Thursday, April 30, 2009

Waiting By The Phone

April 30, 2009.

I’m a pathetic child. I was just out at Maeve’s with Nikki, her mom, Jess, Roger and his boy and Lacey. We were all chattin’ away, having a grand old time. I was drinking water (dding and still on my two week alcohol cleanse, don’t know if I mentioned that prior). Then I happened to scope out the room, see if any new people had entered and I saw a much too familiar face. Two familiar faces to be exact. I freaked.

“Come to the bathroom, come to bathroom, come to the bathroom!” I turned and pushed Nikki and Jess into the ladies room with me in a panic.

“What the hell?” They were more confused than I was.

It was Liam. Yup. Good old, alcoholic, unreliable Liam. Haven’t seen him since that night in February. Haven’t text him, haven’t talked to him. And vice versa. No communication attempts from him either. He was there with his good ol’ roomie and I know they must’ve seen me. They were sitting directly across the bar from all of us.

Fuck. That’s all I could think. And for some pathetic reason, when I went to the bathroom with the girls, all I could think to do was fix my hair and attempt to look somewhat desirable. I wanted it to hurt when he looked at me. Douchehole. They clearly were not about to say hi, so I did my best to ignore them for the remaining 20 min’s I was there.

I’m still so confused about the entire situation that I don’t even know what to feel about this sighting tonight. It was a weird feeling of, “I know I should be angry/excited/annoyed, but am feeling strangely indifferent.” I didn’t really care to be quite honest. It was weird and I felt like I was supposed to make a big deal out it, and thus my body reacted all strange and my legs sprinted me to the bathroom. But really…in my mind, I couldn’t care less.

Huh. Well. That being said, today was rather chill. Yoga in the morning with Lacey and the beach all day with Lee, Miguel and lil’ bro. It was quite the California day. Loved it. Just wish Seattle could’ve been here.

Called him earlier to find out how his last “class” went today. He had to do an oral debate as his final. I felt like such a girlfriend calling him up and saying, “How’d it go? Did you do great?” and feeling his smile from the other end of the phone, “Yeah, it went really well.”

“Yay! I’m so happy for you!” That was basically the extent of it. He was off to take a victory ride on his bike and I was in the car on my way to the beach. What separate lives we lead. I wish I could’ve taken that ride with him and he could’ve laid out on the beach with me all day. That would’ve been super nice.

He’s out at a bar “drinking with some friends” right now and I can’t help but get a little bit jealous and think, “girl-friends, or boy- friends?” Oh, I certainly am pathetic. I just hate that I can’t be there right now. Miss him like crazy. He should be getting my card tomorrow, which makes it official…he’s my boy.

Alright, I’m gonna get ready for sleep and wait for my phone to ring…

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Jackpot...sort of.

April 29, 2009.

Just got back from an amazing hike and I’m feeling great (and exhausted)! My goal is to be in the shape that I wanna be in when Seattle arrives, late May. That would be perfect. Then I can wear sexy underwear for him with confidence and show him why I’m worth the wait!

Last night we chatted for a bit. One of our shortest convo’s in history, I do believe. But, he’s back at reading my blog, which I totally don’t mind, since our relationship is smothered with honesty, so most of what I say here he already knows. However, I wanted him to call and chat with me before reading yesterday’s blog, because I didn’t want him to get upset by anything I said without being able to talk about it and explain.

Let me just say. He’s incredible. He’s wonderful. He says all the right things. He’s so mature about everything. He’s so realistic. And he’s all mine. That’s the best part I think…

I always expect him to say something to me that’s going to turn me off and I’ll just be like, “Why are we attempting this ridiculous LDR again?” But each time a challenge comes our way, my white knight takes out his sword and slices off the head of that evil Dragon. He’s amazing.

I can’t help but talk about him to my girlfriends…probably too much. I told Nikki how we played “strip state capitols” when I was visiting him and she thinks it’s adorable. Frankly, so do I. I like that he’s got the wonderful combination of smarts and sexiness. Man…why’s my jackpot got to live so far away?

We discussed how I feel like he’s been more frustrated than usual with our situation. I reiterated the fact that I never want him to feel trapped by it or feel like he can’t talk to me and let me know if it is in fact getting too hard to deal. I’ll understand. I get it. I miss him like crazy. But he just reassured me that “There’s no other situation, besides living in the same city, that [he’d] prefer.” Way to go and say the perfect thing again! Ugh. Not fair at all!

I’m sending him a card with some pic’s in the mail today. Wish I could put a stamp on myself and arrive at his doorstep.

More updates to come!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

This is hard!!!

April 28, 2009.

Wowza. Nothin’ much doin’ today, I had a doc appt and then worked out…but last night! Oh, boy! I went to kickboxing with the ladies and then came home to change and go out with Nikki. Seattle called while I was getting ready so I let him watch me do my makeup on Skype…how fascinating.

After I was all dolled up and ready to go, I text Nikki and she told me she decided to be responsible and stay in to do some homework. Blah. So, there I was all dolled up and no place to go. Well, it worked out, I chatted away on Skype with Seattle.

Now, here’s my dilemma. I don’t know if Skype is helping or harming our LDR (Long-distance relationship). It’s such a tease. Before, when you’re just on the phone, you’re kind of removed from the idea that you can’t touch or kiss or be near one another. But with Skype, it’s just like you’re in the same room, but are not allowed to reach out and touch. It’s the whole museum affect. You can look but can’t touch, but just that rule makes it so much harder to be good!

We talked forever, again, of course. And we started getting a wee bit adventurous. We played strip trivia over Skype. Proud to say I won! (Phew). And I wasn’t gonna hold Seattle to it, I know it’s a bit awkward and perhaps not a good idea to get nakey over the internet, but after about five minutes of hemming and hawing, he gave in and gave me a little show. Or, er, big show, I should say!

It was nice.

I’ve noticed though that in our conversations over Skype he tells of his frustration more than when we were just talking on the phone. And every time he says “this is hard” or “this is frustrating”, I expect it to be followed up with a “and not worth it”. Is it worth it? I guess only time will tell.

But I agree it’s very frustrating. My weeks are getting busy every passing moment and even taking a weekend out of town a month seems to throw off a lot of things. It is hard to leave your life behind even for three days.

This would be so much easier if we lived in the same town. Or at least within driving distance of one another. Humph. 23 days until I see him again. That’s too much.

Oh yeah. Todd called last night. He’s back in town. I didn’t answer. Ugh.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"Skype Saved Our Marriage"

April 27, 2009.

Unfortunately, I have not updated you since Friday because I was a little preoccupied with birthday madness and hangover aftermath.

My day on Saturday was pretty awesome. I turned 25 on the 25th! Hollahh!! I got up in the morning and went to a $1 sale at Buffalo Exchange; the best second hand store on Ventura. Came home with some kick ass shirts and then ran some errands until dinner plans at 6:30pm.

Lee and I had talked the night before and worked everything out. So we’re all good, and I’m glad. I’d hate to not have her in my life.

Went to sushi with Miguel, Lee, Lil’ bro and some peeps from my improv troupe. They bought me dinner and a rose. I felt very loved. After dinner, Lee, Miguel and lil bro and I all returned back to my apt to prep for my slumber party.

I decided in honor of being 25 I wanted to celebrate the relationships that are most sacred to me. My girlfriends. No boys allowed (with the exception of Miguel and Lil’ bro, naturally.) Lil bro and Miguel decided they wanted to get the party started by dressing up and speaking in “Borat” like accents and also dressing up the pad with flashing lights and techno music. It was hilarious to say the least. They greeted all my guests at the door with a “guest list”. It was great fun.

Miguel and Lee took off around midnight and then ultimate Truth or Dare began. How silly to be 25 and prank texting Todd and running around my complex pool with my buttcheeks hanging out. I loved it.

