What are we??

April 4, 2009.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ok, had to let that out. This is one of the worst posts I’ll have to write since…well since before I met Seattle. What is wrong with me? Yesterday I had my first day back working at Cecil’s. It went fine. Afterwards, Nikki and I went out for sushi and then were going to head over to my friend Pete’s cause he was having people over. I didn’t really feel like going, because I’ve been partying a bit much this week and I need to cool down, but I figured, if Nikki’s there we can “make an appearance” and then head home.

Nikki headed home first to change and I headed to Pete’s. The second I walked through the door, I received a text from Nikki saying she’s not coming. Ugh! So, now I was stuck. I had to hang out for a short while. I couldn’t very well just walk out the door now! I figured I’d stay for one drink then head home.

Now, my problem is, I’m an idiot. I was casually sipping my one drink and Pete signed me up for a round of Beer Pong. One game couldn’t hurt…

Seattle called me while I was waiting to play. I was super excited to hear from him. We chatted for a bit when Pete started flagging me over to play. We were up! I told Seattle that I really, really didn’t want to hang up so he better drunk dial me later or call me today. Off to pong…

I was on a team with Pete, and M. We were doing pretty poorly when all of a sudden we won the game! Which meant we were to compete against the next team. Oy, more drinking. The next team consisted of Pete’s two other roomies and their friend. We were in the middle of the game and Pete pulled me aside and said, “I just glanced around the room and do you realized that every guy in here has his eyes on you?” I just brushed the comment off and giggled saying it’s not true. But Pete kept just reinforcing that every guy was staring at me. Well, there were slim pickin’s there, what can I say?

Anywho, needless to say, I got drunk after my third game of pong and was planning on staying on the couch, when Pete offered me his bed. I’m stupid when I drink. So after our third and final round of pong Pete and I headed upstairs to bed. I laid down and “passed out” and he went to change into p.j’s in the bathroom. When he came back he woke me up and we started teasing and wrestling with one another and he kissed me. Ugh. So, we’ve been friends for over a year now and nothing has ever happened between us and I was quite happy with that fact. He’s my neutral guy friend!! But, his kisses were very nice and I let him and we started to fool around and he told me he really wanted to “fuck” me. Guys are awesome. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” All I could think was, “I can’t do this to Seattle!”

I mean we’re not “dating”, we haven’t defined what we are to one another, which I think is making me confused and not sure how to act anymore. Am I single? Am I in a relationship? I still really like him and am so excited to be going to Washington in 13 days, but what if I get there and things aren’t as great as they are over the phone? That’s why I don’t want to commit to him now, before the trip. And I don’t mean I want to be with other people, I just don’t want to call him my boyfriend before I know if it’s a good idea or not.

Oy, so anyway, I spent the night with Pete. We didn’t have sex, which I’m sure he was very frustrated by. I told him there was someone else in my life and that I didn’t want things to change between him and me either. I like him as my friend! I’ve never really been physically attracted to him, but he can be quite funny and a lot of fun to hang out with and now I know he’s a really good kisser.

All I could think this morning when I woke up was how I wanted to roll over and kiss him more and how I totally shouldn’t. I didn’t.

Here’s my next dilemma: Do I tell Seattle? I’m all about honesty and if we are in fact going to be in eachothers lives I feel as if I need to tell him. But on the other hand, we’re not a couple…yet, so maybe telling him would just mess things up unneccessarily. I know I’m taking one large risk putting it out here in this blog as well, since he knows he has the power to read it. He recently stopped reading it because he was feeling guilty about it. I think I almost need him to say to me, “Don’t be with other people.” And I would gladly say, “Ok, that is fine by me.”

I feel like I always freak out when the potential for something great comes into my life. I’m great at sabotaging myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What do I do?

Oh What A Night

March 8, 2009.

I’m so glad I get to start with a blank page every day. Thank goodness for that kindness the world has bestowed upon us. Let’s see…the last time I blogged I was about to go to the movies with Ray, Miguel and Lee.

