March 23, 2009.
On set. Ray’s here. Not as awkward as I imagined. Thank goodness. I avoided him at first, since the whole birthday thing was pretty bad, but he approached me today to say hi and we chatted for a bit. It was nice. It actually felt normal and not weird to sit next to him. He actually felt like a friend, but at the same time, I was comfortable and wanted to put my arm around him and tell him I missed him (as a friend) but knew that would just stir up other emotions in him and I just didn’t want to go there. But I feel as if we can be cool from this point on. Good.
Ok, so I was walking around set and every time I’m walking around a studio set, I can’t help but think, “I’m a star” and not in a snobby, I’m better than everyone else sort of way, but in a I belong here, sort of way. My whole walk changes; my confidence rises and heads turn. Ok, yeah, so I’m a blonde in a short skirt and boots, but that has nothing to do with it…
Seattle’s on my mind. Whenever I think about him I can’t help but smirk. The thing I really appreciated about his email was the fact that he wasn’t overly “I’m so in to you, please be my girl, I need you, can’t live with out you, blah blah yuck!!”
I think what I want and what I’ve gained from meeting him is the knowledge that there’s a nice guy out there, who could potentially be great in my future. But for right now, we’re both in different places. He’s living far north, working on his law degree and totally going to be financially stable within the next couple years. I’m living in the city of sin and planning my rise to fame within the next year and half. We’re busy people chasing our dreams and if our dreams happen to coincide one day, I think I’d like that. But no rush. I believe in fate, so if something is meant to be, it will be…
* * *
Got home about an hour ago and am completely wiped out. I have one if not two more days ahead of me on this shoot. Plus, if I’m lucky, I get to go to an audition tomorrow after work. I really hope it works out. I had to miss an audition today that I was rather excited about, but I honestly couldn’t give up the pay.
Anywho, received a text from my first love tonight. He’s drinking a beer with one of our mutual best friends and I guess they were thinking of me. I always love the surprise texts from him. It’s reassuring that after all the time that’s passed we can still pop into eachothers heads and have amiable feelings. I like that a lot. It definitely took some time, but it worked out. I text him back that I was jealous and wished I could join them. Didn’t get a response yet…it’ll come within the next month. That’s how we roll.
My whole body is yelling at me to stop writing and go to sleep, but I keep feeling like my day is incomplete. I wanted to pick up the phone and call Seattle the moment I walked through the door and tell him about my day. I’ve wanted to do that every day since I met him. But, I’d feel weird and not sure how he would like that. It’s been awhile since there’s been someone in my life I feel like I can call and chat with about menial things. Humph. Why’s he gotta live so far? Ha, ok, so patience is a virtue and I’m trying really hard these days to be a patient person. Maybe this is supposed to teach me even further.
Alright I’m about to pas..s..o..u….zzzzzzzzzzz.