Monday, March 9, 2009 love?

March 8, 2009.

He’s falling in love with me. That’s what he told me, word for word. Completely honest. Ray is in love with me. And thus, we can no longer spend time together. Story of my life. We can’t be friends, you know why? “Because we were more than that from the moment we met.” Wait, hold up…who said this to me before? Right. Tony. How ironic. Two completely different humans, saying the nicest thing a girl could want to here, only one means it in an asshole sense and the other means it in the Love at First Sight sense. But they both have something in common: I don’t want them.

The whole time Ray was speaking to me I just kept listening and hearing what he was saying and all I could think was, “What the hell is wrong with me?” and I also kept thinking, “Boy am I gonna regret this!” But you know what? I can’t help but think I still did the right thing because I kept trying to cry. That’s right, trying…to cry. I came close, but no cigar.

I’m utterly confused and bewildered and have no idea any more what it is I’m looking for. Because I keep telling guys, “I’m not dating.” Or “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” When what I mean to say is “I’m not gonna date you.” Or “ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.” Truth be told, I would love to have a boyfriend. Someone to hang out with and chat with and have sleepovers with. But my options are not appealing to me right now. I’m not satisfied.

I’m jealous of Ray, because I desperately want to feel that way about someone. But I suppose it must suck when it’s unrequited. But, I would just like to feel again. Something. Something like love.

We shall see. Positive thoughts and fairy dust. That’s what I need right now! Take me away Peter Pan! (to never-never land).

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