Slumber Party #1

June 20, 2009.

Alright. I got off work earlier than expected last night so I shot a text to Todd, “Take out and a movie in?” Then I headed home to change quickly, grab everything I needed for today (I knew I was gonna spend the night) and headed down to Santa Monica.

Todd greeted me outside with Pug. The three of us walked to a sushi place around the corner and got take out. Then we returned to his apartment and ate delicious food and watched “Don't Mess With the Zohan”. It was nice. Afterwards we were both exhausted so we went straight to bed.

Todd was a complete gentleman and didn't even attempt to fool around. But he cuddled me close.

I could not sleep. I don't know why, I was just sort of in this state of half awareness all night long. I had to get up early, perhaps my mind was nervous about that, but I was kind of miserable. I think it may be Todd's place. I just don't feel completely comfortable there...ever. He was cute and didn't want me to get up this morning, told me that “this is why [he] loves weekends...” and that he can't wait for a morning we can both sleep in and grab breakfast together the next day.

Which, that might be tomorrow morning. I think I'm spending the night with him again tonight, either my place or his and then tomorrow we have plans to go with a big group to Hermosa and attempt to surf and spend the whole day at the beach. I'm pretty stoked about it!

Last night right when we got into bed his phone started ringing. He got up to check it and didn't answer saying that he had a “stage 5 stalker.” And he said, “I bet you have a few of those yourself.” Nope. I just have guys that fuck me and never call again.

But the funny thing was, I guess I was a little shocked that a girl was calling him. I don't know what it is, but I just can never picture him hitting on girls, giving out his number or being with anyone else. I know it makes no sense at all...I mean he hit on me, gave me his number, etc. But, it just always surprises me when I realize there are other women in his life. Not that I think he's seeing anyone but me right now, because I do believe that he is so busy that his only free time is most often spent with me on the weekends...

She (or at least I believe it was her) called twice more that evening and proceeded to text at least three times. Here is my case in point: I will never be that girl. If he's not answering or returning your calls or texts then he's probably in bed with someone else. I don't chase.

I'm getting to the point...

June 19, 2009.

Man oh man. I got up yesterday and spent the entire day on set of an infomercial. After the previous nights drinking extravaganza I was pretty exhausted. However, at 6pm when I got off set, I called Nikki and Jess, we all met up for dinner and then planned on going out again. Despite Jess' remaining hangover and my pure exhaustion.

It was just gonna be the three of us until...CRAgent text to see what I was up to. Then said he'd try to meet us out if he got all his laundry done. Then Todd text saying he really wanted to see me and misses me. Then I had to make the decision of which one to actually invite out, because obviously they both can't be there. Then Laurie text me and invited us to go to the Roosevelt for Jazz Night. Awesome. So we told him, “We're on our way!”

Then the thought...well, what if Madrid is there. So, Todd and I already have plans for this weekend, so he told me to go ahead and party like a rockstar, he'll see me Friday or Sat. Ok...then CRAgent finally decided that his laundry was too big of a task and told me to call him if I got bored later. Meaning, if I need a booty call, he's around. No thanks.

So the universe made up my decision for me. Madrid was who I was meant to spend my evening with. We got to Jazz night and Madrid was the first person we say. I hugged him noncommittally and asked, “Where's Laurie?” I knew this would get under his skin.

Then I proceeded to keep my back to him while ordering drinks at the bar and he finally took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He was frustrated. Then as we chatted a bit at the bar he traded places with me because he “couldn't see my face” the shadow was too much.

Then he disappeared for a bit. Jess, Nikki, Laurie and I danced shortly, then us girls perched ourselves near the back of the club to chat.

Eventually, Madrid found his way back to us and moved us into a larger area where all of us could sit together. I secretly made note of where Madrid decided to sit. There was a large leather couch, Jess was the first to claim a seat on it. Then I sat on the other end of it, purposely not leaving quite enough room for one more next to me. But...Madrid pushed his way onto the couch next to me.

What is the deal? I just wanted to scream at him the whole time, “Why are you such an asshole??? And why do I still think you're attractive despite your asshole-ness?”

So, I acted pretty distant the entire night, not sure he noticed. He went into one of his rants and I half listened pretending to care and fully understand what he was saying, while planning my attack. It presented itself nicely.

He told me a Chinese proverb: “The nail that sticks out is the first to get hammered.” So, he was sticking out and I was ready to hammer away! (That is so not meant in any sexual manner). So, I asked him about the previous night. He admitted to being a little upset that I text Laurie and not him. He played games with Laurie and said, “Well, you go have fun, she invited you, not me...”

Then when he showed up, he was turned off by the “douchebagery” and the techno music (it wasn't techno, it was hip hop dance, btw.) I told him that he could've turned that place into whatever he wanted.

My favorite thing about my girls is that when we go out, we have a plan in our heads: to have a great night. So if we enter a place that isn't quite what we were hoping for “atmosphere” wise, then we turn it into what we wanted. And every night with my girls is fabulous.

I told him this to show him that the world around you is what you make of it. That bar was full of douchebags to him because that's what he wanted to see.

I called him out on being jealous. I told him my honest side of the story. “I don't call guys.” I said this and then went on to explain. “I don't like hanging out with people that don't really want to be with me, there's no point. So if a guy doesn't call me, I assume he doesn't want my company. I don't chase. Especially with the type of guys that you get in LA.”

I went on to explain also that the reason I invited Laurie specifically the other night is because he's a friend and that's it. I knew that he would be fun and have a good time. That's what I wanted. A good time sans drama.

I also threw some other witty things his way that essentially challenged him to prove to me that he's not an asshole. I said to him that I don't see a point in playing games and he said, “Games are fun.”

He failed. We stayed till close, then on our way out we stopped at the bathroom. I told Jess in the bathroom all about our conversation. There were two other girls in there washing their hands. They left the bathroom, I washed my hands and then when we walked out of the restroom, there he was, Madrid, chatting up those two girls.

The bouncers were quickly throwing us out, we found Laurie and he told us he was driving us to our car (since we parked around the block). Madrid was nowhere to be found. I kept expecting him to come running after us, but nothing. So we all just left w/o him and w/o saying goodbye. What the hell.

My phone had died, which was annoying because I was dying to text him something, anything to get his blood boiling. I feel like this is now our “game”: piss eachother off. At least it's my game.

When I got home, I plugged my phone in and text him, “Hope you have fun with those girls tonight...don't get into too much more trouble.”

He responded: “Ok. But...You left me!

I replied: “No, we said we were leaving. You chose to stay.” You asshole.

Why do these types of guys keep coming into my life?? Laurie is such a genuinely nice guy and it just shocks me that he would introduce his asshole friend to me. I gave Madrid more credit before I even knew him because he's friends with Laurie. I shouldn't have done that.

Bizarre events.

My phone just rang it was that surfer from Malibu. He was calling because he's “in my neck of the woods.” Wow, he's been pretty persistent since we met about a week ago! I think I would like to go on a date with him or at least hang out with him again sometime, just to see what he's really like.

Ok, well before I went out last night I was reading comments from you, my lovely readers and one of my followers was brutally and justifiably honest. I appreciated her comment greatly and it was a needed slap in the face:


“the blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.

So why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc...”

First of all, Margarita, thank you for your tough love. I need it every once in a while. Secondly, you are absolutely right. I have strayed, horribly from my original plan.

I did feel strong and independent and confident when this year started that I would be able to complete my task for a whole year. And I failed.

I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself and I do feel that as soon as I let myself fall for Seattle, I just plain fell. Landed harshly on my face and from my past the only way I know to get over a heartbreak is to find replacements, meaningful or not. So, I basically began repeating my last year:

Major heartbreak = 10 partners in one year, none of which I could ever claim to love or even call a sig. other.

