What are we??

April 4, 2009.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ok, had to let that out. This is one of the worst posts I’ll have to write since…well since before I met Seattle. What is wrong with me? Yesterday I had my first day back working at Cecil’s. It went fine. Afterwards, Nikki and I went out for sushi and then were going to head over to my friend Pete’s cause he was having people over. I didn’t really feel like going, because I’ve been partying a bit much this week and I need to cool down, but I figured, if Nikki’s there we can “make an appearance” and then head home.

Nikki headed home first to change and I headed to Pete’s. The second I walked through the door, I received a text from Nikki saying she’s not coming. Ugh! So, now I was stuck. I had to hang out for a short while. I couldn’t very well just walk out the door now! I figured I’d stay for one drink then head home.

Now, my problem is, I’m an idiot. I was casually sipping my one drink and Pete signed me up for a round of Beer Pong. One game couldn’t hurt…

Seattle called me while I was waiting to play. I was super excited to hear from him. We chatted for a bit when Pete started flagging me over to play. We were up! I told Seattle that I really, really didn’t want to hang up so he better drunk dial me later or call me today. Off to pong…

I was on a team with Pete, and M. We were doing pretty poorly when all of a sudden we won the game! Which meant we were to compete against the next team. Oy, more drinking. The next team consisted of Pete’s two other roomies and their friend. We were in the middle of the game and Pete pulled me aside and said, “I just glanced around the room and do you realized that every guy in here has his eyes on you?” I just brushed the comment off and giggled saying it’s not true. But Pete kept just reinforcing that every guy was staring at me. Well, there were slim pickin’s there, what can I say?

Anywho, needless to say, I got drunk after my third game of pong and was planning on staying on the couch, when Pete offered me his bed. I’m stupid when I drink. So after our third and final round of pong Pete and I headed upstairs to bed. I laid down and “passed out” and he went to change into p.j’s in the bathroom. When he came back he woke me up and we started teasing and wrestling with one another and he kissed me. Ugh. So, we’ve been friends for over a year now and nothing has ever happened between us and I was quite happy with that fact. He’s my neutral guy friend!! But, his kisses were very nice and I let him and we started to fool around and he told me he really wanted to “fuck” me. Guys are awesome. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” All I could think was, “I can’t do this to Seattle!”

I mean we’re not “dating”, we haven’t defined what we are to one another, which I think is making me confused and not sure how to act anymore. Am I single? Am I in a relationship? I still really like him and am so excited to be going to Washington in 13 days, but what if I get there and things aren’t as great as they are over the phone? That’s why I don’t want to commit to him now, before the trip. And I don’t mean I want to be with other people, I just don’t want to call him my boyfriend before I know if it’s a good idea or not.

Oy, so anyway, I spent the night with Pete. We didn’t have sex, which I’m sure he was very frustrated by. I told him there was someone else in my life and that I didn’t want things to change between him and me either. I like him as my friend! I’ve never really been physically attracted to him, but he can be quite funny and a lot of fun to hang out with and now I know he’s a really good kisser.

All I could think this morning when I woke up was how I wanted to roll over and kiss him more and how I totally shouldn’t. I didn’t.

Here’s my next dilemma: Do I tell Seattle? I’m all about honesty and if we are in fact going to be in eachothers lives I feel as if I need to tell him. But on the other hand, we’re not a couple…yet, so maybe telling him would just mess things up unneccessarily. I know I’m taking one large risk putting it out here in this blog as well, since he knows he has the power to read it. He recently stopped reading it because he was feeling guilty about it. I think I almost need him to say to me, “Don’t be with other people.” And I would gladly say, “Ok, that is fine by me.”

I feel like I always freak out when the potential for something great comes into my life. I’m great at sabotaging myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What do I do?