on us. What is the deal California?!?!?!?!?!?!? But the cops were chill and just told us to “close the windows”, just like they did when they showed up at my place. So weird.

We stayed for a bit longer and the thing I loved, absolutely loved about this scenario, was that the guys weren't obnoxious and trying to get in our pants. They were literally just hanging out with us. Oh my goodness...is it possible to have a guy friend in Manhattan Beach? It just might be! Psyched would be what I'm feeling right now.

After quite the fun evening, we realized it was 3am and we had abandoned our apartment leaving the door unlocked and candles burning(yes we failed safety class), so we decided to head out. But we didn't get very far before Nikki and Lacey both decided they had to pee and couldn't wait 4 blocks. They crouched in front of our new friends apartment and did their thing. Just then Goofball appeared and shouted, “I saw that!” And Nikki and Lacey took off running down the street, dropping the mug Nikki was carrying and smashing it all over the middle of the street.

Turns out all Goofball wanted was someone's number so that he could call us tonight and invite to come over to party with them again. Awesome. We made friends our first night in the dorms, er, I mean, in Manhattan Beach!

It's gonna be one wild and crazy year! I can smell it! We're in trouble.

* * *

Well, back in the real world, aka the Valley, I'm gonna do some packing today and possibly some more driving because, surprise, surprise another friend of mine who I know from back East is visiting Covina. I think it's like a 45 minute drive east. Ugh. So sick of driving, but I guess August is just a month for me to reconnect with people from my past. I'm gonna go have lunch with him, come home and pack up my car, then get ready for another crazy evening with the girls. Tonight we're doin' up Hollywood. Man, oh man.

Updates tomorrow!

Wine with the Ladies....


August 22, 2009.

Lacey got me good tonight. I had my performance tonight (I'm in a female quartet, if I hadn't mentioned that before) and Lacey and another girl from works were planning on coming. I was really happy to have friends come to see my work. I text Lacey to make sure she didn't get lost on the way, “Did you make it?” and she responded, “Nah...I'm sorry, I'll see you tonight girl! Xoxoxox.” I just about cried. I was so sad that she wasn't coming. It made me realize how important it was to have her there.

But, she got me. When we came out on stage she was right there in the second row...

It was a decent show, of course I fumbled...damn nerves.

But tonight is one very extremely exciting night....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

WE'RE SLEEPING AT MANHATTAN BEACH FOR THE FIRST NIGHT!!!!!

Just for the record, I love these girls! I know we'll probably have our tiffs now and then, but damn, I love these girls!!!

This is going to be one of my favorite living situations probably ever. Ever.

So, I have a feeling that most of my blogging is gonna be about these girls rather than boys. Especially since there really are no boys happening in my life lately.

Still no word from North. Drummer's out of town. Adain called today out of the blue to invite me to a pool party this evening...but I felt like he really just needed a “date” or something. It was weird. I didn't go.

And that's all folks. Gonna go enjoy our first glasses of wine in our brand new lovely apartment! Hope you're all having a lovely evening as well! Toodles!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Don't Worry, Be Happy!


August 21, 2009.

I got away for a night and it was just what the doctor ordered. I think L.A. is the cause of all my symptoms. I was feeling so stressed and angry for no reason. I didn't realize this until I was in the middle of Yucca Valley spending time with one of my best friends (Ike) and his Aunt and 8 yr old cousin. Real people, with real values and real lives. It was just what I needed.

Ike is great. He's spent the entire week there with his family helping out because his Aunt is struggling with cancer as well as being a single parent. So he's basically been a 25 year old father of two for the week (his cousin's friend has spent almost every day with them also). I just sat back and watched as he nonchalantly took care of these two 8 yr. old girls and what respect they gave him! Every word they listened to. He barely had to raise his voice and they understood he meant business.

Ladies...Ike's a catch! He's fun, he's smart and damn he's gonna be a great dad someday!

I told him I'm proud to have a friend like him. I really am. It's been about 10yrs that we've known one another now and he is irreplaceable. Why have we never been together, you might ask? Well, two reasons 1) because he dated my cousin/best friend and you just don't cross those lines and 2) because I would never ever want to fuck up the relationship we have right now. He's one of the greatest guy friends I ever/will ever have. I love him!