Well…the movie was awful and Ray was unhappy because I didn’t meet up with him beforehand for dinner or drinks like he thought the plan was. Miscommunication totally on my part…but ugh, whatever. So I just got increasingly annoyed and frustrated with him throughout the night. He’s just too much. That’s all. Too much. I hate how up close and personal he gets. And I figured something else out too. When I’m with him I feel I can’t get a word in edgewise and then about three hours after we’re hanging out he stops, grabs my waist and right in my face with a big toothy grin asks, “So how are ya beautiful?” And then before I can give him a legit response he’s already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have to act more subdued to counterbalance his over the top energy. I don’t like it. I just wanna be myself. We ended the night with an awkward hug goodbye. No kiss. Then he text me saying, “I was gonna ask if you wanted to go grab a cake and a coffee and catch up.” I said I couldn’t, because I had an early morning the next day, which was true, it was already midnight and I needed my beauty sleep. I think this upset him also.

So on Saturday I was on set of a music video allllllll day long. It was pretty awful. Made some girlfriends who are very sweet, and barely talked to the boys. And here’s the zinger…I moved my ring. Not on purpose; I was looking at some jewelry this woman was selling on set and in order to try it on I had to take my ring off, so I just moved it back over to my right hand for safe keeping and forgot and left it there the rest of the day.

Went to Cecil’s that evening to hang out with peeps. While talking with one of my friends I went to show him the ring and had a mini panic attack because I had forgotten it was on my other hand. But then I decided to leave it. We were all going to a bar for karaoke and I was in the mood to mingle with the singles. Not a bad crowd, but God, now I remember why a)I don’t drink and b)why I don’t meet guys at bars.

The night seemed hopeful and full of potential, but here’s the cliff notes. Kissed Zack, my ex coworker who just kept complimenting me all night and it went to my head. So there was little tongue action. Found out right after that he spilled his guts to Nikki about how much he liked another girl. (I hate guys, did I mention that?) Had been chatting up this other sort of cute guy, who ended the night hanging out with a new worker from Cecil’s that brought us to that bar cuz it’s her fave. Then had been flirting with a guy named Ski who was pretty cute, and promised to sing a song just for me, then failed to even recognize me by the end of the night. (Oh, I hate guys, did I mention that yet?) Then the “bouncer” was chatting me up, and I was just being cordial in case I ever come back to that bar. Turns out he doesn’t even work there…um, men are scum. Bought a whiskey shot for a random mini man (he was shorter than me) who’d been looking at me all night and it was last call, so I thought I’d do him favor…allow him to join me in my misery. He asked that I come back sometime so he can “return the favor”. He’ll be back there in two weeks…looking for me. Doubt he’ll even remember what I look like. Told the bartender that he’s “absolutely adorable” and “I’m not just saying that cause I’m drunk, I thought you were adorable from the moment I walked in.” (I was already drunk). Text Ray and Rick (the two men I’ve dated that are above 35 yr.’s of age) at 3am because I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t worthless. I’m a fool and seriously don’t want to get that drunk again. It’s strange that wasn’t the drunkest I’ve been, it was just the first time I’ve been drunk in about a month, so I did it up royally.

Nikki and Jess slept over and we binged on shitty food, watched ‘Will and Grace’ and hated on men. I like how the night ended.

This morning I had a meeting with a director I’m hoping to work with. Oh my goodness, I’m in love. Ha, ok, not really, but it was the best non-date I’ve ever been on. It was just an interview so he could meet me in person and see if we click and if we get one another and if I’m what he’s looking for for this film he’s making. Well, we totally clicked right away and he asked me to be in not one, but two films he’s working on right now. I am so super psyched to work with him. I just think he’s great and I think the product is going to be truly fantastic, so I hope we have a long, happy, working relationship. Can’t wait! Now how come first dates can’t be that great? Ludicrous!!

More extra work tonight; might move the ring back. Later!!