Now here's the perfect timing of your tough love. It's June. Exactly halfway through the year. I was good for three of those past months and since April I have faltered terribly. But now, I still have five more full months to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

I do think I have to revise my rules though a bit. I started at the beginning saying I wasn't looking for love, but I had said, I also wouldn't be closed off to it. The no sex policy was in place and that shall remain. I also promised to be as social as possible, because otherwise the year would be way too easy and boring with me sitting around alone at home. That would not have been a challenge. Half the challenge is being around guys, lust and emotions and seeing if I could handle it (obviously, I couldn't).

Ok, so from here on out, I will be abstaining, I promise (my heart is beating a little faster as I promise, because I'm worried I'll fail at this, but I honestly really want to succeed!). I will still be dating men, but will not be depending on them. They're there to enjoy a dinner/movie/the beach with, but that's that.

Now, Todd and I have plans this weekend to have a “slumber party”, which he already knows will not involve sex...but is the slumber party too much? Do you think I need to avoid sleepovers all together in order to regain my power and faith in myself?

I don't know. I feel like it's harmless, but maybe it's not.

So, abstaining, dating Irene. That's more of what I'll be. I will not have to whine or bitch about guys making me feel bad anymore, because I won't let them be in a position to hurt me. They will be like my childhood Nintendo, fun to play with, especially when bored, but there are other things and activities to take their place on a regular basis. And those other things are healthier for me and much more satisfying!

No Man Will Ever Love Me...

June 18, 2009.

“I feel like no man will ever love me...” That's the drunken text I just sent to Seattle at 2:51am. I don't know why I sent it to him. Perhaps because I feel like he's the closest I've gotten to love in the last year and half so he'll have an answer as to “why no man will ever love me?”

I just feel so defeated.

Went out after work with my girls. Was planning on having a fun only no man night. Jess and I decided we wanted to invite Laurie out and of course...guess who shows up with him. Madrid. Great. I was kind of upset. Gave him an awkward hug hello and continued my night, flirting with other guys at the bar.

Then Laurie said his goodbyes and gave hugs as he was leaving and I watched Madrid go out and have a smoke by Laurie's car. That's it! I decided. I ran outside like a fool and kissed him, like a fool and he pulled away, and I kissed him again, like a fool. And then I apologized. Like a fool.

I feel like no man will ever love me. Nikki went home with her band boyfriend. Jess flirted with a hot stranger all the while knowing nothing would happen due to her incredible bf in Hawaii. Lacey went home with a hot newly found friend. I went home.

Jess is spending the night, since she's drunk and neither of us could drive. I told her how I was feeling and she responded in her slurred drunken language, “It's just not for you right now. It's just not for you.”

How true. How poignent. How sad. How lonely. It's just not for me right now. Love: it's not for me at the moment. It hasn't been for me in a year and 8 months...when will it be for me?

I actually considered just calling Tony for some useless, emotionless sex tonight. I felt like it was necessary. But thank God I didn't. The 2 stupidest things I did was text Seattle and kiss Madrid. I guess life could be worse...

Back to Square One

June 16, 2009.

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight. I'm just missing that ultimate connection with someone. Thank God for my girls, or I don't think I'd have survived this year.

Was supposed to do dinner with Todd this evening, but after waiting until 9:30pm for him to text or call, I gave up. Had a Caesar salad and piece of cornbread at C's, then came home. He text me on my drive home: “Hey, I've got a beer and a taco with your name on it.”

I realized on the way home that I have not been preparing for my class which is tomorrow and really should take some time tonight to work on my scene. So, I replied to his text and told him that I am gonna pass on the taco tonight, because I've got an early morning and need my beauty sleep. He took a while to respond and I can't help but feel like it wasn't said with the nicest of feelings.

Is he possibly pissed at me?

Ugh. I hate men. One of the new girls at work today asked about Madrid. She was out with us the night I met him. I told her that he's just like all the other guys out there in L.A. and a waste of my time. I do somewhat regret the two days I spent with him. I know I shouldn't, because at the time it was great and wonderful, but what did it do for me in the long run?

He uses people. He said that to me. He was using me for a bed to sleep in those two nights so that he didn't have to sleep on a couch at Laurie's place. I'm pathetic.

I got a text from a surfer guy that I met in Malibu on Sunday. He approached me and Nikki as we were getting into my car and him and his friend exchanged numbers with us. He was cute, but my best guess is that he is 36 yrs old. Again, where have all the young guys gone? He lives in Hermosa beach and invited me and Nikki to come chill down there sometime.

The reason I was sort of happy to meet him was because we weren't meeting in a bar. Everyone always wonders, “Where else do you meet people?” Well, apparently, you hang out by a bunch of surfers and one is bound to strike up a conversation with you. So, he's one of the first guys I've exchanged numbers with in L.A. that was not in a bar. How refreshing.

He wants to hang out this Friday night. I'm not opposed to it, but do I really need to enter another man into my life right now? Not really.

The hardest thing about this year is having faith. I worry that if I shun one of these guys that maybe, just maybe he could've been great and we could've really hit it off. But then I allow myself to go too far and just end up being used. How do I trust in fate and let the universe take the steering wheel? I'm too scared to let go of it!

Ugh. I don't feel like I've progressed at all this year. It's a sucky feeling.

Irene Allison Checks into Rehab, Puts Feature Film on Hold.

June 2, 2009.

If I were a famous movie star already. I'd be checking into rehab this morning...

I had vodka. And redbull. I had vodka redbull. Which is kind of like speed in liquid form. I never drink that combo and think I probably never will again.

I didn't think I had that much, but wow. The night is a little blurry but I remember dancing, drinking, hitting on guys shamelessly, making out (I think) and then leaving the bar in tears. Correction, leaving the bar weeping. Woke up this morning confused as to how I even got into my own bed unscathed.

The tabloids would have read this morning: “America's Biggest Mess” and had a picture of me, drunk with mascara running down my face. Ha!

At least I'm laughing about it this morning.

Ok, so rewind to last night at 7:30. Todd text me and told me to go have fun and to carpool with the girls because that's half the fun! So brownie points. Then he told me I could still call him later. Well, this never works out because he always goes to bed early since he's a working man and gets up with the sunrise. However, on the way to the Viper Room, I text him and told him to make sure he stays up because I really want to see him later. He replied that he was pounding redbulls and watching youtube in order to stay awake for me. More brownie points.

The Viper was a lot of fun. The band was really good and we danced. A very handsome tall guy walked by me and I was only on my second drink (the first I had at home before we left) so I didn't think I was that drunk, but I was definitely feeling feisty. I looked him square in the eyes and said, “You're cute!”

“Thanks, so are you.” ~ Tall Dude

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Um, yeah.” and I walked back to the girls.

He passed again a little bit later and I grabbed his arm and said, “You're still cute, I didn't mean you weren't since you have a girlfriend.” and I think out of pity he proceeded to tell me that I was “beautiful”. We laughed and that was that.

Then after the Viper the guys in the band were heading down to another bar and told us to join. So we did. Oh yeah, back up. At the Viper, I had two vodka reds and hit on the bartender and left him my number. Why am I so lame when I drink? Ha, I think I told the 'tender that he had great “locks”. He had long black hair, it was rather sexy.

So on to this other bar. I must've gotten a drink. I don't remember having another one or why I had another one, but I must've. I remember striking up another conversation with yet another tall guy, I think he was from NY or something and so we had something to talk about. And then what I think happened was that I started making out with him. Don't remember if this was reciprocated or if I just pounced. Then I think I asked if he had a girlfriend and when he said “yes” I turned and walked away and then I remember weeping and having my girls around me consoling me. God, I turned into America's Most Pathetic Woman.

This is so not my style. It's like the Redbull took over my body last night and I had no control any longer. Out Demons! Out!