Man, but in the short amount of time I just spent with his family, it just made me realize I need to take a step back from L.A. every once in awhile. It gets to be too intense. I also realized I have a goal for myself: I want to take a trip to Europe. A nice long, soul searching trip.

I don't know when this will happen, but I'm gonna start raising funds and picking places that I must see. This will happen before I'm thirty! I'm positive. I'd like to go with someone, but right now, I don't have to know who it will be. I'm not quite ready to decide yet.

Hmm...

Heard from Drummer today. He's adorable, I think he was in my dream last night.

Haven't heard from North. At all. Tomorrow's saturday, so maybe tomorrow.

Broke the cleanse a bit last night so that I could eat dinner with Ike and the girls. My stomach doesn't completely hate me!! But I'm gonna do the cleanse still for the next few days. I just want to feel like I have a clean slate.

Alright. Performance tonight. Moving stuff and a possible audition tomorrow. Life is good. No need to stress!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An Almagamation of Feelings...

August 19, 2009.

It is my very bestest friend's birthday today, so I first have to give her a shoutout and tell the world that I love her very much and world...if you do anything to make her cry, I'll have to kick your butt!

Ok. Well, I'm feeling a little lonely this evening. A little lonely. A little sad. A little stressed. And fairly hungry.

It's day 2 of my cleanse. I've done it pure for two days! Although, tonight I did not to the salt water flush because I may have quite an exhausting day ahead of me tomorrow and I don't want to be dehydrated.

Lets see:

Tonight I'm lonely because...

I haven't heard from North since Sunday and it just kind of makes me wonder.
I'm tired of not having a guy that sticks around.
I want to talk to someone and have no one to call.
I miss my girlfriends from the East.

Tonight I'm sad because...

Refer to most of the reasons I'm lonely.
Add that I'm doubting my acting ability.

Tonight I'm stressed because...

I have to pay my first months rent tomorrow and my bank account is extremely low.
I have now made plans to meet up with Ike tomorrow which involves me driving two hours away, going on a strenuous hike and they either telling him I can't eat dinner with him because I've started a cleanse, or eating dinner and potentially getting sick from having solid food in my stomach.

*phew!

Tonight I'm fairly hungry because...

Well, because I've been intaking nothing but liquids for the past two days.
However, I'm surprisingly not as hungry as I expected I would be.
Perhaps tomorrow will be another story.
I'm not ready to break my cleanse after two short days!!!! Noo!!!!

I think the main reason diets and cleanses fail is because peoples lifestyles don't accommodate for it. People are social creatures. Being social involves going out to eat or going out for coffee or going out for ice cream or going out for drinks...none of this is helpful when trying to avoid the intake of calories.

Well, I text Drummer tonight. Yup. I'm lonely. I just want someone to “watch 'I Love You Man' and drink Jack Daniel's” with...like Nikki and her boy are doing tonight. Not fair. I'm bitter. Yup. I said it. I'm bitter. And bitterness shall take me to sleep! Buenas Noches!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Cleanse...


August 18, 2009.

So day one of the Master Cleanse has come and (almost) gone...

The first part isn't so bad. You spend the day drinking a pitcher of homemade lemonade with cayenne pepper in it. Which, actually tastes pretty darn good.

But then...you have to chug 25 oz. of salt water. I almost threw up. A couple of times. This part is supposed to flush out your system. Awesome...can't wait. I did this about 20 minutes ago because I was home for the evening, no place to go, no people to see and I have the apartment all to myself. Well, it's supposed to take affect within 30 – 60min and lil bro just got home...awesome. Now I have an audience as I run to el bano every 5 minutes as my angry bowels yell at me!

Oh cleanse...I hope you're worth it.

I have absolutely no, and I repeat, no boy news to share with you today. I spent my day rather productively! Lacey and I walked to Trader Joe's to get supplies for our cleanse, then we came back to my apt and cheers'd our first glass of lemonade. Then we did level one of the 30-day shred...thanks Jillian! After which we chilled for a bit and watched the videos we took during our trip to Palm Springs. Lacey hadn't seen them yet. Made us miss Jess terribly! Come back from Hawaii!!! We need our fourth lady!

