No longer single

April 22, 2009.

Went to ‘Porn Star’ karaoke last night. Received a text while there from Seattle: “Couldn’t help myself, I caught up on your blog; I was just missing you too much. I don’t really know why, but I am crying right now. I just wish I could be holding you in my arms.”

I called him as soon as I got the text and went outside to talk to him. He basically told me that he feels jealous and hates that because he’s not a jealous guy. He realized he wants to be my boyfriend, he just feels guilty asking that of me. I’m young and far away, it wouldn’t be fair. I told him there’s nothing I want more right now than to be his girlfriend. I told him I never want to do anything to make him jealous. All I want is him. So, “We’ll make it work.”

We were in the middle of both agreeing to be in a relationship when my phone battery died. Ugh. Apparently right after my phone died he text me: “Well that was bad timing on the part of your battery. I’m sure we can catch up tomorrow. Goodnight my amazing girlfriend.”

We stayed at karaoke until closing and all I wanted to do was get home, plug in my phone and call Seattle. So at 2:15am that’s what I did. I hesitated before I dialed because I knew he was most likely asleep, but then I thought, “I’m just gonna call damn it! I’m his girlfriend, I’m allowed to call any hour of the night!”

He answered and we finished off our conversation. I told him I just need him to always be honest about how he’s feeling. We’re gonna make this work, but we also have to be totally understanding of the fact that we are super far and the chance of meeting other people is very real. Not that it’s gonna happen, but if it does we just have to be understanding. He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with that I believe we’d still be ok if something did come up. By that, I mean, I think if I met someone else, he’d be totally sincerely ok with it. Sad, yes, but accepting. Makes me like him all the more.

So as of right now, I’m no longer a single girl. I’m in a relationship with a great guy. A long-distance, painful, longing filled, crazy, romantic, complicated, wonderfully exciting relationship. I really want to make it work.

It does feel a little different now. I’m not sure why, but “we” feel different now. Maybe because a little bit of the confusion has disappeared. Maybe because we’re a little less nervous about some issues, but more so about others? Who knows? I just know that I’m happy and I have to find a way to see this boy again before more than a month goes by. The wait might kill me…

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

April 5, 2009.

I need a dildo. Woke up this morning, crazy horny and decided that it’s something I need. I’ve never owned one, but I hear they’re a pretty common household product!

Had a four-hour conversation last night/into this morning with Seattle. We ended the conversation talking about how hard it is going to be for me to abstain from him when I go visit in two weeks. I told him I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Pro: I’m sure it would be phenomenal. Con: I’d have given up my commitment to abstinence after 3 ½ short months. Pro: It’s with someone I really care about. Con: It would make it even harder to leave and come back to a life far away.

He’s great. It’s totally unfair. I told him about Pete. I couldn’t help it. Honesty is way too important for me, so I’d want him to tell me, if the situation were reversed. Of course, I spared him the details, but at least he knows and the crazy thing is we’re so on the same page with things. He told me obviously he’s “hurt” because he wishes it was him, but we aren’t exclusive and it would be unfair if he asked me to be. His words. He’s giving me the freedom I always want from men, but with him I don’t need or want it. Does that make sense?

I still have two weeks, 12 days to be exact until I see him. I just hope I get crazy busy so that time flies by. I’m unbelievably anxious and I know he is too. I think we’re pretty antsy to find out how the weekend goes, because it will answer a lot of our questions. It’s sort of going to be a deciding factor on where we go from here. Do we take the huge step and commit to a serious long-distance relationship? Do we take the mature step and decide it’s just not really a good idea? Do we remain friends who really really like eachother and dread the day one of us finds someone else? Do we become exclusive and worry that the other person is not really happy because we can’t be with people in our vicinity? All of those situations suck.

I’ve done distance before and frankly it’s unbearable. Therefore…

I don’t even want to finish that. We were both getting a bit choked up on the phone last night even talking about it, because I think we both know that we are in fact prolonging the inevitable.

He said to me, “You deserve a great guy and a great relationship and I want to be that guy…”then he paused for a really long time and I didn’t respond because I was just waiting for him to add, “but…”.
Because the truth is I want him to be that great guy and that great relationship. There is no one else I want and not sure if there will be.

I still do believe everything happens for a reason and I know we meet people for a reason and not necessarily because we need them for the rest of our lives, but because for some reason we need them right then in our lives. So perhaps Seattle is creating a happy distraction that is putting me on a different path than I’d have taken without him. Perhaps in a month he’ll no longer be such a large part of my life, but I’ll have him to thank for where I end up. Perhaps…