God what a weird night. I text Todd this morning apologizing for not calling last night and explaining that I had too much to drink and passed out when I got home. He responded:

“LOL, no prob girl! Haha. Seriously, you did call me at 1:30, I was half asleep, I couldn't hear you too well a lot of background noise and you were definitely wasted!! I like your style...reminds me of...me, ha. Get some rest!”

Oh no I didn't! Ugh. Alcohol cleanse, anyone? Now I feel like I can't ever go back to sunset. Ha! I know, I'm just being stupid. Every night there are twenty other girls that make even worse fools of themselves than I did.

I feel like I was such a brat last night. I need to get the whole story from Nikki tonight at work. If I find out anything juicier, I'll fill you in!

Foreshadowing??

June 1, 2009.

Happy June everyone! Halfway through the year! Holy Crow!

Well, I'm supposed to have dinner and a movie with Todd in an hour, but Nikki text me earlier saying that she's got us free tickets to the Viper room tonight and I'm kinda totally excited/more interested in doing that tonight.

I text Todd and told him that I forgot I had these plans with Nikki and would have to leave around “10:20ish” if he did still want to do dinner, but I didn't want “rush it”. So I lied. I feel bad about it. If we are about to start a relationship of any sort, I don't want to have lies be a part of it. No sir.

Haven't heard back from him yet, don't know if he wants to reschedule or still go ahead as planned. I'm a little nervous that he hasn't text me back yet, because I don't know what he wants! Is he upset?

Ugh. I guess it's probably not a great sign that I'd rather go out with my girls than hang out with him, but they're my girls. I'd be nowhere without them. I need them in my life more than I need a man right now. So...it's not really a tough choice. Plus, he keeps telling me that he loves that I'm so independent. Well, Miss Independent wants to go out tonight.

I'm sure he was expecting me to come over and spend the night and now that I have to leave, it changes the whole mood. I really wanna be able to do both, but we shall see. He better text me soon or I'm not gonna know whether or not to head down to his place!

Also, I just went to visit Nikki at work and Boss was there. I'm looking pretty slammin' right now, if I may say so myself (short shorts, see-through T and some hot red heels...) Boss was lookin'. Not gonna lie, I wanted him to notice. As I was leaving, he goes, “Do you have a date tonight?” And I said, “I do!” and kept walking and he goes, “Is that a yes?” and I said, “Yeah!” and as I walked out the door I heard him say, “Cause you look hot!”

Nice.

I couldn't help but laugh about it a little because, I'll be honest. I have a crush on Boss. I have since the first time I worked there (a year ago). But, I just never let it blossom or let it be known to anyone, because there was never a point. He's had the same girlfriend for as long as I've known him.

But now, I feel like we've taken our relationship to the next level of flirtatiousness where we both kind of know that we're “joking” but if the other wanted to be serious, we'd totally be ok with that.

And I just think it's funny how I can see a “Boss” chapter happening in my life eventually. Who knows when. Now is definitely not the time, but somewhere down the line. It's almost as if my life has foreshadowing in it. Bizarre...

P.S. Thanks for all your comments on my previous blogs. I really do like to know your thoughts on my stories. It's fun to see the responses and even the tough love! Keep 'em comin'!

So Little Time...

May 30, 2009.

3:44am.

I'm writing at this ridiculously odd hour because 1)I just got home an hour ago and have just finished checking email/getting ready for bed and 2)I probably won't get a chance to write tomorrow. I'm a busy busy girl, remember?

So quick update. My improv show was last night and Todd showed up, like promised with three of his friends. They were fun to have in the audience, but I'm not gonna lie. I was so nervous about performing in front of them. Gave Todd a hug hello and a hug goodbye. I didn't hang out with him after the show because it was Brad's last show with us and he was having a little 'going away' party. Todd text me after he left and said that he really enjoyed the show and that I should text him when I'm on my way home so I can maybe come by.

Well, I didn't start heading home until 2:30am and I was way down in Arcadia and it would've been 3am before I even got to Todd's in Santa Monica. I am really anxious to hang out with him though. There's still so much we need to discuss! So we now have plans for tomorrow evening...dinner. I work, til about 8pm, I believe, unless we get crazy busy at the restaurant. Todd wants to go eat at the Greek restaurant across the street from where I live.

I'm secretly hoping it goes real well and we end up going to a movie or out for drinks and then somehow end up in a situation where we can cuddle. I'm dying to cuddle! Todd calls it “cuzzling”, which, to be honest, I really don't find cute. It's kind of like when the infamous ex used to say, “I have to take a poopaloops!” I always wanted to yell and say, “You're not five! Use real words!”

Hmm...probably a sign that Todd's not quite right for me, but for right now, I just really want to cuddle.

Nikki text me this morning asking if Todd ended up coming over and I told her no...of course not. She text me back: “He's not the right one for you. You are so fucking amazing, and my first (and only) impression of him is that he is mediocre. You deserve someone as amazing as you...that person will come along when its right. We have to keep the faith, and in the meantime, fuck guys! We have enough fun!”

She's absolutely right and I appreciate so much that she said that too me. I'm lucky to have girls in my life that remind me not to settle because of loneliness, but hold out for someone incredible.

I guess I just keep hoping that I've already met that someone incredible.

Been thinking about CRAgent lately. Haven't heard from him at all. Not surprised, but I was hoping a text or two. I keep wanting to text him, but I always feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing...I need to be chased. I know, that sounds so bad, but it's just how I feel. If a guy doesn't put out an effort, I'm not about to beg for his attention.

Alright, busy day ahead of me and I'll be running on about 5 hrs sleep...that is if I don't exercise. Oy, sleep or exercise...it's a tough decision!!

"I'm not single, I'm busy!"

May 25, 2009.

Man man man oh man am I busy these days! I love it though. In a recent interview with Renee Zellweiger she was quoted, when asked about her single life, as saying, “I'm not single, I'm busy!” That is my motto this year. I'm finally living up to it. I realized tonight that I don't even think about guys when I'm this busy.

I'm so thankful that this weekend turned out to be cruelly busy because I didn't get sad about Seattle not being here. And, I made money and had a great time at work and at rehearsals! So, yay for me!

Anywho, nothing much to report on the man front today. Worked from noon to 7pm with no break. My boss came in around 4:30pm and I was a little nervous to see him because I haven't since those crazy texts. I think he was a little nervous to see me too. He wasn't as jokey as he usually is with me and was taking me more serious than usual...hmmm. But, in a good way, not like a “cold shoulder” kind of way.

Then we started joking around about my engagement ring and he put his arm around me and told me he'd take me anywhere on our honeymoon...as long as there was a bed.

Nikki walked by right as we were joking about being engaged and she rolled her eyes and laughed, saying, “Oh lord! I can't handle this!” It is weird...if it is true that he does have a crush on me. It is a little weird.

Received a text from Seattle around 3am last night: “I was up too late and read ur blog b4 going to sleep and am some what upset. I thought we had a good talk today but I now feel like u thought I was deceiving you all along. Not the case. I can't change how u feel though. I really need to stop thinking about u. Good nite.”

I didn't notice it until this morning and I responded: “I'm pretty pathetic myself. Every time I get a text I secretly hope its from you. I don't think you were deceiving me all along. Thats why I told you on the phone I didn't want to think that way. I don't want to write this all in text but I guess there is still lots to say. I do feel like Becks has been deceiving you all along but that's just me. I'm not there to see for real...” I told him to give me a call this week when he gets a chance. He hasn't responded to the text, so I'm wondering if he even received it.

Oy. I'm feeling better about the situation and it seems like he's feeling worse. Will we always be at opposite ends about this from now on?

Just to clear up any confusion for Seattle or you, my lovely readers. I do not feel like Seattle was deceiving me the whole time. What a waste of time and money that would've been for him if he didn't really care all that much about me. I feel like what we had was real and meaningful and wonderful and intense. I feel like I wanted it more at the moment, since I'm not recently divorced and have been dying to find someone I connect with. But he was not ready for something meaningful and intense. I get it. I don't hold it against him. I still care for him. I hope he finds what he's looking for. I'm disappointed that I can't be a part of his life like I wish I could, but it's for the best.