I then drove Lacey home and I ran a few errands and then did loads and loads of laundry in between packing up the kitchen. I have to say, I feel quite accomplished! The kitchen is looking emptier and emptier and cleaner and cleaner and I can't wait to start moving stuff into the new place.

The only boy I talked with today was Ike, my friend from home, who is currently in Cali helping with some family drama. He had a rough day and called because he needed someone to listen. I wish I could see him while he's in town. I just want to give him a great big hug and let him know everything's gonna work out, but he's about 2hrs south and super busy. I told him I'd drive to see him. I totally would. A hug would be worth it. He seems so stressed.

It's funny because he recently broke up with his girlfriend and is way upset about it. Last time I was home he was explaining to me how he's just ready for a relationship and wants to be settled down finally. I told him I was feeling the same way. He had started seeing a girl that we both knew in highschool and was really excited about this new prospect. Now, barely half a year later they're already over and done with. It sucks. I feel your pain Ike, I really do.

No word from North today, but not letting myself worry about it. I'm busy, he's busy. Life happens. Meh.

But I was thinking in the car on my way home from rehearsal this evening how I'm really ready to be with someone who's around a lot. More than once a week. Someone who hangs out with my friends and comes to my house on the nights I'm not at his. Someone who wants to hear about my rehearsal and is excited to come to my performance on Friday, flowers in hand. Someone who's just always available whether I want them there or not. And I don't mean, like, has no social life or life outside of me, I just mean someone who's able to come over if I need them near me. I don't know if North will be able to provide this for me for a very long time. I don't know if Drummer would be able to provide this for me, although I do believe he might try.

So, there you have it. Caught in my usual, same old, same old position. But, the rest of my life is pretty darn exciting! So, I'm not gonna let my singledom get me down!

Night!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weight Matters...


August 17, 2009.

Wow, so I'm terribly boring on the man front these days!

Haven't heard from North today, but I wanted to give it some breathing room. I feel like I've been texting him a lot lately and I definitely don't want him to ever feel overwhelmed. I'm still dying to kiss him though! Argh!

Drummer text me tonight, wanting to hang out. I'm kind of relieved that he lives in Thousand Oaks and not closer, because if he did live closer, I would more likely accept his invites to hang out and we'd probably be kissing and doing more than I feel we should be doing at his point in time. I feel great about not having been with a single guy in any way since North. It's an awesome feeling, even if he doesn't know it, I like knowing it.

Went on a hike with Lacey this morning, and we're gonna get up and be adventurous again tomorrow morn. Then, she wants to start the “Master Cleanse”, I think it's also called “The Lemonade Diet”. I want to do it with her, but I'm somewhat nervous because, excuse my French, I don't want to be caught in the middle of work and have to shit my brains out or be hanging out with a boy and have to run to the bathroom five times in a row...

Oh cleanses, why are Americans so obsessed? Do other countries use cleanses as much as we do? I wonder. Probably not, because most often American's do it to lose weight and people from other countries are always naturally thinner and don't have to worry about obesity as much. Man. To not have to ever worry about your weight, how wonderful! Think how much time we would all gain if weight was never an issue!

Sometimes I wish I didn't want to be an actress because really, I'm only concerned with how thin I am when I think about how I look on camera. Bah! Whatev's I'm determined to make it as an actress whether I'm thin or entirely huge! I'm in it for the talent and not the looks....Take that Hollywood!

Updates MaƱana!

Hasta Luego! (I'm learning Spanish...trying to put it to good use!)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Piercings.

August 16, 2009.

Why are piercings so intriguing?

North called me tonight (after I text him: “So, i'm just gonna tell you, i'd like to kiss you again soon.”) and informed me that he went and got his lip pierced this evening after he got off work.

Now, my first reaction, naturally, was to wonder what it's like to kiss him...hmmm. I think I'll like it. He's so different than guys that have been interested in me in the past. I never date guys that appear to be “bad boys” but are really sweet. I tend to date the ones that look like “Mr. Niceguy” and turn out to be assholes. I like this change.

