Thursday, March 26, 2009

Is there a pattern here?

March 25, 2009.

First night in quite a few nights that I’m home, and don’t have to rush around preparing things for the next day and jump right into bed. It’s super nice. And I’m still living alone…super, super nice. I’m finding myself more and more satisfied with life these days. Everything seems to be falling into place and daily I’ll let out a sigh of contentment. I hope that 2009 is proving to be like that for most people.

Had a meeting with a potential roommate today. He was very cool and we seemed to get along right away. What struck me as funny is he kept complaining about his current roommate being so “unmotivated” and he can’t stand being around unmotivated people because it makes him feel unproductive and annoyed. How ironic…sounds like someone I know. I reassured him that I’m extremely motivated and the most positive person he’ll find. He’s calling me tomorrow to let me know if he’s moving in or not. His roommate is waiting to hear about a job and if it falls through, he’s moving back to Minnesota and I gain a roommate, but if it works out, they’ll probably stay together. Eek, I’ve never wished for someone to not get a job, but hey, I could really use a roommate. But, you know, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be!

Seattle called me today. I had briefly talked to him last night when I was out with friends, because I had been dying to call him all-day and just honestly had no moments alone. But, we went out for drinks and dinner and I snuck away to chat while we waited for our food to arrive. I had to cut the convo short, and I really hated doing it, so I told him to give me a call these next three days, since I’ll be relatively available. So he did. Yay! He was procrastinating doing schoolwork and I was preparing my house for a potential roomie and very glad for the distraction.

He told me last night that he feels incredibly bad reading my blog. Which I can understand, because it is almost as if he were reading my diary. And who knows, there may be things that come along that he doesn’t want to read. But, I’m all about honesty and if something happens that may not be appealing, then we move on. Better than denying things or hiding things.

I really want to see him again. We joked about him visiting James sometime soon and “squeezing me in” or me coming up that way in a few weekends. Not gonna lie, I really want to. I told him that usually when I want something, it’s rare that I let reality get in the way. For example, my second boyfriend, Tom, when I met him, I was visiting friends in Illinois and cancelled my flight back home so I could spend an extra day with him. Now this wasn’t realistic because it cost me cancellation fees and a bus ticket back home, but it was worth it to me. And hey, we dated for a year (which is long for me).

I used to say in High School, “I have to see a future before I see a beginning.” Meaning, I’m not going to start dating someone unless I can see a real future in it. And I stuck with that motto, turned down every invitation until Drew and we dated for three years. It worked pretty well. I think I need to start that motto back up. I really wouldn’t be so into Seattle if I didn’t think there was something there. It’s real easy for me to move on and get over guys very quickly, because there’s usually no real emotion between us. Especially when they’re far away. Why bother? But there’s something there.

Like Will. Sure we got to spend time together last summer, but I couldn’t help but think about him even though he was off living life in Florida and here I am in LA. There was something there. But oddly enough, I had this strange feeling when he was off in Australia this past Feb. that he met someone, or something changed. I called him when he was supposedly back in the states to catch up and find out how Australia was, plus we had discussed him potentially coming to visit. I got his voicemail, left a message and haven’t heard from him since. That was March 4th. So, I think my intuitions were right. But that gave me the freedom I needed to feel free to look around. Before I was kind of closed off because I was holding onto hope.

I just realized that I have a pattern I never knew about and I wonder if it’s healthy or if it’s in fact a “safety” thing I do. I held onto hope that “the ex” would come visit, fall back in love with me and be mine for the rest of eternity. I knew this wouldn’t happen, but I continued to hope. I held onto hope that Will would come visit, realize we were meant to be together and decided to finally move to LA like he thinks about every so often. I knew this was unrealistic because his whole life is in Florida, he’s got no reason to leave, but I continued to hope. Now, I’m hoping that Seattle and I hit it off and somehow, even though he lives way up north and I live way down south, there’s a potentially bright future.

Am I insane? Do I always need someone just out of reach to care for me so that I can remain independent yet loved? So that I can retain my single lifestyle but at the same time not have to pursue strange men in LA? Do I need someone that’s a possibility so that when I’m fully ready for commitment I can work my magic and make them come to me? What’s my damage?

I really don’t think Seattle’s just a distraction I’ve set up for myself. But it does make me wonder…I can’t believe the last three men I really cared about have been from far off places and yet I always think there’s a possibility even though I’m so stubborn I would never be the one to change locale.

However, maybe that’s just all hogwash and it’s really a statement about how there are no dateable/relationship men in this crazy town. I have to look elsewhere to find the good ones and just pray that they’ll eventually be close enough to spend time with. Ugh, I hate this place! Ha, but it’s necessary I be here.

Seattle is very different then the guys I’ve dated in the past. I tend to date very artistic, emotional guys. Seattle is very book smart and is very logically minded. Maybe I need someone that’s the complete opposite of all my fuck-ups. Hey, it worked for my sister. She went from “metro-sexual” to “manly man”.

Alright, I have way too much on my mind and need to stop writing this instant! Lots of free time tomorrow, hopefully it’ll be spent all by myself!

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