'Look around your world, pretty baby, is it everything you hoped it'd be??'

June 9, 2009.

1:45am.

Just walked in the door from one of the busiest, yet most rewarding days of my life. Started with an audition for a pilot this morning (didn't do wonderfully, so not really expecting a call), then straight to acting class where my teacher made me feel really good about my upcoming audition this Thursday...we'll see if his technique gets me the job. I'll be stoked if it makes a vast difference in booking gigs. Then I came home and freaked out for awhile trying to get the sides(script) that I needed to rehearse with my scene partner for Wednesday's class. Had no luck, we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Oy.

Then rushed to a film fest where one of my friends had a film showing and then rushed to rehearsal for the female quartet I'm in. Then, last but not least had an impromptu ladies night with Jess and Nikki at Mexicali. It was mucho needed.

A little recap of last nights adventures. I got off work earlier than expected and text Todd. He wanted to do dinner and a movie. So I ran to fed ex and then ran home to shower and got ready just in time. Got more crap from the neighbors about my sat. night party, so I vented to Todd the whole way to the theater. I apologized for venting.

We took too long getting food, so we only had appetizers and then went to see “The Hangover”. Truly funny, but I feel like I was just too distracted by life in general to be able to really enjoy it. Held hands with Todd the whole movie and was really annoyed. He kept picking at my fingernails and it was really uncomfortable and then he would like rub the bone at the base of my thumb and it was equally uncomfortable. That could have something to do with why I wasn't paying attention to the movie. I wanted to rip my hand away.

But, it was nice to have a normal date for once. He dropped me at home, knowing he couldn't come in and I couldn't go back with him, we're both busy people. So we kissed goodnight and he said, “I'll call you.” You'd better call me. Ha.

I don't know if I mentioned but at the party the other night I was sitting on his lap at one point and I remember kissing him and he smiled and said, “I'm glad you gave me a second chance.” And I smirked and replied, “I haven't given you a second chance yet...” and he goes, “I see how it is.”

I don't know. Today I just couldn't help but feel like I'm making a mistake by being with Todd. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. But, I just don't think we're meant to be with one another. I want to be with someone that I can't get out of my mind. Someone who makes me giddy just by texting. Someone who can make me laugh so hard I cry. Someone who never makes me cry. That person is most likely not Todd. *sigh*

It's so wrong of me, but I just don't know how to tell him this and I keep hoping that my busy-ness keeps him at bay and maybe I can use that as an excuse...

Humph. So, Seattle's been on my brain tonight. Wanted to text him just to say 'hi'. It's not that I find myself missing him, but I do find myself thinking of him every once in awhile. His birthday was about a week ago. I purposely didn't text/call/email or write about in this blog because honestly, I wanted him to be sad about it. I know, real mature. I kept wanting to text him something mean like, “Hey, happy birthday, try not to repeat mistakes and avoid Becks.” But, I knew that would be stupid and mean for no reason. I was just feeling bitter.

Well, I thought about emailing him tonight and saying something like, “I'm glad we're not talking because it makes it easier...” Sadly enough, it does make it easier. I don't want to think about all the girls that have come into his life recently. I'm sure he doesn't want to think about the boys in mine, yet he'll occasionally check my blog. When he misses me, I suppose.

I've been a jerk and have purposely been avoiding talking about him so that he can't get the satisfaction of knowing he's still on my brain. I guess the jig is up now, if he checks. Oh well, I'll probably regret this in the morning, but for now it's what i'm thinking about and it's the truth. Humph again.

Alright, exhaustion is hitting. Ta ta for now kiddos!