I really don't want to wait till next Saturday to hang out with North again, but most likely that'll be what's gonna happen.

The girls at work are all telling me to still spend some time hanging out with Drummer. Keep my options open. I haven't seen him since almost two weeks ago now. I wonder how quickly he'll lose interest if we don't hang out soon. I'm just not entirely sure I want him to be interested yet.

I was telling Lacey tonight that it's just so hard for me to see him as his real age because he looks so freaking young. I truly feel as though I'd be robbing the cradle! I mean...if he still looks this young at 25, when will he start to age?? I don't want to be 30 and dating someone who looks like they could be my son! Alright...yeah I'm getting ahead of myself. Argh!

Anyway, once again, not much to update on the man front. North is awesome. I would like very much to kiss him. Especially with his lip ring. Rarrrrr!

Getting up bright and early to go hiking...man do I need the exercise! Wish me luck!

Saturday Nights...


August 15, 2009.

Manny just left this morning. We went out last night to Rocco's. I was in a foul mood due to issues I'm having at work right now. I may need to find a new job in the very near future. Argh!!!

But anywho, I tried to snap out of it at Rocco's so that I didn't ruin everyone's evening and ended up buying a round of shots that cost me $75...yeah, awesome. Then some random guy with braces (not that I'm judging) decided it was the end of the night and he better make his move now or never. He sits down at the table I'm sitting at with Manny and shakes his hand. I have my back to Braces...on purpose (guys, if a girl doesn't open up to you physically, read: she's not interested and you pretty much have no hope of getting her interested). Braces extends for a shake and introduction with me. I shake his hand quickly and keep my back turned.

Braces: What are your aspirations?

Me: I have none.

Braces: C'mon, everyone has aspirations. What are they?

Me: To die young and beautiful.

Braces: What? C'mon!

Me: Perhaps tonights the night.

Then he launched into so incoherent mumbo jumbo and I just got up and walked away. Yes, bitchy. But do you notice? He still didn't even get the hint when I was being rude, so I don't feel so bad. Why are guys so lame?

Anywho, I went to hang with North for a little bit tonight. He was quite cute. Called me to make plans and said, “Well, it's Saturday!” Referring to the fact that we have indeed spent the last three saturday nights together. I enjoy this fact very much so. Tonight was a little shorter though. His brother was coming in to spend the night before heading back to Chi-town, so I couldn't spend the night tonight, unfortunately. I would have really loved to, but gotta respect the fam!

We always take forever to kiss...the whole night is always a lead up to it. It's kind of fun, because it's a guessing game of when it's gonna happen. Well, we sat and watched brainless t.v. For two hours, then I got up to leave so that he could do what he needed to do with his bro and he grabbed me and pulls me in tight and kissed me. It was so nice. We just stood there kissing for a bit. I really like doing that.

And, I haven't kissed anyone else since we started hanging out. I'm rather proud of that fact! I've kept myself pure just for him! Man, I wish he was ready to dive head first into what could be an amazing relationship, but he's not. Sucks for me!

Next saturday, I'll be moving my stuff into Manhattan Beach apartemento!!! I'm so psyched, but also a little nervous because this is going to change quite a few things for me. I'm gonna try to get North to come down to MB next saturday...let's see if I can be persuasive. I hope I can!

And that's pretty much the news on the home front...when company's in town things are pretty quiet in boyland.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Patience is a virtue...


August 13, 2009.

Todd's on my mind right now. It's not that I'm missing him, I'm just kind of in awe that he came and went from my life in a very similar fashion to the first time he came and went from my life. I just can not believe that he has not called, text or emailed me at all. It just seems so weird. For a quick moment things between us were going so very well. Then in a blink of an eye it was just over.

I guess though everything happens for a reason. If Todd were still in the picture, I would not be speaking with North or anyone else for that matter.

Still conflicted about North. I'm just so tired of not being in a relationship.