I need someone here. I shouldn't settle for a long distance. Been there, done that too many times.

And to expand on the Becks thing; I do feel like she's been deceiving him all along.

Here's a little back story. They've been friends for awhile (not sure how long exactly). He started having strong emotions for her towards the end of his marriage. He felt like he was “emotionally cheating” and knew this was bad. So he ended things with his wife before any real cheating took place. Totally respectable. Then he hooked up with Becks once divorced. The catch to it is, that Becks was and still is engaged. She's a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Seattle felt really guilty about this and said it made him feel immoral and unhealthy. So he ended the physical relationship, but tried to maintain a friendship. Then he met me.

As friends, Becks would share tales about her and her fiancée and how great things were going between them and Seattle would listen patiently and happily that they worked things out (she told her fiancée everything). But when Seattle started telling Becks about me, she threw a hissy fit, said terrible things to him and made him feel like shit. She wasn't happy for him at all. This was even before we were “official”.

He stopped talking to her for a short while because she made him feel so bad and that's not how friends are supposed to act. Then fast forward to the end of our relationship, Becks shows up again, he wants to try to be friends with her again, God knows why, and we break up. He rekindles the friendship, vowing to be nothing more than just friends, because he doesn't want to feel awful like he did the last time and only about two weeks later he's lying in bed with her.

Becks does not want to see Seattle with anyone else, let alone happy with anyone else. Let's see...she was present and a very valid point in his divorce. And, she was present and a very valid point in our break-up.

Seattle told me on the phone the other night that it just felt “healthy” when he and I were together. I agree. It was natural, and nonjudgmental, and sweet, and honest and caring. He feels unhealthy with Becks. Understandably so. Then my question is: Why can't he rid his life of such an unhealthy, manipulative, evil “friend”?

I mean, I have to say this kindly because I've been there...as I'm sure we all have. I mean, need I remind you of my days with Tony, who admits to being “a horrible person” and yet it took me over a year to believe he really was never going to change?

Seattle, Becks is not going to change. She's always going to push you down, make you feel bad about yourself, punch you in the face while you're down there, then pick you back up, hold you in her arms and make you apologize, because she has successfully led you to believe that you were in fact wrong and deserving of the beating you got.

I hope you learn this sooner than later. I'd hate to see her run off some other wonderful woman that comes into your life.

Ugh. How is it possible that some people just are so awful? Where's the respect for human kind? Don't we all struggle enough already with life? We should be there to help others, not constantly bring them down.

Alright, enough of that yucky saga. On to tomorrow, one of my less busy days this week!

Playing field levelled...

May 24, 2009.

Ahh! It's the first time I've missed a day of blogging all month. I have a good excuse though. I was out of my house from 8am yesterday morning until 11am this morning. My schedule is crazy busy this weekend (thank God!it distracts me from Seattle's nonexistent visit).

Wow. So much can happen in a day though! So, my boss started texting me on friday night. He was supposed to come out with us, then plans changed, I stayed in and I thought he went to a bar with Nikki. So after like a half hour of texts I was confused, “Aren't you with Nikki?” He apparently didn't go to the bar at all and had stayed home also. So now, the funny playful text messages I had presumed were for the entertainment of him and Nikki, took on a whole different meaning. He was texting some racey sh*t...

I wasn't really in a playful mood, I had been thinking about Seattle and being sad, so I wasn't really making an effort to keep this fl-exting (flirting through text) thing going. I gave up and decided I should go to bed. Said goodnight. This is what he text me:

“Good night, sweet dreams, I mean that. I love that you work there and that I get to work with you. Erica [his girlfriend] always says, “You always talk so highly about Irene it's like you have a crush on her.” Maybe I do...haha, no it's just sexual...haha. Good night!”

I didn't respond. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll?? That's what I was thinking. I'm so confused by him.

Haven't seen him since friday, so not really sure what's going on there.

Last night, me and the girls had decided to go out dancing. We found this place in NoHo called 'Skinny's'. So we ventured out. I had received a text from CRAgent telling me to give him a call after we're done dancing. He told me he was house sitting and there was a jacuzzi. Needless to say I brought my bikini to the bar.

We danced our butts off at this place. It was a lot of fun. There were quite a few guys there but not too many that I'd actually want to get with. When we were done, I text CRAgent and asked if he was still up. He told me to come over. Turns out the place he was house sitting was right down the street from Nikki's, which is where we were. She drove me over there.

He is cute. Cuter than I remembered. He invited me in and I met his older bro. They were playing pool in this amazingly huge beautiful home that belongs to his sister. I was drooling over this place. It was a complete dream home.

Well, I think he was anxious to hang out with me, because his bro wanted to play another round of pool and he really didn't want to. I made him. I never want to get in between someone and their family or friends. I'm not that kind of girl. So I watched as they battled it out...CRAgent kicked some ass. Then he gave me a tour of the house, I met the dog, Charlie and the tour conveniently ended in the master bedroom, where we ended up in bed, making out and fooling around.

Unfortunately, Aunt flo is in town this weekend, and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while bleeding. Especially in someone else's big white fluffy bed. Hell no! So, there was no sex, but (to the tune of 'Found a peanut'):
“I touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, not too small, touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, that is all...”

How old am I again? Ha, so I guess my goal to not touch a penis for awhile is shot out the window. I'm not gonna lie. He's got an awfully nice one. It's not too small, not too big, it's just right. And I enjoy touching it.

The verdict on CRAgent is this: he seems like a really great guy. He seems sweet. He seems mature. I don't know if there's a lot of passion there. I don't know what his likes/dislikes are. I don't know much more than his first name and how to make him orgasm. Not sure where this one is heading, but I'm interested in finding out.

He drove me home at 11 this morning so I could get ready for work. We kissed goodbye in the car, it was sweet.

When I got home, saw that I had missed a text last night from Seattle: “I'm broken. I totally fucked up. And I read the blog. Don't know why I am wanting to talk to you because I know it would hurt both of us. But I still want to.”

I was feeling very zen this morning, so I figured it couldn't hurt to have a quick convo before work. I refused to let it end in tears and decided I really wanted to have a nice conversation with him for a change.

Well...I'm proud of myself. He told me within the first five minutes of the convo that he slept with 'Becks', just like I predicted. Girls know these things...we can sense it even from two states away. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't hang up, I just listened. And it made me feel so much better.

This totally evens out the playing field (maybe even makes him in a worse position because I was the one hurting and upset and looking for a distraction when I slept with CRA, but he just always had feeling for Becks and wouldn't admit it.) Gross, but now I can peacefully move on.

I told him this news actually made me happy and he said, “Now you can just tell yourself that the whole time we were together I wanted Becks the whole time. That'll make it easier.”

“No it won't, why would I do that? Is that the truth?” I was appalled at this statement.

“No, I just thought that makes it easier for you to move on.”

Um, no Seattle, that would make me feel worse. That would make me feel like I meant nothing at all to you and you were just using me for the time being since Becks in engaged (didn't know that did you!) and you can't “see [yourself] having a long relationship with her”.

I need to find a picture of this B*tch and make sure I'm more attractive.

We had a good conversation and I'm happy that we did. Of course I'm still a little bitter and not entirely happy with the situation, but things are looking up. He told me he went out to the bar last night and got a number from some strange chick that was playing games with him. A girl that he had gone to the bar with told him after, “Seattle, you can do so much better.”

I said, “Yeah, you had better.”

And he goes, “I know.” I just had to throw that at him. I guess I do want him to hurt. Maybe just a little.

Ugh. Life. Todd's back this week. Hoping to see CRAgent again this week. I'm free to do what I want!

Off to improv!

Love Thyself...