Lil bro was one of the girls the entire night. It was quite fun. I’m glad he was there, even though he has a penis. My girls are the greatest. It was Jess, Lacey and Nikki. Guys are great fun to have around in life, but nothing beats the relationship you have with your girlfriends. It’s comforting and wonderful to know that in the short year and a half that I’ve been in LA I’ve managed to find some pretty incredible ladies to surround myself with.

I called Seattle that night/Sunday morning when everyone was heading to bed. I apparently fell asleep on the phone with him. Ha! Oh drunky! He’s a good sport and just laughed about it with me on Sunday.

I forgot to mention that Nikki bought me a vibrator for my birthday. First one I’ve ever owned! I’m stoked!

So yesterday, I hung out with Jess for most of it, went to improv and had a really great practice and then came home and hooked up internet with Lil bro. That’s right, I’m sitting in my bedroom on wireless that I actually pay for (rather than stealing from the neighbor’s…sorry guys!)! Then I hooked up Skype on Seattle’s request.

I never knew about it before yesterday. But now I’m addicted and think it just might have extended the life of long distance relationship. I can’t even describe how amazing it was to see Seattle’s face while talking to him. He got his haircut and it looks very sexy.

We were on it for about 2 ½ to 3 hours. I know. We’re crazy. But I got to watch him walk around his apartment in his boxers…hot. We danced a little together to the music on my myspace. We watched his brother’s acting reel together. It was like we were hanging out. It was amazing! The only downfall was that I couldn’t reach out and stroke his hair or kiss his cute lips or run my fingers down his bare arm and around his chest. It was quite the tease…

I joked about how one of my avid blog readers said that Seattle and I aren’t far from phone sex. But now, I think it’s more appropriate to say we’re close to ‘Skype’ sex. Ha…kidding…maybe.

Well, I need to nap, since I was up till way too early this morning. But I’ll have more Skype tales soon!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Forgive Yourself

April 24, 2009.

Well, lots to say today. First of all. This was crazy. So, I was on the phone last night/early this morning (12:45 am) talking with Seattle. I had brought up the incident with Pete because it’s been on my mind a lot lately and it makes me really upset because I feel as though I betrayed his trust even before we began. It makes me feel shitty. I can’t stop apologizing.

Seattle’s wonderful and reassures me that it’s ok, it’s in the past and it was before we had “defined” our relationship. He just says it hurts that I didn’t tell him the whole truth about that night and he had to find out about it in a blog. I get it. It sucks. Well, we ended the conversation on a high note, but I couldn’t help but still be a little upset. I’m just mad at myself. Well, here’s the irony. Not more than two minutes after hanging up the phone Pete calls. I press the silencer and ignore it.

I have no need to hear what he has to say and if it’s important, he’ll leave a message. He leaves a message. I listen and I hear this sincerely sweet message saying, “Hey Colleen, it’s Pete, sorry, I think I missed your birthday by an hour. Um, if I didn’t then please excuse this message, but I think I did. I mean, uh, I’m in Syracuse right now, I had to fly home for something. Um, but I just woke up, I was asleep and I woke up and it’s four in the morning, I’m like ‘fuck, I think I missed Colleen’s birthday’ so I just figured I’d give you a call and maybe catch you out partying or something. But, you didn’t answer, so anyways I hope you had a good birthday if it was your birthday and I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

I wish I could put a tone of voice in this blog so you all could hear how endearing the message was. He sounds so vulnerable in it. Kind of broke my heart a little. Well, I didn’t call him back. I text him this morning and told him I got his message and he didn’t miss my birthday. It’s not till tomorrow. I know he flew home for a funeral, so I feel kind of guilty that I haven’t answered his phone calls. I worry that he needs a friend and I haven’t been much of one since that night. Ugh.

Anywho, today I tried to be uber productive and semi-succeeded. I had work this evening and towards the end of the night one of the regulars was seated at the bar and randomly asked, “Will you box with me?”

“Um, what kind of boxing?” I asked

“Like, we get into a ring, with gloves and everything, but topless.”

I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. We continued to have a rather ridiculous conversation about how much we would charge for people to come and watch and he said $35/ticket would be sufficient. I disagree! My breasts are more valuable than that. He referred to them as “cute”. Cute? He said, “That boy of yours in Seattle better be anxious to get back to LA for those!!” Oh man. Now, this guy is quite the character, so he wrote out how he feels about my breasts or “tittays” as he calls them, signed the piece of paper and had Nikki be his witness. Here’s what the document reads:

‘On this 24th day of April during the year of our assumed lord b*tches, 2009, A** M** aka Regular, swears on the value of his cock and balls that Irene Allison’s tittay’s belong in a museum right next to a picture of my salivating tongue.’

Signed: Regular
Witness: Nikki

Such is my life…thank goodness for good men like Seattle. That way I know I don’t have to settle for someone like Regular. Oy. He’s fun but absolutely crazy.

Chatted with Seattle on my way home from work. We always end up having such ridiculously long conversations. I love it. He’s the best. I once again brought up Pete. Because I told him how he had called. I can’t help it; it still is just really bothering me. But I think Seattle hit the nail on the head. It’s bothering me because I haven’t resolved it completely with Pete. We hooked up. I went home the next day and we’ve hung out since, but I’m always a little bitchy because that’s how I feel I need to be in order to set boundaries. I think I just need to talk it out with Pete. Assure him that it won’t be happening again, but I still really want our friendship. Then we can go back to normal.

Things I really like about Seattle:

 He’s mature enough to not say, “You can’t ever talk to Pete again, I really don’t want you guys being friends.”
 He gives me advice on what to say to Pete, tactfully and nicely
 He calls be “Beau Sourire”
 He called me twice tonight because, “texting wasn’t good enough”
 He likes to read really smart things
 He makes me want to be smarter/he challenges me
 He understands that I’m overly emotional due to pms and it doesn’t freak him out one bit

Wow. I’m a pretty lucky girl.

K, off to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow! Lots to do!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Paranoia sets in...

April 23, 2009.

So, I’m being a stupid girl right now. I had a frustrating day. Spent most of it in tears (could also be PMS…damn Aunt Flo), and all I want is to hear Seattle’s voice on the other end of the phone.

I called him earlier today whilst in tears and he managed to make me smile and laugh a bit. I text him again just about an hour ago because I’m still frustrated about the same issue and he text me back: “It’s ok, I understand…and if you want to talk about it I am out of class.”

Immediately, I decided in my paranoid, obnoxious mind that he didn’t want me to call. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d pick up the phone and call me. I’m used to guys that I date freaking out the second I show any other emotion rather than happy, positive, optimistic Irene. So, this is what I assumed. He must be freaking out and not know what to do with this foreign emotion I’m showing.

And, I’m sure this is not true at all, but here I sit an hour after he text me, freaking out that he hasn’t called. Granted, I didn’t respond to his last text. So in reality he probably just thinks I’m busy or dealing with something and unavailable at the moment.

But in my crazed out head right now, it means he’s over it and this relationship is doomed.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Nikki invited me out for drinks after work tonight and I couldn’t bring myself to go. I was just on the verge of tears every five seconds. I also don’t want her man to get the impression that I’m some depressed friend she has, because literally 3 out of the last 5 times we’ve all hung out, I’ve been in tears (BM#1’s phone call, visit to Seattle, and now this, girlfriend drama.)

2009 was going so well…what am I doing that’s making it turn for the worse all of a sudden?

I feel like I’m being punished for being honest about my feelings. Sorry for the vagueness of the content of my frustration. I just don’t want to fix the issue and then have it arise again, because I wrote about it. Oh fuck it, Lee was a b*tch to me today. Granted, I could have been nicer in recent interactions with her, but she’s over reacting about something that has absolutely nothing to do with her. Now, I’m in the position of having to apologize for doing nothing wrong. What the fuck? Ok, that’s all I’m gonna say.

