June 18, 2009.
“I feel like no man will ever love me...” That's the drunken text I just sent to Seattle at 2:51am. I don't know why I sent it to him. Perhaps because I feel like he's the closest I've gotten to love in the last year and half so he'll have an answer as to “why no man will ever love me?”
I just feel so defeated.
Went out after work with my girls. Was planning on having a fun only no man night. Jess and I decided we wanted to invite Laurie out and of course...guess who shows up with him. Madrid. Great. I was kind of upset. Gave him an awkward hug hello and continued my night, flirting with other guys at the bar.
Then Laurie said his goodbyes and gave hugs as he was leaving and I watched Madrid go out and have a smoke by Laurie's car. That's it! I decided. I ran outside like a fool and kissed him, like a fool and he pulled away, and I kissed him again, like a fool. And then I apologized. Like a fool.
I feel like no man will ever love me. Nikki went home with her band boyfriend. Jess flirted with a hot stranger all the while knowing nothing would happen due to her incredible bf in Hawaii. Lacey went home with a hot newly found friend. I went home.
Jess is spending the night, since she's drunk and neither of us could drive. I told her how I was feeling and she responded in her slurred drunken language, “It's just not for you right now. It's just not for you.”
How true. How poignent. How sad. How lonely. It's just not for me right now. Love: it's not for me at the moment. It hasn't been for me in a year and 8 months...when will it be for me?
I actually considered just calling Tony for some useless, emotionless sex tonight. I felt like it was necessary. But thank God I didn't. The 2 stupidest things I did was text Seattle and kiss Madrid. I guess life could be worse...
It could be worse. And do not worry - things happen when you least expect it. At least that's what they say, right?
ReplyDeleteOh and PS: I left you something on my blog. :)
ReplyDeleteCan I just tell you something, that I hope you totally don't take the wrong way? I'm just confused, this blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.
ReplyDeleteSo why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc....
What happened in 6 months that made you so much more dependant on love and men. You have to figure YOURSELF out before you fall in love. Love yourself.
Just a thought... sorry if it's offensive.