May 22, 2009.

Would've been picking Seattle up from the airport right now if we hadn't changed our situation. Wow...a lot can happen in two weeks, can't it? Not gonna lie. Would much rather be driving to the airport right now than the potential plans I have.

Sadness. I've been avoiding texting him all night. After our conversation yesterday I just know I can't be friends with him. It just makes me too sad. It's not his fault, it's mine. Plus, he told me that me sleeping with someone else really helps him move on. Understandably, but it still hurts.

I just feel like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve love. My friend Nikki has one guy after another ready to commit lifelong. I can't even find one. She's not even done with her previous relationship yet and already has a guy asking for her heart. It's just not fair.

My boss and coworker Mike were “flirting” with me all night. I wore a bit of a “cleavagy” dress to work and they were commenting all night, like usual. I was getting frustrated by it because I just feel so unwanted out here. I stopped my boss at one moment and said (jokingly, but really seriously), “How come I have you guys all in a tizzy, but no one ever asks me out?”

Seriously...how come no one ever asks me out? Besides creepsters that is.

CRAgent text me today. Most stupid and random text convo in the history of convo's, I'm not even going to put in what was said, because it was the most pointless back and forth of my life and it would be a waste of time to repeat it. After his last text I just didn't respond. What's the point? I don't really care to see him ever again.

I told Mike tonight at work (again jokingly, but really seriously) that I've decided to not touch a penis for the rest of the year. After I said it though, it got me to thinking...that's kind of an interesting challenge. I might just see how long I can actually do that. And I'm talking, flesh to flesh, not accidentally brushing by someone at work or something. The tally begins...

So, I've really got to start focusing on me. Becoming someone I really love so that in turn someone could love me. That's my new goal. Love myself.

Things I love about me:

-How much I exercise
-My eyes
-That I'm kinda funny...sometimes, when I wanna be
-That I can act, and dance funny and sort of sing
-That I'm a decent writer

Ok, so I gotta work on not being so humble also, because it kind of defeats the purpose of being proud. I hate to say things like, I'm a kickass actress. Cause then I feel too egotistical.

Alright...going over to my neighbor/coworkers for some drinks...my boss is gonna be there. Not gonna lie, he's pretty darn cute when he wants to be, but he is a cheater cheater and with a girl he's been dating forever, that has to know he's a no good scoundrel. I won't touch his penis! I promise!


*so it turns out I'm spending the night in...how depressing.

Does Everyone Deserve a 2nd (or third or fourth) Chance?

May 21, 2009.

Wow. May is nearing an end. Where does the time go? Went out with the girls after work last night. We're trying to make a weekly venture to a new restaurant/bar/place that we've never been before so we can discover new things and potentially new people. It's fun.

Last night we chose a place in Toluca Lake called 'Timmy Nolans'. It was a pretty cute irish pub. Kind of dead though and lacking excitement, but we still managed to have fun.

Todd told me he was going to meet me out there for a beer before heading home to pack for his trip. Ok. So about an hour later I text to see if he was actually coming and he said, “Scared to drink and drive, when are you coming back to the oaks?”

I told him I'd probably be out until close, half assuming that would deter a hang out because his flight was at 8am this morning and I figured 2am would be too late for him to hang. But he said that was fine and I should text him when I'm headed back so he can meet up with me.

On the way back, I was two beers in and extremely exhausted, but I text him. No response. Lacey dropped me off home, I got ready for bed and climbed under the covers. 30 min later I get a text from him, “I love McCabes!!” That's his favorite bar in Santa Monica. Um...ok random text. Not sure what to do with that one. So I went with, “Have a good trip.”

Then he replied claiming he hadn't seen my text and asking if I was up for a movie and late night chat?

No. I absolutely am not. I told him I couldn't drive. He said, “I'll come to you.” Really? Will you really?

At this point I was so over trying to hang out with him, so tired and my room looked like a tornado had hit fifteen years ago and dust and dirt has been compiling on top of the rubble since. I was in no mood to quickly clean my room for a guy. So I said, “Don't you have to pack?”

He said, “Pack smack, I'm a guy, I'll just throw clothes into my bag.” Ok...so one more try at deterring him, “And you're ok to drive?”

“Yes, I am. I don't want to impose though...well, I do.” I guess he genuinely wants to hang out. I can't figure out why.

So, that's when I fell asleep. I didn't respond to that one...not sure if I even heard my phone beep when I received it. I was so tired.

This morning I woke up and saw that I had one more text from him, “I just finished getting gas, maybe it's not the best idea. When I get back, dinner date, out in Santa Monica or the oaks?”

Oops...he probably thinks I was ignoring him, but really I was just already deep asleep dreaming about my jealousy and insecurity issues.

I don't know, maybe I need to give Todd another chance. I just can't get a stable read on him. Should I do dinner when he comes back? Opinions??

That "Mature Essence"

May 19, 2009. Update.

Still traveling...sitting in Chicago now, waiting for my final flight. I'm just wondering, what is the deal with older guys and me?? In the matter of 3 hours that I've been here waiting for my flight, I've had two older gentlemen strike up conversations with me. Now, I know, I know, just because they're chatting with me doesn't mean they're thinking sexual thoughts. But...it probably does. One even offered to buy me a drink while we waited for the plane. I actually said no!!! Well, I said, “Oh thanks, but I think I'm gonna go take a nap or something...” But that counts as a no, right? I'm proud of myself for not just saying, “Sure!” and then spending the next hour awkwardly chatting with this fifty something guy...

Text Lacey about this situation I'm in and told her I NEED to start meeting guys my age. She responded and said, “Well, what if when you're older it turns around and all the youngin's want ya?” Now there's a thought...I like it!

Why do you think older men hit on younger girls? Do you think they believe they actually have a real chance? Are younger girls too nice? How do you chat with someone and show them you don't want anything more than a nice conversation?

On top of this all, I am wearing my “engagement ring” on my left hand. No one's commented or noticed...

Wallowing Away...

May 18, 2009.

Not in the greatest of moods today. Ignored most everyone that called to hang out. I know, I was being selfish and wallowing in self pity.

Basically, the other day when I got my biopsy results the doctor recommended surgery. Not only does the idea of surgery scare the hell out of me, but I can't afford it and am completely uninsured (being an actress and all). Thirdly, the thought of having incisions made in my cervix makes the thought of sex disgusting. I fear that after the procedure is done, I'll be out of work for at least a week, incredibly sore, hating life and having no one around to hug me and bring me books to read or movies to watch or to tell me I'm still sexy or give me kisses each night.

It never really hits you how lonely you are until you really need someone in your life that understands how scared you are. My girlfriends are absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. My best friend from Boston even told me that if/when I get this done she would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Well, anyway, the reason this was in the forefront of my mind today in particular is because my mom was researching health insurance for me today. As of three days ago, we hadn't even thought about surgery really being a possibility. We thought the doctor I went to might be a little knife happy and I told him I wanted a second opinion. I have yet to get a second opinion, but my aunt's a nurse and she told my mom I should just “do it.” Easier said than done Auntie.

Ugh. I just want to call and cry to someone about this right now and there's no one.

Today was Seattle's first day at his summer internship. I really wanted to shoot him a text or call him to see how it was going/went. But I refrained. I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now.

My H.S. Sweetheart text me around 8pm, Eastern time and I didn't respond until 11pm. I was just feeling mopey. It's a shame too, because I have no idea the next time I'll be home again or the next time I'll get a chance to see him. And just because I'm stubborn, I blew this opportunity to reconnect.

I also ran into a blast from the past today. Russ, one of my best friends in H.S. I have not seen him in years and every time I've come home in the past year or so, I just get the same old story from people telling me that “he's not doing so well”. But, I can never get a hold of him or reach him, so I just wait for news each time I come home.