This blog is meant to be about my boy drama and adventures…not for catfights.


In boy news: While working tonight, I wore a little green dress, that probably revealed a little more than I should've while hosting, but I got dressed in a hurry and through blurry tear filled eyes. Anywho, it caused one old Armenian man to propose to me when he walked in the door. He said, "Will you marry me?" And I said, "Are you rich?" Which achieved the laugh I was going for.

Then a guy who was sitting at the bar awhile stopped me and asked why I wasn't wearing black (like the others) and I told him, "I'm the hostess, I wear whatever I want". To which he reached out and pinched my arm in a sort of "wearing green when it's not st. pat's day" flirtatious move. Then when he got up to leave he introduced himself to me as Mr. X and when I told him my name, he was shaking my hand and leaned in real close and just went, "Mmmmm..."

Yeah...these are my options: Old Armenians and mmmmMr. X.

*moved my ring back over to the left.

Status Update

April 23, 2009.

I just changed my status on myspace from “Single” to “In a Relationship”. Still feels a little unreal. But, for some stupid reason, in this technologically run world, changing it on myspace makes it a bit more real. People will know now. I can’t help but wonder how will “the ex” react? Will he be sad? Hurt? Can’t help but hope so. I know, you’d think I’d be over it after almost two years, but a part of me is still angry.

But, let’s not focus on that. Seattle has read all of my blogs to date and I went through them, doing a bit of editing and clean up and I couldn’t help but feel bad. Some of the things I wrote sound so careless and cruel. He told me again on the phone tonight that he feels “jealous”, which is so weird for him, because he’s not a jealous person. I asked if he thought it might be due to the fact that we’re so far apart and things are a bit out of his hands.

I told him I never want to do anything that makes him jealous and I’m completely sincere when I say that. I really, really care about him and I refuse to do stupid things that may jeopardize “us”. Granted I did stupid things in the days leading up to my visit to Seattle. And I hate to make excuses, but I was still confused and uncertain. I was worried to put all my eggs in one basket.

But now I feel confident and happy and I like thinking, “I’m Seattle’s girl”. And I’m ok going to sleep in my bed alone and I’m ok without drunken makeout sessions and I’m ok without going on dates because I know I have a wonderful guy that’s daydreaming of me. Just knowing that we’ve committed to eachother makes such a difference.

Don’t think we’ll be seeing one another again until late May. So I have about another month of celibacy ahead of me…then a weekend of incredible sex? I hope so.

Also, Seattle challenged me tonight. He called me out on the fact that I’m not very good at expressing what I need sexually. I’m great expressing myself physically, but I can’t verbalize it very well. I’ve never thought about this, because no one’s ever brought it to my attention. He made me describe to him; or rather he described and asked if he was correct, the way I can get myself to orgasm while having sex. I was blushing over the phone when he described to a T the actions that I would need to take. How does he know? It’s so weird. I like that he’s so professional, yet so comfortable talking about such intimate material.

On another note, he apparently was talking with his brother James after my visit and told him about being sick all day Sunday. James jokingly said, “You know, fever, chills, flu-like symptoms…first signs of HIV.”

Not funny.

Not funny at all, James. Seattle laughed at this, but it’s hard for me to make a joke of such a thing. I know have that thought planted in my brain and want to go to the doctor and get every test possible just to make sure there are no ugly surprises around the corner. Stupid James…not funny.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

No longer single

April 22, 2009.

Went to ‘Porn Star’ karaoke last night. Received a text while there from Seattle: “Couldn’t help myself, I caught up on your blog; I was just missing you too much. I don’t really know why, but I am crying right now. I just wish I could be holding you in my arms.”

I called him as soon as I got the text and went outside to talk to him. He basically told me that he feels jealous and hates that because he’s not a jealous guy. He realized he wants to be my boyfriend, he just feels guilty asking that of me. I’m young and far away, it wouldn’t be fair. I told him there’s nothing I want more right now than to be his girlfriend. I told him I never want to do anything to make him jealous. All I want is him. So, “We’ll make it work.”

We were in the middle of both agreeing to be in a relationship when my phone battery died. Ugh. Apparently right after my phone died he text me: “Well that was bad timing on the part of your battery. I’m sure we can catch up tomorrow. Goodnight my amazing girlfriend.”

We stayed at karaoke until closing and all I wanted to do was get home, plug in my phone and call Seattle. So at 2:15am that’s what I did. I hesitated before I dialed because I knew he was most likely asleep, but then I thought, “I’m just gonna call damn it! I’m his girlfriend, I’m allowed to call any hour of the night!”

He answered and we finished off our conversation. I told him I just need him to always be honest about how he’s feeling. We’re gonna make this work, but we also have to be totally understanding of the fact that we are super far and the chance of meeting other people is very real. Not that it’s gonna happen, but if it does we just have to be understanding. He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with that I believe we’d still be ok if something did come up. By that, I mean, I think if I met someone else, he’d be totally sincerely ok with it. Sad, yes, but accepting. Makes me like him all the more.

So as of right now, I’m no longer a single girl. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. A long-distance, painful, longing filled, crazy, romantic, complicated, wonderfully exciting relationship. I really want to make it work.

It does feel a little different now. I’m not sure why, but “we” feel different now. Maybe because a little bit of the confusion has disappeared. Maybe because we’re a little less nervous about some issues, but more so about others? Who knows? I just know that I’m happy and I have to find a way to see this boy again before more than a month goes by. The wait might kill me…

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A little Lost

April 21, 2009.

Woke up today and found myself sad that I wasn’t waking up in Washington, lying next to Seattle. I found myself wandering around my room last night not sure what to do with myself. Lost.

Woke up around noon, needed to get out of the house. It’s so strange that I was only gone for the weekend and yet now my normal life feels foreign to me.

Got a text from Seattle: “Hope your flight went well and you made it home from the airport ok. I skipped my class this morning but am going to try to go to my evening classes. Feeling a little better, but missing you.”

This is a first. We never say, “I miss you”. I think it’s because before we felt we had spent such little time together that it was impossible to “miss” someone you don’t really know. But, I miss him too.

I’m going to need to snap out of this soon though. I’m sure that once I go back to work and start auditioning, etc, etc, I’ll feel fine and happy again. It was interesting how much I liked being in Seattle. I really enjoyed the anonymity that came along with it. Sometimes I reconsider my decision to be an actress for the simple fact that life seems to be more peaceful for those with real jobs and simple habits. I liked that feeling of peace.

I watched “Marley & Me” on the plane last night and it made me want to fall in love with someone so deeply that I want nothing more than to have a family and be with them. It was such a terrific love story. I want to have a terrific love story.

BM#1 text me this morning as well, “What are you doing tomorrow?” I told him I wasn’t sure and may be working. He didn’t like that answer. Apparently they’re playing in LA at the Knitting Factory and he wants to hang out. I told him he has really bad timing because “I’m sort of seeing someone and I’m not sure where it’s going and I also don’t know what good can come of seeing [him]. What’s the point?” Sounded a little harsh, but that’s how I’m feeling. And apparently he didn’t get the last bit of the message, so I guess maybe it didn’t sound as harsh to him. Which, I think maybe the universe was intervening to not hurt his feelings too much.

Oh boys. What ever shall I do with you? Not much on the horizon for this evening, except for a little alone time which I will most likely spend moping. I’m such a baby!

Bittersweet Symphony

April 20, 2009.

Sitting in Seattle airport right now trying not to cry. Said goodbye to Seattle about an hour ago now. I cried. I felt silly. I couldn’t help it. The tears just started coming out about an hour before I left and I couldn’t stop ‘em. I had such a lovely weekend and felt for a moment what it was like to have a great boyfriend to just hang out with.

