Clean Slate.

July 4, 2009.

Worst 4th of July ever.

I spent the entire day at home, sick, drugged up, and cleaned my room, did some laundry. So it wasn't totally a wasted day, but it was pretty horrible.

I worked last night and after work, I had decided to turn down Todd's offer to buy me a red-eye flight to Arizona because even though I knew my fourth was looking pretty pathetic, I just couldn't imagine myself flying while still sick and having any fun without my girls. Ugh. I think I genuinely pissed Todd off. Didn't hear from him until this morning. He said that I am “impossible.” Which I guess is entirely true.

I had called Seattle after work to let him know my plans. I told him that if I was feeling up to it, I would go surfing with him in the morning. He could tell I was still pretty sick and knew I wouldn't be up to it. But he told me he'd keep me posted and maybe we could meet up later in the day.

Then last night at about midnight, I was already passed out and Seattle text me: “Just read your blog. Want to know what I am thinking? This will sound weird, but a no sex sleepover.”

I didn't get the message until this morning. Oh well.

I was pretty miserable all day and I just kept holding myself back from calling Seattle and telling him that the only thing I wanted was to spend time with him. I hated knowing that he's here in town and not with me.

I text him around 3pm to let him know I couldn't handle being in the house by myself anymore and was wondering what him and his bro were doing for dinner. Maybe we could meet up. Didn't hear from him for awhile at which point he still didn't know their plans.

So, I waited till about 9pm to find out their plans. My girls had called to tell me they were headed to Santa Monica. I desperately wish I had gone with them, but I'm still sick and would probably feel even worse in the morning if I had gone. However, I was hoping Seattle would be willing to hang out, even though I was pretty miserable. I just wanted to rest my head on his lap and watch t.v. all night long.

He called me and we discussed this briefly, then he said he'd call me back with the plan. He called back and said point blank, he's not coming over.

That's it.

Now begins my clean slate. Nikki kept saying the other night that all we need is a “clean slate”. Leave all the Seattle, Todd and every other boy bullshit behind. Let's start with a clean slate. I think she's absolutely right. I just wish I could abide by that completely.

To be completely honest, I see no point in contacting Seattle again in the future. He knows this. I didn't have to say it, he could sense it.

He just kept trying to explain himself on the phone, “I just don't see a point in coming over there since it's not going to change anything and it's just going to be harder in the morning.” Fine. I get it. You are 100% correct. Then I don't see a point in staying in touch if it's not going to change anything. Done.

Clean Slate.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July.

No judgment please...

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.

Slumber Party #2

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

Slumber Party #1

June 20, 2009.

Alright. I got off work earlier than expected last night so I shot a text to Todd, “Take out and a movie in?” Then I headed home to change quickly, grab everything I needed for today (I knew I was gonna spend the night) and headed down to Santa Monica.

Todd greeted me outside with Pug. The three of us walked to a sushi place around the corner and got take out. Then we returned to his apartment and ate delicious food and watched “Don't Mess With the Zohan”. It was nice. Afterwards we were both exhausted so we went straight to bed.

Todd was a complete gentleman and didn't even attempt to fool around. But he cuddled me close.

I could not sleep. I don't know why, I was just sort of in this state of half awareness all night long. I had to get up early, perhaps my mind was nervous about that, but I was kind of miserable. I think it may be Todd's place. I just don't feel completely comfortable there...ever. He was cute and didn't want me to get up this morning, told me that “this is why [he] loves weekends...” and that he can't wait for a morning we can both sleep in and grab breakfast together the next day.

Which, that might be tomorrow morning. I think I'm spending the night with him again tonight, either my place or his and then tomorrow we have plans to go with a big group to Hermosa and attempt to surf and spend the whole day at the beach. I'm pretty stoked about it!

Last night right when we got into bed his phone started ringing. He got up to check it and didn't answer saying that he had a “stage 5 stalker.” And he said, “I bet you have a few of those yourself.” Nope. I just have guys that fuck me and never call again.

But the funny thing was, I guess I was a little shocked that a girl was calling him. I don't know what it is, but I just can never picture him hitting on girls, giving out his number or being with anyone else. I know it makes no sense at all...I mean he hit on me, gave me his number, etc. But, it just always surprises me when I realize there are other women in his life. Not that I think he's seeing anyone but me right now, because I do believe that he is so busy that his only free time is most often spent with me on the weekends...