Went to Manhattan Beach today with Manny, Nikki and her latest. Nikki and Marine were all over eachother all day. I just don't really get it. She moves on so quickly and gets so deeply involved with each and ever latest. I can't even bring myself to show much affection in public, just in case that guy isn't around the next weekend. I don't let them label me their girlfriend, just in case it doesn't last too long. But, I want a guy that's gonna be around each weekend and I want a guy that's gonna last a good long time. I'm so conflicted!!!

Why can't North just be ready??

Well, last night Manny and I got into a heated topic...my sis/his ex. We were painfully honest about how we felt about her recent marriage and how everything ended between them. I know that he feels “sorry” for her, but other than that I can never really tell what he wishes would have really happened. I wonder if he still loves her, but I could never ask.

I think he's looking for someone as well though, I think he's ready to find something permanent and I hope he succeeds. He's a great guy and he really deserves a great relationship.

Oy vay. Life can be cruel.

I guess “good things come to those who wait..”blah blah blahhh.

Ok, real quick, before I go and watch a movie, randomness, Pedicab text me the other day. He wants to see me because he's in LA. What??? It's almost been two months since that adventurous night in San Diego and I thought it was all well and forgotten. Apparently not.

Ha. Oh dear.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Simple Solution?


August 12, 2009.

Went to silverlake with Manny and the girls. It was like an acting class reunion. The bartender was from my class, the bouncer was from the class and one of the girls sitting at the bar was from my class. I now realize I have many persona's and I rarely let them mingle. So, here was my Manny persona, my drunk persona, my class persona all clashing heavily against one another.

I only had three drinks tonight, but I feel pretty darn tootin' wasted. I drunk text North. I want to be with him tonight. I just want to feel his lips against mine and lay next to him fingering his tattoo. Ugh. I'm too impatient!

We're all going out again on Thursday and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of work. Then Nikki wants to go line dancing at Borderline on Saturday night and all I can think is, “I wish North was going to be there!” But he's not because of his bro in Santa Barbara.

I might call Drummer, but a part of me feels guilty doing that for two reasons, 1) because I really like North and don't want to jeopardize anything between us and 2) I don't want to lead Drummer on thinking that there could be more between us, because frankly right now, I'm not open to it.

Oh man. Why can't I just have one clear choice and it be good and not complicated and I won't have to wait for it or fend off other options, “in case” it works out. I need a simple solution!!!!

Where's my simple solution?!?!?!?!

I'm tired of going to bed alone. That is all.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Mini post


August 11, 2009.

Going out with the girls and Manny tonight...this should be interesting. I'm super exhausted, but I know Manny wants to have some fun, so I gotta get myself some energy and get ready for what the night has in store!

Wish North could hang out...dang his work schedule. We text briefly this evening, but not too much. I tried to go the whole day without texting, but alas...I just like hearing from him.

Updates soon! I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell!

The way things were...


August 10, 2009.

I'm pretty happy, but a little doubtful.

I started cleaning and packing up my apartment today for two reasons. 1) To get a head start on what may become a very stressful month and 2) My sister's ex, Manny, who's like a brother to me is coming to visit tomorrow for a few days.

I never knew how much his opinion mattered to me until today. I was scrubbing the house because I want him to be proud of where I live and proud of the life I've gotten for myself.

It's interesting, because Manny and my sis were highschool sweethearts and dated for 7 yrs. My sister decided at the end of the 7yrs that she needed a ring on her finger or she needed to move on. Well, they were already living together and Manny is a product of divorce and isn't too fond of the idea of marriage. So, when Jennifer (my sis) confronted him with this option, he told her he was “happy with the way things are” and that he doesn't want to get married.

What a tough place to be in. They had to break up. Not because they didn't love one another, but because they wanted different things. So, I've remained friends with Manny because, well, frankly, he's been around since I was 16 (almost ten years!!!), he taught me how to drive stick, he knew my father (who passed away years ago) and he's just a great person. I honestly can't imagine my life without him.

My sister knows we still talk and hang out, and it doesn't thrill her, but she's openly admitted to the reason being that she's jealous that she doesn't still get to hang out with him. Understandably. I've told her that if she ever wants me to stop seeing him, I would, in a heartbeat. She's my sister and of course more important to me. But, yeah, I'd probably be somewhat bitter and a bit upset. She knows she can't do that to me.