Then reality hit me and before I knew it I was in a cab heading for the airport. Seattle would’ve driven me, but this morning he woke up with flu like symptoms and felt terrible all day long. He kept apologizing because we literally spent the whole day in bed. But there was nowhere I’d rather have been.

I actually enjoyed being there while he was sick, because it’s not like I’ll be able to do that very often and it made me feel like I was able to be a girlfriend, not just a guest.

Argh! I’m so frustrated right now. I’m mad at myself for being so sad right now. And I still don’t exactly know where it is that we stand. He looked over at me today and said, “Well, you’re definitely dateable”, in his dry sense of humor tone. So, I couldn’t really tell if he meant I was dateable and he wanted to date me or if I’m definitely dateable and should find someone else to be with.

I kept joking that all I want for my birthday next Saturday is him to be here. But, I really wasn’t joking and I was hoping that if I plant it into his brain enough times maybe, just maybe he’d show up at my door. I know it’s not really possible, but I can dream right?

I really do like my life in LA, but it sure would be great if I got to share it daily with an incredible guy.

So, I guess I’m not really “Abstaining Irene” anymore, but I guess I’m “abstaining from everyone but Seattle, Irene”. Not quite the same ring to it, but I like it.

Ugh, bittersweet…bittersweet.

My Quest is Over!

April 19, 2009.

So it’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting in Seattle’s apartment watching “Meet the Press” while he’s making us waffles…I could get used to this. Unfortunately, I won’t get a chance to.

He just asked if I want a glass of juice and I glanced over at him and all I can think is, “God he’s cute!” I don’t want to stop staring at him. Not fair.

I’ve avoided saying this whole time “Leaving Monday is going to be so hard.” I’m trying to remain in the here and now and just enjoy the time we have together.

Got here Friday night and swore my heart was going to beat straight out of my chest while waiting to get off the plane. He greeted me outside the terminal in his work clothes. He looked sexy. We hugged and chattered all the way to baggage claim. Got in his car and started making out. Mmm…We drove back to his apartment, stopping for noodles on the way, brought the food back to his place and ate at the table. Then we took a short walk down to Rite-Aid (I had forgotten my contact solution) only to discover it had closed at 7pm. It was 10:30. It was great though, he showed me his campus where he goes to law school and pointed out the building where he works and showed me a bit of the gay bars on Capital Hill near his place.

We got back and attempted to watch an episode of ‘Dexter’ but it was so much more fun to watch one another, make out and yes, attempt to have sex. So, my streak is over. Friday was a little frustrating. I think it was a mix of nerves and emotions but for some reason Seattle couldn’t do it. He tried, but just couldn’t. He reassured me it wasn’t me, he is madly attracted to me.

Well, that didn’t stop us from trying again in the morning. Again, we ran into a bit of trouble. I was now on a mission…I needed to have sex with Seattle and I needed it to be amazing. He got up to shower and I was checking my email when I heard, “Irene?” “Yeah?” I responded. “Do you wanna shower with me??”

It was so cute the way he asked he sounded like he just stepped out of middle school and was awkwardly asking his crush out. Adorable. I couldn’t resist. I joined him.

We proceeded to have a most perfect day, exploring Seattle. He took me to an amazing brunch that overlooked the water and had a great view of the city, then we went for a Ferry ride to Bainbridge where we walked a bit around the harbor and found a great spot to sit and have a beer overlooking the boats. On the ferry ride back to Seattle we were surrounded by high school Prom-ers chattering away. We sat and made comments the whole way back. It was super fun.

Back at his place he made us dinner and we sat and talked politics. Then we cuddled, started watching ‘Dexter’ again and I moved in for the kill… Success! It was awesome! We hopped in the shower after…man it’s hard for me to keep my hands off of him. And vice versa.

We watched another episode of ‘Dexter’ followed by another round of amazing sex.

So I guess that’s it! My jig is up! Three and ½ months abstinent and here I am with a most amazing guy having great sex and no regrets. This does not mean I’m headed back to LA and back to bad habits. Not at all. I made it a goal for myself to not have pointless, meaningless sex. And I haven’t.

Seattle is great. I feel so strongly connected with him and it’s weird because he’s so extremely different than all the other guys I’ve ever been with. I think that’s why I like him so much.

We’re going out to dinner with some of his friends tonight and I’m super stoked to meet and impress them. I can’t wait! I may allow myself to get a little tipsy so that I’m more comfortable/more fun over dinner.

Man, how’d I get lucky enough to find such a great guy in a bar, but am unfortunate enough that he has to live far away…? Such is life.

Not sure where this weekend will leave us yet, but it sure has been great. More to come!

Prom Night Relived...

April 17, 2009.

Holy crow…this is unbelievable! I’m flying to Seattle right his very moment and have about and hour and 30 minutes until I see him! I’m super excited!

But first I must tell of my crazy night at 80’s prom. I totally slept with my prom date last night; however, I did not get laid. Figure out that riddle. We did it up royal last night! Our outfits were perfect! Our dates were hilarious and we painted LA very, very red. Seth was my prom date and he definitely didn’t disappoint. He even danced a bit at La Cita, the bar we went to Downtown. I remember most of the evening pretty well. It gets foggy near the end, but man was it worth it. At La Cita, Jess and I decided to get the party going and we dragged two unsuspecting victims onto the dance floor. My victim mainly took the job of keeping me off the floor.

After La Cita we headed back into the valley and went to our fave local spots. Nick was working the door at Maeve’s and all I remember is hugging him a LOT. Then Seth and I decided to head over to Fox and Hounds…God knows why and all I really remember about that is wiping out after taking a shot. I didn’t fall…oh no…it was a total wipeout. Ridiculously, utterly, embarrassing. Not going back there for a bit!

Then Seth, Jess and I all walked back to my place at the end of this night and Seth proceeded to pass out on the bathroom floor. I immediately went to bed and passed out, Jess hit on lil’ bro and tried to get a cuddle on. Then Lil’ bro woke me up and told me to get my drunken prom date off the bathroom floor so he could go shower. I dragged Seth into my bed and put him to sleep and fell asleep next to him (not even cuddling, thank God) and awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of him throwing up, in my bed…hoorah. Oh Prom. Now I know why twice is enough. Despite the messy ending, it was one hell of a night.

Then to make it even more perfect I got to wake up and catch a flight to Seattle. I can not wait. An hour and a half seems way too long right now. I’m so freaking anxious, a little nervous, happy, excited, glowing, I don’t even know. It feels unreal still. I’m gonna try to do my best and keep up the blogging this weekend, but I make no promises…I might find myself a bit distracted!

Oh sweet Joy….

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


April 15, 2009.

I feel like a kid going to Disneyworld for the first time. I’m so excited about getting on a plane in 41 hours and 34 mins…

Plus this couldn’t have been planned any better. Tomorrow night is our 80’s prom that we’ve been planning. I’m going with Seth and I got a kick ass crazy dress that looks just like Madonna out of the 80’s. Hot!

Ugh, I still have lots to do before this weekend and I’m not exactly sure where to begin. Today was good though, I got up early to run, attempted to go to an audition, then went dress shopping with Lacey and am super stoked with my purchases. Worked all night made some good dough and now am gonna do a few more errands around the house before I can get some shuteye.

And all I want to be doing is talking to Seattle on the phone. Ok, so we had another nice long talk last night where I broke down crying and I’m pretty sure I heard some sniffles on his end too. I told him how frustrated I am with everything right now, because I really do want a relationship and I really do want it to be with him, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to do long-distance (for the third time in my life). Why is life so cruel?

