Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

April 5, 2009.

I need a dildo. Woke up this morning, crazy horny and decided that it’s something I need. I’ve never owned one, but I hear they’re a pretty common household product!

Had a four-hour conversation last night/into this morning with Seattle. We ended the conversation talking about how hard it is going to be for me to abstain from him when I go visit in two weeks. I told him I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Pro: I’m sure it would be phenomenal. Con: I’d have given up my commitment to abstinence after 3 ½ short months. Pro: It’s with someone I really care about. Con: It would make it even harder to leave and come back to a life far away.

He’s great. It’s totally unfair. I told him about Pete. I couldn’t help it. Honesty is way too important for me, so I’d want him to tell me, if the situation were reversed. Of course, I spared him the details, but at least he knows and the crazy thing is we’re so on the same page with things. He told me obviously he’s “hurt” because he wishes it was him, but we aren’t exclusive and it would be unfair if he asked me to be. His words. He’s giving me the freedom I always want from men, but with him I don’t need or want it. Does that make sense?

I still have two weeks, 12 days to be exact until I see him. I just hope I get crazy busy so that time flies by. I’m unbelievably anxious and I know he is too. I think we’re pretty antsy to find out how the weekend goes, because it will answer a lot of our questions. It’s sort of going to be a deciding factor on where we go from here. Do we take the huge step and commit to a serious long-distance relationship? Do we take the mature step and decide it’s just not really a good idea? Do we remain friends who really really like eachother and dread the day one of us finds someone else? Do we become exclusive and worry that the other person is not really happy because we can’t be with people in our vicinity? All of those situations suck.

I’ve done distance before and frankly it’s unbearable. Therefore…

I don’t even want to finish that. We were both getting a bit choked up on the phone last night even talking about it, because I think we both know that we are in fact prolonging the inevitable.

He said to me, “You deserve a great guy and a great relationship and I want to be that guy…”then he paused for a really long time and I didn’t respond because I was just waiting for him to add, “but…”.
Because the truth is I want him to be that great guy and that great relationship. There is no one else I want and not sure if there will be.

I still do believe everything happens for a reason and I know we meet people for a reason and not necessarily because we need them for the rest of our lives, but because for some reason we need them right then in our lives. So perhaps Seattle is creating a happy distraction that is putting me on a different path than I’d have taken without him. Perhaps in a month he’ll no longer be such a large part of my life, but I’ll have him to thank for where I end up. Perhaps…