He really is the one stable male relationship I've had since before my father passed away. So, I kind of really need him in my life.

Needless to say, I'm psyched that he's coming tomorrow and staying for a few days. It's gonna be a blast!


On to North News...he's adorable. He text me all day yesterday and a bit today. Everytime I think about him I smile. When he walked me to my car on sunday morning he held my chin in his hands and kissed me, oh so gently, goodbye. I loved it.

However, here's my dilemma. He's definitely damaged from his very recent past relationship (why does this keep happening to me, ahem, Seattle). I truly believe he likes spending time with me and I truly believe we could have something great. But, I'm not willing to get into much of anything with him until he's over his ex...which will take quite awhile, seeing as it was 10yrs long and only been 5 months apart. Eek. I'm ready to find a relationship and he's def. not ready to be in one, at no fault of his own. I do want to continue to hang with him, but I'm worried that I'll be giving up something I want and falling for someone I can't be with.

What do I do? I guess I just have to see how it goes. Take it slow. And if something else comes along that says, “I'm ready and willing...” I have to be open to that. I can't wait around for someone anymore!
Ugh. I wish North had broken up with this girl years ago and that he was just now ready to seriously date. Then it would be even more perfect than it already seems to be.

Alright, 6 hours before I get up to hike! Laterz!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I'm just a little person...


August 9, 2009.

I have a pattern of meeting guys that I really really like, but who aren't ready for relationships. And, I supposed I'm probably the best girl they could meet at those moments because, unlike others, I won't run screaming for the hills, nor will I flip out on them and make them feel bad.

I'll tell them till the cows come home that it's fine and we can take it slow and not to rush into something they're not sure about. Because, I feel as though if I act accordingly, I'll still be getting pretty much what I want, they'll still be getting pretty much what they want and we won't have any of that drama bullsh*t that screws up relationships.

I hung out with North last night. It was awesome. We had beer and whiskey. We talked about how f*cked up dating in L.A. is and shared stories. I told him I keep a blog about my dating life, but I didn't give him any clues as how to find it. I don't think he's a sleuth like Seattle was, so I'm pretty sure my secrets are safe for now.

We were gonna watch a movie, but literally just spent the entire night (from 8:45 on) just talking. Although we've been friends for so long, we haven't kept in touch that well, so pretty much the last four years of each other's lives had been a mystery and all we knew was hearsay from mutual friends.

Then, the coolest thing about being on “date” with an old friend is that you can reminisce. This doesn't happen with strangers. We started recalling moments of our past that we had shared and not until this very moment in time did we realize we had shared them. Funny how that works.

Man, it was a really great night. Again, one of my favorite L.A. evenings spent with a guy. Granted my best nights in L.A. have been with my girls, so that's why I have to define that it was great night with a guy.

I told North straight up that I don't ever want him to think he needs to rush into things with me. I want us to be friends no matter what and even if we decide that the kissing needs to not happen between us anymore, we will still hang out. I know he's been through a lot and I, like I said in a previous entry, just want to be that “fun” part of his life. He was uber relieved to hear this. I knew he would be.

My only request was that he always be honest about how he's feeling. I just hate wondering and worrying when I can't tell what's going on in his head.

Ok, so my most favorite moment of the night was when we was sitting at his computer and I had gone over to stand next to him so he could show me a music video, after it was over this song came on that was unbelievably perfect for the evening. Here's the youtube video:



It was just so ironic because it was exactly what we'd been saying earlier in the evening, “Let's have some fun...you're the one I like the best.” Man how perfect.

I spent the night and this time, I did sleep in my undies, but again, no sex. Yay! I have no doubt in my mind that if we do eventually sleep together, it will be phenomenal, but I'm in no rush. I like what we got goin' on and I hope we're able to do it for awhile.

He's so funny, I told him how down in Manhattan Beach on labor day weekend there's gonna be a big crazy wild block party and he should come down to hang and he said, “Are you still gonna wanna hang with me in September?”

To which I responded, “Yeah, I'm still gonna wanna be friends with you in September!”