He was upset because he talked to an ex who’s being ridiculously jealous and angry with him liking me and apparently she made a big scene at school and said horrible things to him. To be completely honest, she sounds psycho to me. But, I would never say that to Seattle because he’s got one crazy lady in his life, he doesn’t need two. Plus, I know how to win these battles. Remain calm, non-judgmental and supportive the whole time. Don’t get jealous, angry or tell him what to do, even if you know the right move. That way, he will always know you’re the right girl for him and not that other controlling, manipulative, psychopath b*tch. Oops…did I say that?

Ok, deep breath. I’m fine. Ha, oh man this weekend is definitely going to be one for the books. We’re both still really excited to see one another, it’s just very sad as well because we don’t know if at the end of the weekend things will have to change for the better or the worse. All I know is that I’ll most likely be crying on the flight home. That’s fo sho’. It just isn’t fair!! How come great guys don’t live in LA? I’m glad to know they’re out there, somewhere, it just isn’t fair that they don’t live here.

Destined to be an old maid…on to prom!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Hopelessness sets in...

April 14, 2009

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve slacked for almost three days now!

Well, we’re down to 3 days till Seattle. I’m still excited but starting to be filled with a sense of hopelessness. What are we doing? We aren’t going to be able to have the type of relationship we want and I already know that long distance and I don’t get along. I’m so upset. I cried the other day while on the phone with Seattle. He didn’t know I was crying; I tried to hide it. I was just feeling so sad because I like that boy so much and yet I feel as if we don’t have a chance in hell of making this thing work.

I was supposed to go out Easter evening with some friends after having dinner at my place with Pete, Miguel and lil’ bro, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t like going out because I’m not trying to meet people and I don’t want to have conversations with guys I don’t care about. Ugh. So, I ditched my friends and stayed in and talked to Seattle for 2 ½ hours.

Last night I worked and then went out to Maeve’s with Nikki. Chad, the boy she’s been seeing for about a week now was there, of course, and Nick, his friend who thinks I’m “cute”, was also there. I tried my hardest to have a good time but it was increasingly difficult. I stood there while Nikki and Chad hugged and kissed and were totally involved in one another and Nick kept staring at me hoping to make interesting conversation and find some connection with me. FYI: I’m totally not interested in Nick, even if Seattle weren’t in the pic, Nick would not make it onto my radar. And it upsets me because, sure Nick’s a nice guy and fun to chill at a bar with, but can’t I do better? I’ve been having this argument with Seattle that the guys that hit on my really bring down my self-confidence. That may sound super snobby and I apologize, but it is true that if you’re constantly being hit on by skeezy looking, lame guys, you start to wonder: “Is that what I really deserve?”

And it’s especially hard when you have a gorgeous friend like Nikki that attracts the cutest, nicest guys. Where are my cute nice guys? Why can’t they live in LA?

To top off my night BM#1, who I haven’t heard from/have been ignoring since that unsuccessful trip down to Redondo, called me. He was clearly drunk and rambled on for at least 20 mins about how he needs a second chance with me. He apologized and was freaking out because he feels like he blew his chances with me and he’s not willing to accept that because there’s something about me. He said, “You have an amazing heart that hasn’t been tapped into yet.” And he wants to be the one to tap it…

I just sat and listened and cried. Why do I have an overabundance of guys in my life that need a second chance? Why couldn’t they have just gotten it right in the first place? I’m so sick of apologies, I just want one guy that gets it right and sticks around and doesn’t live thousands of miles away. I just really don’t think it’s possible in LA.

After talking to BM#1 I text Seattle on the off chance he was still awake and he was. He asked how the rest of my night went and I said, “Not great.” Then he responded, “Want to talk about it? Has to be short though.” This just made me more upset. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t want to feel like I had to put a time limit on it. I understand he’s got an important life and needs to get up early, but I want a guy who will sacrifice a little bit for me. I want him to say, “Call me, tell me all about it.” Not, “It has to be short, though.” Thanks for squeezing me in. I told him we’d just talk today. I’m so frustrated. I’m glad we didn’t talk last night because I probably would’ve unloaded all of my fears and crazy thoughts on him and regretted it this morning.

I wanted to ask him, “What are we doing???????????????????????????”

I also have decided that I’m not going to have sex with him when I go up to Washington in a few days. We’ve joked about it over the phone. But I’m really convinced now that it’s a bad idea. I don’t need to add a notch to my bedpost if it’s not someone who’s gonna be around for awhile. I have enough notches and would really like to keep that number where it is.

I’ve never felt so hopeless and desperate in my life and I absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

*Caution* Curveball ahead

April 11, 2009.

So, I get a text from a number I don’t have saved: “Bye *smiley face*”. I had a feeling I knew who it was but wasn’t totally sure, so I responded, “I don’t have this number saved, who is this?” And about five minutes later I get: “You waved goodbye, so I said, ‘bye’”.

Ok, so it was Lenny, the bankteller at my bank that I always end up getting. We’ve always chatted and exchanged flirtatious smiles here and there, but it’s never progressed. Today, while I was depositing my checks he nonchalantly asked my plans for tomorrow and I told him that I’m just doing dinner with friends since my family is all back in NY and he threw in, “No dinner plans with the boyfriends family?” and I smiled and said, “No, no boyfriend. I’m a busy woman.” Ha, I knew what he was doing…so ridiculous. Right after, I kicked myself and thought, “Damn! I should’ve said, no because my boyfriend lives in Seattle.” Too late.

Now, Lenny has my number. Which I’m not sure whether to flattered? Worried? Creeped out? I mean he got it from my profile in the banks database, which I’m sure is totally illegal to use unless its for business related purposes. But, I don’t know, it makes me smile. He’s real sweet and I’m not gonna lie, I used to wish he’d work up the nerve to ask me to dinner or something. But, now I’ve got Seattle in my life and I just don’t know what to do about that.

Oh life. Always throwing curveballs…gotta love it. Off to another crazy night at work!

Bon Voyage.

April 11, 2009

I’m a heartbroken fool and a heartbreaker. It’s 1:30am and I’m waiting for Todd to call. He called and pleaded and begged for me to come out tonight. I had already made plans with Miguel and Lee and lil’ bro, so I told him it was unlikely that I’d be coming out. He kept telling me to text him my address so that he could call a cab and send it over to pick me up.

Why is it always too little too late?

He leaves tomorrow for a two week cruise and I leave in 6 days to visit a guy who is absolutely wonderful in every way and plays no games. And yet, here I sit, unwilling to go to sleep because Todd might call. Like he said he would. He called me about four times begging me to come out and I refused and made excuses.

I just don’t know what I want and what to do. Lil’ bro is taking shots with me right now and not gonna lie, it makes me want to text Todd and see if he does have any intentions of coming my way.

The last time he called because he was upset that I text him, “So, I would love to see you tonight, but it really isn't possible, so enjoy yourself and have a great trip. Call me when you get back.” He called sounding really upset and said, “I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow. I just want to spend time with you.” I’m sure it was because he was drunk. But he just seemed so upset that we weren’t hanging out before he leaves. I have to admit that, yes, I’m a little upset too, since it’s 1:47am and he’s not here, nor has he called. I just have so many things I don’t understand and I want to ask so many questions.

It’s probably for the better though; I should really go to bed right now so that I don’t call or text Todd. I want to be really good for Seattle. 6 days! That’s nothing. Of course, I wouldn’t have a sex, but if Todd did come over, a make-out sesh would be hard to avoid. Ugh, what is wrong with me???

I like Seattle with my whole heart and soul and I really have no desire for anyone else, but if there really is no future, then I would like to enjoy the here and now. I’m lonely. I need companionship.