Well, there he stood, flesh and blood in front of me and I gave him the most meaningful hug I've given anyone in the past year, I think. Apparently, he's moving to Japan. In a month. That may have been the last time I see him.

Huh. This has been the strangest trip home I've ever had, I think. I've run into more people from my past then I usually do on a normal Holiday. I wonder why that is. Now I'm feeling really guilty that I didn't spend time with HS sweetheart.

I'm ready to go back to LA tomorrow. I love my friends and family back home, but things seem...well, they seem a little less complicated and more real; I think I need my drama and distractions.

Tossing and Turning

May 14, 2009

I could not sleep last night. Got back from the bar around 1am and couldn't help but shoot a text to Seattle. I knew he was out with friends celebrating his last final exam being over and his second year of law school being finished:
“Hope you're having a great night. Missing you like crazy...hate this! On my way home, got an early morning, blah. Night.”

He text me back, “Me too, nite nite.” I was saddened by his response, because I expected a little bit more from him, even perhaps a drunk dial. I came home and saw that he had checked my blog. I figured that he was a little upset about me having set up a date with Todd.

My assumption was correct. I tossed and turned until 3:30, then woke up and noticed that I missed a text message from him:
“On my way home, wanting to drunk dial you but I know you have to get up early. I read the damn blog again and am extremely jealous, but I hope you have a fun date.”

Ugh. So, I responded: “Argh! Just got your text and so frustrated! I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning all night. All I wanted was a drunk dial from you, but figured those weren't kosher these days. Thought you were mad about my blog too.”

So he called. We chatted and I was happy to hear his voice. We talked for an hour and I learned that he thinks he's “broken” or “messed up” because of this situation. I still don't think he's convinced that he's not. I kept telling him it's completely normal for him to need time and space. There's nothing wrong or “messed up” about that. He really is wonderful.

Today I had a doctors appt to find out the results of my biopsy (yikes). He asked that I call and let him know how it went afterwards. We talked while he was on his way up to Vancouver to spend the day with his mom. He asked about my date tonight. But, he asked like a mature, caring friend, not a jealous ex-boyfriend. I know it's hard for him to think about it, but he's trying to be so good and wish me well.

He told me that he just hates the idea of me 'settling' and knows that there is a great guy out there for me. “You'll find him someday...” I said, “I already found him...”

Oy vay...anywho, I totally had my money on Todd flaking tonight. But, he called me while I was driving this morning to set up plans. He sounded excited. It was cute. We're meeting up later than I expected at 9:40ish and we're gonna get chinese takeout and watch a movie at his place. He called to see what movie I wanted to watch. Comedy! I need comedy!

He told me he wants to get at least 3 choices for me and he knows the perfect place to get food from. I'm happy to get to spend some time with him. I hope we're able to actually talk a little bit. I wanna crack his brain. It does make me feel a little weird though, because of course I still want Seattle and Todd is just sort of a distraction right now.

I hope he's not expecting me to sleep over. That is not my plan this evening. We shall see how the evening goes...wish me luck!


In other news I recieved an award from one of my wonderful followers, however, I'm not sure how to attach links to other blogs which I'm supposed to nominate...a little help? As soon as I figure it out, I will write down my nominees! Thanks Ali!

Lump in my throat

May 13, 2009

Oy. So Seattle read my 4:30 in the morning, overreacting, jumping to conclusions blog. It made him upset. He wrote me a long email and explained that he has no intention of getting together with 'Becks' or any other girl for that matter. I'm gonna give you a tid bit from the email, but not all of it, because it's just for me:

“Just know that I have never lied to you, and I have tried to explain myself as best as I can. I care about you more than I have probably expressed and I am so very sorry for ever hurting you and making you feel how I have. I know you mentioned early on that you were worried about me being ready for a relationship and I guess you were right. I was (am) just so infatuated with you that I wanted to be ready for a relationship.

I want to continue to take it one day at a time and see what happens between us, but I understand if you feel differently. Just please know that I had no intention of trying to get with you by saying or acting in some manner to deceive you. As much as I enjoyed being with you, I would take it back if I could, because I feel like you are upset that we did.

I have a sad feeling in my stomach that you are going to use this as a reason to move on and be with other people, and I understand that. Just know that you are an amazing person, and if I can’t be the one to be with you, some very lucky guy will eventually find you.”

I text him before going to work because I had 20min and I didn't want to have to wait until 11pm last night talk about things. He responded, “Sorry, now's not a good time. *sad face”. I knew this meant he was with Becks. I was pissed. I felt like he was choosing her over me. So I didn't text anything back until after he confirmed he had been with Becks and then I responded, “I figured. I'm at work. I'll call you tomorrow.” Because I just didn't think I could handle talking to him later.

But when I got home and read the email and knew that he had read my blog and saw that he had tried to gmail chat me and skype me...etc. I figured I owed it to him to talk. I care about him. I don't like to think I'm causing him pain.

We cried a lot. He admitted to me that it freaks him out how much he cares for me. He feels as though he's “falling in love with me.” Ditto. He just feels as if he's not ready for those emotions and not ready for the pain that comes along with those emotions when things don't work out.

I guess it's better to end it sooner than later...right? Well, we talked it all out and actually ended the conversation on a high note with a little sprinkling of laughter. We decided he shouldn't come visit anymore, it's just gonna be too hard. I already booked myself for tons of work/rehearsals that weekend, so I'll be busy and distracted (thank God).

It just hurts mainly because it's so good with him and the two main reason for not being together, really suck. 1)the distance 2)he's not ready to be in love again.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be loved and I'm ready to be in love. I miss it. It stinks that I found someone I believe that to be possible with and yet I can't have him. Totally blows. Ugh.

Well, on to distractions! I have a dinner date set up for tomorrow night with Todd. I wish I could be more excited about it, but really I'm gonna be sitting there the entire time wishing it were Seattle. I mean, I'm sure I'll have a pleasant time. But maybe it'll be the end for me and Todd. I'll realize he's just totally not right for me.

I told Seattle on the phone last night, “Take as much time as you need. Be single, enjoy yourself. But remain infatuated with me. I'm going to date, I'm going to be with other people. But as soon as you're ready...come and sweep me off my feet. Even if I'm with someone else, sweep me off my feet.”

I meant every word of that.

A little Catch-up

May 10, 2009

Alright. Time to play a little game of “catch-up”.

Friday Night (May 8th): Went out to Rocco's, this new bar we're trying out, with Nikki and her boy, Lacey, and Zack. We put it in our minds that we were gonna rock any bar we went to that night. So, this we did! Rocco's is a nice Italian looking bar/restaurant that we turned into a straight up club! We started dancing and grooving with no rhythm and bad moves (like white girls do) and were having so much fun, other people couldn't resist but to join in. At one point we had at least 1/3 of the bar dancing with us. It was such a feeling of bliss. My favorite thing about it, was that we brought happiness, enjoyment and freedom to the people (especially the girls) in that bar. We totally made their night. There was no cattiness, no jealousy, no fights, no hate. Just a whole bunch of strangers dancing as they pleased, smiling and laughing the whole time. What have you done lately to bring a smile to a strangers face? (Let's all challenge ourselves to do something to make one other person happy each day.) Anywho, this is why I love my girls. I had such a blast that night, and didn't need to even think about boys, because we were just so involved in having fun. Not trying to impress anyone. Not trying to hook up with anyone. Not trying to be something we're not.

Saturday (May9th): Locked myself out of my house on my way to work. Realized I had locked my car keys and house keys in my apt. Great. Lil' bro spent the night elsewhere, so I had no option but to say, “Fuck it”. Called Lacey, told her my dilemma and even though I was supposed to drive us to the Pier to work at the BBQ Festival that morning, she came and picked me up and we headed down. Ugh. But the festival was a blast!! There were four other people from the other location of C's that were working with us. Two guys were Marines and so much fun to work with! I made it a game for everyone. I said we should make as much (fun) noise as possible, because people notice noise and want to be a part of it, therefore we'd sell more. So every time someone came up to order we would shout out the order real loud and in unison, just for fun. “All Beef.” “ALL BEEF”. It really made the day lots of fun and it flew by.