I hope our fun lasts for awhile. He needs it. I need it. It could be something very good.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Calm after the Storm


August 8, 2009.

Well, as you all know, I can be, um...yes, a bit melodramatic sometimes. Ok, yes, most of the time. But how boring would a non-melodramatic blog be? Hmmm??

Well, I have a ginormous headache. And I do believe it's from the stress caused from the information overload the other day. I was feeling oh so shitty that I actually manifested pain in my own body. Humans are incredible creatures. Well, I'm slowly but surely getting over the shock of the other day's news, but I still have a headache.

Good news is...I've heard from North and we're supposed to hang out tonight! I went all day thursday and pretty much all day friday without him texting/calling and vice versa. Then on friday night, I just felt so stupid and kept thinking, “Well, what if he hasn't text or called because he thinks I'm over it...” So, I text him.

Me: “Hey...”

North: “Hey, dude.”

Ohmygod!! “Hey dude”???? He's soooo over it. I'm not texting him back. He hates me. Our friendship is over. He must think...*riiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg*.

He called even before I knew how to respond to that. I'm an idiot. I do overreact.

We chatted briefly. He said I sounded “underwhelmed” or “perhaps that's just you.” I explained that I still just feel really weird about the whole situation and I'm just not sure how to go about it. Also, I told him it had been a somewhat rough week...possibly why I sound “underwhelmed”.

Then he said, “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

And like a complete dork I responded, “Yeah! Well, if you still want.”

So, he just called me a little bit ago and told me he gets done at 8pm and feels like a chill evening...so dinner and a movie at his place. Sounds good. Check. See you then.

I have to, have to, have to, HAVE TO work on my defensiveness. I don't let myself get excited when I answer his phone calls because if I don't care now then I won't care later when it all falls apart. This is no good way to live. I went for a long walk with Lacey the other day and we talked about how it's just so much easier when you don't care. And it really is. It's probably less fulfilling, but it hurts less also.

Humph. Well....in other news, just so you know there's more going on in my life than boys, we signed our lease yesterday down in Manhattan Beach!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so uber psyched! Totally new chapter in my life.

I was telling Nikki and Lacey (my soon to be roomies) how I feel like this apartment is the first one I've ever chosen to live in because I wanted to and not because it was a necessity. I'm in a part of L.A. that I think I will truly fall in love with and probably won't want to leave for a very long time. I'm living with people who I truly adore and feel as if they've been my family my whole life, even though I've know them less than two years. It just feels so right. Everything will work out. The sun will shine and the waves will roll in Manhattan Beach. And I'll be out there attempting to soak it up and surf! Yay!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

F*ck my life.

August 6, 2009.

Fuck my life. Fuck it.

I guess karma really is a bitch because I just can't seem to catch a break.

My phone is silent. No word from Todd, no word from North.

Heard from Tony and fucked up my entire day. Just when I was getting over what happened between us six months ago, he had to go and tell me the whole truth and fuck me up as if it happened yesterday. God, I don't even know if I can bring myself to write about it. I want to rip him out of my life and my memory and pretend he never had his dirty as balls in my life.

I'm nauseous and wish I could just throw up a whole years worth of hatred, sadness, anger, contempt, blah blah blah. I just want to purge myself of that past so badly!

And now I just don't know if I can ever trust anyone, guys and girls alike. I'm really fucked right now.

I trusted that Todd had changed and genuinely wanted to make things happen between us and now he's MIA just as if it were still the first few months after we met.

I trusted that North genuinely was excited about what was happening between us and now he hasn't text/called for a whole day, which is odd for him. I don't think he has any intention of contacting me again.

I trusted that Tony and fucking Lindsay were telling the truth about what actually happened that night in february. But now I'm just an ass for falling for their bullshit. Turns out, Lindsay had suggested the whole threesome bit and Tony went with it and after I left and was walking back to my house in the sketchiest part of town with no more battery on my phone, they fucked. Then to put a cherry on it, I paid for Lindsay's cab back to my place and she made me feel guilty for leaving her alone there.

Have I said it enough yet? FUCKING ASSHOLES.

Yeah so fuck my life. Fuck it.