I feel like Todd realized what he lost and now is freaking out and doesn’t know how to deal or what to do to get it back. And as much as I want to text or call him and find out why he’s not here right now, I don’t want to give him any help. I was so good earlier and told him “no”, but then he asked, “Well, can you at least text me your address so that I can come over there?” And I of course said, “Yes”. I text him my address and now I’m the super lame one who’s waiting by the phone.

I need to go to bed and dream of Seattle’s arms around me. That’s where I feel calm and complete.

Goodnight. Bon Voyage.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Brains...That's hot!

April 9, 2009.

Ok, so apparently brains turn me on…Seattle sent me his 24 pg. Appellate Brief and swore I’d fall asleep reading it, but all I can think while reading through it is how sexy the words must sound coming out of his mouth. I’d love to see him argue in court. Hot!

So last night before bed Todd text me: “Fox & Hounds!!!” And I was already in my p.j.’s so I said, “What? Are you there?” to which he informed me he was not. He just wanted to see my reaction to his text. So we had a short little back and forth and discussed potentially going out tonight. I must have gone to sleep thinking about it because I dreamt that I was getting dressed up for a night on the town and all I could think was, “I gotta look good, Todd’s gonna be there…” Oy!

Think I am gonna go out with Jess and Nikki tonight, but if Todd does show up, probably a good idea for me not to drink so I don’t do something stupid that I’ll regret. I really do wanna be good!! It’s just so easy to be bad!! (And so much fun!)

Well, we’re down to 8 days! 8 days!!!! I bought something for Seattle today. Couldn’t help it, when I like someone I want to just buy them the world, just in case they don’t get how much I like them. I definitely didn’t break the bank with this gift, but I saw it and it made me smile, so I wanted to give it to him to make him smile and so he has it when I’m not there. It’s such a “highschool” gift. Can’t wait!

Alright, so I’m actually crunched for time and gotta get ready for work, but I’ll update either tonight or tomorrow after my night of adventure with the ladies!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It Could Always Be Worse

April 8, 2009.

6:21pm. Just got back from a day of random shooting. Humph. I think my next blog shall be about my acting life. Perhaps I should begin it now. I’ve got some pretty good stories up my sleeve!

Anywho, haven’t heard from/spoken to Seattle yet today. Not surprisingly, he’s got school all day and is a busy man. I always just get kind of paranoid when we go a whole day without a text or something. I know…I’m just being silly.

My step-dad today got on the phone and asked, “So what’s in Seattle?” It begins…I feel like it’s ending even before it gets a chance to begin. I explained to my mom and step-dad our frustrations about not living near one another. It could always be worse. Mom reassures that flights are getting cheaper and S. Dad pipes in that we’ll be getting lots of air miles on our United Visa. Then they brought up my cousin whose boyfriend is moving to Australia for 3 yrs. Ok, so it definitely could be worse!

I so badly want to call Todd today and take him up on his offer of dinner and a movie, but I know I really shouldn’t. It’s not that I even really want to start anything with him, it’s just that he’s here and I’m still lonely.

Think tonight will be a lazy movie watching evening…we shall see. Adventure often calls at random times!

Missin’ Seattle bad…

Begin and End Period

April 8, 2009.

It’s 5:42am and I can’t sleep anymore. I went to bed semi early after a drunken phone conversation with Seattle where I proceeded to tell him that I haven’t had my period in a year because of the birth control I was on. Why that came up or was something relevant I felt I needed to say? Who knows…

Our phone conversations have turned into a series of sighs and moans. No, not in that sense! In the sense that we’re so frustrated by our situation that we no longer know quite what to say other than, “Why can’t you live here! Grrrr….” The count is down to 9 days. 9 days till I hop a flight and land in the arms of Seattle. I’m still very very excited, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Todd text me Monday night while I was at work suggesting we do dinner and a movie Tuesday (yesterday). I told him, “Tuesday’s kind of booked.” I had already made dinner plans with Pete, Lee, Miguel and Lil’ bro. And I thought of offering an alternative date, but then stopped myself. I stopped because I realized doing that would be leading Todd on. I don’t even know what’s really going on with me and Seattle and I don’t need to complicate my life anymore. I think that was a common trap I would fall into last year. I was never really attached to any one particular guy, so I would go on dates with many and then end up having two or more guys thinking I was their girlfriend. Not gonna happen again.

I feel also, that my mind is becoming mush. I think it’s due to my alcohol intake, lack of world news, i.e. t.v. and nonexistent reading habits. I need to get smarter!

Seattle and I were chatting aka sighing and grunting the other night and he said something about one of my past blogs. Apparently, I wrote something in there about not “needing” someone in my life, but “wanting” them in my life and he started mumbling something about him “needing” and stopped himself and said, “Ugh, we’ll talk about it when you get here.” That phrase has come up a lot these days…

Last night too, he said, “I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with you.” Me too!! It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with someone. I feel as though I’m destined to always be in weird situations where I don’t have a “normal” relationship. It’s pretty unfair.

Also, I realized just a few minutes ago that I do believe I will be having my period when I go visit him. Which I have to chuckle at because even if I had decided that I was going to give him my newly founded v-card, I couldn’t. I think I’ve decided though that I’m not going to. I’m going to remain abstinent. My reasons are, as much as I would enjoy making love to him, I would be much more satisfied with myself if I waited until I was in a more stable relationship. One where I wasn’t going to fly into town, have sex and then leave, not knowing the next time we’d be together. It would feel somewhat pointless and that would defeat the whole purpose of my year of abstinence.

Monday, April 6, 2009


Quick addendum to April 5, 2009.

So, I just got hit on at the grocery store. I was choosing what kind of garbage bags to buy. I had a box of 32 drawstring bags in hand and someone walks behind me and says, “Drawstring, definitely the way to go.” “Right?” I replied, not even glancing up, because I figure, anyone who’s trying to pick a girl up at the grocery store is desperate. Then I realized he was not moving, but standing there trying to help me choose garbage bags. So, I glanced up. He was kind of cute. Nerdy cute. Emo glasses and a fedora. So we chatted for point two more seconds while walking down the aisle, all about garbage bags. Ok, as dorky as it was he’s still on my mind and at least made me smile.

But the real reason I needed to add on to today was because I had dinner with a man from my past this evening. Todd. He was one of the first guys I met when I moved out here. The first guy I slept with after “the ex”. We met at a club because we were goofing off and dancing together and he bought me a rose. We exchanged numbers and proceeded to hang out a few times in the next couple of weeks. He took me on real dates, dinner, dancing, and the whole shebang. But he has commitment problems and would randomly stand me up or “forget to call” when he said he would. So, I got over it real quick. But he still boggled my mind. He’s such a great catch in every other way except his flakiness. He’s “great on paper”: handsome, financially stable, takes lots of fun vacations throughout the year, but flakes.

Anyway, I actually emailed him a few weeks ago, just to see how his life is. I was certain he’s not with anyone these days, he never is. But that wasn’t my intention for contacting him. I’m clearly emotionally unavailable right now…ehemm, Seattle. We made dinner plans to meet up tonight and he actually text me to let me know that he was running 3min late. 3 min!! Maybe he’s a changed man??

Well, I saw him walk into the restaurant and immediately remembered how attractive he is. He’s a really good-looking man. He was super happy to see me and dinner was very nice. We caught eachother up on our goings on. He told me that it was funny to hear from me because he had just been talking about me the other night. We haven’t seen eachother, I think since last May. And that was just a friendly visit for about an hour. He thought I’d never want to see him again. He apologized for being a “douchebag”. Wow!

That also seems to be a pattern in my life. Men from my past resurfacing and apologizing for being dicks. I wonder if that happens to a lot of other girls or if these guys just all of a sudden realize they lost a really great thing.

