Old Flames

March 5, 2009.

Oy vay. Will I ever cease to be frustrated? I think not. Ray text me today and invited me to come over for dinner tomorrow before we go to the movie. He’ll cook…what do I want? What I want is for him to not cook for me and to not kiss me when we meet up and not like me like that. What I want is to meet someone my age; who’s goofy and has no idea where his life is headed and needs me to be there along the ride. I want someone who’s got tons of flaws and makes me feel not so embarrassed about tripping and sweating and saying the wrong thing. I want someone a little less positive and able to speak a negative word every once in awhile. I want someone harder to get.

Is that too much to ask? Will I always do this? Find a great guy and freak out and run the opposite way? Find a million and one reasons not to date him, not to take his calls, not to believe what he tells me? Find every excuse in the book why it won’t work out?

Can’t I just stop thinking for two seconds????!!!!!

I don’t want major commitment. I don’t want marriage. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a 39yr old man who lives in a studio apt. I don’t want someone I never knew at my age.

I want to experience life with the man I’m supposed to be with. I want to know their past and present and be there as they fill in their future.

ARGH!!! I spent the whole day exercising because I had nothing else to do and am working on something tomorrow that I’m so embarrassed to even mention, but I need the money (no it’s not porn…I’m not that desperate yet). Especially, if I’m going out to drinks and a movie tomorrow night with people.

Don’t get me wrong. My life is really going great these days. I’m just so sick of myself not finding a guy I truly want to be with. I’ve got so many roadblocks and I make things so hard to enjoy. I don’t want to lose my independence and my right to spend a day doing whatever the heck I want, with whoever the heck I want and having no one in my life that’s allowed to judge or become jealous or angry. I’m not sure I want anyone to miss me. It’s just easier that way. Humph. Help me!

Ok, I just re-read what I’ve written to spell check and correct any errors and I know whom it is that I want. Don’t know if I should even write this, but it’s someone from my past; who I miss terribly. How does that happen? You kick someone out of your life and go years without speaking, but then, one lonely night, after a year and three months of not finding someone who’s right for you, you realize you had him way back when.