She (or at least I believe it was her) called twice more that evening and proceeded to text at least three times. Here is my case in point: I will never be that girl. If he's not answering or returning your calls or texts then he's probably in bed with someone else. I don't chase.

Jet Lagged...

June 15th, 2009.


I feel like I took a trip to Spain and am now incredibly jetlagged...

Got home from class this afternoon at 2pm and crashed. Woke up at 5:30pm, so incredibly confused. Thought I had slept through the night. So I walked to Ralphs to get some dinner then to C's to visit Nikki and Lacey. I proceeded to get drunk at C's by drinking wine, have a convo with Seattle and text Todd.

The convo with Seattle was nice. He told me he's happy that things are working out with Todd. Obviously he hasn't read the past couple blogs about Madrid and ignored the fact that I told Todd I don't want to be his girlfriend or have sex for awhile...

Texting with Todd resulted in dinner plans tomorrow night in Santa Monica and next sunday, surfing in Hermosa beach with him and Nikki, Lacy and Aaron. Sweet. I'm excited!

Not much other boy news than that. I just got home from having a few too many glasses of wine with my ladies. I was kind of expecting to hear from Madrid. He works until 11pm, but it's now 11:41, so I figure if he was going to call it would've already happened.

Oh well. He admits, he “uses people” and I do believe he was only using me for a bed...good thing I didn't put all my hopes into that man.

The night we met, Jess said to me, “Watch out. He's foreign.”

Ha and I said, “Yeah, well, I'm not looking for marriage...”

The End.

What a weekend...

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.



Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

So Little Time...

May 30, 2009.

3:44am.

I'm writing at this ridiculously odd hour because 1)I just got home an hour ago and have just finished checking email/getting ready for bed and 2)I probably won't get a chance to write tomorrow. I'm a busy busy girl, remember?

So quick update. My improv show was last night and Todd showed up, like promised with three of his friends. They were fun to have in the audience, but I'm not gonna lie. I was so nervous about performing in front of them. Gave Todd a hug hello and a hug goodbye. I didn't hang out with him after the show because it was Brad's last show with us and he was having a little 'going away' party. Todd text me after he left and said that he really enjoyed the show and that I should text him when I'm on my way home so I can maybe come by.

Well, I didn't start heading home until 2:30am and I was way down in Arcadia and it would've been 3am before I even got to Todd's in Santa Monica. I am really anxious to hang out with him though. There's still so much we need to discuss! So we now have plans for tomorrow evening...dinner. I work, til about 8pm, I believe, unless we get crazy busy at the restaurant. Todd wants to go eat at the Greek restaurant across the street from where I live.

I'm secretly hoping it goes real well and we end up going to a movie or out for drinks and then somehow end up in a situation where we can cuddle. I'm dying to cuddle! Todd calls it “cuzzling”, which, to be honest, I really don't find cute. It's kind of like when the infamous ex used to say, “I have to take a poopaloops!” I always wanted to yell and say, “You're not five! Use real words!”

Hmm...probably a sign that Todd's not quite right for me, but for right now, I just really want to cuddle.

Nikki text me this morning asking if Todd ended up coming over and I told her no...of course not. She text me back: “He's not the right one for you. You are so fucking amazing, and my first (and only) impression of him is that he is mediocre. You deserve someone as amazing as you...that person will come along when its right. We have to keep the faith, and in the meantime, fuck guys! We have enough fun!”

She's absolutely right and I appreciate so much that she said that too me. I'm lucky to have girls in my life that remind me not to settle because of loneliness, but hold out for someone incredible.

I guess I just keep hoping that I've already met that someone incredible.

Been thinking about CRAgent lately. Haven't heard from him at all. Not surprised, but I was hoping a text or two. I keep wanting to text him, but I always feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing...I need to be chased. I know, that sounds so bad, but it's just how I feel. If a guy doesn't put out an effort, I'm not about to beg for his attention.

Alright, busy day ahead of me and I'll be running on about 5 hrs sleep...that is if I don't exercise. Oy, sleep or exercise...it's a tough decision!!