It was just so odd because when we were “hanging out” back in the day, his friends were enthralled by me and so happy that he was “dating” me and told me that he was really into me and he hasn’t been into someone like this for some time and then…nothing. It was very confusing, frustrating and awful at the time.

At dinner tonight, he already started making plans for next week for us! Wow! I’ll believe it when I see it. But also, I can’t help to think what bad timing! Seattle on the phone last night was saying two weeks is a long time before we see eachother, because “a lot can happen in two weeks.” Yes sir, a lot can happen in two weeks…

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

April 5, 2009.

I need a dildo. Woke up this morning, crazy horny and decided that it’s something I need. I’ve never owned one, but I hear they’re a pretty common household product!

Had a four-hour conversation last night/into this morning with Seattle. We ended the conversation talking about how hard it is going to be for me to abstain from him when I go visit in two weeks. I told him I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Pro: I’m sure it would be phenomenal. Con: I’d have given up my commitment to abstinence after 3 ½ short months. Pro: It’s with someone I really care about. Con: It would make it even harder to leave and come back to a life far away.

He’s great. It’s totally unfair. I told him about Pete. I couldn’t help it. Honesty is way too important for me, so I’d want him to tell me, if the situation were reversed. Of course, I spared him the details, but at least he knows and the crazy thing is we’re so on the same page with things. He told me obviously he’s “hurt” because he wishes it was him, but we aren’t exclusive and it would be unfair if he asked me to be. His words. He’s giving me the freedom I always want from men, but with him I don’t need or want it. Does that make sense?

I still have two weeks, 12 days to be exact until I see him. I just hope I get crazy busy so that time flies by. I’m unbelievably anxious and I know he is too. I think we’re pretty antsy to find out how the weekend goes, because it will answer a lot of our questions. It’s sort of going to be a deciding factor on where we go from here. Do we take the huge step and commit to a serious long-distance relationship? Do we take the mature step and decide it’s just not really a good idea? Do we remain friends who really really like eachother and dread the day one of us finds someone else? Do we become exclusive and worry that the other person is not really happy because we can’t be with people in our vicinity? All of those situations suck.

I’ve done distance before and frankly it’s unbearable. Therefore…

I don’t even want to finish that. We were both getting a bit choked up on the phone last night even talking about it, because I think we both know that we are in fact prolonging the inevitable.

He said to me, “You deserve a great guy and a great relationship and I want to be that guy…”then he paused for a really long time and I didn’t respond because I was just waiting for him to add, “but…”.
Because the truth is I want him to be that great guy and that great relationship. There is no one else I want and not sure if there will be.

I still do believe everything happens for a reason and I know we meet people for a reason and not necessarily because we need them for the rest of our lives, but because for some reason we need them right then in our lives. So perhaps Seattle is creating a happy distraction that is putting me on a different path than I’d have taken without him. Perhaps in a month he’ll no longer be such a large part of my life, but I’ll have him to thank for where I end up. Perhaps…

Saturday, April 4, 2009

What are we??

April 4, 2009.


Ok, had to let that out. This is one of the worst posts I’ll have to write since…well since before I met Seattle. What is wrong with me? Yesterday I had my first day back working at Cecil’s. It went fine. Afterwards, Nikki and I went out for sushi and then were going to head over to my friend Pete’s cause he was having people over. I didn’t really feel like going, because I’ve been partying a bit much this week and I need to cool down, but I figured, if Nikki’s there we can “make an appearance” and then head home.

Nikki headed home first to change and I headed to Pete’s. The second I walked through the door, I received a text from Nikki saying she’s not coming. Ugh! So, now I was stuck. I had to hang out for a short while. I couldn’t very well just walk out the door now! I figured I’d stay for one drink then head home.

Now, my problem is, I’m an idiot. I was casually sipping my one drink and Pete signed me up for a round of Beer Pong. One game couldn’t hurt…

Seattle called me while I was waiting to play. I was super excited to hear from him. We chatted for a bit when Pete started flagging me over to play. We were up! I told Seattle that I really, really didn’t want to hang up so he better drunk dial me later or call me today. Off to pong…

I was on a team with Pete, and M. We were doing pretty poorly when all of a sudden we won the game! Which meant we were to compete against the next team. Oy, more drinking. The next team consisted of Pete’s two other roomies and their friend. We were in the middle of the game and Pete pulled me aside and said, “I just glanced around the room and do you realized that every guy in here has his eyes on you?” I just brushed the comment off and giggled saying it’s not true. But Pete kept just reinforcing that every guy was staring at me. Well, there were slim pickin’s there, what can I say?

Anywho, needless to say, I got drunk after my third game of pong and was planning on staying on the couch, when Pete offered me his bed. I’m stupid when I drink. So after our third and final round of pong Pete and I headed upstairs to bed. I laid down and “passed out” and he went to change into p.j’s in the bathroom. When he came back he woke me up and we started teasing and wrestling with one another and he kissed me. Ugh. So, we’ve been friends for over a year now and nothing has ever happened between us and I was quite happy with that fact. He’s my neutral guy friend!! But, his kisses were very nice and I let him and we started to fool around and he told me he really wanted to “fuck” me. Guys are awesome. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” All I could think was, “I can’t do this to Seattle!”

I mean we’re not “dating”, we haven’t defined what we are to one another, which I think is making me confused and not sure how to act anymore. Am I single? Am I in a relationship? I still really like him and am so excited to be going to Washington in 13 days, but what if I get there and things aren’t as great as they are over the phone? That’s why I don’t want to commit to him now, before the trip. And I don’t mean I want to be with other people, I just don’t want to call him my boyfriend before I know if it’s a good idea or not.

Oy, so anyway, I spent the night with Pete. We didn’t have sex, which I’m sure he was very frustrated by. I told him there was someone else in my life and that I didn’t want things to change between him and me either. I like him as my friend! I’ve never really been physically attracted to him, but he can be quite funny and a lot of fun to hang out with and now I know he’s a really good kisser.

All I could think this morning when I woke up was how I wanted to roll over and kiss him more and how I totally shouldn’t. I didn’t.

Here’s my next dilemma: Do I tell Seattle? I’m all about honesty and if we are in fact going to be in eachothers lives I feel as if I need to tell him. But on the other hand, we’re not a couple…yet, so maybe telling him would just mess things up unneccessarily. I know I’m taking one large risk putting it out here in this blog as well, since he knows he has the power to read it. He recently stopped reading it because he was feeling guilty about it. I think I almost need him to say to me, “Don’t be with other people.” And I would gladly say, “Ok, that is fine by me.”

I feel like I always freak out when the potential for something great comes into my life. I’m great at sabotaging myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What do I do?

Friday, April 3, 2009


April 3, 2009.

9:45am. And I’m up! The Internet guy is here because lil’ bro needs his Internet. Tired.

Had to give a quick little update. I had the best sex with Seattle in my dream last night. It just isn’t fair…
It was…awesome. It’s so strange because here I am trying to stay a year single and a year celibate and I meet a great guy who I’d love to date/sleep with, however, as a cruel twist of irony, he lives two states away. I wonder if that’s the universe telling me I am meant to remain single/celibate and in fact giving me a great excuse to turn down other guys and other opportunities. Hmmm.

White Trash Night

April 3, 2009.

It’s 2:55 am, and what better time then now to recap the night’s events! I just got home a little bit ago and had one of the greatest nights I’ve had in LA since being here. Spent the night with three great girls, Jess, Nikki, and Lacey. Started the night with dinner at Cecil’s with Nikki, then we prepared for our “white trash” night.

Andrew, the bartender from F&H invited us last night to come to his birthday white trash bash. So, we did our best to be the trashiest b*tchs around. I was DD, so I brown bagged a Disanni flavored water and bought Andrew a gold magnum condom and mini SoCo for his b-day present. The party started at 7pm, but we arrived fashionably late at 10:30pm. We, needless to say, were the only ones dressed the part. No one else got the memo…but we totally brought the party. Everyone loved our getups and our ‘tudes. It was truly a blast.