Venezuelan John stopped by! He was cruising the fest with his friend and he found me! He's so adorable. We chatted for a bit and I hooked 'em up with some beers (shhh!), then we exchanged numbers before they left so that he can let me, Jess and Nikki know if he's doing anything for his b-day. He's only been here for 6mo's, so he's still in that searching for friends phase.

One of the other C's girls and I walked around the fest a bit later to do an “exchange” and get some free food. We approached this one tent and they were quite excited about swapping. One of the chefs who was young and very attractive was talking to us while the others were preparing some food. I gave him a beer that I had brought over as part of the exchange as well. He was very happy with this and asked if he could, “return the favor later?” Then wanted to know what we were doing after work and informed us that he would be down the street at a local pub drinkin' a bit more. Hmmm.

Ended my night at C's with my two managers. Yesterday felt weird with me and Rye, the manager I worked with all day. He hugs me a lot. A lot...and for awhile. Not just quick hugs. And I know he hugs a lot of other people, but I feel like yesterday, it was mainly me. He's married and knows that everyone knows this. But it does not stop him from drooling at other girls that walk by or flirting with customers. It's kind of gross. But most of the men at my restaurant are, so I just brush it off. But last night he wanted me to go get a beer with him back at the restaurant, so I agreed. But, then he suggested we go bar hopping. I told him if he wanted to go when Nikki was off work, sure, but I was going to wait for her. Something just felt a bit odd. I feel like if I had gone out with him, he would've tried to get me to kiss him or something last night. Which is the last thing I'd ever do/want to do. It was strange, but now I know, at least for a while, I don't want to be alone with Rye.

Last night, Nikki and I went to Off Kilt for a drink. We ran into quite a few familiar faces and had a good time. I couldn't help but feel though, as I often do, like a third wheel. At no fault of Nikki's, it's just when we run into someone that likes her, that guy often has blinders on and only sees/talks/listens to Nikki. Last night even, guy in question, went to the bar and bought Nikki a beer, even though she wasn't even halfway through her current one and said she didn't want another. When he came back to our table, he placed it down in front of her and then as if the lights had been turned on, he looks at me with this, “Oh yeah” look on his face and goes, “You good? You want something?”.

No thanks. I don't want a pity beer. I'm better than that.

Walked home and hung out with Lil bro and his friend for a short while then headed to bed. Woke up about an hour later to Seattle's phone call. He had gone out drinking last night with friends and I told him I was expecting a drunk dial. I was happy to wake up to his voice. He told me about his night with the boys at the bar and bowling and all this funness. Then he mentioned these three girls that had approached them at the bar and then gone back to his place with him and his buddies to have a few more beers. He reassured me that they were unattractive and uninteresting. I didn't care. This upset me and I became really quiet. I just didn't like the thought of these girls being at his place. All I could picture was him on his bed with another girl. He lives in a studio and doesn't have a couch, so his bed is really the main place to sit. Yuck. So, I just kept having these really uncomfortable thoughts about this.

Earlier at Off Kilt Nikki had asked me if it bothered me that Seattle was out with his buddies at bars and whatever. I answered honestly, “Not at all. I trust him. He's not the cheating type.” I believe that. I know that. I just got really jealous about these other women being in his place. I hate jealousy. If I could invent something that would zap that word/emotion out of the universe I would do it in a heartbeat.

I acted immature and told Seattle I was really tired, so we hung up. Well, the jealousy/uneasiness was eating me alive from inside out. My stomach felt like it was burning and it spread throughout my entire body, into my limbs and into my fingertips. It consumed me and I knew I couldn't go to sleep feeling like that.

So, I text Seattle and asked if we could talk some more. I explained how I was feeling and told him I was more upset at how it made me feel than what actually happened. I have no right to tell him he can't have people over at his place. He did nothing wrong. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he wanted these people there. In my world, I rarely want to hang out with boys at my place because it just makes me sad and want to be talking/lying around with Seattle. But in his world he's inviting these girls back to his place. I just didn't get it.

He listened and accepted how I was feeling. He's wonderful. We talked it all out. He admitted that he did think the situation was a bit strange and that him and his buddy had already joked about it because these girls were so unattractive and so uninteresting. But I still couldn't help but to think, “Well, what if next time they're beautiful and ever so interesting? What then?”

I don't know. It just bothered me. I get to see him 12 days though! That's nothing! I can't wait. I really need some face time with that boy.

Man, ok this blog I think has set my record for longest ramble. I hate missing multiple days!! So much happens!

Oh yeah, more on the retrograde. It says something about people from your past or unresolved issues arising around this time. Todd keeps trying to get in touch with me and hang out. Ugh. It stinks because I would totally love to be friends with him and be able to just hang out, however, we've never been just friends. So, is it possible? I don't know. But, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, so the next time I see him, if I see him, I guess I'll just have to be completely honest about my situation and what I do and don't want from him.

On to another week full of adventure!!

I need to Shower

May 6, 2009.

Day 2 of lying in bed/lounging around the house. Still a little sore, but definitely bearable. Talked to my cuz this morning who updated me on her relationship. Things are going well with them. They’re taking a roadtrip from Connecticut (where they go to school) all the way down to Atlanta, Georgia for a wedding in a couple of weekends. Makes me wish Seattle were here to take roadtrips with. How fun would that be?!

After we hung up, of course I had Seattle on the brain, so I text him, “I miss you!!!”

He responded: “Moi Aussi! Just woke up and wondering y u aren’t laying beside me…”

I wonder that every day, Seattle. I do.

Then we did a little flirtatious back and forth that I’m sure frustrated us both because we still have to wait until the 22nd (16 days) to fulfill those thoughts.

I’m determined to make my next trip back up to Washington sooner than a month after the 22nd. I don’t like this once a month thing. I need to see that boy more often. I do!

Ok, so Seattle always tells me that he worries that since he reads my blogs I withhold information, like what I dislike about him or what I’m really feeling about other things. I beg to differ. I’m still very open and honest (I admitted to googling his ex-wife, didn’t I?) But, I’ll try to think of something I don’t like about Seattle or our relationship and post it when it comes to me. This might take awhile…

*Caution* Curveball ahead

April 11, 2009.

So, I get a text from a number I don’t have saved: “Bye *smiley face*”. I had a feeling I knew who it was but wasn’t totally sure, so I responded, “I don’t have this number saved, who is this?” And about five minutes later I get: “You waved goodbye, so I said, ‘bye’”.

Ok, so it was Lenny, the bankteller at my bank that I always end up getting. We’ve always chatted and exchanged flirtatious smiles here and there, but it’s never progressed. Today, while I was depositing my checks he nonchalantly asked my plans for tomorrow and I told him that I’m just doing dinner with friends since my family is all back in NY and he threw in, “No dinner plans with the boyfriends family?” and I smiled and said, “No, no boyfriend. I’m a busy woman.” Ha, I knew what he was doing…so ridiculous. Right after, I kicked myself and thought, “Damn! I should’ve said, no because my boyfriend lives in Seattle.” Too late.

Now, Lenny has my number. Which I’m not sure whether to flattered? Worried? Creeped out? I mean he got it from my profile in the banks database, which I’m sure is totally illegal to use unless its for business related purposes. But, I don’t know, it makes me smile. He’s real sweet and I’m not gonna lie, I used to wish he’d work up the nerve to ask me to dinner or something. But, now I’ve got Seattle in my life and I just don’t know what to do about that.

Oh life. Always throwing curveballs…gotta love it. Off to another crazy night at work!

What are we??

