Friday, June 5, 2009
June 5, 2009.
I had these wild dreams last night involving the infamous ex (he who shall remain nameless). Strange, because I don't often think of him anymore and it leads me to wonder, who/what he was representing in last nights dream.
In the dream we were having a very childish feud. A game of pranks that would continually piss one person off leading the other to retaliate. The very last thing he did to piss me off was buy drinks for two girls that were at the bar with us and had the waitress bring me the change. I don't really understand this either, but it made me so upset that I grabbed the five dollar bill the waitress was handing me, crumpled it up and shoved it into the whiskey drink he was having – I suppose to ruin the money and the drink, right?
Then I proceeded to run away from the bar and he followed, caught up with me, tackled me and we lay on the sidewalk outside the bar and I just said, “Arrrgggghhh!!!! I can't do this anymore!” and he, while sitting on top of me, looks down and with all earnestness says with a sigh, “Me either.” Then rolls off of me and there we had it. We had driven each other to insanity and couldn't take a moment more. It was mutual anger and distress and we both knew there was nothing left of “us”.
I love analyzing other peoples dreams, when I know them well enough to know what's going on with their lives, so maybe I can analyze my own...let's see:
Well, obviously the ex is someone that brings me non-stop frustration. So I'm experiencing frustration from someone or something in my life. I must feel as if I'm in continual competition with this person, always trying to one up them, but never truly succeeding. I know in my heart this must stop, but just haven't said it aloud yet. So, what am I competing for? Who or what am I frustrated with?
The only thing that kept popping into my head while writing that was: Nikki. It's not so much that I'm mad at her or frustrated, but I do think at times it's difficult because when we go out, I always go out with the mindset of: “Well, she's better than me in every way, so I just won't hope/expect to meet anyone tonight.” And even though she's a very humble person, there is no self doubt in her that she can get whoever she sets out to get. I hate competition, especially with friends. So when it arises in any fashion, I'm always the first to back down. I will never, ever compete for a boy. I will never, ever try harder to get a guys attention. If he's not going to acknowledge me for who I am, then he's not worth it. I don't chase.
It's bad because I know this thought has frequented my mind lately: I often think about when I meet someone I really like and who seems to really like me, I don't want them to meet Nikki, in fear that they'll start questioning why they liked me at all. I know this is silly. Nikki and I are completely different people and wonderful in our own ways. It's just hard in this materialistic, self-centered, looks are all that matter world of LA to see and understand what I have to offer every time an attractive guy walks our way and strikes up a convo with Nikki.
Well, I guess I figured it out. This sucks, because I love Nikki to death and I know she would never, ever do anything to hurt me or our friendship and vice versa. But sometimes I just want to shout, “Leave some for the rest of us!!!” Ha.
I need to do something for myself today and the rest of the week to make myself feel valuable. Thinkin' about getting a haircut today and perhaps my tattoo (that I've been dreaming of) next week. That'll help at least temporarily...
As for now, on to exercise!!