Also, strangely enough, I ran into someone I knew at the party! Small world, LA. Seth, as in Nate’s old co-worker and Margaret’s crush, was there. So funny, apparently him and Andrew are in a band together. Again, what a small world! I honestly never thought I’d see him again. But we chatted tonight and I invited him to be my date to the 80’s prom night we’re planning for the 16th. He’s just as stoked as we are! So yay! I have a date! Can’t wait for the word to get back to Margaret and Nate…ha! I’m so evil. Anywho, we decided our getups were too good to be wasted all night long in one place. So we stayed for about an hour or so and decided to get our show on the road.

We drove to Off Kilt and were about to go in, when we decided it looked too dead for our liking. We headed over to Chimney Sweep and inside, strange looks followed us everywhere. It was funny. It was way too quiet there for us, so we then tried a place called The Port, only to find it was way empty except for five people on stage playing Rock Band. Hmmm…we stayed there long enough to play with one guy and totally ruined his song, because none of us knew how to play. After that we dropped off Lacey, she was getting tired but the three of us kept on!

We were off to Pineapple Hill. There we finally planted ourselves. After all it was 1am and only 30 min till last call. We were only there for about 5 min and already made friends. Thanks to Nikki’s good looks. Three guys at the end of the bar started chatting us up. I ended up having a conversation with one guy and it led to us discovering that we had in fact met before and had a similar conversation. He knew Margaret because he was a regular at the restaurant she used to work at. Again, what a small world. Apparently, he had text her saying we should all hang out and she never gave me that message. Hmmm…

So, it was a very interesting evening. I forgot to mention that Andrew, when we were saying goodbye, definitely was hoping for a little smooch. He was blatantly trying and I just laughed and said, “I’m not gonna kiss you, drunky!” He then claimed he was only going for a hug…yup, ok, liar. He told me he thinks I’m cute and we should definitely hang out. I told him to call me, “You got my number.” Now, I’m sure Andrew’s a great guy, however, he’s got one attribute I just can’t get behind. In the short time I’ve known him, he’s been drunk 80% of it. And he’s a bartender and everyone knows bartenders like to drink. Plus, he’s got way too many similarities to Sam, and we all know how that ended up. Eek. I’m learning not to repeat mistakes. Slowly, but surely.

Ugh, 14 days!!!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Screaming at the Top of My Lungs

April 2, 2009

This picture is how I feel today. 15 days till Washington. Time is going too slowly. Ok, where to begin…yesterday, eh?

Went to Fox and Hound with Nikki. The bartender we met on Monday night was working and remembered us. Gave us free drinks and shots. I only had one of each. I was driving. He was a lot of fun to chat with all night and we both couldn’t help but notice how much he reminded us of Sam. Very much similar. Even to the point where he was getting wasted on the job and not caring at all.

Lots of men there on Wednesday night! Our odds were pretty good. Nikki was scoping out the soccer team that was entering in groups of two. She realized it’s the same team her ex used to play on, but that didn’t stop her from hoping to get back on the team! Then we realized that one of the guys from Monday night was on the team as well! Uh-oh, his friend had called me earlier as well and I ignored it, naturally. He left a message. Ugh. Well, Ned, the guy that we ran into again at F&H seemed pretty chill, so we chatted with him for a bit.

Nikki found some new eye candy and of course two seconds later he pulled up a barstool and started chatting her up. She was over it in five minutes. Jess joined us at the bar after work and we all went outside for a smoke (I watched). Nikki said, “What a waste!” She was referring to the guy she had just been talking with because he was super attractive and yet his mind was slosh from all the drugs he’s done. She’s right, what a waste.

We decided to head over to the other bar, Maeve’s for a bit. Our odds were just as good over there, but the crowd was a little weird. We were being wallflowers by ourselves and a guy comes over and uses this as an “in”: “Is that your library card hanging out there for everyone to see?” Referring to my key chain that was attached to my belt loop and yes, has my lib. card on it. Now if he had been a cast member on Mystery’s reality show, “The Pickup Artist”, he’d have lost this round. The three of us proceeded to chat about reading, and um…yes it was the most boring conversation I’ve ever had at a bar. I kept turning my body further and further away from him in hopes that he’s good with body language, but alas, he still stayed too long.

Ned, from F&H came in not too long after so we headed over to him and his friends to chat. They were also awkward. Come on guys! Where’s your game at??

These two other guys that we had been bumping into all night came over and asked if we needed to be saved. They had been noticing that we’ve been getting into a lot of “boring” conversations all evening. I swear to God, I thought these two guys were gay. Therefore, they were “safe” and the four of us chatted casually and it was fun. Then, Dom (one of the gay guys) started flirting with me and asking me when he’ll see me here next and blah blah blah. Oh no! Even if he was straight, and I wasn’t so in like with Seattle, he is sooo not my type! How does this happen?

Well, Dom has already found me on myspace and sent me a message saying that I was “too gorgeous” last night and if I could “tone it down” the next time we hang out that would be great. Now I just know he’s full of shit, because I was not dressed up at all, had very little makeup on and did nothing with my hair. He must’ve had his ‘goggles’ on…

Nikki and I left the bar and headed straight for Carls Jr. We had been craving it all night. I think I was craving it because I had gone on a 40min run that day and working out makes me hungry. We chowed down at her place and talked about the many boys. I can’t keep track anymore. It’s getting to be a bit much. While there, I received a text from Seattle: “My turn for a late night text. Sad thing is that I have no fun story to tell about being up late, just homework. I feel like I am hanging out with u, i.e. going to bed at 2:30 and getting up at 7:30. This would be much more fun if I had you to wake up to.”

Man, he says the right things. I was telling Jess and Nikki earlier that night that it’s definitely going to be hard for me to not have sex with him when I go visit in a few weeks. I’m gonna wanna so bad! Nikki’s advice, “Just go for it if it feels right!” I guess it’s just weird for me, because if I did in fact “just go for it” how would that be any different then what I did all last year. So many guys, so much sex, so little satisfaction. I want the meaning behind the action now…humph. When did I regain my morals? Ha!

I think I’m moving my ring back to the left for a little while. I need a break.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy April!

April 1, 2009.

Humph. Went to bed happily imagining falling asleep next to Seattle in 16 days…can’t wait. We chatted last night before bed, I love having evening convo’s with him. He inspires me to be healthier, smarter, and in turn makes me happier.

I had been thinking that I wanted to bring him a gift or something when I go to visit. I had been racking my brain and finally decided I think I shall make him dinner one of those nights. So I asked him last night what his favorite meal is and he basically told me, “pasta”. Well, that would be super easy, but I want a bigger challenge. We ended up talking about food for about a half an hour; both our inner fat kids were drooling. But I think I’ve figured out what it is I’ll be making. Meatloaf. Mmm…sounds delicious, right?

Well, I have a recipe for it that my brother in law made up so I’m going to attempt it. I have never before attempted such a thing, so I might have to do a trial run before I get to Washington.

I don’t have much to update with right now, the day is fairly young. I have an audition in a few hours that I’m uber excited for. It’s for a video project that a superbly talented photographer is making. I would have to be ok with nudity…and I think I am, after looking over her work, she does it extremely tastefully. I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of nudity. Sometimes I wonder, “why did it ever become such a shunned thing?” I mean it’s everyone’s most natural state and it’s beautiful. It’s a shame that we can’t all be comfortable and confident in our birthday suits.

Anywho, going out with Nikki and Lacey tonight. We’re hitting up trivia night at a local bar, so I’m sure I’ll have adventures to share later!