April 4, 2009.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Ok, had to let that out. This is one of the worst posts I’ll have to write since…well since before I met Seattle. What is wrong with me? Yesterday I had my first day back working at Cecil’s. It went fine. Afterwards, Nikki and I went out for sushi and then were going to head over to my friend Pete’s cause he was having people over. I didn’t really feel like going, because I’ve been partying a bit much this week and I need to cool down, but I figured, if Nikki’s there we can “make an appearance” and then head home.

Nikki headed home first to change and I headed to Pete’s. The second I walked through the door, I received a text from Nikki saying she’s not coming. Ugh! So, now I was stuck. I had to hang out for a short while. I couldn’t very well just walk out the door now! I figured I’d stay for one drink then head home.

Now, my problem is, I’m an idiot. I was casually sipping my one drink and Pete signed me up for a round of Beer Pong. One game couldn’t hurt…

Seattle called me while I was waiting to play. I was super excited to hear from him. We chatted for a bit when Pete started flagging me over to play. We were up! I told Seattle that I really, really didn’t want to hang up so he better drunk dial me later or call me today. Off to pong…

I was on a team with Pete, and M. We were doing pretty poorly when all of a sudden we won the game! Which meant we were to compete against the next team. Oy, more drinking. The next team consisted of Pete’s two other roomies and their friend. We were in the middle of the game and Pete pulled me aside and said, “I just glanced around the room and do you realized that every guy in here has his eyes on you?” I just brushed the comment off and giggled saying it’s not true. But Pete kept just reinforcing that every guy was staring at me. Well, there were slim pickin’s there, what can I say?

Anywho, needless to say, I got drunk after my third game of pong and was planning on staying on the couch, when Pete offered me his bed. I’m stupid when I drink. So after our third and final round of pong Pete and I headed upstairs to bed. I laid down and “passed out” and he went to change into p.j’s in the bathroom. When he came back he woke me up and we started teasing and wrestling with one another and he kissed me. Ugh. So, we’ve been friends for over a year now and nothing has ever happened between us and I was quite happy with that fact. He’s my neutral guy friend!! But, his kisses were very nice and I let him and we started to fool around and he told me he really wanted to “fuck” me. Guys are awesome. I just kept saying, “I can’t. I can’t.” All I could think was, “I can’t do this to Seattle!”

I mean we’re not “dating”, we haven’t defined what we are to one another, which I think is making me confused and not sure how to act anymore. Am I single? Am I in a relationship? I still really like him and am so excited to be going to Washington in 13 days, but what if I get there and things aren’t as great as they are over the phone? That’s why I don’t want to commit to him now, before the trip. And I don’t mean I want to be with other people, I just don’t want to call him my boyfriend before I know if it’s a good idea or not.

Oy, so anyway, I spent the night with Pete. We didn’t have sex, which I’m sure he was very frustrated by. I told him there was someone else in my life and that I didn’t want things to change between him and me either. I like him as my friend! I’ve never really been physically attracted to him, but he can be quite funny and a lot of fun to hang out with and now I know he’s a really good kisser.

All I could think this morning when I woke up was how I wanted to roll over and kiss him more and how I totally shouldn’t. I didn’t.

Here’s my next dilemma: Do I tell Seattle? I’m all about honesty and if we are in fact going to be in eachothers lives I feel as if I need to tell him. But on the other hand, we’re not a couple…yet, so maybe telling him would just mess things up unneccessarily. I know I’m taking one large risk putting it out here in this blog as well, since he knows he has the power to read it. He recently stopped reading it because he was feeling guilty about it. I think I almost need him to say to me, “Don’t be with other people.” And I would gladly say, “Ok, that is fine by me.”

I feel like I always freak out when the potential for something great comes into my life. I’m great at sabotaging myself.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What do I do?

"You Make Me Feel Normal"

March 27, 2009

I hate when I miss a day and have to catch up. Last night was all Seattle’s fault. I got home and called to hear a story about his day and was too tired after chatting that I went to bed instead of writing my blog. I apologize.

Yesterday, woke up nice an early to make myself purty for an audition. Then had the rest of the day to workout and do laundry. I’m quite proud of myself actually for how much I managed to accomplish. Heard from my new roommate! I have mixed emotions because I need a roomie, but am dreading that I won’t be living alone anymore after tomorrow morning. He seems decent though and I think we’ll have a lot of fun.

Lee was teasing me last night saying, “You know, I hear stories of people moving in together and hitting it off and starting to date.” No, Lee, I think not. Not with this one.

(*side note: at the coffee shop right now and some guy just totally “eye fucked” me as he walked out the door, never really get that, but it wasn’t at all pleasant. About as pleasant as a one night stand, “ooh intriguing…um wait, what are you doing…no no that’s not good at all…ok just stop.”)

Lots on my mind today, not really sure where to begin. Let’s see, talked to Seattle yesterday right after my audition. I had sent him a heartfelt email the night before accidentally, instead of saving it as a draft, I pushed send and sent it incomplete. I was completely embarrassed and wrote a follow up saying I hadn’t meant to send it just yet and I apologized if anything I said was strange. I told him about my fears of him being so recently divorced. I didn’t want him to feel rushed into anything he wasn’t ready for. I myself am not sure what I really want from this situation, but I know that I really enjoy him.

He told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and the email was just fine. I had text him about my new roomie earlier that day and he sent me back, “…let me get back to you in a bit, I’ll have a story for you.”

So, I went for a walk with Lee last night, we ended up having a heart to heart. I told her how odd it is that I like Seattle this much, it’s very unusual for me. She commented on how different he is than the guys I usually go for, which is true. Also, she asked if his age was a problem. I had been wary about Ray due to the fact that he was 39…eek and also about Rick, who was 36, but 34 seems to be the perfect number. She stated, “Well, the others just didn’t fit, but this one does, so the age doesn’t matter.” Very wise, Lee, very wise…

When I got home I finally got to talk to Seattle about his story. He told me that the woman he had had a fling with not too long ago got upset when he mentioned me, they’re still friends and he thought it was ok to talk about me. He didn’t tell me many details about what was said, but apparently after school they went back to his place to discuss it. I found myself getting upset listening to the story. I kept thinking, “Why’d you have to discuss it further at your place? Did anything else happen?” But, I quickly calmed my thoughts, realizing I was being irrational. It’s hard, because I always try to be super sensitive when I’m interested in a guy and not worry about the relationships/friendships that came before me. It’s not my place to interfere with them since they were established way before “we” were. But, it takes a lot of strength, not gonna lie. The fact that he even told me about it proves he’s a very trustworthy guy. He didn’t have to say anything. I like that.

Oh yeah, one of the best things a guy has ever told me, “You make me feel normal.” That’s what Seattle told me on the phone last night. It made me smile. I like that too.

We chatted for a bit longer and I enjoyed listening to his stories about work, etc. I enjoy how smart he is. Every time we talk I just want to absorb everything I can.

Haven’t heard from him yet today, but I also haven’t text and he’s at work. I really need to plan a trip to Seattle. I realized yesterday, I need something to look forward to.

Randomly heard from Rick today. He called; I hesitated before picking up the phone. He’s back from tour and wants to grab a drink/food tonight. Our phone convo was a little awkward, but even when we were “dating” it was awkward. I’d like to see him, but not sure what we really have to talk about. We were never really friends, so I wonder if it’s possible for us to be friends now. I’m totally not interested in anything other than a friendship, and I hope he realizes that. He leaves again in a week or so for another tour…busy man. Makes me thankful I didn’t fall for him, he’d constantly be off experiencing amazing things in other countries and I’d be lonely, sad and jealous. Not a good relationship.

I have a need to be social tonight though, I feel a funk coming on…not sure what that’s about. Maybe it’s my period. Not to give TMI, but it’s been a whole year since I’ve had a visit from Aunt flo, so I’ve forgotten the weird emotional mood swings that come to town in her baggage. Humph. Gotta get out of that quick!